grits.

grits for dinner.

what a weekend.

i am completely, utterly, and entirely exhausted.

my throat is raw from cigarettes, and i only had maybe five or six today, which is half of what i've been having.

i believe, right now, that there is not enough beer and are not enough cigarettes in the world.

line them up in front of me. watch them disappear.

i am using a crutch. well, really, crutches.

i'm so tired. i'm so drained. i'm so stressed. i'm so angry.

the only thing that is making me feel better is working on getting drunk with friends.

i only got drunk on friday night. i knew i should have stopped at two with a nice buzz. but pushed the envelope.

i went out with kit. i'd had a long afternoon of talking with ever. i had been crying. i was so tired then, that i could have gone to bed at six that evening and not woken up until the next day.

i was backpedaling, to use alice's phrase. i felt myself doubting everything. every single decision i'm making. that i'm making a huge mistake. that i love him too much to leave him. that i cannot lose this house and my dog. that i cannot lose my husband.

and i knew that if i stayed, the backpedaling would increase. i was afraid to stay in the house.

it has been a crazy few days. too much has happened, really, to try to write out.

but friday, in front of his intern, he told me that he wasn't going to eat dinner with me (a friday tradition). that there was no point to date night now.

so i made plans with kit, because the thought of just staying home with a mopey ever made me want to vomit.

so we went to a pub, and had three beers over the course of a few hours. talking, talking, talking.

i'm so fucking sick and tired of TALKING. i hate hearing myself whine and complain, commiserate, talk about my problems.

but i keep doing it.

so at the pub, kit asks when i'm moving out.

and i tell her, honestly, that i don't know. sooner would be better, if money wasn't a factor.

but i was trying to give him a few days to see if he takes a step toward finding roommates.

so she told me that i have to set a timeline. give myself a deadline. or else there won't be any rush for me to find a place, or for him to find roommates.

and after six days of talking for hours, and crying for hours, i was pretty much ready to just stop going home, and start staying elsewhere.

so it was 1230, and kit and i headed back to our house. and she came in for a beer, we talked for an hour. she went home.

she'd wanted me to stay over that night. and perhaps i should have. but i didn't.

so it was 130. and i got into bed. and ever had been asleep, but i guess i woke him up when i came upstairs and got into bed.

so he comes in, and says, 'i need to talk to you. or are you too asleep now?'

and there was all this heat and hostility in his voice. and the asleep part was more an accusation that i was faking sleep to avoid talking to him.

i wasn't faking sleep. i could have fallen asleep inside ten minutes at that point.

but hearing the tone in his voice woke me up, and i was instantly sober. i pulled the pillow from off my head, and faced him in the dark.

he goes into this whole story about how he was trying to be proactive while i was out and that he got two roommates lined up. that they were moving in april first and that when i come back from my trip home to tell my parents, that i shouldn't come back. that i should be out before i leave.

THIS IS TWO WEEKS AWAY.

i'm thinking, panicking silently, how the fuck am i supposed to get all of my shit packed and out of here in two weeks? how am i supposed to find, and pay three months' rent in two weeks when i haven't even started looking yet. i was thinking that i was going to work on my novel the whole next day, at kit's, and started thinking about looking for apartments online instead.

i was just thinking.

and he was like, 'don't you have anything to say?'

and i told him that i was thinking, that if he really felt that way, that i would do it. that two weeks wasn't very much time, but that i realize that he needs me to leave, and that i respect that and would honor his wishes.

totally taking the high road.

and then i ask, 'so who's moving in?' in my mind, i'm scrolling through everyone we know, thinking about who would live here with him.

and he says that he can't tell me. that they don't want it to be awkward. i tell him that i'm going to figure it out the first time i come over, and keep pushing him to tell me.

he refuses.

he just keeps asking me what i want to say.

and i keep saying that i'm just trying to make a plan to make this happen in time. that i'll start packing the next day and looking for a place.

and i push again to know who is moving in, feeling like i'd be so much less happy if it was a girl, or two girls. partially because i don't want to subject them to his filth. but also because i think it's too soon to put another girl in the house.

and he says...

'there are no roommates. i was just saying that to see what you would say. i thought we were really getting somewhere when you were leaving to go with kit, and i thought you would say that you didn't want to leave. that you changed your mind.'

and i was so FUCKING PISSED OFF.

how could he do that to me? i was relieved, because i thought that he'd put on his big boy pants and decided to do something to help his situation, to make sure the mortgage and bills get paid. i mean, the stress of the time crunch for me was totally worth it.

and it was all a LIE. a trick. he was manipulating me.

and i told him that this is precisely why i'm leaving him. that he lies all the time to everyone around me. that i see him do it, without flinching. that he does it with such ease and without wavering.

and i've told him so many times in the past that it bothers me how easily he can lie to people.

and for him to do it to me and tell me? unbelievable!

i started not yelling, but kinda yelling, how could you? here i thought you were being responsible, and you're just tricking me to get some emotional response out of me?

i don't know. we talked for a few hours after that. i went to bed between 330 and 4 when i was so tired i could no longer sit in a chair and smoke cigarettes.

you know, i only cry when he's talking with me.

and i cried and cried, trying to explain myself to him. and it's easier to do when i'm angry, because i don't care how mean my words sound. i feel like i have to be super mean to him so that the shit sinks in.

anyways, i went to bed, in shock over that. woke up at 9 to some jackass using a fucking jackhammer outside my bedroom window. so so angry.

get up, have coffee, tell nina the whole thing.

and she reacted as violently as i did. that is so fucked up! how could he do that?

and i told her. this divorce, our dying marriage. it's like dying by papercuts.

so many marriages are like a slit throat. very concrete instance. someone cheats, constant fighting, etc. by mine is like a million tiny paper cuts. no one thing is any big deal. but when all of them have made their mark, you bleed to death from a million tiny cuts that are seemingly insignificant.

we talked online for an hour, and then he woke up, so i got offline, and started to clean our bedroom, separating dirty clothes from clean ones and hanging stuff.

and he asks me to come lay in bed and talk to him.

it had only been six or seven hours since we'd been talking, so i wasn't too happy about that. i had plans with kit at 1130, and it was already 1030.

whatever. so i lay down on my side of the bed to talk to him.

and he apologized for the night before, just saying that he is so desperate to keep me here that he'd do anything. that he'd get a job if i'd stay. that he'd put all of his business stuff in the basement if i'd stay.

and i told him that this is not the time to be making those drastic offers. that the time to do that was over the past six months when i was asking him to and telling him that i was really upset by both money issues and space issues, and not feeling like i have a place in the house.

and he just listened.

and i went into a few different analogies, to really try to drive it home. because i realized that i feel like i just need to go to rehab. not literally. the type of rehab where you remove yourself from your situation (being married, in a house) to remove your problems (husband). to really be alone and to really try to figure yourself out.

and just like an addict surrounded by drugs. you can never succeed at figuring out what's at the root of your addictions if you're living in a crack house.

you have to go somewhere (a tiny apartment) and be completely alone, or with a shrink, maybe, and work on yourself. your problems, your skewed way of thinking. and then fix yourself.

before you can even try to reintroduce yourself to the situation where all of your triggers are (home with husband). and reintroducing yourself is NEVER a good idea. but for some people, that is the choice that they make.

what else?

i don't know.

i went to kit's mostly sure i'd be staying there that night, but still didn't pack for it anyways. i just couldn't imagine not going home. it's like i'm living this single life now, already, without really being single. staying wherever, making my own choices.

and trying not to worry about their impact on him. but i do anyways. for some retarded reason.

so i stayed at her place. all day. all evening. we watch olympics, drink coffee, make food. i edited my novel and started making revisions. we looked at apartments together for a few minutes.

and then it was nine. and i really really didn't want to go home. and i really really wanted to have a slumber party instead.

it felt like being asked, 'would you rather eat some cake, or be eaten by an alligator?'

easy fucking choice.

so i text him and say that i want to stay, what is he doing? and he says, i think you should stay. get some rest. i need sleep, too.

which we both looked at each other and thought about who might be going over to stay with him, jokingly, but only really kindof.

like, that was TOO easy.

so that was that. cracked open three beers. stay up writing and talking and scrabbling until like 2 am? i don't know. i was so exhausted.

i just cannot say that enough. i'm so tired.

all the time.

so whatever. go to sleep.

and it was so peaceful. i didn't cry the whole time i was gone. i haven't cried in front of her about this yet, because i just get so angry telling the story that there's no room for sadness.

so i slept very well, woke up at 1030 and made coffee and worked on writing until i went home to get ready for my lunch date with alice.

to say that alice and i have been living parallel lives for the past few months would be the understatement of the year. she wasn't married, but was with her boyfriend for three and a half years. and just recently had been going through every single thing i've been going through with ever.

and i was shocked when she told me that they split up the first week of february.

so we hadn't seen each other, and she didn't know about ever and i. so we went for brunch and beers.

and it was awesome.

well, as awesome as it can be to see your friend as hurt and as angry as you are.

i hate when addages have merit. but 'misery loves company'.

we just kept grabbing each other and oh my god-ding each other. because everything was the same. same thoughts, same feelings, same EVERYTHING.

i love her. i knew that she was awesome when we cooked together over the summer, but we each ahd separate sets of friends, so i guess we just kept doing what we are doing. but i am so glad that we reconnected again now.

it was great. i just feel less insane knowing that someone i know and love feels the same way i have been feeling for the past few months. and i hope she came away from it feeling as much affirmation that i do about doing the right thing. doing the hard thing. but doing the right thing.

and everyone keeps telling me that i'm so brave. but really, it isn't bravity. is that even a word? autocorrect is telling me it's not.

but it's not that. it's just having faith that i will be happier on the other side of this fucking cesspool of shit.


so i decided after brunch, growing a pair of balls via beer and lunch with alice, to start packing today.

and i have maybe eight boxes so far. movies. summer/spring clothes. journals, photo albums, keepsakes and old letters. art supplies, canvases.

and it's not much. but i feel like i'm more than halfway.

i just have the kitchen and the clothes i wear now.

and that can happen the day before i leave.

i feel like i'm getting sick. which really really sucks. i know i've killed my immune system with all this stress and blowing my nose from crying is the worst thing to do during flu season. and smoking and drinking don't help, either. not sleeping...the list goes on.

i read somewhere that people in loving relationships get sick less often than people who are not.

and i think that i have crossed that line.

i feel better. he asked me to stop packing because he couldn't watch me do it. so i did.

then he went up to smoke and talk on the phone. he was telling someone, and i heard him say, for the millionth time that 'she just isn't in love with me anymore,'

which is the only reason he can state for why i am leaving.

and it's so ridiculous. because it is not a reason for me at all.

so i packed more, in an effort to not hear what else he had to say about it.

and now, sleep.

i hope i can. because i'm too tired not to.

vaka. feb 18th.

today when i came home from work, he asked me if i'd come to my senses yet.

and i didn't even answer.

our dog walked over to where i was sitting in a chair, across the room from him. she put her head on my knee, and just stared up at me with the saddest eyes for at least a full minute.

he said, 'did you tell her?' to her, referring to me.

and i just looked at her. it broke my heart, because she was telling me. i don't know what he's been telling her, but she was looking at me. and if dogs could cry, i bet she would have.

i said that he can't just guilt me into staying, and that if he doesn't have something helpful to say, not to say anything. because he asked me if i was in love with him again yet. i said that i would no longer be entertaining his questions unless they were valid and aimed at getting straight answers out of me.

there was no point to that question. he already knows the answer, and i feel like he's just making fun of my feelings by asking it.

i went downstairs after that, took care of some work, and hung around. he came in for dinner, and said that he wanted to talk.

he asked if i had anything to say, i said no.

i don't remember how it started, besides him saying that he was starting to get angry with me. and that he told two people today, and that two people is the threshold for what he can handle. that he can't hide his sadness and that he just finds it necessary to tell.

i started crying, telling him that i don't even want to see the people he has told again, because i'm afraid he's just telling them that i don't love him and that i'm leaving him.

that i'm afraid of what they all think of me, or will. and that i don't want to face them.

he said that he feels like i'm trying to make myself the victim now, and that it's making him angry.

i pointed out that by saying that he was the victim, it essentially means that he thinks that he did nothing wrong to end up here.

and he said that is how he feels.

i was PISSED. i laughed at first, but started to cry.

i was pretty much yelling at him, while thinking that this is exactly what i'm trying to avoid. because i felt myself saying hurtful things because i was so enraged that he feels he did nothing to deserve this.

so i launched into a fit about working so hard for so long, that i was starting to feel taken advantage of. that there was nothing in it for me anymore. wrung out, tapped out, exhausted.

he said something about not knowing how much money he's really making because he didn't know where the money went, just how much was coming in. and i asked where i write down the money that goes out. and he said in the check book. and he looked at it, laying on the desk.

these are exactly the things that make me insane. all of the 'you never told me' and 'how was i supposed to know that' sentences.

i said, you know how to read, and you know the answers to these questions. why should i have to take care of everything? i told him that he's going to start caring a hell of a lot more where his money goes when it's his money he's spending.

he is about to realize the difference that four degrees on the thermostat makes during winter. the difference that leaving the lights and radio on makes. the difference that it makes when he uses the atm that charges fees and that our bank charges us for. because it's going to start to add up to him. and because i'ts been my money for so long, he has no care about any of it. i warned him that he is about to start caring.

we talked for so long, thinking about writing it all out now makes me want to cry and go to sleep. only i can't sleep.

but i just told him that he can say that he did nothing wrong, but the truth is that he just did nothing. nothing to help us out financially, nothing to try to make me feel like his wife, like something more than his business partner.

it was awful. i was crying so hard i could barely talk. we went upstairs to smoke and talk. and it was a very hard four cigarette conversation. it made me feel awful, but in the end, it made me feel lighter. i'm smoking half a pack a day right now. it's horrible.

he said that he thinks, at least once a day, that when i come back from my trip home where i tell my parents, that i'm going to come back and say that i love him and that i made a huge mistake and that i'm not leaving.

and none of it makes any sense to me, because what he keeps saying is that nothing we talk about changes the fact that i'm not in love with him. and that i shouldn't be married to anyone i'm not in love with.

he told me that i was lying when we made our vows and that he wanted to dig them out today, just to show me what we promised each other. it was a dick move, but i'd been thinking about the vows we wrote for each other when i was at work today. listening to etta james just about killed me.

more than anything, we talked about money. and my feeling that the only way to get any stability is to leave him, to separate. i said that i don't say divorce because it's so harsh and final. and that i just say separating, because that is how i feel about it.

i said that i wish he wasn't telling the people he's choosing to tell that i'm leaving him because i'm not in love with him anymore.

because that places all of the blame entirely on me. and makes me feel like they're going to think i'm as selfish as i feel.

he asked what i wanted him to say. and i don't really know.

that i can't keep going on this way, and that i need to separate from him and his business. that he's not willing to change his ways to make our lives easier. because he loves to brag about doing things the hard way. and i just want things to be easier for a change.

i don't know. it's all irrelevant anyways. i was talking to my sister today, and she quoted my own words back to me.

she said, 'all that matters is that you are happy. it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. and mom and dad are going to be more supportive than you think they are. because all they want is for you to be happy.'

why is it always so much easier to tell people things like that than it is to hear them?

i love my sister to death.

and what is it in me that makes me believe that i can only truly be happy if i'm not with him? it is the being in love thing.

but that's really at the bottom of a huge pile of other things.

he's angry because he feels like we just had a really shitty year, and that we're starting to come out of it now. and that i'm bailing at the turning point. which is true, as far as his business. or it seems to be. this week. but what about next week? what about tomorrow?

i just cannot continue to live my life waiting for tomorrow. waiting for next year. waiting for five years from now.

whether it's having a kid or having my own shop, it's five years of hard work away. i figure (optimistically) that i can pay off the debt in one year, and save up enough money in the following four to have a years' salary in that time.

and choose whether i want a kid or a shop. because i cannot imagine being able to have both.

and the thing i keep telling myself is, i can have both. i can have it all. it just takes finding someone who wants me to have it so badly, that they are willing to help further my cause. not work against me.

i told him today that i'm not only no closer to being stable now than i was seven years ago, but that i'm further from it.

to be more than someone who works really hard, but doesn't get paid to do it. and who is too stubborn and proud to man up and do what it takes to make ends meet.

i hate that i'm at a loss for words when i am answering his questions, and responding to things he is talking about. and that i cry so much. because it makes me feel like i look weak. like i can be convinced otherwise. duped into the same shit i've been duped into doing for the last seven years.

because when i'm sitting across from him, i can't even look him in the eye. because i already feel so much pain that it just hurts. and seeing him just makes it worse.

i know that i will feel better soon.

because i do believe that i'm doing the best thing for me.

i just hope it is the right thing.

kit asked me last night what my worst case scenario is, when i leave and all is said and done. so that no matter how bad shit feels throughout this phase of my life, i can always say 'well, at least it's not that bad.'

and i didn't know. i couldn't say. i've been thinking about it for more than twenty four hours now.

i think there are a few things.

one is that i do this. i fucking leave. and in five years, i'm no closer than i am now. and then i realize that it's just me. and that it will always be me. that he was right. that it was my fault, not his.

or that i leave and am alone. and i realize that i made a huge irreparable mistake.

because i love my husband. for what little time i have left that i can even call him that.

it hurts me to hurt someone so deeply. i am the healer. i'm here because i wanted to help him.

but he should have thought about that when he was refusing to change.

and i should have thought about that before i married him.


that first day, monday, after we decided on valentine's sunday. i was so angry. i just wanted to tell EVERYONE. it's over it's over it's over.

and then the next day, or maybe even later that day, the emotion started to set in.

and now i don't want to tell anyone.

i'm embarrassed. i failed at something so simple. i failed at loving someone enough to put my selfish desires aside and to just be with him.

for better, for worse.

for richer, for poorer.

like we said, in front of exactly one hundred people, in the rain, seven years ago.

everything waxes and wanes. love, being in love, for me. but the worse and the poorer have just lasted too long to see the potential for the rise back up to better and richer.

he wants me to stay. to change my mind. he is fighting for me in the laziest way possible, with words. with guilt.

and i wish i could change my mind. undo it all. undo the feelings that made me decide this in the first place.

but the truth is, i'd just be right back here in one year, three years, five years.

because he will never change. and because he is too selfish to see how selfless i've been this entire time. and admit that as much as i want to leave, that he put me in the car and drove me here.

and why is it that i want to feel 'right'? like, i want him to say, 'you're right!' at every point.

is this just a plight to be right, in the long run?

i hope not.

i hope i'm not kidding myself. i hope that i can truly be happy. and that i'm not eliminating the only person who could ever love me this much from my life. getting divorced. throwing it all away.

he keeps saying he'd do anything for me. but that is so much easier said than done.

and if only i could keep believing him, that he really means it this time.

the thing that sticks out to me now is that it shouldn't take the word divorce to make him try harder..

and i am just done.

letter to and from a nina

"And I keep thinking of you and little snippets of what you wrote come
back to me. Even tho it happened on V day, *he* did it, not you, which
is good. And more and more and more thoughts, but now I work, and now
you're at work.

I love you tea. This is the right thing. I'm so proud of you, and
maybe it's the sleepy hitting my body, but I'm weepy for you. I'm so
excited to see the happy girl on the other side of this. And I'm going
to love spending time with the confused girl until she gets here.
You're the best."



this just totally is making me cry right now.

this is the nicest thing someone has said to me in a while.

i just got home from work, and there was more talking between us, here.

and it sucks.

because he's still trying to think of ways to fix it.

he knows. and he understands.

but he is stuck in this place. cpr on the dead body.

IT HURTS. IT SUCKS. it makes me feel like an asshole.

he asked me if there was somebody else.

obviously, there isn't (immediately/physically), but knowing that i'm not in
love with him is what makes it irreparable for him.

and everything other than that is what makes it irreparable for me.

fucking weird, huh?

my phone turned off after the text i sent you, so i don't know if i
missed anything else today.

but i'm so tired.

i've been weepy all day, too.

i feel so out of control. like watching a movie of my life or an
accident happen.

i am afraid i'm going to be making the same mistakes for the rest of
my life. because i have never been able to change.

and i'm glad i have a therapist to keep me on track, in case i try to do this to myself again, repeatedly.

i just have this thing: that i have to tell my parents in person.

and i'm in no rush.

but at the same time, it feels like i'm going to implode if i don't tell them soon. it doesn't feel fair to leave them in the dark.

i hope my sister doesn't spill. bc she pretty much knows.

i just get completely overwhelmed at the size of it. and in a way i
wish we hated each other the way b/m did in the end. bc it
made it so much easier for her. as hard as it was, it was a little bit
easier because she hated him so so much.

and this is just so muddled.

and confusing.

and i shut down when i get overwhelmed.

and i feel myself shutting down.

ugh.

i am going to need sleep tonite. but i'm afraid i'm not going to be able to.

i did buy shocktop on my way home from the office, so i have that.

but i have work early in the am also.


i hope you're able to buckle down and take care of your work.

one more day.

and for me, one day at a time.


thanks for saying the right thing. i think that is nearly an
impossible feat at a time like this.


i remember when we were dating, and you said something about it being
different when it's just the two of you. i think it was a ben folds
reference, but memory is failing me now.

it has always been that way.

and no one else can understand what i'm going through, i feel. because
no one else has ever been in my exact situation.


i just fell out of love, and that wasn't enough to push me out the
door. it just made me really sad. for a really long time.

and i just keep thinking: life is too short. we only get one life. and i
have to make the most out of it.


and i wish that it felt better to do what i have to do to to make that happen.


love,
me


yeah.

and the worst part of my day? ever telling me that he is afraid to lose another dad.

fucking RIP MY HEART OUT.

forever with ever is over

it was a strange day. i woke up stressed, went to work. had a little too much fun (manic), like i should have been in a worse mood the day after the valentine's day i spent discussing the dissolution of my marriage.

but it was a good day at work. kit came to get me at lunch, to listen to me talk about it for a long time.

it was strange to say it all out loud. after writing it, it was effectively out in the open. but saying things out loud was pretty surreal.

and i didn't cry. i didn't even want to cry.

but i was telling her about the conversation, and the way that he acted after. and i was confused by the confusion he was feeling i guess.

because we called it.

and then getting into bed and all of that. and then last night i made dinner and we watched the shows we always watch and slept in the same bed, like nothing had even happened. life as usual.

so today i was trying to figure out if i'd undone something i'd said, or if he'd misinterpreted something to be not so final.

and when i came home, people were over, so it was life as normal then, too.

and then they all left. and he went to get dinner.

i talked to my friend rob on the phone for about 40 minutes, because his life is worse than mine right now, and i know he doesn't have anyone to talk to. so i just listened. and that felt like the best thing i could do.

i'd actually gone to the business he owns to say hi, but he wasn't there. so i'd called him and left him a note there. he was asleep at home, and called me back when he woke up. hence the conversation.

anyways, ever came home with dinner and i ate while i talked to rob.

he got into bed. he knows rob, he knows he is my friend. it's irrelevant, but worth mentioning.

anyways, he asked how rob was doing, and i told him briefly about the things in his life. he was laying in bed in the dark.

he said that he thought we were going to eat together. his food wasn't in the office, where i ate, so i didn't think he got food for himself, and ate without him.

but he did have food, and got into bed to pout about it.

so he said, 'well, i guess you and rob can talk all about your spousal issues.'

little digs are what i have to look forward to as long as i'm in this house. and even for a long time after.

so i layed upside down in bed to talk to him.

he asked what i wanted to talk about, and i said that i didn't have anything to say, specifically.

and asked him what he'd like to talk about.

i don't remember how it started, but he just said that he's sad and confused. and that he doesn't know what to do now. is he supposed to sleep in the bed or on the couch? are we friends with benefits or not?

i know it sounds crazy, but i don't want to not sleep next to him.

i know it's going to be a cold cold bed for a long long time, and honestly, i'm going to miss having a warm body next to me. so i figure i should enjoy it while he lasts.

i told him that i know that he feels like he is losing everything, but that really, he's keeping everything except for me. the house, the dog, everything. and that i am losing everything.

and i told him that i'm afraid that our friends are going to hate me. which he tried to quell.

we continued the conversation upstairs, smoking cigarettes.

he just said that our friends are good people, and that they're going to understand. i told him that i'm afraid it will be like curb, when larry and cheryl split up, and their friends all had to pick sides.

and i just don't want that.

i said that if i thought that my leaving would dismantle his company, that i wouldn't go. and that if i thought that he wouldn't be okay, that i wouldn't go.

that i'm in no rush to leave, because there's a lot to set up before i can go.

and i said that i know it is going to be okay. i'm okay, he's okay.

and he said, it's never okay when a woman leaves her husband. but that he will be okay, in that he will survive.

but that he's sad and confused. that he has a lot of questions, and that he doesn't know what to do either.

that he feels rejected.

and i told him that i'm sorry for my responsibility in the way that he is feeling, but that if it had meant enough to him, he would have done more to try to save it.

i told him that i don't know anything about divorce, and that i've never seen anyone go through it.

kit offered to put me in touch with one of her lawyer friends for the divorce when we were talking today.

and i told her. it just doesn't sound like something i need. i don't need a lawyer.

but i know that i do. i just don't want to need one.

the house is really the only technicality. and getting money back from him, someday, if he's in the position to pay it back.

really, i'd like the money to pay my parents back all that they gave us.

they're going to be fucking PISSED at me. for ending my marriage, but for wasting their money and having no way to pay it back. they'd give more if i needed it. but to think that they gave us all this money for the house, and worked tirelessly on the house all this time? they will be devastated.

and i'd only ever get it back if he sold it when i'm gone.

other than that, i intend to pay down the debt that is in my name. it's going to be about ten grand when all is said and done.

and i'd like that back, too, someday.

but other than money and the house, i just feel like i don't need a lawyer. i mean, i know that we have to file legal documents. but a lawyer? ugh.

he asked me if i was leaving the city we live in. i told him that i can't really. that i'd never go home, unless it was to go back to school. but that the only way for me to work towards my dream was to keep working.

and another thing that i thought about today. it came up with kit and i hadn't thought too much about it.

i guess that when people get divorced, they drop their married last name.

but everyone i've known and met, in the last seven years i've lived in this new city, only know me by my married name.

and i'm afraid of losing my identity.

i know that sounds crazy.

because most people can't wait to erase the part of them that they regretted enough to divorce.

but me? i don't mind it. it's been my last name for so long now.

and i don't know that i want to revert to my maiden name.

and it struck me as so funny when kit said it, but she's right.

she said: 'don't you think he'd want it back?'

it makes me laugh now, too.

it sounds silly. but i don't know. i'm sure he'd want it back. but i'm not in a rush to give it back to him.

it's been a strange day.

to say the least.

and i do feel pretty alone.

but in a way, i know that i am supported. i'm dreading telling my parents, who already know, but don't know it from me, in so many words.

i asked kit at what point i take off my wedding band and engagement ring.

it's like, we've decided not to stay married. and i don't want either of them. it was his mother's diamond, given to her by his father. and he bought both bands.

but at what time do i ditch them?

i agreed when she said that it should be the last thing i do when i am finally leaving.

you know, he said something else.

he said that he is confused because he doesn't know if he should just embrace me and try to enjoy every last minute he has with me, or if he should just be completely apart from me.

and i get that.

he also said that he's mostly hurt now, but that he knows he's going to get angrier and that it will become increasingly harder as time goes on to look at me.

and that he doesn't even want to think about me 'being with' someone else.

i told him to shut up. because i don't want to think about that either.

it's funny. a while ago, i was lamenting to nina about my shitty sex life. i said 'i'm just not like that. i don't 'fuck'. and i don't even wanna think about the next guy i'm going to fuck, because i can't even imagine feeling that way.' and her response was, ' i LOVE the next guy you're gonna fuck.'

the point was, she just wants me to be happy and my needs well tended to. and maybe when i start over again, i will feel like fucking for the sake of fucking.

and even if i can't think about that yet, and even if i think i'm content to never have sex again, it's something to think about later on.

i just wonder who i will be. who i will become as a result of this.

will i be the same old person i've always been? making the same mistakes i've always made in my life? that i repeat and regret ad nauseum? or will i be the person i know that i should be, and that i would have chosen to be if i hadn't deluded myself. if i hadn't settled.

because sex has nothing to do with it. not for me.

and all i know is that i gave up on someone a long time ago. and i don't know if it was premature, or if it had to be that way. and i never even wanted to sleep with him. as much as i pine for him, it's always been about making out and a shared existence with him. just curling up to him. every single day.

but nothing more than that.

and another thing i know is that kit's boy gave up his ticket to the event so that i could go. on the off chance that coffee will be there. to see. and now i don't have to ask, because it's done and the ticket is paid for.

and all i want is one drink with him.

one drink after a day of several.

to say, 'you know what? when i saw you last, i was home getting my parent's blessing. for my divorce. and it was all because i settled. i settled because i couldn't find someone like you.'

and as per the usual, if that happened, i would have said too much.

but all i want is the chance to say too much.

or to chicken out and not say anything at all, because that is my m.o. that is what i always do.

i hate that he is so tangled up in my mind with my current situation.

he wouldn't have figured in to this extent if i hadn't gone home in december. if he hadn't shown up. and if he hadn't made me feel the way that i thought i couldn't feel for anyone ever again, anymore.

that feeling is the reason why i'm leaving. the ability to feel that for someone is what gives me hope for my future.

i did cry tonight. which is good. but, honestly, part of it was because i felt like i should be crying. part of it was real. but once i was crying, it wasn't hard to keep it going.

like, i wanted him to think that it hurts me as much as it hurts him.

but the truth is, it doesn't. and it won't.

it's going to suck. this is know. but it's not going to be as sad for me as it is for him.

i just hope i can forgive myself. and that, eventually, i can move past it.

and let myself be happy again.

to not define myself in terms of someone else.

to not be ever's wife.

to not be fill-in-the-blank's girlfriend.

to just be MYSELF. and to comfortable enough to let myself be.

and as tempted as i am to try to line up a roommate to live with, to offset the loneliness that is going to follow, i just want to be alone.

i just want to be ALONE.