i remember the day my brother died. i remember standing on the edge of the bathtub in the pennell’s house. i remember opening the window and hearing my mother cry out, ‘not my baby.’
i don’t remember hearing the sirens, i don’t remember what happened next.
i remember when i went into my parents dark bedroom and when they told me that my brother was gone. that he was not coming back. that he had died. i remember not understanding it, and not truly grasping the sadness.
in happy times. i remember the day that i got married. i remember that it rained the whole day. from 6 am until after midnight when it was no longer the day of the wedding.
i remember being starved sometime after midnight and going to steak n shake for a meal. i don’t remember what i got. but i remember the booth we sat in. i don’t remember what i was wearing, only that i’d changed out of my dress.
i remember the day we left home. i remember the day we rolled into town. i remember that it snowed on april 4th that year, and i remember being very afraid of what was in store for us and the little yellow car we drove in on.
i remember one of my first journals. it was a hard cover pink journal with a little brass lock. i remember i was in the third grade. i remember that the pages were split into at least thirds, and that little chunks of pages were either pink, yellow, or blue. i don’t remember if there were more colors.
i remember the book i started. at least one book. in the binder with the looseleaf, but i already wrote about that, so moving on...
i remember. i remember when i used to stay at brownie’s. making air popped popcorn with extra real butter and salt. i remember making hamburgers on her stove.
i remember days spent by her pool reading textbooks in college. i remember nights in her pool with boys of summer.
i remember that we are not friends, but i don’t remember why.
i remember the way i used to feel when i walked into a room. THAT room. the one with that one person. i feel it now when i read to remember. still in the pit of my guts. i don't even remember. i just refeel.
i remember the face.
i remember the smell. i remember some of the things we liked. i remember pancakes and rollerskates. i remember poster board wings. i remember being completely crazy.
i remember living out west. i remember having a horrible roommate who gave me more complexes than i already had. i remember not succeeding at giving her any back.
i remember the day i forgave her. and then i remember the day that i wished i hadn’t. then i remember the day i got my revenge when she posted that rediculous fucking picture of herself.
i remember that trip to the state capital. to visit nina with brownies. i remember the rugrats movie and the sub shop, but not how or why or what came next. i remember blinking during the beginning of billy madison and blinking again for the closing credits. none of what came between. i remember being somewhere very very far away for a while. i think i remember that it was also about my brother.
why my brother? why now? it’s not june. it’s not march.
i remember that his birthday was june 4 and that his death day was march 7th.
i remember that i have avoided dealing with it for as long as i have been alive.
i remember that my parents would go to his grave on christmas, easter, birthday, death day, other random days. and that i would never go. and if they made me go, i remember waiting in the car until they all came back with tears in their eyes.
i remember the day my dad cleaned the sliding glass door of his tiny handprints. and i remember him completely falling apart. i remember that i have never seen my dad like that before, and that i will probably never ever see him like that ever again.
i remember when mom called to tell me about aubree’s brain. i remember when i was in the hospital, the flat look on her face. her swollen disfigured face. i remember wanting my old sister back. the one with life in her eyes and smiles. the one making all the jokes. not the one who said '6' every time she was asked about her pain.
i remember the day i told the sun about that, as if it would help him in some way, or make him feel more normal. i remember that he never wrote me back.