fate or free will? honestly, it changes for me...some times i think we are predestined for greatness? maybe. i once called myself a 'fatalist'. it was fate that we met, that we went to a certain place on a certain night, and that everything unraveled the way that it did. for at least two years, i clung to that.
but maybe getting older has changed how i feel about that. because now, i feel like choices are presented. and that, be it as it may, we can change what previous decisions we've made.
i think that maybe i'm in the MIDDLE. i know, in the celestine way, that crossing paths and taking notice is beyond our control, really. and that luck or fate, some things just can't be explained.
but, also, current destinies can be changed. like, it was my destiny to be married and in this city. but i also know that if i hadn't gone to the interview with gina, or even if i hadn't picked up the city paper, or if she'd forgotten to place the ad, my life would be COMPLETELY different.
maybe feeling like i was fated to live this life is what stops me in my tracks, as far as change goes. maybe i believe that fate wasn't completely determined out, start to finish.
maybe it's more like a path. because i'm OBSESSED with that. like, all the points along the way in my journey where one decision changed my life. forEVER. and what if there was some sign i didn't see or take notice of? what if i was so blinded or dumb that i just missed my destiny altogether. is that possible, too?
because more often than not, i feel, REALLY BELIEVE, that my destiny was to be a writer. i can picture the house, on the land. the rooms in the house. tucked away. writing. it looks a little like pollack's house from the movie bearing his name.
and then, sometimes i see myself with a baby slung on my back, serving coffee in my victorian first floor coffee shop, where i live above. i see that very clearly, too. have for several years, maybe ten?
are these my dreams? my destinies? or is this what i get? working tirelessly. struggling to make ends meet. is it my future i'm glimpsing, because the writer in my mind is me, now-ish. even earlier versions of me. but the momma me isn't me now. maybe me in five years.
at what point do i trade in this life for the ones that 'feel' better in my mind? is it the path i'm on now that will take me there? or is it an abandonment of this life and path?
i feel like i was destined to marry a writer, someone more like me. someone who has so much more in common with me. is it a second life? is it the future of this one? will getting older change it?
was i supposed to be alone? i couldn't ever be alone before , how could that have been my future? it just feels like my life is a mistake sometimes. like, 'this CAN'T be it.' i don't understand it.