rtw 141. 11/7/10


my favorite season is fall.

it has been since i was very little. fall always meant halloween, and halloween always means thanksgiving and christmas were on their way.

but my most memorable fall was the one when i fell in love in the fall.

i thought i was in love before that. but nothing in my life has lasted as long as the fall that i was 19.

(it's funny, too that i just dreamt of christopher evan last night. very random. very strange.)

coming off the heels of the best summer of my life, which is saying a lot growing up in florida, fall happened to me.

the things that evoke those memories are many. and now i see them and feel them and smell them every year. it has never changed.

most of them involve the sky.

cloudy days that made me dig sweaters out of storage. that first crisp day. the way the air lost the smell of wet, cut grass, and didn't smell of anything in particular. the drop of humidity made me just feel the temperature, instead of being helped by the sense of smell.

things were so exciting then, and the smells i infused with those memories were the smell of coffee on my clothes from working my first coffee job with nina and brownies. which turned into the smell of pumpkin and nutmeg and cheesecake baking. the smell of cider in a crock pot in mom's kitchen. the smell of burning champa and sandalwood alternately.

it wasn't cold enough yet to smell fires burning in fireplaces.

it is when i became obsessed with the night sky, orion in particular. and meteor showers. and it shaped my life since, especially in this last year of my life. a thirst for knowledge then, which only scratched the surface of what i know and learn now.

it's the sounds of fall. the quiet in the neighborhood because the kids were called in early. replaced by a soundtrack that i will always cling to, and have been thinking of lately, but fighting off. 'august and everything after', 'dulcinea', 'fight for your mind'. which replaced the summer soundtrack of happy repetition: 'retreat from the sun', 'weezer', and 'return of the rentals'.

it was the first fall of coffee, followed by a few more, until they became my history, my past.

and there was a cold to be caught, when the weather changed in florida. not so much allergies, as being run down and susceptible to catching something that was going around. it has always been the season when i feel most energized and inspired, into my adult life. a general lack of sleep, in exchange for a catalog of written things, and drawn things.

it's a tired subject. i write about it too much to be happy about it. but at the same time, it is a source for me that i will always come back to. even when i fight it, it is in my subconscious, and always fights its way back out again.

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