rtw 137. 11/21/10


i don't think of myself as jealous, yet there are people i am jealous of, and i tend to feel territorial, so i guess that i am.

jealousy. lousy. it's right there in the word.

i think it's easy to see people in a very simplified way and be jealous of them. in a sea of people you might only really know enough about only one of them to not truly be jealous.

the people i'm jealous of tend to be people who look like they're in loving relationships. or who have enough money to live in a way that is enviable to me.

people with nice houses, for the last nine months.

and i wonder if it's really true that money doesn't mean happiness. i know the best times in my life have been times when i didn't have to worry about money. times where the bills were all paid ahead and i didn't have to limit myself to things i need instead of want.

living in an apartment again has made me feel almost sick with jealousy at times, being in a nice house that was what i envisioned my house to be before the reality of what i had set in.

once, it was a perfect apartment, with a great marriage (as seen superficially) and a beautiful baby.

and sometimes it's about age. someone being younger than me, accomplishing more than i have accomplished at my age, and having something to show for their efforts.

i know that i am young, all things considered. and that i have so much ahead of me to do still. but in a very simple way, it's mostly about people my age having things that i want.

it's about people being in a place in their lives that is more exciting than mine. free spirits who can afford to travel and see the world when i've really never left the country and seen what they get to see, on a somewhat regular basis.

last night, it was about people seeing ever in this light where they feel sorry for him or put blame on me for the life he is living now.

and how when all is said and done, all i can do is really leave them here, and go home with my tail tucked, because they will probably never understand what i had to go through being with him. subjecting me to his lifestyle and careless spending habits. irresponsibility.

because jealousy exists only from the outside the majority of the time. i'd be more jealous if i didn't realize how lucky i am most of the time to be alive and healthy and free in my own way.

i try to keep it in check. to realize that there is always a cost. there is always something that is given up to have something else. where there's a nice house, there might be more worry than i could ever experience about making ends meet. where there's a beautiful baby, there's a great sense of loss of freedom. or a faulty marriage. where someone traded a life not being with someone else to have a kid that they want right then. that there was a period of doing without to gain something i am envious of.

nothing is easy. i'll probably never know anyone who really has it made in every possible way.

all i can do is sit back and try to think about what was traded for things that i want.

i could still have that house, but it would have meant dealing with ever. i could have a traveling lifestyle, but it would mean that i didn't have my freedom in other ways. i could have that baby, but it would be a much more difficult road.

and most of the time i think that not having the house and the baby and the traveling is worth the simplicity and sense of self that comes with the life i am living.

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