rtw 21. 11/20/10

wishful thinking. again.

now, i don't know which wishes will be the same or different.

but here they are.

all my wishes are for boys. boys who end a drought. they always are.

i wish on falling stars, birthday candles.

i wish on 1111.

until now, most of my wishes involved a reconnection with coffee.

but now i think my wishes are growing up. there's a reason why i didn't wirte this last night. i didn't know that until right now.

i wish that ever would fucking GROW UP.

pay the mortgage. pay his bills. stop using the joint account i never closed.

i wish that the divorce was over.

i wish that it was february. not that i wish away december. but i think that being alone this winter might kill me.

i wish that i could just forget.

i wish right now that i'd never even met him.

and that wish sucks because then i'd never have ended up here. and i cannot imagine my life without kit in it.

but nights like tonight make me wish for undoing things.

which is a recurring theme.

i wish that the writer meant it when he said he'd take me to a carnival. i've been thinking of them this past week, brought on by a post from oscar.

i wish that i'd kissed coffee when i had the chance.

i wish that i'd given my number to tim.

i wish that boys didn't scare me.

i wish that chalk hadn't tried to stay. because i wish that i still wanted him around for a couple days at a time.

i wish that i hadn't started drinking, because now i can't imagine not drinking.

i wish that i could just spend my money on ME. i wish that i could be more selfish.

i wish that i worried less. that i wanted less.

i wish that i was happy.

i am happier, i know that.

if i was still with ever, i'd be wishing that i wasn't. because he'd be dragging me through this, only it would be affecting me in a different way.

i wish that i could eat what i wanted and never have to worry about it. i wish that i was permanently one size that never changed, no matter how much cake i eat.

i wish that i genuinely loved healthy food. i wish that i wasn't built to love sweets.

i wish that i had just stayed home.

i wish that intern wasn't so retarded. i wish even more than that, that he wasn't a moral human being.

or that he liked me enough to not give a shit.

i wish that i didn't care about one boy at a time. i wish that i didn't put so much stock in my happiness as it relates to other people.

yes, i'm happier alone, but i wish that i was truly happy being alone. that i didn't need anyone to pull me out of it, and that i didn't get so fucking excited about life when there's a boy to be excited about. or fixed on.

i wish that i could finish projects. that i could play music. that i was a better writer. that i could write outside my life.

i wish that i was a better artist, especially as it pertains to drawing people.

more than anything, i guess i wish that my life was at the next phase, the next level.

i wish that whatever i do, it was the right thing.

because i'm tired of wishing that i didn't make so many mistakes in my life.

and all of them revolve around boys.

it's hard for me to think outside of this, because when ever pulls one of his stunts, this is the effect it has on me.

i wish i could just not worry about things i can't control. and that i could control things so i had less to worry about.

i wish that i was loved. i wish that i was in love. i wish that i'd picked better. that i'd met 'the one'. that i had a different life now. that maybe it involved a kid.

now, i have to stop wishing. because wishing takes away the motivation i need to make things happen without wishing on anything at all.

i wish that i was sleepy at one am.

and i wish that, just once, a dream would come true.

one of the good ones. not one of the ones where i wake up crying.

stop wishing.

start doing.

just. stop. wishing.

they don't come true.

unless you make them.

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