i keep waiting. and waiting.
and i'm just not sad.
i'm happy. i am relieved.
and the weather broke. and it is impossible not to be in love with spring.
i feel in some ways like i have nothing to do. and yet i've been too busy to write.
scratch that. rewind. i've been too busy to write this.
i've been incredibly focused on the novel. it's so nearly complete, it's kinda bothering me to write this instead of finishing it.
i did the final edit, start to finish. and now all that are left are the entries for each of the characters' dreams. they're all really short, and i have more than half of them written. i just have to type them in and edit before i send 1st drafts out to my closest friends for input/edits.
it's so exciting. i just want to finish, because there are so many things in this life that i start and do not finish. and this is not going to be one of them. i've been saying for a month that it is almost done, almost done. and it's true, but i just couldn't spend the time on it. until this past weekend. when i really did nearly finish the thing.
the story is done. just these stupid journal entries... in any case. it is my plan to send it out THIS VERY EVENING!! nate is demanding to be the first, since he inspired me initially, and he lets me edit his novels.
and then the rest will follow.
thanks in advance. (i think all of my editors are the only people who read this blog.) and... heads up!
yesterday was a crazy day for me. totally emotionally draining. i vented to poor kit, who joined in the fury and the bitchfest i'd started all on my own.
of course, it was because i had to go to the house and deal with ever. and there were shenanigans. fucker.
first, i must back up to get into it. you know, set the stage.
from the outset of our splitting, i had agreed to help him one day a week with the business. mondays.
he pissed me off initially because he called this weekend. he wanted to talk about some things, after flaking on plans to spend a bit of time at the house with him.
which, whatever. i had fun with alice and was better off not going to that dirty, sad house. he was switching his anti-anxiety meds and had asked that i come over, because he was worried about how he was going to do with the switch.
i felt bad for him, and worried for him, so i agreed to. then he canceled on me. and wanted to talk to me that day on the phone instead.
i went by to pick up some cash he 'owed' me, and a computer cable.
he wanted to make sure that we could talk later. (maybe three times he asked me?)
yes. yes. yes. i'll call you later.
so i hung with alice during the afternoon/early evening. and then was doing stuff online. and i got hungry. so i made a pizza and decided to call him then. it was 1030.
and one of the first things he says is 'are you eating?? i'll just talk to you later.'
i asked, 'is it BOTHERING you? i can stop. if you want to talk, let's just talk.'
i don't know. he wanted to get off on the right foot, i suppose. by being a douche from the start.
so i'm sitting on the phone, eating as quietly as i can. and i ask him what he wanted to talk about.
and he didn't say anything.
so i'm eating more.
nothing.
i finally said, 'you wanted to talk. what do you want to talk about?'
is he just trying to tie up my time? it wasn't making any sense.
so he wanted to talk about the house. fine. whatever. he wants me to explain how he can buy me out. or what other options might be. so i did. and he came to the same conclusion i did. none of those options work.
he had already told me by this conversation that he had roommates lined up. twice on thursday and again in that conversation.
so i was pretty confused about why he posted something about needing roommates online. because if he had roommates who were ready to pay first and last rent, why the hell would he need to publicize it? i asked him. he said there were two reasons. one was, a backup plan. two was, to see if he could get more money from someone else than the people who are moving in.
i don't know. it was after a long day of cleaning up after him, as far as bills are related. i split our cell phone family plan, starting taking him off of my accounts, and putting things in his name. i told him to handle his half. when i called the next day to check on mine, he still hadn't handled his.
so i did it for him.
i know i shouldn't have. but whatever.
he was stoned, as per the usual. and he just kept sitting on the phone not saying anything, asking me if i had anything to say. finally i told him that i was going to go, because i don't have anything to say to him.
so i did.
i started edward scissorhands, and worked on the novel.
and the next day, cried my eyes out to the second half of the movie (winona says 'hold me' and johnny says 'i can't' - fucking LOST it... and winona says 'i love you' and johnny's face lights up... gawd).
and worked on the novel.
made so much progress. it was great.
ok. so. back to yesterday.
so i go to the house straight from work, because that was the plan. and he and the intern weren't there. so i text him and say that i'm there and that i don't have a lot of time, because i had so much of my coffee work to do.
and he says, just leave then.
fucking BABY.
so i say, no. that wasn't the plan. how long until you are back?
so he says 30 minutes. so i wait.
and he walks in 30 minutes later.
and i don't remember how. but he starts talking shit.
in front of the intern. saying how i'm getting shitfaced all the time, and posting pictures of it on facebook.
just completely berating me in front of the intern. embarrassing.
and i stopped him.
i said that i've only been shitfaced once since i was 21. and that there weren't pics of it (not ENTIRELY true. december, anyone? most of those pics didn't get posted though)
he kept going on and on about who i am now, and that all i do is get shitfaced.
it was really unfair. and as soon as the intern left the room, i laid him out.
'i am NOT here for you to belittle in front of her. i am here to help you. and if you can't stop being a DICKHEAD, then i'm going to leave. and i'm not going to help you. the new and improved you sucks. and i don't have to sit here and take this. pull yourself together and treat me with respect.'
and he made a bunch of faces and whatever.
'and you are putting the intern in an awkward position by doing this in front of her. she probably wouldn't tell you. but this is between you and me. and not anyone else. so quit.'
and blank stares.
i just kept sorting through tax stuff and helping the intern with her work, which is what i was there to do.
so she finished her work, and i looked it over. and grabbed my bag to leave. by that point, i was really highly pissed. and i just wanted to leave.
and he asked if i'd come up for a cigarette before i left. i just looked at him like 'you can't be serious'.
but this is how he makes amends.
i don't know. he had this story about people sending him pictures of me drinking. or being what he called shitfaced.
and the one day in particular was this beer sampling day at a bar here. and i did get tipsy. it was the first time i remember drinking that early in the day (maybe 1 or 2 pm?). but i went home to hang with him after that. and obviously he didn't think i was shitfaced then, because he would've said something.
so that didn't make any sense. not to mention that he was saying 'they' sent him pictures and said 'look what she has become. you're better off.' or 'this is who she really is. you're not missing out.' something like that.
i don't know. i was getting so angry, because he wouldn't tell me who did it.
and i just kept telling him, 'if someone you thought was your friend was being a tool and talking shit about you behind your back, i'd tell you. at least, if nothing else, so you would know to watch what you say to that person. and i don't understand why you won't tell me.'
and all he could say was that he didn't need to say because it wouldn't happen again. he put an end to it, and told 'them' that 'they' shouldn't send him things like that anymore. because we're trying to work things out and it isn't helpful.
i'm just like, 'who is it? i want to not be their friend on fb anymore. i don't want them to have access. i don't need that drama in my life. i don't want to think that someone respects me who doesn't. i won't say anything.'
he kept telling me to stop yelling at him. my voice was raised, because i was fuming. but i wasn't yelling at him.
anyways, long story short. i left after a smoke without saying goodbye. and then the texting started. he was telling me that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.
and i'm with kit. and it's not making sense. in explaining to her the earlier conversation, and then his texts, it just didn't gel.
and as i wrote him back a line, it fucking hit me.
over the head. like an iron skillet.
he was saying that two people that i love dearly, who i most worried about losing over this, were fine. and i said everyone else can fuck off if they're going to be so high school. drama and all. and that i was blocking all of them. and that i don't have the time or energy for any of the bullshit. and that i don't understand why he won't tell me who it is.
and he said that i'm being hypersensitive and that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.
which wasn't making sense, because he'd already given me three examples of 'people' talking about me to him.
and as i was typing back, FRYING PAN OVER THE HEAD.
i was saying that i just couldn't figure out who would do that, and that i outgrew gossip in college. and that he cares more about not telling me who it is, that about its effect on me.
oh. my. god.
this is the exact same thing as the night of the 'i have to talk to you' conversation about having roommates that he can't tell me who they are, but that i have to be out of the house in two weeks.
same fucking thing. top to bottom.
he just went fishing and spying.
and he just flipped out.
and he just wanted me to think it was about other people. but it isn't. it's just him.
and that's why it's 'all in my head'. because he fucking put it there. and none of those people are doing anything to me.
'they' and 'them' is really he and him.
and i called him on it, and turned off my phone.
FUCK HIM. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him.
i said, 'wow. this is an awful lot like those imaginary roommates you had, that you couldn't tell me who they were. pretty fucking familiar.'
and what did he do?
changed the subject.
wanted to know if i had a prescription to pick up at rite aid.
FUCKING TWO YEAR OLD.
kid with his hand in the cookie jar. 'mommy, LOOK!'
she might look the first time. but she caught you anyways.
and she won't fall for it again.
and that is me.
and i'm STILL angry about it.
it took me five hours to figure it out.
not bad, for a learning curve.
thing is, i can't help but to feel completely unsettled. because if he is doing this so much right now, and i'm just now catching him in lies and calling him on it, how long has he been playing me this way?
ugh.
i do NOT want to know.
the high dive.
and then there's the drop, as you're jumping off the high dive.
the swan dive looks pretty sweet, right before you forget to clasp your hands in front of your forehead, smacking the surface of the water. and the pounding headache follows.
or something like that.
that was my day.
diving in, full force. work first, then personal life, then more work, then more personal life.
work didn't wait while i was gone. i have another full day tomorrow of working on getting caught up.
i'm feeling super productive right now. which is a good feeling.
i'm taking care of things that are holding me back, from moving on with my life. and i was so overwhelmed before i went home that i couldn't even start to do them.
but now it's all different.
i'm trying to move along even when i don't feel like it. and the mini bursts are keeping me going. feeling better for a bit gets me to the next obstacle.
i guess a place to start was my morning. i now have internet thanks to kit. it was awful to be so disconnected from my support system, and she resolved that with one phone call and a morning off from work to wait for the dude to show up.
she took me to get my car from the house. i'd left it so ever could use it while i was away.
he was on the stoop when we pulled up, so i talked to him for a minute.
and he pulled a classic ever divorce move, asking me why i wasn't smiling when i was doing what i said would make me happy.
i didn't have the heart to tell him that before i showed up and as soon as i left, i'd go back to being happy.
i just told him that i dread coming over and talking to him, so that's why i looked that way. told him that my family went as well as it could, and he welcomed me back.
and then he asked if i got the divorce when i was home. i looked at him with a wrinkled brow. he told me that it would be two to six months, depending. so he already knew that this was a ridiculous question.
so i asked why. aka, taking the bait.
and he said, 'oh, because someone said that you took married off of your facebook page.'
really? are we back in high school? who DOES that? i hid it as soon as i did it. but i just felt the same way about that as i felt about wearing the rings when we had already decided. it felt like a lie. plus, i don't want to have to get into it if someone starts talking to me now. people who know i'm married can ask why it changed if they want. and people who don't know that i was married don't have to know now.
anyways, it was a dick move. and i guess it made him feel better somehow? whatever. later that night when we talked again, he asked me to be discreet. of course. who does he think i am? most of the people i know don't know yet. i'm not going to become 'single' or something retarded like that. not until august 14th. which is the six month mark. like how i made it less time than my original september 6th deadline? august is from when we called it quits. september is from when i moved out.
we can wait and see. someone will hold me to one of these.
and then, more classic ever, i asked if he was having people over today, since it's traditionally a day that he does. and he said no. and then someone walked up behind me.
why he thought it would be smart to lie to me when he was expecting someone, i'll never know. i don't even think he meant to lie. maybe he thought i meant later in the day, because i was talking about coming back in the afternoon to chat.
i really hadn't anticipated seeing him that early in the day.
but so it was. and it was just another brick in the pile for me. a brick that reads, 'this is why we couldn't communicate effectively.'
and then i called the credit card company and took him off of my account.
which was the first step in detangling finances. it was smart.
kit waited on the cable guy, and i left and went to work. carting money all over creation. more deposits than i've had to make in a long long time.
but i got it all done, and went to see my shrink.
i kept pausing, hoping she'd ask me questions to pick me apart.
i told her about home. about my grandparents and my parents. about moving out. about the decisions i'd made regarding the house.
and about how i was feeling.
and then i dove in. for the second time today. and started to talk about coffee.
without naming him, i told her that there was this boy from a time when i was nineteen. that we were ever only friends, but that i was completely in love with him then, and how he made me feel when he came to our party in december.
how i felt like it was unhealthy/unnatural to start to think of him so soon after leaving. but that honestly, really, he's been there all along. and that every time i felt bad in my marriage, i'd think of him.
and i told her that i don't like that i do it, but that i can't help it.
i asked her if that was normal or if it made sense.
she said that when you go through something painful, and when you live without feeling that way in your marriage, it's totally normal to want to do things that make you feel that good again.
i told her that i had hoped in december that after eight or so years, i hoped it would be over, and that i was surprised that it wasn't and that i had waited on the divorce because i didn't want that run-in to cloud my judgment.
i told her that i feel like i should be sad. and she said to take what other people say from experience as information, but to beware of things regarding how i feel. because only i know how i will feel. and only i will feel the feelings. i told her no one is really telling me how i should feel. only me. kit pointed it out to me. that i was saying how i should feel. and i think it's interesting that my shrink said to beware of it.
anyways, it was a good day with her. and she didn't break my head open and didn't give me too much to think about. didn't make me feel like i had reason to panic. and didn't ask any hard questions.
so i left from there, went to the shop that is in the same hospital. and then went back to the university stores.
and did more work. kenna called. got kenna up to speed. she told me to enjoy my solitude. and to tell her if i need anything.
and then i went to the bank with even more deposits for work, and while i was there, i got my new checking account. the one i will set up for direct deposit tomorrow. it was great! it made me feel so much better, and only took like ten minutes, so it was a quick fix to something that i'd been too frozen up to do before.
i was proud of myself. even used the word divorce when i set it up. even prouder.
and then i went to pick up business cards for work. and went to the gym, only to tan. it was GREAT. i mean, i'm burned, but wanted to come back from vacation with some sun, and didn't. so i made up for it after a rough, crazy busy day with ten full minutes in the booth.
and it was divine. forced me to be completely still for ten full minutes. in silence. it was nice.
and spent more money on more things i needed. i got a back up hard drive and pulled all my files off of the computer at the house, and a router to have internet, which i'd need at the new place anyways.
and then i came to the apartment with the old old computer - 1997 anyone? but it works regardless, and it was all i needed. brought it in via two trips. even parked on my new block. which is pretty impressive.
and i came inside and set it all up on my own. and i was proud of myself.
and i feel excited, and free, and happy. and i feel like i should be more sad, and mopey, and lonely. but i'm not yet.
and i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. because i know that it will.
and every day, i am grateful that it doesn't.
nina said i chewed through my leg shackles, and somehow escaped with my leg intact. so no wonder i am happy and enjoying this. and that six days before my six months are up, maybe then i'll feel sad and lonely just before i cross the finish line. i LOVE that.
i told her that if i make it five months and twenty four days without an incident, i'm totally good with that.
my mom called. i talked to her for a while. then my sister right after. talked to her for a while. chatted with nina for a long time.
it is nice how there's all this maintenance after a trip home. like we were all just talking for the last three days. so why wouldn't i be talking to them all today?
it's great.
i'm excited for this summer. so excited i can hardly wait! i know that it will fly by. i have a lot of big things to tackle in the meantime. so i'll be plenty busy. to have some extra time to spend there.
and my mind wanders back to coffee with this fleeting little thought.
i think i know what i liked so much about things the first time around.
because i'm the type of person who used to be non-stop attached at the hip. i tend to be that way now. and it is something i'm going to work on, what with the whole vow to be 'alone'. but when i liked someone, i wanted to see them and be with them every day.
and coffee was like that with me.
every day. for like a month. that original first go round.
and it seems like if something ever were to happen now, that it would be that way again.
there was this thirst (on my end, i thought on his also) that made us talk for hours on end, for days on end. night after night after night.
it was just this feeling of being completely immersed in someone's life for a little while. and i couldn't get enough. and i think he knew that, and it felt like he was slowly starting to drain the pool. and i just kept trying to swim. until so much water was gone that i was stuck in the deep end, unable to climb out. and that is where i've been flailing for the last twelve years of my life, off and on, with so many distractions, ever since. and he HAUNTS me. i told the shrink that.
but now i have a chance to start again. and my shrink also said that if talking to him is something i still want to do, and never did out of respect for my marriage, that it is okay to do that now. in fact, she actually recommended it.
not in a relationship-romantic kind of a way. but if it was just like a checking in to see what he's up to and to tell him what i'm up to kindof a way.
that it would be healthy. and that it would be a good thing.
how about that? i thought she'd tell me all the ways that fixating on him was completely insane and how i need to completely avoid him altogether.
and she encouraged me to try to initiate a reconnection instead.
who would've thought? i can have what i want. no more deprivation.
i can do as i please. and no one is going to stand in my way.
when i was home, nina said that she talked to kit about him.
that kit was nervous (which she's told me as well), and that she worried about me wanting to chase him again (paraphrasing here...).
and that nina told her that we were a good match, that we were both just too chickenshit to ever do anything about it.
and, as per the usual, this has settled into my head. because she is entirely correct.
i was too scared. and i don't know what his reasons were, but i think it had something to do with a girl in his home town breaking his heart years and years before. protection from a vulnerability that kept me outside. in his comfort zone.
and fuck him. we were a PERFECT MATCH. in my humble opinion.
i've met a lot of people in my thirty two years on this planet. a lot of different types of boys. who all look different. and i have never met anyone who came anywhere near the greatness of that boy.
never.
three states. one south, one west, one northeast. never have i ever. broke the mold when they made him.
there's this death cab song i heard years ago, which was also years after coffee time.
and it's about matching freckles.
and we had matching freckles. i always thought that was some cute little soul mate thing. back when i believed in soul mates. maybe we even had two sets. i want to say one on our hands and one on our feet. i don't know how we would've figured that out exactly, but i have a hazy recollection.
and back to the situation at hand...
i want to get the paperwork going.
i want to be done with it by the time i go home. so i can just swim and enjoy the sun. and have it all behind me. and the pool i'm in, that won't matter. because i've been in a different pool where the water was cold.
and i know that, no matter what, i can appreciate this new pool just for being better. even if it's just filled with clean water, not coffee.
and if three months is the length of time it will take to work on my memoir, then i'd be pretty excited about that. because i want to stop living in the past, in my head. and sometimes i am so overcome with the desire to go back in time, to different times.
i hate it, honestly. just like the way i used to wish i could be hypnotized to be in love with my husband, i'd love to forget everything. so i could live only in the moment.
and i just hope that when i indulge and then finish the book, that i'll be better for it. and that i'll get over it and get on with it.
and one last thing i realized today.
i stopped writing during rough patches. which i already knew.
but i think that it coincided with times when i wasn't being true to myself.
when i was telling myself that i was happy, but deep down, knew that i wasn't. or even on the surface i knew that i wasn't.
and it's pretty fucking ironic that i will have this big thick book, chronicling the funnier and sadder moments of my life for the last thirteen years. and that ever will be a blip on the screen somewhere towards the end.
because i stopped writing when i got engaged to him. until i met the doctor who i crushed on. and then stopped when that ended (when i found out, as per the usual, that he was gay). and then only started back up when i realized that i wanted out of my marriage. and when i didn't care anymore if he read what i wrote about him. because it might only have sped up the process.
and on that note, i will turn in for the evening. try to get some much needed rest.
this is harriet the spy, signing off...
the swan dive looks pretty sweet, right before you forget to clasp your hands in front of your forehead, smacking the surface of the water. and the pounding headache follows.
or something like that.
that was my day.
diving in, full force. work first, then personal life, then more work, then more personal life.
work didn't wait while i was gone. i have another full day tomorrow of working on getting caught up.
i'm feeling super productive right now. which is a good feeling.
i'm taking care of things that are holding me back, from moving on with my life. and i was so overwhelmed before i went home that i couldn't even start to do them.
but now it's all different.
i'm trying to move along even when i don't feel like it. and the mini bursts are keeping me going. feeling better for a bit gets me to the next obstacle.
i guess a place to start was my morning. i now have internet thanks to kit. it was awful to be so disconnected from my support system, and she resolved that with one phone call and a morning off from work to wait for the dude to show up.
she took me to get my car from the house. i'd left it so ever could use it while i was away.
he was on the stoop when we pulled up, so i talked to him for a minute.
and he pulled a classic ever divorce move, asking me why i wasn't smiling when i was doing what i said would make me happy.
i didn't have the heart to tell him that before i showed up and as soon as i left, i'd go back to being happy.
i just told him that i dread coming over and talking to him, so that's why i looked that way. told him that my family went as well as it could, and he welcomed me back.
and then he asked if i got the divorce when i was home. i looked at him with a wrinkled brow. he told me that it would be two to six months, depending. so he already knew that this was a ridiculous question.
so i asked why. aka, taking the bait.
and he said, 'oh, because someone said that you took married off of your facebook page.'
really? are we back in high school? who DOES that? i hid it as soon as i did it. but i just felt the same way about that as i felt about wearing the rings when we had already decided. it felt like a lie. plus, i don't want to have to get into it if someone starts talking to me now. people who know i'm married can ask why it changed if they want. and people who don't know that i was married don't have to know now.
anyways, it was a dick move. and i guess it made him feel better somehow? whatever. later that night when we talked again, he asked me to be discreet. of course. who does he think i am? most of the people i know don't know yet. i'm not going to become 'single' or something retarded like that. not until august 14th. which is the six month mark. like how i made it less time than my original september 6th deadline? august is from when we called it quits. september is from when i moved out.
we can wait and see. someone will hold me to one of these.
and then, more classic ever, i asked if he was having people over today, since it's traditionally a day that he does. and he said no. and then someone walked up behind me.
why he thought it would be smart to lie to me when he was expecting someone, i'll never know. i don't even think he meant to lie. maybe he thought i meant later in the day, because i was talking about coming back in the afternoon to chat.
i really hadn't anticipated seeing him that early in the day.
but so it was. and it was just another brick in the pile for me. a brick that reads, 'this is why we couldn't communicate effectively.'
and then i called the credit card company and took him off of my account.
which was the first step in detangling finances. it was smart.
kit waited on the cable guy, and i left and went to work. carting money all over creation. more deposits than i've had to make in a long long time.
but i got it all done, and went to see my shrink.
i kept pausing, hoping she'd ask me questions to pick me apart.
i told her about home. about my grandparents and my parents. about moving out. about the decisions i'd made regarding the house.
and about how i was feeling.
and then i dove in. for the second time today. and started to talk about coffee.
without naming him, i told her that there was this boy from a time when i was nineteen. that we were ever only friends, but that i was completely in love with him then, and how he made me feel when he came to our party in december.
how i felt like it was unhealthy/unnatural to start to think of him so soon after leaving. but that honestly, really, he's been there all along. and that every time i felt bad in my marriage, i'd think of him.
and i told her that i don't like that i do it, but that i can't help it.
i asked her if that was normal or if it made sense.
she said that when you go through something painful, and when you live without feeling that way in your marriage, it's totally normal to want to do things that make you feel that good again.
i told her that i had hoped in december that after eight or so years, i hoped it would be over, and that i was surprised that it wasn't and that i had waited on the divorce because i didn't want that run-in to cloud my judgment.
i told her that i feel like i should be sad. and she said to take what other people say from experience as information, but to beware of things regarding how i feel. because only i know how i will feel. and only i will feel the feelings. i told her no one is really telling me how i should feel. only me. kit pointed it out to me. that i was saying how i should feel. and i think it's interesting that my shrink said to beware of it.
anyways, it was a good day with her. and she didn't break my head open and didn't give me too much to think about. didn't make me feel like i had reason to panic. and didn't ask any hard questions.
so i left from there, went to the shop that is in the same hospital. and then went back to the university stores.
and did more work. kenna called. got kenna up to speed. she told me to enjoy my solitude. and to tell her if i need anything.
and then i went to the bank with even more deposits for work, and while i was there, i got my new checking account. the one i will set up for direct deposit tomorrow. it was great! it made me feel so much better, and only took like ten minutes, so it was a quick fix to something that i'd been too frozen up to do before.
i was proud of myself. even used the word divorce when i set it up. even prouder.
and then i went to pick up business cards for work. and went to the gym, only to tan. it was GREAT. i mean, i'm burned, but wanted to come back from vacation with some sun, and didn't. so i made up for it after a rough, crazy busy day with ten full minutes in the booth.
and it was divine. forced me to be completely still for ten full minutes. in silence. it was nice.
and spent more money on more things i needed. i got a back up hard drive and pulled all my files off of the computer at the house, and a router to have internet, which i'd need at the new place anyways.
and then i came to the apartment with the old old computer - 1997 anyone? but it works regardless, and it was all i needed. brought it in via two trips. even parked on my new block. which is pretty impressive.
and i came inside and set it all up on my own. and i was proud of myself.
and i feel excited, and free, and happy. and i feel like i should be more sad, and mopey, and lonely. but i'm not yet.
and i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. because i know that it will.
and every day, i am grateful that it doesn't.
nina said i chewed through my leg shackles, and somehow escaped with my leg intact. so no wonder i am happy and enjoying this. and that six days before my six months are up, maybe then i'll feel sad and lonely just before i cross the finish line. i LOVE that.
i told her that if i make it five months and twenty four days without an incident, i'm totally good with that.
my mom called. i talked to her for a while. then my sister right after. talked to her for a while. chatted with nina for a long time.
it is nice how there's all this maintenance after a trip home. like we were all just talking for the last three days. so why wouldn't i be talking to them all today?
it's great.
i'm excited for this summer. so excited i can hardly wait! i know that it will fly by. i have a lot of big things to tackle in the meantime. so i'll be plenty busy. to have some extra time to spend there.
and my mind wanders back to coffee with this fleeting little thought.
i think i know what i liked so much about things the first time around.
because i'm the type of person who used to be non-stop attached at the hip. i tend to be that way now. and it is something i'm going to work on, what with the whole vow to be 'alone'. but when i liked someone, i wanted to see them and be with them every day.
and coffee was like that with me.
every day. for like a month. that original first go round.
and it seems like if something ever were to happen now, that it would be that way again.
there was this thirst (on my end, i thought on his also) that made us talk for hours on end, for days on end. night after night after night.
it was just this feeling of being completely immersed in someone's life for a little while. and i couldn't get enough. and i think he knew that, and it felt like he was slowly starting to drain the pool. and i just kept trying to swim. until so much water was gone that i was stuck in the deep end, unable to climb out. and that is where i've been flailing for the last twelve years of my life, off and on, with so many distractions, ever since. and he HAUNTS me. i told the shrink that.
but now i have a chance to start again. and my shrink also said that if talking to him is something i still want to do, and never did out of respect for my marriage, that it is okay to do that now. in fact, she actually recommended it.
not in a relationship-romantic kind of a way. but if it was just like a checking in to see what he's up to and to tell him what i'm up to kindof a way.
that it would be healthy. and that it would be a good thing.
how about that? i thought she'd tell me all the ways that fixating on him was completely insane and how i need to completely avoid him altogether.
and she encouraged me to try to initiate a reconnection instead.
who would've thought? i can have what i want. no more deprivation.
i can do as i please. and no one is going to stand in my way.
when i was home, nina said that she talked to kit about him.
that kit was nervous (which she's told me as well), and that she worried about me wanting to chase him again (paraphrasing here...).
and that nina told her that we were a good match, that we were both just too chickenshit to ever do anything about it.
and, as per the usual, this has settled into my head. because she is entirely correct.
i was too scared. and i don't know what his reasons were, but i think it had something to do with a girl in his home town breaking his heart years and years before. protection from a vulnerability that kept me outside. in his comfort zone.
and fuck him. we were a PERFECT MATCH. in my humble opinion.
i've met a lot of people in my thirty two years on this planet. a lot of different types of boys. who all look different. and i have never met anyone who came anywhere near the greatness of that boy.
never.
three states. one south, one west, one northeast. never have i ever. broke the mold when they made him.
there's this death cab song i heard years ago, which was also years after coffee time.
and it's about matching freckles.
and we had matching freckles. i always thought that was some cute little soul mate thing. back when i believed in soul mates. maybe we even had two sets. i want to say one on our hands and one on our feet. i don't know how we would've figured that out exactly, but i have a hazy recollection.
and back to the situation at hand...
i want to get the paperwork going.
i want to be done with it by the time i go home. so i can just swim and enjoy the sun. and have it all behind me. and the pool i'm in, that won't matter. because i've been in a different pool where the water was cold.
and i know that, no matter what, i can appreciate this new pool just for being better. even if it's just filled with clean water, not coffee.
and if three months is the length of time it will take to work on my memoir, then i'd be pretty excited about that. because i want to stop living in the past, in my head. and sometimes i am so overcome with the desire to go back in time, to different times.
i hate it, honestly. just like the way i used to wish i could be hypnotized to be in love with my husband, i'd love to forget everything. so i could live only in the moment.
and i just hope that when i indulge and then finish the book, that i'll be better for it. and that i'll get over it and get on with it.
and one last thing i realized today.
i stopped writing during rough patches. which i already knew.
but i think that it coincided with times when i wasn't being true to myself.
when i was telling myself that i was happy, but deep down, knew that i wasn't. or even on the surface i knew that i wasn't.
and it's pretty fucking ironic that i will have this big thick book, chronicling the funnier and sadder moments of my life for the last thirteen years. and that ever will be a blip on the screen somewhere towards the end.
because i stopped writing when i got engaged to him. until i met the doctor who i crushed on. and then stopped when that ended (when i found out, as per the usual, that he was gay). and then only started back up when i realized that i wanted out of my marriage. and when i didn't care anymore if he read what i wrote about him. because it might only have sped up the process.
and on that note, i will turn in for the evening. try to get some much needed rest.
this is harriet the spy, signing off...
and back again.
traveling back feels a little anticlimactic.
i got nothing other than love from my friend and family.
more frustration with ever than i had expected.
i hate that they don't have the love i thought they'd have for him. but i guess the fact that their daughter is going through this due to his inadequacies is too upsetting to them right now.
i hate to say it, but he kinda called it. not the part about retail therapy. not the part about hate. but he was right about them not really worrying about him. and about them not calling him.
whatever.
i also return without a chance to rewrite my own personal history with coffee. but what can you do when you only have two hours and no guts to try to make something happen?
it's too soon anyways.
i think that by this summer when i come back, just over three months from now, that it will feel quite different. that i will not be in the same place that i am right now.
that i will be so much further along in this process.
i need to try to figure out my finances. that will be huge.
i need to change everything that is in my name into his, and everything that is in both of our names into just mine or his.
i have a lot of work to do.
i know that.
i have to find a lawyer. i have to talk to my therapist tomorrow.
i have to try to fill out all this paperwork without a lawyer, so that only the house is handled by that person.
i have to get a new bank account and switch my direct deposit into it.
i have to change my name, i think.
i don't want to be what i was before, but i also think that by the end of this process over the next six or so months that i will not want to have his name anymore.
i was so afraid of it for so long. but now, i'm actually not afraid at all.
and the last name thing will kindof signify that i'm returning to who i was. only the better version of that girl.
the smarter, more determined, more independent version.
i barely made it into the car before i told them. because my mom asked 'how's tea?' as i shut the car door and i just blurted out that i am so sorry for this visit, that it's the hardest trip home i've had to make (when my sister had her brain surgery was actually the hardest, but i only realized that just now). that it is over and that i'm so sorry and that i feel like a disappointment. that they were the best example, along with my mother's parents. and that i just couldn't follow suit.
they hated that i was afraid, that i didn't tell them, and that i felt that way. they were pretty much instantly angry.
the first thing my dad said was that he wasn't shocked, or surprised. that they knew it was coming. that they were shocked when i came home in december, but that after that trip, they knew it was over.
they were really just surprised that i had moved out of the house, because they both just felt like i should be the one in it. they don't understand that i don't want that huge house to myself. and that i don't want roommates in it.
i hope that he isn't combative about selling the house. because i now know that it's the only way.
really, i feel entitled to more than i'm taking. because i feel like only giving him maybe $10k to get started. but because of all the work he did on the house, and probably will have to continue to do, i am willing to split the difference.
we should each have at least $20k once it is all said and done.
i just hope he doesn't fucking flip out.
really my family did surprise me. my grandparents (mom's) came out with a couple different comments that he'd made in the beginning of our marriage, that they'd tucked away for later use. basically deciding at that point that he just wasn't ever going to be any kind of a provider for me. because he told them that i'd provide for him. and that his mom had said something about me taking care of her ever.
so there. they knew years ago.
and my dad being my dad... he always quizzed me, and only occasionally us, about his contribution to our finances.
and i did always dodge it. because it was a labour of love.
i believed so much in him, and always just thought that he would come around. that it would make enough money to give me a break eventually.
but i just got tired of waiting.
and that is a pattern.
i'm only now aware that i can always do something to make that happen. and speak up for myself! and that i have always had the power to make something happen. i just didn't do it.
so whatever it is that i decide i want. whether that be trying to pin coffee down and make him squirm for once. ask the hard questions. and get my answers.
and to find the boy that i want to be with. have a kid with. work with. and share everything with.
a best friend of the marriage variety.
and even though it will be so long from now, i just have to believe that i will find it and have it.
because this was only kidding.
it's funny.
mom thought it would be smart to have me watch bride wars. which was cute. i think if i could be anyone, it would be anne hathaway. and i like kate hudson, but not in that movie.
anyways, you start to realize into the movie that one of the marriages isn't what it should be. and i so related to that. because i knew. i knew but didn't have the courage to undo it before it happened.
and i so wish that i had in a way.
but know that my life wouldn't be what it is now if i had undone that. and i wouldn't give up the friends i have now.
i just wish it didn't have to come to this. to end this way.
but it did. and it had to happen now. i had to find my balls and leave.
and now i can go back to square one.
i cannot believe how calm i am. i did have a beer. but i just really didn't cry at all when i said goodbye. i think because i know the point i want to get to. that i want to rush this shitty part and get to the part where i'm happier and where this is BEHIND ME. in my past.
and i want it to be over with. and the only way to get there is to just get back and start knocking shit out. like as in, tomorrow and the day after.
in any case...
mimi was AWESOME. i love her so much. she is my favorite aunt, always had been. she was the coolest mom in my eyes, growing up. i always wanted her to be my mom.
and now, she is just the coolest lady i know. and she's so funny and together and i love that she came to see me everyday that i was home. telling me things that i can expect to go through. telling me that there will be ups and downs. that she remembered feeling the way that i feel now, things i've feared coming here and all.
she has just always been the rock. and for my sister especially, she has asked her all the questions she'd never ask mom and dad. the fact that she's a nurse helps. medical knowlege and sex questions.
i never really used her for that. but i just always knew that her life at my age was probably similar to my life at that age, and i loved her for that. for being an experimenter recreationally, and for knowing what to fear and what not to fear. she's one of those 'don't sweat the small stuff' people.
in any case, she's the best. and she really helped me.
nina came up for the day yesterday. she had to arrange for so many things with her two kids to be able to do it, and she'll never know how much it meant to me for her to do that.
i wish in a way that we could've had time alone, but this trip was too short for that. that will happen this summer.
hopefully with kit in tow. i'm gonna work on her until she caves in and comes to hang with us.
nina's just always been there. and she knows me better than anyone else i've ever known. through and through.
when she walked up to me when she first came over, she just hugged me for so long and i fought tears. even though she's known for longer than anyone else that i was headed toward divorce. it felt so good to have her there.
and same for my sister. she came for the day also, and i would've loved to have had more time alone with her. but we had an intense pillow talk conversation last night that was really pretty great. i was grateful for that.
the two of them just make me feel like they really want me to be happy, and i know that both of them would do anything i asked to make that happen. and even things i don't ask. to try to instigate things to happen. and though here, i'm specifically referring to one coffee, i know that it would be the same answer even if it were someone or something else that i wanted.
it was a desperate measure. and i'm kindof ashamed. and really disappointed.
we went to the bar where he took me that night.
after nina sent him a message asking him where to find the finest beer on a tuesday, to which he didn't respond.
and of course i was there with nina and my sister. and of course all night i watched the door and the bar from above. waiting and waiting for him to pop in.
but what if he had? i mean, really? i don't even know. and i know that is why it didn't happen. cosmically speaking, it will happen when i am able to act on it.
i just can't shake this desire to push him quite literally into a corner and ask him why why why?
and then demand that he take me away and talk to me until the sun comes up.
i wonder if this will take on that pam and jim thing. where the timing is never right. like somehow finding out that i'm married pushed him to want to be, and that now that i'm not going to be anymore, he'd be the severest form of taken.
and what difference does any of it really make? he'd never come to be with me. and i don't know that i could ever go back home. though i'm also willing to admit that he'd be the only thing that could ever get me back there.
therapy. oh, i cannot wait.
wish i could have a two hour session, in a way.
i cannot wait to get everything out. and to chock up to coffee. and to see what she thinks of it.
boarding the plane very soon. empty flight. hopefully that means that i'll have a row to myself. and can down a couple beers before i land.
hells yeah. beer. makes everything easier and better.
kit is saving my ass, coming to pick me up from the airport.
i can't wait to see her. she had a shit time while i was away.
and it will be good to try to be there for her now, because she needs a friend.
i got nothing other than love from my friend and family.
more frustration with ever than i had expected.
i hate that they don't have the love i thought they'd have for him. but i guess the fact that their daughter is going through this due to his inadequacies is too upsetting to them right now.
i hate to say it, but he kinda called it. not the part about retail therapy. not the part about hate. but he was right about them not really worrying about him. and about them not calling him.
whatever.
i also return without a chance to rewrite my own personal history with coffee. but what can you do when you only have two hours and no guts to try to make something happen?
it's too soon anyways.
i think that by this summer when i come back, just over three months from now, that it will feel quite different. that i will not be in the same place that i am right now.
that i will be so much further along in this process.
i need to try to figure out my finances. that will be huge.
i need to change everything that is in my name into his, and everything that is in both of our names into just mine or his.
i have a lot of work to do.
i know that.
i have to find a lawyer. i have to talk to my therapist tomorrow.
i have to try to fill out all this paperwork without a lawyer, so that only the house is handled by that person.
i have to get a new bank account and switch my direct deposit into it.
i have to change my name, i think.
i don't want to be what i was before, but i also think that by the end of this process over the next six or so months that i will not want to have his name anymore.
i was so afraid of it for so long. but now, i'm actually not afraid at all.
and the last name thing will kindof signify that i'm returning to who i was. only the better version of that girl.
the smarter, more determined, more independent version.
i barely made it into the car before i told them. because my mom asked 'how's tea?' as i shut the car door and i just blurted out that i am so sorry for this visit, that it's the hardest trip home i've had to make (when my sister had her brain surgery was actually the hardest, but i only realized that just now). that it is over and that i'm so sorry and that i feel like a disappointment. that they were the best example, along with my mother's parents. and that i just couldn't follow suit.
they hated that i was afraid, that i didn't tell them, and that i felt that way. they were pretty much instantly angry.
the first thing my dad said was that he wasn't shocked, or surprised. that they knew it was coming. that they were shocked when i came home in december, but that after that trip, they knew it was over.
they were really just surprised that i had moved out of the house, because they both just felt like i should be the one in it. they don't understand that i don't want that huge house to myself. and that i don't want roommates in it.
i hope that he isn't combative about selling the house. because i now know that it's the only way.
really, i feel entitled to more than i'm taking. because i feel like only giving him maybe $10k to get started. but because of all the work he did on the house, and probably will have to continue to do, i am willing to split the difference.
we should each have at least $20k once it is all said and done.
i just hope he doesn't fucking flip out.
really my family did surprise me. my grandparents (mom's) came out with a couple different comments that he'd made in the beginning of our marriage, that they'd tucked away for later use. basically deciding at that point that he just wasn't ever going to be any kind of a provider for me. because he told them that i'd provide for him. and that his mom had said something about me taking care of her ever.
so there. they knew years ago.
and my dad being my dad... he always quizzed me, and only occasionally us, about his contribution to our finances.
and i did always dodge it. because it was a labour of love.
i believed so much in him, and always just thought that he would come around. that it would make enough money to give me a break eventually.
but i just got tired of waiting.
and that is a pattern.
i'm only now aware that i can always do something to make that happen. and speak up for myself! and that i have always had the power to make something happen. i just didn't do it.
so whatever it is that i decide i want. whether that be trying to pin coffee down and make him squirm for once. ask the hard questions. and get my answers.
and to find the boy that i want to be with. have a kid with. work with. and share everything with.
a best friend of the marriage variety.
and even though it will be so long from now, i just have to believe that i will find it and have it.
because this was only kidding.
it's funny.
mom thought it would be smart to have me watch bride wars. which was cute. i think if i could be anyone, it would be anne hathaway. and i like kate hudson, but not in that movie.
anyways, you start to realize into the movie that one of the marriages isn't what it should be. and i so related to that. because i knew. i knew but didn't have the courage to undo it before it happened.
and i so wish that i had in a way.
but know that my life wouldn't be what it is now if i had undone that. and i wouldn't give up the friends i have now.
i just wish it didn't have to come to this. to end this way.
but it did. and it had to happen now. i had to find my balls and leave.
and now i can go back to square one.
i cannot believe how calm i am. i did have a beer. but i just really didn't cry at all when i said goodbye. i think because i know the point i want to get to. that i want to rush this shitty part and get to the part where i'm happier and where this is BEHIND ME. in my past.
and i want it to be over with. and the only way to get there is to just get back and start knocking shit out. like as in, tomorrow and the day after.
in any case...
mimi was AWESOME. i love her so much. she is my favorite aunt, always had been. she was the coolest mom in my eyes, growing up. i always wanted her to be my mom.
and now, she is just the coolest lady i know. and she's so funny and together and i love that she came to see me everyday that i was home. telling me things that i can expect to go through. telling me that there will be ups and downs. that she remembered feeling the way that i feel now, things i've feared coming here and all.
she has just always been the rock. and for my sister especially, she has asked her all the questions she'd never ask mom and dad. the fact that she's a nurse helps. medical knowlege and sex questions.
i never really used her for that. but i just always knew that her life at my age was probably similar to my life at that age, and i loved her for that. for being an experimenter recreationally, and for knowing what to fear and what not to fear. she's one of those 'don't sweat the small stuff' people.
in any case, she's the best. and she really helped me.
nina came up for the day yesterday. she had to arrange for so many things with her two kids to be able to do it, and she'll never know how much it meant to me for her to do that.
i wish in a way that we could've had time alone, but this trip was too short for that. that will happen this summer.
hopefully with kit in tow. i'm gonna work on her until she caves in and comes to hang with us.
nina's just always been there. and she knows me better than anyone else i've ever known. through and through.
when she walked up to me when she first came over, she just hugged me for so long and i fought tears. even though she's known for longer than anyone else that i was headed toward divorce. it felt so good to have her there.
and same for my sister. she came for the day also, and i would've loved to have had more time alone with her. but we had an intense pillow talk conversation last night that was really pretty great. i was grateful for that.
the two of them just make me feel like they really want me to be happy, and i know that both of them would do anything i asked to make that happen. and even things i don't ask. to try to instigate things to happen. and though here, i'm specifically referring to one coffee, i know that it would be the same answer even if it were someone or something else that i wanted.
it was a desperate measure. and i'm kindof ashamed. and really disappointed.
we went to the bar where he took me that night.
after nina sent him a message asking him where to find the finest beer on a tuesday, to which he didn't respond.
and of course i was there with nina and my sister. and of course all night i watched the door and the bar from above. waiting and waiting for him to pop in.
but what if he had? i mean, really? i don't even know. and i know that is why it didn't happen. cosmically speaking, it will happen when i am able to act on it.
i just can't shake this desire to push him quite literally into a corner and ask him why why why?
and then demand that he take me away and talk to me until the sun comes up.
i wonder if this will take on that pam and jim thing. where the timing is never right. like somehow finding out that i'm married pushed him to want to be, and that now that i'm not going to be anymore, he'd be the severest form of taken.
and what difference does any of it really make? he'd never come to be with me. and i don't know that i could ever go back home. though i'm also willing to admit that he'd be the only thing that could ever get me back there.
therapy. oh, i cannot wait.
wish i could have a two hour session, in a way.
i cannot wait to get everything out. and to chock up to coffee. and to see what she thinks of it.
boarding the plane very soon. empty flight. hopefully that means that i'll have a row to myself. and can down a couple beers before i land.
hells yeah. beer. makes everything easier and better.
kit is saving my ass, coming to pick me up from the airport.
i can't wait to see her. she had a shit time while i was away.
and it will be good to try to be there for her now, because she needs a friend.
home. march 8.
flying home.
i'm more excited than i thought i'd be. i'm less nervous than i thought i'd be.
however, i did not sleep last night.
i literally listened to takk and ( ) play straight through once each. i know i fell asleep long enough to have a tiny dream, because one of the pieces of paper i taped up to cover a window fell and woke me up with a start.
the music was over, so i restarted it. listened to takk, and must've dozed off and had a nightmare about ever telling my parents just before i could. just blurted it out, as if they already knew.
and i woke up from that and started the music again.
and i didn't fall back asleep after that. i got out of bed while the music was still on.
it was awful. i can't remember the last time i had such a hard time falling asleep. or staying asleep.
i was tossing and turning with scenarios playing out in my head of how this whole thing is about to go down.
i don't have my rings on, so if they're paying any kind of attention, they'll notice before i even have a chance to tell them.
and if not, i don't plan to make it very far before telling them. not even off of airport territory.
fifteen minutes of details that don't need to be shared with the grandparents.
i should be more scared. but i think they're just going to understand.
and i can't fathom that i wouldn't be bawling, so that will make it easier to say.
what will i say?
'it's over. and now i don't know what to do.'
too blunt?
'i'm sorry i lied to you both. we decided to end this on valentine's day, and it killed me not to tell you, but i just owe it to you both to tell you in person. this wasn't an easy decision.'
and,
'i don't know what to do. i think i need a lawyer. and i don't want one and i don't want to pay one. i think we have to sell the house in september to avoid being taxed to hell, and i don't want to sell the house.'
and then,
'i just had to break away and start over. i'm trying not to feel like a bad person, and this is not only because of not being in love, because i was willing to work through that. this was just two people who are unwilling to make sacrifices anymore. i have given all that i can give. i am wrung out and exhausted. and now i'm a 32 year old kid starting over.'
and,
'by the way, when i talked to you on friday night and you asked what i was doing, and i said hanging out, that was a lie. i was moving out. i've been in my halfway house apartment for three days now. and i should feel more sad than i feel. i should feel devastated. and i don't yet. i know i will. but i feel free, in a way.'
because
'going to the house makes me feel sick. i can't deal with it. i will have to go once a week, at a minimum for a while, until i can get a computer and an external hard drive and not use the one i left there. until he teaches his intern to do all the things i do for him. and the thought of doing our taxes makes me want to vomit.'
because i could really use the $2900 i'd be getting back if it were not for him.
i think i should just finish them this week. and then tell him how much he owes for that.
i hate flying days.
i'm so nervous now. it's getting down to it. twenty minutes until i should leave. and that still puts me there a couple hours early. i wish i could do something else for a while. but i am too afraid to.
i was really getting somewhere with my writing last night. it hurt. quite a bit. i was incredible sad. fighting tears even as i wrote it out. and then, of course, after i wrote all that, and after kit left (she dropped off a book for nina), i pulled a classic tea move.
i grabbed the dream journal.
it is not a dream journal, that's just what it says.
it is the journal where i made my three life-changing mistakes.
the one where i turned down the sun. the one when i last spent an evening curled up with coffee. and the one when i met ever.
oh, those weeks in november of 2000. what i wouldn't give for a do-over.
and re-reading it every time makes me feel so sick over things i forget every time.
why was i so stubborn? he had his mouth in the vicinity of mine for hours. and i wrote that he couldn't just put his face there and hope i sneeze or something and kiss him. he kissed my forehead, even.
how could he miss my mouth by so much?
and here i sit. again. rehashing rehashing. maybe writing the memoir won't fix me after all.
in six hours i'll be home telling my mom and dad what my life has become. and now, coffee coffee coffee.
i am one sick little girl.
i'm more excited than i thought i'd be. i'm less nervous than i thought i'd be.
however, i did not sleep last night.
i literally listened to takk and ( ) play straight through once each. i know i fell asleep long enough to have a tiny dream, because one of the pieces of paper i taped up to cover a window fell and woke me up with a start.
the music was over, so i restarted it. listened to takk, and must've dozed off and had a nightmare about ever telling my parents just before i could. just blurted it out, as if they already knew.
and i woke up from that and started the music again.
and i didn't fall back asleep after that. i got out of bed while the music was still on.
it was awful. i can't remember the last time i had such a hard time falling asleep. or staying asleep.
i was tossing and turning with scenarios playing out in my head of how this whole thing is about to go down.
i don't have my rings on, so if they're paying any kind of attention, they'll notice before i even have a chance to tell them.
and if not, i don't plan to make it very far before telling them. not even off of airport territory.
fifteen minutes of details that don't need to be shared with the grandparents.
i should be more scared. but i think they're just going to understand.
and i can't fathom that i wouldn't be bawling, so that will make it easier to say.
what will i say?
'it's over. and now i don't know what to do.'
too blunt?
'i'm sorry i lied to you both. we decided to end this on valentine's day, and it killed me not to tell you, but i just owe it to you both to tell you in person. this wasn't an easy decision.'
and,
'i don't know what to do. i think i need a lawyer. and i don't want one and i don't want to pay one. i think we have to sell the house in september to avoid being taxed to hell, and i don't want to sell the house.'
and then,
'i just had to break away and start over. i'm trying not to feel like a bad person, and this is not only because of not being in love, because i was willing to work through that. this was just two people who are unwilling to make sacrifices anymore. i have given all that i can give. i am wrung out and exhausted. and now i'm a 32 year old kid starting over.'
and,
'by the way, when i talked to you on friday night and you asked what i was doing, and i said hanging out, that was a lie. i was moving out. i've been in my halfway house apartment for three days now. and i should feel more sad than i feel. i should feel devastated. and i don't yet. i know i will. but i feel free, in a way.'
because
'going to the house makes me feel sick. i can't deal with it. i will have to go once a week, at a minimum for a while, until i can get a computer and an external hard drive and not use the one i left there. until he teaches his intern to do all the things i do for him. and the thought of doing our taxes makes me want to vomit.'
because i could really use the $2900 i'd be getting back if it were not for him.
i think i should just finish them this week. and then tell him how much he owes for that.
i hate flying days.
i'm so nervous now. it's getting down to it. twenty minutes until i should leave. and that still puts me there a couple hours early. i wish i could do something else for a while. but i am too afraid to.
i was really getting somewhere with my writing last night. it hurt. quite a bit. i was incredible sad. fighting tears even as i wrote it out. and then, of course, after i wrote all that, and after kit left (she dropped off a book for nina), i pulled a classic tea move.
i grabbed the dream journal.
it is not a dream journal, that's just what it says.
it is the journal where i made my three life-changing mistakes.
the one where i turned down the sun. the one when i last spent an evening curled up with coffee. and the one when i met ever.
oh, those weeks in november of 2000. what i wouldn't give for a do-over.
and re-reading it every time makes me feel so sick over things i forget every time.
why was i so stubborn? he had his mouth in the vicinity of mine for hours. and i wrote that he couldn't just put his face there and hope i sneeze or something and kiss him. he kissed my forehead, even.
how could he miss my mouth by so much?
and here i sit. again. rehashing rehashing. maybe writing the memoir won't fix me after all.
in six hours i'll be home telling my mom and dad what my life has become. and now, coffee coffee coffee.
i am one sick little girl.
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