'i'm home. i'd really like to buy you a drink.'
waiting. seemed like forever. really, it was only a few minutes.
'i'd like that.'
excitedly, i packed a few items into my bag. just in case.
i drove into the city that wasn't really a city.
parked, walked too quickly. nerves getting the best of me.
i don't remember the first part of the conversation. there was a big hug when we were standing together again.
there was a corner booth in a bar that wasn't well lit. there was a flickering candle on the table, a tealight that only caught his eye every so often.
i made a shitty joke about his girlfriend being mad about me taking him out for a drink. it posed as a joke, but really i just wanted to know if he had a girlfriend. as if that was some kind of a gauge on how i could or would or should act towards him.
there was a delayed response on his behalf. i think i genuinely surprised him, because he looked so confused when he said that he had no girlfriend.
for a split second i thought to myself...oh, my god. does he have a boyfriend? is that what this was always about? but i talked myself out of that.
after small talk, i took a deep breath that i disguised in a laugh at something he said that wasn't nearly as funny as it seemed by my reaction.
the smile on my lips tightened into a straight line.
'you know? i just wanted to talk to you. it's such a funny thing to say, because by saying it, i am talking to you. but there are just too many things in my life that feel unsettled. and i wanted to try to settle a few of them.'
his eyes widened a little, and i tried to put him at ease explaining what i'd been going through since i last saw him.
'when i saw you, you would never have known what i'd been doing the three days before that. i had been essentially getting my parents' blessing on ending my marriage.'
his mouth dropped open. he didn't even try to hide it.
'i know. and you kept mentioning it to me. and i just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. no! it's actually almost over. please stop talking about it. it was the biggest mistake of my life. and i'm trying to undo it. but it's going to take some time.'
he just stared at me. the words flowed like a warm rush of vomit. out of my control entirely.
'and then i came home for a couple days to tell them that it was over.'
he nodded.
'and now i'm here. trying to just get away from it and everything that it is doing to me and to my life. and i'm starting over in a way. but i'm also coming back to everything that i always knew. so in a way i'm not starting over at all.'
he shook his head in disbelief. it felt like he was still processing the first couple sentences. i had flooded him.
if i thought he cared enough about me, i would have thought that there were the tiniest hints of tears in his eyes. but there weren't. it was just an illusion.
'you know what else?'
he said 'no' aloud, but in a way that was barely audible.
'i just can't help wanting to go back to the time in my life when you were my friend. and when you used to curl up with me and listen to sad music with me and stare at the stars with me. life was so fucking simple then. and i don't know how my life got so carried away that it was so far from reach. i just wish i could go back. and appreciate it. and have more of it.'
i stopped for a minute to drink. quickly.
'those years were just the best. i know it was college. i know that i had a lot of really great friends. i know that i was learning and living life without really worrying about my future and about adult responsibilities. but those were the best days of my life. and it makes me sad sometimes to think that the best days of my life are behind me.'
he nodded. i didn't know if he was relating or if he was agreeing.
'i just knew that if i was really happy in my life, the life i had chosen for myself, that i wouldn't feel that way. and when i was out of it, i immediately felt relieved and happier and better.'
i drank more. i kept waiting for him to interject. or to say something. anything. but he just sat there, listening. letting me talk it all out.
'getting older doesn't have to mean getting old. or giving things up. at the root of it all, i'm the same person. wanting the same things, with the same interests. the same passions. i'm just in an older body, doing other things with my time during the work week. but i still feel the same way about writing, about music. i still watch the same movies when i'm sad. i still listen to the same songs when i'm sad.'
'i didn't bring you out for a drink to talk your ear off. i want to know about your life. i want to know what you have been doing. i guess i enjoyed the sliver of time i had with you this winter, and thought it would be nice to have some more of that.'
he started talking slowly. he commented on some things that i had said. how he related them to his life. how he could say the same things about some things in his life.
he told me how time had changed him, slightly.
and he talked for a while. and paused, like he was passing the ball to me.
and i just came right out with it. i'd had enough to drink to not worry about it anymore.
'why didn't you ever kiss me?'
and his immediate response was, 'i don't know.' which i was not going to settle for.
he did pause to think about it for a minute. i just sipped. not a word.
'i was just scared, i think.'
'what were you afraid of?'
'well, i was afraid of you. i didn't want to hurt you. i knew that if i kissed you, that it wouldn't be what you wanted it to be. your eyes were too full of love. and i just couldn't. but believe me... i wanted to.'
'is that why you didn't ever try to take me out? why didn't you ever come to see me? i only ever came to see you.'
'i don't know. i think i just thought that if i did any of those things that you would fall. and i was afraid that it just wouldn't end well.'
i shook my head with tears in my eyes.
it was true. my suspicions. my fears. i had scared him off before i ever even had a chance to.
he was right. in every possible way, he was right.
'well, thank you for telling me that. it bothered me that i never asked you. i was always too afraid to ask you. i was afraid that you would think it was silly that i even wanted to know.'
'no. i think about it, too. i mean, when i saw you, it was all i could think about. i couldn't remember why i never was with you, as something other than your friend.'
'yeah. i knew at that point that life as i knew it was over. and i had so much fun that night. and so much fun with you that night. it made me wonder why i didn't try harder with you. and it just proved to me that i was the same happy person i always was. and that i just needed a fresh start.'
'you wanna take walk?'
'sure.' i needed a cigarette anyway. he had quit.
he linked arms with me. it felt familiar. he had that same excited bounce in his step.
we walked around a lake, staring at boats shaped like swans and a little fountain that sat lifeless in the middle of the lake.
'so what are you doing now? what is your life like? and when are you leaving?'
i talked with such ease that i don't remember what i was saying. until i said that i was leaving in a week.
'well, what are you doing tonight?'
and it stopped me dead in my tracks.
'this is what i'm doing tonight. i just came here. i didn't think beyond that.'
'well, would you like to come over? watch a movie or something?'
a smile crept across my face.
'i would love that.'
anniversary. march 23.
today would have been my seventh anniversary.
but instead, it was just a sad day.
it was a quiet day of music, spent running between stores, and driving to another state and back again.
i have been pretty good about making lists and accomplishing things and marking them off lately.
except for some of the big picture items.
i emailed an attorney and heard back.
$275 per hour. i am in the wrong business.
and that's probably the least expensive it's going to be.
cray-zee.
ever took a minute out of his busy day to text me that he is pissed that i abandoned our marriage today.
i texted him back that i'm pissed that he waited until i left to clean himself and the house up. but that it is what it is. and that i wouldn't be dropping by the house as i had planned to.
and then he said that he loves me more than anything, but that he was hating on me today.
i don't know.
i bought a lot of beer today. and a carton of cigarettes. because they're cheap and i'm going to buy them anyways.
so i may as well save some money.
i don't think i've had fewer than two beers a day since i moved into this apartment.
about half of them are beers at home. the other half are beers out.
either way, i'm starting to pack on some empty carb pounds, and i'm not too stoked on that.
and need to do something about it.
but how can i smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish AND get skinnier?
answer: i can't.
and every time i smoke, i think 'well, can't start back at the gym today.'
sometimes i think that i am kindof abusing myself.
only it doesn't always feel like it.
because most of the time i am having fun. and i definitely know my limits with drinking.
i don't take it too far.
but i am going to have to curb this taste for craft beers if i'm going to be on the lake and poolside this summer.
maybe i can have one a night on weeknights.
i remember a few weeks ago when i could have been overheard saying 'i don't drink on worknights'.
now it is completely irrelevant.
now i can be overheard saying something like, 'know what would taste good with this pizza? a beer...'
i am perfectly aware that this is a coping mechanism. that i am using alcohol somehow to make me feel better, even though it's a downer.
and just like i know that smoking is a nasty habit, it changes nothing.
pretty soon, something has got to give.
back to today.
i don't know what my problem is, really.
i mean, i think i am fine.
i do occasionally have these sudden pangs of anger.
they're always directed toward ever. mostly when i wonder how long he was perfecting lying to me.
and sometimes i do get sad. i mean, sunday was the first time that i almost cried.
and then today.
part of me wanted to go buy a bakery cake. the kind with my favorite whipped icing on it.
and sit down with candles and light them. blow them out. make a wish that would probably involve coffee somehow. and eat the whole thing myself. like an anti-happy anniversary party. or better yet, a happy anti-anniversary party. all by myself. because that is how i am now.
and as much as i wanted to do that, and as good an intention as i think that it was, i am glad i didn't. because i think that once the stomachache started, i would have started to cry. and maybe not stopped until, technically, tomorrow.
i don't know. i don't know what to say. or do.
i talked to my mom today. and her perspective on things is so skewed. she thought that i feel like they're pressuring me about the house to get their money back. which is not the case. i know that they could give a shit about that money right now.
she thought that it would stress me out if she called ever. which it wouldn't.
i don't know.
i found myself, the whole conversation, saying 'no. mom. it's not like that.'
which was new and different.
my shrink warned me that i wouldn't know how i'd be feeling from day to day.
right now, i feel like crying.
but i'm also not.
right now, i know that i made the right decision. because ever telling me that he would have made all those changes if i'd just given him more time doesn't change the fact that he didn't try. that i wasn't in love with him. that he wasn't being honest with me. that i only loved him up to a point. that he wasn't selfless. that he took and took and soaked up everything like a sponge.
so i had to take it all back.
and if this is the hardest day of the year for me. my anniversary. and i made it through it by writing and being quiet and alone. by watching lost on hulu and drinking two beers in the apartment alone, then so be it.
if this is my worst day, i can't wait to see what my best days will be like.
i'm really trying to separate here.
my divorce and anniversary and ever. from everything else.
the memoir is stalled until i figure out how to move on. but also because i completely overwhelmed myself with my old life in a matter of two short days. this is not going to be easy. not in the least.
and i won't even start about coffee. maybe that is enough for another short story. because i'm very creative at night when i'm falling asleep and i could go on for days.
but today is about a death. and i want to take a page from kit and write an obituary to the marriage that died:
this marriage was born on march twenty third, two thousand and three. it died on february fourteenth twenty ten, after eight months of illness, and three months on life support.
this marriage was created based on the belief that two people would take care of each other and love each other, provide for each other and help each other. and poorer dominated richer, and sickness dominated health.
surviving this marriage is one tea, and one ever.
the memorial service is being held presently in one little apartment in a little neighborhood in a big city. it is a private ceremony.
the burial will take place in two to six months from now, in some legal offices in some big building in this big city. dates are yet to be determined.
the marriage leaves behind one big house, one broken heart, and one hopeful heart. it is survived by one sad little puppy who misses her mommy very much.
and i think that is all that needs to be said about that.
tomorrow i will start again. because that is what i do. something dies, i bury it, i start again.
and i'm going to try to not get overwhelmed. so i can remain functional. and somewhat happy. and take care of things. because that is what i do.
but instead, it was just a sad day.
it was a quiet day of music, spent running between stores, and driving to another state and back again.
i have been pretty good about making lists and accomplishing things and marking them off lately.
except for some of the big picture items.
i emailed an attorney and heard back.
$275 per hour. i am in the wrong business.
and that's probably the least expensive it's going to be.
cray-zee.
ever took a minute out of his busy day to text me that he is pissed that i abandoned our marriage today.
i texted him back that i'm pissed that he waited until i left to clean himself and the house up. but that it is what it is. and that i wouldn't be dropping by the house as i had planned to.
and then he said that he loves me more than anything, but that he was hating on me today.
i don't know.
i bought a lot of beer today. and a carton of cigarettes. because they're cheap and i'm going to buy them anyways.
so i may as well save some money.
i don't think i've had fewer than two beers a day since i moved into this apartment.
about half of them are beers at home. the other half are beers out.
either way, i'm starting to pack on some empty carb pounds, and i'm not too stoked on that.
and need to do something about it.
but how can i smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish AND get skinnier?
answer: i can't.
and every time i smoke, i think 'well, can't start back at the gym today.'
sometimes i think that i am kindof abusing myself.
only it doesn't always feel like it.
because most of the time i am having fun. and i definitely know my limits with drinking.
i don't take it too far.
but i am going to have to curb this taste for craft beers if i'm going to be on the lake and poolside this summer.
maybe i can have one a night on weeknights.
i remember a few weeks ago when i could have been overheard saying 'i don't drink on worknights'.
now it is completely irrelevant.
now i can be overheard saying something like, 'know what would taste good with this pizza? a beer...'
i am perfectly aware that this is a coping mechanism. that i am using alcohol somehow to make me feel better, even though it's a downer.
and just like i know that smoking is a nasty habit, it changes nothing.
pretty soon, something has got to give.
back to today.
i don't know what my problem is, really.
i mean, i think i am fine.
i do occasionally have these sudden pangs of anger.
they're always directed toward ever. mostly when i wonder how long he was perfecting lying to me.
and sometimes i do get sad. i mean, sunday was the first time that i almost cried.
and then today.
part of me wanted to go buy a bakery cake. the kind with my favorite whipped icing on it.
and sit down with candles and light them. blow them out. make a wish that would probably involve coffee somehow. and eat the whole thing myself. like an anti-happy anniversary party. or better yet, a happy anti-anniversary party. all by myself. because that is how i am now.
and as much as i wanted to do that, and as good an intention as i think that it was, i am glad i didn't. because i think that once the stomachache started, i would have started to cry. and maybe not stopped until, technically, tomorrow.
i don't know. i don't know what to say. or do.
i talked to my mom today. and her perspective on things is so skewed. she thought that i feel like they're pressuring me about the house to get their money back. which is not the case. i know that they could give a shit about that money right now.
she thought that it would stress me out if she called ever. which it wouldn't.
i don't know.
i found myself, the whole conversation, saying 'no. mom. it's not like that.'
which was new and different.
my shrink warned me that i wouldn't know how i'd be feeling from day to day.
right now, i feel like crying.
but i'm also not.
right now, i know that i made the right decision. because ever telling me that he would have made all those changes if i'd just given him more time doesn't change the fact that he didn't try. that i wasn't in love with him. that he wasn't being honest with me. that i only loved him up to a point. that he wasn't selfless. that he took and took and soaked up everything like a sponge.
so i had to take it all back.
and if this is the hardest day of the year for me. my anniversary. and i made it through it by writing and being quiet and alone. by watching lost on hulu and drinking two beers in the apartment alone, then so be it.
if this is my worst day, i can't wait to see what my best days will be like.
i'm really trying to separate here.
my divorce and anniversary and ever. from everything else.
the memoir is stalled until i figure out how to move on. but also because i completely overwhelmed myself with my old life in a matter of two short days. this is not going to be easy. not in the least.
and i won't even start about coffee. maybe that is enough for another short story. because i'm very creative at night when i'm falling asleep and i could go on for days.
but today is about a death. and i want to take a page from kit and write an obituary to the marriage that died:
this marriage was born on march twenty third, two thousand and three. it died on february fourteenth twenty ten, after eight months of illness, and three months on life support.
this marriage was created based on the belief that two people would take care of each other and love each other, provide for each other and help each other. and poorer dominated richer, and sickness dominated health.
surviving this marriage is one tea, and one ever.
the memorial service is being held presently in one little apartment in a little neighborhood in a big city. it is a private ceremony.
the burial will take place in two to six months from now, in some legal offices in some big building in this big city. dates are yet to be determined.
the marriage leaves behind one big house, one broken heart, and one hopeful heart. it is survived by one sad little puppy who misses her mommy very much.
and i think that is all that needs to be said about that.
tomorrow i will start again. because that is what i do. something dies, i bury it, i start again.
and i'm going to try to not get overwhelmed. so i can remain functional. and somewhat happy. and take care of things. because that is what i do.
so i went to the house today.
and for a second, only maybe 20 at most, i was actually sad.
i don't know if he's trying to prove something to me or what, but he was cleaned up, shaven, dressed up even.
the house was clean and organized.
i was really impressed.
we talked on couches facing each other for maybe 20 or 30 minutes.
stuff about the house. stuff about bills.
he's trying to get people to move in, so that was the reason for the cleanliness and presentability. but it was still a surprise.
i wish in a way that he could have looked that good and been so together when i was still there. but then again, it wouldn't have changed any of our other, bigger problems.
maybe i was sentimental because of other things.
i have a pretty crazy reunion coming up this weekend. in 6 days.
brownies, nate, and i are reuniting for the first time in maybe 9 years. it's going to be fun, for sure.
and i know she will be the same person she always was.
but to be going through what i'm going through right now is going to be interesting when added to the equation.
nate and i will have a kickass friday night under our belts. hopefully dancing our pants off.
because i've had the itch lately.
and then saturday will be running around with her. i'll head back either saturday night or sunday am to rest up before work on monday.
plus, i have finished the novel and started the memoir, so i'm rehashing the early stuff from my adult life. and beating myself up as i always do. but hopefully it will be for the last time.
i think i need to read about how to write a memoir.
because i started just typing up journals, and that is not only going to take 8451365465 years, but also doesn't really read too easily.
it's like i need to approach it like a fictional story and quote entries from time to time.
i also really need to finish our taxes. like in the next couple days.
and i just get so overwhelmed i don't really know where to start.
i also need to talk to the lawyer. this week. get that ball rolling. i emailed her tonite, so i guess it is already in motion. i hope she can help me.
i can file for separation. on my own, most likely.
that's about it for now.
i don't know.
today did mix me up a bit. but not in the way that i think i want that back, or made a mistake.
just in the way that it made me wonder why he couldn't do those things for me when i did so much for him.
then i remember... i did so much for him.
and that is why i am a spy.
and for a second, only maybe 20 at most, i was actually sad.
i don't know if he's trying to prove something to me or what, but he was cleaned up, shaven, dressed up even.
the house was clean and organized.
i was really impressed.
we talked on couches facing each other for maybe 20 or 30 minutes.
stuff about the house. stuff about bills.
he's trying to get people to move in, so that was the reason for the cleanliness and presentability. but it was still a surprise.
i wish in a way that he could have looked that good and been so together when i was still there. but then again, it wouldn't have changed any of our other, bigger problems.
maybe i was sentimental because of other things.
i have a pretty crazy reunion coming up this weekend. in 6 days.
brownies, nate, and i are reuniting for the first time in maybe 9 years. it's going to be fun, for sure.
and i know she will be the same person she always was.
but to be going through what i'm going through right now is going to be interesting when added to the equation.
nate and i will have a kickass friday night under our belts. hopefully dancing our pants off.
because i've had the itch lately.
and then saturday will be running around with her. i'll head back either saturday night or sunday am to rest up before work on monday.
plus, i have finished the novel and started the memoir, so i'm rehashing the early stuff from my adult life. and beating myself up as i always do. but hopefully it will be for the last time.
i think i need to read about how to write a memoir.
because i started just typing up journals, and that is not only going to take 8451365465 years, but also doesn't really read too easily.
it's like i need to approach it like a fictional story and quote entries from time to time.
i also really need to finish our taxes. like in the next couple days.
and i just get so overwhelmed i don't really know where to start.
i also need to talk to the lawyer. this week. get that ball rolling. i emailed her tonite, so i guess it is already in motion. i hope she can help me.
i can file for separation. on my own, most likely.
that's about it for now.
i don't know.
today did mix me up a bit. but not in the way that i think i want that back, or made a mistake.
just in the way that it made me wonder why he couldn't do those things for me when i did so much for him.
then i remember... i did so much for him.
and that is why i am a spy.
still not sad...
i keep waiting. and waiting.
and i'm just not sad.
i'm happy. i am relieved.
and the weather broke. and it is impossible not to be in love with spring.
i feel in some ways like i have nothing to do. and yet i've been too busy to write.
scratch that. rewind. i've been too busy to write this.
i've been incredibly focused on the novel. it's so nearly complete, it's kinda bothering me to write this instead of finishing it.
i did the final edit, start to finish. and now all that are left are the entries for each of the characters' dreams. they're all really short, and i have more than half of them written. i just have to type them in and edit before i send 1st drafts out to my closest friends for input/edits.
it's so exciting. i just want to finish, because there are so many things in this life that i start and do not finish. and this is not going to be one of them. i've been saying for a month that it is almost done, almost done. and it's true, but i just couldn't spend the time on it. until this past weekend. when i really did nearly finish the thing.
the story is done. just these stupid journal entries... in any case. it is my plan to send it out THIS VERY EVENING!! nate is demanding to be the first, since he inspired me initially, and he lets me edit his novels.
and then the rest will follow.
thanks in advance. (i think all of my editors are the only people who read this blog.) and... heads up!
yesterday was a crazy day for me. totally emotionally draining. i vented to poor kit, who joined in the fury and the bitchfest i'd started all on my own.
of course, it was because i had to go to the house and deal with ever. and there were shenanigans. fucker.
first, i must back up to get into it. you know, set the stage.
from the outset of our splitting, i had agreed to help him one day a week with the business. mondays.
he pissed me off initially because he called this weekend. he wanted to talk about some things, after flaking on plans to spend a bit of time at the house with him.
which, whatever. i had fun with alice and was better off not going to that dirty, sad house. he was switching his anti-anxiety meds and had asked that i come over, because he was worried about how he was going to do with the switch.
i felt bad for him, and worried for him, so i agreed to. then he canceled on me. and wanted to talk to me that day on the phone instead.
i went by to pick up some cash he 'owed' me, and a computer cable.
he wanted to make sure that we could talk later. (maybe three times he asked me?)
yes. yes. yes. i'll call you later.
so i hung with alice during the afternoon/early evening. and then was doing stuff online. and i got hungry. so i made a pizza and decided to call him then. it was 1030.
and one of the first things he says is 'are you eating?? i'll just talk to you later.'
i asked, 'is it BOTHERING you? i can stop. if you want to talk, let's just talk.'
i don't know. he wanted to get off on the right foot, i suppose. by being a douche from the start.
so i'm sitting on the phone, eating as quietly as i can. and i ask him what he wanted to talk about.
and he didn't say anything.
so i'm eating more.
nothing.
i finally said, 'you wanted to talk. what do you want to talk about?'
is he just trying to tie up my time? it wasn't making any sense.
so he wanted to talk about the house. fine. whatever. he wants me to explain how he can buy me out. or what other options might be. so i did. and he came to the same conclusion i did. none of those options work.
he had already told me by this conversation that he had roommates lined up. twice on thursday and again in that conversation.
so i was pretty confused about why he posted something about needing roommates online. because if he had roommates who were ready to pay first and last rent, why the hell would he need to publicize it? i asked him. he said there were two reasons. one was, a backup plan. two was, to see if he could get more money from someone else than the people who are moving in.
i don't know. it was after a long day of cleaning up after him, as far as bills are related. i split our cell phone family plan, starting taking him off of my accounts, and putting things in his name. i told him to handle his half. when i called the next day to check on mine, he still hadn't handled his.
so i did it for him.
i know i shouldn't have. but whatever.
he was stoned, as per the usual. and he just kept sitting on the phone not saying anything, asking me if i had anything to say. finally i told him that i was going to go, because i don't have anything to say to him.
so i did.
i started edward scissorhands, and worked on the novel.
and the next day, cried my eyes out to the second half of the movie (winona says 'hold me' and johnny says 'i can't' - fucking LOST it... and winona says 'i love you' and johnny's face lights up... gawd).
and worked on the novel.
made so much progress. it was great.
ok. so. back to yesterday.
so i go to the house straight from work, because that was the plan. and he and the intern weren't there. so i text him and say that i'm there and that i don't have a lot of time, because i had so much of my coffee work to do.
and he says, just leave then.
fucking BABY.
so i say, no. that wasn't the plan. how long until you are back?
so he says 30 minutes. so i wait.
and he walks in 30 minutes later.
and i don't remember how. but he starts talking shit.
in front of the intern. saying how i'm getting shitfaced all the time, and posting pictures of it on facebook.
just completely berating me in front of the intern. embarrassing.
and i stopped him.
i said that i've only been shitfaced once since i was 21. and that there weren't pics of it (not ENTIRELY true. december, anyone? most of those pics didn't get posted though)
he kept going on and on about who i am now, and that all i do is get shitfaced.
it was really unfair. and as soon as the intern left the room, i laid him out.
'i am NOT here for you to belittle in front of her. i am here to help you. and if you can't stop being a DICKHEAD, then i'm going to leave. and i'm not going to help you. the new and improved you sucks. and i don't have to sit here and take this. pull yourself together and treat me with respect.'
and he made a bunch of faces and whatever.
'and you are putting the intern in an awkward position by doing this in front of her. she probably wouldn't tell you. but this is between you and me. and not anyone else. so quit.'
and blank stares.
i just kept sorting through tax stuff and helping the intern with her work, which is what i was there to do.
so she finished her work, and i looked it over. and grabbed my bag to leave. by that point, i was really highly pissed. and i just wanted to leave.
and he asked if i'd come up for a cigarette before i left. i just looked at him like 'you can't be serious'.
but this is how he makes amends.
i don't know. he had this story about people sending him pictures of me drinking. or being what he called shitfaced.
and the one day in particular was this beer sampling day at a bar here. and i did get tipsy. it was the first time i remember drinking that early in the day (maybe 1 or 2 pm?). but i went home to hang with him after that. and obviously he didn't think i was shitfaced then, because he would've said something.
so that didn't make any sense. not to mention that he was saying 'they' sent him pictures and said 'look what she has become. you're better off.' or 'this is who she really is. you're not missing out.' something like that.
i don't know. i was getting so angry, because he wouldn't tell me who did it.
and i just kept telling him, 'if someone you thought was your friend was being a tool and talking shit about you behind your back, i'd tell you. at least, if nothing else, so you would know to watch what you say to that person. and i don't understand why you won't tell me.'
and all he could say was that he didn't need to say because it wouldn't happen again. he put an end to it, and told 'them' that 'they' shouldn't send him things like that anymore. because we're trying to work things out and it isn't helpful.
i'm just like, 'who is it? i want to not be their friend on fb anymore. i don't want them to have access. i don't need that drama in my life. i don't want to think that someone respects me who doesn't. i won't say anything.'
he kept telling me to stop yelling at him. my voice was raised, because i was fuming. but i wasn't yelling at him.
anyways, long story short. i left after a smoke without saying goodbye. and then the texting started. he was telling me that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.
and i'm with kit. and it's not making sense. in explaining to her the earlier conversation, and then his texts, it just didn't gel.
and as i wrote him back a line, it fucking hit me.
over the head. like an iron skillet.
he was saying that two people that i love dearly, who i most worried about losing over this, were fine. and i said everyone else can fuck off if they're going to be so high school. drama and all. and that i was blocking all of them. and that i don't have the time or energy for any of the bullshit. and that i don't understand why he won't tell me who it is.
and he said that i'm being hypersensitive and that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.
which wasn't making sense, because he'd already given me three examples of 'people' talking about me to him.
and as i was typing back, FRYING PAN OVER THE HEAD.
i was saying that i just couldn't figure out who would do that, and that i outgrew gossip in college. and that he cares more about not telling me who it is, that about its effect on me.
oh. my. god.
this is the exact same thing as the night of the 'i have to talk to you' conversation about having roommates that he can't tell me who they are, but that i have to be out of the house in two weeks.
same fucking thing. top to bottom.
he just went fishing and spying.
and he just flipped out.
and he just wanted me to think it was about other people. but it isn't. it's just him.
and that's why it's 'all in my head'. because he fucking put it there. and none of those people are doing anything to me.
'they' and 'them' is really he and him.
and i called him on it, and turned off my phone.
FUCK HIM. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him.
i said, 'wow. this is an awful lot like those imaginary roommates you had, that you couldn't tell me who they were. pretty fucking familiar.'
and what did he do?
changed the subject.
wanted to know if i had a prescription to pick up at rite aid.
FUCKING TWO YEAR OLD.
kid with his hand in the cookie jar. 'mommy, LOOK!'
she might look the first time. but she caught you anyways.
and she won't fall for it again.
and that is me.
and i'm STILL angry about it.
it took me five hours to figure it out.
not bad, for a learning curve.
thing is, i can't help but to feel completely unsettled. because if he is doing this so much right now, and i'm just now catching him in lies and calling him on it, how long has he been playing me this way?
ugh.
i do NOT want to know.
and i'm just not sad.
i'm happy. i am relieved.
and the weather broke. and it is impossible not to be in love with spring.
i feel in some ways like i have nothing to do. and yet i've been too busy to write.
scratch that. rewind. i've been too busy to write this.
i've been incredibly focused on the novel. it's so nearly complete, it's kinda bothering me to write this instead of finishing it.
i did the final edit, start to finish. and now all that are left are the entries for each of the characters' dreams. they're all really short, and i have more than half of them written. i just have to type them in and edit before i send 1st drafts out to my closest friends for input/edits.
it's so exciting. i just want to finish, because there are so many things in this life that i start and do not finish. and this is not going to be one of them. i've been saying for a month that it is almost done, almost done. and it's true, but i just couldn't spend the time on it. until this past weekend. when i really did nearly finish the thing.
the story is done. just these stupid journal entries... in any case. it is my plan to send it out THIS VERY EVENING!! nate is demanding to be the first, since he inspired me initially, and he lets me edit his novels.
and then the rest will follow.
thanks in advance. (i think all of my editors are the only people who read this blog.) and... heads up!
yesterday was a crazy day for me. totally emotionally draining. i vented to poor kit, who joined in the fury and the bitchfest i'd started all on my own.
of course, it was because i had to go to the house and deal with ever. and there were shenanigans. fucker.
first, i must back up to get into it. you know, set the stage.
from the outset of our splitting, i had agreed to help him one day a week with the business. mondays.
he pissed me off initially because he called this weekend. he wanted to talk about some things, after flaking on plans to spend a bit of time at the house with him.
which, whatever. i had fun with alice and was better off not going to that dirty, sad house. he was switching his anti-anxiety meds and had asked that i come over, because he was worried about how he was going to do with the switch.
i felt bad for him, and worried for him, so i agreed to. then he canceled on me. and wanted to talk to me that day on the phone instead.
i went by to pick up some cash he 'owed' me, and a computer cable.
he wanted to make sure that we could talk later. (maybe three times he asked me?)
yes. yes. yes. i'll call you later.
so i hung with alice during the afternoon/early evening. and then was doing stuff online. and i got hungry. so i made a pizza and decided to call him then. it was 1030.
and one of the first things he says is 'are you eating?? i'll just talk to you later.'
i asked, 'is it BOTHERING you? i can stop. if you want to talk, let's just talk.'
i don't know. he wanted to get off on the right foot, i suppose. by being a douche from the start.
so i'm sitting on the phone, eating as quietly as i can. and i ask him what he wanted to talk about.
and he didn't say anything.
so i'm eating more.
nothing.
i finally said, 'you wanted to talk. what do you want to talk about?'
is he just trying to tie up my time? it wasn't making any sense.
so he wanted to talk about the house. fine. whatever. he wants me to explain how he can buy me out. or what other options might be. so i did. and he came to the same conclusion i did. none of those options work.
he had already told me by this conversation that he had roommates lined up. twice on thursday and again in that conversation.
so i was pretty confused about why he posted something about needing roommates online. because if he had roommates who were ready to pay first and last rent, why the hell would he need to publicize it? i asked him. he said there were two reasons. one was, a backup plan. two was, to see if he could get more money from someone else than the people who are moving in.
i don't know. it was after a long day of cleaning up after him, as far as bills are related. i split our cell phone family plan, starting taking him off of my accounts, and putting things in his name. i told him to handle his half. when i called the next day to check on mine, he still hadn't handled his.
so i did it for him.
i know i shouldn't have. but whatever.
he was stoned, as per the usual. and he just kept sitting on the phone not saying anything, asking me if i had anything to say. finally i told him that i was going to go, because i don't have anything to say to him.
so i did.
i started edward scissorhands, and worked on the novel.
and the next day, cried my eyes out to the second half of the movie (winona says 'hold me' and johnny says 'i can't' - fucking LOST it... and winona says 'i love you' and johnny's face lights up... gawd).
and worked on the novel.
made so much progress. it was great.
ok. so. back to yesterday.
so i go to the house straight from work, because that was the plan. and he and the intern weren't there. so i text him and say that i'm there and that i don't have a lot of time, because i had so much of my coffee work to do.
and he says, just leave then.
fucking BABY.
so i say, no. that wasn't the plan. how long until you are back?
so he says 30 minutes. so i wait.
and he walks in 30 minutes later.
and i don't remember how. but he starts talking shit.
in front of the intern. saying how i'm getting shitfaced all the time, and posting pictures of it on facebook.
just completely berating me in front of the intern. embarrassing.
and i stopped him.
i said that i've only been shitfaced once since i was 21. and that there weren't pics of it (not ENTIRELY true. december, anyone? most of those pics didn't get posted though)
he kept going on and on about who i am now, and that all i do is get shitfaced.
it was really unfair. and as soon as the intern left the room, i laid him out.
'i am NOT here for you to belittle in front of her. i am here to help you. and if you can't stop being a DICKHEAD, then i'm going to leave. and i'm not going to help you. the new and improved you sucks. and i don't have to sit here and take this. pull yourself together and treat me with respect.'
and he made a bunch of faces and whatever.
'and you are putting the intern in an awkward position by doing this in front of her. she probably wouldn't tell you. but this is between you and me. and not anyone else. so quit.'
and blank stares.
i just kept sorting through tax stuff and helping the intern with her work, which is what i was there to do.
so she finished her work, and i looked it over. and grabbed my bag to leave. by that point, i was really highly pissed. and i just wanted to leave.
and he asked if i'd come up for a cigarette before i left. i just looked at him like 'you can't be serious'.
but this is how he makes amends.
i don't know. he had this story about people sending him pictures of me drinking. or being what he called shitfaced.
and the one day in particular was this beer sampling day at a bar here. and i did get tipsy. it was the first time i remember drinking that early in the day (maybe 1 or 2 pm?). but i went home to hang with him after that. and obviously he didn't think i was shitfaced then, because he would've said something.
so that didn't make any sense. not to mention that he was saying 'they' sent him pictures and said 'look what she has become. you're better off.' or 'this is who she really is. you're not missing out.' something like that.
i don't know. i was getting so angry, because he wouldn't tell me who did it.
and i just kept telling him, 'if someone you thought was your friend was being a tool and talking shit about you behind your back, i'd tell you. at least, if nothing else, so you would know to watch what you say to that person. and i don't understand why you won't tell me.'
and all he could say was that he didn't need to say because it wouldn't happen again. he put an end to it, and told 'them' that 'they' shouldn't send him things like that anymore. because we're trying to work things out and it isn't helpful.
i'm just like, 'who is it? i want to not be their friend on fb anymore. i don't want them to have access. i don't need that drama in my life. i don't want to think that someone respects me who doesn't. i won't say anything.'
he kept telling me to stop yelling at him. my voice was raised, because i was fuming. but i wasn't yelling at him.
anyways, long story short. i left after a smoke without saying goodbye. and then the texting started. he was telling me that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.
and i'm with kit. and it's not making sense. in explaining to her the earlier conversation, and then his texts, it just didn't gel.
and as i wrote him back a line, it fucking hit me.
over the head. like an iron skillet.
he was saying that two people that i love dearly, who i most worried about losing over this, were fine. and i said everyone else can fuck off if they're going to be so high school. drama and all. and that i was blocking all of them. and that i don't have the time or energy for any of the bullshit. and that i don't understand why he won't tell me who it is.
and he said that i'm being hypersensitive and that no one hates me. and that it's all in my head.
which wasn't making sense, because he'd already given me three examples of 'people' talking about me to him.
and as i was typing back, FRYING PAN OVER THE HEAD.
i was saying that i just couldn't figure out who would do that, and that i outgrew gossip in college. and that he cares more about not telling me who it is, that about its effect on me.
oh. my. god.
this is the exact same thing as the night of the 'i have to talk to you' conversation about having roommates that he can't tell me who they are, but that i have to be out of the house in two weeks.
same fucking thing. top to bottom.
he just went fishing and spying.
and he just flipped out.
and he just wanted me to think it was about other people. but it isn't. it's just him.
and that's why it's 'all in my head'. because he fucking put it there. and none of those people are doing anything to me.
'they' and 'them' is really he and him.
and i called him on it, and turned off my phone.
FUCK HIM. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him.
i said, 'wow. this is an awful lot like those imaginary roommates you had, that you couldn't tell me who they were. pretty fucking familiar.'
and what did he do?
changed the subject.
wanted to know if i had a prescription to pick up at rite aid.
FUCKING TWO YEAR OLD.
kid with his hand in the cookie jar. 'mommy, LOOK!'
she might look the first time. but she caught you anyways.
and she won't fall for it again.
and that is me.
and i'm STILL angry about it.
it took me five hours to figure it out.
not bad, for a learning curve.
thing is, i can't help but to feel completely unsettled. because if he is doing this so much right now, and i'm just now catching him in lies and calling him on it, how long has he been playing me this way?
ugh.
i do NOT want to know.
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