all the hallmark holidays have always bothered me.
i do like mother's day, though. i feel like moms are underappreciated, and that they have every right to their own special day.
my sister and i were running around this morning, hauling luggage around before our mother's day lunch.
when we got back to pick up mom and dad, we ended up just laying around and talking for a while. we grabbed yellow roses from a guy in the middle of the road.
and i thought, how brilliant to capitalize on people's forgetfulness.
i mean, my mom would have been empty handed if he hadn't been in that intersection.
when we walked in and gave her the flowers, she had something behind her back.
she got us both cards, and got us both a present. matching presents.
talk about feeling like a shit daughter!
on mother's day, mom got us presents. usually aubree knows just what to get. for father's day too. and i just give her money to go in on a nice present.
but this year, because they were here, we didn't do anything.
except spend time with her, which is what she says she wants.
anyways, so we opened our little jewelry boxes. and there was a little diamond necklace inside. it's really quite pretty.
they only had two, so mom didn't even have one to match.
and i opened the card and read the card itself, and started to cry, so i left the room when i saw that she had written a letter to me inside.
it was beautiful. the most real thing my mom has ever written to me. i had to stop a couple of times because i couldn't read the words through my tears.
she wrote about how strong i am. and how things are hard right now, but that they won't always be.
i don't know. i want to re-read it. it was really just amazing. my sister wouldn't even read hers because she didn't want to cry, and knew that she would.
we had family lunch, which was nice. and then i took aubree to the airport. and somehow, i didn't break down.
i think because we were talking about my trip home, so it didn't feel like saying goodbye for long. she'd forgotten that i was coming home so soon.
and then it was just me and the parents. and i had some returns to deal with, so we went out shopping. again.
and handled everything.
kit met up with us at ikea, which was a nice break in my day, i'm sure it did her some good, too.
and then my parents came back and helped me with the apartment. mom cleaned things i hadn't gotten to yet. finished unpacking the kitchen and putting things away for me.
dad hung all of my curtain rods and curtains.
once they leave tomorrow, i'll be able to really get everything in its place and cleaned up and have my fresh start.
i feel so much better than i did a week ago. and despite the stress of them being here, i really have calmed myself down as far as the divorce stuff goes.
i think that knowing i'm going to get back to work is helping right now, and knowing that i will really have a fresh start here, and that the work of moving is done and over with.
i also feel myself slipping out of manic mode again. and i'm sure that once things are quiet again, and that i am alone again, i will fall into my more depressive state. talking to ever either tomorrow or thursday will affect that, too.
but i slept well, last night.
i had amazing dreams.
i was dreaming that i was watching the leonid shower. it was the best one that had ever been seen. or was forecast to be.
so no one was working. everyone was watching.
i don't know where the dream was taking place. i think it was back home. but kit was there.
and there was this whole thing where i knew coffee was watching, but somehow wasn't slated to watch with him, but ended up where he was.
and just staring at the sky and watching this craziness right above us. unlike anything i'd ever seen. the way that it looked was more like comets sailing around, but at very close proximity. and the sky was just freaking out.
and just like the way that you can see a point of origin in a good shower, this had super concentrated sectors of the sky that the meteors were spraying out of and across.
because of avatar, i knew i'd have crazy dreams. and had a clue that they would involve the sky. honestly, i thought that i'd have an end of the world nightmare, because of how the sky looked in the movie. it is the way i see the sky in dreams sometimes.
in any case, the dream was nice. and intense. and it was just this completely different life that i was living.i think my friend ashley was there, too.
it felt good to dream about the sky in a positive way. it was very exciting.
and i've been thinking alot about dark sky park in august, which is also probably where this is coming from as well.
that trip is going to be so life-altering for me. i cannot wait to go. i cannot wait to see how i feel on the other side of it.
after the post-family bender i intend to go on, starting tomorrow, i think that i will be able to think more about myself. think more about my life and my future. think more about how i'm going to accomplish things.
think more about my new five year plan. think about what i want to do with my life.
i have so many plans that relate to travel. i intend to take at least five vacations.
first, kit's birthday trip our favorite brewery.
then home in june/july.
then to dark sky park.
then to grandma's in august.
then the west coast trip in maybe october. maybe november. i don't know when. i have to try to coordinate with at least four people on that side of the country, so it depends on that, i guess. i really want to go, but don't know how i'm going to squeeze that in.
then i want to go home for christmas. for the first time in seven years. i love christmas at home.
at some point, i want to go to canada. i don't know if i should work that into the west coast trip or do it on this side of the country.
it's like having one vacation for every year that i was married and never went anywhere.
next summer, i have a double vacation i want to take.
one is to visit a friend in berlin, with my sister.
the other is to go to iceland.
or i could scrap both of those in exchange for my dream vacation to paris.
i just don't know. until i get a passport, the point is moot.
but all i'm thinking is that i won't have the extra money to pay off the credit card, because i'm going to be docking my pay to go and see and do everything i want to do.
but in any case... that was nice.
i like thinking about things in an illogical, fantastical way. daydreaming at night.
it's the perfect way to attempt to fall asleep.
i've missed traveling. i've missed seeing far away friends. i can't wait to go back to the west coast. i can't believe it's been seven years.
this new life, with new priorities, is going to be a good thing.
i think i'll define it as a success when i go away and come back, and like the life i come back to as much as the one far from home, because i do not like the sense of dread i've had, returning to my life the last few times i flew home.
i hope that ditching ever will help with the lack of that feeling.
i always felt so tied down. and now i feel like i am free to decide what to do. i don't have to consider anyone else's wants and needs when i think about packing a bag and taking off.
it's time for sleep. the sea dog is almost gone, and now i've been awake so long i'm hungry again...
dust storm. may 8th.
nina says i need to remember the name of the blog. and get some sleep.
i guess the thing is that it's not that i want to be awake.
and if i changed the name for my life right now it would be
not enough coffee. write too much. no sleep. repeat.
and if i made it reflect the four priorities dominating my life right now, it would be called
insomnia. stress. worry. think.
it doesn't have the same ring to it...
in any case...
today was crazy. again.
from where i left off last night. i got two vanfuls of disappointed girls lost, after the bakery fiasco.
told them to get on the wrong interstate and they ended up in the northern part of the city.
eventually made it back safely.
woke up today to mom and dad making breakfast in my kitchen.
my mom is the best. but she works too much. she will never take a proper vacation. she's been doing dishes since she got here. cooking in my foreign kitchen. i haven't even done that yet.
we got ready to go to the race, even though none of my sister's team was even in it.
we walked to kit's garage sale so she could get a mom hug and meet them, and so they could meet her.
it was cute, i tried to pull them away before my dad launched into one of his tangents.
it was windy. actually, that is an understatement. can it be blustery if it isn't cold? i should look it up, i suppose.
the wind was so bad that they cancelled the race.
because it is in a place that has both paved and dirt paths, there were dust storms. we were blanketed in dust every time the wind kicked up.
it was pretty. it coated everything in a silvery glitter. but also, grey dirt.
my face was dirty. my arms and legs were dirty. tonight when we each showered, grey water ran down the drain. it was insane, really. the wind was gusting to 55 miles per hour. people were holding down tents to keep them from flying away.
because my sister is in charge of the rental vans for the entire team, we went on this adventure to find a branch of my bank that was open on a saturday.
the only one i thought would be open wasn't. of course it was a 30 minute drive from the race course.
we are all pulling out all of this cash to pay for her rentals, because her bank isn't open and she didn't think of it yesterday when it was.
so we get as much cash as i could pull out. mom did the same.
aubree will do the same.
huge pain. but not really her fault.
anyway, so we went all the way back because the race was cancelled and got into my car with only mom and dad in tow.
went from there to the store my dad wanted to go to. again, with the 30 minute drives.
and he's telling me how to drive the entire time.
i'd really reached my breaking point. i like going for long drives with someone who trusts that i am both a good and a safe driver. who trusts that i know the streets where i live better than they do.
and he was relentless.
so i pulled over. and told him to drive.
i didn't have it in me to take any more.
and because i am my father's daughter, i got the silent treatment for the rest of that drive, and then some.
i cracked a few jokes at the hardware store so he would snap back. and he did.
i just told him, politely, that i was tired of driving. and it was stressing me out more than i already am. that i needed him to be in control and to drive.
and i'm sure it made him mad. but it also eliminated the problem, because then i could relax and let him drive the way he wanted me to.
it was actually liberating. i am glad i did it.
and then he drove the rest of the day.
so we came back to the grocery store, because i hadn't gone since i moved. and they tried to pay for my groceries but i didn't let them.
because i am an adult. and i can handle it.
in the middle of all of this, there were discussions about seeing ever.
my sister wanted to. my parents wanted to.
he texted my sister. and then my mom.
we were waiting until we knew what my sister did, so we could include her in the visit.
and it was on my mind all day.
i don't want to see him. i don't want my family to see him.
i don't know how to act. any way you look at it, it would be awkward.
but they love him. and i understand. i used to think that i loved him, too.
but the last two weeks have sucked that emotion right out of me.
they don't know about the roommate. they don't know about the dating site. because i don't want to hear it.
because i don't want to explain it.
so we were going to meet up tonight. and aubree couldn't. when mom asked him what time tomorrow, he said he's tied up tomorrow and monday, and that he can't.
so it's a win for me. because i don't have to see him.
but it also makes me think he's just saying that so he doesn't have to see them.
and like the tootsie roll tootsie pop, the world may never know.
we came home tonight. ate leftovers and watched avatar.
i knew going into it that it was a predictable recycled story. but they wanted to see it.
i liked parts of it. i liked the linking up of person to nature. i loved the things which looked like jellyfish. i liked the roots that transferred consciousness.
then i called nate. it had been too long. i'd been feeling like shitty friend.
i tend to seclude myself when i get in a rut, in order to not drag other people down. and i do it with him more than with anyone else, because he tends to feed off my energy more than anyone else.
only today, kit gave him a run for the money.
i've been transferring stress to her for the last chunk of a while. and when i escaped my parents after all that driving, i walked over to have a smoke with her and pick up my tv from my-your apartment.
i vented, she vented.
but she was talking and looking like me. stress. panic. all of it.
and i wish it was as easy for me to tell myself the things i told her.
i reminded her of all of the good things in her life that are coming from her move.
and that she should embrace being alone, because it is a good thing.
and that it create days that are lonely, but they are fleeting. and that it's better than what she was dealing with when she wasn't alone.
i tried to get to the bottom of what was stressing her out, but felt bad that i left a little prematurely, so my parents wouldn't feel like i abandoned part of my limited time with them.
there is both a tension and a release that comes from this time with my family.
my father and i used to really not get along. as an adult, i know how to make it work, but still am affected by him. mom is the peacemaker and the rock. she knows what i need, on an emotional level.
i was leaning on her when we were watching the movie. and she was rubbing my arm. it made me choke up for a second.
so outside of the car, we're fine. my dad is loud and outspoken all of the time. and sometimes it cracks me up, and sometimes it embarrasses me.
and it always shows me what i will be if i don't keep myself in check.
just like his mom, mean grandma.
it is technically mother's day.
i am so grateful for my mother.
even though i feel like we always break each other's hearts. it's in a tender way, not a hateful way.
this is where i came from. i am parts of both of them. i am the caretaker. i am stubborn. i am a baker. i am hardheaded.
growing up, i was just my dad. i'm glad that as an adult, i have taken on some of my mom as well.
balance is important.
i'm going to be asleep before three tonight. i am so excited!
the end of a blue moon will carry me to sleep. and sigur. and the fan blowing across the air mattress.
tomorrow i say goodbye to aubree. i'm not looking forward to it. i lose it every time.
no matter how frustrated i got this trip, because i selfishly wanted her to myself, despite the fact that she's here with her team. and that they are taking away from time i could spend with her.
sometimes i wish she would live with me. we just crack each other up, and there's no time to be sad when she's around.
but she's going back to school for the summer, and flies out tomorrow to then drive back to school two hours from home. and then to school on monday.
i will be home soon.
the end of the month.
it reminds me to think of my game plan with coffee. and brownies. and nina. and kit.
it's going to be so much fun. it's going to be so relaxing. it's going to be a long vacation.
and i'm already ready.
despite being ready to have my place to myself.
it's just different when i'm home.
and my mind wanders...
i hope i get what i want. i hope everything pans out.
i hope that i can put to rest things that have been awake and alive inside of me since i was nineteen. for once. and for all.
i hope i can arrange a little reunion again, with the people we missed the first time.
i hope i can make amends with brownies. and that we can talk about what came between us and how it made us feel.
i hope that kit likes my hometown.
i hope that i get quality nina time.
i hope that my family doesn't get upset when i spend time running around with friends as well as with them.
i hope that i have filed for divorce by that point in time.
the countdown to my longest vacation begins...
i guess the thing is that it's not that i want to be awake.
and if i changed the name for my life right now it would be
not enough coffee. write too much. no sleep. repeat.
and if i made it reflect the four priorities dominating my life right now, it would be called
insomnia. stress. worry. think.
it doesn't have the same ring to it...
in any case...
today was crazy. again.
from where i left off last night. i got two vanfuls of disappointed girls lost, after the bakery fiasco.
told them to get on the wrong interstate and they ended up in the northern part of the city.
eventually made it back safely.
woke up today to mom and dad making breakfast in my kitchen.
my mom is the best. but she works too much. she will never take a proper vacation. she's been doing dishes since she got here. cooking in my foreign kitchen. i haven't even done that yet.
we got ready to go to the race, even though none of my sister's team was even in it.
we walked to kit's garage sale so she could get a mom hug and meet them, and so they could meet her.
it was cute, i tried to pull them away before my dad launched into one of his tangents.
it was windy. actually, that is an understatement. can it be blustery if it isn't cold? i should look it up, i suppose.
the wind was so bad that they cancelled the race.
because it is in a place that has both paved and dirt paths, there were dust storms. we were blanketed in dust every time the wind kicked up.
it was pretty. it coated everything in a silvery glitter. but also, grey dirt.
my face was dirty. my arms and legs were dirty. tonight when we each showered, grey water ran down the drain. it was insane, really. the wind was gusting to 55 miles per hour. people were holding down tents to keep them from flying away.
because my sister is in charge of the rental vans for the entire team, we went on this adventure to find a branch of my bank that was open on a saturday.
the only one i thought would be open wasn't. of course it was a 30 minute drive from the race course.
we are all pulling out all of this cash to pay for her rentals, because her bank isn't open and she didn't think of it yesterday when it was.
so we get as much cash as i could pull out. mom did the same.
aubree will do the same.
huge pain. but not really her fault.
anyway, so we went all the way back because the race was cancelled and got into my car with only mom and dad in tow.
went from there to the store my dad wanted to go to. again, with the 30 minute drives.
and he's telling me how to drive the entire time.
i'd really reached my breaking point. i like going for long drives with someone who trusts that i am both a good and a safe driver. who trusts that i know the streets where i live better than they do.
and he was relentless.
so i pulled over. and told him to drive.
i didn't have it in me to take any more.
and because i am my father's daughter, i got the silent treatment for the rest of that drive, and then some.
i cracked a few jokes at the hardware store so he would snap back. and he did.
i just told him, politely, that i was tired of driving. and it was stressing me out more than i already am. that i needed him to be in control and to drive.
and i'm sure it made him mad. but it also eliminated the problem, because then i could relax and let him drive the way he wanted me to.
it was actually liberating. i am glad i did it.
and then he drove the rest of the day.
so we came back to the grocery store, because i hadn't gone since i moved. and they tried to pay for my groceries but i didn't let them.
because i am an adult. and i can handle it.
in the middle of all of this, there were discussions about seeing ever.
my sister wanted to. my parents wanted to.
he texted my sister. and then my mom.
we were waiting until we knew what my sister did, so we could include her in the visit.
and it was on my mind all day.
i don't want to see him. i don't want my family to see him.
i don't know how to act. any way you look at it, it would be awkward.
but they love him. and i understand. i used to think that i loved him, too.
but the last two weeks have sucked that emotion right out of me.
they don't know about the roommate. they don't know about the dating site. because i don't want to hear it.
because i don't want to explain it.
so we were going to meet up tonight. and aubree couldn't. when mom asked him what time tomorrow, he said he's tied up tomorrow and monday, and that he can't.
so it's a win for me. because i don't have to see him.
but it also makes me think he's just saying that so he doesn't have to see them.
and like the tootsie roll tootsie pop, the world may never know.
we came home tonight. ate leftovers and watched avatar.
i knew going into it that it was a predictable recycled story. but they wanted to see it.
i liked parts of it. i liked the linking up of person to nature. i loved the things which looked like jellyfish. i liked the roots that transferred consciousness.
then i called nate. it had been too long. i'd been feeling like shitty friend.
i tend to seclude myself when i get in a rut, in order to not drag other people down. and i do it with him more than with anyone else, because he tends to feed off my energy more than anyone else.
only today, kit gave him a run for the money.
i've been transferring stress to her for the last chunk of a while. and when i escaped my parents after all that driving, i walked over to have a smoke with her and pick up my tv from my-your apartment.
i vented, she vented.
but she was talking and looking like me. stress. panic. all of it.
and i wish it was as easy for me to tell myself the things i told her.
i reminded her of all of the good things in her life that are coming from her move.
and that she should embrace being alone, because it is a good thing.
and that it create days that are lonely, but they are fleeting. and that it's better than what she was dealing with when she wasn't alone.
i tried to get to the bottom of what was stressing her out, but felt bad that i left a little prematurely, so my parents wouldn't feel like i abandoned part of my limited time with them.
there is both a tension and a release that comes from this time with my family.
my father and i used to really not get along. as an adult, i know how to make it work, but still am affected by him. mom is the peacemaker and the rock. she knows what i need, on an emotional level.
i was leaning on her when we were watching the movie. and she was rubbing my arm. it made me choke up for a second.
so outside of the car, we're fine. my dad is loud and outspoken all of the time. and sometimes it cracks me up, and sometimes it embarrasses me.
and it always shows me what i will be if i don't keep myself in check.
just like his mom, mean grandma.
it is technically mother's day.
i am so grateful for my mother.
even though i feel like we always break each other's hearts. it's in a tender way, not a hateful way.
this is where i came from. i am parts of both of them. i am the caretaker. i am stubborn. i am a baker. i am hardheaded.
growing up, i was just my dad. i'm glad that as an adult, i have taken on some of my mom as well.
balance is important.
i'm going to be asleep before three tonight. i am so excited!
the end of a blue moon will carry me to sleep. and sigur. and the fan blowing across the air mattress.
tomorrow i say goodbye to aubree. i'm not looking forward to it. i lose it every time.
no matter how frustrated i got this trip, because i selfishly wanted her to myself, despite the fact that she's here with her team. and that they are taking away from time i could spend with her.
sometimes i wish she would live with me. we just crack each other up, and there's no time to be sad when she's around.
but she's going back to school for the summer, and flies out tomorrow to then drive back to school two hours from home. and then to school on monday.
i will be home soon.
the end of the month.
it reminds me to think of my game plan with coffee. and brownies. and nina. and kit.
it's going to be so much fun. it's going to be so relaxing. it's going to be a long vacation.
and i'm already ready.
despite being ready to have my place to myself.
it's just different when i'm home.
and my mind wanders...
i hope i get what i want. i hope everything pans out.
i hope that i can put to rest things that have been awake and alive inside of me since i was nineteen. for once. and for all.
i hope i can arrange a little reunion again, with the people we missed the first time.
i hope i can make amends with brownies. and that we can talk about what came between us and how it made us feel.
i hope that kit likes my hometown.
i hope that i get quality nina time.
i hope that my family doesn't get upset when i spend time running around with friends as well as with them.
i hope that i have filed for divorce by that point in time.
the countdown to my longest vacation begins...
par for the course. technically may 8th.
just me and a blue moon. almost two am.
tonight i learned the difference between what is known as friday night and what is known as saturday morning.
the bakery was closed. they changed the hours. and friday midnight is not the same thing as saturday midnight.
and my sister's team came from the far flung suburbs just to go to this bakery.
and made it after an interstate exit adventure.
only to find out that it was closed.
heartbroken.
before that, i did redeem myself as the cool local, taking them to my favorite indian buffet. all sixteen of us in one party.
and that was a hit. but then they took a wrong turn when i tried to let the taxi who wedged himself between our caravan pass.
and then i had to go in search of them, trying to lead them to the interstate.
it sucked. what should have been a straight shot became a wild goose chase, because they kept moving. and i kept telling them through my dad on the phone that they just needed to park and stay put and that i'd come to them. and they kept moving. and moving.
i love my parents. so much.
but my father is the most annoying passenger side driver in the world. he has something to say about my driving and the roads and the cars and the drivers. all the things that make him so angry and all of the ridiculous things people do the their cars that he'd like to shove up their asses. racist comments about this group's driving and that group's cars.
telling me when to brake.
i was in the car, driving them around for the majority of the day today. and he is relentless. and i think he's starting to lose his hearing in one ear, because he's saying 'huh?' a lot. and talking really loudly.
of all the things my father says, i have two favorite phrases. and if he'd mixed them in today, it would have helped. but he didn't use either.
one is, 'aww...horseshit.' (pronounced 'horse sheeit') and the other is, 'that really burns my ass' which is sometimes slightly modified as, 'that really chaps my ass'.
everything made him angry. nothing chapped his ass.
everything i did was wrong. and i could have gotten over, i could have parked closer to the curb, i could have ignored the parking attendant and parked so we didn't have to walk so far. mom was cold all day, so we rode around in the stuffy car with the windows up. it was SEVENTY.
all of this comes from a place of a spotty three hour nap. i would say that i didn't sleep at all last night, but i woke up when the alarm went off, so i must have fallen asleep at some point.
it was really rough.
also, i smoke when i drive. a lot. and my parents loathe smoking, i don't do it around them at all. and mom is asthmatic, so i never smoke in the car when they're around.
and being in the car all day, stuck in traffic was a recipe for disaster without smokes.
we were in the sun all day. it was nice, i wanted to get a little sunburn.
i wore this shirt i bought maybe four years ago, but never wore. i couldn't fit into it when i bought it. i was at my heaviest, and couldn't get it on over my head.
it's made out of a pillowcase. which sounds rediculous, but it's a spectacular shirt. and it is seventies cotton weighty goodness.
really really nice. ruffly trim and thick criss cross straps with an open back.
so i now have funny shaped sunburn patches. some triangles. trapezoids. and a pink nose.
mom told me a funny story today, from my terrible twos. she kept telling me to put on sunblock. and i kept telling her i don't believe in sunblock, that i wanted a little sun.
but once i got a little burned, i didn't want any more sun, and we were sitting out in the open, watching my sister's race.
and she said that i was stubborn from birth. and that i made her read a book called 'the strong willed child' when i was still an only child, before i was three.
and she would tell me to pick something up.
and i would say no.
and she would tell me again, 'pick it up'.
and i would refuse. and ball my tiny hands into fists. so that i could physically not pick up the thing she wanted me to.
and she would take my balled fists by the wrists, and use them to pick the something up.
and i was cracking up about it, i'd never heard that story before.
and i thanked my father. because that is his gene pool working its magic.
and when i was sunburnt and getting cranky from lack of sleep, mom kept telling me to put on the sunblock.
and i refused.
and without a word, she took my hands and pushed them towards the bottle of sunblock.
so today wasn't all bad. that made me laugh. because at first, i was like, 'what is she DOING?' and then i realized she was trying to make me pick up the sunblock.
but the rest of the day was one snag after another.
everything we were doing with aubree and her team was on the opposite side of the city from where i live.
we were on our way to dinner when aubree called and said that she wanted to have dinner with us. so we went to go get her.
and got pulled into the sixteen person dinner outing.
followed by the bakery disaster.
nothing was easy today. not a thing.
everything had its issues.
tomorrow is mother's day. we don't know what we're doing for mom yet. but we'll do something.
and supposedly, my brother is getting engaged this weekend. he's asking her, anyways.
and i don't want him to.
not because it's not right.
but because i don't want him to end up like me.
because aubree's team didn't qualify today, it means that tomorrow will be relatively simple. instead of watching a day full of races, there is only one to watch and it's early.
so we should have a pretty easy day tomorrow. except that it will start early.
all i want is to sleep.
all day would be nice.
but i cannot waste my short time with my family in bed alone.
at least tonight i made the air mattress. last night was a disaster.
i tried to cram myself onto the tiny couch. and there was no way. so i took the cushions off and moved to the floor. and fought to stay on them, like a life raft at sea all night, sleeplessly. fitfully.
i feel how i felt the night of going out with nate. i feel how i felt the next day. because that day i was up at six am, and in bed at 6 pm. today i was up at five am, and i'm in bed now at 218. at least i feel like i'll be asleep soon. i'm beyond wiped out. the sun soaks the life out of me every time. there's nothing as good as coming home from the beach or the lake tired. because sleep is great after.
i didn't accomplish anything here. i complained a lot. problem solved and troubleshooted none.
not productive.
but further, exhausting.
zzzzzzz
tonight i learned the difference between what is known as friday night and what is known as saturday morning.
the bakery was closed. they changed the hours. and friday midnight is not the same thing as saturday midnight.
and my sister's team came from the far flung suburbs just to go to this bakery.
and made it after an interstate exit adventure.
only to find out that it was closed.
heartbroken.
before that, i did redeem myself as the cool local, taking them to my favorite indian buffet. all sixteen of us in one party.
and that was a hit. but then they took a wrong turn when i tried to let the taxi who wedged himself between our caravan pass.
and then i had to go in search of them, trying to lead them to the interstate.
it sucked. what should have been a straight shot became a wild goose chase, because they kept moving. and i kept telling them through my dad on the phone that they just needed to park and stay put and that i'd come to them. and they kept moving. and moving.
i love my parents. so much.
but my father is the most annoying passenger side driver in the world. he has something to say about my driving and the roads and the cars and the drivers. all the things that make him so angry and all of the ridiculous things people do the their cars that he'd like to shove up their asses. racist comments about this group's driving and that group's cars.
telling me when to brake.
i was in the car, driving them around for the majority of the day today. and he is relentless. and i think he's starting to lose his hearing in one ear, because he's saying 'huh?' a lot. and talking really loudly.
of all the things my father says, i have two favorite phrases. and if he'd mixed them in today, it would have helped. but he didn't use either.
one is, 'aww...horseshit.' (pronounced 'horse sheeit') and the other is, 'that really burns my ass' which is sometimes slightly modified as, 'that really chaps my ass'.
everything made him angry. nothing chapped his ass.
everything i did was wrong. and i could have gotten over, i could have parked closer to the curb, i could have ignored the parking attendant and parked so we didn't have to walk so far. mom was cold all day, so we rode around in the stuffy car with the windows up. it was SEVENTY.
all of this comes from a place of a spotty three hour nap. i would say that i didn't sleep at all last night, but i woke up when the alarm went off, so i must have fallen asleep at some point.
it was really rough.
also, i smoke when i drive. a lot. and my parents loathe smoking, i don't do it around them at all. and mom is asthmatic, so i never smoke in the car when they're around.
and being in the car all day, stuck in traffic was a recipe for disaster without smokes.
we were in the sun all day. it was nice, i wanted to get a little sunburn.
i wore this shirt i bought maybe four years ago, but never wore. i couldn't fit into it when i bought it. i was at my heaviest, and couldn't get it on over my head.
it's made out of a pillowcase. which sounds rediculous, but it's a spectacular shirt. and it is seventies cotton weighty goodness.
really really nice. ruffly trim and thick criss cross straps with an open back.
so i now have funny shaped sunburn patches. some triangles. trapezoids. and a pink nose.
mom told me a funny story today, from my terrible twos. she kept telling me to put on sunblock. and i kept telling her i don't believe in sunblock, that i wanted a little sun.
but once i got a little burned, i didn't want any more sun, and we were sitting out in the open, watching my sister's race.
and she said that i was stubborn from birth. and that i made her read a book called 'the strong willed child' when i was still an only child, before i was three.
and she would tell me to pick something up.
and i would say no.
and she would tell me again, 'pick it up'.
and i would refuse. and ball my tiny hands into fists. so that i could physically not pick up the thing she wanted me to.
and she would take my balled fists by the wrists, and use them to pick the something up.
and i was cracking up about it, i'd never heard that story before.
and i thanked my father. because that is his gene pool working its magic.
and when i was sunburnt and getting cranky from lack of sleep, mom kept telling me to put on the sunblock.
and i refused.
and without a word, she took my hands and pushed them towards the bottle of sunblock.
so today wasn't all bad. that made me laugh. because at first, i was like, 'what is she DOING?' and then i realized she was trying to make me pick up the sunblock.
but the rest of the day was one snag after another.
everything we were doing with aubree and her team was on the opposite side of the city from where i live.
we were on our way to dinner when aubree called and said that she wanted to have dinner with us. so we went to go get her.
and got pulled into the sixteen person dinner outing.
followed by the bakery disaster.
nothing was easy today. not a thing.
everything had its issues.
tomorrow is mother's day. we don't know what we're doing for mom yet. but we'll do something.
and supposedly, my brother is getting engaged this weekend. he's asking her, anyways.
and i don't want him to.
not because it's not right.
but because i don't want him to end up like me.
because aubree's team didn't qualify today, it means that tomorrow will be relatively simple. instead of watching a day full of races, there is only one to watch and it's early.
so we should have a pretty easy day tomorrow. except that it will start early.
all i want is to sleep.
all day would be nice.
but i cannot waste my short time with my family in bed alone.
at least tonight i made the air mattress. last night was a disaster.
i tried to cram myself onto the tiny couch. and there was no way. so i took the cushions off and moved to the floor. and fought to stay on them, like a life raft at sea all night, sleeplessly. fitfully.
i feel how i felt the night of going out with nate. i feel how i felt the next day. because that day i was up at six am, and in bed at 6 pm. today i was up at five am, and i'm in bed now at 218. at least i feel like i'll be asleep soon. i'm beyond wiped out. the sun soaks the life out of me every time. there's nothing as good as coming home from the beach or the lake tired. because sleep is great after.
i didn't accomplish anything here. i complained a lot. problem solved and troubleshooted none.
not productive.
but further, exhausting.
zzzzzzz
njosnavelin is the new heysatan. may 6th.
it would be nice to have a day that wasn't classified as rough.
but i think that might take a while.
i feel like i'm constantly two seconds from a panic attack.
i feel like i'm talking myself down all day, every day.
i feel like i can't stop thinking.
and it's not even productive logical thinking. it's brain-consuming wasteful worrying.
and if i'd been worrying about the right things, i wouldn't have gotten a parking ticket.
if i was thinking, i wouldn't have had to make two trips to work today.
'if you weren't thinking, you wouldn't have thought that.'
maybe i'll watch the sandlot with my parents on sunday. that would be nice.
the gang's all here. aubree is off with her team, but mom and dad got in tonight. we had dinner at no gringos. i hadn't been there since before valentine's day, when we split up.
i feel like the waitress was probably wondering why my husband wasn't with us.
but that is neither here nor there.
it seems like i can't stop thinking about how he is processing all of this.
i sent him an email last night, detailing the info from the lawyer. and he hasn't responded yet, which is precisely what i expected.
and i'm afraid that when he does, it will be with a lawyer's advice. i figure if nothing else, he'll know someone who has a friend who will help him on his end.
i don't know. i guess mostly i think about what i know, and i worry about what i don't.
i found out today that despite his bragging about paying the mortgage early and on time, that after that one time that he did, this month he didn't.
he paid it on the third.
and the ways that this bit of information affects me are pretty complicated.
i think he did what i did. i think he was banking on the tax return money being there, and spent too much. just like i did.
and then i think he didn't have it.
until two days after it was due.
but the thing is, if he's already pushing it, the future will only get harder.
i feel like i can't judge him for making the same mistake that i did. but i also feel like he probably has a much better understanding of what it takes to do it. after that first easy month.
which must be why the mystery person moved in.
it must be humbling for him.
and i'm considerate enough to not rub it in his face. but i made a mental note.
and worse, i have to babysit the mortgage account so our house doesn't get foreclosed upon.
and it makes my email have more weight to it now, because i talked about him paying the mortgage on time and that the house goes on the market if he breeches the contract we'll have to set up.
i don't know. i liked not worrying about it. i liked thinking that he was so proud of handling it all.
and i can rest easy knowing that he isn't fucking up my credit. the house is the only thing he is responsible for that has my name on it.
i asked him if he wanted to see my family, if only to say hi. they did show interest in seeing him. more for him than for them, but it is there.
and it will be interesting to see what he does. if he just avoids me until they leave town.
or whatever.
my dad started to get fired up about the lawyer's advice. about the business, mostly. but i made them change the subject because i was driving and fighting tears and i'm so saturated, i just can't take it. and i can't take hearing what they think on top of what i think and what the lawyer thinks and what i think he thinks.
too much thinking.
but having them here pushed me to get the apartment as settled as i could. i could not have done it without my sister. i have said probably ten times that if she wasn't here, i would have just been crying in bed and not doing anything because it is all so overwhelming.
what is funnier is that i needed to be managed.
like a little fledgeling divorcee.
i liked things when they were in vacation mode at my-your apartment. when i had spare time and was writing and reading and doing things i never made time for because i was too busy tending to him and his needs. it was a retreat.
and how aptly i named it my halfway house, that now it is back to reality.
the safe bubble has burst. the easy part is over now.
too bad i couldn't be in this apartment for the easy part.
because i don't want this place to be associated with the hard part.
and it already is.
i was laying in bed last night. wide awake, as per the recent usual. it was probably about three am. and i was staring at the foreign ceiling above my bed. and i just thought, 'how did i end up here?'
and it killed me.
at the precise moment i thought it, that same song that made me cry the other day came on. and i lost it again.
njosnavelin is the new heysatan.
every. single. time.
and i thought, 'but i am afraid. i came through the light, and i AM afraid'. the opposite sentiment of what the song imparts.
and not in the girly, insecure kind of a way. where i feel like i need protection.
i am afraid of what the next six months will be like. i am afraid of what my life is going to be when my family leaves and it is just me. again.
last night when i was still working on this place, i was listening to my workout mix. and i was screaming along to black eyes. i hate that they broke up after only one album. they were fucking AMAZING. the whole album is solid. really great when you're angry.
but i had the overwhelming desire to go the gym. if i hadn't already made plans with kit to go to the bar for cinco de mayo at eight, i would have gone right then, while i had the urge.
i feel it coming.
when the dust settles, i'm going to get back into it.
i'm going to drag either kit or rob with me, because i can usually only stick to going every day if there is someone to hold me accoutable.
i'm ready. when i'm angry, it helps almost as much as screaming at the top of my lungs.
something else happened yesterday.
the girl who was the maid of honor at our wedding tagged us in our wedding pictures, which i hid from my albums right after i moved out of the house.
i have a lot of issues to resolve with her, and most of the time i think it is a waste of time.
i didn't talk to her over the last seven years.
before that, she was my best friend, via telephone for many years.
then, right after our wedding, i forgot her birthday.
and she never spoke to me again.
it was awful. at the time we got married, she lived eight states away, but she was my best friend.
and then it was over. she dropped me faster than i thought she could.
and since then, we reconnected. before the house. it was a fluke. her email account got hacked. and i'd been having dreams with her in them for about a month before that.
so when i got the email that i knew was spam, i emailed her back one morning upon waking.
and we talked over email. saying that we'd always thought about each other, and that despite not ever trying to talk to me, she still referred to me as her best friend.
and one day in the house, she called me. and we talked and both apologized for stopping the talking. and had a cry because we both dicked out on each other. i hear marianne hawthorne saying 'that's her best friend' in my mind. from harriet, when she's reading the part in her journal to the kids, and her tone is so sad.
but every time i called her after that, she never answered. and she would say in text or in email that she would call me. but she never did.
and so i never told her about our problems.
and i never told her that we split.
and then i got home from cinco de mayo beers, and i'm staring myself down in black and white photographs.
white dress and all. flowers. ever in a suit. the wedding party. an expecting nina and my teenage sister. with the guy who married us. who has since gone to jail for getting caught with crack. he was ever's boss at the time. and his life since then has completely derailed.
what a fucking MESS.
it was not what i was expecting.
i've been schlepping around the wedding photo books since i left. obviously, i haven't wanted to see them.
and it sucks. i was smiling. i must have been happy then.
it was so long ago. and i look so young.
and i was so foolish.
what was i thinking?
i'm going to get about a four hour nap tonight.
tomorrow is going to blow.
i have a catering and i have to wake up at five am.
i'm wide awake. because this is my new sleep schedule. staying up until three am every night.
and i'm on the couch, because i gave my parents my bed.
and it's tiny. and i'm going to feel ill tomorrow.
but everything is going to be okay.
mom's three hugs and dad's two hugs already made things a little bit easier.
when my mom hugs me, i just go back to being the scared little kid i was all those years ago.
crying in my mom's arms. scared from the nightmare i was having.
only now i'm twice as big, and the nightmare is my waking life.
it was funny, when i was tucking them in, mom asked if i wanted to crawl into bed and sleep with them. because they'd make room for me.
i told them they should just have sex in my bed, since i won't be using it for that for a while. that someone should enjoy it...
it was nice to have a laugh after my awful day.
i've made a huge mistake.
four dollars a month. i just have to keep reminding myself.
four dollars a month. and when this is all behind me, i will feel so much better. i just want it to be over quickly and painlessly, and that is not going to happen.
'if i ever feel better'
weirdest video, or one of. but that song is so good for me. in my mind, i'm building my spring mix. it's gonna be kickass. i keep thinking of songs and forgetting. maybe i'll put it on here until i have a computer that can build mixes again. in no particular order, i cannot forget:
1. if i ever feel better - phoenix
2. gorgeous thing - thao nguyen
3. chemo limo - regina spektor
4. njosnavelin - sigur ros
5. walters - pinback (i know... it was on winter, but it is stuck on me)
6. vaka - sigur ros (for good measure)
7. when we swam - thao & the get down stay down
8. beat - thao & the get down stay down
9. (track 6) - ida
tonight would have been a three beer night. i'd have settled for two because i have to be up early, and cannot wake up feeling worse than just sleep deprived. but because of the parents, i just had a couple sips of wine. glug glug straight out of the bottle.
and a bunch of water.
i have to try to sleep.
manic mode continues. i feel like i could go on writing forever. working things out. processing via little clicking white keys.
like everything else, it's short lived.
being an adult sucks.
and you never understand when you're nineteen. and everyone is telling you 'these are the best years of your life, enjoy them'.
you never understand how right they are.
until they are behind you. and then you're the one telling the nineteen year olds. and they're floating on, not paying a bit of attention to the crazy 'old' person.
my sister is in that part of her life now. she walks around with about three or four hours of sleep under her belt, on average. i miss those days.
some days lately, i walk around feeling like i just dropped acid. like right now. and like i will tomorrow.
tonight i spent a full five minutes looking for my phone in my bag. i was talking to my sister. on it.
right now, sleeping in the bathtub sounds like a good idea. empty, of course. i don't have a death wish. but just stretching out in it. if i could somehow still float, that would be sweet.
it was a horrible day.
i feel like i've had about all i can take. and now i also feel unlucky. and that is a toxic combination. i keep making five second decisions that have lasting effects. and they're expensive.
i was begging aloud today. i'd say praying, but i really don't pray.
'please please please, no...'
'please please please, let this work.'
about a few different things i was trying to accomplish.
only one worked.
and i can't help but to feel like i'm about to start getting my paybacks for fucking up ever's life, and mine as a result.
i need to work on my guilt issues.
but more than that, i need to try to go to sleep. now.
but i think that might take a while.
i feel like i'm constantly two seconds from a panic attack.
i feel like i'm talking myself down all day, every day.
i feel like i can't stop thinking.
and it's not even productive logical thinking. it's brain-consuming wasteful worrying.
and if i'd been worrying about the right things, i wouldn't have gotten a parking ticket.
if i was thinking, i wouldn't have had to make two trips to work today.
'if you weren't thinking, you wouldn't have thought that.'
maybe i'll watch the sandlot with my parents on sunday. that would be nice.
the gang's all here. aubree is off with her team, but mom and dad got in tonight. we had dinner at no gringos. i hadn't been there since before valentine's day, when we split up.
i feel like the waitress was probably wondering why my husband wasn't with us.
but that is neither here nor there.
it seems like i can't stop thinking about how he is processing all of this.
i sent him an email last night, detailing the info from the lawyer. and he hasn't responded yet, which is precisely what i expected.
and i'm afraid that when he does, it will be with a lawyer's advice. i figure if nothing else, he'll know someone who has a friend who will help him on his end.
i don't know. i guess mostly i think about what i know, and i worry about what i don't.
i found out today that despite his bragging about paying the mortgage early and on time, that after that one time that he did, this month he didn't.
he paid it on the third.
and the ways that this bit of information affects me are pretty complicated.
i think he did what i did. i think he was banking on the tax return money being there, and spent too much. just like i did.
and then i think he didn't have it.
until two days after it was due.
but the thing is, if he's already pushing it, the future will only get harder.
i feel like i can't judge him for making the same mistake that i did. but i also feel like he probably has a much better understanding of what it takes to do it. after that first easy month.
which must be why the mystery person moved in.
it must be humbling for him.
and i'm considerate enough to not rub it in his face. but i made a mental note.
and worse, i have to babysit the mortgage account so our house doesn't get foreclosed upon.
and it makes my email have more weight to it now, because i talked about him paying the mortgage on time and that the house goes on the market if he breeches the contract we'll have to set up.
i don't know. i liked not worrying about it. i liked thinking that he was so proud of handling it all.
and i can rest easy knowing that he isn't fucking up my credit. the house is the only thing he is responsible for that has my name on it.
i asked him if he wanted to see my family, if only to say hi. they did show interest in seeing him. more for him than for them, but it is there.
and it will be interesting to see what he does. if he just avoids me until they leave town.
or whatever.
my dad started to get fired up about the lawyer's advice. about the business, mostly. but i made them change the subject because i was driving and fighting tears and i'm so saturated, i just can't take it. and i can't take hearing what they think on top of what i think and what the lawyer thinks and what i think he thinks.
too much thinking.
but having them here pushed me to get the apartment as settled as i could. i could not have done it without my sister. i have said probably ten times that if she wasn't here, i would have just been crying in bed and not doing anything because it is all so overwhelming.
what is funnier is that i needed to be managed.
like a little fledgeling divorcee.
i liked things when they were in vacation mode at my-your apartment. when i had spare time and was writing and reading and doing things i never made time for because i was too busy tending to him and his needs. it was a retreat.
and how aptly i named it my halfway house, that now it is back to reality.
the safe bubble has burst. the easy part is over now.
too bad i couldn't be in this apartment for the easy part.
because i don't want this place to be associated with the hard part.
and it already is.
i was laying in bed last night. wide awake, as per the recent usual. it was probably about three am. and i was staring at the foreign ceiling above my bed. and i just thought, 'how did i end up here?'
and it killed me.
at the precise moment i thought it, that same song that made me cry the other day came on. and i lost it again.
njosnavelin is the new heysatan.
every. single. time.
and i thought, 'but i am afraid. i came through the light, and i AM afraid'. the opposite sentiment of what the song imparts.
and not in the girly, insecure kind of a way. where i feel like i need protection.
i am afraid of what the next six months will be like. i am afraid of what my life is going to be when my family leaves and it is just me. again.
last night when i was still working on this place, i was listening to my workout mix. and i was screaming along to black eyes. i hate that they broke up after only one album. they were fucking AMAZING. the whole album is solid. really great when you're angry.
but i had the overwhelming desire to go the gym. if i hadn't already made plans with kit to go to the bar for cinco de mayo at eight, i would have gone right then, while i had the urge.
i feel it coming.
when the dust settles, i'm going to get back into it.
i'm going to drag either kit or rob with me, because i can usually only stick to going every day if there is someone to hold me accoutable.
i'm ready. when i'm angry, it helps almost as much as screaming at the top of my lungs.
something else happened yesterday.
the girl who was the maid of honor at our wedding tagged us in our wedding pictures, which i hid from my albums right after i moved out of the house.
i have a lot of issues to resolve with her, and most of the time i think it is a waste of time.
i didn't talk to her over the last seven years.
before that, she was my best friend, via telephone for many years.
then, right after our wedding, i forgot her birthday.
and she never spoke to me again.
it was awful. at the time we got married, she lived eight states away, but she was my best friend.
and then it was over. she dropped me faster than i thought she could.
and since then, we reconnected. before the house. it was a fluke. her email account got hacked. and i'd been having dreams with her in them for about a month before that.
so when i got the email that i knew was spam, i emailed her back one morning upon waking.
and we talked over email. saying that we'd always thought about each other, and that despite not ever trying to talk to me, she still referred to me as her best friend.
and one day in the house, she called me. and we talked and both apologized for stopping the talking. and had a cry because we both dicked out on each other. i hear marianne hawthorne saying 'that's her best friend' in my mind. from harriet, when she's reading the part in her journal to the kids, and her tone is so sad.
but every time i called her after that, she never answered. and she would say in text or in email that she would call me. but she never did.
and so i never told her about our problems.
and i never told her that we split.
and then i got home from cinco de mayo beers, and i'm staring myself down in black and white photographs.
white dress and all. flowers. ever in a suit. the wedding party. an expecting nina and my teenage sister. with the guy who married us. who has since gone to jail for getting caught with crack. he was ever's boss at the time. and his life since then has completely derailed.
what a fucking MESS.
it was not what i was expecting.
i've been schlepping around the wedding photo books since i left. obviously, i haven't wanted to see them.
and it sucks. i was smiling. i must have been happy then.
it was so long ago. and i look so young.
and i was so foolish.
what was i thinking?
i'm going to get about a four hour nap tonight.
tomorrow is going to blow.
i have a catering and i have to wake up at five am.
i'm wide awake. because this is my new sleep schedule. staying up until three am every night.
and i'm on the couch, because i gave my parents my bed.
and it's tiny. and i'm going to feel ill tomorrow.
but everything is going to be okay.
mom's three hugs and dad's two hugs already made things a little bit easier.
when my mom hugs me, i just go back to being the scared little kid i was all those years ago.
crying in my mom's arms. scared from the nightmare i was having.
only now i'm twice as big, and the nightmare is my waking life.
it was funny, when i was tucking them in, mom asked if i wanted to crawl into bed and sleep with them. because they'd make room for me.
i told them they should just have sex in my bed, since i won't be using it for that for a while. that someone should enjoy it...
it was nice to have a laugh after my awful day.
i've made a huge mistake.
four dollars a month. i just have to keep reminding myself.
four dollars a month. and when this is all behind me, i will feel so much better. i just want it to be over quickly and painlessly, and that is not going to happen.
'if i ever feel better'
weirdest video, or one of. but that song is so good for me. in my mind, i'm building my spring mix. it's gonna be kickass. i keep thinking of songs and forgetting. maybe i'll put it on here until i have a computer that can build mixes again. in no particular order, i cannot forget:
1. if i ever feel better - phoenix
2. gorgeous thing - thao nguyen
3. chemo limo - regina spektor
4. njosnavelin - sigur ros
5. walters - pinback (i know... it was on winter, but it is stuck on me)
6. vaka - sigur ros (for good measure)
7. when we swam - thao & the get down stay down
8. beat - thao & the get down stay down
9. (track 6) - ida
tonight would have been a three beer night. i'd have settled for two because i have to be up early, and cannot wake up feeling worse than just sleep deprived. but because of the parents, i just had a couple sips of wine. glug glug straight out of the bottle.
and a bunch of water.
i have to try to sleep.
manic mode continues. i feel like i could go on writing forever. working things out. processing via little clicking white keys.
like everything else, it's short lived.
being an adult sucks.
and you never understand when you're nineteen. and everyone is telling you 'these are the best years of your life, enjoy them'.
you never understand how right they are.
until they are behind you. and then you're the one telling the nineteen year olds. and they're floating on, not paying a bit of attention to the crazy 'old' person.
my sister is in that part of her life now. she walks around with about three or four hours of sleep under her belt, on average. i miss those days.
some days lately, i walk around feeling like i just dropped acid. like right now. and like i will tomorrow.
tonight i spent a full five minutes looking for my phone in my bag. i was talking to my sister. on it.
right now, sleeping in the bathtub sounds like a good idea. empty, of course. i don't have a death wish. but just stretching out in it. if i could somehow still float, that would be sweet.
it was a horrible day.
i feel like i've had about all i can take. and now i also feel unlucky. and that is a toxic combination. i keep making five second decisions that have lasting effects. and they're expensive.
i was begging aloud today. i'd say praying, but i really don't pray.
'please please please, no...'
'please please please, let this work.'
about a few different things i was trying to accomplish.
only one worked.
and i can't help but to feel like i'm about to start getting my paybacks for fucking up ever's life, and mine as a result.
i need to work on my guilt issues.
but more than that, i need to try to go to sleep. now.
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