i don't have words for how i feel when i read words that i thought were mine, in someone else's book.
i claimed them as my favorite line. but they were not mine.
if they weren't so fantastic it would've been harder to minimize the sick feeling when i read the line. my face went hot. i blushed, despite being completely alone.
there was this storm tonight. it was supposed to be worse than it was.
we rarely have thunderstorms or lightning here.
i wished for a screened porch to sit on. or unscreened, i suppose.
to sit under and smoke under and watch the storm from the safer exposure of.
i settled for raising the screen and opening the window, and sitting in kit's camping chair in front of it.
i stared at the sky for a while. thinking. feeling. staring. watching the clouds change and swirl and move. watching the lightning that rarely touched the ground, but was flashing every few seconds. for hours.
and thought that i'd never tried to take a picture of lightning that i can remember. so i tried it.
obviously, it is not easy. i took over 130 pictures, and only one had a nice shot of cloud to cloud lightning. i kept snapping pictures and then seeing lightning. so i thought that when i wanted to take a picture, if i gave it another second or two, the timing might be right. but it wasn't. i think i was 80 pictures in before i got it right. i scrapped all but maybe 6 pictures. it was a fun experiment.
in any case, i alternated between the camera and the book.
i decided to pick up cruddy, and read sitting there, crossways in the chair with my legs draped over the arm. and when the sun was setting, i grabbed my booklight until the streetlight came on.
i must have read for two hours that way.
and then it was night. and then it was midnight and i was nearing the end of the book. i read it so fast. two days?
i knew i'd finish it this weekend. kit is away, and nate couldn't come down. so i had already decided to sleep a lot. and do laundry at my-your. and read and write all weekend. feels like it might be a good time to go back to the novel and make the first round of edits.
i'm still pretty mixed up from yesterday's meeting with ever and the fallout. work today was strictly cleaning. which, in addition to baking is what i do that coincides with deep thought.
so i was alone and in the silence for hours, cleaning. thinking about ever more than anything else, even though i didn't want to.
i kept remembering things he said.
the first thing he said to me when he sat across from me was, 'so you're into spray tans now?'
i was confused and asked what he meant. he said i looked really orange and laughed.
i thanked him. and said it was from going to the race last weekend, because i was in the sun all day friday and saturday. and that i would never get a spray tan.
what an asshole.
and i guess later, he was being a non-asshole when he said i looked pretty. and rubbed my arm.
i looked at him and said 'don't do that. do not touch me.'
and he asked why. and i said that i didn't want him to. and he asked why not. and i said that he shouldn't want to touch me.
i had so many opportunities to bring up the dating site. and i didn't.
as is my life, i am stuck in loops right now.
little heady loops.
is it strange that i sleep on one side of the bed when i don't have to? i can have the whole thing. i can sleep in the middle. i can change sides. but when i wake up, i'm exactly where i started out. pushed to the edge of the bed.
is it strange that i read by a booklight, when i'm not going to keep anyone up by using a lamp? every light i have here is too bright for me. do they make a 2 watt bulb? that's what i need.
is the doctor going to judge me for ending my marriage? because i know how he feels about marriage. the whole thing about him writing me while i was writing him after six or so months of no correspondence really tripped me out. and when he mentioned ever and thinking about us, i told him i should probably tell him that we split up.
i just remember the conversation we had. he had decided to move to where his boy lived to be with him. and i remember when he said they were getting married. and how he said that he took it very seriously, and that he would only do it once.
that's what i thought, too, you know? and i went into it with those intentions.
i hope his life with him is such that he doesn't have to go back on his word like i did.
but i know how people have reacted upon hearing this news, people who know us pretty well. and they're shocked. but i don't want to disappoint the doctor. i respect him and he's a pioneer like we were. and i care about what he thinks.
that's enough about that. no time for self loathing today.
but why is everyone professing love online right now? not everyone. specifically, one girl and one boy to coffee. and one girl to the sun.
i can't help myself. i can't stop wondering.
stop.
i have two books to buy tomorrow.
i wish i could go to strand to get them. but i'm not at nate's.
i don't like going into the city here on the weekend. i don't know why, but i just don't. and i don't want to go to borders. i think it's because i like little shops and not big chains. and because i don't want to drive. and because the city is empty and it doesn't feel as good to walk around alone in an empty city.
i don't know of a bookstore near me. but i'll look one up and do that instead.
maybe i'll even ride my bike.
after that push i felt to go back to the gym the other day, i haven't felt it since. i can't make myself go. i've promised myself that this weekend i'll get there.
even riding my bike to work was too much. i only did it one day this week. that is just SAD. because it is only a seven minute ride.
but i have been walking a lot. mostly, the other day when i went to the bar. walked something like 25 blocks.
it was far. and i walked fast.
i don't know.
i'm mopey.
i'm lonely.
i'm kinda sad, but mostly not. i wish i could find the right word for it. melancholy?
i'm really unmotivated.
on the stoop tonight, i felt completely numb. i felt nothing at all. but the feeling of feeling nothing wasn't a good one. it's like numbness itself had a negative connotation.
i know how tapped i am from the week i had. and i feel like laying in bed is the best way to counteract it.
but i am not like that. i'm not that person.
i have a hard time laying in bed if it's not late at night, and if i'm not writing or reading, or trying to sleep.
i'm not a lounger.
maybe i need to watch a movie.
maybe it's time for edward scissorhands or dream for an insomniac. in this apartment.
maybe i need to do something i've never done before.
aubree is threatening to make me jump out of a plane when i'm home. in an effort to keep me young.
i have always wanted to.
but panic attacks put an end to that want.
and she seems to think that i absolutely must, because i promised her i would years ago, before i had them.
what's with this theme of people bringing up promises i made to them years ago, and trying to hold me to them now. when my life is so different? when i am so different? it's like my own recent past is haunting me despite the fact that it isn't dead.
but you know what? maybe she's right.
not that i have money for it.
but that i should just suck it up and JUMP. out of a perfectly good plane with a boy and a parachute strapped to my back.
it's 2 am. i'm wiped out. the toll my days are taking on me are not fun to deal with. and to try to compensate for.
the spring mix is coming together.
i'm really quite happy with it so far. only i'm not even halfway through one disc. i tend to make two disc mixes.
i'm uncomfortable. i have that feeling in my legs, where i want to stretch them out, and they kinda feel like they want to run a half marathon. only it's late, so i can't do a thing about it.
and i'm so tired now.
a non-walking disaster.
letter to ever. and a card game. may 13th.
letter to ever.
i really hoped that would go better than it did.
i don't hate you. i don't think you're a bad person. i do love you, and i did even when i felt hurt by choices you were making or deciding not to make.
i hate that you make me feel like a sucker, and i feel like that was the sole purpose of you wanting to meet today. i hate that you seem to enjoy it.
upon re-reading the email i sent you, it seems to me like i was clear in trying to help you, not trying to screw you.
we will never agree on what went wrong ultimately. and you'll never feel like i gave you enough time. and i'll never feel like you tried to make our marriage work. all the conversations i instigated before you started noting dates about feeling like i was second to your work, and feeling like nothing more than an investor in your business, not a wife, and about feeling like there was no place for me in our house. that i wasn't getting what i needed. but i also know that you elect not to remember that.
and that's okay. you have your notes. and i have mine. referencing them forever won't change anything.
i didn't realize that we were playing a card game. i thought that we could talk about what i learned and what you learned, and that you'd have something to say about it other than 'i'm not showing my cards just because you did' and then 'go ask your lawyer', so that we could work on it together. and come up with some kind of a plan.
i don't know what to do. i was very clear about that. all i want to do is file.
i'm doing my best.
you know that i didn't ever threaten you. i certainly never said that i was going to teach you a lesson. though i'd believe it if i had said that i wish you'd learn from this for future reference.
no matter how your heart makes you feel, you know that i didn't say those things the way you pitched them back at me today.
that wasn't fair and that is why i shut down. you know that i don't do well when i feel i'm being attacked. i can't talk to you when you're laughing at me, and intentionally making me feel ignorant. and i can't talk to you when you're telling me things i said, that i know i never said.
maybe we can try to have this conversation again in a couple weeks. i thought i was ready.
despite what you might think, i want to be able to be your friend. i've loved you too long to not be left with that. but until this part is over, i don't know how to do that.
i do care. and i do worry. sometimes i wish i didn't.
-tea
fuck me in the face.
that was the worst thing i've felt in a while.
meeting at a subway far from where we both live.
at some point in the conversation, he said that he would only meet me in public because all three of the attorneys he talked to for free told him not to respond to me in writing. and to talk to me in public, on neutral territory.
he has a way of being so caring, and then completely unraveling it.
like, to say that i broke his heart. and that he loves me more than anything in the world. and that i stabbed him in the heart and twisted it.
and then to turn around and say that i need to ask my attorney what the recourse is for each thing i mentioned in my original email to him after i met with her. and that it will end up costing more than the money we make on the house. and that he is concerned for me and worried about me.
and then, to say that the roommate isn't a roommate? that he isn't taking money from them, because they don't live there. apparently it's a couple who need to be apart from each other, but that it's a joint space. and that he's just trying to help them out.
that when i left, he said i said that i told him i wished he had to do it on his own for a year, because that is what i had done. so that is what he is going to do. no paying roommates. doesn't make a fucking bit of sense. i don't believe him for a second.
and there's a meeting tonight about the deck to be built on the roof. by the people who don't live there. who don't pay to not live there.
goddamn, he's fucking crazy.
i understand feeling threatened. but i'm not a threatening person.
i've been particularly careful since i left not to say anything that could be misconstrued as being a threat, because i don't know what rights i have legally, and don't know the rules.
i hope the lawyer was right about him not being able to get me for abandonment. because he used the word deserted more than once. and i also know that he did it intentionally.
to which mom says i'd better move back into the house.
to which i say hell fuck NO.
he tells me repeatedly that i lied when i married him because i said forever. it's a running theme with him. today he said he doesn't understand why i'm so concerned about contracts regarding the house, because obviously i have no regard for legal contracts and documents (as in marriage license).
he tried to tell me that he is the same person i married.
and i told him he's not at all.
and then said that i'm the same person he married.
and i said 'if that was the case, we wouldn't be standing here'.
dude. fuck him. i mean, i'm not gonna. but seriously?
i think i need to scream again.
maybe i should go to the train station again and wait for the express train to blow past me. that was a good one. completely drowned out. and i almost lost my voice i screamed so loud.
the note that we left on was not what i wanted. and i told him that.
he asked if i'm happy.
and i said that i have fewer bad days. and that i feel better.
and he asked if i'm happy.
and i said that i don't want to say that i'm happy. because it does nothing for him except to make him feel bad.
and he asked me another question that was getting at the same thing.
and i finally said, 'i am happy.'
and the look on his face? ugh.
and he said something like 'ok' and just left. so i left.
and flipped my shit the whole way home.
trying to pay attention to where i was going because i was driving a CAR.
my mind was not present. i have to say, it's a little alarming.
i called my mom.
and i still think that is a mistake.
because she doesn't understand.
no one understands us. as we were. not as we are. because i don't even understand us as we are.
we aren't the typical couple.
we put up with a lot of shit from each other.
and i can't help how i feel.
just like he can't help apparently how he reacts to me.
because it's a reaction. and they're feelings.
i fucking HATE that i am not a person who thinks on my toes. who comes up with the best answer, or the thing that i wanted to say until hours or days later. i never have the upper hand. i am never composed. i am never organized.
and i know that he always will have the upper hand with me. he knows how to fuck with me. and though he swears that he only did it once i said that i was leaving, i don't believe him.
he said that it wasn't fair to blame my leaving quickly on him saying that i had two weeks to get out, because he had two people lined up. because in the next breath he said it wasn't true.
and that when he said that he and the dog were so cute the day i went over and they were both staring at me with puppy dog eyes, it was just to get me to realize that you don't leave your family. because we were a family.
i will never get anywhere with him.
and all i want is to be DIVORCED. past tense.
fuck the house. fuck him. fuck the business.
he will never know what he did to me. or what he didn't do to me.
and he will never believe me that i loved him. and he will never believe me that not being in love isn't why i left.
and he'll always think that i lied to him all that time. because of the outcome.
i wasn't lying when we said 'we do'. i meant every word of my vows at the time. i was still naive then. and i had the best intentions.
but he changed. and i changed. and he deprived me just like i deprived him.
but if this is a card game, i wasn't playing with a full deck.
and it just isn't fair.
i always tell him that i don't think he's a bad person.
and i always leave feeling like a bad person.
and i always cry. no matter what. every time i have to see him and when he talks to me.
there were no tears, but i couldn't talk at all a few different times or i would have lost my shit right there in a snotty slobbering pile. on the ridiculous shopping plaza parking lot sidewalk in front of the subway.
and he just called me.
to talk. for over 20 minutes.
and i feel better now. because, again, he explained why he acted that way.
and we did get somewhere.
it was all because of the business. because he read it as me trying to take half of the last seven years' gross sales.
which he misread.
and to think that it was all because of that.
god.
when he called, i picked up. i had the ugly organ blasting to drown out the glee fest going on in the neighbor's house next door (seriously, like ten people are warming up their vocal chords and singing 'i love you' so loudly. for over an HOUR).
but i answered, and i started crying immediately. and couldn't speak, physically.
he thought i had people over and was laughing.
which just goes to show...
but he just said that he had an idea. and that he thinks that putting two years on the house once the divorce is final is the best way to proceed.
and i agree.
that is all i was trying to do today.
i'm so lost.
confused.
i only have clarity about a handful of things.
everything else is covered in mud.
i really hoped that would go better than it did.
i don't hate you. i don't think you're a bad person. i do love you, and i did even when i felt hurt by choices you were making or deciding not to make.
i hate that you make me feel like a sucker, and i feel like that was the sole purpose of you wanting to meet today. i hate that you seem to enjoy it.
upon re-reading the email i sent you, it seems to me like i was clear in trying to help you, not trying to screw you.
we will never agree on what went wrong ultimately. and you'll never feel like i gave you enough time. and i'll never feel like you tried to make our marriage work. all the conversations i instigated before you started noting dates about feeling like i was second to your work, and feeling like nothing more than an investor in your business, not a wife, and about feeling like there was no place for me in our house. that i wasn't getting what i needed. but i also know that you elect not to remember that.
and that's okay. you have your notes. and i have mine. referencing them forever won't change anything.
i didn't realize that we were playing a card game. i thought that we could talk about what i learned and what you learned, and that you'd have something to say about it other than 'i'm not showing my cards just because you did' and then 'go ask your lawyer', so that we could work on it together. and come up with some kind of a plan.
i don't know what to do. i was very clear about that. all i want to do is file.
i'm doing my best.
you know that i didn't ever threaten you. i certainly never said that i was going to teach you a lesson. though i'd believe it if i had said that i wish you'd learn from this for future reference.
no matter how your heart makes you feel, you know that i didn't say those things the way you pitched them back at me today.
that wasn't fair and that is why i shut down. you know that i don't do well when i feel i'm being attacked. i can't talk to you when you're laughing at me, and intentionally making me feel ignorant. and i can't talk to you when you're telling me things i said, that i know i never said.
maybe we can try to have this conversation again in a couple weeks. i thought i was ready.
despite what you might think, i want to be able to be your friend. i've loved you too long to not be left with that. but until this part is over, i don't know how to do that.
i do care. and i do worry. sometimes i wish i didn't.
-tea
fuck me in the face.
that was the worst thing i've felt in a while.
meeting at a subway far from where we both live.
at some point in the conversation, he said that he would only meet me in public because all three of the attorneys he talked to for free told him not to respond to me in writing. and to talk to me in public, on neutral territory.
he has a way of being so caring, and then completely unraveling it.
like, to say that i broke his heart. and that he loves me more than anything in the world. and that i stabbed him in the heart and twisted it.
and then to turn around and say that i need to ask my attorney what the recourse is for each thing i mentioned in my original email to him after i met with her. and that it will end up costing more than the money we make on the house. and that he is concerned for me and worried about me.
and then, to say that the roommate isn't a roommate? that he isn't taking money from them, because they don't live there. apparently it's a couple who need to be apart from each other, but that it's a joint space. and that he's just trying to help them out.
that when i left, he said i said that i told him i wished he had to do it on his own for a year, because that is what i had done. so that is what he is going to do. no paying roommates. doesn't make a fucking bit of sense. i don't believe him for a second.
and there's a meeting tonight about the deck to be built on the roof. by the people who don't live there. who don't pay to not live there.
goddamn, he's fucking crazy.
i understand feeling threatened. but i'm not a threatening person.
i've been particularly careful since i left not to say anything that could be misconstrued as being a threat, because i don't know what rights i have legally, and don't know the rules.
i hope the lawyer was right about him not being able to get me for abandonment. because he used the word deserted more than once. and i also know that he did it intentionally.
to which mom says i'd better move back into the house.
to which i say hell fuck NO.
he tells me repeatedly that i lied when i married him because i said forever. it's a running theme with him. today he said he doesn't understand why i'm so concerned about contracts regarding the house, because obviously i have no regard for legal contracts and documents (as in marriage license).
he tried to tell me that he is the same person i married.
and i told him he's not at all.
and then said that i'm the same person he married.
and i said 'if that was the case, we wouldn't be standing here'.
dude. fuck him. i mean, i'm not gonna. but seriously?
i think i need to scream again.
maybe i should go to the train station again and wait for the express train to blow past me. that was a good one. completely drowned out. and i almost lost my voice i screamed so loud.
the note that we left on was not what i wanted. and i told him that.
he asked if i'm happy.
and i said that i have fewer bad days. and that i feel better.
and he asked if i'm happy.
and i said that i don't want to say that i'm happy. because it does nothing for him except to make him feel bad.
and he asked me another question that was getting at the same thing.
and i finally said, 'i am happy.'
and the look on his face? ugh.
and he said something like 'ok' and just left. so i left.
and flipped my shit the whole way home.
trying to pay attention to where i was going because i was driving a CAR.
my mind was not present. i have to say, it's a little alarming.
i called my mom.
and i still think that is a mistake.
because she doesn't understand.
no one understands us. as we were. not as we are. because i don't even understand us as we are.
we aren't the typical couple.
we put up with a lot of shit from each other.
and i can't help how i feel.
just like he can't help apparently how he reacts to me.
because it's a reaction. and they're feelings.
i fucking HATE that i am not a person who thinks on my toes. who comes up with the best answer, or the thing that i wanted to say until hours or days later. i never have the upper hand. i am never composed. i am never organized.
and i know that he always will have the upper hand with me. he knows how to fuck with me. and though he swears that he only did it once i said that i was leaving, i don't believe him.
he said that it wasn't fair to blame my leaving quickly on him saying that i had two weeks to get out, because he had two people lined up. because in the next breath he said it wasn't true.
and that when he said that he and the dog were so cute the day i went over and they were both staring at me with puppy dog eyes, it was just to get me to realize that you don't leave your family. because we were a family.
i will never get anywhere with him.
and all i want is to be DIVORCED. past tense.
fuck the house. fuck him. fuck the business.
he will never know what he did to me. or what he didn't do to me.
and he will never believe me that i loved him. and he will never believe me that not being in love isn't why i left.
and he'll always think that i lied to him all that time. because of the outcome.
i wasn't lying when we said 'we do'. i meant every word of my vows at the time. i was still naive then. and i had the best intentions.
but he changed. and i changed. and he deprived me just like i deprived him.
but if this is a card game, i wasn't playing with a full deck.
and it just isn't fair.
i always tell him that i don't think he's a bad person.
and i always leave feeling like a bad person.
and i always cry. no matter what. every time i have to see him and when he talks to me.
there were no tears, but i couldn't talk at all a few different times or i would have lost my shit right there in a snotty slobbering pile. on the ridiculous shopping plaza parking lot sidewalk in front of the subway.
and he just called me.
to talk. for over 20 minutes.
and i feel better now. because, again, he explained why he acted that way.
and we did get somewhere.
it was all because of the business. because he read it as me trying to take half of the last seven years' gross sales.
which he misread.
and to think that it was all because of that.
god.
when he called, i picked up. i had the ugly organ blasting to drown out the glee fest going on in the neighbor's house next door (seriously, like ten people are warming up their vocal chords and singing 'i love you' so loudly. for over an HOUR).
but i answered, and i started crying immediately. and couldn't speak, physically.
he thought i had people over and was laughing.
which just goes to show...
but he just said that he had an idea. and that he thinks that putting two years on the house once the divorce is final is the best way to proceed.
and i agree.
that is all i was trying to do today.
i'm so lost.
confused.
i only have clarity about a handful of things.
everything else is covered in mud.
for once. and for all. may 12th.
i'm alternating between writing digitally, writing analog, and reading cruddy.
there are so many things i love about cruddy. picking it up again, maybe ten years later, reading sentences and thinking... she just GETS it.
she nailed it. adolescent writing as an adult. about things kids do. things i've done.
and with the most brilliant execution.
i love this book.
moving on...
today i learned a lot about myself. not learned, so much as came to terms with.
i'm changing. i'm starting to modify the way i think and feel. my ideals. what i want from my life. what i value. what i want to do next. this week, this month, next month, this year.
and it's all been there. i think what is happening is that i am starting to act in accordance with the way i want to live. i am doing things to take initiative to get things that i want.
i'm settling down a little. as in, calming down.
i'm letting my mind wander and not feeling guilty about it anymore.
it's liberating.
at the same time, i'm getting sleep again. though it's midnight now, and i'm tired but not exactly sleepy, reading will fix that.
i think it might be the beer. might. because i've been having at least two a day since the fam left. three last night and tonight over the course of hours. and with food. but i'm very muted. toned down. not all anxiety queen.
i'm starting to feel again the way i felt that first week in my-your apartment.
independent. happy. free. quiet. motivated. in tune with my sense of self.
it's an interesting journey. how i imagine surfing would be. lots of peaks and valleys, and waiting. it feels like surfacing after getting caught in the undertow and being raked across the ocean floor. the feeling of finding oxygen is awesome, even though the subsequent coughing of water from lungs is not.
being offline is really starting to get to me. tomorrow verizon comes to tell me what is wrong.
i'm nearly certain that they're going to tell me that the phone lines are all dead in this apartment. to which i tell landlord to FUCK OFF already. because he is the one who said the apartment was dsl ready.
and if he told me wrong, there are not words for how pissed i'll be. because i already know that it costs $130 to get a line. and i could've been on faster internet two weeks ago. and not wasted all this time and dealt with all of this frustration.
i loathe verizon. i begged the cable company to not make me get cable, and just let me get broadband. to lower the price just a tad so i wouldn't be forced into verizon again. and they didn't do it. they wanted me to have cable tv. and it's not only a waste of money, but i never watch tv. so i got all stubborn and refused it and waited a week for the dsl kit to show up. and then it did. and didn't work. surprise, surprise.
i hate verizon. and the landlord.
i need to write him a letter. a real one. about the patching and the painting. about the refrigerator and the leak and the ants.
and tonight i heard a dog barking on the third floor.
and i was both surprised and pissed. i know it's not here all the time. it's probably her boyfriend's dog. she's rarely home as far as i can tell.
but i miss my dog. and the fact that there's a dog in the building after that shit fit he pitched with me? intolerable.
scattered again, but...
i found two new songs today. well, one is a demo of a death cab for cutie song, when ben gibbard was doing all-time quarterback.
underwater is one of my favorite songs by dcfc, i had a live version somewhere. but the demo is incredibly sad and low fi, just him and guitar and 4 track hum. and i must've listened to it eight times on repeat driving to delaware.
'you were my army and i would command,
"attack the holy land"
and you were that interstate that i would roll my tanks down
cover me stunned. wake the children, windham.
and keep the details in a jar and bury them underwater.'
also, in the same cd wallet that i discovered while unpacking, i had two damien rice cds i've never listened to.
the fourth song on 9 is amazing.
he screamingly sings 'fuck you' repeatedly.
and 'let me out'
and something else too, now i am forgetting. 'hate me'. ugh. memory of a gnat, this one... it is so full and appropriate.
in any case, the cd was very sad, and it was a perfectly gloomy day, so it was fitting. and i was back from delaware halfway through the cd, but was happy about that one song.
i don't know. i'm a mixed bag. i have the happy side. i've been around friends since the fam left. and that has felt good. because i've been laughing my ass off.
but talking to my sister has been up and down. i missed her a lot today. the drive wasn't nearly as much fun or as entertaining as when i took her with me.
work was good today. i accomplished a lot. and i'm grateful for that, because i was wondering if i was going to be able to snap out of vacation mode and get back to this.
i have a lot of work coming up, and i know that when i start to feel how i feel right now, that the pendulum is about to swing the other way.
as in, working ten hour days soon. i hate it. but i will survive it until things mellow a little and there is a changing of the guard.
i've been having crazy dreams.
and if i think about something before i go to sleep, i've been succeeding in dreaming about it. when i say something and it, i mean someone.
it's been different thoughts every night. different people. different situations. where my mind wanders when i can't sleep. thinking about people i miss. haven't talked to in a while. or otherwise.
last night the dream was about my sister. and i don't remember it at all now, but i woke up kindof upset, like something bad had happened to her in my dream. i instinctively wanted to call her, which is always what happens when i have bad dreams.
i was thinking about the doctor the other day, and about writing to him to see how he and his husband are doing. and then dreamt him that night.
if i can just keep ever out of my head, that will help. because that last dream was a little much.
i was talking to kit tonight. it's strange. the last couple of weeks, coffee has been surprisingly absent from my mind.
and i told her tonight that i wonder if it's just certain times when i am thinking about him and wondering why things never worked out. and that, because i have had a few weeks of not really concentrating my romantic energy on him, that maybe i shouldn't ask him anything at all.
and she told me that if i don't, she will.
because she can't take six more months of it. she can't take the gap from my trip home in a few weeks to christmas, hearing about a new rash of regrets and thoughts and musings.
she can't take it. and she won't.
and she added that nina will back her up.
it's funny, i don't like ganging up on people, or being ganged up on.
when these two finally meet, i think i'm done for.
i say that with the utmost love in my heart. but they both know me pretty well, and they know the hard decisions i have to make, and will have to make, and they also kinda know what's best for me. even if i sometimes don't.
and when they combine forces? i'm gonna be in biiiiig trouble.
nina's ticket here with me has been purchased. kit's ticket there has been purchased. kit has to get hers back. i have to get mine there.
but we're halfway to home, and we're making lists.
and it's too exciting. and i don't want to wait two months for it.
i want it now. like veruca salt, i want it all now.
and i'm planning and scheming in my mind. people i want to run into and people i want to meet up with.
and i have a feeling this two months is going to feel longer than it will take to get here.
if i just stay busy and work hard, i'll be okay.
it'll be here before i know it.
and i'll probably be drunk a few days before i go home, and kit will be pushing the send button on a text message asking coffee to a drink. because i don't think i'll physically be able to go through with it.
i'm mentally preparing myself, because it's going to take some time. i can talk myself into anything. and out of anything.
and i can regret like no one else i've ever met.
some days i want to do it, right when i think of it. before i change my mind.
and some days i think i won't get anything back.
and some days i think i'll bump into him there whether i get a response or not.
and some days i think he'll avoid me until he knows i am gone.
and some days i think i'll actually ask him.
and some days i think i might just kiss him.
and some days i think his girlfriend might get mad.
and some days i think his boyfriend might get mad.
and some days i think he's been waiting for me to kiss him.
and some days i think i'll show up expectantly waiting.
and some days i think he won't care enough to show up.
i hope i have good days before i head home. or the scales might tip in the pessimistic direction.
i hope i get closure. finally.
i hope that it doesn't make it worse.
the last thing i need is another december to inspire eighty five stories and imaginary endings.
no more decembers. i don't think i can take another. ever. again.
see kit? he's back. he snuck in the back door. and i didn't invite him. and i didn't notice until i thought he was gone. really, he was there all along. my immediate life clouds my brain and tricks me into thinking he's moved out. but he hasn't. he just lies dormant until the people who are active in my life fade a bit. like the thing in the corner that you couldn't see for shadows. when the light goes out and your eyes adjust, it is there.
and that is why i must do what must be done.
for once.
and for all.
there are so many things i love about cruddy. picking it up again, maybe ten years later, reading sentences and thinking... she just GETS it.
she nailed it. adolescent writing as an adult. about things kids do. things i've done.
and with the most brilliant execution.
i love this book.
moving on...
today i learned a lot about myself. not learned, so much as came to terms with.
i'm changing. i'm starting to modify the way i think and feel. my ideals. what i want from my life. what i value. what i want to do next. this week, this month, next month, this year.
and it's all been there. i think what is happening is that i am starting to act in accordance with the way i want to live. i am doing things to take initiative to get things that i want.
i'm settling down a little. as in, calming down.
i'm letting my mind wander and not feeling guilty about it anymore.
it's liberating.
at the same time, i'm getting sleep again. though it's midnight now, and i'm tired but not exactly sleepy, reading will fix that.
i think it might be the beer. might. because i've been having at least two a day since the fam left. three last night and tonight over the course of hours. and with food. but i'm very muted. toned down. not all anxiety queen.
i'm starting to feel again the way i felt that first week in my-your apartment.
independent. happy. free. quiet. motivated. in tune with my sense of self.
it's an interesting journey. how i imagine surfing would be. lots of peaks and valleys, and waiting. it feels like surfacing after getting caught in the undertow and being raked across the ocean floor. the feeling of finding oxygen is awesome, even though the subsequent coughing of water from lungs is not.
being offline is really starting to get to me. tomorrow verizon comes to tell me what is wrong.
i'm nearly certain that they're going to tell me that the phone lines are all dead in this apartment. to which i tell landlord to FUCK OFF already. because he is the one who said the apartment was dsl ready.
and if he told me wrong, there are not words for how pissed i'll be. because i already know that it costs $130 to get a line. and i could've been on faster internet two weeks ago. and not wasted all this time and dealt with all of this frustration.
i loathe verizon. i begged the cable company to not make me get cable, and just let me get broadband. to lower the price just a tad so i wouldn't be forced into verizon again. and they didn't do it. they wanted me to have cable tv. and it's not only a waste of money, but i never watch tv. so i got all stubborn and refused it and waited a week for the dsl kit to show up. and then it did. and didn't work. surprise, surprise.
i hate verizon. and the landlord.
i need to write him a letter. a real one. about the patching and the painting. about the refrigerator and the leak and the ants.
and tonight i heard a dog barking on the third floor.
and i was both surprised and pissed. i know it's not here all the time. it's probably her boyfriend's dog. she's rarely home as far as i can tell.
but i miss my dog. and the fact that there's a dog in the building after that shit fit he pitched with me? intolerable.
scattered again, but...
i found two new songs today. well, one is a demo of a death cab for cutie song, when ben gibbard was doing all-time quarterback.
underwater is one of my favorite songs by dcfc, i had a live version somewhere. but the demo is incredibly sad and low fi, just him and guitar and 4 track hum. and i must've listened to it eight times on repeat driving to delaware.
'you were my army and i would command,
"attack the holy land"
and you were that interstate that i would roll my tanks down
cover me stunned. wake the children, windham.
and keep the details in a jar and bury them underwater.'
also, in the same cd wallet that i discovered while unpacking, i had two damien rice cds i've never listened to.
the fourth song on 9 is amazing.
he screamingly sings 'fuck you' repeatedly.
and 'let me out'
and something else too, now i am forgetting. 'hate me'. ugh. memory of a gnat, this one... it is so full and appropriate.
in any case, the cd was very sad, and it was a perfectly gloomy day, so it was fitting. and i was back from delaware halfway through the cd, but was happy about that one song.
i don't know. i'm a mixed bag. i have the happy side. i've been around friends since the fam left. and that has felt good. because i've been laughing my ass off.
but talking to my sister has been up and down. i missed her a lot today. the drive wasn't nearly as much fun or as entertaining as when i took her with me.
work was good today. i accomplished a lot. and i'm grateful for that, because i was wondering if i was going to be able to snap out of vacation mode and get back to this.
i have a lot of work coming up, and i know that when i start to feel how i feel right now, that the pendulum is about to swing the other way.
as in, working ten hour days soon. i hate it. but i will survive it until things mellow a little and there is a changing of the guard.
i've been having crazy dreams.
and if i think about something before i go to sleep, i've been succeeding in dreaming about it. when i say something and it, i mean someone.
it's been different thoughts every night. different people. different situations. where my mind wanders when i can't sleep. thinking about people i miss. haven't talked to in a while. or otherwise.
last night the dream was about my sister. and i don't remember it at all now, but i woke up kindof upset, like something bad had happened to her in my dream. i instinctively wanted to call her, which is always what happens when i have bad dreams.
i was thinking about the doctor the other day, and about writing to him to see how he and his husband are doing. and then dreamt him that night.
if i can just keep ever out of my head, that will help. because that last dream was a little much.
i was talking to kit tonight. it's strange. the last couple of weeks, coffee has been surprisingly absent from my mind.
and i told her tonight that i wonder if it's just certain times when i am thinking about him and wondering why things never worked out. and that, because i have had a few weeks of not really concentrating my romantic energy on him, that maybe i shouldn't ask him anything at all.
and she told me that if i don't, she will.
because she can't take six more months of it. she can't take the gap from my trip home in a few weeks to christmas, hearing about a new rash of regrets and thoughts and musings.
she can't take it. and she won't.
and she added that nina will back her up.
it's funny, i don't like ganging up on people, or being ganged up on.
when these two finally meet, i think i'm done for.
i say that with the utmost love in my heart. but they both know me pretty well, and they know the hard decisions i have to make, and will have to make, and they also kinda know what's best for me. even if i sometimes don't.
and when they combine forces? i'm gonna be in biiiiig trouble.
nina's ticket here with me has been purchased. kit's ticket there has been purchased. kit has to get hers back. i have to get mine there.
but we're halfway to home, and we're making lists.
and it's too exciting. and i don't want to wait two months for it.
i want it now. like veruca salt, i want it all now.
and i'm planning and scheming in my mind. people i want to run into and people i want to meet up with.
and i have a feeling this two months is going to feel longer than it will take to get here.
if i just stay busy and work hard, i'll be okay.
it'll be here before i know it.
and i'll probably be drunk a few days before i go home, and kit will be pushing the send button on a text message asking coffee to a drink. because i don't think i'll physically be able to go through with it.
i'm mentally preparing myself, because it's going to take some time. i can talk myself into anything. and out of anything.
and i can regret like no one else i've ever met.
some days i want to do it, right when i think of it. before i change my mind.
and some days i think i won't get anything back.
and some days i think i'll bump into him there whether i get a response or not.
and some days i think he'll avoid me until he knows i am gone.
and some days i think i'll actually ask him.
and some days i think i might just kiss him.
and some days i think his girlfriend might get mad.
and some days i think his boyfriend might get mad.
and some days i think he's been waiting for me to kiss him.
and some days i think i'll show up expectantly waiting.
and some days i think he won't care enough to show up.
i hope i have good days before i head home. or the scales might tip in the pessimistic direction.
i hope i get closure. finally.
i hope that it doesn't make it worse.
the last thing i need is another december to inspire eighty five stories and imaginary endings.
no more decembers. i don't think i can take another. ever. again.
see kit? he's back. he snuck in the back door. and i didn't invite him. and i didn't notice until i thought he was gone. really, he was there all along. my immediate life clouds my brain and tricks me into thinking he's moved out. but he hasn't. he just lies dormant until the people who are active in my life fade a bit. like the thing in the corner that you couldn't see for shadows. when the light goes out and your eyes adjust, it is there.
and that is why i must do what must be done.
for once.
and for all.
homogenic. may 10th.
it's oh so quiet...
it's oh so still...
it is incredibly quiet here.
i realize how much i like silence.
i realize how much i like to be in the dark.
i really am a vampire. i think maybe i always have been.
i have always had a lamp i preferred to a light switched on in the room, since i was a child. reading books in the night long after my parents sent me to bed. even by flashlight.
though it's not from this album, i drove for a couple hours today, and homogenic was my soundtrack.
nina's songs. my songs. on repeat all day. and looping through my head since. it makes me smell champa. it takes me back to a bitterness at nineteen that was only the beginning. scorn. heartbreak. times when i would drive, screaming lyrics to no one in particular at the top of my lungs. hoping that some shitty boy somewhere far away would hear the song, and me singing it, and know what he had done.
i thought i could organize freedom. how scandinavian of me. that line...makes me wish i was scandinavian. but i'm just a germ.
i switched to weezer blue album after hearing homogenic at least six times through. which is nina and the beach. and always will be.
all weekend with my parents was ida will you find me. because it was mellow enough for them, and comfortable enough for me. i skipped through feedback, and sang only when i couldn't just listen.
before that was the nina mix disc one. really missing shannon hoon, and missing albums as good as girlfriend after girlfriend. and how the lemonheads will probably never fall to the wayside. it's a shame about ray was high school. and rest assured some time after. always robin and beekie, and even chris.
and before that was the nina mix disc two. which was also remniscent of beach days in college, with shaun, when we really should have been studying. or in class. driving around a hot city in what felt like an endless summer. singing harmonies nonstop. that dog, the rentals.
and my fall mix for months before that.
music has been key to this recovery so far, just as much as silence. the music is loud and condensed. the silence is long and drawn out.
i like silence in my living space. i like music pushed so loud that it makes mirrors vibrate in my car when i'm driving. especially with the windows down and my hair being blown to hell. and i like 55 songs of sigur in bed at night.
i really need a spring mix. by the time i make it, it will probably be a summer mix. stupid ever, with the keeping of the good computer.
i'm going to buckle. i'm going to buy a computer. i feel it coming, like i feel other things that are on their way.
i don't want my vacation time to end. i have now used up four days of my three weeks off. and i won't get more until next april.
and it's only may.
all day, i thought about the vacations.
and i talked to my long lost friend, and caught up with her. and she'll also be on the west coast, in sacramento, by the time i get out there in the fall.
that trip is gaining momentum. promising a tahoe visit in the winter is now becoming quite an adventure. i'm really getting pretty excited about it.
i went to work for a bit after dropping my parents off at the airport.
and smoked in the car more than usual, just because i could. making up for lost time.
and drove around with the windows down, because the weather is just incredible right now.
and to think that when i woke up this morning, i had a really hard time shaking a dream. really, two.
i slept very well last night. and right before i woke up the first time, in my sleep i was being properly kissed. he said, 'come here' in an incredibly nice voice, and leaned over me and just went for it. it was very salivary.
i'm nearly certain that i woke up with a smile on my face. it was quite nice.
but when i fell asleep after that dream was interrupted, i dreamt about ever.
and that hasn't happened too much since i left.
maybe only twice?
in any case, i went to the house, only it wasn't our house.
and opened his bedroom door. and he was in bed with not one girl, but two.
one had braces (he used to have a thing) and they were all in bed, looking at me, one was his ex girlfriend. and both of them were kindof laughing. like i was the one who was missing out. like the joke was on me. and like they stood to gain from my lapse in judgment.
and he was just laying there, like i was not only interrupting, but with a big stupid smile on his face. as if to say that he was having more fun without me.
and in the dream, i thought that he must've just needed a change in scenery, because he never made me smile like those girls.
and then i woke up from that.
at 730.
and was too disturbed to go back to sleep.
i guess i think that maybe all of this ever stuff is settling into my brain. thinking about him with anyone other than me. the fact that, from some place, he wants to be with someone other than me already. it's definitely getting to me, because it's in my subconscious. but in my waking life, it doesn't really bother me at all. mostly because i have wanted to be with someone other than him for years now. as far as he is concerned, i get angry occasionally. because i don't understand how you can tell someone you love them more than the world, and are in love with them, but still have no problem switching gears so quickly. despite the fact that i broke his heart. i suppose that i underestimate the power of a rebound.
but this wasn't just a boyfriend. this was a marriage.
if i think about me, it makes more sense. then again, i wasn't in love.
the urge to make out is getting to be unbearable. i'm really becoming convinced that i have forgotten how to kiss. it's horrifying.
he told me more than once that he was in love with two women at the same time. and i never believed him. because i don't believe that is possible. but he swore he was. and that he couldn't choose between them, because he was so in love with both of them. he kept it going with both of them for a long time. until they found out about each other.
my heart doesn't work that way. mine waxes and wanes. but there's only room enough to be in love with one person at a time.
and that is how it is that i think that i was never in love with him.
all of this relationship shit is really confusing to me. i think about what is normal to everyone but me. i think about trying to be 'normal' and that i believe i'll never succeed at that.
i think back to my factory settings and i think that i am who i am, and that i will never change. and to continue to be vigilant, because if i don't, i'll end up in a mess. again.
uncharted waters are scary and i just have to take things slowly.
but deprivation is hell. and it's not somewhere i see myself staying much longer. as long as i keep it to things other than relationships, i will be okay.
again, with the desire to be hypnotized.
to separate heart from brain, heart from lips. i just want to feel again. i want to be felt again. i want the sickness in my stomach that is a drug to me. washing my brain and becoming a need. the need to be wanted. the wish to be with someone who wishes to be with me. or, really, who will just indulge me. lips and hands and feet.
like everything else in the last six months, i want it to be fast. i want the divorce and return to boys to be a band aid that i rip off. and it just can't be.
i cannot rush this.
i will not.
it's oh so still...
it is incredibly quiet here.
i realize how much i like silence.
i realize how much i like to be in the dark.
i really am a vampire. i think maybe i always have been.
i have always had a lamp i preferred to a light switched on in the room, since i was a child. reading books in the night long after my parents sent me to bed. even by flashlight.
though it's not from this album, i drove for a couple hours today, and homogenic was my soundtrack.
nina's songs. my songs. on repeat all day. and looping through my head since. it makes me smell champa. it takes me back to a bitterness at nineteen that was only the beginning. scorn. heartbreak. times when i would drive, screaming lyrics to no one in particular at the top of my lungs. hoping that some shitty boy somewhere far away would hear the song, and me singing it, and know what he had done.
i thought i could organize freedom. how scandinavian of me. that line...makes me wish i was scandinavian. but i'm just a germ.
i switched to weezer blue album after hearing homogenic at least six times through. which is nina and the beach. and always will be.
all weekend with my parents was ida will you find me. because it was mellow enough for them, and comfortable enough for me. i skipped through feedback, and sang only when i couldn't just listen.
before that was the nina mix disc one. really missing shannon hoon, and missing albums as good as girlfriend after girlfriend. and how the lemonheads will probably never fall to the wayside. it's a shame about ray was high school. and rest assured some time after. always robin and beekie, and even chris.
and before that was the nina mix disc two. which was also remniscent of beach days in college, with shaun, when we really should have been studying. or in class. driving around a hot city in what felt like an endless summer. singing harmonies nonstop. that dog, the rentals.
and my fall mix for months before that.
music has been key to this recovery so far, just as much as silence. the music is loud and condensed. the silence is long and drawn out.
i like silence in my living space. i like music pushed so loud that it makes mirrors vibrate in my car when i'm driving. especially with the windows down and my hair being blown to hell. and i like 55 songs of sigur in bed at night.
i really need a spring mix. by the time i make it, it will probably be a summer mix. stupid ever, with the keeping of the good computer.
i'm going to buckle. i'm going to buy a computer. i feel it coming, like i feel other things that are on their way.
i don't want my vacation time to end. i have now used up four days of my three weeks off. and i won't get more until next april.
and it's only may.
all day, i thought about the vacations.
and i talked to my long lost friend, and caught up with her. and she'll also be on the west coast, in sacramento, by the time i get out there in the fall.
that trip is gaining momentum. promising a tahoe visit in the winter is now becoming quite an adventure. i'm really getting pretty excited about it.
i went to work for a bit after dropping my parents off at the airport.
and smoked in the car more than usual, just because i could. making up for lost time.
and drove around with the windows down, because the weather is just incredible right now.
and to think that when i woke up this morning, i had a really hard time shaking a dream. really, two.
i slept very well last night. and right before i woke up the first time, in my sleep i was being properly kissed. he said, 'come here' in an incredibly nice voice, and leaned over me and just went for it. it was very salivary.
i'm nearly certain that i woke up with a smile on my face. it was quite nice.
but when i fell asleep after that dream was interrupted, i dreamt about ever.
and that hasn't happened too much since i left.
maybe only twice?
in any case, i went to the house, only it wasn't our house.
and opened his bedroom door. and he was in bed with not one girl, but two.
one had braces (he used to have a thing) and they were all in bed, looking at me, one was his ex girlfriend. and both of them were kindof laughing. like i was the one who was missing out. like the joke was on me. and like they stood to gain from my lapse in judgment.
and he was just laying there, like i was not only interrupting, but with a big stupid smile on his face. as if to say that he was having more fun without me.
and in the dream, i thought that he must've just needed a change in scenery, because he never made me smile like those girls.
and then i woke up from that.
at 730.
and was too disturbed to go back to sleep.
i guess i think that maybe all of this ever stuff is settling into my brain. thinking about him with anyone other than me. the fact that, from some place, he wants to be with someone other than me already. it's definitely getting to me, because it's in my subconscious. but in my waking life, it doesn't really bother me at all. mostly because i have wanted to be with someone other than him for years now. as far as he is concerned, i get angry occasionally. because i don't understand how you can tell someone you love them more than the world, and are in love with them, but still have no problem switching gears so quickly. despite the fact that i broke his heart. i suppose that i underestimate the power of a rebound.
but this wasn't just a boyfriend. this was a marriage.
if i think about me, it makes more sense. then again, i wasn't in love.
the urge to make out is getting to be unbearable. i'm really becoming convinced that i have forgotten how to kiss. it's horrifying.
he told me more than once that he was in love with two women at the same time. and i never believed him. because i don't believe that is possible. but he swore he was. and that he couldn't choose between them, because he was so in love with both of them. he kept it going with both of them for a long time. until they found out about each other.
my heart doesn't work that way. mine waxes and wanes. but there's only room enough to be in love with one person at a time.
and that is how it is that i think that i was never in love with him.
all of this relationship shit is really confusing to me. i think about what is normal to everyone but me. i think about trying to be 'normal' and that i believe i'll never succeed at that.
i think back to my factory settings and i think that i am who i am, and that i will never change. and to continue to be vigilant, because if i don't, i'll end up in a mess. again.
uncharted waters are scary and i just have to take things slowly.
but deprivation is hell. and it's not somewhere i see myself staying much longer. as long as i keep it to things other than relationships, i will be okay.
again, with the desire to be hypnotized.
to separate heart from brain, heart from lips. i just want to feel again. i want to be felt again. i want the sickness in my stomach that is a drug to me. washing my brain and becoming a need. the need to be wanted. the wish to be with someone who wishes to be with me. or, really, who will just indulge me. lips and hands and feet.
like everything else in the last six months, i want it to be fast. i want the divorce and return to boys to be a band aid that i rip off. and it just can't be.
i cannot rush this.
i will not.
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