one month, to the day... may 25th.

four hours of time to wind down before going to bed to get up for work is not enough.

day two. not fun.


i decided to go back through online photo albums today.

i got back to the trip home in december.

and from there, all the way back in time.

seeing ever in photographs, and things dated 03.23.03 made my stomach hurt.


everything is just so foreign to me now. it's crazy.

i keep feeling lately like he has joined forces with the web design guy and hacked into my email account or facebook account or something. anything.

maybe it's because of nina's friend's drama.

but i keep wondering if, because my email is through his business, he has access.


i've always been paranoid. my whole life. but this feeling is strange.

if he did, i sure hope he read the ecard nina sent me yesterday. it was the best one in a long time...

'my lawyer is going to fuck you more than i ever cared to'

i was DYING laughing on the phone with her when she told me she sent it.


anway, i wonder if the reason he is being such an asshole is because he knows what i'm really thinking. because he is reading it all.


i have been incredibly careful.

but just like how he flipped out over pictures that i eventually hid from his view, i worry that he is seeing something i didn't think to hide.

files i might have left on the computer at the house. or deleted but forgot to empty from the recycle bin.

i'm not a good liar. i never have been. i'm not good at covering my tracks.

and i never had a reason to until now.


i was talking to kit about him this weekend.

she said that ever was most likely able to see that his profile was viewed when that whole dating site thing happened, because i really want to know if he knows that i know about it. it makes me feel good to have this card up my sleeve for use at some later date when i need it.

only i don't think that i do. i feel like when i go to use the secret hidden card, i'll drop it or something. and he'll just laugh, because it was a joke. or a trick. without significance.

all i know is that the site is designed to show you who is looking at your information.

which is pretty scary, for future reference.

as far as i'm concerned.

it all makes me want to make up a fake profile and just snoop around.

but i also believe that it would keep me up at night, if i did that.

i don't want to know who is looking at me.

i don't want people to know that i'm looking at them.

yuck!


everything is so weird right now.


everything at work is broken or breaking.

two things a day, on average. i'm up to six things since last friday. doors are falling off of things.


(this is another very scattered post. i'm trying to tie it together now, and i'm shaking my head at myself, because i can't even follow my thought process from last night!)



what nina is being subjected to, because of her choice in a friend, is out of control. it terrifies me, and it's not even my life. and i keep thinking of little shreds of what is happening to her friend, and wondering if it is happening to me, or could, or would. if ever would be so angry at any point to do something like that.


what's worse is that i'm so tired, i don't know if i'm overthinking or overreacting to things right now. and because i don't have to know, i can't remember if this is the time when hormones are making act all crazy, or if i'm just acting all crazy on my own accord. i've been off birth control since i guess february. i can't remember. so i have nothing to tell me when i'm naturally or artifically pissed off.


(i called it. eating everything in the house after day three of thinking 'man, i'm in a bad mood' is the dead giveaway. and being extra super tired...)


i'm so tired. completely exhausted.

and all i can think about, when i try to go to sleep at night, is coffee.

what if, just like my manic/depressive cycles, i have manic coffee/depressive coffee cycles?


i know i just wrote a week or two ago that i didn't think about him at all. i had other distractions. i literally did not think of him.

but, as always, that fades. and then i'm right back where i left off. which is where i cannot NOT think about him.

i really think about it for a few hours a night. two, maybe. possibly more. i mostly think about what will happen when i go home again.


tonight i ran into the picture my sister took of us talking.

and it's his SMILE. i cannot let go of it. it looks so real. it looks so genuinely happy. i know how i felt, lightheaded and giddy, talking to him.


but something else happened this week that i am both incredibly jealous of, and that has fucked me in the head, royally, in this aspect.

perhaps this is why the smile matters to me at all anymore, after the night he smiled it.


kit got a phone call. i hope she doesn't mind me posting this.


(if you do, tell me - i'll take it down)


she got a phone call. from this guy she was friends with nine years ago, or something like that.

they were like best friends, i think. but there was one night of making out somewhere back then.

and he called her, just sunday. as in a couple days ago.

and he told her that he is in love with her.

and that he can't be with anyone else, because all he can think about is that night nine years ago. all he can think about is her.

and he called her just to tell her that.

two days ago.

after being out of touch. for years.


and when i look at that picture of coffee, and when i think about that conversation wherein the photo was taken, i can kid myself into thinking he'd say something like that to me.

but when i'm laying in bed at night, awake, thinking about it, he never says that. at best, we end up curled up together in what i imagine his bed to be like. in the little fantasy, for lack of a better word.

there's no girlfriend to hide from. he just invites me over and we fall asleep like we did all those years ago.

and at its sexiest, i can only imagine his hand under the bottom of my shirt, on my bare belly. i can imagine kissing his neck, i know i did that once, but it was so subtle i don't know that he noticed. i was nuzzled, so...

but everything else? everything else is beyond what my little brain can even imagine.


so... why? why do i think that this is even what i want?

i honestly do not know.

i mean, i can't have some future boyfriend scenario when i can't even imagine making out or having sex with this guy. right? much less, how to conduct a boyfriend scenario when i live six states away. maybe if i kissed him one little time, i'd be able to imagine making out with him. and all it takes is one night of making out to starting thinking about getting carried away.

last night, i was wondering if he ever got over his hangups in bed. one of the things i loved about him was that he matched me in the inexperience department. i think sex scared him. and i was just a prude. but regardless, it was a priority to neither of us. and i'm sure we both lost our fair share of contenders because we wouldn't sleep with them.


but surely, at the brink of 40, he has to have gotten over it, right?

i mean, if i wasn't married, would i have?

something makes me think my answer is no. because here i am, almost not married, and i'm not over them.

and if i'm the same, in that respect, could he be, too?


what if i went home? what if i went home and told him that i am free? what if i went home and told him that i am free and that i think about him sometimes?

what if i called him up, like this boy who called kit, and said that i was in love with him?

I WOULD NEVER.

but i'm just playing pretend right now.

what if i did it?

i mean, there's only one way to know.

and i'm not willing to do that.


because, just like with kit, saying those words to someone doesn't mean that they feel the same way. not in the least. not that she thinks this boy is nuts or crazy, but it certainly shocked her, and from what i gathered in the three minutes she talked about it, she doesn't feel that way about him.

but if she chooses to tell him, he will know.

and that's the thing.


how do i say something that would put it out there, without putting it all on the line?

and more importantly, how would he react? would there be eight more years of not hearing from him? will i be 75 and going home looking for him?


and how could he not care enough to start a game with me, or friend me first, or call me, or anything, if he felt anything that remotely resembled interest?

the conclusion i repeatedly have come to is that he doesn't feel anything for me. except the rush of adrenaline thinking 'she still likes me. after all this time'.

before he knew that i was married, he could so easily have said something to me if he wanted to. if he thought about me as much as i think about him. or even if it was only one time.

even if it was just the slightest curiosity.


fairytale-ending tea wants to believe that there is SOMETHING. some hint of truth to what he said when he saw me, about so many good memories with me. and beyond that, wanting to make a few more.


but, obviously, he doesn't drudge up his past as often as i do, and obviously he didn't write books about me like i wrote about him. so he can't consult his notes like i can.


what am i going to do? i feel so lost over this thing.

i am terrified. i am so afraid of saying anything to him. in my little trying-to-fall-asleep-at-night scenarios, i never allude to any of this.

it's just us talking. about our lives and about our relationships.

but we never broach the subject of what the two of us had, if you could even call it that. more likely, what the two of us were afraid to attempt. and the fun we had while we didn't attempt it.


how do you tell someone that you settled, because you couldn't have them? because they never paid attention to you?

that's the bottom line for me.


do you tell them?

or do you leave it lurking below the surface, where it's been barely breathing for the last twelve years?

i can't do it.


i don't have a plan. perhaps it is my sagittarian spirit that refuses to plan for this.

but in one month from today, i will be taking off in an airplane. right now, exactly.

and two hours from now, in one month, i will be home.


and i have to say, that if i don't get this question of 'will you grab a drink with me' out of the way in those first four days i'm home, i won't do it.

i know it.

because the day i fly back is his birthday. and he has a lot of friends who will want to share it with him.

this might be the most poorly timed trip home ever, in that respect. but i couldn't time this trip around his birthday. i mean, i have spoken to him once in the last eight years.

how crazy am i?

what the fuck?


this week is about going through it all. with a fine tooth comb. shit with ever. shit with my emotional well-being, or lack thereof. and shit with coffee. i miss my shrink. work has fucked me over to where i can't go see her. and i feel like i need to. it's been a rough few weeks since i was there.


anyway, this is my last chance to really think about it before i act on it.

i have four weeks.


last night, i remembered heima.

my need to take it home in my new suitcase.

the fucking DESIRE i feel in my stomach to make him watch it with me.

to casually lean back on his chest. to maybe even hold his hand during the saddest parts, like i used to.


he wouldn't have to know that i'd been planning it for a year.

he wouldn't have to hear my heart beating out of my chest.

he wouldn't have to know that i'd be crying over him, not the music, when heysatan and the stone marimba parts played.


he wouldn't have to know anything.

ramen. may 23rd.

back to comfort foods, i guess.

i think i might be starting to slip a little. lose my mind a bit.

i'm not sure what is happening in my brain, but it goes something like this:

i have lost my ability to parallel park.

i am letting ever get to me. as in, psyche me out. he's being a dick, and he's saying things that i'm mostly certain are aimed at letting me know that his lawyer advised him to say it.

after he said on the phone that he would respond to my email (the one i posted with all the emotional bullshit), he didn't. today i got an email from him stating that he called me at 110pm on friday, may 21st, and that i did not return his call.

who does that?

he elected to put that in writing? i told nina today. i don't know how i was ever married to him! really... this person i'm interacting with right now? not recognizable as the same person. not in the least.

he's crossed the line from being a piece of shit husband to being a total douchebag. i don't like it. and there's nothing i can do about it.

i asked if one of his lawyers knows of a mediator so we can try to go about it that way. he didn't respond to that at all.

yesterday twice, and once today, i had an optical migraine. i don't know the last time i had one, it's probably been years. but it makes me very dizzy and disoriented. it only lasts for a second or two, but there's a lasting feeling that doesn't go away for a while. everything tumbles clockwise or counter-clockwise. kinda like when i drink way too much vodka.

today it happened at kit's. yesterday once when i was in my car, but not driving it, and again in front of the computer.

and there was this thing that happened on friday night.

i don't know what it was. but i was sitting outside, and thought the cars were driving on the wrong side of the road. i looked to see who they were driving around. there was no car double parked. and then i realized that they were in fact on the right side of the road. and i couldn't understand why i thought that they weren't.


so. i feel like my brain is having issues right now.


i went to bed last night feeling fine.

i woke up at 5 because i was sweating and my heart was racing. only not from a nightmare.

i fell back asleep, and woke up at 730 the same way.

i got up at 9.


i don't know.

i'm dreading tomorrow at work.

i already know i'm not going to sleep tonight. when something changes with work, that i'm stressed about or focused on, it messes up my sleep.

i start sandwiches tomorrow. and i will be making sandwiches in my sleep all night tonight. i just know it.

and i'll wake up completely exhausted to go to work for 9 hours, after i worked in my sleep for 8 hours.


and after that successful (in my humble opinion) short story i wrote, the second one i started was not working at all. so i'm scrapping it.

and now i can't think of another song that inspires me as much as rootless tree. not a single one.

and that's a bummer.

i made a few minor edits to stardust. or, the story formerly referred to as stardust. and looked into some self-publishing info the writer sent to me.

and then have all but finished editing the entire blogs-worth of book. all three hundred pages of it. it's over 131k words! IT IS INSANE. at what point do i call it a wrap?

i wanted to make it so that it's done when the divorce is done.

but i can't have a 200 or 300k word book. no one will ever read that!

i guess i have to edit myself, cut stuff out that is less applicable, omit stories that are not as strong.


so, yeah. this bowl of ramen is not what i should be eating. the beer i'm going to drink when i finish this is also probably not a good idea. the bowl of home fries i had for brunch rounds out my carb-a-thon.

oh, saint atkins, guardian of lower bmi, grant me the strength to start this diet sometime this week. i have to stop the madness. stop with the sweets, and drink jack and diet instead of beer. stop with the popcorn (it had been months without it) and go back to eating pepperoni as a snack. i think i've eaten five bags of chips in total since i moved into this apartment. almost two a week. disgusting.

just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. of course, so does the 'diet'.

all in the name of a little string bikini. good god. i should do what the girl in that yogurt commercial did. put the bikini on the mirror, and stare at it longingly while i shove meat and cheese and lettuce into my mouth.


suffice it to say, today was a shitty day. i feel like getting into bed and not getting out. i don't want to deal with anything. i don't want to talk. i don't want to field legal advice from ever. i don't want to wake up in the morning. i don't want to ride my bike.

the only good things that happened today were shrouded in frustration.

first, i got my thao-mirah tickets. i cannot WAIT. like, really really cannot wait.

and on my way back to my car, stopped in the art supply store for 5 brand new micron pens. all of mine got mixed in with shit at the house. so i treated myself.

they are my favorite. i spent $12 on them, and i'm very happy. i even got a blue one and a brown one.

pay no attention to the hour i spent in the car getting something like 40 blocks from home to get them. just the end result.

one month til thao. swoon...

all dressed up. may 21st.

it's a new trend.

cleaning the apartment on friday nights. shave and a shower after. putting on a dress.

and staying in.

i don't know why i clean. i suppose it's just for me. i had to do something. it was getting sloppy again.

also, i emailed the landlord a much nicer email than the one i posted weeks ago.

it will be interesting to see what he says, what he does.

beer number two for the first time this week.

i'm kinda hungry.

i'm hungry for a lot of things, it's true. but i'd settle for a burger and fries.

only it's late, and i don't feel like leaving.


ever was supposed to call me tonight. to discuss leases.

guess he realized that i'm not as dumb as he thinks. that just because he says people are not living there and are not paying rent, doesn't make it the case.

i didn't think about the fact that he also wouldn't have to pay me if he wasn't collecting rent.

he says he is going to the property management company tomorrow morning. he'd better not call and wake me up. i should probably turn off my phone now.

i half expected him to call me around 1030. just to see if i was out or available to talk.

he likes to do that.

i separated out his cds from my four monstrous cases this week. the day before i had my puppy play date.

i took him a bag of his keepsake stuff. and warned him when i passed it off.

mostly it was stuff of his he'd put with mine. things that belonged to his father that he inherited when he died. old pictures of dead friends. things of that nature.

i got the cable for my ipod and a few of the blank cds i'd left at the house. he doesn't realize that it was new when i left him, and that he only gave me a quarter of them. but i'll take it. not worth mentioning.

i have all that i need.

other than these things, my day was insignificant.

i ran around a lot today at work. and came home early to get some things accomplished. which i did.

and then watched tv online.

same as yesterday. or the day before. i can't remember. i had several episodes of lost, the office, and modern family to see. and i did. it felt good to laugh. and cry.

i realized that i missed one or two fringe that aren't up anymore. so i don't want to finish off the season, because i don't want to miss what was in the middle.


yeah.

loneliness sets in.

a boy from work asked me to go to a play tonight. he knows ever, and the situation. he said that he's happy to drag me out if that is what i need. he went through a five or six year breakup right before i left ever. so he knows.

i guess i was too afraid of it feeling like a date to go. he's a customer, too. so it was easier to say no.

but i should have gone.

at least then i could have dressed up. and had somewhere to go. and someone to talk with.


again. with the thing where i keep myself from doing things that would be fun.

maybe i'm punishing myself.

maybe i am afraid of fun with someone i don't know too well.

maybe i am afraid of boys.


i saw 1111 at work today. i think i wished for the next game of scrabble. second time this week i saw it. i think the first wish was to pass the inspection.

at least i got the first one. and now, for the the third time this week, i'm making a wish.

but i can't say what it is, or it won't come true...

rootless tree.

a short story.

i knew it was wrong.

i knew what it would mean.

but i did it anyway.

to call it cheating is too simple.

because i wasn't cheating myself out of anything.

i was treating myself.


i met her one day, in a park.

it was sunny and cool. she was walking her dog. i was walking my dog.

when we passed each other in opposite directions, she caught my eye. and as if darwin knew what i was thinking, he sniffed out her dog and started to whimper.

she spoke easily, 'hey... i think they like each other.'

she stopped and i stopped, and we let them get to know one another.

i smiled. i was without words. i became awkward, and blushing.

i didn't want to stammer. i wanted to be smooth.

it took half a minute to come up with something that wouldn't give me away.

'this is darwin. what's her name?'

she kneeled down and rubbed her dog's neck, looking up at me, squinting in the sun.

'this is gretta.'

she stood up and held out her hand. a thin red string bracelet was tied to her slight wrist, a gold rectangle dangling from it, glinting in the sun. i hated my palms for going sweaty on me, in an effort to derail my plan to make a good first impression. nervous sweaty guy is not what i was going for.

i took her hand lightly, without shaking it. we spoke at the same time in an effort to introduce ourselves, and both laughed. i was nervous. she seemed completely at ease. i liked her immediately.

'i'm david,' i said.

'hi, david,' she told me her name after that, but i was so entranced with the way she said my name through her smile that i missed it completely. she'd now told me twice, and i didn't catch it either time.

i was trying to think of a way to ask her to repeat it for a third time, but couldn't come up with one.

our pets lost interest in each other, and darwin was tugging hard on the leash.

'i guess i'm leaving now. it was nice to meet you. i'll see you around?'

she nodded and smiled, patting darwin on the head before tossing a smile over her shoulder in my direction. i only knew this because i had turned to watch her walk away from me.

about a block later, we were alone on the street.

'goddammit,' i said aloud, not really to darwin, more to myself.

i always managed to fuck things up when it counted.

we walked toward our house, but i was taking my time.


to say that i was in no rush to get home was an understatement. i'd left in an attempt to cool down. and, opening the front door, the heat was cranked to an uncomfortable level.

mina was standing in the kitchen when i stepped in, kicked off my shoes, and unhooked the leash from darwin's neck.

'you get over yourself while you were out there? your dinner is cold.'

she shoved a plate of cold food across the bar in my general direction. from the look in her eyes, she'd have been happier throwing it on the floor at my feet, hoping the broken glass would slice my feet, just to make a point.

i was at a loss for words. the woman from the park was smiling at me in my mind's eye, but i came back quickly. mina was staring me down with a significant crinkle between her eyebrows. her arms were crossed and her hands were clutching the hem of her shirt on her hips.

'you know what? i am trying. okay, david? i've been trying for a long time to let you have your space when you say that you need it. but it's not getting us any closer to being on the page we need to be on.'

she'd caught me off guard. i stammered, 'i-i'm sorry, okay, mina? shit! i just needed to cool off. i didn't mean to miss dinner.'

as the words fell out of my mouth, i thought about what i had done. we'd had an argument. i left specifically to miss dinner. and then i'd met someone. someone i intended to run into again.

i left because i didn't want to sit across from her. i didn't want to eat in silence. not when she'd be sitting across from me. i didn't have the stomach for it. i stuck the plate in the microwave and reheated my dinner. i took a bite from the bread roll, rendered rubbery. par for the course.

i sat down at the dining room table alone while she rinsed her plate. lately, she'd stopped waiting for me. she'd been eating without me.

glass clinked in the dishwasher as she fit things in snugly. she always reorganized the racks when i tried to help with the dishes. i had since stopped trying to help.

she stood at the counter, looking at me over the bar. her hands were little fists, hard pressed against the edge of the granite. the diamond caught the light and blinked at me.

'i don't want to argue,' her voice was tired and her eyes were puffy.

i talked around the mouthful of food i'd forked in at the perfect time.

'ee neifer.'

she shook her head, so slightly that if i hadn't been staring her down, i wouldn't have noticed. i know she thinks i'm unrefined. i know that it bothers her. i once overheard her tell a friend on the phone that i was her little caveman.

her arms dropped to her side, and she walked toward the bedroom.

the sun was setting. it was too early to be going to bed. we'd taken the tv out of the bedroom at her suggestion to spice up our time in bed. it meant that, more often than not, i was in the living room well past the time she went to lay down, in an effort to put my head to sleep so my body would follow suit.

i finished my food slowly, thinking about the fact that i was in no rush to go to bed. in no rush for the cold shoulder. in no rush to stare at her back. things were slow for me, lately. i was taking my time.

by the time i rinsed my plate and put the dishes into the dishwasher, she was already under the covers with her eyes closed. i knew she would undo it the next day. but better to try than to have her bitch about the dirty dishes i left in the sink.

she wasn't asleep. to her credit, she wasn't pretending to be. she was merely expressing her intention.

i missed her. i missed the old mina. the mina i married.

she was so angry all of the time. i knew a few of the ways i'd disappointed her, as a husband. and i also knew the ways that she disappointed me as my wife. but neither of us ever brought it up, unless it was the part of an argument where we started to say mean things to each other in an effort to end it.

but we were married. and to this point, neither of us took the concept of marriage lightly.


i wished i could go back and remember how it was that i made her happy. how it was that i was excited to see her everyday, not make up errands to run in an effort to spend less time taking the heat.

i didn't care that i was still in my jogging shorts and tee shirt. i climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling.

i tried to stay on my side of the bed. but i felt like that was the wrong thing to do.

i tried to put my arm around her waist. when my hand made contact, she jumped violently, and scooted her body to the edge of the bed. i rolled over, defeated.

'mina, please. what can i do to fix this? i hate this.'

'you can't do anything, david. you can't do anything.'

she switched off the light. the bed shook slightly as she cried herself to sleep.

she didn't shut down on me in the beginning. she was always shutting down on me these days.


i woke up angry, the same way i'd gone to sleep, thinking the same thoughts. how do you force someone to start again when they shut down? how do you bring them back to the beginning when things were good, and open?

mina was under a lot of stress, all the time. she worked long days, and some nights. there was a time when i would ask her about her day. but that time had come and gone. she eventually told me to stop asking, because she didn't want to think about work once she was home.

at first, it was once a week that she'd get caught late. then it was three.

there was a time when i thought she was fucking around on me. one night when she said she had to work late, i stopped for takeout and carried it to her office. i felt sick, but wore a smile. i was determined to put my mind at ease.

and when i let myself into the suite, she was at her desk, working. no one else was in the office.

and the fake smile became real.

and she was grateful.

that was one of the last things i did for her that was appreciated. one of the last good memories.

i hadn't even picked up anything for myself. i honestly expected her to not be there. i expected to eat what i'd bought. or drop it on the floor in shock when i saw someone trying to 'help' her with her work in the office late at night.

i sat with her at her desk, while she cried between bites. as horrible as it was, watching her eat slowly with a quivering chin, and as relieved as i was, i carried the conversation and made her laugh. she blew her nose every third bite.

when she finished eating, she asked where my food was. i told her i wasn't hungry. it was the first time i lied to her with ease.

she'd proven me wrong. she'd put my mind at ease.

i stopped on the way back home for my dinner. i ate alone when i got home. i hid the trash in the garbage can outside.

i was setting us up.

i followed one deceitful action with a few more.

she called when i was laying in bed to tell me that she wasn't done yet, and not to worry, that she'd be home soon. she thanked me again for dinner.

i told her goodnight.

it was the beginning of the end. i think that she saw through my gesture. because after that, things were not the same.


when i woke up in the morning, angry, still in my running clothes, she was gone. i didn't know how i'd missed her waking or getting ready or leaving.

but she was gone. i smelled her perfume, which was the last thing she did to ready herself before she walked out the door.

'mina?'

nothing.

it was saturday. i got up and drank the cup of coffee she'd left on the burner for me.

darwin was looking at me expectantly.

'yeah, buddy. i know. gimme a minute, okay?'

he started pacing around the kitchen. he'd sit near the fridge and stare at me. walk to the door and stare at me. we had this standoff every morning. he didn't bark or whine. he knew i'd get up when i was done with the coffee, put on my shoes, and take him for his first walk of the day.

i skimmed the paper while i sipped. i couldn't concentrate on the stories. i was drinking faster than usual.

i remembered gretta's walker from yesterday. my stomach dropped.

i set my empty mug in the sink and put my shoes on. darwin panted.

then i looked down. i couldn't wear the same thing again. i walked quickly into the bedroom, grabbed another shirt, different shorts, and changed quickly.


when i got to the door, he had his leash in his mouth. i latched it, and we left.

i was wondering if i should walk a different way, the same way, or even go to the park. maybe it was best to avoid her altogether today.

after the night i had, and the way i felt upon waking, i didn't want to avoid her at all.

as we turned the corner and headed toward the park, darwin started barking - gretta. gretta and her nameless owner. he tugged me toward her.


'morning,' she said, smiling with her teeth.

it was nice to be smiled at. i didn't realize how much i'd been missing it lately.

'hey,' was all i could manage.

'think it's okay if we let them run a bit?'

'i think so.'

we bent down in unison and unlatched leashes from collars. gretta and darwin sprinted into the field in the park, and took turns chasing each other.


i leaned against the top edge of the wrought iron fence that divided the field from the playground.

she stood close to me. i smelled her warm skin and fought a smile.

'so, what are you guys doing today?' she asked, following the dogs with her gaze as they ran from end to end.

'i don't know.'

this wasn't true. i'd forgotten, was all. this would have been the perfect chance to say, 'when my wife gets home from work...'

but i didn't. instead, i put my right hand on top of my left to block her view of my ring finger.

'he calls the shots. i just do what he says.'

she laughed at my stupid joke.

mina was in the habit of rolling her eyes lately.


if you'd asked me the day before i met this woman, if i was looking to meet a woman, or wanting to meet a woman, i'd have said no. and that would have been the honest truth.

if you'd asked me the day before i met this woman if i would ever, for any reason, ever think of being unfaithful to my wife, i'd have said no. and that also would have been the truth.

but standing next to her, smiling and laughing in my direction, it changed all of that.


it was my luck that someone she knew walked by at that precise moment.

'hey, kate!'

and now i knew her name. i wasn't paying attention to their conversation, and then she was saying goodbye to me. she called gretta, who came running obediently.

i waved goodbye to the woman to whom i was forever indebted.

that morning was short lived. darwin wore himself out chasing tail. in a way, i'd done the same.

as we walked home from the park, i smiled. i couldn't help it.

as we neared the house, the smile melted away. i shouldn't be smiling.

i was already planning a way to see her again.


a couple weeks later, we'd learned a lot about each other. we'd taken to letting the dogs run around off their leashes, watching from a park bench.

she was curious - she asked a lot of questions.

sometimes the questions were light, sometimes they were flirtatious. sometimes the questions were pointed, sometimes they were weighted.

anything that she asked me, i would ask the same of her.

she worked from home. she woke up every morning and went for a walk.

so did i.

she drank too much coffee, she ate snacks in bed.

i didn't, and i wasn't allowed to.

she went for a run every night. and then took gretta for a short walk after, to cool down.

this was my in.

i was in the same habits. how i'd never seen her was beyond me. we practically lived the same life.

'we should go for a run together sometime,' i said, trying to sound casual. 'i usually run from six to seven. i've been wanting to take the new path along the river.'

'i run that path a lot. it would be nice to run it with someone,' she said, winking at me.

i was done for.


the next day, i didn't see her in the morning. but at six o'clock, we met at the beginning of the path.

it was strange to not have dogs to attend to. it was just me and her. all other focus and distraction was removed.

she was stretching when i walked up. i walked slowly, watching her. i wondered if she was doing it for me, only she didn't see me come up from behind.

as she uprighted herself, she turned and faced me.

'hey, david.'

'hi, kate. shall we?'

'i'm not going to lie, david. i run fast. think you can keep up?'

i laughed, thinking of eight things to say that were all innuendos. i settled for, 'i'll try.'

and she took off, but i didn't have a problem pacing her.

halfway through the path, the conversation slowed; we were both winded and sentences were choppy.

there was a crossbreeze grazing the river, and it was a perfect evening for a run. we slowed down to a brisk walk.

'i didn't think this through. i'm getting hungry and we still have to run all the way back.'

'there's a cafe a block from the path. we can grab a sandwich. wanna head back now?'

she stopped, and doubled over, catching her breath. she had her hands on her knees, and a bead of sweat followed her nose and dropped to the sidewalk. even her sweat got under my skin.

'alright. let's go.'

whether it was the initial slower pace or the pause that gave her the energy, i didn't know. maybe it was the sandwich waiting at the cafe, but we made it back in half the time.


i held the door for her, a bell chimed when it swung open.

we stood in the path of the air conditioning vent in front of the menu board. i was eying the pastrami, it had been a while since i'd had one.

'i'll have the pastrami,' she said, without hesitation.

a breath escaped my mouth.

'a woman after my own heart... that's what i was going to have.'

'well, maybe you should reconsider. i'll give you half of mine. get something else.'

'what else do you like, kate?' i was being forward.

she turned her head quickly in my direction. a smile crept.

'well, david, i don't see it on the menu.'

there was no margin for error - she was flirting.

after a pause, while my heart rate recovered, she said that she liked almost anything.

'i'll have the club, please.'

we fanned ourselves with printed menus while our sandwiches were made.

i pulled cash from my zipper pocket, and bought our dinner.

kate pulled cash out, but i pushed her hand back toward her pocket. the deflection was the first contact i'd had with her since the handshake that wasn't a handshake. i recoiled.

as i paid, i wondered what mina was having for dinner. another late night at the office. probably cookies from the coffee shop on the corner. she'd make a sandwich when she got home.

we drank water and swapped sandwich halves. the majority of the reason i wanted to take the path was to get farther from the house. out of my neighborhood. away from my neighbors.

i ate the club first, saving the pastrami for the end of the meal.

we were too hungry to eat slowly, and the fact that she was eating faster than i was turned me on. i dated mina for three months before she ordered something other than a salad. it used to frustrate the hell out of me.


the meal was silent.

i kicked back my chair and stretched my legs in her direction when my basket was empty.

'that?' i threw my napkin into my basket for emphasis. 'that was fantastic,'

she was wiping the corners of her mouth with the back of her hand.

through a mouthful of food, 'yeah,' and a sip of water, 'that hit the spot.'

she pushed back, and we stood up, collecting our trash.


walking back outside was an awakening.

it was dark, the streetlights were on. it was warm and humid.

'thanks for dinner, david. you didn't have to do that.'

'it was my pleasure.'

we were walking slower than we'd ever walked.

'well, i'm this way,' she threw her thumb over her shoulder.

'do you want me to walk with you? i don't mind.'

'i'm fine. thanks, though. i'll see you around.'

i thought for a second about whether it was appropriate to give her a hug, when she stepped toward me. she put her arms around my back, and squeezed me for a second. i didn't have time to register the information flooding my synapses. by the time i was raising my arms to hug her back, she was already breaking away.

'night,' she said, looking backwards over her shoulder at me.


i was glued to the sidewalk. i could not make my feet move. i watched her walk briskly away from me, caught myself staring, and turned to head home.


i don't know what i was thinking the short blocks home. there were flashes of her playing in my mind. kate stretching, kate shoveling food in her mouth, kate smiling, kate laughing, kate's pigtail swinging when she walked away from me.

i saw the two of us from the outside for a second. i must've looked like an idiot standing with my arms at my sides when she hugged me.

i wondered the rest of the way home what she thought of me.

did she know? did she sense it? did she feel it, too?

i was thinking about the ways that i could end up where she worked. or the ways she could end up where i worked.

i couldn't picture her in the house. i pictured myself in her apartment. only, i couldn't exactly ask for a cup of sugar.


as it turned out, i didn't even need a plan. there wasn't a chance for that.

mina went away for the weekend. i stayed home, trying to beat a deadline of my own. i had motivation to stay on task and finish my assignment: we were running the path again.

we met at the start.

half a mile in, a guy on rollerblades lost his balance and ran into me, full force. his momentum combined with mine made the two of us drop to the sidewalk.

'oh! david! jesus, are you okay?'

i was embarrassed, but said, 'yeah. i'm okay.'

the guy on the rollerblades hopped right up and apologized. he looked ridiculous in all those pads and that helmet, but he wasn't bleeding, so he won. the older guy was still dazed on the sidewalk. things started to hurt immediately.

i had fallen forward, but couldn't catch myself entirely. my knee and forearm scraped the asphalt of the path. when i stood up slowly and brushed myself off, i wasn't prepared for the amount of blood seeping from my knee.

she helped me up, and we doubled back the way we'd come.

'are you sure you're okay?'

'yeah, you know. it's just pride.' i was limping. i wasn't exaggerating.

she shook her head and laughed.

'come on...i'll get you cleaned up.'

i perked up as we walked toward her place.

she let us into the building, and led me down the hall. luckily there were no stairs to navigate, she lived on the first floor.

she unlocked and swung open the door, tossing her keys haphazardly onto the table just inside her door.

gretta didn't move from her napping place on the overstuffed couch in the living room. she raised her head, and put it back down, as if she wasn't interested in me at all.

'in here,' she said, walking toward the bathroom. she closed the lid on the toilet.

'sit,' she commanded.

i did as i was told.

she fished in the medicine cabinet for things you use on a man in his early middle age, who's scraped his knee.

'really, kate, this isn't necessary -'

she cut me off.

'david, i'm going to do this. sit still and try not to cry.'

she cut her eyes at me as she knelt on the tile floor, with a smile.

i pictured myself pushing her against the wall.

she put a cotton ball on the bottle of peroxide and inverted it.

'alright. ready?'

i nodded. she had no idea.

it stung. i'll admit. i bit my lip.

'son of a bitch!' as the blood started to fizzle and foam. she blew on my knee with her eyes closed.

she dabbed on some greasy ointment, very tenderly, adding a band-aid.

she barely touched me. she lightly touched each side of the band-aid to attach it to my bruising knee.

she stayed on her knee, with one leg bent under for another second, and smiled, brushing her hands.

'all better.'


she stood slowly, and stretched her hand out to me, helping me up for the second time. the palm of my hand was on fire from catching myself on the asphalt, yet i didn't flinch when she grabbed it.

'can i get you something to drink?' she offered, leading me to her kitchen. her place was not at all as i'd expected it to be, or imagined.

i knew that if i didn't leave soon, i'd start to make bad decisions.

'maybe just a little water.'

she poured two.

'ice?' she asked, opening the freezer.

'never.'


i drank quickly, in one continuous gulp.

while i had my head tipped back, i didn't see her moving. she worked very quickly. she poured two scotch rocks.


the sex was incredible.


i walked home with my head down. i'd get a shower. i'd go to bed. i'd wait for mina to come home in the morning.


we pushed the boundaries. we pushed our luck. we were running together three nights a week for two months. we were warming up for the run, almost every time.

i only ran with her when mina was working late.


one night, i came home from a post-warmup run, soaked in sweat as the spring was turning to summer.

mina was sitting on the couch when i walked in.

i nearly dropped my keys on the floor.

'hey,' i said, calmly.

'hey,' she returned. there was something in her voice that told me she was onto me. but she didn't mention it.

'did you have an okay day at work today?'

'yeah. i got out earlier than i thought i would. are you hungry?' she asked. there was something in her voice that made my stomach instantly sick.

'i am. what are you thinking?'

i was avoiding her eyes, pouring a glass of water. i wasn't thirsty. i was perpetuating the image of coming in from a long run.

i needed a shower desperately.

'i'll throw something together.'

'i'm gonna grab a quick shower. do you want to go out?'

when i looked at her over the top of my glass, she was staring at the tv blankly, unresponsive.

'mina, are you okay? what happened today?'

she didn't answer.

without looking at me, she said, 'i went for a walk.'

i had to grab onto the edge of the countertop. i set my glass down carefully. how to proceed?

'good. you should do that more - clear your head. you don't get enough exercise. i think you'll find that-'

she cut me off.

'who is she, david?'

i knew the color drained from my face. i wanted to make eye contact, as if it would help her to believe what i said next.

'who, kate? we go running sometimes. i bumped into her at the park with her dog one day. darwin liked gretta. she's a runner, too. so we go on runs together sometimes.'

she didn't look away from the tv. she didn't reply.

'mina,' i said, with an urgency in my voice. i wanted her to look at me.

she didn't.

'mina... hey.'

she turned her head; puffy eyes.

'what is it? what's wrong?'

'you know exactly what's wrong, david.'

the conversation spiraled downward from there.

'i'm sorry i didn't tell you. it's not a big deal. i didn't think-'

'exactly. you didn't think. how could you do this to me?' tears followed.

'mina. come on. i didn't do anything.'

i'm a horrible liar.

she wasn't remotely convinced.

'i'm not stupid, david.'

'i don't think you're stupid.'

she turned back to the tv.

'remember that day you brought dinner to the office?'

'yeah. i do.'

'well, i know what that was about. you were checking up on me. i didn't realize it until you were leaving. you were surprised to see that i was alone and at work like i said i was.'

i shook my head. but a few seconds later, i admitted that i was checking up on her.

'late nights at the office are the oldest excuse. i'm sorry. i realized that i was wrong for thinking you would do that.'

'not as sorry as i am that i didn't think you were. the way you felt when you left that night? that is the opposite of how i'm feeling right now. i came home early to check up on you. and as i was walking down the block, you were leaving. and you were smiling, david. i know that smile. i used to see it every day when i first met you.'

i didn't say a word.

she looked back to me.

'how long has this been going on?'

i didn't know if she had followed me.

'what, the runs?'

'is that what you call it?'

'that's what it is, mina.'

she shook her head.

'how long have you been going to her apartment, david? this is not the time to lie to me. i know you're fucking her. just be honest with me. i need to know.'

'mina,' i said, desperately. i was losing ground, i was losing my cool. i had gotten sloppy and now i was busted.

'do NOT lie to me, david. how long have you been fucking her?'

i didn't want to say it. i didn't want to admit it.

'i started running with her a month ago, maybe? maybe two. i don't remember.'

'okay. how long after you started running did you start going to her place?'

'i don't know, mina.'

'stop lying. please stop lying.'

'i'm being honest with you, mina. i fell down when i was running. i told you. that was the first time i went to her place. nothing happened. she just helped me clean up.' at this rate, what's one more?

mina threw up into her hands, and ran into the bathroom.

she had packed a suitcase. i hadn't noticed it before, but now that she was in the bathroom, it stood alone, sadly, in front of the muted tv.

now i wondered how i'd missed it.

i wanted to go after her, but i was frozen. i stood, dumbfounded and paralyzed, until she walked back to the couch and grabbed the suitcase.

'fuck you, david. i hate you.' she said coolly as she walked past me and slammed the front door.


i didn't eat. i didn't sleep. for three days, i didn't sleep. i tried. but i could not. mina hadn't called. she hadn't come home.

i didn't know what to do. i didn't know what happens when your wife catches you with another woman.

i didn't know how long i was supposed to give her. i didn't know if we'd speak again. i didn't know if she would come home.

i wanted to go to her office, later at night, after everyone had left. some nights, i started walking in that direction. but i never made it. i got pretty close, one time. but i couldn't go in the front door.

every time i tried, i went right back home.


i didn't know where she went. i didn't know where she was sleeping. she hadn't taken much, so i had a feeling she'd be back.

i didn't leave the house, except to go on my failed attempts to try to talk to her. i walked darwin at off times, so i wouldn't bump into kate.


i hated myself for missing kate.

i hated that i wanted to run. i wanted to run for miles on end.


it was a full week later when i noticed that some of mina's clothes were missing. i couldn't figure out how she had gotten things without me noticing.

i waited until seven that night, and walked to her office.

i hadn't planned what i was going to say. i didn't know what to say. i didn't know what she would want to hear.


i walked into her suite. the light on her desk was on, she was sitting in front of a thick file.

i looked around. no one seemed to be there with her.

'mina?' i asked, quietly. she looked up from her paperwork, eyes wide.

'you look like shit, david.'

'i feel like shit, mina. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i need to talk to you. i don't know what i want to say. but i just need to talk to you.'

'well you picked a bad night. i'm stuck here with this case. and what makes you think i want to talk to you? don't you think i would come to you if i was ready to talk to you?'

'i don't know that either of us will ever be ready, mina. i'm just trying to tell you that i am ready. if you want to beat the shit out of me, that's okay. if you don't want to see me again, i understand. i'm sorry for coming here. i didn't know what else to do. i didn't know where to find you.'

'yeah, well, i don't know what to tell you. when i'm ready to talk to you, i'll come home.'

i nodded once, slightly, and turned to walk out.

i kept waiting for her to call me back. but she didn't. so i kept walking.

and i walked past our home. i walked past the park. i walked past kate's. i walked all the way to the end of the path. it takes five times longer when you're walking.

i sat down on a bench. and i started to cry. i couldn't remember the last time i cried. it was probably at my father's funeral.

i held my head in my hands, elbows on my knees. i saw the scar from my accident with the guy on rollerblades. i cried harder.

i was sorry.

it didn't help or change anything. but i was very, very sorry.



mina came home a week later.



i was laying in bed. i'd put the tv back in the bedroom the first night, when she left, thinking it would help me fall asleep. or that it would hypnotize me into a state of relaxation when i couldn't.

i was watching the news and i heard the deadbolt turn and click.

i threw the sheets off and walked toward the kitchen. her suitcase was by the front door.


i just stared at her. i was going to pay, that i already knew. i started paying before i did anything wrong. so i knew i was done for when she finally came home to hash things out.

she was in the kitchen. it didn't make any sense to me, but she was going through the refrigerator, throwing away things that were no longer fit to eat. darwin was at her feet.

'mina, what are you doing?'

she looked at me with the refrigerator door open.

'what does it look like i'm doing? i'm cleaning out the fridge. what are you doing?'

i walked toward her. i wanted to hug her, to hold her. i didn't know if she was going to let me.

'i was laying in bed watching the news.'

'oh. did anything else change while i was away?'

she was like a striking snake. i waited a second, then said, 'no. just that.'

i was standing next to her. she shut the refrigerator door.

'listen, david. i came home because i thought i was ready to deal with you. but now that i'm here, i just want to leave again. i don't think i'm ever going to be ready.'

'i know. i know. please. just - yell at me. anything. just tell me what you're thinking. i've missed you. and i know that we will never be the same. i just want to get this out so we can talk again.'

'david, i don't even know where to start. i can't get any of this out of my head. it's all i think about. all day every day. and all night when i can't sleep.'

'well, just start with something.'

'i don't know how to start.'

i knew that she was sitting on an arsenal. i knew that once the floodgates opened, there would be no holding back. a barrage. dare i put the chisel to the wall and tap?

'alright. well, i know that it won't mean anything. but i am sorry. and i love you. i did something that was really stupid. and i know that you might not be able to forgive me. but i don't want you to leave again.'

to lie right now was not a wise choice. but the truth was, i did want her to leave. i wanted her to leave because i thought she wanted to leave. i wanted her to leave before all of this. everything that had been between us before i met kate pointed toward mina's exit.

i felt like she didn't love me. i felt like she wasn't happy, and i felt that she wouldn't be happy with me. it was why i thought there was someone else when she started working late. but i hadn't seen kate since the day mina left me. i hadn't left the house, except for the trips to her office, i'd been letting darwin out back for the most part, i only took him on a couple walks in the beginning. the thought of seeing kate terrified me.

she didn't know where i lived. and i had to assume that she knew i was caught when i disappeared. we'd never talked about 'what would happen if', and i think we both thought we could stay how we were and get away with it. we never talked about mina when we were together. it was as if my marriage didn't exist, only she knew it to be a fact because of the ring on my finger.

she hadn't spoken yet, when i realized how lost in thought i was. i came back to the table, where i was sitting next to her. i reached for her hand. she was still wearing her wedding band, which was a relief somehow. i put my hand over hers. she didn't move.

i stared her down.

i was surprised that she wasn't crying. she was a blank slate. she probably felt numb, as i did. when you go through all of these things in your mind for days on end, for two whole weeks, there is nothing left.

finally, she spoke.

'i don't know what to do now. part of me wants to tell you it's over. and leave. and go on with our lives. and part of me wants to forgive you and try to rebuild, start over. i don't know that i will ever trust you again. and that is not something i can live with. i cannot be married to a man i do not trust. and if you said you'd never do it again, i would never believe you.'

i nodded. i didn't want to say anything.

'i do not understand how you could do this. really, i cannot comprehend it. i remember when we were dating. we talked about this. you said you'd never be in a relationship with someone who had cheated. and you said that if you ever felt the desire to cheat, you'd get out of the relationship.'

'i know.'

'part of me thinks that this is my fault, part of me thinks that i set you up to fall. i was miserable. you were miserable. i was tired. i wasn't meeting your needs. i know that.'

i didn't move a muscle. i was squirmy, but held it at bay.

'but really, david. i mean, being unhappy is one thing. fucking someone who is not your wife is something else entirely. you never talked to me about being unhappy, you never told me that you weren't getting what you needed from me. you gave up. and you went somewhere else.'

'i know. mina, it's not your fault. it just happened.'

something flashed in her eyes.

'i HATE when people say that. it just happened. fuck you, david! sex doesn't just happen. it happens because you want it to happen. it happens because you let it happen. it happens because you take actions that ensure that it will happen.'

'i didn't mean-'

'yeah. i know. you didn't mean to hurt me.'

'that's not what i was going to say. what i was going to say was that i didn't set out to do it. and it didn't happen right away. it was just friendly.'

'until it wasn't just friendly.'

'i know it doesn't make sense. i know it sounds stupid. but it's the truth. i just made a friend. and one day, some time later, it wasn't that simple anymore.'

'the thing is, i picture you with her. and the thought of letting you so much as touch me with those same hands? i cannot even fathom it. i don't know how we can continue to be married. i don't know how i can ever have sex with you again. i don't want to. not ever.'

against my better judgment, words followed that i immediately regretted.

'well, mina, would you notice any difference?'

i put my head down. i knew it was wrong. but i couldn't help it. being attacked and worn down with her words had elicited a reaction. it was involuntary.

'how dare you.' she said. her words dripped with venom. she'd spoken through her teeth.

'i'm sorry. i didn't mean it.'

'you're getting pretty good at not meaning it.'

'please keep talking.'

'i don't really know what to say. i went to a psychologist last week. twice, actually. and she kept pointing out decisions i've made. and she asked me if i wanted to save our marriage, and i told her i didn't know. she asked me why i wanted to, and i couldn't come up with an answer right away. i do love you. i am your wife. we used to have fun. we used to be fun. now i hate my job, i hate my life, and i hate my husband.'

'hate is a strong word.'

'well, it's only a hint, in regards to how i feel toward you right now. hate is putting it lightly. i'm not happy at work. i'm exhausted. my heart isn't in it any more. i just do what i have to do everyday. and there is no break for me, no relief. because i come home and you're not happy to see me. because you're too happy to see someone else instead of me.'

she had finally started to cry. we sat in silence. i stood up from my chair, and stood next to her with my hand on her shoulder.

'i don't hate you, mina. that's not why i did this. i'm sorry. i'm sorry,' and then i was crying with her. and i pulled her up to hug her. because i hoped that if nothing else, this show of affection would remind her of how we are when we're together.

she let me hug her, she even hugged me back.

i held the back of her head. i held her hair in my fingers and rubbed her head. i rested my hand in the small of her back, and pulled her toward me.

we stood there like that until she had stopped crying. she pulled away to grab a tissue, and i kissed her. it was not as short-lived as i had expected it to be. she kissed me back, but caught herself and pulled away from me.

'i want to lay down.'

'ok. whatever you want.'

i watched her walk to get the tissues and thought about how beautiful she was. how beautiful she is. she didn't deserve this. i got into bed. darwin was already in the bedroom at the foot of the bed. he always hid when we argued.

she climbed under the covers in her work clothes. i wondered if she's been sleeping like this since she left me. so much stress makes you do crazy things.


sometimes i think she only stayed with me after that night to punish me.

to make me work hard, without any payoff.

to keep me honest.

to make me feel bad.

we had a few good days. days when i told her that i loved her. when i accompanied her to her shrink's office. days when we said we would work on it, work it out.

we had bad days, too. more often than not. days when she would be fine one second, and then burst into tears. fine one second, and then beating on my chest and yelling at me.


she made my life hell after that. she didn't want me, but she didn't want to let me go, either.

she didn't want to share me with kate or anyone else, but she didn't want me for herself.


i understood why one day when she was at work. i hadn't noticed that her suitcase was gone again.


there was a knock at the door late that afternoon.

a man in a uniform handed me an envelope.

in it were the divorce papers.

i sat that night, staring them down. i had been staring at them all day, and now all night. and it was dark out, and i hadn't gotten up to turn on a light. i was still staring at them, in the dark, when i couldn't even make out the shape of the papers on the desk anymore.


without thinking, i walked to kate's apartment. it had been a few weeks.

i rang her bell, and she buzzed me in, without knowing that it was me.

i stood at her door before i knocked. i could still leave. i could still walk away and not do this.

but i couldn't make myself.

i couldn't make myself, because i had no reason not to go in.