i spent my day in a little sweet safe haven known as my-your.
luckily kit invited me over. i was on my way to her place when ever called to say we could just talk instead of meeting up.
of course, i was confused by this. i had texted him, asking if he had the info regarding the leases. because i wanted to get to the point and make it fast.
the main point of our meeting was to go over the leases for his roommate tenants and to discuss a mediator.
what he cared to share with me, for twenty minutes, while i walked to kit's and smoked a couple cigarettes was the following:
because i left the house, after 60 days, he no longer needs to include me in anything. it's his to deal with.
without using the word abandonment, that's what he was getting at.
and because he's there taking care of it and managing it, he doesn't feel that he owes me anything.
and because i left, he is only going to buy me out of my half of the house, as it is valued when i left.
which he obviously doesn't know. it was appraised a year ago.
and the kicker:
the rent checks are made out to his business. so it will count as income for him to qualify later to buy me out of it.
as for the legalities of these things, i don't know.
as for my rights, i don't know.
but i was shaking. i was so pissed.
i was really relieved to not have to see him in person.
he can't have all of these things.
he won't get them.
i have given him enough. isn't that the point? i'm done with the giving.
he has friends who are lawyers, apparently. like i have friends who are accountants. if he wants to split hairs with me about how much of the house i am entitled to, i'll fucking take him for every cent i ever let him borrow in my name. i'll show the paper trail of credit card receipts and our account statements that show the way we lived from my paycheck to my next paycheck for the majority of our seven years together.
i'll come and take all the equipment in my name on my credit card that is still on my name on my credit card.
and if he wants to be a dick and go this route, i'll put the bitch on the market faster than he can say appraisal. and watch him scramble to pull together money to try to pay for his legal fees.
i hate that he brings the worst out of me.
it's funny. just like our marriage, i explain shit to him repeatedly. and i don't know how, but he cannot wrap his head around it.
what he cannot understand despite my explaining is that he doesn't have to just come up with my half of the house money. and he won't just have to come up with the half that it is appraised at now.
before he goes adding value to it by painting and adding the deck and whatever other fucking ideas he has, he should realize that it's just going to make it harder for him to come up with the money to qualify for it later.
but it's not my place to tell him that. that's why he has a legal team. i'm kindof shocked he's putting so much into the house when he's going to be walking away from it defeated anyway.
i was fuming. i wrote this scathing letter to him. it's like five pages long in word. it was a writing exercise gone awry.
i mean, it's getting filed under the 'letters i'll never send' tag, but it felt good to write it.
kit had the perfect breakup soundtrack playing all day. i don't know how i didn't cry.
then we had falafel and later we had a beer and even later we had coconut cake.
if i'd been here at my place all day, i don't know what i'd have done.
my usual post-ever routine is: come home, freak out, call someone in my family, cry, write him a letter, and then feel better about the time the sun sets.
i tossed that all out the window today. i felt kindof dazed.
i told him that he can't collect rent, and have me stay on the mortgage without signing the lease, and paying me to stay on it as a rental property. that was not the agreement.
to think about how to proceed in light of that.
and reminded him that he had said $500 a month before.
which i don't think is fair necessarily. but i guess that is half.
oh, and he tried to make it so that he's looking out for me again. and said that he's not trying to be a shyster. that if i'm not on the lease and something happens to the house, that i wouldn't be responsible. that i could claim ignorance.
unlike his approach to life, claiming ignorance doesn't hold legal ground. or moral ground.
the more this thing goes on, the more i feel like he will continue to take from me.
i don't want to be the bitch ex wife who takes the husband to the cleaners. he has nothing to take anyway.
i don't want the situation to be worse than it is.
then he offered to let me sign the leases if i wanted to. but that they don't need to be signed by me. they're already signed and legally binding.
oh. and one of the roommates? is a paralegal.
it's making me panic.
all of it.
and i know that is his point.
he's cornering me. bullying me. because that is what people do when they are hurt.
but he'd really better not fuck with me.
because it might take me a little longer to figure out how to get even, but i'm very very good at revenge. and he will be incredibly sorry.
hear that ever?
fucking watch it.
oh, and if i didn't say it enough in that letter...
i fucking hate you. and what my life is right now, because of you.
just because i moved out, none of that shit is yours. i've got everything in my name to prove it.
if you fuck with me, i'll make you start over like i had to.
i hate that i ever loved you.
you're an asshole.
you're a selfish piece of shit.
somehow you do not feel bad about taking and taking and taking from me. after everything i have done for you.
and i fucking hate you right now.
holidaze. may 30th, for real.
yeah. that was pretty crazy last night.
i think i fell asleep sometime after six am. i had a cigarette at 545. i had most of a beer before and after that cigarette. i knew that if i didn't, i'd never fall asleep again.
but i did. i willed myself back to sleep, and got up feeling decent at 1030. i woke up at 9, but refused to get out of bed.
i had a lot of coffee here. then i went to brunch with kit and had some more there.
it was cute. she came over before brunch, when i was still in my pjs and looking a hot mess. we had a smoke on the stoop.
i felt pretty rotten. i was having a hormone headache. my two parts of sleep were still heavy on me.
and she wanted to talk about how we talk to each other. i think she thought she was being too rough on me.
and i got a note from nina. three little lines, saying that i should say what i said i needed to say. and that he's a cutie, and there was a connection. to ask, and to start to move on and have a new journey.
everyone is so blunt. and i love it.
it's like this drawing nina drew in an old journal. of her slapping me across the face and yelling 'snap out of it!'
it's the same thing again. about the same thing, assuredly.
and it did knock some sense into me.
like, oh, yeah. right.
i'm getting a divorce. i'm trying to figure out what to do with my life once i reclaim it.
i'm trying to figure out what business i want to own and operate. and where i want to live.
there are so many things for me to think about and talk about. and somehow coffee the boy seems like a total waste.
so i'll try my best to shut up about that. because the more i give it, the worse it gets.
i'll starve the fire. i'll snuff it out. and light it up in three weeks.
tomorrow i have a 'sit down' with ever.
tomorrow i'll have a whole slew of things to write about.
all the mean things he says to make me cry.
all the things his lawyers have advised him about.
the purpose of the meeting is to sign the lease with the roommates.
the other purpose, hopefully, is to see what he came up with in terms of mediators to settle this thing and fucking file already.
eleven days until dark sky park. i got our reservation tonight. it is official. it is ON. same with the brewery.
kit's birthday comes a month and a half after her birthday. i'm such a good friend.
there are exciting things that come with this territory. like, buying a tent for instance. and a couple of camping chairs. sleeping bags. a cooler.
little things that will present opportunities in my future life. i haven't been camping since i went with the sun. it's been over ten years! there is no excuse for that. none at all, whatsoever.
and it will make the fall more fun. because when the weather cools after this summer, camping will be a fun new hobby to try out. and a good excuse for more road trips to new places.
this trip means taking a five hour road trip with kit.
and seeing the stars. and hopefully, HOPEFULLY seeing saturn. if it is in the sky, that is. i should probably look into that before i get my hopes up.
i want to see those rings. i want to see mars. and even jupiter. but especially saturn.
i found out today, that if it rains, if it's cloudy, then all the money is for nothing. because there will be no canceling the event unless there's some horrific catastrophe.
i'll start praying to the clear sky gods that reside somewhere above dark sky park.
please don't let it rain on my star party. please just for one night. just for a few hours, even. i'll camp in the pouring fucking rain. i just want to be able to see everything.
anything. something.
i won't complain. i won't be a bitch. i just want to stare at the sky and see what i see.
so that is exciting. and that is coming up.
and after that adventurous weekend, i will start the diet.
i will give up beer until i go home.
i will give up fries and chips and everything i love. for two weeks.
tonight i go to sleep at a respectable hour. tomorrow i don't have any plans except to see ever for about an hour. and i don't even know when. the movie thing fell through, i guess. which is just fine by me.
oh.
something happened today. right after that note from nina and the chat with kit.
i got a note from one of ever's friends. correction: a note back from our friend jay.
i'd been really bummed out on it because i had written him saying that i missed them a lot, and that i hoped to see them soon.
and when i didn't hear back, i thought that the last two people i'd hoped to salvage from the split had sided with him as well.
but in a few quick lines, he put my mind at ease. they were just super busy. and maybe it means that i'll have to see them at the house. but maybe not.
but whatever i was worrying about, it is okay again now.
i took to heart what he said to me. and it made me feel bad that i'd doubted it. and like a headcase. but that is really nothing new.
so. tomorrow. i'm just trying to soak up the weekend and not do much of anything. because this week was a killer, and i deserve to not be killing myself. to recover. completely.
and if tomorrow sucks because of the damper known as ever, then fuck it.
because i have monday to get over sunday.
and that, dear reader, is a wonderful thing.
i think i fell asleep sometime after six am. i had a cigarette at 545. i had most of a beer before and after that cigarette. i knew that if i didn't, i'd never fall asleep again.
but i did. i willed myself back to sleep, and got up feeling decent at 1030. i woke up at 9, but refused to get out of bed.
i had a lot of coffee here. then i went to brunch with kit and had some more there.
it was cute. she came over before brunch, when i was still in my pjs and looking a hot mess. we had a smoke on the stoop.
i felt pretty rotten. i was having a hormone headache. my two parts of sleep were still heavy on me.
and she wanted to talk about how we talk to each other. i think she thought she was being too rough on me.
and i got a note from nina. three little lines, saying that i should say what i said i needed to say. and that he's a cutie, and there was a connection. to ask, and to start to move on and have a new journey.
everyone is so blunt. and i love it.
it's like this drawing nina drew in an old journal. of her slapping me across the face and yelling 'snap out of it!'
it's the same thing again. about the same thing, assuredly.
and it did knock some sense into me.
like, oh, yeah. right.
i'm getting a divorce. i'm trying to figure out what to do with my life once i reclaim it.
i'm trying to figure out what business i want to own and operate. and where i want to live.
there are so many things for me to think about and talk about. and somehow coffee the boy seems like a total waste.
so i'll try my best to shut up about that. because the more i give it, the worse it gets.
i'll starve the fire. i'll snuff it out. and light it up in three weeks.
tomorrow i have a 'sit down' with ever.
tomorrow i'll have a whole slew of things to write about.
all the mean things he says to make me cry.
all the things his lawyers have advised him about.
the purpose of the meeting is to sign the lease with the roommates.
the other purpose, hopefully, is to see what he came up with in terms of mediators to settle this thing and fucking file already.
eleven days until dark sky park. i got our reservation tonight. it is official. it is ON. same with the brewery.
kit's birthday comes a month and a half after her birthday. i'm such a good friend.
there are exciting things that come with this territory. like, buying a tent for instance. and a couple of camping chairs. sleeping bags. a cooler.
little things that will present opportunities in my future life. i haven't been camping since i went with the sun. it's been over ten years! there is no excuse for that. none at all, whatsoever.
and it will make the fall more fun. because when the weather cools after this summer, camping will be a fun new hobby to try out. and a good excuse for more road trips to new places.
this trip means taking a five hour road trip with kit.
and seeing the stars. and hopefully, HOPEFULLY seeing saturn. if it is in the sky, that is. i should probably look into that before i get my hopes up.
i want to see those rings. i want to see mars. and even jupiter. but especially saturn.
i found out today, that if it rains, if it's cloudy, then all the money is for nothing. because there will be no canceling the event unless there's some horrific catastrophe.
i'll start praying to the clear sky gods that reside somewhere above dark sky park.
please don't let it rain on my star party. please just for one night. just for a few hours, even. i'll camp in the pouring fucking rain. i just want to be able to see everything.
anything. something.
i won't complain. i won't be a bitch. i just want to stare at the sky and see what i see.
so that is exciting. and that is coming up.
and after that adventurous weekend, i will start the diet.
i will give up beer until i go home.
i will give up fries and chips and everything i love. for two weeks.
tonight i go to sleep at a respectable hour. tomorrow i don't have any plans except to see ever for about an hour. and i don't even know when. the movie thing fell through, i guess. which is just fine by me.
oh.
something happened today. right after that note from nina and the chat with kit.
i got a note from one of ever's friends. correction: a note back from our friend jay.
i'd been really bummed out on it because i had written him saying that i missed them a lot, and that i hoped to see them soon.
and when i didn't hear back, i thought that the last two people i'd hoped to salvage from the split had sided with him as well.
but in a few quick lines, he put my mind at ease. they were just super busy. and maybe it means that i'll have to see them at the house. but maybe not.
but whatever i was worrying about, it is okay again now.
i took to heart what he said to me. and it made me feel bad that i'd doubted it. and like a headcase. but that is really nothing new.
so. tomorrow. i'm just trying to soak up the weekend and not do much of anything. because this week was a killer, and i deserve to not be killing myself. to recover. completely.
and if tomorrow sucks because of the damper known as ever, then fuck it.
because i have monday to get over sunday.
and that, dear reader, is a wonderful thing.
second post, may 29th, technically.
it's funny. when you end up at the end of a road, you have no choice but to turn yourself around and ask, 'how did i get here? which turns brought me here?'
i don't know. it feels like that. you re-evaluate your life decisions, the ones that seem to make a difference in hindsight. and sometimes you overthink, that is true.
but thinking is how you try to not repeat the same mistakes. and learning is what the journey becomes about. it keeps you from feeling like you failed at something. it keeps you from losing hope that you'll be happy again.
i can't help that i want to know this. it is a path that i passed by. and just like when you're lost, i kept seeing the sign for that same exit, yet i missed it every time. it was always something with the timing. i'd be three lanes away from the turn. and despite the fact that i'd been lost for so long, i couldn't remember how to get unstuck. how to try to catch that exit.
i cannot wait for dark sky park.
part of me can't wait for skydiving.
i feel like i have a bucket list at 32. i feel like i'm back from this life that felt like dying. little atrophied dreams that i've held onto watching them die one by one. and getting fed up with that. and saying that enough is enough and walking away. cutting your losses. starting over again.
i don't know how i makes me feel.
lonely, definitely.
stupid, sometimes.
immature and selfish often.
but no one said that self discovery is easy. and no one said it was fun. i don't know. there's a lot i want to say, but i don't want to spoil anything either.
how to find that line and stay to the right of it?
how to hint at something, or get at something without giving it all away?
i kept saying to kit, when i was tipsy early on in the night, 'the bottom line for me is...'
but i had like six bottom lines.
i am trying to think of even one right now. i'm completely forgetting all of them.
one bottom line is that i need to know if i just made the whole thing up. i don't think that i did.
another is that i need to know, on some level, if all the time i've invested has been a waste, or if it is deserving of more time. and energy. even if it is all only mental energy.
the bottom line i need to determine is what i want from any or all of this.
because that is what i think the bottom line should be.
to say that i want something more than this is not really enough. i know that it doesn't make sense to want any of it. but the way that i felt in december. the way that i felt off and on over all these years. that is what it is. that gut feeling.
i don't want to move home. but if something could happen, i'd do it. the added bonus would obviously be living close to my family and nina. and if i gave it a set amount of time, it wouldn't be like giving up and moving home. it would just be an experiment.
i don't want to be treated the way that i was before. like, take a number. get in line. and if i have time, maybe... i will not take that ever again.
not to say that i won't 'date'. but to care about someone that much, and to like someone that much, and to not be treated respectfully was not okay.
i don't want to make myself too available. when i play this scenario out to the end and it ends well, i imagine trying to inject myself into his life. i say often that he has a lot of friends, and a lot of circles. work circles, play circles, team circles. and unlike me, where i can count my friends on one hand, it's a lot of time and energy that is being directed there, and i'd be taking from that and interfering with that.
and unless it was like the lawton thing the last time i was with him, where i had this clue that she knew of me before i met her, that could be incredibly tricky.
but at the same time, if my friends i can count on one hand met him someday, they'd all know exactly who he is. because i talk about him.
it's not that it's so unlikely. it's that it's so unlikely of him. it's not that i'm wanting too much or asking too much. it's that i'm wanting too much and asking too much of him.
the word i can't let go of for tonight, kindof like the bottom line phrase, is 'chemistry'.
because it really is that simple.
twinkly eyes - heart flutters - stomach drop - smiles - giggles
it is all just a FEELING. at the end of the day, there is NO concrete evidence. there is no data. there are no statistics. there are no algorithms.
there is only a feeling that i have when i am standing next to him. there is only a tiny hint of that when i'm thinking about him.
all night i wanted to cry. i don't know why. same thing, i guess...just a feeling. like i need to let something go and get it out of my system. have a good cry and start over again.
as long as i'm on the road analogy, maybe there's more to that.
i've always hated the adage about it not being the destination, but the journey.
i'm too impatient. i just want to take the shortcuts and get there. no scenic route. i feel like being with ever was the scenic route. and not in a good way. in the way that extends your trip exponentially, so that by the time you're where you're going, you're ready to kill each other. and vow to never travel with that person. ever again.
fuck me. the sun is coming up. i've now been up so late that it's early. i want a cigarette so badly. but i am afraid that if i sit outside during the sunrise, i might come entirely unhinged.
it was all fine and good while it was still dark.
but now it's not fine. or good. now i'm trying to figure out how i will have a normal day tomorrow. or in a a few hours from now, because it's not technically tomorrow. it's technically today.
i don't know. it feels like that. you re-evaluate your life decisions, the ones that seem to make a difference in hindsight. and sometimes you overthink, that is true.
but thinking is how you try to not repeat the same mistakes. and learning is what the journey becomes about. it keeps you from feeling like you failed at something. it keeps you from losing hope that you'll be happy again.
i can't help that i want to know this. it is a path that i passed by. and just like when you're lost, i kept seeing the sign for that same exit, yet i missed it every time. it was always something with the timing. i'd be three lanes away from the turn. and despite the fact that i'd been lost for so long, i couldn't remember how to get unstuck. how to try to catch that exit.
i cannot wait for dark sky park.
part of me can't wait for skydiving.
i feel like i have a bucket list at 32. i feel like i'm back from this life that felt like dying. little atrophied dreams that i've held onto watching them die one by one. and getting fed up with that. and saying that enough is enough and walking away. cutting your losses. starting over again.
i don't know how i makes me feel.
lonely, definitely.
stupid, sometimes.
immature and selfish often.
but no one said that self discovery is easy. and no one said it was fun. i don't know. there's a lot i want to say, but i don't want to spoil anything either.
how to find that line and stay to the right of it?
how to hint at something, or get at something without giving it all away?
i kept saying to kit, when i was tipsy early on in the night, 'the bottom line for me is...'
but i had like six bottom lines.
i am trying to think of even one right now. i'm completely forgetting all of them.
one bottom line is that i need to know if i just made the whole thing up. i don't think that i did.
another is that i need to know, on some level, if all the time i've invested has been a waste, or if it is deserving of more time. and energy. even if it is all only mental energy.
the bottom line i need to determine is what i want from any or all of this.
because that is what i think the bottom line should be.
to say that i want something more than this is not really enough. i know that it doesn't make sense to want any of it. but the way that i felt in december. the way that i felt off and on over all these years. that is what it is. that gut feeling.
i don't want to move home. but if something could happen, i'd do it. the added bonus would obviously be living close to my family and nina. and if i gave it a set amount of time, it wouldn't be like giving up and moving home. it would just be an experiment.
i don't want to be treated the way that i was before. like, take a number. get in line. and if i have time, maybe... i will not take that ever again.
not to say that i won't 'date'. but to care about someone that much, and to like someone that much, and to not be treated respectfully was not okay.
i don't want to make myself too available. when i play this scenario out to the end and it ends well, i imagine trying to inject myself into his life. i say often that he has a lot of friends, and a lot of circles. work circles, play circles, team circles. and unlike me, where i can count my friends on one hand, it's a lot of time and energy that is being directed there, and i'd be taking from that and interfering with that.
and unless it was like the lawton thing the last time i was with him, where i had this clue that she knew of me before i met her, that could be incredibly tricky.
but at the same time, if my friends i can count on one hand met him someday, they'd all know exactly who he is. because i talk about him.
it's not that it's so unlikely. it's that it's so unlikely of him. it's not that i'm wanting too much or asking too much. it's that i'm wanting too much and asking too much of him.
the word i can't let go of for tonight, kindof like the bottom line phrase, is 'chemistry'.
because it really is that simple.
twinkly eyes - heart flutters - stomach drop - smiles - giggles
it is all just a FEELING. at the end of the day, there is NO concrete evidence. there is no data. there are no statistics. there are no algorithms.
there is only a feeling that i have when i am standing next to him. there is only a tiny hint of that when i'm thinking about him.
all night i wanted to cry. i don't know why. same thing, i guess...just a feeling. like i need to let something go and get it out of my system. have a good cry and start over again.
as long as i'm on the road analogy, maybe there's more to that.
i've always hated the adage about it not being the destination, but the journey.
i'm too impatient. i just want to take the shortcuts and get there. no scenic route. i feel like being with ever was the scenic route. and not in a good way. in the way that extends your trip exponentially, so that by the time you're where you're going, you're ready to kill each other. and vow to never travel with that person. ever again.
fuck me. the sun is coming up. i've now been up so late that it's early. i want a cigarette so badly. but i am afraid that if i sit outside during the sunrise, i might come entirely unhinged.
it was all fine and good while it was still dark.
but now it's not fine. or good. now i'm trying to figure out how i will have a normal day tomorrow. or in a a few hours from now, because it's not technically tomorrow. it's technically today.
long walk home from grace's. may 28th.
i'm beyond tired. i'm in bed before nine on a friday night.
it's okay, though.
tonight, i got a talking to.
and i had a listen, also.
but i got the third degree from kit. and her friend who is a guy.
she wanted me to start thinking about home.
as if i don't do that enough already.
like i need help.
only, i do.
i do need help.
last night, writing, i went into it.
and if i had the energy, i'd reiterate. but i don't.
so i'm just going to start over.
i got on this stalker kick last night, because of something she said to me about stalking.
i couldn't help it. that girl tagged him in a picture of their lobster dinner.
and thanked him, love, for the dinner.
i guess associations matter. because the only one i have is of the awful former roommmate calling all boys 'love'.
and yes, i have stalker tendencies. but i was only seeing one thing that was in my feed. and that couldn't be helped. obviously, this girl wanted it to be there. for whatever reason.
but tonight was different. i had kit telling me what i have to do. and then we went to dinner with a boy who is her friend. and then he basically said that, of course it is what i think.
he mentioned chemistry. and obviously, if he knew i was going to be there, he went there to see me.
what i didn't mention was that he negated that by saying to me, 'tea and nina... i haven't seen them in forever.'
but still.
i have a picture. and his head is practically on my boob. and that is irrelevant in a way.
because the thing is, i know what to ask. i know what to say.
i've been planning that for months. what i don't know, the variable, is what he will say when i ask. from what i've told her, kit thinks that he will tell me what he thinks i want to hear, if i'm not overly cautious in how i ask it. or if i don't have a follow up question in mind beforehand.
that he'll know what i want him to say. and that he'll answer accordingly. because if he is in it for the attention, he'll keep that going.
all i have to ask is why he never kissed me. and if he says he wanted to, i have to know what to say next. or ask. because if my heart is too in it, it will show. and she also recommended that i give it a set amount of time, and change the subject. so i can process later.
hearing it from an objective boy was better. and he said that living a life of regret isn't what it should be. that life is suffering, but if there was chemistry, is chemistry, saying something now could make it so that we are both happy.
he didn't recommend kissing him if he has a girlfriend. it didn't help seeing the dundees episode of the office just before going out. because it wasn't the one where jim puts it all on the line for pam, but it was the season before that, when she's drunk and kisses him after she gets her award. and he essentially said it was an awesome night. even though it was a total disaster.
i cannot help it. i want a hollywood ending.
and who better to have it with than my coffee?
i'm nuts. i know this.
but i have to get over it. move on. get on with it.
and in three weeks, or maybe only two, for calendar's sake, i need to send him a text that essentially says, 'hey. i'm coming home. would you like to have a drink when i do?'
and i don't know how to word it. or if it is appropriate at all. but i have to.
and her friend asked why i wasn't driving home right now to ask him.
but thinking that he thought that makes me feel less crazy.
i wrote for an hour last night. and lost the entire thing.
i wrote about the last post. i wrote about work. i wrote about the movie date tomorrow. i wrote about coffee.
and it's all gone now.
some days i think, 'i should just delete the entire blog'. the way that kit threw her journal into the ocean. the way that aubree's girl throws hers away after surviving a hard time.
but i can't. i cling too much to things i write. even if they are mundane. or total shit.
i'm going to bed. really early on a friday night. because i can. not because i want to.
i just want this whole thing to be over with.
like, day one. land. sleep. wake up. get sun. go out with coffee. ask the question. get on with my life. and then take two weeks at home to recover.
if the worst case scenario is him saying 'what are you TALKING about???', then that is what it is. and if the worst case scenario is me not being able to think of a way to pin him down on it until the next day or week, that is unacceptable.
i have to get my answer. and i have to know.
and part of me hopes he does have a girlfriend.
and part of me hopes he just kisses me right then and there. or that i kiss him. same difference. well, different. but same end result. i want him to be my first kiss after years of draught.
and part of me wants to never write or think of him again.
but as is apparent from this blathering on, part of me is going to fuck myself royally by never forcing him to either make it or break it. so that i can keep up with the tortured, tormented musings.
it's all i can think about. all day, every day. from now until i am there. hopefully, sitting across from him, getting my chance.
all this thinking led to dreaming.
last night, i was dreaming that i was curled up with him.
and i woke up this morning, because in my dream i woke up to him kissing the nape of my neck.
and i was coming unglued. i woke up feeling so incredible in the dream. my skin was crawling. only it wasn't real. not yet.
it's all i want. kit keeps asking me what i want. and i do not know.
i don't know. not the slightest clue.
but a place to start would be right there. waking up. because i slept next to him again. and he couldn't stand to sleep next to me, without kissing the back of my neck.
if that happened, i'd die happy.
i'd have my cake. and eat it, too.
it's okay, though.
tonight, i got a talking to.
and i had a listen, also.
but i got the third degree from kit. and her friend who is a guy.
she wanted me to start thinking about home.
as if i don't do that enough already.
like i need help.
only, i do.
i do need help.
last night, writing, i went into it.
and if i had the energy, i'd reiterate. but i don't.
so i'm just going to start over.
i got on this stalker kick last night, because of something she said to me about stalking.
i couldn't help it. that girl tagged him in a picture of their lobster dinner.
and thanked him, love, for the dinner.
i guess associations matter. because the only one i have is of the awful former roommmate calling all boys 'love'.
and yes, i have stalker tendencies. but i was only seeing one thing that was in my feed. and that couldn't be helped. obviously, this girl wanted it to be there. for whatever reason.
but tonight was different. i had kit telling me what i have to do. and then we went to dinner with a boy who is her friend. and then he basically said that, of course it is what i think.
he mentioned chemistry. and obviously, if he knew i was going to be there, he went there to see me.
what i didn't mention was that he negated that by saying to me, 'tea and nina... i haven't seen them in forever.'
but still.
i have a picture. and his head is practically on my boob. and that is irrelevant in a way.
because the thing is, i know what to ask. i know what to say.
i've been planning that for months. what i don't know, the variable, is what he will say when i ask. from what i've told her, kit thinks that he will tell me what he thinks i want to hear, if i'm not overly cautious in how i ask it. or if i don't have a follow up question in mind beforehand.
that he'll know what i want him to say. and that he'll answer accordingly. because if he is in it for the attention, he'll keep that going.
all i have to ask is why he never kissed me. and if he says he wanted to, i have to know what to say next. or ask. because if my heart is too in it, it will show. and she also recommended that i give it a set amount of time, and change the subject. so i can process later.
hearing it from an objective boy was better. and he said that living a life of regret isn't what it should be. that life is suffering, but if there was chemistry, is chemistry, saying something now could make it so that we are both happy.
he didn't recommend kissing him if he has a girlfriend. it didn't help seeing the dundees episode of the office just before going out. because it wasn't the one where jim puts it all on the line for pam, but it was the season before that, when she's drunk and kisses him after she gets her award. and he essentially said it was an awesome night. even though it was a total disaster.
i cannot help it. i want a hollywood ending.
and who better to have it with than my coffee?
i'm nuts. i know this.
but i have to get over it. move on. get on with it.
and in three weeks, or maybe only two, for calendar's sake, i need to send him a text that essentially says, 'hey. i'm coming home. would you like to have a drink when i do?'
and i don't know how to word it. or if it is appropriate at all. but i have to.
and her friend asked why i wasn't driving home right now to ask him.
but thinking that he thought that makes me feel less crazy.
i wrote for an hour last night. and lost the entire thing.
i wrote about the last post. i wrote about work. i wrote about the movie date tomorrow. i wrote about coffee.
and it's all gone now.
some days i think, 'i should just delete the entire blog'. the way that kit threw her journal into the ocean. the way that aubree's girl throws hers away after surviving a hard time.
but i can't. i cling too much to things i write. even if they are mundane. or total shit.
i'm going to bed. really early on a friday night. because i can. not because i want to.
i just want this whole thing to be over with.
like, day one. land. sleep. wake up. get sun. go out with coffee. ask the question. get on with my life. and then take two weeks at home to recover.
if the worst case scenario is him saying 'what are you TALKING about???', then that is what it is. and if the worst case scenario is me not being able to think of a way to pin him down on it until the next day or week, that is unacceptable.
i have to get my answer. and i have to know.
and part of me hopes he does have a girlfriend.
and part of me hopes he just kisses me right then and there. or that i kiss him. same difference. well, different. but same end result. i want him to be my first kiss after years of draught.
and part of me wants to never write or think of him again.
but as is apparent from this blathering on, part of me is going to fuck myself royally by never forcing him to either make it or break it. so that i can keep up with the tortured, tormented musings.
it's all i can think about. all day, every day. from now until i am there. hopefully, sitting across from him, getting my chance.
all this thinking led to dreaming.
last night, i was dreaming that i was curled up with him.
and i woke up this morning, because in my dream i woke up to him kissing the nape of my neck.
and i was coming unglued. i woke up feeling so incredible in the dream. my skin was crawling. only it wasn't real. not yet.
it's all i want. kit keeps asking me what i want. and i do not know.
i don't know. not the slightest clue.
but a place to start would be right there. waking up. because i slept next to him again. and he couldn't stand to sleep next to me, without kissing the back of my neck.
if that happened, i'd die happy.
i'd have my cake. and eat it, too.
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