to the things i'm suspending disbelief about tonight, i'm adding corbett and toomey to the pile.
oh, pennsylvania. shame on you.
another thing. that dickwad who is kicking us out of suck store is 'upset' that we wasted no time in telling our customers. seems dr dug found out while tony was in his proximity. and gave him an earful. pretty awesome.
tomorrow i'll be in the thick of it.
it ought to be interesting. god help him if he speaks to me. i don't know if i'll be able to control myself.
kenna flew home tonight. back to her life, and i have the longest to do list in my paper journal.
it was a crazy trip. from telling her about moving to losing the store that she is emotionally attached to. we did end on a high note, but i can't help feeling like she went home feeling like she is losing control of her business.
she was really good to me. and i feel better than i should.
last night, i alternated between thinking about seeing that boy again, and the suck store situation.
i didn't sleep well.
lots of tossing and turning.
i watched a nova that i knew i shouldn't have. luckily it didn't give me nightmares. it was about the space shuttle disasters.
challenger and columbia.
living in florida, these things are especially heavy for me.
i watched challenger blow up from my elementary school sidewalk.
in the third grade.
it was traumatic.
and columbia happened right before i got married. i saw the whole thing on tv at the lexus dealership where i was working.
the end of that documentary was especially depressing, and when i closed out the window and went back to fb, national geographic had posted a link about discovery's final flight.
it was a little too timely.
then kit told me about the election results.
and i was so tired i couldn't get up to smoke, but as i tried to fall asleep, sleep evaded me.
thinking about walking up to the bar and him being there made me smile hugely in bed.
thinking about what i would say or do.
going through conversation in my mind. essentially writing another coffee-esque short story while i was laying there.
i won't screw it up this time. i swear.
all i need is just one more chance.
all i can do is hope that, on friday, he is there at the same time. so i can set things right.
tell him he's cute. ask him to hang out. give him my number. or all of the above.
i was laying there last night, thinking about how much fun would be made of me if anyone knew my thoughts.
for example: if i don't want to date, do i have to say things differently? do i tell him i like him if i don't want anything substantial from him?
do i have to say anything at all?
do i just go for it and kiss him? i don't think i've ever just kissed a boy. isn't that insane? i always wait for them to make a move.
this isn't just about boy from friday. i mean, today it is. but if i never see him again, i still need this information.
i started watching 'the middle' tonight.
i love patricia heaton. and janitor from scrubs. the daughter on the show is exactly who i was at that age, and it freaks me out completely to think of myself back then, kindof like how i think of myself at nineteen in the throes of coffeetime.
part of making my costume this year was getting over my fear of wings. ever since those stupid fucking sadie hawkins day wings i wore far too often in those days.
i have a picture of myself, standing on top of my car wearing them when it died and was being towed away. because they were in it.
i had to make these wings and trust that i won't flip out, think i'm cloud ten-ing again, and start wearing them around town.
part of me wants to hang them on the wall. and part of them thinks that is just weird.
and part of me thinks i'm crazy.
so i saw robbie today.
he brought us some food that didn't make the delivery this morning.
i went to give him a hug, as i always do. and he didn't kiss my cheek like he normally does, but when i broke from the hug, he was still holding on to me. it was a first.
i do love that man.
and some of the time, i do have little daydreams about running away with him. in a very smitten way, but also in a way that can't even imagine kissing him. i could if i really tried. but really nothing beyond that.
even in my most heated days of want, i can't put him in that place.
but i'd sleep next to him happily.
i think that getting a little crazy over boy from friday is making me doubt myself again.
i realized it today, unlocking the door to my apartment when i came home from work.
i look for him everywhere.
and last night kit said something about me going to all the doors in a 1.5 block radius of favorite bar until i find him.
and i hadn't thought of doing it. but i have been waiting for him to walk by or knock on my door since that night.
he was given much more specific instructions as to where i live.
but when i unlocked the door, it just made me realize that i am going through the same mental processes. i just don't follow through like i used to.
before, i would wonder if a boy was around, and i'd do a drive by to see. now, i think 'i bet he's over there right now'. and i keep thinking about it, but i don't walk over to see.
i guess last night was day five in a row at favorite bar. last friday, obviously. then halloween. then brunch with kit. then happy hour on monday. and last night to talk to sam.
last night was just too much. it made me feel like people there were starting to wonder if i ever don't go there. or why they had seen me there every single day.
even though the shifts switch around so that i am the only one who notices who is on and off, and they wouldn't know that i'd been there every day, because none of them had been.
i just got thrown off by a text from the writer.
i need to regain my train of thought here.
i think that what i'm trying to say is that i'm equally obsessed, as i have always been, about boys.
i meet one guy for two hours one night, and i want him to knock down my door and kiss me like in a movie.
i want to circle the neighborhood and look for him. i want to be there every day, so that i have a better chance of running into him again.
these are the things that make me feel insane.
especially because i have a pretty good idea of what will happen next.
it won't be a chalk thing. i had too much fun for that. i was hanging on his every word, and meeting his eyes.
i don't want to drag him here and have my way with him, i want to talk all night and fall asleep next to him.
it is the wrong thing to do. it is the wrong approach. the chalk thing is the way to handle my current situation. there is zero risk of falling. it is cut and dry. it keeps me honest, and keeps me alone for the year i know i need.
which is why i kinda hope i don't see him again. it would be another conor thing.
i could just say, 'oh, well.' and put it out of my mind.
this boy was different.
he made me giggle.
he giggled.
i think that after being in a dysfunctional relationship for so long, i just can't
get enough of the fun of it.
ever just wasn't that guy. he wasn't fun. he was serious, and depressed, and a hermit.
i just want to have fun.
but this is exactly the type of boy that i'll get smitten with, under the pretense of just wanting to have some fun. i mean, i kindof already am, and i don't even know his last name!
do boys freak out when you drop the divorce bomb on them?
'i'm not looking for anything serious. i'm going through a divorce right now.'
is that a no-no?
i mean, it's now a part of me. and it feels like a bit of a scarlet letter. like i'm branded, and i can't not say it.
when people break up with their boyfriends of years, how long do they wait to get back in the game? this feels so different than that. i never waited between boyfriends before, so i just don't know these things. a husband is not a boyfriend, so is there even any similarity?
pretty soon, i'm going to have to make a shrink appointment. maybe i can get one for monday, since i'm working suck store for cat. hopefully she has one available.
i feel like i need a life coach.
i feel like a retard.
how can i not know these things?
i just feel completely lost in all of this stuff, and unable to stop with the beer every night, and today walking my bike to work, smoking, i realized that i'm pretty dehydrated. and that it's probably what's causing my dizzy spells.
i just can't drink water. i know that is a dumb thing to say, but i can't. i drink coffee at work. and herbal iced tea when i feel dried out. and then come home and try to have a glass of water or sugarfree lemonade (which is the only way i really get water into my system). before two beers.
which are pretty watery pbr's. but still.
i just feel myself getting slower, eating worse food (i'm now on the microwave burrito and frozen pizza and fries at hom kick), clothes getting tighter, smoking more, struggling to bike.
and despite knowing all of these things are horrible and that this is no way to live and that i feel shitty, i have no fucking motivation to stop the madness.
you'd think that the prospect of getting naked in front of a cute boy would scare me into it, but it just doesn't.
nothing makes me want to ditch the all carb diet.
not seeing a disgusting picture of myself that kenna took. nothing.
i have got to gain some control over my life.
i have to want to first.
i want to wear those skinny jeans again. i feel so far from that right now.
all it would take is like a week of being committed. and i just don't have it in me.
i'm pretty dumb.
i want to slap sense into myself. but it won't even work.
i'm up past my bedtime. 545 is going to fucking BLOW in the morning.
peace out.
rtw 60. 11/2/10
to grandmother's house.
grandma and grandpa.
some of my earliest memories are of my grandparents.
i differentiate between sets by calling them mean and nice.
my mom's parent are nice, my dad's parents are mean.
nice grandma used to babysit me when i was little, when my mom worked at the bank between having me and my brother.
i used to make mudpies in her backyard.
everyday, before mom came home, she'd hose me off and one of our 'things' was saying
'oh, no, mr bill'.
i don't know why. but to this day, she still says it, and makes me crinkle my nose at her, because it takes her back to when i was small.
i remember mean grandma having me over for the night around that same age when she still lived in florida. she'd have coffee on, all day and all night. and she'd let me have tiny cups of coffee with lots of milk and sugar. i drank it lukewarm. the only time in my life i ever drank coffee that wasn't on ice.
and i'd watch he man, and later at night, we'd watch hee haw, and dallas.
random.
mean grandpa was always nice to me. i guess i was his favorite. i don't remember them fighting back then, though i'm sure they did. getting older, i found out he was an alcoholic in those days, and would take trips to the trunk of his car to drink whiskey out of the bottle.
i also remember him, years later, in virginia where they lived for almost 30 years, making popcorn on the stove. huge batches dumped into paper bags, with real butter and lots of salt. i think this is where i developed my addiction.
it's sad that i spent part of my trip home this summer visiting him in a hospital, and then the nursing home. he's in the last ugly stages of alzheimers now. it sucks. he doesn't even know who i am anymore.
mean grandma was the one who would rat us out to mom when she picked us up.
and who committed the unforgivable sin of taking my paper journal, when i was in college, and on vacation with the family. she read it, and scratched out things i'd written about her that were less than complimentary, and told my mom that she should read what i wrote about her (which i hadn't done).
nice grandma and grandpa were the ones who would sneak us treats, and tell us not to tell our mother.
they also let us live in their house when my brother died, while we were waiting for our new house to be built.
now, they all live in florida again. nice grandparents for most of the year, and mean grandparents full time, since they came for a visit and my parents and aunt realized that he was too far gone for them to live so far away and alone in virginia backwoods.
mean grandpa was also, most likely, in the kkk. which really sucks, and explains a lot about the racist household i grew up in. a hunter, a woodsman who lives in camo.
now, he can't figure out how to work the remote on his adjustable chair, and lives in pajamas day in and day out.
i remember nice grandpa helping me with my algebra homework in high school, because he was always sharp as a tack. now he is starting to slip, and forget.
and he is convinced that he can heal himself, and loves to tell stories about his days in the air force.
grandma had surgery on her spine a few years ago, it was one of my four trips home spent in hospitals.
she hasn't been the same since. before that, really, she was in a lot of pain. but now, she can barely get out to have a cigarette, and has all but lost her will to live.
i love my grandparents.
it's part of the reason i want to move home. their years are numbered, and few, and i want to spend as much time with them as i can, before they are gone.
for a long time, they were my motivation to have kids. i wanted my kids to know them.
but those days are over for me, and i know that now, by the time i have one, they will be gone.
there are times when i think about this and cry.
tonight is not one of those nights.
i have a lot of memories of all of them.
one of the most memorable trips was that journal trip to virginia with mean grandparents. the whole family was there. the whole 'famn damily'.
and it snowed that trip, which it never really did, and i wrote on the window of our minivan 'we <3 each other' because all we did was fight the whole time. and all they did was fight the whole time.
if i had a dollar for every time i have heard my grandmother yell, 'richard!' at my grandpa in her nasty voice, i'd be a millionaire.
she is the reason i left ever, really. i felt myself becoming her. and there was nothing i wanted more than to avoid the life she ended up living.
being stuck in an abusive marriage, miserable, wishing her life away. and thinking that when he's dead and gone, she'll finally be happy and able to do what she wants.
little does she know that when he's dead and gone, she'll be lost. and bitterly alone.
while i was married, we made a point to go to nice grandparents' house every summer. it was the one vacation we took a year, together. the puppy could run around their yard in the smokey mountains off her leash. and until they eventually got tachnology last summer, there were no cell phone signals and no internet, so we could really get away from it all.
and the trip there last summer was when my parents and grandparents fell out of love with ever. it was when they tarted to resent him for guilting me about wanting to go with my family out on the lake, because he didn't want to go. and ultimately, he refused to go, and i went because i wanted to. and they never got over it. because i couldn't really enjoy myself, worrying about him and what he was doing to keep himself occupied while we were living the good life.
and ultimately, when i took the trip home to tell mom and dad we were getting a divorce, my grandparents called him an anchor and said he wasn't a partner if he didn't contribute.
mean grandma didn't act surprised when i told her. she didn't really have anything to say about it.
when i go home, i see the nice set daily for lunch, and go once a week to see the mean set, because they're so miserable to be around.
that's the story of my grandparents.
i'll miss them when they're gone.
grandma and grandpa.
some of my earliest memories are of my grandparents.
i differentiate between sets by calling them mean and nice.
my mom's parent are nice, my dad's parents are mean.
nice grandma used to babysit me when i was little, when my mom worked at the bank between having me and my brother.
i used to make mudpies in her backyard.
everyday, before mom came home, she'd hose me off and one of our 'things' was saying
'oh, no, mr bill'.
i don't know why. but to this day, she still says it, and makes me crinkle my nose at her, because it takes her back to when i was small.
i remember mean grandma having me over for the night around that same age when she still lived in florida. she'd have coffee on, all day and all night. and she'd let me have tiny cups of coffee with lots of milk and sugar. i drank it lukewarm. the only time in my life i ever drank coffee that wasn't on ice.
and i'd watch he man, and later at night, we'd watch hee haw, and dallas.
random.
mean grandpa was always nice to me. i guess i was his favorite. i don't remember them fighting back then, though i'm sure they did. getting older, i found out he was an alcoholic in those days, and would take trips to the trunk of his car to drink whiskey out of the bottle.
i also remember him, years later, in virginia where they lived for almost 30 years, making popcorn on the stove. huge batches dumped into paper bags, with real butter and lots of salt. i think this is where i developed my addiction.
it's sad that i spent part of my trip home this summer visiting him in a hospital, and then the nursing home. he's in the last ugly stages of alzheimers now. it sucks. he doesn't even know who i am anymore.
mean grandma was the one who would rat us out to mom when she picked us up.
and who committed the unforgivable sin of taking my paper journal, when i was in college, and on vacation with the family. she read it, and scratched out things i'd written about her that were less than complimentary, and told my mom that she should read what i wrote about her (which i hadn't done).
nice grandma and grandpa were the ones who would sneak us treats, and tell us not to tell our mother.
they also let us live in their house when my brother died, while we were waiting for our new house to be built.
now, they all live in florida again. nice grandparents for most of the year, and mean grandparents full time, since they came for a visit and my parents and aunt realized that he was too far gone for them to live so far away and alone in virginia backwoods.
mean grandpa was also, most likely, in the kkk. which really sucks, and explains a lot about the racist household i grew up in. a hunter, a woodsman who lives in camo.
now, he can't figure out how to work the remote on his adjustable chair, and lives in pajamas day in and day out.
i remember nice grandpa helping me with my algebra homework in high school, because he was always sharp as a tack. now he is starting to slip, and forget.
and he is convinced that he can heal himself, and loves to tell stories about his days in the air force.
grandma had surgery on her spine a few years ago, it was one of my four trips home spent in hospitals.
she hasn't been the same since. before that, really, she was in a lot of pain. but now, she can barely get out to have a cigarette, and has all but lost her will to live.
i love my grandparents.
it's part of the reason i want to move home. their years are numbered, and few, and i want to spend as much time with them as i can, before they are gone.
for a long time, they were my motivation to have kids. i wanted my kids to know them.
but those days are over for me, and i know that now, by the time i have one, they will be gone.
there are times when i think about this and cry.
tonight is not one of those nights.
i have a lot of memories of all of them.
one of the most memorable trips was that journal trip to virginia with mean grandparents. the whole family was there. the whole 'famn damily'.
and it snowed that trip, which it never really did, and i wrote on the window of our minivan 'we <3 each other' because all we did was fight the whole time. and all they did was fight the whole time.
if i had a dollar for every time i have heard my grandmother yell, 'richard!' at my grandpa in her nasty voice, i'd be a millionaire.
she is the reason i left ever, really. i felt myself becoming her. and there was nothing i wanted more than to avoid the life she ended up living.
being stuck in an abusive marriage, miserable, wishing her life away. and thinking that when he's dead and gone, she'll finally be happy and able to do what she wants.
little does she know that when he's dead and gone, she'll be lost. and bitterly alone.
while i was married, we made a point to go to nice grandparents' house every summer. it was the one vacation we took a year, together. the puppy could run around their yard in the smokey mountains off her leash. and until they eventually got tachnology last summer, there were no cell phone signals and no internet, so we could really get away from it all.
and the trip there last summer was when my parents and grandparents fell out of love with ever. it was when they tarted to resent him for guilting me about wanting to go with my family out on the lake, because he didn't want to go. and ultimately, he refused to go, and i went because i wanted to. and they never got over it. because i couldn't really enjoy myself, worrying about him and what he was doing to keep himself occupied while we were living the good life.
and ultimately, when i took the trip home to tell mom and dad we were getting a divorce, my grandparents called him an anchor and said he wasn't a partner if he didn't contribute.
mean grandma didn't act surprised when i told her. she didn't really have anything to say about it.
when i go home, i see the nice set daily for lunch, and go once a week to see the mean set, because they're so miserable to be around.
that's the story of my grandparents.
i'll miss them when they're gone.
plan of attack. november 2nd.
maybe not literally, but...
to catch up.
yesterday was kenna's first day in town.
i went to work early, and then picked her up from the airport. we spent a lot of time talking about my personal life, not as much talking business.
she wanted to know how i am doing, what i'm doing, etc.
and i shocked the shit out of her when i said that i am probably moving to florida this summer.
i was afraid to bring it up, because i don't want her to worry about her business, and i can't help but feel like she'd be threatened by my leaving.
but we talked about it, and i think that as long as we have a plan in place, it will be okay. she wants whoever takes over for me to shadow me for at least two months.
this entire conversation took place yesterday, and after getting into receipts and things, i felt a lot better about the job i'm doing than i have been.
i've been fixing things, and making the stores operate more streamlined than they have been, so i guess i'm realizing that i'm doing a decent job.
today, we started off the day at suck store. i walked in, and cat told me that they opened the coffee kiosk. because the cafeteria hasn't stolen enough business from us already. we walked with landlord to look at the setup and listened to him talk about how many people come through there and how they saw it as a way to capture more business.
kenna asked a few questions, and asked if i had any. i just asked what changed between us asking permission to have a satellite location, and them not granting us permission, to them having the space.
he said something about us declining a space close to it, and that we only wanted the lobby.
we agreed on the way back to the store from there that he is a dick, and that it was wrong for them to do it, when we're already struggling there.
so we went back to the store. looking around, talking, and brainstorming ways to fix the business there and make it better.
then went to the store i work every day. and i was pleasantly surprised that she wasn't thrown off by things that we're doing there. she was complimentary. it felt good.
and then to the drama store, which was super clean and ready for her visit, and she had few things to fix there as well.
while we were there, we found out we had a meeting at suck store with the douchebag landlord guy, and his boss.
so we went back to suck store to meet with them.
seriously? it was the craziest meeting i've ever been a part of.
before they showed up, she asked what i wanted to hear.
and i said, 'honestly, i just want them to be honest. and if they want us out, which is how it feels, i wish they'd just say they want us to go.'
and they came in and sat down, and landlord's boss did all the talking.
and he said, 'it's fortuitous that you are in town. we want you to leave.'
hold on. wait. WHAAAAAAT?
i looked at him with complete shock. and she did, too.
he went on to say that they want us to move out, because they want our space for other things, and that it is not a reflection on who we are or what we do, who works there, or anything like that.
i stared at the wall, shaking angry. these greedy fucks are kicking us out? are you serious?
she wanted to talk it out, and put in her two cents, but i was ready to walk out after he said it. there's no point talking after that.
all i said was, 'it would have been nice to find this out before we lost a ton of money and killed ourselves moving this summer.'
the guy tony was the biggest dick.
he just put it so bluntly.
'you guys are in breach of contract. either you take the second space, or you leave. we both know that you'll lose money if you reopen that space and ride out the two years of your contract. so we want you to leave. and if you stay, we'll continue to sell all the same products you sell.'
it was so unbelievable. i had already told her before coming here that there was a rumor about the kiosk. and that she needed to see what was in our contract for no compete, and she told me that the default is to not pay rent and leave.
so i knew, i guess.
i felt it.
and i called it.
i'm impressed that she didn't cry. she's had that store since 1993. i've wanted to close it and use the setup where our other awesome stores are for two years now. since they put our contract on the chopping block.
in any case, she said that the doctors are going to flip, that we've been there forever.
they just don't care.
greedy fucks.
so it was shocking. we didn't really recover from it when we went our separate ways home at 4.
we have two meetings tomorrow, and the bright side of all this is that we can do what i've been wanting to do for two years, and move that setup into a space we already have permission to fill.
luckily this happened today before that meeting tomorrow. because now we can make that top priority.
it's scary to me. because i just went from running a company of three stores, down to two.
so i feel like my job was threatened for a minute.
but now i just have to turn this into a more lucrative thing, and redeem myself, and then maybe ask for a raise. because it's been a year.
crazy day.
so i came home, kindof dazed still. i just can't get over him telling us to leave, and basically threatening us with making it even harder on us if we stay.
and i ate some food.
and did what kit told me to do.
we talked last night, at the bar, over a beer. and she said i have to ask sam about the boy from friday.
because we had an entire discussion about making out with younger guys/crushing on younger guys, and that, if i'm afraid of peeing in the pool, then i need to also make sure that sam isn't interested in this dude.
she said a week is too long to wait to ask, just to go there (tonight) and ask her if she's interested in him.
so i was super nervous. but i went over. and as i was smoking before going inside, i got a couple texts from the writer about the book i sent him. i sent it to be borrowed, but i think he thinks it was a gift, so i guess i'll just get another copy at strand. he was talking about sending a book to me in exchange.
in any case, i went in. got a beer.
sat all awkward at the bar alone. again. only this time, there was no cute boy on my right having a ton of fun with me.
and she went for a smoke, so i said i'd join her, thinking this was my time to ask. and this guy who she knows followed us out.
so i couldn't do it.
and there i was, again, beating myself up. but i didn't want to ask in front of him.
so i went back in and finished my beer. and when she brought me my change, i did it.
i said, 'so that guy i was talking to on friday, tim?'
and she remembered.
'is he on your short list of boys?'
she was confused.
'we were talking about crushing on 24 year old dudes to make out with.'
and she laughed, and said she never hooked up with him.
and i said, 'oh, i just meant...yeah. i wanted to make sure you weren't interested.'
and she said she knows him through this guy and that he is a good kid.
that she had drinks with him once and went to a game with him.
which he had told me.
i told her that i had a lot of fun with him, that i liked him, and was he a nice guy.
she said he is a good guy, and that the guy he lives with is moving out of their place, and that she didn't know if he was staying or not. but that she would find out. and laughed again.
so i said goodnight. and left.
and was proud of myself.
i did it. and it went as well as possible.
and now, she will work a little bit of magic.
and i have a sneaking suspicion that she will mention my asking about him when he goes back.
also, i would like to add that hot bartender was there.
and i ignored him. didn't even smile at him.
and because of where i was sitting, on the end again, i saw him look at me a few times out of the corner of my eye, while watching arrested development without sound, and laughing, because i knew the episode.
do boys pay attention to you more when you ignore them? what is that about?
maybe i'm hypersensitive to my clark kent fake boyfriend. but i couldn't make myself look at him, and i almost felt like he was waiting for me to.
it must have been all those nights spent staring at him lustfully while he worked.
just like i sensed him looking at me tonight, he surely knows i just stare when i think i can get away with it.
something else:
when i came in from the cigarette with her, there were two quarters by my beer that weren't there when i walked outside.
i always put my coaster over my beer, and that was untouched. but two mystery quarters were there.
i asked two of my bartender friends if they knew what that was about. no one knew. so i gave them to sam.
i don't know.
i just felt so pathetic at the bar alone.
the only thing that made me feel better was sending the writer a text that said i'd have a beer at the bar alone in his honor, and his response that he was doing the same.
i wish he was closer. i think we'd be fast, lonely, drinking friends.
so now, i sit back, and with a completely clear conscience, hope that i run into that boy tim again. and that sam will tip me off if he shows up and asks about me.
to catch up.
yesterday was kenna's first day in town.
i went to work early, and then picked her up from the airport. we spent a lot of time talking about my personal life, not as much talking business.
she wanted to know how i am doing, what i'm doing, etc.
and i shocked the shit out of her when i said that i am probably moving to florida this summer.
i was afraid to bring it up, because i don't want her to worry about her business, and i can't help but feel like she'd be threatened by my leaving.
but we talked about it, and i think that as long as we have a plan in place, it will be okay. she wants whoever takes over for me to shadow me for at least two months.
this entire conversation took place yesterday, and after getting into receipts and things, i felt a lot better about the job i'm doing than i have been.
i've been fixing things, and making the stores operate more streamlined than they have been, so i guess i'm realizing that i'm doing a decent job.
today, we started off the day at suck store. i walked in, and cat told me that they opened the coffee kiosk. because the cafeteria hasn't stolen enough business from us already. we walked with landlord to look at the setup and listened to him talk about how many people come through there and how they saw it as a way to capture more business.
kenna asked a few questions, and asked if i had any. i just asked what changed between us asking permission to have a satellite location, and them not granting us permission, to them having the space.
he said something about us declining a space close to it, and that we only wanted the lobby.
we agreed on the way back to the store from there that he is a dick, and that it was wrong for them to do it, when we're already struggling there.
so we went back to the store. looking around, talking, and brainstorming ways to fix the business there and make it better.
then went to the store i work every day. and i was pleasantly surprised that she wasn't thrown off by things that we're doing there. she was complimentary. it felt good.
and then to the drama store, which was super clean and ready for her visit, and she had few things to fix there as well.
while we were there, we found out we had a meeting at suck store with the douchebag landlord guy, and his boss.
so we went back to suck store to meet with them.
seriously? it was the craziest meeting i've ever been a part of.
before they showed up, she asked what i wanted to hear.
and i said, 'honestly, i just want them to be honest. and if they want us out, which is how it feels, i wish they'd just say they want us to go.'
and they came in and sat down, and landlord's boss did all the talking.
and he said, 'it's fortuitous that you are in town. we want you to leave.'
hold on. wait. WHAAAAAAT?
i looked at him with complete shock. and she did, too.
he went on to say that they want us to move out, because they want our space for other things, and that it is not a reflection on who we are or what we do, who works there, or anything like that.
i stared at the wall, shaking angry. these greedy fucks are kicking us out? are you serious?
she wanted to talk it out, and put in her two cents, but i was ready to walk out after he said it. there's no point talking after that.
all i said was, 'it would have been nice to find this out before we lost a ton of money and killed ourselves moving this summer.'
the guy tony was the biggest dick.
he just put it so bluntly.
'you guys are in breach of contract. either you take the second space, or you leave. we both know that you'll lose money if you reopen that space and ride out the two years of your contract. so we want you to leave. and if you stay, we'll continue to sell all the same products you sell.'
it was so unbelievable. i had already told her before coming here that there was a rumor about the kiosk. and that she needed to see what was in our contract for no compete, and she told me that the default is to not pay rent and leave.
so i knew, i guess.
i felt it.
and i called it.
i'm impressed that she didn't cry. she's had that store since 1993. i've wanted to close it and use the setup where our other awesome stores are for two years now. since they put our contract on the chopping block.
in any case, she said that the doctors are going to flip, that we've been there forever.
they just don't care.
greedy fucks.
so it was shocking. we didn't really recover from it when we went our separate ways home at 4.
we have two meetings tomorrow, and the bright side of all this is that we can do what i've been wanting to do for two years, and move that setup into a space we already have permission to fill.
luckily this happened today before that meeting tomorrow. because now we can make that top priority.
it's scary to me. because i just went from running a company of three stores, down to two.
so i feel like my job was threatened for a minute.
but now i just have to turn this into a more lucrative thing, and redeem myself, and then maybe ask for a raise. because it's been a year.
crazy day.
so i came home, kindof dazed still. i just can't get over him telling us to leave, and basically threatening us with making it even harder on us if we stay.
and i ate some food.
and did what kit told me to do.
we talked last night, at the bar, over a beer. and she said i have to ask sam about the boy from friday.
because we had an entire discussion about making out with younger guys/crushing on younger guys, and that, if i'm afraid of peeing in the pool, then i need to also make sure that sam isn't interested in this dude.
she said a week is too long to wait to ask, just to go there (tonight) and ask her if she's interested in him.
so i was super nervous. but i went over. and as i was smoking before going inside, i got a couple texts from the writer about the book i sent him. i sent it to be borrowed, but i think he thinks it was a gift, so i guess i'll just get another copy at strand. he was talking about sending a book to me in exchange.
in any case, i went in. got a beer.
sat all awkward at the bar alone. again. only this time, there was no cute boy on my right having a ton of fun with me.
and she went for a smoke, so i said i'd join her, thinking this was my time to ask. and this guy who she knows followed us out.
so i couldn't do it.
and there i was, again, beating myself up. but i didn't want to ask in front of him.
so i went back in and finished my beer. and when she brought me my change, i did it.
i said, 'so that guy i was talking to on friday, tim?'
and she remembered.
'is he on your short list of boys?'
she was confused.
'we were talking about crushing on 24 year old dudes to make out with.'
and she laughed, and said she never hooked up with him.
and i said, 'oh, i just meant...yeah. i wanted to make sure you weren't interested.'
and she said she knows him through this guy and that he is a good kid.
that she had drinks with him once and went to a game with him.
which he had told me.
i told her that i had a lot of fun with him, that i liked him, and was he a nice guy.
she said he is a good guy, and that the guy he lives with is moving out of their place, and that she didn't know if he was staying or not. but that she would find out. and laughed again.
so i said goodnight. and left.
and was proud of myself.
i did it. and it went as well as possible.
and now, she will work a little bit of magic.
and i have a sneaking suspicion that she will mention my asking about him when he goes back.
also, i would like to add that hot bartender was there.
and i ignored him. didn't even smile at him.
and because of where i was sitting, on the end again, i saw him look at me a few times out of the corner of my eye, while watching arrested development without sound, and laughing, because i knew the episode.
do boys pay attention to you more when you ignore them? what is that about?
maybe i'm hypersensitive to my clark kent fake boyfriend. but i couldn't make myself look at him, and i almost felt like he was waiting for me to.
it must have been all those nights spent staring at him lustfully while he worked.
just like i sensed him looking at me tonight, he surely knows i just stare when i think i can get away with it.
something else:
when i came in from the cigarette with her, there were two quarters by my beer that weren't there when i walked outside.
i always put my coaster over my beer, and that was untouched. but two mystery quarters were there.
i asked two of my bartender friends if they knew what that was about. no one knew. so i gave them to sam.
i don't know.
i just felt so pathetic at the bar alone.
the only thing that made me feel better was sending the writer a text that said i'd have a beer at the bar alone in his honor, and his response that he was doing the same.
i wish he was closer. i think we'd be fast, lonely, drinking friends.
so now, i sit back, and with a completely clear conscience, hope that i run into that boy tim again. and that sam will tip me off if he shows up and asks about me.
rtw 113. 10/31/10
again & again & again.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
no matter how much i think i will.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
no one seems to be able to help me with this.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always drink too fast.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even when my shrink holds my hand.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even though i want to more than anything.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
friday was the perfect example of that.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always rush into things with my heart.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
because i don't think before i speak.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll make the same shitty decisions every time.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even when i try.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always depend on others to make me happy.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll never be truly comfortable alone in social situations.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll stay home instead, where i'm happy being alone.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably make a bad decision when it comes to choosing the person i want to be with.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably never be debt free.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always shop when i don't have money to spend. to try to make myself feel better.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll make hasty decisions without thinking of the big picture.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
having food around that isn't good for me will always be eaten.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
there will always be crumbs in my sheets.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always choose the less expensive thing, even when quality is at stake.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always think there's going to be a next time.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always opt to keep my mouth shut when i should just say what i want.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always take the passive approach.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll procrastinate until the day i die. luckily, i work well under pressure.
25 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i might never be truly happy, the majority of the time.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably never brush my teeth at night.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
but i'm getting better at flossing.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
unless ever tries to teach me.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
crash dieting will always work drastically, and temporarily. carb addict.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i need a job that changes, not one that stays the same.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i need a passport.
32 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always be online.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably always stalk from afar instead of just asking.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll drink coffee until it doesn't taste good, and will be up all night.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always go to sleep just to dream.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always depend on my parents to get me out of bad situations.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll bottle up my feelings, sometimes without knowing i am, and then snap.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'm getting tired of doing this. am i at 50 yet?
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll have great ideas, and not execute them.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i like to start and never finish.
40 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
and look where it got me.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always choose the broken ones.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i don't stand up for myself.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll undervalue my worth.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always forget.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always wait for the perfect time. and that time never comes.
46 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
because of that, i'll probably always miss out.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
boys are dumb.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always get my hopes up.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even when i don't want to.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always bite off more than i can chew.
surprised: how many always and nevers there are. no middle ground. and it's pretty harsh and negative. especially the phrase i thought of to repeat.
dangerous: drink too fast, rush into things with my heart, always depend on others to make me happy, bottle up feelings and snap,
charged: opt to keep my mouth shut when i should just say what i want, might never be truly happy, the majority of the time, have great ideas, and not execute them, and look where it got me, i'll probably always miss out, always get my hopes up
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
no matter how much i think i will.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
no one seems to be able to help me with this.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always drink too fast.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even when my shrink holds my hand.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even though i want to more than anything.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
friday was the perfect example of that.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always rush into things with my heart.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
because i don't think before i speak.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll make the same shitty decisions every time.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even when i try.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always depend on others to make me happy.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll never be truly comfortable alone in social situations.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll stay home instead, where i'm happy being alone.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably make a bad decision when it comes to choosing the person i want to be with.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably never be debt free.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always shop when i don't have money to spend. to try to make myself feel better.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll make hasty decisions without thinking of the big picture.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
having food around that isn't good for me will always be eaten.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
there will always be crumbs in my sheets.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always choose the less expensive thing, even when quality is at stake.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always think there's going to be a next time.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always opt to keep my mouth shut when i should just say what i want.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always take the passive approach.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll procrastinate until the day i die. luckily, i work well under pressure.
25 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i might never be truly happy, the majority of the time.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably never brush my teeth at night.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
but i'm getting better at flossing.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
unless ever tries to teach me.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
crash dieting will always work drastically, and temporarily. carb addict.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i need a job that changes, not one that stays the same.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i need a passport.
32 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always be online.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll probably always stalk from afar instead of just asking.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll drink coffee until it doesn't taste good, and will be up all night.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always go to sleep just to dream.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always depend on my parents to get me out of bad situations.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll bottle up my feelings, sometimes without knowing i am, and then snap.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'm getting tired of doing this. am i at 50 yet?
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll have great ideas, and not execute them.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i like to start and never finish.
40 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
and look where it got me.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always choose the broken ones.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i don't stand up for myself.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll undervalue my worth.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always forget.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always wait for the perfect time. and that time never comes.
46 i'm never going to learn my lesson.
because of that, i'll probably always miss out.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
boys are dumb.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always get my hopes up.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
even when i don't want to.
i'm never going to learn my lesson.
i'll always bite off more than i can chew.
surprised: how many always and nevers there are. no middle ground. and it's pretty harsh and negative. especially the phrase i thought of to repeat.
dangerous: drink too fast, rush into things with my heart, always depend on others to make me happy, bottle up feelings and snap,
charged: opt to keep my mouth shut when i should just say what i want, might never be truly happy, the majority of the time, have great ideas, and not execute them, and look where it got me, i'll probably always miss out, always get my hopes up
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