he is just gone.
and i doubt he'll ever be back when i'm back.
today was crazy.
good crazy, but crazy. little things were lining up.
i laid around this morning after not sleeping in as late as i wanted.
i thought about last night, trying to feel less sad, which wasn't hard to do. last night sucked.
i realize how much faith i have in something good happening to me. and i know all too well that things happen when you don't expect them to.
and i walked to where my car was parked, and moved it back to the street by my apartment. had some coffee and food, and then packed up to leave for the bridge opening.
i knew there would be a lot of people there, then doubted it. and as i got within a few blocks, i realized that it was going to be quite a party. and as per the usual, people in philadelphia drink at any opportunity. apparently, the bridge opening was a pretty good reason to drink.
lauren met me at three, and after walking the bridge alone and taking picures for an hour, when i met her, we went again. listened to the mayor speak through drunken shouting. and headed to a bar to join the festivities.
had an awesome burger that i hadn't had in a while. when the bar got flooded and the service continued to suck, we paid the tab and left. the server didn't have our beers on the tab, so we left happier than we were going to leave, and went to the fancier bar for a second beer.
and i had another half pint after that, then switched to seltzer to avoid being swervy. i walked her to her train after several hours of great company. it felt good to be out and in the thick of the fun with a friend who can relate to most of what i've been going through.
walking back, i was in alice's neighborhood. i'd intended to go home and watch another tearjerker of a movie, but as i passed the diviest dive bar in the city, she said she was inside. so i joined her for two beers.
it was a day of having beers with friends. i didn't overdo it by any stretch, i paced myself exquisitely well, and didn't even have a buzz when i walked home from there.
seeing alice was awesome, though our stories competed for the title of 'worst week in a long time'.
commiserating with a friend at the bar is so much easier than drinking alone at the bar and trying to hide my misery.
and i wonder, after the conversations i had today, if it is out of necessity that i'm so content to sleep alone.
i was afraid of it in the beginning. i know i must have felt less safe for a while, not having a man in the bed to keep me safe and watch out for me.
ever slept like the dead, so i guess i didn't feel much safer with him there. maybe that was the trick to it.
but when someone shares my bed with me, i don't sleep. it happened when chalk was here, and it happened my entire life before him.
i have always been the girl that watches the boy sleep. the heavy chest, the quiet snoring. eyelid movements. contact with another warm body wakes me up again, and nuzzling is substituted for sleep.
i don't know. i'm glad it's that way, because if it wasn't, i think nine months into a cold bed would be killing me by now. eight months ago today, i left ever.
i realized that at the bar with alice.
it's been a long, long time.
and i think that's why i'm letting myself think about possibilities.
i don't care that the divorce isn't final.
i know that almost everyone i know who has either gone through one, or a breakup that feels like one, didn't wait very long to start seeking out someone to fill that void.
i'm almost at a year, it's true. in three short months, i'll be at that day.
so i guess i need to cut myself some slack, and let myself have some fun, if by some small miracle, fun finds its way into my life again. in the form of a boy.
i'm going to be okay. it's okay to be this sad. i'm supposed to be, from what i can tell.
it's okay that this week made me not want to get out of bed. at all. any day this week. it's okay that it's a struggle to get up and go to work.
it's okay that there have been a run of weeks since september where i didn't feel like things were ever going to get better. that every week, i tell myself, 'if i can just survive this week, next week will be easier'. and that every week, it's harder than the one before.
it says something that i still tell myself the same thing every week, to get to the other end of it. and that the week ends, and the weekend begins, and i feel worse, but somehow better. relieved of real life for a couple days.
as sick of this all as i am becoming, i'm glad that i'm doing this well, i guess. yeah, i'm drinking, but who doesn't when they go through something similar. i haven't made any drunken mistakes, except for the one where my inaction was my mistake.
i haven't compromised what i want for myself. in fact, i have proven to myself that if it is just sex that i want, i am capable of getting that, without complicating it like i was afraid that i would.
and now, all i'm saying, is that i'm okay with letting things get complicated, if the situation arises.
everywhere i walked today, in a sea of maybe a thousand people, give or take, i was looking for that little white knit hat, atop the head of a boy who is barely taller than me. and i saw my stalker, and a few customers. and no boy in a white hat.
it's okay to want more of that night.
and i don't have to go to the same bar every night to run into him.
if i'm supposed to, i will.
if there is such a thing as fate or destiny or whatever you want to name it.
and if i don't, then all i can do is tell myself that his version of complicating things is not what i am supposed to experience. maybe he is a total dick, and was just working me. maybe it's what he does.
it didn't feel that way, but i am a professional at attaching meaning and feelings to things which don't deserve or demand them.
i think that is why that movie upset me so much.
i just put so much thought and energy and emotion into something so insignificant. and i get carried away.
but, like nina said in her post to me, i am learning. and there's going to be a learning curve, and maybe this boy was it for me.
maybe i'm only at the first plotted point on the graph, at the beginning of the curve that will incline steeply. maybe i'm in the middle. until i am in a situation that is more than just one tiny window of conversation, there might not be a way to tell.
but somewhere out there, there is a boy who i'll be allowed to like. and it will be nice to be liked back.
in the deleted scenes, there was a part about saying 'i love you'. in a girl to boy kindof a way. and i can't really picture myself having feelings that strong for someone. and that makes me feel like i'm doing okay with this whole thing.
i heard someone say it on the phone behind me today, and i almost turned around to look at the guy, because it sounded foreign to me. i say it to my friends all the time. but it's almost like i just forgot that boys can say it to girls that they care about.
i feel much more even keeled tonight. i'm not going to lie - it's cold as shit outside. and i would love to be warmed up by a cute boy.
but tonight doesn't feel as lonely as last night did.
and i have my friends to thank for that.
lauren, alice. thank you for saving me from myself today.
i needed it. i don't think i could have taken another night alone, the way i felt last night.
i'm here if you need me. and i would be delighted to return the favor.
it was a shitty week.
maybe this week will be better.
tomorrow will be okay. whatever happens.
and i will survive this week.
just like the one before. and just like the one before that.
i guess i'm back to using mantras again. it's been a while...
alone. november 6th, technically.
227 am, to be precise.
i am... alone.
i am... lonely.
and 500 days of summer? i liked all but the ending.
i did need to see it.
and really, i did need to see it tonight.
this is what my friday was supposed to be.
going to favorite bar six days this week made me feel pathetic.
i am pathetic.
my choices are poor.
and it was stupid.
i try to force things into happening. and it never works for me.
no matter how many times i am taught the lesson of 'there may not be a next time', i make the same choices.
i have to stop.
because this sucks.
there will never be a 'next time'.
and believing that there might be is what makes me sit home alone with a big pile of regrets adn snotty tissues.
it felt good to cry.
i cried more than i probably would have on any other given night, under many other given circumstances.
maybe this is what was supposed to happen.
i think that i stopped believing that things happen for a reason.
because the reasons pile up and weigh me down.
and then there's nothing else.
just one more pile to sort and organize and clean up later.
probably when i'm hoping for company.
it's late and i'm beyond tired.
and yet i don't know how i will go to sleep.
'i wanted so badly someone other than me, staring back at me.'
maybe that's what i need. august and everything after.
but that will only lead me to coffee.
and that is something i have no desire to go back to.
i wish it didn't. he ruined it for me.
there is always a dream, i guess.
i'm proud of myself for going bowling with ash tonight.
because if i hadn't, and if i'd stayed home and waited all night for something that didn't happen, i would have wondered about it.
i had fun.
and in hindsight, i should have just stayed.
i don't think i can go back to favorite bar. probably for a week. i need to cleanse myself of it, and the way it makes me feel. self conscious.
there are other things i can do. other places i can go.
i'll be at the ceremony tomorrow, when they reopen the bridge a few blocks from here. i might take miss breezey.
just ride my bike and work it out. maybe i'll bike the path. all the way up to the northeast. maybe i'll want to keep going.
and maybe i won't even get out of bed.
i'm really glad i have an appointment with my shrink.
it really kindof can't get here fast enough.
i am... alone.
i am... lonely.
and 500 days of summer? i liked all but the ending.
i did need to see it.
and really, i did need to see it tonight.
this is what my friday was supposed to be.
going to favorite bar six days this week made me feel pathetic.
i am pathetic.
my choices are poor.
and it was stupid.
i try to force things into happening. and it never works for me.
no matter how many times i am taught the lesson of 'there may not be a next time', i make the same choices.
i have to stop.
because this sucks.
there will never be a 'next time'.
and believing that there might be is what makes me sit home alone with a big pile of regrets adn snotty tissues.
it felt good to cry.
i cried more than i probably would have on any other given night, under many other given circumstances.
maybe this is what was supposed to happen.
i think that i stopped believing that things happen for a reason.
because the reasons pile up and weigh me down.
and then there's nothing else.
just one more pile to sort and organize and clean up later.
probably when i'm hoping for company.
it's late and i'm beyond tired.
and yet i don't know how i will go to sleep.
'i wanted so badly someone other than me, staring back at me.'
maybe that's what i need. august and everything after.
but that will only lead me to coffee.
and that is something i have no desire to go back to.
i wish it didn't. he ruined it for me.
there is always a dream, i guess.
i'm proud of myself for going bowling with ash tonight.
because if i hadn't, and if i'd stayed home and waited all night for something that didn't happen, i would have wondered about it.
i had fun.
and in hindsight, i should have just stayed.
i don't think i can go back to favorite bar. probably for a week. i need to cleanse myself of it, and the way it makes me feel. self conscious.
there are other things i can do. other places i can go.
i'll be at the ceremony tomorrow, when they reopen the bridge a few blocks from here. i might take miss breezey.
just ride my bike and work it out. maybe i'll bike the path. all the way up to the northeast. maybe i'll want to keep going.
and maybe i won't even get out of bed.
i'm really glad i have an appointment with my shrink.
it really kindof can't get here fast enough.
fake it til i make it. november 5th.
ever didn't pay the homeowners insurance bill.
so i'm splitting him off of my account.
and i put $500 aside in savings today. i'm up to $800. this is getting exciting, because it means i'm close to going home. $900 was my goal. and i still have 45 days until my trip. iiieeeee!
i can now pay my rent when i don't get paid to be on vacation.
i've been nauseous all day, because it is friday, and i have a very real plan to go see if that boy is at favorite bar, same day and time as last week.
i kept having random thoughts about it today while i was driving all over for work. and having heart flutters and sick pangs in my gut. it was awful. yet, i was smiling about it.
i woke up with a migraine. i know it's the usual hormone headache, but the fact that i came home drunk last night after two beers with kit definitely didn't help.
i felt like shit, as is the case most fridays, when i know that i can stay up late and drink more and sleep in.
god, i had another awesome dream last night.
and i actually woke up at 430 and fell asleep and continued the dream! it was awesome.
it went something like this:
i dreamed a name this time. terry mcadams. obviously this is not a person in my life. or anyone i have met. if it is a celebrity name, that would make some sense.
i don't like the name terry, but whatever.
so i was hanging out with a bunch of people in a big house. i think sam was there. a few other people.
and one of the girls liked this guy and invited him over. but he liked me. it didn't register until the end of the dream that i'd done a pretty dick thing to one of my girl friends. i don't remember now who it was.
he had tattooes. a lot of them. on his forearm, he had this crooked hand.
he was a bike guy, so he had that flat bike tool on him all the time. at the end of my dream, he'd left it at my place, and i returned it to him.
we all went swimming in a lake, diving off a dock. the lake had lilypads almost to the surface of the water, it was freaky and gross swimming through them. you couldn't swim on the surface and not feel them.
at some point he kissed me.
then we were making out for a while, on the floor in my living room, which wasn't really my living room. and i said that my room was a mess, but we could lay on the bed instead, to be more comfortable.
he was part of some group. like greenpeace or something.
and i was thinking we were about to have sex, and all these people he knows come into my place, for a meeting or something. try to recruit me. and this guy found this box of cookie cutters and donut cutters in my apartment, and started making donuts for us.
i woke up at some point to pee, and when i went back to sleep, the dream continued.
i kept asking him to do something the next day, and he kept saying he had something to do. i guess i was so excited about meeting him that i kept forgetting.
and at some point, i realized that i was probably upsetting the girl who liked him by moving in on her man, but in a way i didn't care because he was so awesome.
and i kept tihnking that he was going to end up being a jerk, but he wasn't.
and the house was across the street from my apartment, and i didnt have curtains, so i was afraid ever would see everything. then realized in my sleep that wasn't possible, because the house and the apartment weren't on the same street.
i woke up warm, wrapped up in my comforter, and with a pillow over my head. it was awesome. except for the migraine.
so i got up, took some motrin, and tried to sleep until it worked. i probably laid in bed in the dark for 45 minutes until it went away. it made me feel sick.
then to my store, then suck store, then the office, then back to my store, then home.
now i'm commencing friday rituals. clean the apartment. clean myself up. and to the bar at 1030 or 11.
my fingers are crossed.
i really really REALLY hope he goes back. not even to try to see me. but just happens to be there.
i'll hit him over the head with a frying pan this time, i swear.
i'll leave nothing to chance this time.
i'll do my best to bring him home with me.
i really want to make out. all these dreams and everything. it's killing me to wake up from that alone. just this boy. just this night.
please please please? stars. please. just align already.
kit brought 500 days of summer to me last night.
told me not to watch it unless he doesn't show up tonight.
i might beat her to the punch and watch it after i clean. to kill time. i hate waiting. i hate killing time. and the hormonal state of my being right now could really use a good cry, and i'm afraid to watch this movie regardless, and i am certain it will make me cry, even though i know nothing about it.
i absolutely refuse to sit there for more than one beer alone tonight. night 6 of 7 in the last week.
so i have to time it right, not like halloween eve.
and kit also instructed me to talk to hot bartender. she thinks he feels left out, because we are friends with every other person there. i'm not supposed to know his name, so i'll introduce myself and see what happens. she talked to him about his wedding one night when she was there when i wasn't, because she hadn't really talked to him at length either.
and she said he seemed happy to talk and be talked to.
so i guess, even if tim doesn't appear, i can always talk to hot bartender through the course of a beer.
and i think sam is off because of her birthday, so i am totally on my own tonight. which i hate. but will pretend that i don't.
fake it til i make it.
mmhmm.
kit was getting frustrated with coaching me last night.
she wants to help me, but is struggling to work under these conditions.
first of all, i'm a serial monogamist (which is a fun word to try to say when you're druuuunk). and there was this hot guy who smelled incredible sitting next to me last night. and she was nudging me to tell him. of course, i waited until he was leaving, to avoid embarrassing myself and then having to sit next to him while he finished his beer.
so i touched his (mmmm) arm as he was leaving, and said 'you smell really good'.
and kit was coming back from the bathroom and said he smiled all the way out the door, what did i say to him?
and she yelled at me (not really) for not doing it earlier to have conversation.
whatever. he seemed like the type of guy who knows he looks and smells good. plus, all i can think about is tim, so whatever.
i will never succeed at this game, i know. and i'm okay with that. because i don't care to be good at it.
i will protect my heart as much as i can. which is what i'm doing by only trying to have one conversation with one boy at one time.
i'm not going to try to talk to five guys, because that is five possible rejections, and i am not strong enough to endure that.
and i won't pursue something. really, i don't pursue anything, because then i don't have to put myself out there. i like letting it come to me. only it never does. but it's better than being shot down, in my eyes.
tim is different. i'm encouraged enough by his interaction with me to feel like it's a safe bet.
a sure thing.
light a candle for me. think toward thoughts. i need all the help i can get.
so i'm splitting him off of my account.
and i put $500 aside in savings today. i'm up to $800. this is getting exciting, because it means i'm close to going home. $900 was my goal. and i still have 45 days until my trip. iiieeeee!
i can now pay my rent when i don't get paid to be on vacation.
i've been nauseous all day, because it is friday, and i have a very real plan to go see if that boy is at favorite bar, same day and time as last week.
i kept having random thoughts about it today while i was driving all over for work. and having heart flutters and sick pangs in my gut. it was awful. yet, i was smiling about it.
i woke up with a migraine. i know it's the usual hormone headache, but the fact that i came home drunk last night after two beers with kit definitely didn't help.
i felt like shit, as is the case most fridays, when i know that i can stay up late and drink more and sleep in.
god, i had another awesome dream last night.
and i actually woke up at 430 and fell asleep and continued the dream! it was awesome.
it went something like this:
i dreamed a name this time. terry mcadams. obviously this is not a person in my life. or anyone i have met. if it is a celebrity name, that would make some sense.
i don't like the name terry, but whatever.
so i was hanging out with a bunch of people in a big house. i think sam was there. a few other people.
and one of the girls liked this guy and invited him over. but he liked me. it didn't register until the end of the dream that i'd done a pretty dick thing to one of my girl friends. i don't remember now who it was.
he had tattooes. a lot of them. on his forearm, he had this crooked hand.
he was a bike guy, so he had that flat bike tool on him all the time. at the end of my dream, he'd left it at my place, and i returned it to him.
we all went swimming in a lake, diving off a dock. the lake had lilypads almost to the surface of the water, it was freaky and gross swimming through them. you couldn't swim on the surface and not feel them.
at some point he kissed me.
then we were making out for a while, on the floor in my living room, which wasn't really my living room. and i said that my room was a mess, but we could lay on the bed instead, to be more comfortable.
he was part of some group. like greenpeace or something.
and i was thinking we were about to have sex, and all these people he knows come into my place, for a meeting or something. try to recruit me. and this guy found this box of cookie cutters and donut cutters in my apartment, and started making donuts for us.
i woke up at some point to pee, and when i went back to sleep, the dream continued.
i kept asking him to do something the next day, and he kept saying he had something to do. i guess i was so excited about meeting him that i kept forgetting.
and at some point, i realized that i was probably upsetting the girl who liked him by moving in on her man, but in a way i didn't care because he was so awesome.
and i kept tihnking that he was going to end up being a jerk, but he wasn't.
and the house was across the street from my apartment, and i didnt have curtains, so i was afraid ever would see everything. then realized in my sleep that wasn't possible, because the house and the apartment weren't on the same street.
i woke up warm, wrapped up in my comforter, and with a pillow over my head. it was awesome. except for the migraine.
so i got up, took some motrin, and tried to sleep until it worked. i probably laid in bed in the dark for 45 minutes until it went away. it made me feel sick.
then to my store, then suck store, then the office, then back to my store, then home.
now i'm commencing friday rituals. clean the apartment. clean myself up. and to the bar at 1030 or 11.
my fingers are crossed.
i really really REALLY hope he goes back. not even to try to see me. but just happens to be there.
i'll hit him over the head with a frying pan this time, i swear.
i'll leave nothing to chance this time.
i'll do my best to bring him home with me.
i really want to make out. all these dreams and everything. it's killing me to wake up from that alone. just this boy. just this night.
please please please? stars. please. just align already.
kit brought 500 days of summer to me last night.
told me not to watch it unless he doesn't show up tonight.
i might beat her to the punch and watch it after i clean. to kill time. i hate waiting. i hate killing time. and the hormonal state of my being right now could really use a good cry, and i'm afraid to watch this movie regardless, and i am certain it will make me cry, even though i know nothing about it.
i absolutely refuse to sit there for more than one beer alone tonight. night 6 of 7 in the last week.
so i have to time it right, not like halloween eve.
and kit also instructed me to talk to hot bartender. she thinks he feels left out, because we are friends with every other person there. i'm not supposed to know his name, so i'll introduce myself and see what happens. she talked to him about his wedding one night when she was there when i wasn't, because she hadn't really talked to him at length either.
and she said he seemed happy to talk and be talked to.
so i guess, even if tim doesn't appear, i can always talk to hot bartender through the course of a beer.
and i think sam is off because of her birthday, so i am totally on my own tonight. which i hate. but will pretend that i don't.
fake it til i make it.
mmhmm.
kit was getting frustrated with coaching me last night.
she wants to help me, but is struggling to work under these conditions.
first of all, i'm a serial monogamist (which is a fun word to try to say when you're druuuunk). and there was this hot guy who smelled incredible sitting next to me last night. and she was nudging me to tell him. of course, i waited until he was leaving, to avoid embarrassing myself and then having to sit next to him while he finished his beer.
so i touched his (mmmm) arm as he was leaving, and said 'you smell really good'.
and kit was coming back from the bathroom and said he smiled all the way out the door, what did i say to him?
and she yelled at me (not really) for not doing it earlier to have conversation.
whatever. he seemed like the type of guy who knows he looks and smells good. plus, all i can think about is tim, so whatever.
i will never succeed at this game, i know. and i'm okay with that. because i don't care to be good at it.
i will protect my heart as much as i can. which is what i'm doing by only trying to have one conversation with one boy at one time.
i'm not going to try to talk to five guys, because that is five possible rejections, and i am not strong enough to endure that.
and i won't pursue something. really, i don't pursue anything, because then i don't have to put myself out there. i like letting it come to me. only it never does. but it's better than being shot down, in my eyes.
tim is different. i'm encouraged enough by his interaction with me to feel like it's a safe bet.
a sure thing.
light a candle for me. think toward thoughts. i need all the help i can get.
drained and strained. november 4th.
i am pretty stressed out.
i feel like a taut wire.
i can hear that metal stretching sound in my mind. like when you tune a guitar and tighten the string too far.
tomorrow is my day to sleep in, so i'm pretty happy about that.
this morning, my alarm went off at 545, as planned.
but i knew i'd been getting to suck store early, so i hit snooze. knowing i could a couple more times, if i wanted.
fuck it. it's almost over. i can show up late if i want.
and my phone rang.
gave me a heart attack.
i was thinking, 'oh no, oh no' that someone was calling out or something.
it was this guy saying he was trying to get into my location and he was supposed to start work today.
i told him he had the wrong number. and went back to bed pissed.
was laying there about five minutes, and my phone rings again. same number.
'hey. i just told you. you have the wrong number.'
'well, i'm here with someone who works for you.'
and he hands her the phone as my 550 am brain thinks whaaaaa?
'hey, ash?'
'no. i told him he has the wrong number.'
hung up.
gave up on the snooze button.
who does that?
so i decided i'll give him a call at like 2 in the morning when i'm awake.
and ask for pedro or something.
and when he says i have the wrong number, i'll wait for him to fall back asleep.
and then call again.
that was how my day started.
it was pouring. so i drove over there, and accident. traffic.
i was already worked up about working the store, because i knew cat did a good job of telling people yesterday that we were getting kicked out.
and i was sad to have to interact with all of these people.
and the anger was bubbling up.
and right off the bat, customer number one was talking about it.
i knew it was going to be a bad day. well, a rough day.
and people were getting angrier and angrier.
and those fuckers were in the room we're in, walking around, looking at their side and at our side from their side, and being douchey.
and one of my customers saw them, and went up to them to tell them how she felt about it.
and then a set of two radiologists did the same thing.
and i knew i was in for it.
sure enough, tony (captain douchecanoe) left, and joe (assistant to the regional douchecanoe) came over and told me that tony said we can't use the language we're using to tell people that we're getting kicked out.
he approached me, 'hey, tea. how are you today?'
and i just looked at him. with death glare eyes. 'great.'
'i need to talk to you.'
i'm facing the wall, washing dishes.
'i'm listening. what is it?'
blah blah, language.
'look. you were sitting right there when he told us we have to leave. i'm being as pc as possible by saying that you're asking us to leave, when we're being forced out. we're not going to leave here without telling our customers what is going on. this is not our choice. he was a jerk, and he's lucky i'm not telling them everything he said in that meeting. you were there. you know what was said.'
'well, he is telling me, i'm in the middle.'
'right. and kenna is telling me, i'm in the middle, too. sounds to me like someone should be calling kenna. because i'm doing what i'm told. and being nicer than i want to be.'
oh my god. shaking mad.
he walked away and i got louder and more descriptive with the customers. if he had left me alone, things would have gone smoother.
and the two of them, breakfast, and again at lunch.
i wish they would choke.
i came home starving, because i refused to spend money on their food. i had a croissant at work in the morning, but couldn't justify cake for lunch, so i just had nothing. it sucked. i was so mad, i almost dropped like $15 to get pizza delivered in there, just to show them how i felt and prove a point. but i didn't.
i just don't know how people can be so inconsiderate and disrespectful, and then think they will get their wishes respected. kenna gave me permission to say things differently than i was. but i just hope they hear about this for months after we're gone.
three customers is nothing. they were three polite ones, too. in a way, i don't want people to put up a fight, because i want out. now. but i hope they give them the biggest rash of shit ever over this.
i need to not think about it. i was immersed in it all day today, and by the time my day was over, i'd almost forgotten that it was my responsibility to remove TEN CRATES of milk from the store. cat had ordered 12 gallons. they sent 12 cases (48 gallons). so i had to take it to my store.
so after dealing with all of that anger and frustration, it took an extra 40 minutes to get the fuck out of there. and then i had to go to my store instead of home to unpack it all and put it in the store.
seriously awful. and kenna wanted me to tell her details, so instead of smoking on my drive home, i had to have the windows up with speakerphone on.
i don't know. i came in, had ramen, and got my umbrella and went out for a smoke. and came inside, feeling like it was time for bed, because of how completely drained and exhausted i was. and it was 630.
i am a grandma. i can't wait for the time change.
i don't know.
after just last night getting sucked into 'the middle' and watching the three episodes of this season, tonight when i went to watch the fourth? gone! not on hulu anymore. not on abc anymore.
what the shit? why does this happen to me??
so now i struggle to find them elsewhere online. i can't believe this is the second season. it seems like the first.
it's awesome in any case. they'd better put them back online.
and after all of this angsty stressed stuff, i'd also like to add that it is about that time again.
i was telling nina the other night that i just can't help but to wonder if this is hormonal stuff happening.
and she said to figure it out, because i never write it down or pay attention.
yeah. so.
perfect storm sitting in this apartment.
and i would also like to thank nina.
sitting at suck store today, after the chew out from assistant douchecanoe, i got an email.
i cried at work.
she took my again & again post. and rewrote it for me.
seriously? it made me laugh and cry and laugh and cry again.
it was a lot to take in.
and then i got not one, but two emails from brownies.
so i kept myself distracted between tantrums.
oh, and? i got an appointment with the shrink.
it's not until november 29th, but if i can get there before that, i will. and if not, it's a failsafe.
it's going to be thanksgiving soon.
i'm going to be shutting down a store. again. soon.
and moving it. soon. and opening a new store. again. soon.
i'm so fucking tired. i don't know how i'm going to do it at all.
maybe this is going to be my thanksgiving week.
i am feeling ingrateful, if that is the case.
then again, with a 33% reduction in locations to manage, i'll be thankful to have a job.
i need to be in touch with the lawyer again.
i've fought the urge every single day to look at the mortgage site, because i know that there is no way in hell he could possibly have paid it yet.
but i think i will tonight. and email the lawyer to see if we get an emergency hearing or what.
ever's got the right idea. head in the sand trick really keeps the stress from my personal life at bay.
i think i'm doing this all wrong...
i feel like a taut wire.
i can hear that metal stretching sound in my mind. like when you tune a guitar and tighten the string too far.
tomorrow is my day to sleep in, so i'm pretty happy about that.
this morning, my alarm went off at 545, as planned.
but i knew i'd been getting to suck store early, so i hit snooze. knowing i could a couple more times, if i wanted.
fuck it. it's almost over. i can show up late if i want.
and my phone rang.
gave me a heart attack.
i was thinking, 'oh no, oh no' that someone was calling out or something.
it was this guy saying he was trying to get into my location and he was supposed to start work today.
i told him he had the wrong number. and went back to bed pissed.
was laying there about five minutes, and my phone rings again. same number.
'hey. i just told you. you have the wrong number.'
'well, i'm here with someone who works for you.'
and he hands her the phone as my 550 am brain thinks whaaaaa?
'hey, ash?'
'no. i told him he has the wrong number.'
hung up.
gave up on the snooze button.
who does that?
so i decided i'll give him a call at like 2 in the morning when i'm awake.
and ask for pedro or something.
and when he says i have the wrong number, i'll wait for him to fall back asleep.
and then call again.
that was how my day started.
it was pouring. so i drove over there, and accident. traffic.
i was already worked up about working the store, because i knew cat did a good job of telling people yesterday that we were getting kicked out.
and i was sad to have to interact with all of these people.
and the anger was bubbling up.
and right off the bat, customer number one was talking about it.
i knew it was going to be a bad day. well, a rough day.
and people were getting angrier and angrier.
and those fuckers were in the room we're in, walking around, looking at their side and at our side from their side, and being douchey.
and one of my customers saw them, and went up to them to tell them how she felt about it.
and then a set of two radiologists did the same thing.
and i knew i was in for it.
sure enough, tony (captain douchecanoe) left, and joe (assistant to the regional douchecanoe) came over and told me that tony said we can't use the language we're using to tell people that we're getting kicked out.
he approached me, 'hey, tea. how are you today?'
and i just looked at him. with death glare eyes. 'great.'
'i need to talk to you.'
i'm facing the wall, washing dishes.
'i'm listening. what is it?'
blah blah, language.
'look. you were sitting right there when he told us we have to leave. i'm being as pc as possible by saying that you're asking us to leave, when we're being forced out. we're not going to leave here without telling our customers what is going on. this is not our choice. he was a jerk, and he's lucky i'm not telling them everything he said in that meeting. you were there. you know what was said.'
'well, he is telling me, i'm in the middle.'
'right. and kenna is telling me, i'm in the middle, too. sounds to me like someone should be calling kenna. because i'm doing what i'm told. and being nicer than i want to be.'
oh my god. shaking mad.
he walked away and i got louder and more descriptive with the customers. if he had left me alone, things would have gone smoother.
and the two of them, breakfast, and again at lunch.
i wish they would choke.
i came home starving, because i refused to spend money on their food. i had a croissant at work in the morning, but couldn't justify cake for lunch, so i just had nothing. it sucked. i was so mad, i almost dropped like $15 to get pizza delivered in there, just to show them how i felt and prove a point. but i didn't.
i just don't know how people can be so inconsiderate and disrespectful, and then think they will get their wishes respected. kenna gave me permission to say things differently than i was. but i just hope they hear about this for months after we're gone.
three customers is nothing. they were three polite ones, too. in a way, i don't want people to put up a fight, because i want out. now. but i hope they give them the biggest rash of shit ever over this.
i need to not think about it. i was immersed in it all day today, and by the time my day was over, i'd almost forgotten that it was my responsibility to remove TEN CRATES of milk from the store. cat had ordered 12 gallons. they sent 12 cases (48 gallons). so i had to take it to my store.
so after dealing with all of that anger and frustration, it took an extra 40 minutes to get the fuck out of there. and then i had to go to my store instead of home to unpack it all and put it in the store.
seriously awful. and kenna wanted me to tell her details, so instead of smoking on my drive home, i had to have the windows up with speakerphone on.
i don't know. i came in, had ramen, and got my umbrella and went out for a smoke. and came inside, feeling like it was time for bed, because of how completely drained and exhausted i was. and it was 630.
i am a grandma. i can't wait for the time change.
i don't know.
after just last night getting sucked into 'the middle' and watching the three episodes of this season, tonight when i went to watch the fourth? gone! not on hulu anymore. not on abc anymore.
what the shit? why does this happen to me??
so now i struggle to find them elsewhere online. i can't believe this is the second season. it seems like the first.
it's awesome in any case. they'd better put them back online.
and after all of this angsty stressed stuff, i'd also like to add that it is about that time again.
i was telling nina the other night that i just can't help but to wonder if this is hormonal stuff happening.
and she said to figure it out, because i never write it down or pay attention.
yeah. so.
perfect storm sitting in this apartment.
and i would also like to thank nina.
sitting at suck store today, after the chew out from assistant douchecanoe, i got an email.
i cried at work.
she took my again & again post. and rewrote it for me.
seriously? it made me laugh and cry and laugh and cry again.
it was a lot to take in.
and then i got not one, but two emails from brownies.
so i kept myself distracted between tantrums.
oh, and? i got an appointment with the shrink.
it's not until november 29th, but if i can get there before that, i will. and if not, it's a failsafe.
it's going to be thanksgiving soon.
i'm going to be shutting down a store. again. soon.
and moving it. soon. and opening a new store. again. soon.
i'm so fucking tired. i don't know how i'm going to do it at all.
maybe this is going to be my thanksgiving week.
i am feeling ingrateful, if that is the case.
then again, with a 33% reduction in locations to manage, i'll be thankful to have a job.
i need to be in touch with the lawyer again.
i've fought the urge every single day to look at the mortgage site, because i know that there is no way in hell he could possibly have paid it yet.
but i think i will tonight. and email the lawyer to see if we get an emergency hearing or what.
ever's got the right idea. head in the sand trick really keeps the stress from my personal life at bay.
i think i'm doing this all wrong...
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