i knew it was coming for a while now. i've said it to anyone who has been around me.
i have been holding back a cry, against my own wishes, for a couple weeks. i wanted to cry. i tried watching movies that i thought would bring it out of me, but it didn't work.
but, boy, did i get it out of my system today.
as it turns out, greg emailed me at work. after last night, i was feeling very skeptical, very unsure of myself. it was like i expected him to leave and never speak to me again, because of the very short lived pavlovian conditioning i've recently been subjected to.
i'd made this cute test for him, mostly about food. because everything else is the same, i thought he'd love it. and he did. he took it very seriously, turning all the multiple choice questions and true falses into long answers.
and then sent a lovely note after that, talking about the time we spent together.
the test was awesome. we brought up a lot of the same stuff, of course. but he put so much time into it that i was wickedly happy.
and then i got to the end. i guess it was around 11 this morning. and i'd had a busy morning. i had fielded the questions all morning, 'how was your weekend?' and 'did you have a good weekend?'
to which i toned down what i wanted to say, and instead said 'it was fantastic' and 'i had a great weekend'.
and then read what he wrote. and he talked about how wonderful the weekend was. how he didn't care that it was shitty out, that he was in a fantastic mood, thanks to me.
and one of my questions was 'what's your perfect day?' i told him to include details, time of year and weather and everything.
and he talked about his perfect day. and then finished it off, with saying that the most recent perfect day involved the end of the world, perfect weather, beer fest, finally meeting up with an amazing girl, and ending with watching tv lazily in bed on a sunday morning.
i almost fell out of my CHAIR.
and then wrapped up with a paragraph, saying that he couldn't have had a better weekend, that alice was right saying how awesome i am (i love you, alice!) and that he's going to be in a good mood for a while. and that he can't wait to see me.
and the last line?
smitten and enamored.
the thing was, in one of our emails, i asked him about words that he overuses. and i said that two of my favorite words are smitten and enamored. and when he responded, he said that he also loves those words, because they sound like what they are.
and when he regurgitated my two favorite words back to me, about me, as a closing statement, i literally had to look away from it, shaking my head.
and my eyes welled up. and i took off my glasses. and i started to cry.
so hard, that i put up my 'be right back' sign, and went to the bathroom.
i sat in a stall, sitting on a toilet crying my fucking eyes out, smiling and laughing and CRYING. it was shock and disbelief and relief and happiness all into one.
and i pulled it together and lost it again, three times. and finally, i calmed myself down, and went back into the store with bloodshot eyes.
and then had two hours to respond to him in kind, and then close shop.
i swear... i blinked today and it was 11. and i blinked again and it was 2. and then it was 4. and i had my shrink appointment.
and i had heavier background stuff to talk about, but knew i wanted to get into greg for the most part.
and we did. and i talked about how i spent the last few months getting my feet wet. that i felt like i needed to get something out of my system. take my body back and use it for strictly carnal purposes. how i was having fun, but not having an emotional attachment.
i talked about how greg happened over the past few months.
there was just something about him, that i saw when i saw him. i needed to find him.
and then talked about our date and our night. and our subsequent day, and when i said that i had never had something happen like this before (and not because i was being overly dramatic), i started crying. took my glasses off, and cried while i talked to her about why. explaining what i meant. cried and cried.
i have operated, for the most part, in relationships where my love was unrequited. coffee, the sun, and so on. and the rest were all fixer uppers. boys who had my love, but who i wasn't in love with, who became something like a project for me. boys that i had no business being with, who i always found my way to.
and the boys that were the unrequited ones? they were friends first. friends who i tried to weasel my way into a relationship with. and coffee was the closest thing that i had to a boy like greg, but it was just a game, and nothing real.
and since i left ever, i have gotten to be pretty good, i think, at physical encounters with boys that i respect a great deal, or enough, to have sex with. but who i have no interest in being with, in an emotional or committed relationship.
and when i told her i took down my dating site profile, she was surprised. but when i explained to her why, she got it.
and she agreed with what my parents said when i told them 'i met a boy.' and explained how scary it is and how crazy it is and how special it is. mom said, 'you're scared because you met someone that you can see yourself being with.'
because i have attempted to brainwash myself into thinking that i don't need or want anyone around. that i don't want a boyfriend. that i don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. that i want to have fun and be free and have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, until i find what works for me.
but at the end of that small pile of boys that i burned through in rapid succession? it wasn't as fun and fulfilling as it seemed in hindsight. because of the lack of emotional connection, the physical connection existed. but what i needed to get off wasn't there. and i kept thinking and saying, 'it will happen the next time'.
and while i haven't yet broken the jinx that ever cast upon me, i feel like it might actually be possible this time.
because there was something so super special happening on saturday into sunday. and part of me wants to put words on it. but out of fear, mostly, i refuse to.
smitten was a big step for me. and everything else after that? it's just too soon. one jinx is more than enough.
but there are so many connections, the two of us struggle to keep up with them all. our brains work the same way, in rants and tangents, and we bounce around off of ourselves, and off of each other, and it's this crazy circle. and having someone on the other end of this, who is feeling the things i'm feeling and thinking the things i'm saying is completely overwhelming to me.
i've never had something that felt like this that i didn't have to work for. and in light of all of my selfishness before right now, i told aubree yesterday that i don't feel like i deserve to have something that seems this amazingly good.
yeah, i know i did my time. yeah, i know i felt deprived. i DID. i WAS.
i have always put boys on pedastals that they don't deserve to be on. and i thought that by paying attention to it, and telling shrink about it (i explained this to her today), that i could keep myself from doing it again. but that's what i've been doing this whole time.
not that i want to run away with any of the boys of the last two months. and not that i want to be with any of them, or think they're the best thing since sliced bread. i managed to keep it in check, to pat myself on the back. i managed to not overdo it. i didn't drown in any of it. i tread cautiously, as i should have.
but just being with them was putting them on a pedestal. and just trying to hang with them more than once was some variation of that.
and i got it both right and wrong with matthew. there was a physical connection. but i thought he'd be boyfriend material with time. because i thought that, if i was with him for months without it, i'd care about him as a person.
and maybe it's the thing about meeting the person you want to be with that brought it to my attention. but i would have been going about it all wrong. and kindof cashing in on his desire to be someone's boyfriend. it wouldn't have been fair to him.
and i think what makes this feel so intense for me is that i'm breaking all of my own rules and crossing all of my arbitrary lines for the right reasons.
or as shrink so succinctly put it: tea, there are no but's with this one.
and yeah, it's very very early. i told her that i'd just gotten the email literally a few hours before sitting in front of her, which is part of the reason why i was so overwhelmed by it in her office.
but both my parents and shrink agree... he doesn't have any red flags. he doesn't have anything that he does that bugs me or sits wrong with me. nothing that concerns me in the least.
he loves his parents. we talk about our grandparents. he has an awesome job that he loves, drives a nice car, owns his own house. he paid for everything on saturday, which isn't important to me, but which is also something that is an indication of what i messed up for so long. because i am drawn to guys who like having me as their sugar mama. but i'm not even that sweet.
he's a MAN by society's standards. but to me, he is just this BOY. who i am really afraid of.
he's this boy that gets me like i've never been gotten before. all the other times, it was all in my head, and even i know that. everyone who has ever known me knows that.
and the fact that this is REAL? completely overwhelming.
the fact that this is requited? completely overwhelming.
the fact that he said it first, but i felt it at the same time? COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING.
i write about opening my mouth and watching the boys run. and i write about being so convinced of feelings being shared, only to find out later that it wasn't like that at all. i write about misreading things that are said all the time.
but this is different, and it's not really sinking in. because i am trained, slightly, in a way, to know that it's not shared. it can't possibly be. i don't DO this. i don't ever get it right. i don't give my heart to a boy who deserves it. certainly not one who has ever earned it. i end up heartbroken. that is what i do.
not this. this can't be for me. it can't be my life.
and i wrote him back after crying and getting all of that out of my system. and i wrote him back with enough me too's to sink a ship.
and went off what he said a bit. and added a little.
and i told him that it's probably good that he is busy, because i can pace myself and not make him burnt out on me.
but i don't want to pace myself. i just want this feeling to last. and i want it pretty much all of the time. and i don't know if that is because it feels so incredible, or if i'm just afraid it's fleeting.
and nina's recommendation of the radiolab 'this is your brain on love' podcast was well timed. and i listened to it after we had a discussion about it, where i didn't know what the science was, but managed to have most of my questions answered. you should stop what you're doing and listen to it.
i was driving home from the shrink today, and had the thought, 'it's like seeing your life flash before your eyes.' and i started crying.
that, and just realizing that my skin is tingling. and my heart is racing.
and when i started this, it was around ten. and i said to nina, 'he's at soccer. he's probably getting home around now. in fact, he's probably reading my email right now.'
and in it, i told him to abuse my number if he wants to.
and not even five minutes after discussing with her whether i should expect to hear something from him tonight, a text, a call, whatever, and after i tried to talk myself into thinking i wouldn't to avoid some crazy disappointment?
he texted me. 'are you awake? is it too late to call you?'
and i felt bad for abandoning nina, because we had just sat down to chat, but took his call.
and just came back to finish this. three hours later.
we talked. for three hours. and it was only ended because he has to get up in the morning. i am pretty much convinced that, if you put the two of us in a room and didn't let us out until we ran out of things to talk about, there would not only be no lag time between lines of conversation, there would be no gap in talking.
and at this point, so early on, i am totally convinced that it would be a very long time, indefinitely even, until one of us came out of that room.
and when he asked, if the camping trip does get shortened like i think it will, in light of the rain, if we could hang out when he's back from the beach on sunday night into memorial day? i said yes.
and when he said that sounds kinda far away, and would i like to get food between now and then? yes, please.
i said that my weeks are usually kinda busy, plans with friends and everything. but that this week is suspiciously quiet, and that i happen to have no plans this week, at all. and said to let me know when he wants to do something, because i am down.
and he said he tore his house apart last night when he got home after leaving here (and laughed at himself, at what it meant to say that to me), looking for the standing room only ticket to the game tomorrow, so he could take me with him. and can't find it anywhere. and that it's driving him crazy and that he is really sorry about it. i was just glad that he wanted to take me to bobblehead night.
i feel like a bobblehead. trying not to drown, quite honestly.
smitten kitten. may 21st.
it's pretty funny that the world was supposed to end yesterday. well, not exactly. the rapture. at 6 pm est.
i was at a beer festival on a first date with greg.
let me say, from the start that i am trying to slow this down and lock it up.
but i told my parents when they called me today, that i met a boy.
my mind is running away from me right now. but it's fun. and the last 36 hours have been worth it, if my heart get broken into a million little pieces.
i had the best 24 hours with that boy, that i have had in eleven whole years, definitely. maybe ever.
and for boycrazy tea? that is saying a lot.
i was afraid. i am afraid. i've spent over a year building a wall. and i chiseled some holes in it, these past couple months. and despite not being attached to them, i still got hurt feelings and bummer moods out of those experiences.
and i know it's retardedly premature. i know this. i disabled my dating site profile today. because i am not looking for anything. not anything but more time with greg.
i was super nervous yesterday. and i think his shaky hands meant that he was, too. because he doesn't drink caffeine, and he was shaking until sometime after one this morning.
and i don't want to write the exploits, either. but know this: i am smitten. immediately. and i really think he is, too.
he showed up and i opened the door, saying, 'you're a real person!'
and he said hi and gave me a nice hug. he came inside while i grabbed a few things, and we were out the door to beer fest. aubree and mike met us over there, after we had an hour head start.
because of the emails back and forth, and kinda leaving the one i wrote late friday night/technically saturday morning, we kindof picked up where we left off, and there wasn't a second's pause where we weren't telling stories and talking about things we'd either only touched on, or agreed to talk about in person.
he is ADORABLE. if i could create a cookie cutter boy? he would be it. hazel eyes, slight, freckles absolutely everywhere. smiling eyes, a sweet smile. just barely taller than me, which is my favorite.
i just can't get over it.
i think he's going to be what makes me quit smoking.
and i will say from this day on, that timing with this one was everything. had i met him last week, or last month on his birthday, it would not have gone this way, because i wouldn't have been ready. i wouldn't have learned the lessons of the last few months. and they were key in realizing what i have found this week.
i don't know. i was afraid he/we would be bored, having most of the same points of reference in conversation and memories and life stories. music and movies and songs and defining life moments.
i was afraid that we'd talked about so much that we would struggle in person.
but we didn't. and weren't. we bounced off of each other wonderfully. and had so much fun, laughing, giggling, smiling, hugging.
my head is so foggy, i can't even remember where he kissed me first. i think in the kitchen, after a day of drinking. getting beers for alice and mike.
it was sweet. we hugged a good bit before that. he held my hand and rubbed my legs in the car. the chemistry was there, right away. which i wasn't expecting. because things with coffee, who i had chalked him up to, were a game, and my desires for him didn't ever include a throwdown.
we met up with alice, and ran around with my sister and mike for a while. and drank entirely too much beer. i did a great job of hydrating, though. and i'm glad for it, because otherwise, i would not have had the amazing night that we had.
it was about 1230, when alice was expressing a little interest in mike, and i was ready for a makeout session with greg.
he went in to go to the bathroom. i whispered 'nudge' in alice's ear. and went into my room with the light off.
when he came out of the bathroom, i called him by his last name.
he came into my room, and said he was glad that i was there. he said he couldn't watch another video and wanted to make out.
so i offered him pjs, and asked if he would like to stay over. and he declined the pj's, asking if it was okay to just wear his boxers. which were covered in bicycles, by the way. swoon.
and i said sure, and put on my super comfy sleep shorts.
and that was that.
we were there for a while, and having a good bit of fun that way, after putting on i heart huckabees, which i'd tried unsuccessfully to watch once with aubree. and one thing led to another. and i didn't see any of the movie. by this morning, it was a running joke. and i saw a good third of it. but there was another another, and i still haven't seen the end. sigh.
and it was just perfect. everything about it. smiling at him, smiling at me. being close. just being and enjoying.
it was exactly right. and i was glad he caught me off guard. because i wasn't expecting it from him. he complemented me at some point, about how i look, and i told him he is ideal. it was cute.
and at around 330, i knew he needed to sleep, but also knew from the way things had just gone, twice, that if i stayed and we cuddled and then made out, there would be another another. so instead i told him i was going to smoke, and put on my makeout mix of sleepy music for him. and kissed him goodnight, and told him i'd be back and to sleep.
and i chain smoked two cigarettes, and emailed nina what had just happened. and how i was completely flooded by it.
and because we'd been emailing each other up to that point, i sent him an email. i thought it would be cute. and when he checked his phone after some more anothers this morning, he said, 'you sent me an email!'
and i said, yes, last night, when i was smoking, i emailed him. he loved it.
when i got into bed after the chimneyfest, he put his arm around me and was the big spoon. and not one time, at all, were we apart. i can't remember the last time i had something that sweet. it is my favorite.
and when we woke up this morning, and finally got out of bed and dressed at around 10, we came out onto the deck.
we talk a lot about san francisco. it is both of our favorite city. and today felt like that, exactly. it was 60 and foggy and cold and damp and dreary. and i was also afraid of the way things change after you share what we had shared. so when we spent 45 minutes telling stories on the deck after four anothers, and kept it the same, i was glowing inside. and out.
and alice came back from brunch with her boy, and we had hangover beers on the stoop at 1030. and finally all felt fine. neither of us could do anything but drink water. and beer was the only cure. neither of us could eat, but i offered to make breakfast anyway.
and the four of us sat out, probably still pickled from our eight beer extravaganza last night, and told stories.
and alice's mom called and said hi to all of us and relayed an i love you to greg, who returned in kind.
and alice went around the side of the house to talk to her, i thought to talk away our loud asses, carrying on as people walked home from church, about the fake rapture.
i am, bloggers, enraptured.
and when she hung up and literaly skipped back over to us, she jumped to a stop at the bottom of the stoop, and said, 'i'm sorry. i told her about you (pointed to me) and you (pointed to greg) and she's happy.'
and we looked at each other, smiling, and giggled.
and they left for their day, and we went back to bed to watch more of the office. or not watch more of the office.
and after five anothers, in addition to the original, we talked some more. and played funny video clips for each other, giggling and hugging and touching. and then it was time for him to go, and for me to get ready for a birthday lunch celebration for pam's birthday, with aubree and kim.
it was just perfect.
i wouldn't change a thing.
and from the texts just sent, i am nearly certain he wouldn't either.
it's so incredible to be so happy.
the episode of the office he chose first was such a good one. the one where jim and pam are hiding their connection, the fun run.
and we were having an another, when something happened on the show. it was jim's talking head about knowing that he was in love if he was. he was defending himself.
and i am not saying that i am in love. that would be stupid. but it made me giggle, which made him giggle.
and i'll fucking TAKE IT.
he said, 'everything feels so good.'
and we cuddled up and did our best to make it through another episode, and failed miserably. we didn't even make it through the opening goddamned credits.
this is one smitten kitten, signing off.
my shrink is going to have a field day with me tomorrow.
and the one and a half hour nap i got overnight, mixed with a most unbelievable taxing of my body, is going to make me sleep like a rock tonight.
and tomorrow? the emailing will commence again, and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that he comes through on the loose plans to take me to the phils game on tuesday. so i can stay over, and start the memorial day weekend off right, at the star party.
which is supposed to be a mega washout. i don't know where i will be or what i'll be doing this weekend, because i will not camp in pouring rain for four days, under a cloudy sky to not see what i'm going there for. i can't say that i won't give it a try. but it was the worst when kit and i tried to make it work before.
it was a wash. and here's to hoping the weather changes between now and then. because if it doesn't, i won't mind being on the grid. i think the hardest thing at the start of this is trying to slow it down to protect myself.
but he's not giving me any reason to want to. telling me that everything feels so right. so good. so awesome. so amazing.
we both overuse awesome and amazing, so from the outside it might sound like we have a very limited vocabulary. but i promise that we are both founts of words, when it comes to each other.
i told him before he left that he was absolutely worth the wait. and we agreed that the timing was perfect. he wants to do a lot with me, that i want to share with him, too. and today, when we couldn't seem to make it out of the bed, i said, 'how are we ever going to make it anywhere?'
and he said, 'motivation is the key. we'll go places.'
i was at a beer festival on a first date with greg.
let me say, from the start that i am trying to slow this down and lock it up.
but i told my parents when they called me today, that i met a boy.
my mind is running away from me right now. but it's fun. and the last 36 hours have been worth it, if my heart get broken into a million little pieces.
i had the best 24 hours with that boy, that i have had in eleven whole years, definitely. maybe ever.
and for boycrazy tea? that is saying a lot.
i was afraid. i am afraid. i've spent over a year building a wall. and i chiseled some holes in it, these past couple months. and despite not being attached to them, i still got hurt feelings and bummer moods out of those experiences.
and i know it's retardedly premature. i know this. i disabled my dating site profile today. because i am not looking for anything. not anything but more time with greg.
i was super nervous yesterday. and i think his shaky hands meant that he was, too. because he doesn't drink caffeine, and he was shaking until sometime after one this morning.
and i don't want to write the exploits, either. but know this: i am smitten. immediately. and i really think he is, too.
he showed up and i opened the door, saying, 'you're a real person!'
and he said hi and gave me a nice hug. he came inside while i grabbed a few things, and we were out the door to beer fest. aubree and mike met us over there, after we had an hour head start.
because of the emails back and forth, and kinda leaving the one i wrote late friday night/technically saturday morning, we kindof picked up where we left off, and there wasn't a second's pause where we weren't telling stories and talking about things we'd either only touched on, or agreed to talk about in person.
he is ADORABLE. if i could create a cookie cutter boy? he would be it. hazel eyes, slight, freckles absolutely everywhere. smiling eyes, a sweet smile. just barely taller than me, which is my favorite.
i just can't get over it.
i think he's going to be what makes me quit smoking.
and i will say from this day on, that timing with this one was everything. had i met him last week, or last month on his birthday, it would not have gone this way, because i wouldn't have been ready. i wouldn't have learned the lessons of the last few months. and they were key in realizing what i have found this week.
i don't know. i was afraid he/we would be bored, having most of the same points of reference in conversation and memories and life stories. music and movies and songs and defining life moments.
i was afraid that we'd talked about so much that we would struggle in person.
but we didn't. and weren't. we bounced off of each other wonderfully. and had so much fun, laughing, giggling, smiling, hugging.
my head is so foggy, i can't even remember where he kissed me first. i think in the kitchen, after a day of drinking. getting beers for alice and mike.
it was sweet. we hugged a good bit before that. he held my hand and rubbed my legs in the car. the chemistry was there, right away. which i wasn't expecting. because things with coffee, who i had chalked him up to, were a game, and my desires for him didn't ever include a throwdown.
we met up with alice, and ran around with my sister and mike for a while. and drank entirely too much beer. i did a great job of hydrating, though. and i'm glad for it, because otherwise, i would not have had the amazing night that we had.
it was about 1230, when alice was expressing a little interest in mike, and i was ready for a makeout session with greg.
he went in to go to the bathroom. i whispered 'nudge' in alice's ear. and went into my room with the light off.
when he came out of the bathroom, i called him by his last name.
he came into my room, and said he was glad that i was there. he said he couldn't watch another video and wanted to make out.
so i offered him pjs, and asked if he would like to stay over. and he declined the pj's, asking if it was okay to just wear his boxers. which were covered in bicycles, by the way. swoon.
and i said sure, and put on my super comfy sleep shorts.
and that was that.
we were there for a while, and having a good bit of fun that way, after putting on i heart huckabees, which i'd tried unsuccessfully to watch once with aubree. and one thing led to another. and i didn't see any of the movie. by this morning, it was a running joke. and i saw a good third of it. but there was another another, and i still haven't seen the end. sigh.
and it was just perfect. everything about it. smiling at him, smiling at me. being close. just being and enjoying.
it was exactly right. and i was glad he caught me off guard. because i wasn't expecting it from him. he complemented me at some point, about how i look, and i told him he is ideal. it was cute.
and at around 330, i knew he needed to sleep, but also knew from the way things had just gone, twice, that if i stayed and we cuddled and then made out, there would be another another. so instead i told him i was going to smoke, and put on my makeout mix of sleepy music for him. and kissed him goodnight, and told him i'd be back and to sleep.
and i chain smoked two cigarettes, and emailed nina what had just happened. and how i was completely flooded by it.
and because we'd been emailing each other up to that point, i sent him an email. i thought it would be cute. and when he checked his phone after some more anothers this morning, he said, 'you sent me an email!'
and i said, yes, last night, when i was smoking, i emailed him. he loved it.
when i got into bed after the chimneyfest, he put his arm around me and was the big spoon. and not one time, at all, were we apart. i can't remember the last time i had something that sweet. it is my favorite.
and when we woke up this morning, and finally got out of bed and dressed at around 10, we came out onto the deck.
we talk a lot about san francisco. it is both of our favorite city. and today felt like that, exactly. it was 60 and foggy and cold and damp and dreary. and i was also afraid of the way things change after you share what we had shared. so when we spent 45 minutes telling stories on the deck after four anothers, and kept it the same, i was glowing inside. and out.
and alice came back from brunch with her boy, and we had hangover beers on the stoop at 1030. and finally all felt fine. neither of us could do anything but drink water. and beer was the only cure. neither of us could eat, but i offered to make breakfast anyway.
and the four of us sat out, probably still pickled from our eight beer extravaganza last night, and told stories.
and alice's mom called and said hi to all of us and relayed an i love you to greg, who returned in kind.
and alice went around the side of the house to talk to her, i thought to talk away our loud asses, carrying on as people walked home from church, about the fake rapture.
i am, bloggers, enraptured.
and when she hung up and literaly skipped back over to us, she jumped to a stop at the bottom of the stoop, and said, 'i'm sorry. i told her about you (pointed to me) and you (pointed to greg) and she's happy.'
and we looked at each other, smiling, and giggled.
and they left for their day, and we went back to bed to watch more of the office. or not watch more of the office.
and after five anothers, in addition to the original, we talked some more. and played funny video clips for each other, giggling and hugging and touching. and then it was time for him to go, and for me to get ready for a birthday lunch celebration for pam's birthday, with aubree and kim.
it was just perfect.
i wouldn't change a thing.
and from the texts just sent, i am nearly certain he wouldn't either.
it's so incredible to be so happy.
the episode of the office he chose first was such a good one. the one where jim and pam are hiding their connection, the fun run.
and we were having an another, when something happened on the show. it was jim's talking head about knowing that he was in love if he was. he was defending himself.
and i am not saying that i am in love. that would be stupid. but it made me giggle, which made him giggle.
and i'll fucking TAKE IT.
he said, 'everything feels so good.'
and we cuddled up and did our best to make it through another episode, and failed miserably. we didn't even make it through the opening goddamned credits.
this is one smitten kitten, signing off.
my shrink is going to have a field day with me tomorrow.
and the one and a half hour nap i got overnight, mixed with a most unbelievable taxing of my body, is going to make me sleep like a rock tonight.
and tomorrow? the emailing will commence again, and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that he comes through on the loose plans to take me to the phils game on tuesday. so i can stay over, and start the memorial day weekend off right, at the star party.
which is supposed to be a mega washout. i don't know where i will be or what i'll be doing this weekend, because i will not camp in pouring rain for four days, under a cloudy sky to not see what i'm going there for. i can't say that i won't give it a try. but it was the worst when kit and i tried to make it work before.
it was a wash. and here's to hoping the weather changes between now and then. because if it doesn't, i won't mind being on the grid. i think the hardest thing at the start of this is trying to slow it down to protect myself.
but he's not giving me any reason to want to. telling me that everything feels so right. so good. so awesome. so amazing.
we both overuse awesome and amazing, so from the outside it might sound like we have a very limited vocabulary. but i promise that we are both founts of words, when it comes to each other.
i told him before he left that he was absolutely worth the wait. and we agreed that the timing was perfect. he wants to do a lot with me, that i want to share with him, too. and today, when we couldn't seem to make it out of the bed, i said, 'how are we ever going to make it anywhere?'
and he said, 'motivation is the key. we'll go places.'
scared. may 19th.
yeah. that was saturday.
sunday through today is a blur of emotion.
something is happening.
and i'm very afraid of it.
it would be easy, were i not a headcase, to put on the brakes. and force myself to stop worrying/being afraid/thinking/getting excited.
but i am.
so i'm scared.
the overwhelming feeling i am having right now is, 'oh SHIT.'
because without having met this boy yet, we've spent hours and hours corresponding to each other over email. and so far, i can't stop thinking that i have not met someone who is this much the boy version of me since COFFEE.
and we all know about coffee. he fucked my shit up for thirteen years.
this boy is different, in that he is interested, and acting like it, and saying it. we take turns thanking each other and saying how exciting this whole thing is. i mean, back in the day, coffee said enough to me to get his claws in me. but once i was on the hook, it stopped.
i think another thing that scares me is that i am mostly certain that i am not ready.
yeah, i waited a YEAR. yeah, i say i don't want a 'boyfriend' for another year. or at least until the fall. but i'm fresh off the heels of several mistakes right now. misjudging boys, fucking around, getting my feelings hurt anyway. realizing that i am perfectly capable of fucking boys that i don't care about. but that it didn't get me any further than i was before i started doing that. it was fun, yeah. but it was also fizzle crash and burn before it even took off.
so i'm afraid of making more mistakes. and while i'm grateful that the timing didn't work out until this coming saturday, i worry that it's still not the right time.
because i'm too excited. and i'm already thinking excited thoughts. because he is, too. he said yesterday, in an email, that he is glad i decided not to move home, because now we get to hang out and have fun together.
i haven't even MET him yet.
so i guess how this happened, is that the timing wasn't right. because it wasn't, i sent a note. because i sent a note, he sent one back and asked a question. and when i sent one back, a good bit longer than the first, i asked a question or two. and apologized for the length of the message.
and he said he was into it. and answered and asked a couple.
so in the last five days, we're up to about 15 emails, i would guess. and they all consist of these 'oh, me, too!' things. little tiny associations. mentioning random connections, and having most of everything in common.
and what's more? i can't find anything wrong with him. i mean, i knew on day one with matthew and joey exactly what was wrong with them, which put them in a category in my brain that kept me from getting too caught up.
i don't know. he's great. there is NO DRAMA. we're making back up plans for our plans in case it rains. and he's already telling me things he wants to show me/do with me, based on what i tell him i've missed out on to this point in my life.
and i'm forcing myself to not ask him over on friday night. and to not ask him over on saturday night. meeting up at noon on saturday (last i checked) leaves an entire day open to whatever. i have no plans on sunday. and i'm honestly super hoping that he stays over on saturday, and that sunday is either brunch or cooking breakfast for him.
with the getting carried away...
it's just going to be interesting to be sitting across from him. to hear his voice. to see his eyes. i don't know. i've never gotten to know someone like this before. i mean, i had a four hour texting conversation with matthew. but this has become something that we do for hours a day.
yesterday he said that i'm amazing. and thanked me for making him feel better. and among other things, says he can't wait to read what i write next.
is he too good to be true? how is he single? how is he not married with a trophy wife and 2 kids, a dog, and a picket fence?
i've never been with someone who owned their house before. it's just crazy how together he is. and that's all part of it, too. like this guy won't need me to do anything for him, and i won't need him to do anything for me. and we can just be, and travel around and do shit together that we've both been putting off until now. now, when we have an excuse to do it.
the only thing that puts my brain at ease is that he lives near suck store and works on the other side of the river. so it's not like he lives in south phila a few blocks away. knowing that he'll be elsewhere most of the time means that i don't have to worry about the not-coming-up-for-air angle that these things can tend to have. with me, in particular.
i don't know. i still have that feeling, i don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. and i don't want to fall in love. i don't want to be so super smitten. i don't want anyone to change my mind about anything i've been convinced of this last year.
and it is fucking me up that this guy could be the guy who changes any one of those things. the one who breaks my already broken heart. the one that i make exceptions for. the one i want to be with all the time.
i fear that i can't handle it. and i think it's justified, because it's all i can think about, talk about, write about, breathe. and really, honestly? because last week, it was something completely different. how can things be so intense? how can i bounce again.
i'm really glad that i'm good alone. and that i proved that to myself. because that is one thing i have got under control. but all this emotional shit? all the thinking? all the worrying and stressing? i have NO control over any of it.
i'm grateful to have a shrink appointment on monday. i feel like i need a double session. part for what i've been going through, and part for what greg represents to me at a completely premature point in time. at least, i'll have one date under my belt at that point.
i'd never wish it on myself, but part of me wishes that saturday happens, and everything falls flat. just to show me what getting ahead of myself mentally can do. like thinking he'd make a horrible boyfriend. or thinking that it's no wonder he's single and excited to talk to me.
but i just cannot fathom that being the case.
and i've talked to both nina and lauren about this. and aubree, too, i guess.
i have punished myself long enough. i have had all this guilt over feeling selfish about leaving ever. and forced myself to miss out on a lot of fun and good times, because i thought i deserved it.
and now? as soon as i think i'm ready to take a stab at meeting people and being open to possibilities (barely open, but still...), i make four mistakes out of the gate, and then meet this guy??
am i destined to fuck it up? will i pull a coffee maneuver, and get all smitten only to watch him run from me screaming?
if only i could shut it off. stop thinking. stop writing about it.
but then my inbox has a new message.
and now i have one more thing to be excited about.
his name is greg. he's one of alice's best friends.
and i have two days until he is standing in front of me. it's making my stomach totally sick. in a nervous and super excited kindof a way.
i am scared.
sunday through today is a blur of emotion.
something is happening.
and i'm very afraid of it.
it would be easy, were i not a headcase, to put on the brakes. and force myself to stop worrying/being afraid/thinking/getting excited.
but i am.
so i'm scared.
the overwhelming feeling i am having right now is, 'oh SHIT.'
because without having met this boy yet, we've spent hours and hours corresponding to each other over email. and so far, i can't stop thinking that i have not met someone who is this much the boy version of me since COFFEE.
and we all know about coffee. he fucked my shit up for thirteen years.
this boy is different, in that he is interested, and acting like it, and saying it. we take turns thanking each other and saying how exciting this whole thing is. i mean, back in the day, coffee said enough to me to get his claws in me. but once i was on the hook, it stopped.
i think another thing that scares me is that i am mostly certain that i am not ready.
yeah, i waited a YEAR. yeah, i say i don't want a 'boyfriend' for another year. or at least until the fall. but i'm fresh off the heels of several mistakes right now. misjudging boys, fucking around, getting my feelings hurt anyway. realizing that i am perfectly capable of fucking boys that i don't care about. but that it didn't get me any further than i was before i started doing that. it was fun, yeah. but it was also fizzle crash and burn before it even took off.
so i'm afraid of making more mistakes. and while i'm grateful that the timing didn't work out until this coming saturday, i worry that it's still not the right time.
because i'm too excited. and i'm already thinking excited thoughts. because he is, too. he said yesterday, in an email, that he is glad i decided not to move home, because now we get to hang out and have fun together.
i haven't even MET him yet.
so i guess how this happened, is that the timing wasn't right. because it wasn't, i sent a note. because i sent a note, he sent one back and asked a question. and when i sent one back, a good bit longer than the first, i asked a question or two. and apologized for the length of the message.
and he said he was into it. and answered and asked a couple.
so in the last five days, we're up to about 15 emails, i would guess. and they all consist of these 'oh, me, too!' things. little tiny associations. mentioning random connections, and having most of everything in common.
and what's more? i can't find anything wrong with him. i mean, i knew on day one with matthew and joey exactly what was wrong with them, which put them in a category in my brain that kept me from getting too caught up.
i don't know. he's great. there is NO DRAMA. we're making back up plans for our plans in case it rains. and he's already telling me things he wants to show me/do with me, based on what i tell him i've missed out on to this point in my life.
and i'm forcing myself to not ask him over on friday night. and to not ask him over on saturday night. meeting up at noon on saturday (last i checked) leaves an entire day open to whatever. i have no plans on sunday. and i'm honestly super hoping that he stays over on saturday, and that sunday is either brunch or cooking breakfast for him.
with the getting carried away...
it's just going to be interesting to be sitting across from him. to hear his voice. to see his eyes. i don't know. i've never gotten to know someone like this before. i mean, i had a four hour texting conversation with matthew. but this has become something that we do for hours a day.
yesterday he said that i'm amazing. and thanked me for making him feel better. and among other things, says he can't wait to read what i write next.
is he too good to be true? how is he single? how is he not married with a trophy wife and 2 kids, a dog, and a picket fence?
i've never been with someone who owned their house before. it's just crazy how together he is. and that's all part of it, too. like this guy won't need me to do anything for him, and i won't need him to do anything for me. and we can just be, and travel around and do shit together that we've both been putting off until now. now, when we have an excuse to do it.
the only thing that puts my brain at ease is that he lives near suck store and works on the other side of the river. so it's not like he lives in south phila a few blocks away. knowing that he'll be elsewhere most of the time means that i don't have to worry about the not-coming-up-for-air angle that these things can tend to have. with me, in particular.
i don't know. i still have that feeling, i don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. and i don't want to fall in love. i don't want to be so super smitten. i don't want anyone to change my mind about anything i've been convinced of this last year.
and it is fucking me up that this guy could be the guy who changes any one of those things. the one who breaks my already broken heart. the one that i make exceptions for. the one i want to be with all the time.
i fear that i can't handle it. and i think it's justified, because it's all i can think about, talk about, write about, breathe. and really, honestly? because last week, it was something completely different. how can things be so intense? how can i bounce again.
i'm really glad that i'm good alone. and that i proved that to myself. because that is one thing i have got under control. but all this emotional shit? all the thinking? all the worrying and stressing? i have NO control over any of it.
i'm grateful to have a shrink appointment on monday. i feel like i need a double session. part for what i've been going through, and part for what greg represents to me at a completely premature point in time. at least, i'll have one date under my belt at that point.
i'd never wish it on myself, but part of me wishes that saturday happens, and everything falls flat. just to show me what getting ahead of myself mentally can do. like thinking he'd make a horrible boyfriend. or thinking that it's no wonder he's single and excited to talk to me.
but i just cannot fathom that being the case.
and i've talked to both nina and lauren about this. and aubree, too, i guess.
i have punished myself long enough. i have had all this guilt over feeling selfish about leaving ever. and forced myself to miss out on a lot of fun and good times, because i thought i deserved it.
and now? as soon as i think i'm ready to take a stab at meeting people and being open to possibilities (barely open, but still...), i make four mistakes out of the gate, and then meet this guy??
am i destined to fuck it up? will i pull a coffee maneuver, and get all smitten only to watch him run from me screaming?
if only i could shut it off. stop thinking. stop writing about it.
but then my inbox has a new message.
and now i have one more thing to be excited about.
his name is greg. he's one of alice's best friends.
and i have two days until he is standing in front of me. it's making my stomach totally sick. in a nervous and super excited kindof a way.
i am scared.
alotta ketchup from saturday. may 17th.
it's brownies' birthday today.
i have been m.i.a.
i apologize, if anyone has been checking. somehow, i feel like my readership has dwindled anyway. or that i have lost things to say that are either important to anyone but me, or relevant to anyone but me.
but mostly, i think i'm avoiding problems and afraid to say what's on my mind.
i miss writing here. i have been intending to write here for over a week. and i have been too wrapped up in too many other things. like paper journal. but also, just LIFE. and being busy.
matthew just flaked on me for the third time. and i was actually fighting tears when i processed his text. and i have no idea why. i think it was an underlying sadness, and i think it's probably weather related. but maybe it's because i felt like i had him under control. and apparently i don't.
because i really wanted to make out last night. it's been missing lately. and because this is the third time he's flaked on our plans in the last week. he set this up. and bailed on me. for sushi. really? the only thing i won't eat. dickhead.
i could see, if i had asked him three times in a row, and he flaked everytime. because that's just his roundabout way of letting me know he's not interested anymore.
but he made these plans. after flaking on me twice, last sunday and monday. whatever.
i don't need it. i was more angry that i didn't make plans with other people instead. not that i was specifically not hanging out with him. i mean, i'm on the dot, so whatever. it's not like i was going to laid.
so i'm putting him in the drop pile. he and joey can fight for the spot of lamest dude ever.
and being banished to suck store? well... it sucks. i miss the girls. and have too much time alone to think about how i feel about the little reject pile of boys, i guess. not another word from joey. it was not a mistake. but it is still a bummer. i wanted to be something just on THIS side of a conquest. has it been a month? nearly, if not. and not a peep.
i guess the biggest thing i have to write about is greg. try to keep up...i know the list of boy names is dizzying. but this one shouldn't be limited to one post (equivalent to one night stand). in fact, i wonder if maybe i should have given him a fake name right off the bat.
this one scares me. because i haven't even met him yet and i'm already swirly. which is nothing new. but this? this time it's DIFFERENT. and i probably write that every time. but this time i really really mean it. f'reals.
aubree has had a wonderful first week. i mean, the job itself is pretty boring and kindof sucks, i think, but she's happy to be up here and finishing off school.
and i did manage to pull plans together to have a little party for her at the house. it was awesome. kim and her boy, lauren, kit and a friend, pam, and kim all made it. and we had a lot of fun together. this after an epic first half of my day...
alice, greg, and i had plans to hang out on saturday, before aubree's party. in my brain, i had it all figured out.
we were meeting at the bar at 1. and then going to this game room. like a big kids arcade i guess. and then they were going to come over to the party. and then i was going to make out with greg all night and cuddle. neither alice nor greg were aware of anything after the arcade bit.
and when it was raining, and greg had family dinner, and then there were two big events in the city that day, alice told greg we'd do it another time.
i'm not gonna lie... i was mega bummed. i had been waiting something like eight months to meet this guy. and it was FINALLY happening. i was getting ready. and alice said, 'he's not coming'.
i was bummed. like, 'what the shit?!?!' bummed.
but biked to alice at the bar. i got halfway there, maybe six blocks from the house. and i'm cruising along at a good clip on my bike, through a sweet pocket of bars and restaurants and shops. and i happen to look to my right.
and who's standing on the street? ever.
i couldn't believe it. why is he in my hood? where our friends could be? he was with a girl. she was short like me, skinny like me, with brown hair in a ponytail like me. but i only saw her from the back.
and i am so fucking glad that my reaction was to smile. i don't know how that was my reaction. because i was so mad that he was so close to me, geographically. and i don't know how i didn't frown from seeing him, because that is why i need botox.
and his face was PRICELESS. he kinda turned his head to the side, like the retarded dog on hyperbole. and his eyebrows were drawn in, and his forehead was all scrunched up. like he was completely confused by seeing me fly past him on the bicycle he bought for me.
and i laughed while i rode the next three blocks to the bar.
but when i got off my bike? i started to shake. the craziness of happening to look up and happening to see him when i happened to ride the specific way i did (i never go that way) at the exact moment when he happened to be standing on the sidewalk looking at me was just too much for my feeble brain to process.
and i walked into the bar, not smiling. and i was happy to see alice, but i was not feeling well. it was like the normal just-stopped-riding-fast heart rate, and the sweating-while-it's-cool out gross feeling. and the buzz of seeing him.
it was the sick realization that he isn't confined to his apartment. and he isn't afraid to be in my neighborhood. where the people he stole from hang out. and isn't afraid to do it with a girl, either.
and i sat down, and started smoking (because this bar is cool like that), and they bought me a shot. of patron. that came served up in a rocks glass. that was nearly full. the sight of it made my stomach turn. it was easily a long double or short triple shot of tequila.
it was one. on saturday. to that point, i'd had two iced coffees. and nothing to eat, because i wasn't hungry yet.
alice was already drunk. so was everyone else who had gotten there sometime between 730 am when they open and 1030 when most people show up. by one, i was the only sober person in the place. and in under half an hour, i was excluded. no one was sober. not a single soul.
and it became clear, rather quickly, that both alice and i needed to get the hell out of the bar. only bad things were going to happen there. so we walked to her place with our bikes in the pouring rain. stumbling, tippy bikes.
it was quite a sight, made more interesting by one of the festivals that had kept greg from joining us. it was insanity in her neighborhood.
so we got to her place. and smoked, and drank water. eventually i made some pesto pasta for us.
because greg hadn't made it, and because alice was silly, she said that we should watch his favorite movie. that he had given her his copy. and that i would love it and that we should watch it.
so we did. and then she was feeling better, and i knew i was primed for biking. she'd put my soaking wet shirt in the dryer (wearing a camisole tank that day was the best idea i've ever had!) so i wouldn't have to be in a soaking wet shirt all day.
and i don't know what got into me. but i got on facebook. and messaged greg, despite not having ever talked to him before, and not being his friend or anything.
and i said that i'd gotten alice home safely. and that i thought he would want to know that she made me watch true romance.
and i don't know what i expected out of him. i don't know that i expected anything. hoped, yes. expected? nope.
my shirt was still damp, but didn't bother me so much, when i biked home.
i was biking home, a little tipsy, but mostly super hungry and dehydrated, and fearful of having the sobriety/stamina/energy for setting up the party i'd announced, but not really planned at all.
and it was about 5, i guess. so i sucked it up. and went home wiped out and feeling utterly defeated. i hadn't invited matthew, because he'd implied that he was busy, and because i'd really hoped greg would be over instead.
but he wasn't. but you know what? within an hour and a half, by the time i came home from alice's, i had a note back. and the last line said that it was only fair, now that i knew his favorite movie, that he knows mine.
and as per the usual with matthew, i was glad later that i didn't invite him. because everyone else had been there on my birthday, so everyone else knew each other. and aubree had the perfect number of guests. we drank the perfect number of drinks. no one got sick. yay. and had the perfect amount of fun.
i think it had been three weeks since i had seen kit. almost to the day. i could be wrong. but i was on the phone with nina, mid-story, when she walked in. so i wrapped up the call, and went up to my room to clean up, in case anyone showed up who felt the need to look in there. and kit came into the doorway. and we hugged it out.
and when i went to break the hug after a long minute, she said she wasn't done yet. so we hugged it out some more.
i'm really glad that things are patched up. and that we're going to see a show together on friday.
and that the STAR PARTY is in eight fucking days. i'm coming out of my skin with excitement for that!!
we played apples to apples, which is my absolute favorite.
and when everyone started playing poker, i only watched. and then lauren caught my eye and asked to catch up.
and we sat outside, in the sprinkling rain, talking for well over half an hour. i knew that we'd be missed, but we had a lot to talk about from each of our lives since we'd seen each other last. all of it heavy, and perfectly appropriate for being rained on. and for sitting on wet benches and getting wet jeans.
and then it started to really rain, so we went back in to join the party.
and not too much later, kit had to leave, because she was exhausted from a very physical day. and lauren fell asleep sometime after 1, and i think the house was empty by 145. it was quite the party, saying as it had started before 7, when kit and her friend from back home brought aubree back from the regatta.
and that was saturday. because it's time to leave suck store for the day, i'm splitting this post in half.
i have been m.i.a.
i apologize, if anyone has been checking. somehow, i feel like my readership has dwindled anyway. or that i have lost things to say that are either important to anyone but me, or relevant to anyone but me.
but mostly, i think i'm avoiding problems and afraid to say what's on my mind.
i miss writing here. i have been intending to write here for over a week. and i have been too wrapped up in too many other things. like paper journal. but also, just LIFE. and being busy.
matthew just flaked on me for the third time. and i was actually fighting tears when i processed his text. and i have no idea why. i think it was an underlying sadness, and i think it's probably weather related. but maybe it's because i felt like i had him under control. and apparently i don't.
because i really wanted to make out last night. it's been missing lately. and because this is the third time he's flaked on our plans in the last week. he set this up. and bailed on me. for sushi. really? the only thing i won't eat. dickhead.
i could see, if i had asked him three times in a row, and he flaked everytime. because that's just his roundabout way of letting me know he's not interested anymore.
but he made these plans. after flaking on me twice, last sunday and monday. whatever.
i don't need it. i was more angry that i didn't make plans with other people instead. not that i was specifically not hanging out with him. i mean, i'm on the dot, so whatever. it's not like i was going to laid.
so i'm putting him in the drop pile. he and joey can fight for the spot of lamest dude ever.
and being banished to suck store? well... it sucks. i miss the girls. and have too much time alone to think about how i feel about the little reject pile of boys, i guess. not another word from joey. it was not a mistake. but it is still a bummer. i wanted to be something just on THIS side of a conquest. has it been a month? nearly, if not. and not a peep.
i guess the biggest thing i have to write about is greg. try to keep up...i know the list of boy names is dizzying. but this one shouldn't be limited to one post (equivalent to one night stand). in fact, i wonder if maybe i should have given him a fake name right off the bat.
this one scares me. because i haven't even met him yet and i'm already swirly. which is nothing new. but this? this time it's DIFFERENT. and i probably write that every time. but this time i really really mean it. f'reals.
aubree has had a wonderful first week. i mean, the job itself is pretty boring and kindof sucks, i think, but she's happy to be up here and finishing off school.
and i did manage to pull plans together to have a little party for her at the house. it was awesome. kim and her boy, lauren, kit and a friend, pam, and kim all made it. and we had a lot of fun together. this after an epic first half of my day...
alice, greg, and i had plans to hang out on saturday, before aubree's party. in my brain, i had it all figured out.
we were meeting at the bar at 1. and then going to this game room. like a big kids arcade i guess. and then they were going to come over to the party. and then i was going to make out with greg all night and cuddle. neither alice nor greg were aware of anything after the arcade bit.
and when it was raining, and greg had family dinner, and then there were two big events in the city that day, alice told greg we'd do it another time.
i'm not gonna lie... i was mega bummed. i had been waiting something like eight months to meet this guy. and it was FINALLY happening. i was getting ready. and alice said, 'he's not coming'.
i was bummed. like, 'what the shit?!?!' bummed.
but biked to alice at the bar. i got halfway there, maybe six blocks from the house. and i'm cruising along at a good clip on my bike, through a sweet pocket of bars and restaurants and shops. and i happen to look to my right.
and who's standing on the street? ever.
i couldn't believe it. why is he in my hood? where our friends could be? he was with a girl. she was short like me, skinny like me, with brown hair in a ponytail like me. but i only saw her from the back.
and i am so fucking glad that my reaction was to smile. i don't know how that was my reaction. because i was so mad that he was so close to me, geographically. and i don't know how i didn't frown from seeing him, because that is why i need botox.
and his face was PRICELESS. he kinda turned his head to the side, like the retarded dog on hyperbole. and his eyebrows were drawn in, and his forehead was all scrunched up. like he was completely confused by seeing me fly past him on the bicycle he bought for me.
and i laughed while i rode the next three blocks to the bar.
but when i got off my bike? i started to shake. the craziness of happening to look up and happening to see him when i happened to ride the specific way i did (i never go that way) at the exact moment when he happened to be standing on the sidewalk looking at me was just too much for my feeble brain to process.
and i walked into the bar, not smiling. and i was happy to see alice, but i was not feeling well. it was like the normal just-stopped-riding-fast heart rate, and the sweating-while-it's-cool out gross feeling. and the buzz of seeing him.
it was the sick realization that he isn't confined to his apartment. and he isn't afraid to be in my neighborhood. where the people he stole from hang out. and isn't afraid to do it with a girl, either.
and i sat down, and started smoking (because this bar is cool like that), and they bought me a shot. of patron. that came served up in a rocks glass. that was nearly full. the sight of it made my stomach turn. it was easily a long double or short triple shot of tequila.
it was one. on saturday. to that point, i'd had two iced coffees. and nothing to eat, because i wasn't hungry yet.
alice was already drunk. so was everyone else who had gotten there sometime between 730 am when they open and 1030 when most people show up. by one, i was the only sober person in the place. and in under half an hour, i was excluded. no one was sober. not a single soul.
and it became clear, rather quickly, that both alice and i needed to get the hell out of the bar. only bad things were going to happen there. so we walked to her place with our bikes in the pouring rain. stumbling, tippy bikes.
it was quite a sight, made more interesting by one of the festivals that had kept greg from joining us. it was insanity in her neighborhood.
so we got to her place. and smoked, and drank water. eventually i made some pesto pasta for us.
because greg hadn't made it, and because alice was silly, she said that we should watch his favorite movie. that he had given her his copy. and that i would love it and that we should watch it.
so we did. and then she was feeling better, and i knew i was primed for biking. she'd put my soaking wet shirt in the dryer (wearing a camisole tank that day was the best idea i've ever had!) so i wouldn't have to be in a soaking wet shirt all day.
and i don't know what got into me. but i got on facebook. and messaged greg, despite not having ever talked to him before, and not being his friend or anything.
and i said that i'd gotten alice home safely. and that i thought he would want to know that she made me watch true romance.
and i don't know what i expected out of him. i don't know that i expected anything. hoped, yes. expected? nope.
my shirt was still damp, but didn't bother me so much, when i biked home.
i was biking home, a little tipsy, but mostly super hungry and dehydrated, and fearful of having the sobriety/stamina/energy for setting up the party i'd announced, but not really planned at all.
and it was about 5, i guess. so i sucked it up. and went home wiped out and feeling utterly defeated. i hadn't invited matthew, because he'd implied that he was busy, and because i'd really hoped greg would be over instead.
but he wasn't. but you know what? within an hour and a half, by the time i came home from alice's, i had a note back. and the last line said that it was only fair, now that i knew his favorite movie, that he knows mine.
and as per the usual with matthew, i was glad later that i didn't invite him. because everyone else had been there on my birthday, so everyone else knew each other. and aubree had the perfect number of guests. we drank the perfect number of drinks. no one got sick. yay. and had the perfect amount of fun.
i think it had been three weeks since i had seen kit. almost to the day. i could be wrong. but i was on the phone with nina, mid-story, when she walked in. so i wrapped up the call, and went up to my room to clean up, in case anyone showed up who felt the need to look in there. and kit came into the doorway. and we hugged it out.
and when i went to break the hug after a long minute, she said she wasn't done yet. so we hugged it out some more.
i'm really glad that things are patched up. and that we're going to see a show together on friday.
and that the STAR PARTY is in eight fucking days. i'm coming out of my skin with excitement for that!!
we played apples to apples, which is my absolute favorite.
and when everyone started playing poker, i only watched. and then lauren caught my eye and asked to catch up.
and we sat outside, in the sprinkling rain, talking for well over half an hour. i knew that we'd be missed, but we had a lot to talk about from each of our lives since we'd seen each other last. all of it heavy, and perfectly appropriate for being rained on. and for sitting on wet benches and getting wet jeans.
and then it started to really rain, so we went back in to join the party.
and not too much later, kit had to leave, because she was exhausted from a very physical day. and lauren fell asleep sometime after 1, and i think the house was empty by 145. it was quite the party, saying as it had started before 7, when kit and her friend from back home brought aubree back from the regatta.
and that was saturday. because it's time to leave suck store for the day, i'm splitting this post in half.
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