i can see saturn from my deck. it's sad, of course, to not be able to get a better look, but i'm okay with it.
this weekend? simply amazing.
i'm struggling to put words on things. i'm struggling to write now. i want to spill it, but don't know how to even explain what i want to spill.
i'm having so much guilt right now. because aubree is most likely asleep, after having a lame memorial day. which is something that would never have happened if she was back home.
it is SO HOT here.
i have never been more grateful for central air as i was this weekend, once i returned from dark sky park.
once we rolled in from the trip, i got the car unpacked and cleaned out, then showered to go to greg's.
and i swear i was sweaty as soon as i get out of the shower.
and i drove there so nervous, but nina talked me to his house, which helped me not freak out about it.
his house is awesome. so clean. so well done. like a pier one catalog. and painted in colors i'd have picked. i didn't tell him that i was picturing clover green in his guest room, when he said it would be a nice creamy green. it made sense. it was the color in my tahoe bedroom and the old apartment i picked with ever.
and everytime i complemented it, he thanked me. and when i said i liked it, he said he was glad, and that he hopes i'm in it a lot. too sweet.
a grown up house. it was such a turn-on. and he introduced his bedroom as his favorite room. it was spectacular. and his bed was very comfortable.
i'll spare details, but... just when i thought our first date couldn't get topped, we agreed that our second blew that one out of the water.
he asked if i'd seen his room, and i took his cue and said i couldn't remember where it was or what it looked like, that he should show me again. and we spent some time there, before picking up aubree, kit, and mike, and going to lauren's farewell party.
which was so much fun.
we had just been in the car together a few hours earlier. and continued that mayhem. with greg in tow, i worried that he'd be uncomfortable. or that we'd want to leave before it was acceptable.
we rolled in with the camping cooler full of leftover beer. which was trashy and awesome, all at the same time.
and we had drinks and we had fun. we mingled a little, and i left him a few times, with friends, to talk to other people. and everyone commented on how awesome he was.
so cute. it made me so happy. i've grown accustomed to people not getting along with or liking the boy i bring with me. and to having a wallflower attached to me.
for him to get in the middle of a bunch of people he didn't know, hit it off, and crack everyone up? it was awesome.
he told me several times today how much fun he had, and thanked me for taking him. it kinda blew my mind a little. because i told him a few times that i owed him a social favor and that i was sorry to drag him there. i didn't drag him - he wanted to go. but i guess that is just what i'm used to, so that's how i saw it.
we dropped them all off at favorite bar, and went back to his place. which was a fun ride, spent talking about music. i don't know. it was nice to have him in my car, taking him places where my friends are, so soon into our hanging out.
and when we got back, we watched a little tv before going to bed.
it was awesome. and i was awake, from star party schedule, and worried that i'd be able to sleep at all. but i had a couple smokes on his back deck, after i put him to sleep. and came back, smiling, to have him all tangled up with me.
we woke up at five, and were awake to see the sunrise. and then went back to sleep before getting up at nine for the day.
i slept so well. i slept and had dreams and woke up feeling fantastic. not once, but twice.
and i guess the thing of it is that it's a relief.
i was glad to not feel flooded there. i was glad to not cry. his house was so comfortable, and he asked many times if he could get me anything.
a guy? asking me if i need anything? getting a glass of water or a snack? i didn't know that boys knew how to do that! i am always the caretaker. and it was such a nice change, on his turf, to be treated like a lady, and to have things done for me.
lunch today made me feel a little out of sorts. i can't think of the last time a guy made food for me. he was going to make breakfast, but decided on fancy cheeses and olives instead. it was amazing.
i woke up to have a couple coffees. and he grabbed a beer. for america. which both cracked me up and made me want one as well. and i had one once my coffees were consumed. he said something about not drinking in the 'morning', and how funny it is that the only two mornings i've spent with him have included beers before 11.
i liked it. it's a fucking holiday. let there be beer! we resolved to do absolutely nothing all day. to watch a couple movies, some tv, and spend more than half of the day in bed.
it was my idea of a perfect day.
everything was just so wonderful. and having him tell me that i'm amazing, too many times to count, was wonderful.
i think it's funny that we really didn't talk much this time. random things as they came up. but not like the first time, where we spent hours and hours talking.
and part of me felt like it was because we had so much to say this week. and so much of it was about our headspaces. it made sense to just BE. and to process in real time.
i think that we didn't talk much, possibly because of what we have to say to each other.
i mean, i look at him, and he looks at me. and we BEAM at each other. it is the craziest thing. we just smile. the entire time we're together. and when we stop and catch each other's eyes, it starts all over again.
it's like nothing i have ever been a part of.
and i know, for me, that i didn't have anything to say that isn't scary for me. and maybe i'm just putting my issues and feelings on him, but i'm thinking that we're in the same boat and just haven't said it yet.
i wrote him that letter, and didn't even let him read it. not because it said too much, and not because i didn't want to. i didn't show it to him, because it wasn't necessary. it was mostly about the crying. and i mostly wrote it, and set it up that way, because i was afraid i was going to pull my shenanigans in front of him. but crying was the furthest thing from my emotions. because all i could do was smile.
and today, when i felt like i needed to say something to him, i said that i was in no rush, and had nothing going on, but that he could kick me out to have some unwind time alone before going back to work tomorrow.
and he said he did need a little.
so i guess i left at about six. we were curled up on the couch, after watching two different movies today, and knocking stuff off of our list, and i crawled up over him and said that i felt like it was time for me to go. and we just stayed curled up for a minute. and said to each other how much fun we had. how amazing it was. how wonderful it was. and made loose plans for a third date. after discussing the bar that we'd set on the first, and how the second somehow managed to top that. we're going to the movies this week, because he's out of town this weekend.
and we stayed like that for a while, before i said, 'if i don't get up right now, i'm not going to leave. so i'm going to leave now.'
and thanked him profusely for having me, feeding me, giving me drinks, and taking care of me. thanked him for having me over.
i like that we came up for a little air. i like that we rewarded ourselves for that, and for the movies we watched. i loved every second that i spent with him.
and he seemed quite content to have me there. which was a huge relief.
i don't know. things feel much better now than before. because i was afraid before, and i'm not afraid now.
i'm comfortable with how i feel about him, after spending all that time with him, and knowing that, this weekend, there was nowhere he'd have rather been than right there with me.
and if i get him once a week, i'll be okay with it. and try to worry less. because there is no rush with him. we're moving along at such a clip, there's no need to make things more complicated. and knowing that i don't want to see anyone else is matched by him telling me i'm the only person in his life getting his term of endearment.
when it comes up, once the silent enjoyment of each other's company passes, i'll gladly be his girlfriend. and tell him he's the apple of my eye and that there is no one else that will compare to him. that there's no one else i want to even try to meet, because i've found my match for the time being. there's no need to make it official, no matter how much i listen to the bird and the bee 'fucking boyfriend'.
i love that there's only one of everything at his house. and that, as far as living spaces go, we work quite well together. he offered me saline packets for my neti pot, because he didn't think it was weird that i use one every day, because he has one too.
and he thanked me for hanging my towel over the curtain rod when i got out of the shower, because he does that. i cleaned up after myself, and he did, too.
i think we work quite well together, in real life weekends of alternating between hanging out and letting ourselves go.
i can't wait to see what will happen next. he told me i'm comfortable. and that he really enjoys spending that much time with me. and i told him he makes me very happy. and we both said that the same was true about the other.
there's just nothing like seeing him smile at me when my eyes are open. when i catch him looking at me.
i loved when i asked how he was doing, and he said he was having a hard time trying to speak.
i loved it, because it's how i feel. and because there's nothing like that feeling of comfort, just floating there in it.
i'm swimming. and it's fine with me tonight.
i had an incredible weekend. dark sky, followed by two days and a night with him? it seems like i can't beat it. but i also know that we will.
it's the most exciting thing i've experienced in something like 14 years.
i still can't get over it. and i'm really fucking glad tonight. because i don't have to.
dark sky park 2011. may 29th.
so. dark sky. typing in the dark, post beer. pretty interesting experience... to really see how well you know the keys.
what an interesting skill typing is. how quickly our brains learn to move fingers accurately. how you have to coordinate so many things to make typing work. and how much faster it is to type than to write. even though it's pitch black, i'm here typing with my eyes closed. like it's helping me find the keys or something.
this whole trip has been a pretty heady one for me. obviously the greg shit is top. first and foremost. i can't keep my brain out of it.
but aside from that, i kindof retreated a little. and i hope it was okay in the grand scheme of the weekend. it took us six hours to get up here, all of which was spent being very happy, very traffic-less, and relatively un-lost and on point. it was cool as shit.
kit's mixes were awesome. my mixes were awesome. it all just gelled.
and we had fun on the way up, all coffee and fast food and giggles. drove through a goddamn monsoon to get there. the storm started about 45 minutes from cherry springs. and it doubled the length of the remaining drive, and the music was so perfect. we were dancing to 'gone daddy gone' during the worst of it. and it was fantastic. and gogol bordello. so great.
and then made it here.
and it was awful, that last leg of the drive. we were driving into a wall of black clouds and lightning, driving through clouds in the mountains that made the windshield all white.
we stopped at a grocery store for ponchos, because we knew we were pitching the tent in the rain. that was a smart call. and i slipped on a puddle of water from a leak in the store and nearly busted my ass by doing a split in my completely non-treaded crocs. it was scary.
it was hard, wanting to be there and driving so fast in the pouring rain. and rolled up, in a drizzle. we pitched the tent in a steady drizzle. it really didn't let up. we had ponchos, but they didn't work as well as they should have. kit got a hole in hers putting it on, and had her head through an armhole. it's hard to pitch a tent while you're in hysterics.
and what's more, the tarp was acting like a bucket. and we had no instructions for the borrowed five person tent, or so we thought. it was the last thing to fall out of the bag of stakes after we'd already staked the tent all into the ground, partially through the tarp.
but, somehow we did it. i think it took an hour from the first time the tarp came out of the trunk, until the tent was together, and the air mattress was going inside. and that was the first hour. we were soaking wet. and muddy. it was awful, but we were feeling alright.
and then we just hung around, and walked around, and got aubree acquainted with the grounds.
in an epic planning fail, the astronomical society didn't have a food vendor. it wasn't okay - usually there's a food stand that operates 24/7, since everyone is up all the time, and in need of a constant supply of coffee. we rolled in hungry because we were just going to get some awesome hot dinner there, after we pitched the tent.
and then realized there was no food vendor. and it fucked the whole night. no coffee, no dinner, just snacks. the rule on the astronomy viewing field is that no cars are allowed in or out of the gates after dark, because you can't use headlights or any light at all that isn't shone through a red filter, to preserve night vision.
so we bolted to the country store in an effort to get there before they closed, and to get back before dark. only they have no hot food, just snacks, which we were already loaded down with.
so our dinner that night was kinda fucked: baby carrots, string cheeses, apples, granola, cheezits, applesauce, peanut butter, cinnamon life, sun chips. just GROSS. we were starving, too. so we pigged out on that.
and i left out the bit where we had an entire cooler full of beer. state parks in pennsylvania don't allow alcohol in the park. and probably not glass either. if you get caught, you get thrown out. but because of the weather, and because it's fucking CAMPING, we defiantly packed about a case of beer for the weekend.
so after the strangest dinner in the history of dinners, we started to drink. just one beer, but still. we earned it.
the thing about dark sky is this...
looking up poses a few problems. you really need lounge chairs. your neck hurts, but worse? you get really dizzy. vertigo style - the variety that doesn't pass quickly. so mixing a little bit of alcohol with that just amplifies the feeling. which is why we always reserved drinking until about 4 am, when it was time to start trying to sleep. but not this time.
that night, there were no clear skies. aubree and i didn't give up. not until around 330, after catching a 30 minute window of crappy stargazing. i wrote in paper journal until 430 that morning, considerably earlier than most nights in cherry springs.
the days seem to run together here.
i guess it stopped raining after a while, but everything was saturated. the day before, there were tornado warnings. there had been one that touched down nearby; hail, pouring rain and all. so last night, there were standing puddles. and the car paths are gravel, but the rest is all grass, so when you'd step into grass, more often than not, your feet went under muddly puddles.
at one point, we got out of the clothes we'd arrived in, for something drier. but pretty soon that was all damp and muddy, too.
and by the time it was time for bed, i was in pjs that were also damp, but not as muddy.
last night, i got into the car to write, and decided to sleep there. i don't know. the wet tent sounded like the worst idea to me. that means a steamy seven am wakeup. and the car was almost too warm for me, but also not wet. and all i wanted was to be dry. and i wasn't dry. not until today when the sun came out, and we had time to dry out in the sun.
kit got another epic sunburn. and i got a little sun, i guess. it was awesome. seventies and sunny all day. it was what we needed at night, only it was clear during the day, and the storms were rolling through at night, and had been since tuesday, according to everyone who had been there all week.
i spent the beautiful day writing greg back, from his two emails, in the sun.
and maybe it was a waste of a beautiful day. but it was what i was wanting to do at that point. and i was collecting sun, so i didn't think it was that bad of a call.
he had emailed me a couple times, once during the drive that i got at the stopping point, and once i was here and signal-less. i read them when we were in car outside the bathrooms when we were back at the site.
the first email was written at work on friday. he had a half day before the holiday weekend and i'd sent him a huge email the night before, with twenty questions for him to chip away at over the weekend. it was called, 'in case the need arises in my absence'.
his response within a couple hours of him arriving to work was called 'the need arose'.
and he answered every single question, and posed a few for me as well.
and i got all choked up because half of his answers were my answers.
but it was the second email, about his day and where his head is and all the usual stuff we discuss in teeny baby steps at a really high rate of speed, that was the one that did me in.
i had the biggest cry yet. it was a two-parter. something about him loving the way i looked underneath him. i started giggling and smiling, and it turned into a cry with my hand over my mouth.
and something about me knocking him for a loop and that he's really into it. that was the second part.
there were other amazing lines, mixed in as well. but those two? i couldn't stop crying for a couple minutes. i was worried that i freaked kit out. and when aubree came out of the bathroom, she realized she was walking into a cryfest, and told me to pull it together, without knowing what it was even about.
i couldn't. i don't know. i hope it goes away soon.
it makes me feel a little crazy, i guess. more than anything, unstable. everything seems possible. like a come to jesus moment, without the jesus.
and this is my last cigarette here tonight, hopefully.
it's two am. and cloudy as hell, at the end of a beautiful day, and a night that allowed us some sky staring.
we got a solid hour plus of gazing in tonight. which included seeing saturn. first thing to see, as is always the case. it's the show stopper, and everyone finds it first. it rises early this time of year i guess, and it's the don't miss event.
we looked through a six inch telescope. aubree loved it. and we saw one fuzzy-looking globular cluster. and something else i already forgot, a double star. and then saw the coathanger constellation, through a pair of borrowed binoculars, which i don't remember seeing before.
and i'm listening to the makeout mix in headphones now. and i was really struggling to stay awake to type this out. it was like my mind was wandering to conversations with greg, and i was coming back to the keyboard, unable to remember the sentence i'd just typed when i came back, consciously. so i turn on the screen, re-read, and keep going. again and again, probably five times to this point.
if he wasn't saying so much to me to make me feel like he is on point and in the same headspace, feeling the same things to me that i am feeling, i would be pretty heartbroken. i am so glad that is not the case.
he said today that i have officially crept into his thought processes. that he was making breakfast, and that, if i was there, he wouldn't put eggs on my plate because i think they're gross. and that he can't wait to take me there.
it will be interesting to see how he makes time for me. i think that will be my biggest struggle, but i also think he's starting to arrive at the decision to make more time for me.
i mean, more than 24 hours is a gift, in my brain. we have to make up for lost time, from what we're both thinking and feeling and admitting to, when we're apart.
this whole week started off with me having three beers in my system, and telling him about clearing my mind three times in one day. and he brought up the phrase 'throwdown' that i'd mentioned in an email where i said i liked him, but that before i met him, was worried i wouldn't want to throwdown with him. which was a phrase he was not familiar with. and about 'redlining'. and the joke about humping parking meters. he loved it - i cracked him up.
and the emails since maybe thursday haven't been super explicit, but very suggestive. it's fun and it feels a little dangerous, because most of what i send him, he reads at work and responds to without the privacy of a cubicle.
for the first time today, writing to him, i said more than i was absolutely comfortable with. because he's done it now a few times. so i guess i feel like it's only fair to be the one saying something and crossing my fingers that he reads it and gets it and smiles, too.
i want him to smile the way he makes me smile. and feel relieved. because he does that for me every single fucking time he says anything to me. on the phone, in a text, in an email. any method, it doesn't matter.
i just said goodbye to the skies here. i know i'll be back before september. it's okay that the only thing in the sky is the summer triangle right now. because all i want is a summer triangle.
happiness, love, fun. with some stars and adventures sprinkled in for good measure. i want to know how it feels to fall, for real.
to let go and have it pay off in a big way. i hope that is where's i'm headed. it's been a long time coming, and this is a road i've never had the privilege of traveling down.
and it's a gamble. it's a force i cannot explain. but i'm so ready for it, and so excited. and scared, all at the same time. which is good for keeping myself in check.
and what's crazy is that i do feel like i am a little underprepared. but everything is so natural and wonderful already. last year all i wanted to was to go home and spill to coffee and bring him here this year.
and i was alone boywise, with kit, and not happy about it.
and this year? without the coffee regrets, and honestly having him out of my system legitimately. and wishing for greg to be here with me.
some things never will change. i'll always want to share that with my boy.
but this time, i wished it, knowing he wanted to be here, with me specifically.
that he WILL be here. because it's on the list.
it's so much fun to daydream and pretend with him. and it's so much fun to plan things with him. in all honesty, when ever and i first started dating, we used to talk on the phone a lot, because we were two hours apart and only saw each other on the weekend. and we used to daydream on the phone. but it wasn't like this. because all my daydreams were things he wasn't into at all, and vice versa. he'd talk about things we did at his place, and i'd talk about tropical adventures he refused to go on with me.
this is so incredible, simply because he really wants to do everything with me, and our idea of perfect vacation daydreams are exactly the same.
tomorrow is going to be pretty amazing. i'll be on the grid and somehow off the grid back in philadelphia, in the house and kitchen and living room and bedroom of a boy that is totally and completely in every square inch of my mind and body and heart.
it's going to feel good to let go tomorrow. to be together, finally, after having traveled through the next amount of distance we have covered with words this past week.
i'm ringing in memorial day in his bed. it's going to be amazing. i really can't wait.
and i know that i will not soon forget it. even if somehow things go terribly wrong down the line and i want to forget that this weekend ever happened.
but the difference is? i'm enjoying the adventure. i'm enjoying myself! this weekend was so awesome, and i'm honestly totally glad he wasn't here for it. i needed the time to be here and alone, despite being here with kit and aubree. and i needed the girl time we have spent together, when i wasn't being alone.
the space to be able to write so much, like i do when i'm here.
i just process it best that way. i love it here. i love how it inspires me and makes me want to be more, and to be better. to say things no one has said before, to my knowlege. to document the string of thoughts, how they flow, and what they are.
to let me think clearly without someone watching me or looking back at me. to think about things i want to say and do, without having any outside influence other than the sky and campground.
the girls gave me a lot of shit about writing to him all day today. but i wasn't writing for him only. and i wasn't only writing, either. i was paying attention to the majority of the conversations that kit and aubree were having.
and we went to two AMAZING lectures. one was about using iphone and ipad for astronomy. and before the lecture i was making fun of aubree for wanting an ipad... 'why the fuck do you need an ipad?? just get the laptop. there's no need.'
but hooking it up to a telescope using a program that tells it where to point and also displaying the image on the screen, too. along with any specs you could ever want to know about it. size, distance, history, who discovered it. everything!
and the one after that was my favorite! it was a talk about dark matter.
i felt amazing because i could keep up with what he was saying for the most part, thanks to watching the universe and nova.
and the cool thing about the guy is that, during the ipad lecture, i saw this dude sitting outside of the pavilion, working on his laptop. and i stopped to say hi. he just looked so fucking cool. i mean, super geeky. crazy wiry grey hair afro.
and i said that he looked so content sitting there, overhearing the lecture faintly, and working on the computer. and i didn't realize he was the dark matter speaker, and that i was talking to him while he prepped for the presentation he was about to give.
but i was glad that i noticed him and said hi to him.
his talk was so cool. i love when people are excited about what they do. especially in a field like science, because it means that they are pioneers. pioneers are my favorite kind of people.
so we did the lectures, and we entered the raffle. and didn't win the binoculars.
and went back to camp to write some more. and they gave me more shit, because at that point, i'd not even finished the twenty questions portion, much less started the second set of writing.
but we played travel scrabble, because that's what we do. and kit killed it right off the bat, and i was struggling to finish the writing. because i was burnt at that point, and just wanted to send it off and be done with it. but i managed to be in the game. and the sun set, and we used the red lantern to finish the game. kit scored double what i did. but it was fun to play anyway.
and then i asked to be forgiven, and bounced in the chair having to pee so bad, and just wanting to FINISH the thing and send the email from the bathrooms.
that's the trick to dark sky. no cell towers. they have a wifi connection there, which is spotty and is only connected at the bathrooms. it is almost completely off the grid. i didn't have an iphone last year, so it was completely off the grid for me then.
but this time it made me feel great to be able to get random texts from people who knew i was loving life up there, and saying hello. and of course, to be able to mail the emails and receive the emails. i kinda can't imagine if i hadn't been able to do that. what i received and sent was amazing.
so i finished up after hours of intermittently working on it.
but i was writing for me, too. i'll paste in some of that, so you get what i mean. it was me figuring out so much about myself and what i think and feel. paper journal is great already, a fresh start that has only been written in up here, so far.
and the letter i wrote to him last night was so heartfelt and wonderful. i really think he's going to totally love it and that there will be a squishy hug at the end of the reading.
i was opening up to him. and it was scary.
and because i'm programmed, if there is a lull in communication, i tend to freak myself out completely. did i say too much? did i say enough? is he scared? is he interested? is he running yet? is that why he's not responding immediately?
it's a barrage of thoughts that are all so negative, because i just can't get it into my head that he loves all of it and that he's as into it as i am. and because i get scared, and start thinking that way, when i get something back from him that quells it, those are the times i cry. because it's such the relief i need.
and unlike all the letters i've written to boys before, that i'm so fucking good at writing, i know for certain that this one will be appreciated. and maybe even reciprocated. he wants to get back to writing again. and i'm thinking that we are going to be each other's muses. which is so exciting, i can't even think about everything that will come out of it.
he wants to read things i've written. no boy has EVER asked to read what i've written, except dr sam who was gay, and robbie, who just doesn't count for some reason.
good night, dark sky park. you are my favorite. i love you and all that you do for me. i'm inspired. the well is full. and i'm too tired to keep my eyes open. a full night's sleep is going to do so much good for me.
and sigur ros is sending me off, the way it got me through this time last year.
thank you, dark sky park. you have a special place in my heart...
* * *
it feels so great to head back after this trip. a trip not spent wanting for something that feels unattainable. a trip not spent feeling disappointed and like something was missing. and being happy being myself, being alone. it took so long to get to this point...
i don't know. i'm ready to go back. i'm grateful for the stars i got to see. i'm grateful for being back in the car with kit and to take aubree on adventure number one.
and what i'm going back to? it's so exciting.
i'm tired enough from lack of sleep over the course of the past three plus nights to be too tired to be freaking out. it's like a lull in the constant state of heightened sensations.
it's a little surreal, because i've spent the hours between packing (friday at noon) until now (sunday at 145) thinking about it incessantly. i guess now comes the fear.
my heart is racing, in a different way, and my stomach hurts. will it go as well as we both say it will and believe it will and want it to? how amazing will it be? will i be able to walk after? to talk after? to think after? to do anything other than cry incessantly happy tears for the next week until he makes time for me? to feel anything other than overwhelmed and completely in love?
i don't know. i don't want to feel any specific way. i just want to be able to function, and sleep. and BREATHE. it's going to be something unlike anything i've ever experienced.
how will i greet him? will i see the house first? will we even keep clothes on for more than the time it takes to peel them off? jesus christ. okay. body is back on board. right now. and kit from the front passenger seat says, 'i'm reading your pheremones loud and clear. my body is excited for what your body is about to go through.'
i spilled a huge pool of coffee in my lap at the second pee stop. i mean a FLOOD. and i immediately thought, 'oh nooooo, i can't get an infection!'
and peeled off my shorts. and sat in coffee-soaked underwear for a minute. which is kindof a funny way to put it. luckily there was a towel immediately available, which is even funnier because of the whole towel day/hitchhiker's guide thing last week.
and for the first time ever? i rode in the car in just a tee shirt and a bra. with a towel draped over my unclothed self, until the next pee break. kindof weird and scary and uncomfortable. thankfully nothing drastic happened, where someone would have to pull me from my car unconscious, half naked. dear god... it's pretty fucking funny!
and now my head is back in that space again.
and it's more than a little scary, too. because we have now successfully talked a perfect circle around saying that we are completely gone for each other. and all that makes me feel comfort right now is that i know it won't be taken wrong. it won't be too much.
he won't run.
HE WON'T RUN.
he will run toward me, if anything. but he'll hold me and say nice things back. and we'll share quite a bit. physically, emotionally. just being together. finally.
it's going to be memorable, for sure.
and i'm going to sleep.
it's something i noticed when he stayed over, and can't remember if i mentioned before.
i slept next to him, when he wasn't letting me go. i never sleep when i'm next to boys. i toss and turn, and wish for an empty bed, so i can just sleep.
that first night, it took forever to fall asleep because every square inch of my body was so charged. but once i listened to the little noises he made while he was sleeping, and feeling his hands move so slightly on me while he was sleeping, kissing my neck without ever waking up, squeezing me so slightly, likely acting out something he was dreaming.
i listened to him, smiling hugely, and fell asleep. waking up for a few seconds, pulling his arm tighter around me, and kissing his fingers. melting. and drifting right back off again. woke up feeling well rested after a three hour nap from 4 to 7 am.
i'm so ready for more of that.
wish me luck, blogger. and know that if something insane happens, and i don't survive this weekend...
i went out with a big fucking smile on my face. happy, the way i want to go out. i can't imagine a better way to go.
smitten and fulfilled. inspired and full of love and hope and elation.
it's too good to be true, really. i keep waiting for the tragic end. i hope it never comes...
what an interesting skill typing is. how quickly our brains learn to move fingers accurately. how you have to coordinate so many things to make typing work. and how much faster it is to type than to write. even though it's pitch black, i'm here typing with my eyes closed. like it's helping me find the keys or something.
this whole trip has been a pretty heady one for me. obviously the greg shit is top. first and foremost. i can't keep my brain out of it.
but aside from that, i kindof retreated a little. and i hope it was okay in the grand scheme of the weekend. it took us six hours to get up here, all of which was spent being very happy, very traffic-less, and relatively un-lost and on point. it was cool as shit.
kit's mixes were awesome. my mixes were awesome. it all just gelled.
and we had fun on the way up, all coffee and fast food and giggles. drove through a goddamn monsoon to get there. the storm started about 45 minutes from cherry springs. and it doubled the length of the remaining drive, and the music was so perfect. we were dancing to 'gone daddy gone' during the worst of it. and it was fantastic. and gogol bordello. so great.
and then made it here.
and it was awful, that last leg of the drive. we were driving into a wall of black clouds and lightning, driving through clouds in the mountains that made the windshield all white.
we stopped at a grocery store for ponchos, because we knew we were pitching the tent in the rain. that was a smart call. and i slipped on a puddle of water from a leak in the store and nearly busted my ass by doing a split in my completely non-treaded crocs. it was scary.
it was hard, wanting to be there and driving so fast in the pouring rain. and rolled up, in a drizzle. we pitched the tent in a steady drizzle. it really didn't let up. we had ponchos, but they didn't work as well as they should have. kit got a hole in hers putting it on, and had her head through an armhole. it's hard to pitch a tent while you're in hysterics.
and what's more, the tarp was acting like a bucket. and we had no instructions for the borrowed five person tent, or so we thought. it was the last thing to fall out of the bag of stakes after we'd already staked the tent all into the ground, partially through the tarp.
but, somehow we did it. i think it took an hour from the first time the tarp came out of the trunk, until the tent was together, and the air mattress was going inside. and that was the first hour. we were soaking wet. and muddy. it was awful, but we were feeling alright.
and then we just hung around, and walked around, and got aubree acquainted with the grounds.
in an epic planning fail, the astronomical society didn't have a food vendor. it wasn't okay - usually there's a food stand that operates 24/7, since everyone is up all the time, and in need of a constant supply of coffee. we rolled in hungry because we were just going to get some awesome hot dinner there, after we pitched the tent.
and then realized there was no food vendor. and it fucked the whole night. no coffee, no dinner, just snacks. the rule on the astronomy viewing field is that no cars are allowed in or out of the gates after dark, because you can't use headlights or any light at all that isn't shone through a red filter, to preserve night vision.
so we bolted to the country store in an effort to get there before they closed, and to get back before dark. only they have no hot food, just snacks, which we were already loaded down with.
so our dinner that night was kinda fucked: baby carrots, string cheeses, apples, granola, cheezits, applesauce, peanut butter, cinnamon life, sun chips. just GROSS. we were starving, too. so we pigged out on that.
and i left out the bit where we had an entire cooler full of beer. state parks in pennsylvania don't allow alcohol in the park. and probably not glass either. if you get caught, you get thrown out. but because of the weather, and because it's fucking CAMPING, we defiantly packed about a case of beer for the weekend.
so after the strangest dinner in the history of dinners, we started to drink. just one beer, but still. we earned it.
the thing about dark sky is this...
looking up poses a few problems. you really need lounge chairs. your neck hurts, but worse? you get really dizzy. vertigo style - the variety that doesn't pass quickly. so mixing a little bit of alcohol with that just amplifies the feeling. which is why we always reserved drinking until about 4 am, when it was time to start trying to sleep. but not this time.
that night, there were no clear skies. aubree and i didn't give up. not until around 330, after catching a 30 minute window of crappy stargazing. i wrote in paper journal until 430 that morning, considerably earlier than most nights in cherry springs.
the days seem to run together here.
i guess it stopped raining after a while, but everything was saturated. the day before, there were tornado warnings. there had been one that touched down nearby; hail, pouring rain and all. so last night, there were standing puddles. and the car paths are gravel, but the rest is all grass, so when you'd step into grass, more often than not, your feet went under muddly puddles.
at one point, we got out of the clothes we'd arrived in, for something drier. but pretty soon that was all damp and muddy, too.
and by the time it was time for bed, i was in pjs that were also damp, but not as muddy.
last night, i got into the car to write, and decided to sleep there. i don't know. the wet tent sounded like the worst idea to me. that means a steamy seven am wakeup. and the car was almost too warm for me, but also not wet. and all i wanted was to be dry. and i wasn't dry. not until today when the sun came out, and we had time to dry out in the sun.
kit got another epic sunburn. and i got a little sun, i guess. it was awesome. seventies and sunny all day. it was what we needed at night, only it was clear during the day, and the storms were rolling through at night, and had been since tuesday, according to everyone who had been there all week.
i spent the beautiful day writing greg back, from his two emails, in the sun.
and maybe it was a waste of a beautiful day. but it was what i was wanting to do at that point. and i was collecting sun, so i didn't think it was that bad of a call.
he had emailed me a couple times, once during the drive that i got at the stopping point, and once i was here and signal-less. i read them when we were in car outside the bathrooms when we were back at the site.
the first email was written at work on friday. he had a half day before the holiday weekend and i'd sent him a huge email the night before, with twenty questions for him to chip away at over the weekend. it was called, 'in case the need arises in my absence'.
his response within a couple hours of him arriving to work was called 'the need arose'.
and he answered every single question, and posed a few for me as well.
and i got all choked up because half of his answers were my answers.
but it was the second email, about his day and where his head is and all the usual stuff we discuss in teeny baby steps at a really high rate of speed, that was the one that did me in.
i had the biggest cry yet. it was a two-parter. something about him loving the way i looked underneath him. i started giggling and smiling, and it turned into a cry with my hand over my mouth.
and something about me knocking him for a loop and that he's really into it. that was the second part.
there were other amazing lines, mixed in as well. but those two? i couldn't stop crying for a couple minutes. i was worried that i freaked kit out. and when aubree came out of the bathroom, she realized she was walking into a cryfest, and told me to pull it together, without knowing what it was even about.
i couldn't. i don't know. i hope it goes away soon.
it makes me feel a little crazy, i guess. more than anything, unstable. everything seems possible. like a come to jesus moment, without the jesus.
and this is my last cigarette here tonight, hopefully.
it's two am. and cloudy as hell, at the end of a beautiful day, and a night that allowed us some sky staring.
we got a solid hour plus of gazing in tonight. which included seeing saturn. first thing to see, as is always the case. it's the show stopper, and everyone finds it first. it rises early this time of year i guess, and it's the don't miss event.
we looked through a six inch telescope. aubree loved it. and we saw one fuzzy-looking globular cluster. and something else i already forgot, a double star. and then saw the coathanger constellation, through a pair of borrowed binoculars, which i don't remember seeing before.
and i'm listening to the makeout mix in headphones now. and i was really struggling to stay awake to type this out. it was like my mind was wandering to conversations with greg, and i was coming back to the keyboard, unable to remember the sentence i'd just typed when i came back, consciously. so i turn on the screen, re-read, and keep going. again and again, probably five times to this point.
if he wasn't saying so much to me to make me feel like he is on point and in the same headspace, feeling the same things to me that i am feeling, i would be pretty heartbroken. i am so glad that is not the case.
he said today that i have officially crept into his thought processes. that he was making breakfast, and that, if i was there, he wouldn't put eggs on my plate because i think they're gross. and that he can't wait to take me there.
it will be interesting to see how he makes time for me. i think that will be my biggest struggle, but i also think he's starting to arrive at the decision to make more time for me.
i mean, more than 24 hours is a gift, in my brain. we have to make up for lost time, from what we're both thinking and feeling and admitting to, when we're apart.
this whole week started off with me having three beers in my system, and telling him about clearing my mind three times in one day. and he brought up the phrase 'throwdown' that i'd mentioned in an email where i said i liked him, but that before i met him, was worried i wouldn't want to throwdown with him. which was a phrase he was not familiar with. and about 'redlining'. and the joke about humping parking meters. he loved it - i cracked him up.
and the emails since maybe thursday haven't been super explicit, but very suggestive. it's fun and it feels a little dangerous, because most of what i send him, he reads at work and responds to without the privacy of a cubicle.
for the first time today, writing to him, i said more than i was absolutely comfortable with. because he's done it now a few times. so i guess i feel like it's only fair to be the one saying something and crossing my fingers that he reads it and gets it and smiles, too.
i want him to smile the way he makes me smile. and feel relieved. because he does that for me every single fucking time he says anything to me. on the phone, in a text, in an email. any method, it doesn't matter.
i just said goodbye to the skies here. i know i'll be back before september. it's okay that the only thing in the sky is the summer triangle right now. because all i want is a summer triangle.
happiness, love, fun. with some stars and adventures sprinkled in for good measure. i want to know how it feels to fall, for real.
to let go and have it pay off in a big way. i hope that is where's i'm headed. it's been a long time coming, and this is a road i've never had the privilege of traveling down.
and it's a gamble. it's a force i cannot explain. but i'm so ready for it, and so excited. and scared, all at the same time. which is good for keeping myself in check.
and what's crazy is that i do feel like i am a little underprepared. but everything is so natural and wonderful already. last year all i wanted to was to go home and spill to coffee and bring him here this year.
and i was alone boywise, with kit, and not happy about it.
and this year? without the coffee regrets, and honestly having him out of my system legitimately. and wishing for greg to be here with me.
some things never will change. i'll always want to share that with my boy.
but this time, i wished it, knowing he wanted to be here, with me specifically.
that he WILL be here. because it's on the list.
it's so much fun to daydream and pretend with him. and it's so much fun to plan things with him. in all honesty, when ever and i first started dating, we used to talk on the phone a lot, because we were two hours apart and only saw each other on the weekend. and we used to daydream on the phone. but it wasn't like this. because all my daydreams were things he wasn't into at all, and vice versa. he'd talk about things we did at his place, and i'd talk about tropical adventures he refused to go on with me.
this is so incredible, simply because he really wants to do everything with me, and our idea of perfect vacation daydreams are exactly the same.
tomorrow is going to be pretty amazing. i'll be on the grid and somehow off the grid back in philadelphia, in the house and kitchen and living room and bedroom of a boy that is totally and completely in every square inch of my mind and body and heart.
it's going to feel good to let go tomorrow. to be together, finally, after having traveled through the next amount of distance we have covered with words this past week.
i'm ringing in memorial day in his bed. it's going to be amazing. i really can't wait.
and i know that i will not soon forget it. even if somehow things go terribly wrong down the line and i want to forget that this weekend ever happened.
but the difference is? i'm enjoying the adventure. i'm enjoying myself! this weekend was so awesome, and i'm honestly totally glad he wasn't here for it. i needed the time to be here and alone, despite being here with kit and aubree. and i needed the girl time we have spent together, when i wasn't being alone.
the space to be able to write so much, like i do when i'm here.
i just process it best that way. i love it here. i love how it inspires me and makes me want to be more, and to be better. to say things no one has said before, to my knowlege. to document the string of thoughts, how they flow, and what they are.
to let me think clearly without someone watching me or looking back at me. to think about things i want to say and do, without having any outside influence other than the sky and campground.
the girls gave me a lot of shit about writing to him all day today. but i wasn't writing for him only. and i wasn't only writing, either. i was paying attention to the majority of the conversations that kit and aubree were having.
and we went to two AMAZING lectures. one was about using iphone and ipad for astronomy. and before the lecture i was making fun of aubree for wanting an ipad... 'why the fuck do you need an ipad?? just get the laptop. there's no need.'
but hooking it up to a telescope using a program that tells it where to point and also displaying the image on the screen, too. along with any specs you could ever want to know about it. size, distance, history, who discovered it. everything!
and the one after that was my favorite! it was a talk about dark matter.
i felt amazing because i could keep up with what he was saying for the most part, thanks to watching the universe and nova.
and the cool thing about the guy is that, during the ipad lecture, i saw this dude sitting outside of the pavilion, working on his laptop. and i stopped to say hi. he just looked so fucking cool. i mean, super geeky. crazy wiry grey hair afro.
and i said that he looked so content sitting there, overhearing the lecture faintly, and working on the computer. and i didn't realize he was the dark matter speaker, and that i was talking to him while he prepped for the presentation he was about to give.
but i was glad that i noticed him and said hi to him.
his talk was so cool. i love when people are excited about what they do. especially in a field like science, because it means that they are pioneers. pioneers are my favorite kind of people.
so we did the lectures, and we entered the raffle. and didn't win the binoculars.
and went back to camp to write some more. and they gave me more shit, because at that point, i'd not even finished the twenty questions portion, much less started the second set of writing.
but we played travel scrabble, because that's what we do. and kit killed it right off the bat, and i was struggling to finish the writing. because i was burnt at that point, and just wanted to send it off and be done with it. but i managed to be in the game. and the sun set, and we used the red lantern to finish the game. kit scored double what i did. but it was fun to play anyway.
and then i asked to be forgiven, and bounced in the chair having to pee so bad, and just wanting to FINISH the thing and send the email from the bathrooms.
that's the trick to dark sky. no cell towers. they have a wifi connection there, which is spotty and is only connected at the bathrooms. it is almost completely off the grid. i didn't have an iphone last year, so it was completely off the grid for me then.
but this time it made me feel great to be able to get random texts from people who knew i was loving life up there, and saying hello. and of course, to be able to mail the emails and receive the emails. i kinda can't imagine if i hadn't been able to do that. what i received and sent was amazing.
so i finished up after hours of intermittently working on it.
but i was writing for me, too. i'll paste in some of that, so you get what i mean. it was me figuring out so much about myself and what i think and feel. paper journal is great already, a fresh start that has only been written in up here, so far.
and the letter i wrote to him last night was so heartfelt and wonderful. i really think he's going to totally love it and that there will be a squishy hug at the end of the reading.
i was opening up to him. and it was scary.
and because i'm programmed, if there is a lull in communication, i tend to freak myself out completely. did i say too much? did i say enough? is he scared? is he interested? is he running yet? is that why he's not responding immediately?
it's a barrage of thoughts that are all so negative, because i just can't get it into my head that he loves all of it and that he's as into it as i am. and because i get scared, and start thinking that way, when i get something back from him that quells it, those are the times i cry. because it's such the relief i need.
and unlike all the letters i've written to boys before, that i'm so fucking good at writing, i know for certain that this one will be appreciated. and maybe even reciprocated. he wants to get back to writing again. and i'm thinking that we are going to be each other's muses. which is so exciting, i can't even think about everything that will come out of it.
he wants to read things i've written. no boy has EVER asked to read what i've written, except dr sam who was gay, and robbie, who just doesn't count for some reason.
good night, dark sky park. you are my favorite. i love you and all that you do for me. i'm inspired. the well is full. and i'm too tired to keep my eyes open. a full night's sleep is going to do so much good for me.
and sigur ros is sending me off, the way it got me through this time last year.
thank you, dark sky park. you have a special place in my heart...
* * *
it feels so great to head back after this trip. a trip not spent wanting for something that feels unattainable. a trip not spent feeling disappointed and like something was missing. and being happy being myself, being alone. it took so long to get to this point...
i don't know. i'm ready to go back. i'm grateful for the stars i got to see. i'm grateful for being back in the car with kit and to take aubree on adventure number one.
and what i'm going back to? it's so exciting.
i'm tired enough from lack of sleep over the course of the past three plus nights to be too tired to be freaking out. it's like a lull in the constant state of heightened sensations.
it's a little surreal, because i've spent the hours between packing (friday at noon) until now (sunday at 145) thinking about it incessantly. i guess now comes the fear.
my heart is racing, in a different way, and my stomach hurts. will it go as well as we both say it will and believe it will and want it to? how amazing will it be? will i be able to walk after? to talk after? to think after? to do anything other than cry incessantly happy tears for the next week until he makes time for me? to feel anything other than overwhelmed and completely in love?
i don't know. i don't want to feel any specific way. i just want to be able to function, and sleep. and BREATHE. it's going to be something unlike anything i've ever experienced.
how will i greet him? will i see the house first? will we even keep clothes on for more than the time it takes to peel them off? jesus christ. okay. body is back on board. right now. and kit from the front passenger seat says, 'i'm reading your pheremones loud and clear. my body is excited for what your body is about to go through.'
i spilled a huge pool of coffee in my lap at the second pee stop. i mean a FLOOD. and i immediately thought, 'oh nooooo, i can't get an infection!'
and peeled off my shorts. and sat in coffee-soaked underwear for a minute. which is kindof a funny way to put it. luckily there was a towel immediately available, which is even funnier because of the whole towel day/hitchhiker's guide thing last week.
and for the first time ever? i rode in the car in just a tee shirt and a bra. with a towel draped over my unclothed self, until the next pee break. kindof weird and scary and uncomfortable. thankfully nothing drastic happened, where someone would have to pull me from my car unconscious, half naked. dear god... it's pretty fucking funny!
and now my head is back in that space again.
and it's more than a little scary, too. because we have now successfully talked a perfect circle around saying that we are completely gone for each other. and all that makes me feel comfort right now is that i know it won't be taken wrong. it won't be too much.
he won't run.
HE WON'T RUN.
he will run toward me, if anything. but he'll hold me and say nice things back. and we'll share quite a bit. physically, emotionally. just being together. finally.
it's going to be memorable, for sure.
and i'm going to sleep.
it's something i noticed when he stayed over, and can't remember if i mentioned before.
i slept next to him, when he wasn't letting me go. i never sleep when i'm next to boys. i toss and turn, and wish for an empty bed, so i can just sleep.
that first night, it took forever to fall asleep because every square inch of my body was so charged. but once i listened to the little noises he made while he was sleeping, and feeling his hands move so slightly on me while he was sleeping, kissing my neck without ever waking up, squeezing me so slightly, likely acting out something he was dreaming.
i listened to him, smiling hugely, and fell asleep. waking up for a few seconds, pulling his arm tighter around me, and kissing his fingers. melting. and drifting right back off again. woke up feeling well rested after a three hour nap from 4 to 7 am.
i'm so ready for more of that.
wish me luck, blogger. and know that if something insane happens, and i don't survive this weekend...
i went out with a big fucking smile on my face. happy, the way i want to go out. i can't imagine a better way to go.
smitten and fulfilled. inspired and full of love and hope and elation.
it's too good to be true, really. i keep waiting for the tragic end. i hope it never comes...
liberation day. may 26th.
post number four hundred and twenty. unbelievable...
today brought only one crying bit. listening to ben harper, in the car.
the thing is, i talked to nina about the question i posed her.
and just like i am trained very well in my own inner workings, she is more well versed than any other human on this planet in what i do, and how i do it. she knows my heart better than anyone else. she knows the way my brain works.
she has seen me break my own heart more times than i have fingers and toes.
so she is my thermostat. she is my gauge. and when i know that i am getting into the deep end of a pool, she is my lifeguard, waiting and ready to throw a life preserver to me when i can't seem to find my way up for air. when i am drowning. when i need help and can no longer find the strength to help myself.
and alice... if you are reading this... do not breathe a word of it, please...
a few things were tossed my way today. after my talk with nina, where she had to say some things that i didn't want to hear, but took with an open mind and open ears, i listened. and she did sort me out, in a way.
i wanted to surprise greg with lunch today. i had a rough night last night, for a few hours, because i had really hoped that he would want to come by after work, even if it was only for dinner or a quick visit.
i had no reason at all to think that he would want to do that. he said nothing about it, except a mention earlier in the week that he would like to have dinner one night, because sunday was too far away.
and because i am quickly learning all of his extracurriculars, i was mostly certain that last night would have been the only chance we had to make that happen.
so when he didn't write or text or call, my hopes were dashed.
and i found myself sitting, waiting, yet again, for a boy. a boy that i really wanted to see. who had said a lot that he really wanted to see me, too. and i did what i do in these instances: i caught my tan, shaved, showered, lotioned up, and put on a dress.
i was ready, in case he should happen to come through.
and i sat on the deck, lost in my daze, and waited, trying so hard not to be waiting. not to be hoping.
and i didn't cry, which was an improvement, because old tea would have lost her shit.
because i knew that, if he could have, he would have. but he didn't.
and when he got home, he sent a note that said he was too tired to be any good at conversation, but that he was sorry and would call and email me today.
and that did make it better. and i settled in to watch the office, which i'd fallen behind on.
and two episodes in, saw the single saddest office episode i have ever seen in my six or seven years of watching the office.
when jim realized that michael was leaving, i cried. and when jim called him into his office, i fucking lost it. and when jim cried? i was crying so hard it was audible.
and when michael cried, i cried harder. and when pam showed up, i cried harder still.
i love that shows like that can have an effect on me. i've watched the show and own five seasons on dvd. it is probably my favorite, based on that alone.
and it ripped my fucking heart out.
and luckily i watched another episode after that, one that was light and hilarious and amazing. because it was looking pretty rough there for a minute...
but i got that huge cry out of the way. which is all i feel like i am doing anymore. but it was a different sentiment then. a sad cry. a heartbroken cry. it was my vessel for what i'd just been feeling and getting over for a few hours.
so today, when nina called, noticing my old habits, and telling me to be cautious still, only for the lack of a read of him, i got it. i knew it. i checked in with her specifically for it.
it was awesome. it took me down a notch, which i needed.
i'd just left the dmv. i'd just gotten my new license. not a big deal for many people.
but for me? it meant that i was back to my maiden name. i'd finally made the time to get the id that makes me officially who i have been since february. i wish i'd done it before, but i just couldn't. i wouldn't. maybe it was honestly because i wasn't ready to. because of what it all meant. maybe i thought i couldn't handle it. maybe i don't want to have to practice my new old signature. one that i haven't signed since 2003.
i don't know why. but i finally did it. and i was on top of the world when i talked to her.
and then i got to work. and i screwed myself out of the possibility of a lunch by misreading the time of the meeting i had scheduled for today, my only time constrained work responsibility before i have a five day weekend, coffee free.
and i got to work, thinking about what nina had said, but still having all the same thoughts and feelings anyway. knowing that the bits that are missing from what she knows are the ones that are making me feel this way, but not being able to express them really. and that being so afraid for myself, i took her advice. and tried to slow my brain down.
but when i got there, i sent him the email i'd written last night. and after i sent it, i checked my email to find that he'd sent one to me at the same time.
and among other things, this is what he said to me...
that he noticed last night that we look really good together, in the three pictures i took of us last weekend. natural.
that he can't wait to see me sunday. that's it's weird to see someone one time and immediately miss them.
that he was busy but wanted to get something to me. not because he has to, but because he wanted to.
and that he feels like he is just killing time until sunday. because his plans until then are awesome, but lower in excitement.
and that it was 11, and if no one had told me yet today that i was awesome, and if they hadn't there's something wrong with the world. and if they have? i should hear it again.
THIS is the boy i have fallen for.
and i left from there to cut all of my hair off. it was the way i started my best summer of my life so far. dumping my high school into college boyfriend, and learning who i was. the summer nina and i were attached at the hip. the summer i was the happiest and free-est i had ever been. the summer i met coffee. the summer that changed the course of the rest of my life.
shedding that last name made the haircut happening today mandatory. i'd wanted to get it last weekend. and found the picture i wanted to use to express what i wanted. and was supposed to call on monday for tuesday, and tuesday for tuesday. and tuesday for wednesday. but didn't.
and how retardedly excited was i when i had a couple hours to kill on campus, and the hair school had an opening for me? and how scared was i walking there, shaking with anxiety about chopping it off? how funny is it that i had a panic attack proper, and popped an ativan in the waiting area?
pretty excited. pretty scared. pretty funny.
but i did it. and kept the hair for a charity to be determined.
and as she cut it from that point, i was scared. i have had so many bad haircuts that just won't do what i want them to do. i was terrified that it would be bad, that the only boy i want to have like it wouldn't. and that it would be some sort of a weekend where i come to terms with wearing a hat for a few months.
but the shins came on in the waiting room. new slang. and goddamn if i didn't know that it was supposed to happen today. that time. this way. right now.
and when i left? i felt like a million bucks. i was covered in hair. and i swear they never style it right. but i walked back to work knowing i'd fix it in the bathroom and be really happy with it.
and i did. and i was.
and i got back to work, and re-read his email with pam and kim. saying, 'see? SEE?' this is the boy i am in love with.
that was the first time i said it. i might have been high on salon fumes. in fact, i'm certain i was or i wouldn't have said it then. even though i've been thinking it since sunday when he left my room.
and nina stopped to tell me that i was right about my feelings for this boy. and that i should take him lunch. but it was already too late, my day had been ruined by that stupid waste of a meeting.
and i wrote him back.
and when i got home and showered and cleaned myself up, i took a bunch of pictures of my new haircut. and i texted him to ask if he wanted to see, so i didn't scare him or shock him on sunday.
and he said, 'yes!!!'
and i sent it. and waiting. and got nervous and waited.
and his response was that it was adorable. and that he wanted to make out with me right then.
too bad he was working, and a state away. but he said he absolutely loves it and that i pull it off.
and since i posted it, about fifteen other people have commented similarly. it goes back to my man complex. i'm so afraid of short hair equating butch and boy that it scares me every time.
so i did what i do: put on makeup, put on a dress, and lip stain. and practiced rocking it.
and we talked for two hours. and when we hung up, he texted me to say that he has a huge crush on me. and that someone has fallen quite hard for me.
while i was at the grocery store. buying camping supplies.
the next couple posts will be about dark sky park, part three. i can't wait to be there tomorrow, even though it's supposed to be a washout.
had we gone tonight, as planned, we'd have been under tornado watches and hail. i'm glad that didn't work out. instead i'm here, writing this. unable to sleep at two am.
and when he said that, if we come back early, after camping in the rain and facing another washout, that i should just come over.
we'd have two full days of being alone together in his house. my brain and heart cannot comprehend that right now. but it is the only thing that isn't making me cry sad tears about the possibility that this will be a starless weekend after waiting a whole year to have stars in my eyes again.
i don't know. i can't explain it. which is mostly why it feels like it is exactly what it is.
i am in love. and i am assuming it will come up this weekend, because he's talked a complete circle all the way around it. and i'll try to move slowly. and take my time and not lose my head.
but my heart is too far gone now.
i cannot wait to have time with him, alone, out in the suburbs, where clothing is optional, and the plans are many. where we get to play house, and do things on our list, and lay around and talk. cook for each other, get sun on the deck together, and do yardwork. it sounds too good to be true.
i cannot say that i will try too hard to come up for air.
i really just don't even want to anymore...
we've got a girl down, ladies. and she doesn't want to be saved anymore.
going into this, i know my heart will get broken. and it's only because i can't see him as much as i want to. but all i can do is hope for the time that we get to be as amazing as the time that we have had so far.
more of that.
i just want a lot more of that.
and i'm setting off, off the grid, to find my way through the milky way to get back to it. full of stories and music and awesome time connecting with aubree, and reconnecting with kit. too much fun for one little weekend.
the next four days are going to break me clear in two.
and if you doubt this, in one of my i-probably-shouldn't-have-admitted-that-on-the-interwebs moments, i cleared my mind three times today, thinking about him. twice in one short hour. and i don't doubt that i'll do it twice more between now and tomorrow morning.
this is what i've been waiting for. the boy who has it all. and the one who will have more than 24 hours to try to break the seven year jinx.
i'm not coming home until he does.
i have a bag packed for that half of my weekend. and boy would it suck to have that bag found. someone would really wonder just what i was up to.
the bag for dark sky is equally awesome, but in a completely different way. i have three national geographic magazines i haven't cracked yet. a book i bought with nate weeks ago that i haven't opened yet. and my pens and sketchbook.
i'm grabbing a new paper journal tomorrow. because the old one is filled enough, and i am thinking that this is the exact moment in time to start on blank pages.
i have a lot to do between now and noon tomorrow. and i am wired awake. on like six different highs. falling from this height would probably kill me, and my parachute has been sitting so long unused that it's probably been eaten by moths.
with a flooded heart, and a swampy brain, i'm hoping for the best here.
crossing my heart like the good catholic i am not. saying a tiny prayer to a god i don't believe in.
just trying to land on the ground on my own two feet.
i'm a free woman.
i'm a new girl.
i am who i was. in every way.
i've waited a long time for this. for the boy. for the milky way. for andromeda. for SATURN.
i'm all packed up and ready, with only two things standing between me and what might possibly be the best weekend of my life to date. getting the deed transferred into my name first thing in the morning, and picking up my two hetero sweethearts after grabbing the last of the supplies on my way out of the big city.
to the hinterlands... and beyond!
today brought only one crying bit. listening to ben harper, in the car.
the thing is, i talked to nina about the question i posed her.
and just like i am trained very well in my own inner workings, she is more well versed than any other human on this planet in what i do, and how i do it. she knows my heart better than anyone else. she knows the way my brain works.
she has seen me break my own heart more times than i have fingers and toes.
so she is my thermostat. she is my gauge. and when i know that i am getting into the deep end of a pool, she is my lifeguard, waiting and ready to throw a life preserver to me when i can't seem to find my way up for air. when i am drowning. when i need help and can no longer find the strength to help myself.
and alice... if you are reading this... do not breathe a word of it, please...
a few things were tossed my way today. after my talk with nina, where she had to say some things that i didn't want to hear, but took with an open mind and open ears, i listened. and she did sort me out, in a way.
i wanted to surprise greg with lunch today. i had a rough night last night, for a few hours, because i had really hoped that he would want to come by after work, even if it was only for dinner or a quick visit.
i had no reason at all to think that he would want to do that. he said nothing about it, except a mention earlier in the week that he would like to have dinner one night, because sunday was too far away.
and because i am quickly learning all of his extracurriculars, i was mostly certain that last night would have been the only chance we had to make that happen.
so when he didn't write or text or call, my hopes were dashed.
and i found myself sitting, waiting, yet again, for a boy. a boy that i really wanted to see. who had said a lot that he really wanted to see me, too. and i did what i do in these instances: i caught my tan, shaved, showered, lotioned up, and put on a dress.
i was ready, in case he should happen to come through.
and i sat on the deck, lost in my daze, and waited, trying so hard not to be waiting. not to be hoping.
and i didn't cry, which was an improvement, because old tea would have lost her shit.
because i knew that, if he could have, he would have. but he didn't.
and when he got home, he sent a note that said he was too tired to be any good at conversation, but that he was sorry and would call and email me today.
and that did make it better. and i settled in to watch the office, which i'd fallen behind on.
and two episodes in, saw the single saddest office episode i have ever seen in my six or seven years of watching the office.
when jim realized that michael was leaving, i cried. and when jim called him into his office, i fucking lost it. and when jim cried? i was crying so hard it was audible.
and when michael cried, i cried harder. and when pam showed up, i cried harder still.
i love that shows like that can have an effect on me. i've watched the show and own five seasons on dvd. it is probably my favorite, based on that alone.
and it ripped my fucking heart out.
and luckily i watched another episode after that, one that was light and hilarious and amazing. because it was looking pretty rough there for a minute...
but i got that huge cry out of the way. which is all i feel like i am doing anymore. but it was a different sentiment then. a sad cry. a heartbroken cry. it was my vessel for what i'd just been feeling and getting over for a few hours.
so today, when nina called, noticing my old habits, and telling me to be cautious still, only for the lack of a read of him, i got it. i knew it. i checked in with her specifically for it.
it was awesome. it took me down a notch, which i needed.
i'd just left the dmv. i'd just gotten my new license. not a big deal for many people.
but for me? it meant that i was back to my maiden name. i'd finally made the time to get the id that makes me officially who i have been since february. i wish i'd done it before, but i just couldn't. i wouldn't. maybe it was honestly because i wasn't ready to. because of what it all meant. maybe i thought i couldn't handle it. maybe i don't want to have to practice my new old signature. one that i haven't signed since 2003.
i don't know why. but i finally did it. and i was on top of the world when i talked to her.
and then i got to work. and i screwed myself out of the possibility of a lunch by misreading the time of the meeting i had scheduled for today, my only time constrained work responsibility before i have a five day weekend, coffee free.
and i got to work, thinking about what nina had said, but still having all the same thoughts and feelings anyway. knowing that the bits that are missing from what she knows are the ones that are making me feel this way, but not being able to express them really. and that being so afraid for myself, i took her advice. and tried to slow my brain down.
but when i got there, i sent him the email i'd written last night. and after i sent it, i checked my email to find that he'd sent one to me at the same time.
and among other things, this is what he said to me...
that he noticed last night that we look really good together, in the three pictures i took of us last weekend. natural.
that he can't wait to see me sunday. that's it's weird to see someone one time and immediately miss them.
that he was busy but wanted to get something to me. not because he has to, but because he wanted to.
and that he feels like he is just killing time until sunday. because his plans until then are awesome, but lower in excitement.
and that it was 11, and if no one had told me yet today that i was awesome, and if they hadn't there's something wrong with the world. and if they have? i should hear it again.
THIS is the boy i have fallen for.
and i left from there to cut all of my hair off. it was the way i started my best summer of my life so far. dumping my high school into college boyfriend, and learning who i was. the summer nina and i were attached at the hip. the summer i was the happiest and free-est i had ever been. the summer i met coffee. the summer that changed the course of the rest of my life.
shedding that last name made the haircut happening today mandatory. i'd wanted to get it last weekend. and found the picture i wanted to use to express what i wanted. and was supposed to call on monday for tuesday, and tuesday for tuesday. and tuesday for wednesday. but didn't.
and how retardedly excited was i when i had a couple hours to kill on campus, and the hair school had an opening for me? and how scared was i walking there, shaking with anxiety about chopping it off? how funny is it that i had a panic attack proper, and popped an ativan in the waiting area?
pretty excited. pretty scared. pretty funny.
but i did it. and kept the hair for a charity to be determined.
and as she cut it from that point, i was scared. i have had so many bad haircuts that just won't do what i want them to do. i was terrified that it would be bad, that the only boy i want to have like it wouldn't. and that it would be some sort of a weekend where i come to terms with wearing a hat for a few months.
but the shins came on in the waiting room. new slang. and goddamn if i didn't know that it was supposed to happen today. that time. this way. right now.
and when i left? i felt like a million bucks. i was covered in hair. and i swear they never style it right. but i walked back to work knowing i'd fix it in the bathroom and be really happy with it.
and i did. and i was.
and i got back to work, and re-read his email with pam and kim. saying, 'see? SEE?' this is the boy i am in love with.
that was the first time i said it. i might have been high on salon fumes. in fact, i'm certain i was or i wouldn't have said it then. even though i've been thinking it since sunday when he left my room.
and nina stopped to tell me that i was right about my feelings for this boy. and that i should take him lunch. but it was already too late, my day had been ruined by that stupid waste of a meeting.
and i wrote him back.
and when i got home and showered and cleaned myself up, i took a bunch of pictures of my new haircut. and i texted him to ask if he wanted to see, so i didn't scare him or shock him on sunday.
and he said, 'yes!!!'
and i sent it. and waiting. and got nervous and waited.
and his response was that it was adorable. and that he wanted to make out with me right then.
too bad he was working, and a state away. but he said he absolutely loves it and that i pull it off.
and since i posted it, about fifteen other people have commented similarly. it goes back to my man complex. i'm so afraid of short hair equating butch and boy that it scares me every time.
so i did what i do: put on makeup, put on a dress, and lip stain. and practiced rocking it.
and we talked for two hours. and when we hung up, he texted me to say that he has a huge crush on me. and that someone has fallen quite hard for me.
while i was at the grocery store. buying camping supplies.
the next couple posts will be about dark sky park, part three. i can't wait to be there tomorrow, even though it's supposed to be a washout.
had we gone tonight, as planned, we'd have been under tornado watches and hail. i'm glad that didn't work out. instead i'm here, writing this. unable to sleep at two am.
and when he said that, if we come back early, after camping in the rain and facing another washout, that i should just come over.
we'd have two full days of being alone together in his house. my brain and heart cannot comprehend that right now. but it is the only thing that isn't making me cry sad tears about the possibility that this will be a starless weekend after waiting a whole year to have stars in my eyes again.
i don't know. i can't explain it. which is mostly why it feels like it is exactly what it is.
i am in love. and i am assuming it will come up this weekend, because he's talked a complete circle all the way around it. and i'll try to move slowly. and take my time and not lose my head.
but my heart is too far gone now.
i cannot wait to have time with him, alone, out in the suburbs, where clothing is optional, and the plans are many. where we get to play house, and do things on our list, and lay around and talk. cook for each other, get sun on the deck together, and do yardwork. it sounds too good to be true.
i cannot say that i will try too hard to come up for air.
i really just don't even want to anymore...
we've got a girl down, ladies. and she doesn't want to be saved anymore.
going into this, i know my heart will get broken. and it's only because i can't see him as much as i want to. but all i can do is hope for the time that we get to be as amazing as the time that we have had so far.
more of that.
i just want a lot more of that.
and i'm setting off, off the grid, to find my way through the milky way to get back to it. full of stories and music and awesome time connecting with aubree, and reconnecting with kit. too much fun for one little weekend.
the next four days are going to break me clear in two.
and if you doubt this, in one of my i-probably-shouldn't-have-admitted-that-on-the-interwebs moments, i cleared my mind three times today, thinking about him. twice in one short hour. and i don't doubt that i'll do it twice more between now and tomorrow morning.
this is what i've been waiting for. the boy who has it all. and the one who will have more than 24 hours to try to break the seven year jinx.
i'm not coming home until he does.
i have a bag packed for that half of my weekend. and boy would it suck to have that bag found. someone would really wonder just what i was up to.
the bag for dark sky is equally awesome, but in a completely different way. i have three national geographic magazines i haven't cracked yet. a book i bought with nate weeks ago that i haven't opened yet. and my pens and sketchbook.
i'm grabbing a new paper journal tomorrow. because the old one is filled enough, and i am thinking that this is the exact moment in time to start on blank pages.
i have a lot to do between now and noon tomorrow. and i am wired awake. on like six different highs. falling from this height would probably kill me, and my parachute has been sitting so long unused that it's probably been eaten by moths.
with a flooded heart, and a swampy brain, i'm hoping for the best here.
crossing my heart like the good catholic i am not. saying a tiny prayer to a god i don't believe in.
just trying to land on the ground on my own two feet.
i'm a free woman.
i'm a new girl.
i am who i was. in every way.
i've waited a long time for this. for the boy. for the milky way. for andromeda. for SATURN.
i'm all packed up and ready, with only two things standing between me and what might possibly be the best weekend of my life to date. getting the deed transferred into my name first thing in the morning, and picking up my two hetero sweethearts after grabbing the last of the supplies on my way out of the big city.
to the hinterlands... and beyond!
overcorrecting. may 25th.
after three days straight of having random tearful weepy crying fits, i think i am starting to understand what is happening to me.
sometime between last night and this morning, it started to filter down, through all of these pools of emotion that i can't seem to think around. or breathe around. or just exist in, while attempting to tread.
after triple cryfest on monday, i drove home and got settled in there.
and i woke up tuesday morning, and drove in to work, making three wrong turns on the way to my store.
and i don't know what set me off, i think it was some nostalgic moment listening to that dog. or weezer or something, driving to delaware. but i was smiling, and singing at the top of my lungs, which is nothing new. but i was thinking about how fucking HAPPY i am, and how lucky i feel, and how i just can't believe that this is happening in my life, that it's happening right now, and how insane it is in every possible way.
i have literally been shaking my head for days. i'll get lost in thought, and come out of it because i was shaking my head about the things i've been thinking.
so there i was, driving and singing. and my phone dinged. and i looked down, and saw his name on the screen, and burst into tears, laugh crying again.
and thought, 'okay, tea. this is getting to be fucking RIDICULOUS. stop crying. there is NOTHING to cry about. pull it together.'
but thinking it made me cry some more. and it must have looked funny to anyone on the highway with me, because my smile was hurting my face, ear to ear. but my eyes were dropping so many tears. and i was driving, contemplating pulling over, because everything was blurry and seemed kindof dangerous.
so i drove to the office. after filling my trunk with beer and cigarettes. and went about my work for a few hours, actually. i emailed him back while we had simultaneous lunches. from what we'd talked about when we sat on the phone for THREE HOURS monday night, and then still had emails going back and forth that morning, he'd said something about wanting to do things with me. like, a nod in the direction of '...and then we'll do this together, and then we'll do that together...'
and i'd already thought it, but i really debated at that point in my drive: do i ask him to go on my west coast adventure with me? we have talked about it enough from afar. he is jealous and all of that of the trip. but holy shit, am i just doing what i do every fucking time? is he about to run away?
and i had belly flips and all of that. which is another part of what it is that is making me cry. but managed to eat lunch. and when i wrote him back, i felt good enough reading what he wrote that i went for it. and i prepped it as best i could, trying to make it sound like not a big deal. but i was scared. i was freaking out. and the only reason that i did it was because i wanted him to have a heads up, for work. it's going to be hard for him to get any time off at all i think, and if i have any hope of doing that trip with him, i wanted him to know that it was an inkling of a thought now.
i am so fucking conditioned. i'm TRAINED. i'm trained and condition to mention things to boys i am smitten with and fall on my face. or it falls flat. or they don't give a shit. or they run away. or they give me reasons why they don't want to be involved with any of it.
and not only is he excited when i say pretty much anything to him, he hits back harder. my feeble little brain cannot handle it, because it's 33 years of doing shit the hard way. of liking the wrong boys and making all the wrong moves and putting all my heart and effort and energy into the wrong thing. 33 years of giving my heart to maybe 20 boys who never deserved it.
and the closest thing i had to a feeling like this? it fucked me up for 13 years. i don't want another 'one that got away'. i don't want another 13 years of that kindof torment. heartache. pain. crying in the bad way. really feeling like i would never love again. like i never should. and building some crazy wall around myself so that i don't ever have to feel that way again.
so my brain kinda goes... 'oh. wait. what? does not compute. is accustomed to crying. cry. heartbreak? crying. rejection? wait. what? HAPPY? SMITTEN??? REQUITED????? does not compute.'
i am really trying to think about things objectively and i just CAN'T. and instead of being able to definitively say 'i have never been in love before', i really can't.
it's all perspective anyway, right? i mean, beating a dead horse. i thought i was in love with coffee. but it was not okay, it was not reciprocated, and i know how dumb it was, but he just had an effect on me. and i think i thought i was in love with the sun. but again, one way street. it just wasn't the real thing. and i certainly didn't feel like that toward ever.
the difference back then is that i forced fucking EVERYTHING with coffee. he'd say he liked something, mention it in passing, forget about it, and i'd show up the next day with that thing in my hands, as a gift for him. i'd jump through 18 hoops to make something happen, and wreck it, instead of just going with the flow and not doing anything irrational or radical. i instigated. every goddamned time.
and now that this thing is happening with greg, and playing out in a way that kinda looks like a tape in a vcr on 4xff, my short circuited brain can't understand that things just are. that they can just BE. that everything just is. it doesn't have to come up with all 17 ways to get through the 18 hoops. it doesn't have to figure out every possible outcome and every possible option to make something that has no business happening happen.
so i think it makes me cry.
yesterday, i got to work. and managed to get everything done before one of the people there asked what was new in my little dating world.
it's funny. sally and michelle love hearing my stories, they're older, and think it is so funny, the things i do and what i get into. so they were expecting some random dating stories, and when sally asked me how things have been the last few weeks, my face lit up. and michelle saw my smile and knew something was going on that wasn't what had been going on before this visit.
and she said, 'oh my god...' all drawn out and dramatic like.
and i said, 'i can't talk about it. because i don't want to cry.'
so then they made this little captive audience, bringing terry into the circle, who is the honey badger guy. and he was as giggly as they were, and michelle made a comment that they all live through me (two of them are married, one is widowed and just dumped her boyfriend).
and i said, 'i met someone.'
and my chin wobbled. and i said, 'i don't want to talk about it, because i get all choked up and have been crying about it for like two days now.'
and they gave me a hard time, like, you can't just say something like that and leave us hanging. and terry was going off about how cute it was that i was so emotional over it.
and when i said, 'i know it's crazy. but i met him. and i think he might be the reason i am here.'
and i fucking lost it. giggle crying, but crying. and they were all laughing and oh-my-god'ding it and saying how sweet and cute it is. and then saw the pic of us from the night we hung out and went on and on about how cute he is, and echoed everyone else's 'he has a job? and a car? AND a house??' line.
and i was wrapping up at that point. i had literally left that for last because i knew i wouldn't get any work done after that or be able to focus at all after that, and i packed up all teary eyed and left to come back to the city.
because i read the email response that told me not to be scared to say anything to him. that he likes me a lot and his brain is going through all the things he wants to do with me, too. and that he hopes he can work it out with work.
and i fucking LOST IT.
and i guess it was on my way home from the office that it started to make a little sense.
this is what i have so far:
i'd been alone for over a year. ever did such a number on me that i really truly honestly had ZERO interest in being someone's girlfriend, partner, anything monogamous ever again.
i'd get frustrated and upset (and probably roll my eyes) when people at suck store and in my family said, 'you'll find someone else... don't worry.' because when you say you are getting a divorce, that is what comes out of their mouth. it's hardwired into people's brains or something. not mine. mine says, 'congratulations' out of habit, even when it isn't appropriate.
the whole thing was, i wanted to have a lot of sex, because i felt like i was making up for a lot of lost time. but i didn't want someone else in my life every day.
and because the stupid boys i was meeting weren't anything deserving, it was easy to keep saying i didn't want someone. because i didn't want THEM.
and i didn't want to be tied down. or have a boyfriend. or have kids in the next five years, much less, maybe never. i never want to be married again.
i believed all of these things, and really had myself convinced of them.
until almost week ago. really? undeniably? until sunday afternoon.
my stomach is sick right now, and my eyes are stinging a little, fighting yet another cry.
i woke up this morning and read the email he sent when i was sleeping, and cried in the shower. that was probably from being tired, amplifying everything else.
but i think my brain is making me cry so much? because it knows that i was WRONG.
i was wrong about all of it. and the thought that i was wrong and that i'm really not prepared for this is making me cry again. right now. writing this out...
when i said that i saw my life flash before my eyes the other day, i was being kindof literal. i saw us. i saw us doing all the things that we have talked about in rapid succession.
i saw us years from now. the thought of having a kid someday doesn't make me want to throw up. or jump off a cliff. the thought of having another marriage doesn't make me want to slit my wrists or run away.
and i probably shouldn't be putting it in writing now. but i am, because maybe i will stop crying once i admit it.
i think this is what it feels like to fall. in that l-word. it's so too soon. the thought of it makes me feel like i'm going to throw up. that word. i mean, i love a lot of people and i tell people i love them all the time. but this is different. this has the word 'in' in front of it.
fuck that shit. oh, it's not okay. it's been a week. it's hollywood. i've been telling myself how completely overrated it is for several years now. that it won't last. that it is scientifically impossible.
that the psychic at the beach that night with kit was right: i will only have one true love. and from then until now? i thought that was a coffee reference.
and now i am not so sure. and now i am TERRIFIED. i am scared. i am excited. i am happy. i cannot stop smiling. and? i cannot stop bursting into random tears.
i am so afraid of feeling something this intense with anyone ever again, because all i have ever known is the downside to it. the awful heartbreak that gave me the best things i've ever written. it's just too scary. and i have been telling myself that i'll take the easy way for a while. fuck dudes and not get attached. because feeling nothing is so much better than feeling too much. especially when it's midirected.
there's no bunny slope for this. i mean, he is the slope itself.
and here i am, careening down this steep hill into something below that i cannot see, because i'm going too fast. i cannot pull a sonny bono here. i can't just happen to not see the one tree on the slope that is going to put me out of my misery when i crash into it.
but holy shit! i'm flying down this hill, and i'm not chasing him down it, and he's not lagging a million miles behind me, unable to keep up with me.
he's holding my goddamned hand! and we're racing down together at the same speed, i'm nearly positive of it. and yeah, maybe the figurative ski trip was my idea. but he inspired it. and he encouraged me to talk about my ideas. and when i suggested the figurative ski trip, he packed the bags and drove us to the airport.
it is so crazy. and i know that none of you can really get it, because i've been spending all of my time reading and writing to him, instead of here. but nina has read the emails between us.
nina. am i right here? i'm not going crazy, right? i'm not making this up? it's not another coffee or any other boy you've seen me interact with?
and other than that, alice would have some perspective, because she has known him for half of her life, all of her adult life.
yeah. so i can't say what i'm thinking. because putting words on anything jinxes it. maybe next week. maybe tonight. maybe three years from now, i'll say it. but not today.
and maybe all the crying is just relief. like the way i sobbed when aubree's brain turned out to be okay.
because this is going to be okay. if i think about how it could all go wrong, i'll freak the fuck out. but i don't have to. i know... enjoy the ride. i know... don't rush. i know... stop thinking.
i've got this. now all i have to do is figure out how to approach the subject with him, because the last thing i want to do is cry on him without warning.
i hope that doesn't happen. ugh...
but in closing, i just want to write that when we spent hours on sunday morning in bed watching the office together, it felt a bit like being hit over the head with a frying pan:
i have found the jim to my pam.
and i am in some kind of trouble.
sometime between last night and this morning, it started to filter down, through all of these pools of emotion that i can't seem to think around. or breathe around. or just exist in, while attempting to tread.
after triple cryfest on monday, i drove home and got settled in there.
and i woke up tuesday morning, and drove in to work, making three wrong turns on the way to my store.
and i don't know what set me off, i think it was some nostalgic moment listening to that dog. or weezer or something, driving to delaware. but i was smiling, and singing at the top of my lungs, which is nothing new. but i was thinking about how fucking HAPPY i am, and how lucky i feel, and how i just can't believe that this is happening in my life, that it's happening right now, and how insane it is in every possible way.
i have literally been shaking my head for days. i'll get lost in thought, and come out of it because i was shaking my head about the things i've been thinking.
so there i was, driving and singing. and my phone dinged. and i looked down, and saw his name on the screen, and burst into tears, laugh crying again.
and thought, 'okay, tea. this is getting to be fucking RIDICULOUS. stop crying. there is NOTHING to cry about. pull it together.'
but thinking it made me cry some more. and it must have looked funny to anyone on the highway with me, because my smile was hurting my face, ear to ear. but my eyes were dropping so many tears. and i was driving, contemplating pulling over, because everything was blurry and seemed kindof dangerous.
so i drove to the office. after filling my trunk with beer and cigarettes. and went about my work for a few hours, actually. i emailed him back while we had simultaneous lunches. from what we'd talked about when we sat on the phone for THREE HOURS monday night, and then still had emails going back and forth that morning, he'd said something about wanting to do things with me. like, a nod in the direction of '...and then we'll do this together, and then we'll do that together...'
and i'd already thought it, but i really debated at that point in my drive: do i ask him to go on my west coast adventure with me? we have talked about it enough from afar. he is jealous and all of that of the trip. but holy shit, am i just doing what i do every fucking time? is he about to run away?
and i had belly flips and all of that. which is another part of what it is that is making me cry. but managed to eat lunch. and when i wrote him back, i felt good enough reading what he wrote that i went for it. and i prepped it as best i could, trying to make it sound like not a big deal. but i was scared. i was freaking out. and the only reason that i did it was because i wanted him to have a heads up, for work. it's going to be hard for him to get any time off at all i think, and if i have any hope of doing that trip with him, i wanted him to know that it was an inkling of a thought now.
i am so fucking conditioned. i'm TRAINED. i'm trained and condition to mention things to boys i am smitten with and fall on my face. or it falls flat. or they don't give a shit. or they run away. or they give me reasons why they don't want to be involved with any of it.
and not only is he excited when i say pretty much anything to him, he hits back harder. my feeble little brain cannot handle it, because it's 33 years of doing shit the hard way. of liking the wrong boys and making all the wrong moves and putting all my heart and effort and energy into the wrong thing. 33 years of giving my heart to maybe 20 boys who never deserved it.
and the closest thing i had to a feeling like this? it fucked me up for 13 years. i don't want another 'one that got away'. i don't want another 13 years of that kindof torment. heartache. pain. crying in the bad way. really feeling like i would never love again. like i never should. and building some crazy wall around myself so that i don't ever have to feel that way again.
so my brain kinda goes... 'oh. wait. what? does not compute. is accustomed to crying. cry. heartbreak? crying. rejection? wait. what? HAPPY? SMITTEN??? REQUITED????? does not compute.'
i am really trying to think about things objectively and i just CAN'T. and instead of being able to definitively say 'i have never been in love before', i really can't.
it's all perspective anyway, right? i mean, beating a dead horse. i thought i was in love with coffee. but it was not okay, it was not reciprocated, and i know how dumb it was, but he just had an effect on me. and i think i thought i was in love with the sun. but again, one way street. it just wasn't the real thing. and i certainly didn't feel like that toward ever.
the difference back then is that i forced fucking EVERYTHING with coffee. he'd say he liked something, mention it in passing, forget about it, and i'd show up the next day with that thing in my hands, as a gift for him. i'd jump through 18 hoops to make something happen, and wreck it, instead of just going with the flow and not doing anything irrational or radical. i instigated. every goddamned time.
and now that this thing is happening with greg, and playing out in a way that kinda looks like a tape in a vcr on 4xff, my short circuited brain can't understand that things just are. that they can just BE. that everything just is. it doesn't have to come up with all 17 ways to get through the 18 hoops. it doesn't have to figure out every possible outcome and every possible option to make something that has no business happening happen.
so i think it makes me cry.
yesterday, i got to work. and managed to get everything done before one of the people there asked what was new in my little dating world.
it's funny. sally and michelle love hearing my stories, they're older, and think it is so funny, the things i do and what i get into. so they were expecting some random dating stories, and when sally asked me how things have been the last few weeks, my face lit up. and michelle saw my smile and knew something was going on that wasn't what had been going on before this visit.
and she said, 'oh my god...' all drawn out and dramatic like.
and i said, 'i can't talk about it. because i don't want to cry.'
so then they made this little captive audience, bringing terry into the circle, who is the honey badger guy. and he was as giggly as they were, and michelle made a comment that they all live through me (two of them are married, one is widowed and just dumped her boyfriend).
and i said, 'i met someone.'
and my chin wobbled. and i said, 'i don't want to talk about it, because i get all choked up and have been crying about it for like two days now.'
and they gave me a hard time, like, you can't just say something like that and leave us hanging. and terry was going off about how cute it was that i was so emotional over it.
and when i said, 'i know it's crazy. but i met him. and i think he might be the reason i am here.'
and i fucking lost it. giggle crying, but crying. and they were all laughing and oh-my-god'ding it and saying how sweet and cute it is. and then saw the pic of us from the night we hung out and went on and on about how cute he is, and echoed everyone else's 'he has a job? and a car? AND a house??' line.
and i was wrapping up at that point. i had literally left that for last because i knew i wouldn't get any work done after that or be able to focus at all after that, and i packed up all teary eyed and left to come back to the city.
because i read the email response that told me not to be scared to say anything to him. that he likes me a lot and his brain is going through all the things he wants to do with me, too. and that he hopes he can work it out with work.
and i fucking LOST IT.
and i guess it was on my way home from the office that it started to make a little sense.
this is what i have so far:
i'd been alone for over a year. ever did such a number on me that i really truly honestly had ZERO interest in being someone's girlfriend, partner, anything monogamous ever again.
i'd get frustrated and upset (and probably roll my eyes) when people at suck store and in my family said, 'you'll find someone else... don't worry.' because when you say you are getting a divorce, that is what comes out of their mouth. it's hardwired into people's brains or something. not mine. mine says, 'congratulations' out of habit, even when it isn't appropriate.
the whole thing was, i wanted to have a lot of sex, because i felt like i was making up for a lot of lost time. but i didn't want someone else in my life every day.
and because the stupid boys i was meeting weren't anything deserving, it was easy to keep saying i didn't want someone. because i didn't want THEM.
and i didn't want to be tied down. or have a boyfriend. or have kids in the next five years, much less, maybe never. i never want to be married again.
i believed all of these things, and really had myself convinced of them.
until almost week ago. really? undeniably? until sunday afternoon.
my stomach is sick right now, and my eyes are stinging a little, fighting yet another cry.
i woke up this morning and read the email he sent when i was sleeping, and cried in the shower. that was probably from being tired, amplifying everything else.
but i think my brain is making me cry so much? because it knows that i was WRONG.
i was wrong about all of it. and the thought that i was wrong and that i'm really not prepared for this is making me cry again. right now. writing this out...
when i said that i saw my life flash before my eyes the other day, i was being kindof literal. i saw us. i saw us doing all the things that we have talked about in rapid succession.
i saw us years from now. the thought of having a kid someday doesn't make me want to throw up. or jump off a cliff. the thought of having another marriage doesn't make me want to slit my wrists or run away.
and i probably shouldn't be putting it in writing now. but i am, because maybe i will stop crying once i admit it.
i think this is what it feels like to fall. in that l-word. it's so too soon. the thought of it makes me feel like i'm going to throw up. that word. i mean, i love a lot of people and i tell people i love them all the time. but this is different. this has the word 'in' in front of it.
fuck that shit. oh, it's not okay. it's been a week. it's hollywood. i've been telling myself how completely overrated it is for several years now. that it won't last. that it is scientifically impossible.
that the psychic at the beach that night with kit was right: i will only have one true love. and from then until now? i thought that was a coffee reference.
and now i am not so sure. and now i am TERRIFIED. i am scared. i am excited. i am happy. i cannot stop smiling. and? i cannot stop bursting into random tears.
i am so afraid of feeling something this intense with anyone ever again, because all i have ever known is the downside to it. the awful heartbreak that gave me the best things i've ever written. it's just too scary. and i have been telling myself that i'll take the easy way for a while. fuck dudes and not get attached. because feeling nothing is so much better than feeling too much. especially when it's midirected.
there's no bunny slope for this. i mean, he is the slope itself.
and here i am, careening down this steep hill into something below that i cannot see, because i'm going too fast. i cannot pull a sonny bono here. i can't just happen to not see the one tree on the slope that is going to put me out of my misery when i crash into it.
but holy shit! i'm flying down this hill, and i'm not chasing him down it, and he's not lagging a million miles behind me, unable to keep up with me.
he's holding my goddamned hand! and we're racing down together at the same speed, i'm nearly positive of it. and yeah, maybe the figurative ski trip was my idea. but he inspired it. and he encouraged me to talk about my ideas. and when i suggested the figurative ski trip, he packed the bags and drove us to the airport.
it is so crazy. and i know that none of you can really get it, because i've been spending all of my time reading and writing to him, instead of here. but nina has read the emails between us.
nina. am i right here? i'm not going crazy, right? i'm not making this up? it's not another coffee or any other boy you've seen me interact with?
and other than that, alice would have some perspective, because she has known him for half of her life, all of her adult life.
yeah. so i can't say what i'm thinking. because putting words on anything jinxes it. maybe next week. maybe tonight. maybe three years from now, i'll say it. but not today.
and maybe all the crying is just relief. like the way i sobbed when aubree's brain turned out to be okay.
because this is going to be okay. if i think about how it could all go wrong, i'll freak the fuck out. but i don't have to. i know... enjoy the ride. i know... don't rush. i know... stop thinking.
i've got this. now all i have to do is figure out how to approach the subject with him, because the last thing i want to do is cry on him without warning.
i hope that doesn't happen. ugh...
but in closing, i just want to write that when we spent hours on sunday morning in bed watching the office together, it felt a bit like being hit over the head with a frying pan:
i have found the jim to my pam.
and i am in some kind of trouble.
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