so today was suck store. and after that, a surgery pre-screening.
i tripped out for a while because the girl was screening me for anesthesia. and she's a customer.
and she asked all these questions. and because i'm being completely knocked out, it was like taking truth serum and answering, because i don't want to die.
are you married, divorced, or widowed?
eh. married, but getting divorced.
when was the first day of your last period?
right now. surprise!
(after the first series of questions i said, 'we're best friends now. you know my whole life!')
have you used recreational drugs?
yes.
how long ago?
a year. (nearly a true fact - hard to believe...)
which ones?
weed.
do you drink?
yes.
how often.
one or two drinks a night.
do you smoke?
yes.
how much?
five to ten a day.
don't smoke the morning of surgery.
this was a slight improvement upon the instructions of the admissions lady.
which were don't drink or smoke the night before your surgery.
i'm sorry. are you fucking KIDDING me? telling a panic attack ridden smoker that she can't smoke the NIGHT BEFORE surgery? i'm going to have an impossible time sleeping. take my smokes away, and don't hold me responsible for my actions, bitches.
i can't have coffee or anything beforehand, which means killer headache when i come to.
the whole thing was very scary. i know it's not supposed to be.
the only thing that made me feel better was being able to request a specific anesthesiologist. i picked my favorite. even though he'll possibly see my tits as a result. i tried to only worry about that for a few minutes. i just know he'll tell me if i say anything funny and will take excellent care of me. he's been doing this for a few decades. and he totally rules.
but, yeah. scary shit.
you're signing consent forms, and they're asking about living wills. and i'm thinking 'it's just a lump in my armpit. do i really need to have this thing out?' but i do. or i'll spend the rest of my life worrying about the lump in my arm that could be undiagnosed cancer. if it wasn't in such a nerve-laden area, they wouldn't even knock me out. they're giving me anti-nausea meds because more than anything, i really don't want to puke when i wake up and that goes with the territory.
i'm getting my period, and i can't take my beloved motrin for the next week. which also means suffering through the headaches i get when my body goes through this. pisser. luckily, i can still take nyquil. and the daytime meds i've been taking. big relief.
luckily, she didn't draw blood. i was a little woozy at the thought. but she did make me pee in a cup. probably to verify the fact that i'm not currently on drugs.
i was a little surpised that they didn't tell me what this thing entailed. they didn't mention bloodwork. or peeing in a cup. they didn't mention that i had to pay my co-pay. or that it would take an hour. i expected them to verify my insurance and let me leave.
the whole drive home i wondered how many insurance people now know that i smoked weed a year ago. or will exclude me from treatment for something later because i answered yes today. this is what happens when you have anxiety. oh well.
then i worried about if kit will really be able to take me, how i'd get there otherwise, and thought out the morning of, giving kit my smokes and not letting me have one on the way.
stupid shit like that, that i felt necessary to worry about a full week in advance.
what a day. what a night.
i tried to be awesome, and do things today to make my friday easier than it's going to be otherwise. and if it didn't slightly bite me in the ass. goddammit.
turns out i have the wrong version of a file saved, and ever has the computer that could fix it. i made this whole trip out to make my morning and afternoon tomorrow a little easier on me, but it backfired.
luckily, i went to the store i'm usually at, and kit needed a break. so i helped her. and that made it feel a little more worthwhile.
i worry for kit. i wish that, like me, she would start to stand up for herself and tell people who don't help her to fuck off. but she won't do it. and is now spending a very long night after a very long day, to be followed by a very long day tomorrow in the lab, because no one that she helps on a daily basis would help her.
it's so easy when it's someone else. to tell them what to do.
i'm so spiteful and vengeful. i told her that i'd use their exact words when they ask her for help the next time. but she won't. and i told her that i'd tell them she wasn't going to help them until they helped her first. bbut she won't. she'd rather have a shit night than put someone through what they're putting her through.
i'd do it for her, but she'd hate me. and i'd break her boss's kneecaps, but i never see him.
he's such a masochistic asshole. he torments her. and she is helpless in the situation, because she just wants to graduate.
so i had my first drink of the night for her. while i was at staples running that stupid errand, i ran to the liquor store after for smirnoff vanil, which is half as pricey as the stoli i usually buy. i just can't drink all that beer. only at the bar. gotta ditch carbs somewhere, and it's the easiest place to do it.
getting nowhere with atkins was a blow and a half. nothing changed. i felt better about myself despite the lack of change in the way my jeans fit.
whatever. i eat salad as often as possible. and when i was sick and ate ramen, and bored and ate popcorn, i just tell myself that it's okay.
i keep expecting landlord to run into me and try to be nice so i can tell him to sod off, because it's nicer than saying fuck off, and i've been watching brit things lately. i still can't get over him yesterday.
if he only knew what i was dealing with, he would be thanking me for paying my rent at all. whatadouche.
time to try to sleep. even though i'm awake and don't want to go to sleep. it's another day at suck store. and again on monday. luckily a customer told me so today, or i'd have had my usual sleep in driving day, forgetting all about my responsibilities and obligations. an easy day, where i make bank tips for the amount of work i have to do.
honestly, i'm kindof glad for it. being crazy busy for a few hours in the morning will make the easy afternoon so much better.
i will have to write about the marital inventory i did today, followed by the call to the mortgage people, and then the lawyer, at some point in my day tomorrow. it was traumatic. really drives home the fact that the worst is yet to come, and that ever is a fucking piece of shit. i can't write it out before i sleep or i might not. or waste a night of dreaming on ever's dumb ass showing up to torment me in my sleep.
here's to dreams about a new version of life. one that has dna unlike anything we've ever seen on this planet before. i'll have to write about my mono lake experience tomorrow as well. and the awakening intuition experience as well.
turns out that reading this book actually seems to be awakening my intuition, even though i'm skeptical.
seriously crazy shit going on in my thoughts lately. super on point with new research that is coming out. and the book is making me wonder if i've chosen my future life path all wrong.
i'll sleep. and read some more. and then write my ass off tomorrow at work.
because if there's something i know a lot about, it's making up for lost time...
it's DECEMBER? dec 1st.
how many days has it been?
too many. i have to re-read to remember where i left off.
right.
so that was saturday.
sunday was really not much of anything to write about. monday wasn't either.
yesterday, i talked out the issues that i was having, and that situation is resolved.
i'm feeling better, but definitely not 100%. it will be a while still, at least a week from what i can recall of the last cold i had that was just like this one.
the majority of what i have to say is related to ever.
he still hasn't paid the mortgage. now, because it's the first, it's already due again.
he'd better fucking pay. i will be so angry if i do.
i found out today that, if i pay the things he's not, i will most likely not get that money back.
so it changes things for me. my willingness to fix the problems he's making for me.
i got all of my paperwork sorted. signed, notarized, the whole nine. and today kit printed out my newest paperwork for me.
a list of all marital property, to be divided in court.
i really cannot believe that he is letting it get to this.
and who the fuck is advising him, anyway?
i just don't get it. i hope he gets what he deserves in other aspects of his life.
because he is really maxing me out, and i left to not have to deal with him and his bullshit. yet, somehow, nine months later, here i am. dealing with his bullshit.
so tomorrow at suck store will be spent listing all the things i own and left behind.
i had a shrink appointment finally, on monday.
i talked about the issues i was having. mostly talked about ever. and talked about tim and why that happened. and she agrees. that it happened because i was supposed to meet him, or more likely, because i was supposed to realize that i am ready for interaction with boys and whatever comes after that. and to learn not to do that again.
that i don't have to put obstacles in my path anymore to keep myself from having fun with boys.
so that was cool and reassuring.
and at the end, i was talking about the panic attacks i have been having, mostly ever-induced. the kind that i can't bring myself down from as quickly as i can the majority of the time.
and she asked me if i was still opposed to medicine. not the kind you take everyday, she said she doesn't think i need it, and i don't want it.
but she prescribed ativan to me, so that if i'm having a panic and can't calm down, i can take it. or just know that i have it.
and in light of the surgery next friday, and the flight in a few weeks, i am glad to have it. so i filled the prescription, and i have it if i need it.
the shrink was good. she told me more than once that i've done a lot of work in the last year, and in the last few months since i'd been.
i was talking about how every birthday for me is this traumatic time where i think about my life to that point, and what i've accomplished. how every year i'm tired, and feel like i have nothing to show for my efforts.
and how i'm afraid of this birthday. because there's this duality. on one hand, i have come a long way. i am happy i left ever. and i've grown so much as a person. but on the other hand, i'm going to be 33 in one week from today, and i am single, not even divorced yet (i thought it would be done and over with in four to six months), and have nothing to show for my hard work yet again.
i mean, i do. but it's not tangible yet. and who knows what will even happen in this whole court thing.
i could end up getting screwed, which would be about par for the course. he's been screwing me over for years financially, why not go out with a bang?
i'm going to have to think hard tomorrow when i'm making that list.
and you know what happened today?
i mean, i feel bad for him in a way, because he had no clue the week and month that i've had.
but landlord sent me a text because it's the first, and i didn't put my rent check under his door before i left for work like i usually do.
he sent me this text saying that the grace period is a courtesy, and that it's the first and my rent is due.
what the fuck? it was like 4 in the afternoon.
who does he think he is?
i sent him a text back that said i am perfectly aware of the date and that just as soon as i get home from work i'll put the check under his door. that i never pay my rent late. ever.
what a fucking dickhead.
seriously.
what the shit?
i guess he's pissed that i stopped paying it early. but that's what happens when you bitch to me about your money problems and take your sweet ass time to fix my shit.
you don't get money before it is owed to you.
if he only knew that i am seriously headed for trouble as far as paying my shit is concerned. with the whole lawyer thing, and possible mortgage thing, i am really going to be hurting when i come back from florida.
i intended to pay him jan rent before i left. but now i think i'll just mail it to him.
and i really want to get a new door handle/lock for my apartment door. to see if he says something. because that would mean he tried to come in again. ugh. i can't even let my paranoid brain think about it. what a douchebag.
a lot of anger today. maybe that's because i woke up this morning, with plenty of time to catch a bus to work. i left my place at 805 to catch the 818. and waited until after 845 in the pouring rain, soaking wet and freezing, with water puddled in my shoes. to watch a full bus pass us by, and for the next one to be completely packed. so much that, after our stop picked up, he blew past the rest of the stops, full.
it was madness. i got to work right at 9. and i was supposed to be there at 830, according to the bus schedule. fuckers.
if it hadn't been raining so hard, and been so windy, i would have walked. this is why i don't wait for the bus. because this is what happens to me every single time i do. i could have walked there and back in the time it took for the bus to pick me up.
i should have split a cab with someone. but i didn't. and that was just stupid.
and after being spoiled with a four day weekend, i am pretty beat. work is just a chore to me, and will be until i get home and have two weeks off. two weeks to last until april, when i get more vacation time.
i really need the money from my work for my mileage. i keep forgetting about it, it's my safety net. and now it looks like i'll be needing it. and i'm really fucking pissed off and ready to strangle ever. if he takes that from me, i will never forgive him.
never.
too many. i have to re-read to remember where i left off.
right.
so that was saturday.
sunday was really not much of anything to write about. monday wasn't either.
yesterday, i talked out the issues that i was having, and that situation is resolved.
i'm feeling better, but definitely not 100%. it will be a while still, at least a week from what i can recall of the last cold i had that was just like this one.
the majority of what i have to say is related to ever.
he still hasn't paid the mortgage. now, because it's the first, it's already due again.
he'd better fucking pay. i will be so angry if i do.
i found out today that, if i pay the things he's not, i will most likely not get that money back.
so it changes things for me. my willingness to fix the problems he's making for me.
i got all of my paperwork sorted. signed, notarized, the whole nine. and today kit printed out my newest paperwork for me.
a list of all marital property, to be divided in court.
i really cannot believe that he is letting it get to this.
and who the fuck is advising him, anyway?
i just don't get it. i hope he gets what he deserves in other aspects of his life.
because he is really maxing me out, and i left to not have to deal with him and his bullshit. yet, somehow, nine months later, here i am. dealing with his bullshit.
so tomorrow at suck store will be spent listing all the things i own and left behind.
i had a shrink appointment finally, on monday.
i talked about the issues i was having. mostly talked about ever. and talked about tim and why that happened. and she agrees. that it happened because i was supposed to meet him, or more likely, because i was supposed to realize that i am ready for interaction with boys and whatever comes after that. and to learn not to do that again.
that i don't have to put obstacles in my path anymore to keep myself from having fun with boys.
so that was cool and reassuring.
and at the end, i was talking about the panic attacks i have been having, mostly ever-induced. the kind that i can't bring myself down from as quickly as i can the majority of the time.
and she asked me if i was still opposed to medicine. not the kind you take everyday, she said she doesn't think i need it, and i don't want it.
but she prescribed ativan to me, so that if i'm having a panic and can't calm down, i can take it. or just know that i have it.
and in light of the surgery next friday, and the flight in a few weeks, i am glad to have it. so i filled the prescription, and i have it if i need it.
the shrink was good. she told me more than once that i've done a lot of work in the last year, and in the last few months since i'd been.
i was talking about how every birthday for me is this traumatic time where i think about my life to that point, and what i've accomplished. how every year i'm tired, and feel like i have nothing to show for my efforts.
and how i'm afraid of this birthday. because there's this duality. on one hand, i have come a long way. i am happy i left ever. and i've grown so much as a person. but on the other hand, i'm going to be 33 in one week from today, and i am single, not even divorced yet (i thought it would be done and over with in four to six months), and have nothing to show for my hard work yet again.
i mean, i do. but it's not tangible yet. and who knows what will even happen in this whole court thing.
i could end up getting screwed, which would be about par for the course. he's been screwing me over for years financially, why not go out with a bang?
i'm going to have to think hard tomorrow when i'm making that list.
and you know what happened today?
i mean, i feel bad for him in a way, because he had no clue the week and month that i've had.
but landlord sent me a text because it's the first, and i didn't put my rent check under his door before i left for work like i usually do.
he sent me this text saying that the grace period is a courtesy, and that it's the first and my rent is due.
what the fuck? it was like 4 in the afternoon.
who does he think he is?
i sent him a text back that said i am perfectly aware of the date and that just as soon as i get home from work i'll put the check under his door. that i never pay my rent late. ever.
what a fucking dickhead.
seriously.
what the shit?
i guess he's pissed that i stopped paying it early. but that's what happens when you bitch to me about your money problems and take your sweet ass time to fix my shit.
you don't get money before it is owed to you.
if he only knew that i am seriously headed for trouble as far as paying my shit is concerned. with the whole lawyer thing, and possible mortgage thing, i am really going to be hurting when i come back from florida.
i intended to pay him jan rent before i left. but now i think i'll just mail it to him.
and i really want to get a new door handle/lock for my apartment door. to see if he says something. because that would mean he tried to come in again. ugh. i can't even let my paranoid brain think about it. what a douchebag.
a lot of anger today. maybe that's because i woke up this morning, with plenty of time to catch a bus to work. i left my place at 805 to catch the 818. and waited until after 845 in the pouring rain, soaking wet and freezing, with water puddled in my shoes. to watch a full bus pass us by, and for the next one to be completely packed. so much that, after our stop picked up, he blew past the rest of the stops, full.
it was madness. i got to work right at 9. and i was supposed to be there at 830, according to the bus schedule. fuckers.
if it hadn't been raining so hard, and been so windy, i would have walked. this is why i don't wait for the bus. because this is what happens to me every single time i do. i could have walked there and back in the time it took for the bus to pick me up.
i should have split a cab with someone. but i didn't. and that was just stupid.
and after being spoiled with a four day weekend, i am pretty beat. work is just a chore to me, and will be until i get home and have two weeks off. two weeks to last until april, when i get more vacation time.
i really need the money from my work for my mileage. i keep forgetting about it, it's my safety net. and now it looks like i'll be needing it. and i'm really fucking pissed off and ready to strangle ever. if he takes that from me, i will never forgive him.
never.
will this ever end? nov 27th.
this cold has stamina.
i woke up this morning to the sensation that i can't blow everything out of my nose that is residing in my sinuses. tissue after tissue, it doesn't end.
and now, from blowing my nose so much in the last 24 hours, it's bloody. suuuuucks. and there's that whole chapped face thing which is super hot.
i am determined to do something today and feel better. or just ignore the fact that i don't feel well, and do something regardless.
i feel like going to favorite bar for brunch, but i'm not hungry, and i still don't feel like being around people.
a friend had posted something a few days ago about what it meant that her netflix top recommendation was 'wristcutters'. i told her not to worry, because it was my top recommendation also.
last night i watched it. it was categorized as a dark comedy, so it seemed like a safe bet, but i was afraid it would be morbid.
it really wasn't. the suicide aspect of the movie was made lighter than you'd think, and the movie itself was really really good.
and in watching it, which i only really did because patrick fugit stars in it, i realized why i like 19 year old boyfriend.
it's because he reminds me of patrick fugit.
side by side, not so much. but it's the shape of his face, his hair sometimes, and definitely his mouth, and the look he has on his face when he comes by sometimes that i guess i was recognizing from watching and loving almost famous so much.
so it makes perfect sense to me that i dreamt him last night.
it's been well over a year since i developed this crush on him. which, surely by now, means that he's probably my 21 year old boyfriend. and i didn't ever have a dream with him in it until a couple months ago. i want to say i've had two about him in the last couple weeks.
the one last night was pretty awesome.
we were at my parents' house. only my dad was the principal from buffy instead of my dad.
and he came over to hang out, nothing had happened between us at all. but we both liked each other. he came over and he was going to stay the night.
we were hanging out in the office talking, he stretched his legs out in front of him, put them in my lap sitting opposite him. i was rubbing his feet while we talked.
we were taking smoke breaks together, kindof hatching a plan for him to stay over so we could curl up together and talk some more and fall asleep that way. but i knew i wouldn't sleep. and i was really really happy.
aubree was there, and my brother showed up toward the end of the dream, to be a pain in the ass, as he is in real life.
and i got really mad at myself in my sleep, because i was digging through the dresser trying to find the cutest bra and underwear i owned to change into, under the clothes i was wearing. and he was waiting for me outside, and eventually gave up on me and came back inside just as i found what i wanted to wear. i got mad because i realized that i didn't need a bra to sleep in, so it just seemed stupid.
at one point, my principal dad cornered us in the doorway of the office, he was in front of me i guess, but i had my arms around him. and dad lectured him about staying the night and where he'd be sleeping and totally embarrassed me. but he was cool about it, and we went to smoke outside, and after that, got into bed together. i woke up as we were starting to make out.
what else is new.
robbed, again.
nyquil has been giving me insanely complicated dreams. the one with thundersnow was so crazy. there was so much happening. i could only write notes when i woke up, because i was afraid of everything i'd forget if i made it into the story of the dream.
but it was very vivid, and another end of the world dream, amongst other things.
and i don't know why, but i'm thinking to talk about the lawyer now.
so i got another email from him. and basically, he sent me this form to fill out that lists all of our property.
i'm going to get pretty detailed. all the things that i left behind and had to replace.
i'm going to list the business. even though i don't want to bring it into it, still, after everything.
he still hasn't paid the mortgage, which makes me think that he's just not going to.
and what scares me is that someone might be advising him not to.
he has to be willing to risk his equity to do it. and i can see him doing that, only because he has nothing else to lose, and never had money like that anyway.
i have so much more to lose by him doing it. and he totally knows that.
there's no way, now that everyone who owes him money is back in town after making a ton of it, that he doesn't have it. i guess that's why i'm confused.
the more i think about the why of it all, the more i realize that there's really no sense at all in trying to rationalize it. there's no simple explanation for any of this. because if i just think that it's because he's retarded, i think that someone who cares would try to help him. if i just think that he's ignoring everything, i think that the correspondence from the lawyer would keep him focused. if i think that he's just hurt and trying to hurt me, then i realize that more than anything he could ever do to try to fuck me over, he's fucking himself over even more.
so none of it will ever make sense to me.
not even when it's all over and done with.
at least we're getting closer to that.
at least it is almost over.
at least it is almost behind me.
i know that i transfer feelings from one person to another. and i know that when i'm tired and sick, i think and feel things that i wouldn't otherwise.
i got really really angry last night. and i actually cried. for the first time i can remember without a movie to bring it out of me.
i wrote this really mean letter to get it all out of my system, which is what i do when i'm that angry. i never send the letters, but it sure felt great to write it all out.
because i'm doing it again. it's not with the person i'm married to. but i've been doing the same thing i did with ever. not dealing with things as they come up, so that there's this stockpile of hurt feelings that i say nothing about, and do nothing about.
i don't think i'll ever stand up for myself when it comes to people hurting my feelings. i'll always make excuses for them, or think that i brought it on myself.
and maybe it is okay to blame part of the way i am on ever. because when i would tell him that he had done something that hurt my feelings, he'd consistently say that i made it up, that it was all in my head.
so after years of that, i stopped talking. and started burying instead. but then again, i've been doing this my whole life.
bury things. bury more things. and then one little thing happens. and then the dam breaks. and then things that shouldn't get added into the flood do. and instead of one little thing here and there, it's this pervasive pile of shit to deal with.
so that's what happened last night. i wrote it all out, got it all out of my system. and resolved to talk about it when i wasn't so upset. basically use my letter as an outline for things i need to say and get off my chest.
if i have to repeat myself, maybe that is something i just have to start doing. part of burying things, and leaving things unsaid, is that i know i've said it before and i don't want to nag. i expect people to remember that i'm sensitive to something when i tell them that i am.
and that's also why it feels so bad to go through the same things repeatedly. it becomes a pattern. and it sucks.
because i've already said it.
i know i'm talking around the problems here. but i guess i'm still working things out in my head.
so aside from 'wristcutters' and making it to season three of buffy, i also rewatched 'the neverending story' last night.
it had been years and years. it was one of my favorites growing up.
i had completely forgotten the beginning. in my head, i guess it started with him opening the book. and it was strange to see as an adult. like 'the dark crystal'. i feel like there were so many things in that movie that should have scared me when i was little, the way 'labyrinth' did. but it didn't.
and seeing it as an adult made me fall out of love with it a little. the story didn't get to me the way it did when i was a kid. it seemed like such a wonderfully complete story when i was little, but as a grown up, i guess it lacked transition. so in my head it was a five star movie, and at the end of the night last night, it was more like a three.
i'm convinced that rewatching 'flight of the navigator' will not end the same way. that movie was so funny to me when i was little. i think it will hold up.
i hope it will.
i'm going to get a hot hot shower. and get out of bed. this shit is ridiculous.
i have got to get better. and try to at least enjoy the normal part of my weekend. because the first two days were kinda wrecked by being sick. all i've done is trash my apartment.
it's pretty exciting to have tomorrow off, too. third day off today. i have absolutely nothing to show for it. but maybe that doesn't matter.
23 days until i go home. i can't wait to go home.
i woke up this morning to the sensation that i can't blow everything out of my nose that is residing in my sinuses. tissue after tissue, it doesn't end.
and now, from blowing my nose so much in the last 24 hours, it's bloody. suuuuucks. and there's that whole chapped face thing which is super hot.
i am determined to do something today and feel better. or just ignore the fact that i don't feel well, and do something regardless.
i feel like going to favorite bar for brunch, but i'm not hungry, and i still don't feel like being around people.
a friend had posted something a few days ago about what it meant that her netflix top recommendation was 'wristcutters'. i told her not to worry, because it was my top recommendation also.
last night i watched it. it was categorized as a dark comedy, so it seemed like a safe bet, but i was afraid it would be morbid.
it really wasn't. the suicide aspect of the movie was made lighter than you'd think, and the movie itself was really really good.
and in watching it, which i only really did because patrick fugit stars in it, i realized why i like 19 year old boyfriend.
it's because he reminds me of patrick fugit.
side by side, not so much. but it's the shape of his face, his hair sometimes, and definitely his mouth, and the look he has on his face when he comes by sometimes that i guess i was recognizing from watching and loving almost famous so much.
so it makes perfect sense to me that i dreamt him last night.
it's been well over a year since i developed this crush on him. which, surely by now, means that he's probably my 21 year old boyfriend. and i didn't ever have a dream with him in it until a couple months ago. i want to say i've had two about him in the last couple weeks.
the one last night was pretty awesome.
we were at my parents' house. only my dad was the principal from buffy instead of my dad.
and he came over to hang out, nothing had happened between us at all. but we both liked each other. he came over and he was going to stay the night.
we were hanging out in the office talking, he stretched his legs out in front of him, put them in my lap sitting opposite him. i was rubbing his feet while we talked.
we were taking smoke breaks together, kindof hatching a plan for him to stay over so we could curl up together and talk some more and fall asleep that way. but i knew i wouldn't sleep. and i was really really happy.
aubree was there, and my brother showed up toward the end of the dream, to be a pain in the ass, as he is in real life.
and i got really mad at myself in my sleep, because i was digging through the dresser trying to find the cutest bra and underwear i owned to change into, under the clothes i was wearing. and he was waiting for me outside, and eventually gave up on me and came back inside just as i found what i wanted to wear. i got mad because i realized that i didn't need a bra to sleep in, so it just seemed stupid.
at one point, my principal dad cornered us in the doorway of the office, he was in front of me i guess, but i had my arms around him. and dad lectured him about staying the night and where he'd be sleeping and totally embarrassed me. but he was cool about it, and we went to smoke outside, and after that, got into bed together. i woke up as we were starting to make out.
what else is new.
robbed, again.
nyquil has been giving me insanely complicated dreams. the one with thundersnow was so crazy. there was so much happening. i could only write notes when i woke up, because i was afraid of everything i'd forget if i made it into the story of the dream.
but it was very vivid, and another end of the world dream, amongst other things.
and i don't know why, but i'm thinking to talk about the lawyer now.
so i got another email from him. and basically, he sent me this form to fill out that lists all of our property.
i'm going to get pretty detailed. all the things that i left behind and had to replace.
i'm going to list the business. even though i don't want to bring it into it, still, after everything.
he still hasn't paid the mortgage, which makes me think that he's just not going to.
and what scares me is that someone might be advising him not to.
he has to be willing to risk his equity to do it. and i can see him doing that, only because he has nothing else to lose, and never had money like that anyway.
i have so much more to lose by him doing it. and he totally knows that.
there's no way, now that everyone who owes him money is back in town after making a ton of it, that he doesn't have it. i guess that's why i'm confused.
the more i think about the why of it all, the more i realize that there's really no sense at all in trying to rationalize it. there's no simple explanation for any of this. because if i just think that it's because he's retarded, i think that someone who cares would try to help him. if i just think that he's ignoring everything, i think that the correspondence from the lawyer would keep him focused. if i think that he's just hurt and trying to hurt me, then i realize that more than anything he could ever do to try to fuck me over, he's fucking himself over even more.
so none of it will ever make sense to me.
not even when it's all over and done with.
at least we're getting closer to that.
at least it is almost over.
at least it is almost behind me.
i know that i transfer feelings from one person to another. and i know that when i'm tired and sick, i think and feel things that i wouldn't otherwise.
i got really really angry last night. and i actually cried. for the first time i can remember without a movie to bring it out of me.
i wrote this really mean letter to get it all out of my system, which is what i do when i'm that angry. i never send the letters, but it sure felt great to write it all out.
because i'm doing it again. it's not with the person i'm married to. but i've been doing the same thing i did with ever. not dealing with things as they come up, so that there's this stockpile of hurt feelings that i say nothing about, and do nothing about.
i don't think i'll ever stand up for myself when it comes to people hurting my feelings. i'll always make excuses for them, or think that i brought it on myself.
and maybe it is okay to blame part of the way i am on ever. because when i would tell him that he had done something that hurt my feelings, he'd consistently say that i made it up, that it was all in my head.
so after years of that, i stopped talking. and started burying instead. but then again, i've been doing this my whole life.
bury things. bury more things. and then one little thing happens. and then the dam breaks. and then things that shouldn't get added into the flood do. and instead of one little thing here and there, it's this pervasive pile of shit to deal with.
so that's what happened last night. i wrote it all out, got it all out of my system. and resolved to talk about it when i wasn't so upset. basically use my letter as an outline for things i need to say and get off my chest.
if i have to repeat myself, maybe that is something i just have to start doing. part of burying things, and leaving things unsaid, is that i know i've said it before and i don't want to nag. i expect people to remember that i'm sensitive to something when i tell them that i am.
and that's also why it feels so bad to go through the same things repeatedly. it becomes a pattern. and it sucks.
because i've already said it.
i know i'm talking around the problems here. but i guess i'm still working things out in my head.
so aside from 'wristcutters' and making it to season three of buffy, i also rewatched 'the neverending story' last night.
it had been years and years. it was one of my favorites growing up.
i had completely forgotten the beginning. in my head, i guess it started with him opening the book. and it was strange to see as an adult. like 'the dark crystal'. i feel like there were so many things in that movie that should have scared me when i was little, the way 'labyrinth' did. but it didn't.
and seeing it as an adult made me fall out of love with it a little. the story didn't get to me the way it did when i was a kid. it seemed like such a wonderfully complete story when i was little, but as a grown up, i guess it lacked transition. so in my head it was a five star movie, and at the end of the night last night, it was more like a three.
i'm convinced that rewatching 'flight of the navigator' will not end the same way. that movie was so funny to me when i was little. i think it will hold up.
i hope it will.
i'm going to get a hot hot shower. and get out of bed. this shit is ridiculous.
i have got to get better. and try to at least enjoy the normal part of my weekend. because the first two days were kinda wrecked by being sick. all i've done is trash my apartment.
it's pretty exciting to have tomorrow off, too. third day off today. i have absolutely nothing to show for it. but maybe that doesn't matter.
23 days until i go home. i can't wait to go home.
future tea. november 27th (technically).
DEAR FUTURE TEA:
are you happy? are you still sad? are you still lonely? are you still unsatisfied? are you still unkissed? are you still wanting to be alone? are you still up at night, dreaming and writing about the same fucking place in your head you dwell in? and are you still up at night, late, just before fall reminiscing?
one year later. it's hard to believe.
i am not happy. especially not tonight.
but i am happier. so that's something.
i am still sad. i think i will always be sad about something.
i'm lonelier than i've ever been.
but i'm trying to deal with that in a healthy way. and healthy right now is watching like ten hours of netflix a day.
i am unsatisfied. but at least it's not because of ever anymore. now it's just with my life and the decisions that i make. and being aware of it can only help.
i've now been kissed, but it's been months. and i'm dying. DYING. to be kissed again.
it's safe to say that i have been alone, and i'm actually okay with not being alone anymore. i no longer feel the need to be alone until valentine's day.
saying as it's 122 am, i am still up at night writing. and though i've cycled through a few boys, it is mostly about the same place and the same boy.
and i will always reminisce. but now i'm not doing it with the aid of my old journals.
are you happy? are you still sad? are you still lonely? are you still unsatisfied? are you still unkissed? are you still wanting to be alone? are you still up at night, dreaming and writing about the same fucking place in your head you dwell in? and are you still up at night, late, just before fall reminiscing?
one year later. it's hard to believe.
i am not happy. especially not tonight.
but i am happier. so that's something.
i am still sad. i think i will always be sad about something.
i'm lonelier than i've ever been.
but i'm trying to deal with that in a healthy way. and healthy right now is watching like ten hours of netflix a day.
i am unsatisfied. but at least it's not because of ever anymore. now it's just with my life and the decisions that i make. and being aware of it can only help.
i've now been kissed, but it's been months. and i'm dying. DYING. to be kissed again.
it's safe to say that i have been alone, and i'm actually okay with not being alone anymore. i no longer feel the need to be alone until valentine's day.
saying as it's 122 am, i am still up at night writing. and though i've cycled through a few boys, it is mostly about the same place and the same boy.
and i will always reminisce. but now i'm not doing it with the aid of my old journals.
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