denouement. june 20th.

so this is winding down.

i'm wiped OUT.


i went to bed at about three, if i had to guess. i was definitely awake at 230. but lights were out after that.

i woke up early. too early. went back to sleep. maybe it was 745. then i woke up at ten and drifted until almost eleven, i think.

i just didn't want to get up.


i had this dream that made me want to cry when i woke up. from that whole potluck thing. it was jay and ever and i was at the house, but i wasn't supposed to be. it was just bad. i woke up so sad.

but i shook it off, got up, and spaced out for a bit. the writer had written me a note, promising the photographs this week. and asked a question about how i was feeling as far as independence was concerned. so i wrote him back an almost novel. i gave him my address back home, if he sends them now, or to wait until i get back.

i hope he sends them when i'm home.

i cannot imagine how it would feel to be home and get mail there. and also, to be with kit and nina when they arrive. i'm really really excited to see them. i think they will fit right in with how i'm feeling lately. and make me see a different side of myself. a prettier side.

i'm still not convinced. i stare at myself in the mirror in the morning, when i wake up. and i think 'oh my god...i feel sorry for the next person who will have to look at this upon waking the morning after a sleepover.'

it's bad. man face. it makes me want to plan to set an alarm to wake up before him and put makeup on before he wakes up, after the puffiness goes away.

it reminds me of two things. my friend greg posted this article a bit ago. it was from a 1940s era (guessing) magazine. telling women proper bedroom etiquette. and that they should awake daily an hour ahead of their husbands to put on makeup, so as to not scare them or make them wake unpleasantly. it was full of little gems, like 'if you don't achieve pleasure during relations, just know that he was satisfied, and that's what really matters'. you know, awesomeness. i wish i could remember the rest. it was classic.

the other thing it makes me think is that i probably won't fall asleep the next time i am in bed next to a boy, so maybe it won't matter. if you don't fall asleep, you can be uglier upon waking, right?


after the letter to the writer, kit came over for a bit, and i organized my room. then she was inspired, so i follower her to her place and helped her clean and organize her place for a while, and spaced out on facebook over there.


until i pushed her to go to the gym with me. she used to be a personal trainer, and i know jack shit about working out. i told her i'd start calling her 'the punisher' if she'd start training me. i want to be stronger. not like muscle-bound. but the days of nearly killing two of my friends while moving need to be over.

and she kicked my ass at the gym. and it flew by, but i am already sore.

it's funny. i always thought i had a really strong stomach. i can do crunches, but haven't in months.

i did like six situps on the incline bench? roman bench? i don't know what it's called. but after that, i couldn't do a single one. not even flat on the floor. i was laughing, she was laughing. and i kept saying, 'my abs are broken' in her trademark little kid voice.

i've got some work to do, son. i was lifting my legs while i was on my back. that was better, but still hard for me. i am a weenie. a weakling. but i'm so determined to do well, so i know that i will. i just have to stick to it.

it was great. then she taught me free weights.

i was doing the lawnmower exercise, with bad form. and the treehugger exercise, with bad form. and then some over my head things that i was pretty good at.

i was tired and shaking. my lower back is really unhappy right now. i need to strengthen that up.

but it was a mad success. i am so glad that i'm sticking to my plan.

last night, we went to the bar. surprise, surprise. i cannot stay away from those things lately.

anyway, i had a salad and chicken fingers. and i ate one and a half of her french fries. they didn't taste as good as i wanted them to. like my taste buds had changed. or like i trained myself to think that they don't taste good.

i guess i ate at three today, finishing off my whole paycheck salad and eating a bunch of veggies a while before the gym.

and i had a couple baked tortilla chips with my favorite tapenade. and that didn't taste right either. it was so super salty. i ate like three chips and put them away.

i don't know what to make of it.

but i was relieved.

and tonight i made some incredible guacamole. the chunky kind. with lime and onion and garlic. and it is soooo good. and i had a few chips with that.

after eating a huge salad.


all this talk about food is making feel weird. but i'm just processing the fact that i'm sticking to the plan.

and maybe bragging? i hope not. i hate braggarts.

but seriously: killer bike ride. banana. breading on chicken. gym. a couple baked chips.

i must go to the gym. as long as i do it, i'll be fine. i hate that i'll go to work tomorrow tired. but i had such a wonderful and productive weekend that i am okay with it.


i feel like there was more to write about.


this is random, but my brother got engaged yesterday. he'd bought the ring and asked her dad months ago. and he finally popped the question yesterday morning. on a fishing trip. the ring was in the tackle box.

very cute, for him. he's kinda special. i honestly worry that marriage is for him, but i'm such a cynic now that it's not really fair to project it onto him. i guess he has been growing up since i've been away. and this girl puts up with his bullshit. and they've been together for a couple years, i guess. and they talk about it often.

anyway, she said yes. and it will be at least a year. so i'm glad for that.


i talked to dad for father's day today. and he was busy, as always, while he was on the phone. sometimes it is worse, and i feel like he only hears half of what i say. and then starts griping about everyone who sucks.

today was no different, only today he brought up ever and the divorce. and so i spent most of the call talking to him about that, because he wanted to. and told him that this wasn't how i wanted to have conversation on his day. but he kept talking.

whatever he wants, you know? it is his day.


then ever texted me, randomly. wanting to know my dad's number to call him.

wonder if he did, or if it was all just to look like a good guy.

found out tonite, talking to aubree, that he had also texted her and my mom. like i wouldn't text him back. what a douche.


so i have decided to mix my spring mix with the dark sky roadtrip mix. and it is fantastic. there wasn't enough on either to fill a list. but together? perfect. and saying as we listened to the spring mix on the way there, it works.

this owen song is so cute. it's so sad, but hilarious.

'where in the hell am i? and how did i get here - with one shoe? and which way to the nearest train? and sometimes, like every time she breathes, i embrace my routine.'

only problem is that half of the songs are only on my ipod, so i can't make cds of it yet. i guess i have a mini project for the week, so i can spread the love when i get home.


and then i think about coffee, and my brain rushes at a billion miles an hour. and my stomach drops uncontrollably, like a freefall for a second. and sometimes it lingers. like last night, looking at the dark sky info booklet from the park we went to. i just saw a list of meteor showers, and i thought of him. instantly sick for about five minutes.

but this is like watching sand through an hourglass. the days before are slowly disappearing, and pretty soon it will be the days during. and the days after.

i've been getting strange feedback lately, regarding that.

at work on friday, i was telling my coworker the incredibly abbreviated story. of coffee and december. and what my plans are, involving him, when i go home. and my other coworker came in for her shift, so then i really had to abbreviate it.

and the look on her face. it made me question myself.

she was just saying that if her girlfriend went to a drink with some girl who had some form of a history with her, she'd flip out. that she's a pretty jealous person, and that a couple times a year, they have to have a talk to put her mind at ease. and that she didn't think it was a good idea, because of his girlfriend.

to which i said, i don't know if he has a girlfriend. if he does, it's recent. and not too serious, as far as i can tell. because if it was, it would be kinda obvious. but his possibly two or three month girlfriend is not like her girlfriend of two years.

and i obviously don't have an agenda, if that is the case. i'm not planning anything inappropriate. i mean, if he is single, and i find my balls and kiss him, that's one thing. but if he has a girl, i would never even think of it. i kept telling them, 'i'm not a homewrecker. i'm not out for a relationship. i just want to ask a question, get my answer, and move on with my life.'

and then, today, i told my sister. and she was like, 'doesn't he have a girlfriend?'

so i say the same things to her.

she thought i asked him in december. i did not. she also thought there was no reason for me to see him now, because she thought i'd asked him about the kiss in december. i didn't. i told her my shitty reasoning, too.

i just didn't want to ask, and not have another chance to see him before i flew back to ever and my shitty life. and i didn't ask. and he didn't call, so it didn't matter.

and that is why it matters to me now.

i have got to move on. i have got to leave this there. and not pick it up again. and though it is a habit that is going to be hard to break, if anything happens other than a makeout session, i have got to deal with it. for once and for all. i've said that before. but i have to mean it. and all of you guys have to make me stick to it.

because i can't go on this way. i just have this feeling in my stomach, like right now. hearing a song we used to listen to. and i see a flash of him sitting next to me at dark sky in the fall. or hear a song and remember waking up next to him, snuggled into my velour shirt that i used to wear when i wanted him to want to sleep next to me. or imagine his face when i walk in to talk with travel scrabble in hand. and how huge my smile will be, and how tall i'll be walking. and how much i'll have to fake calm/cool/collected. and our heads sticking out of his bedroom window that fateful night of the alligator-egret question that brought it all to an end.

i just can't slow my brain. and until he brings it to a screeching halt, all i have is that gut feeling. that thing about, 'you're just too good for me to not be with me'.

and i hate that it's based off of something so ancient. which is why i'm bracing myself.

and the whole string of convictions about i live here, he lives there. i'm not looking for a one off, so no kind of arrangement could ever work. and i can't fathom that anything could happen to change that situation. i couldn't be that lucky. to have him say, 'you know... i kinda never stopped thinking about you.' he would NEVER. never ever say that.

and then, i think of that boy who called kit and professed his love for her.

i hate these little thoughts. the ones that fan the fire, until it is over and done with.

and i guess what i fear the most is him not having a girl. and me finding my balls and kissing him. and then having to sing 'chivalry' in its entirety. sobbing and meaning every single fucking word of that song.

that song is just so perfect. and i don't want to have to have lived every line of it. especially the one about 'i could tell in the way he did not kiss back'.


i'm almost packed. it's crazy. all my shorts and short sleeve shirts. all my bathing suits. only the best undies. and only the sexiest pushup bras. and nina's books from the writer. and this dress. i kept thinking, do i wear a dress or the skinny jeans and something nice on top? and the dress i have might just be perfect. i might not have to buy one. it's black with tiny white polka dots. which worked perfectly the last time i saw him, in jeans and a shirt that looked a lot like the dress.

and then, my mind wanders down that familiar path. where i think, 'if i wear a dress, that won't bode well if i spend the night sleeping next to him.' i mean, it's much easier to bare a belly in a shirt than in a dress. dear god. it would all be on display! oh, man. i crack myself up sometimes. but the 'haha' and 'lol' don't really translate in a blog.


god. i'm making myself sick of myself. as 'if i ever feel better' comes on.

thanks, phoenix. 'if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. you can give me your number. when it's all over, i'll you know.'


and in closing, i realized this weekend that it has been about five months since i had sex. maybe that explains my poor brain function.


and the ice cream truck is rolling down the street at ten pm. only in this city...