chrysalis. october 28th.

so i learned a lot in the last few days. nights, really.

i'm having a hard time typing.

i got a little annoyed at hyperbole's post today, because it was a drunk post. about being drunk.


and now, i'm following suit. only fixing the typos as i go. and there have been about six so far. make that eight.


kim at work bought a four loko for me the other day. after numerous posts from the writer citing that he was working while drinking them, and a comment from aubree spotting one in lauren's going away party picture, i knew better than to drink it during the week.

basically, cram a six pack of beer and two cups of coffee into an oversized can, and you have four loko. i'm halfway into a can. i can't feel my lips. typing is next to impossible. yet painting butterfly wings is going swimmingly well.

i'm having a hard time negotiating the stencils on the wing, because there are two sets, plus an inverse of each. backwards. flip it. duplicate.

one coat of orange on all four lowers. that is where i am.


i realized tonight, inadvertently, that my halloween costume is all too appropriate. because i am, right now, stuck in my chrysalis. i've long since been a caterpillar. and i've been in this weird cocoon for a few months now.

i wish i could say that i've emerged, but i don't think i have. or will for a while yet.


but it's the potential i have, to become what i want to be, that is exciting and fitting.

so i draw, and cut, and paint.


nothing really has happened. i almost cried at work today because an old friend came by to visit at suck store.

his wife died suddenly this past easter. and he was so in love with her. he inadvertently asked how hubby was doing.

and i had to tell him.

because 'til death do we part' was so much a principal in his life, i really almost didn't tell him. but i did.

and i almost cried.

i don't really know why. but after we talked for a few minutes, i had to take a second to breathe.


i think it was that i was explaining how i want a family someday. probably a kid. and that i had to start over before i got any older if i want that to happen.

and he came back by after the conversation to tell me that it was really smart of me to think of that baby.

and i think that is what it was that got to me.

because, honestly? i don't know that it will happen for me. i feel like i might have just watched my window of opportunity pass me by, in hopes that a better, more reliable window might open.

i don't know. it just kinda hit me.

in the middle of my shift. just after lunch.

and i got past it, but not over it, and went about the remainder of my day.


i found cakewrecks today. and i'm glad for that. because i laughed all day. and then came back to it after that heavy shit, and laughed harder.

tonight, in the car, driving back from a trip to jersey (ugh!) to get kit's car out of the shop, i cracked up. remembering the night we went to madonna michael prince when i backed into a car at full speed.

i hadn't even had a beer yet. completely sober.

full speed.

laughing now again.

maybe you had to be there.


but i laughed some more after that, thinking about some of the cakes i saw today at work.

man.

what a brilliant idea.


i need to get back to the costume. i'm fucking EXHAUSTED. and i don't feel like doing it at all. but i have to.


* * *

yeah. that was a fail of time management proportions.

all the orange is double coated.


of course, i had the 'this could have taken one hour' epiphany. and been much more realistic and pretty.

black posterboard with cutouts. orange tissue paper. word to the wise... do this instead.


it's one. i'm in a great deal of pain from being overly tired.


four loko was in fact loco.i could only drink half. i was shitty drunk after a third. then felt gross.

and stopped drinking.

now, a bowl of grits. and hopefully a lot of sleep. before another long day.

i work entirely too hard, and somehow i still spin my wheels.

ugh.


maybe next year i'll give myself more time.

i could've been at favorite bar carving pumpkins. but i wasn't.


and in other news... intern is debating going.

and i feel like jim carrey in dumb and dumber...

'so you're telling me i have a chance.'


we shall see.

if he does go, this could be the most pretty halloween ever. i wouldn't mind watching him watch the band.

but that is neither here nor there. which is becoming an overused phrase lately.


yeah. i guess i'm still drunk. either that, or exhaustion mixed with last cigarette is having a profound effect on my equilibrium and everything that goes along with that...

goodnight. sleep tight.

don't let the butterflies fly.