i'm pretty sure these are cramps that i am feeling.
i'm really in shock about my day today.
i had the worst day.
i started to panic at around ten this morning. all work related.
going home, being ready. realizing that i have two shifts which need to be covered that i cannot possibly cover.
i don't know what to do.
then i started panicking about things in general. overreacting.
my whole body feels hot right now. i'm shaking and smiling. and i'm exhausted.
i panicked about an order. i panicked about traffic flow increases and decreases while i'm away.
i remembered an annoying catering while i'm gone.
i remembered that i'm gone for end of month.
then i worked all day and all night. i didn't eat until three. which made me run behind schedule.
then i called kenna.
and it was awful. i think she forgot i was going home. i think she forgot that i told her i'd be gone for two weeks.
something in her tone made me feel like i'd let her down. i was telling her why i'm so stressed out. and she said that she understood why, since i'm leaving with some things unresolved.
i don't know. i have been struggling with my job since before dark sky. because i feel too much of a mess to do the best job. because the divorce stuff is throwing me off. more specifically, how i'm handling the divorce is throwing me off.
i'm not proud of it. and this whole time, i just kept thinking. i'll get home and deal with my personal life and my emotional well being. and i'll relax and rest and recharge.
and now it's almost here. and i'm working too much and it's wearing me out. i don't have time to handle things i need to handle. and today was the worst of it, because i tried to deal with everything so i don't forget anything.
and i can't make someone magically appear to fix everything for me.
it really sucks.
so when i went for a drink before the show with kit i had a few too many of her fries, and drank on an empty stomach.
and i was panicking there. talking about coffee and work and kenna. and really feeling incredibly unwell, mentally. unstable. and my shitty day bled into what was going to be the second best night of my life, post ever.
the thao and mirah show.
seriously. i have seen a shit ton of shows. gogol new years was the best until tonight.
kit told me that it would be fine. and that if i stopped talking about coffee and just got excited for the show, i'd be fine.
and that no matter what happens with him, i'll be okay. i'll be fine. i'll be alive and breathing.
and it doesn't feel that way to me.
it feels more like i'm about to find out if i'm crazy or not. i'm about to either end this or continue it. and i can honestly say that i don't know which scares me more.
nina said yesterday, in chat, that if i decide to move home after this night, we'll deal with that later. but that, for now, it's a night of fun and talking. and something about the moving home comment felt like a punch in the gut. not because of her. but because i cannot fathom that it would ever be an option for me.
but i'll ask. and then i'll know.
i feel like i don't deserve to have him say things to me that are the things i want to hear.
and as a writer, it also could be that i'm writing the most unbelievable true story if it ends with an outpouring of mutual something.
it feels like i'm continuing the tragedy of my life with coffee.
and it feels like the longest day of the year. because it is.
i fear and dread putting something on the line. even if it is just a question.
and i am excited to know and move on. but i'm very very scared.
so after work, after his avoidance, i pinned him down. i brought it back to him. what place and time.
and then i went to the bar. and then to the show.
the SHOW.
i don't have words yet. it feels like being hugged and hit by a truck at the same time.
seeing them together was not at all what i thought it would be. i expected solo sets and then a joint set.
instead, they claimed to have married their bands. and went back and forth, playing songs.as a whole.
though i didn't get chivalry, thao played most of her new stuff. and beat. and mirah played new and old, including recommendation, which was what i wanted to hear. it was awesome.
i took so much video snippet stuff. and so many pictures. kit did, too. with my camera.
after the show, lauren from work, who i'd bought a ticket for out of gratitude, got the set list for me. and kit got thao to sign in, by saying to make it out to me..
while she wrote it out, i told her that i love her and that her music is the soundtrack to my life. at work, in the car, everywhere. it was embarrassing, being so starstruck and gushy. but i just wanted her to know.
she was so nice, and despite performing in a room that was easily a hundred degrees (i could have wrung out my clothes. so fucking HOT.), she was sweet and flattered and it just made me love her even more.
i can't believe i met her. i can't believe i got the set list. and that she wrote that it was a pleasure to play for me. i can't believe i gushed.
then dropped sixty bucks at the merch table on cds and a shirt. i never buy a shirt. but i had to have this one. it was amazing.
i realized when i got home that i grabbed the wrong cd. but that is okay. i meant to get her first and last cds. instead i got the newest and middle.
sigh.
i just wanted to give her all of my money. i literally spent all the money i had on me there.
and walked home with kit, fucking giddy and talking loudly, walking the short jaunt to my apartment.
and she went home and i went home.
and then, the night that had fixed my disaster day miraculously, that made me feel as clear as the time i went to the krishna temple, completely calm and peace inside...
my night got better.
because coffee named the time and place.
and then i asked the date.
and now i wait.
who is this person? i have NEVER asked him on a date. and as much as i don't think of this as being that, it's starting to sound and - more importantly - feel like a date.
a date. with coffee. probably this weekend.
because i want it to be over with, but also to allow for another night of group shenanigans, should the need arise.
i can't help it.
he said six pm. and i wonder, wow. what is he doing after? and also, wow. this could be a long night.
i just don't know what he thinks, so i can't know what to expect.
but one thing is for certain.
i'm fucking DOING IT. i mean, i did it. i didn't back down and puss out. and i'm getting what i want.
and i don't care that i had to be the one to ask.
and i don't care that he doesn't comment on my status updates or pictures.
because all that matters now is that he will be sitting across from me in a few days, telling me stories and listening to what i have to say and ask.
last night, before sleep, i was doing my daydream thing.
i was staring at the ceiling and i was freaking out a bit about it. and then i remembered that thao was today, and really got excited. i was up for another two hours plus after that hit me.
and then i was laying in my bed on my stomach/side. curled up with my pillow the way i always am.
and my daydream was just pillowtalk. looking at him, looking at me. heads on pillows. just talking.
how we used to.
i miss that. not just specific to him. but with anyone of the boy persuasion. someone who likes me enough to lay with me and talk to me. without doing anything other than twirling my curls while we talk.
close enough to smell breath.
and i can't help it.
because i can see it.
and then i remembered heima. and then i thought that i just want too much.
i can't see it only being one game. but i can, too, because a game is what? two hours?
what if that is all i get? what if he's meeting me at six because his girlfriend gets home at nine?
and what if i get pillow talk? i wouldn't let myself lay in his bed again and not kiss him. i don't know if i can be at a bar with him, talking and not attempt to kiss him, if the right circumstances arise.
what if get all those past wishes, only seemingly wasted?
part of me wants to set the bar so low, to set my expectations to amount in utter failure, leaving him and feeling the same way he has always made me feel? like i said too much, too soon. that i came on too strong. or that, as it has always been, that i have the worst possible timing.
so that, if i get a makeout session for the first time in something like six years or more, it will be all the sweeter.
i don't know.
the manic rollercoaster has been around this week. since dark sky, i've been up. and i keep having the feeling that things are just too perfect.
i mean, the lucky cigarette tonight after i asked him what day is good for him.
the winter star party in key west that ends on the first anniversary of the day i left ever.
thao and home in the same week.
why do i feel so lucky? why am i so unwilling to think that this could just be one more thing to add to the list?
i think i'm just afraid. of either thing. because nothing scares me more than contemplating moving home, all because of what may or may not be said in one night of conversation over the thing that has brought me back to him.
without facebook scrabble, none of this would be possible. without kit getting me into it, none of it would have happened. i would have had no platform.
and while i'm thanking kit for things, without her indie 101 mix, i never would have known thao. and i never would have bought an extra ticket in gratitude to her for introducing me.
and then, this day would have ended with me, panicking, at the bar.
it feels like that time in my life when i was all celestine prophesy-d out. and i was crazy, and i took it to a whole other level.
but just like that, it feels like since i saw the stars align, they followed me home, even though i can't see them. and now they're just stuck that way.
because i can't do anything in my life with half a heart, part of me wants to put so much hope and wistfulness into this that when the star spell is broken, my heart is so completely shattered that it can never come back to him again. not ever.
i don't know what will happen. but all i know is that, this time next week, i'll be done with him and either recovering poolside, or throwing up words, babbling like an idiot.
and i know that i'll be okay. but i also know that i'd rather be something either more extraordinairy than okay, or something very far from okay.
it's not like punishment.
it's just closure.
i just want this part to be over.
i want the ride to level off at the top. so that i never have to feel the fall, the drop. and so that i'm perpetually excited and happy.
and i don't want a boy to define my happiness. which is what was so great about dark sky. that was the purest, non boy related form of happiness i've felt in over a decade.
and i wish i could have more of that. and less of the heartbroken stuff.
maybe some day i won't care enough to feel so much, to invest so much into something that always inevitably dies on me. shows me the error of my ways, and teaches me a painful lesson.
i like to learn. maybe that is what this is about.
but at the end of the day today, different from yesterday, i can stare at my ceiling after two am. wide awake. wired. amped.
and today, i'm one step closer.
despite my 'no dating for six months' promise to myself, i have made a date. and though it's not under those pretenses, there is something to be said for the exception to the rule.
i've been thinking lately that one year might be the mark.
and wouldn't it be something to reach the one year mark at a star party in the keys...
denouement. june 20th.
so this is winding down.
i'm wiped OUT.
i went to bed at about three, if i had to guess. i was definitely awake at 230. but lights were out after that.
i woke up early. too early. went back to sleep. maybe it was 745. then i woke up at ten and drifted until almost eleven, i think.
i just didn't want to get up.
i had this dream that made me want to cry when i woke up. from that whole potluck thing. it was jay and ever and i was at the house, but i wasn't supposed to be. it was just bad. i woke up so sad.
but i shook it off, got up, and spaced out for a bit. the writer had written me a note, promising the photographs this week. and asked a question about how i was feeling as far as independence was concerned. so i wrote him back an almost novel. i gave him my address back home, if he sends them now, or to wait until i get back.
i hope he sends them when i'm home.
i cannot imagine how it would feel to be home and get mail there. and also, to be with kit and nina when they arrive. i'm really really excited to see them. i think they will fit right in with how i'm feeling lately. and make me see a different side of myself. a prettier side.
i'm still not convinced. i stare at myself in the mirror in the morning, when i wake up. and i think 'oh my god...i feel sorry for the next person who will have to look at this upon waking the morning after a sleepover.'
it's bad. man face. it makes me want to plan to set an alarm to wake up before him and put makeup on before he wakes up, after the puffiness goes away.
it reminds me of two things. my friend greg posted this article a bit ago. it was from a 1940s era (guessing) magazine. telling women proper bedroom etiquette. and that they should awake daily an hour ahead of their husbands to put on makeup, so as to not scare them or make them wake unpleasantly. it was full of little gems, like 'if you don't achieve pleasure during relations, just know that he was satisfied, and that's what really matters'. you know, awesomeness. i wish i could remember the rest. it was classic.
the other thing it makes me think is that i probably won't fall asleep the next time i am in bed next to a boy, so maybe it won't matter. if you don't fall asleep, you can be uglier upon waking, right?
after the letter to the writer, kit came over for a bit, and i organized my room. then she was inspired, so i follower her to her place and helped her clean and organize her place for a while, and spaced out on facebook over there.
until i pushed her to go to the gym with me. she used to be a personal trainer, and i know jack shit about working out. i told her i'd start calling her 'the punisher' if she'd start training me. i want to be stronger. not like muscle-bound. but the days of nearly killing two of my friends while moving need to be over.
and she kicked my ass at the gym. and it flew by, but i am already sore.
it's funny. i always thought i had a really strong stomach. i can do crunches, but haven't in months.
i did like six situps on the incline bench? roman bench? i don't know what it's called. but after that, i couldn't do a single one. not even flat on the floor. i was laughing, she was laughing. and i kept saying, 'my abs are broken' in her trademark little kid voice.
i've got some work to do, son. i was lifting my legs while i was on my back. that was better, but still hard for me. i am a weenie. a weakling. but i'm so determined to do well, so i know that i will. i just have to stick to it.
it was great. then she taught me free weights.
i was doing the lawnmower exercise, with bad form. and the treehugger exercise, with bad form. and then some over my head things that i was pretty good at.
i was tired and shaking. my lower back is really unhappy right now. i need to strengthen that up.
but it was a mad success. i am so glad that i'm sticking to my plan.
last night, we went to the bar. surprise, surprise. i cannot stay away from those things lately.
anyway, i had a salad and chicken fingers. and i ate one and a half of her french fries. they didn't taste as good as i wanted them to. like my taste buds had changed. or like i trained myself to think that they don't taste good.
i guess i ate at three today, finishing off my whole paycheck salad and eating a bunch of veggies a while before the gym.
and i had a couple baked tortilla chips with my favorite tapenade. and that didn't taste right either. it was so super salty. i ate like three chips and put them away.
i don't know what to make of it.
but i was relieved.
and tonight i made some incredible guacamole. the chunky kind. with lime and onion and garlic. and it is soooo good. and i had a few chips with that.
after eating a huge salad.
all this talk about food is making feel weird. but i'm just processing the fact that i'm sticking to the plan.
and maybe bragging? i hope not. i hate braggarts.
but seriously: killer bike ride. banana. breading on chicken. gym. a couple baked chips.
i must go to the gym. as long as i do it, i'll be fine. i hate that i'll go to work tomorrow tired. but i had such a wonderful and productive weekend that i am okay with it.
i feel like there was more to write about.
this is random, but my brother got engaged yesterday. he'd bought the ring and asked her dad months ago. and he finally popped the question yesterday morning. on a fishing trip. the ring was in the tackle box.
very cute, for him. he's kinda special. i honestly worry that marriage is for him, but i'm such a cynic now that it's not really fair to project it onto him. i guess he has been growing up since i've been away. and this girl puts up with his bullshit. and they've been together for a couple years, i guess. and they talk about it often.
anyway, she said yes. and it will be at least a year. so i'm glad for that.
i talked to dad for father's day today. and he was busy, as always, while he was on the phone. sometimes it is worse, and i feel like he only hears half of what i say. and then starts griping about everyone who sucks.
today was no different, only today he brought up ever and the divorce. and so i spent most of the call talking to him about that, because he wanted to. and told him that this wasn't how i wanted to have conversation on his day. but he kept talking.
whatever he wants, you know? it is his day.
then ever texted me, randomly. wanting to know my dad's number to call him.
wonder if he did, or if it was all just to look like a good guy.
found out tonite, talking to aubree, that he had also texted her and my mom. like i wouldn't text him back. what a douche.
so i have decided to mix my spring mix with the dark sky roadtrip mix. and it is fantastic. there wasn't enough on either to fill a list. but together? perfect. and saying as we listened to the spring mix on the way there, it works.
this owen song is so cute. it's so sad, but hilarious.
'where in the hell am i? and how did i get here - with one shoe? and which way to the nearest train? and sometimes, like every time she breathes, i embrace my routine.'
only problem is that half of the songs are only on my ipod, so i can't make cds of it yet. i guess i have a mini project for the week, so i can spread the love when i get home.
and then i think about coffee, and my brain rushes at a billion miles an hour. and my stomach drops uncontrollably, like a freefall for a second. and sometimes it lingers. like last night, looking at the dark sky info booklet from the park we went to. i just saw a list of meteor showers, and i thought of him. instantly sick for about five minutes.
but this is like watching sand through an hourglass. the days before are slowly disappearing, and pretty soon it will be the days during. and the days after.
i've been getting strange feedback lately, regarding that.
at work on friday, i was telling my coworker the incredibly abbreviated story. of coffee and december. and what my plans are, involving him, when i go home. and my other coworker came in for her shift, so then i really had to abbreviate it.
and the look on her face. it made me question myself.
she was just saying that if her girlfriend went to a drink with some girl who had some form of a history with her, she'd flip out. that she's a pretty jealous person, and that a couple times a year, they have to have a talk to put her mind at ease. and that she didn't think it was a good idea, because of his girlfriend.
to which i said, i don't know if he has a girlfriend. if he does, it's recent. and not too serious, as far as i can tell. because if it was, it would be kinda obvious. but his possibly two or three month girlfriend is not like her girlfriend of two years.
and i obviously don't have an agenda, if that is the case. i'm not planning anything inappropriate. i mean, if he is single, and i find my balls and kiss him, that's one thing. but if he has a girl, i would never even think of it. i kept telling them, 'i'm not a homewrecker. i'm not out for a relationship. i just want to ask a question, get my answer, and move on with my life.'
and then, today, i told my sister. and she was like, 'doesn't he have a girlfriend?'
so i say the same things to her.
she thought i asked him in december. i did not. she also thought there was no reason for me to see him now, because she thought i'd asked him about the kiss in december. i didn't. i told her my shitty reasoning, too.
i just didn't want to ask, and not have another chance to see him before i flew back to ever and my shitty life. and i didn't ask. and he didn't call, so it didn't matter.
and that is why it matters to me now.
i have got to move on. i have got to leave this there. and not pick it up again. and though it is a habit that is going to be hard to break, if anything happens other than a makeout session, i have got to deal with it. for once and for all. i've said that before. but i have to mean it. and all of you guys have to make me stick to it.
because i can't go on this way. i just have this feeling in my stomach, like right now. hearing a song we used to listen to. and i see a flash of him sitting next to me at dark sky in the fall. or hear a song and remember waking up next to him, snuggled into my velour shirt that i used to wear when i wanted him to want to sleep next to me. or imagine his face when i walk in to talk with travel scrabble in hand. and how huge my smile will be, and how tall i'll be walking. and how much i'll have to fake calm/cool/collected. and our heads sticking out of his bedroom window that fateful night of the alligator-egret question that brought it all to an end.
i just can't slow my brain. and until he brings it to a screeching halt, all i have is that gut feeling. that thing about, 'you're just too good for me to not be with me'.
and i hate that it's based off of something so ancient. which is why i'm bracing myself.
and the whole string of convictions about i live here, he lives there. i'm not looking for a one off, so no kind of arrangement could ever work. and i can't fathom that anything could happen to change that situation. i couldn't be that lucky. to have him say, 'you know... i kinda never stopped thinking about you.' he would NEVER. never ever say that.
and then, i think of that boy who called kit and professed his love for her.
i hate these little thoughts. the ones that fan the fire, until it is over and done with.
and i guess what i fear the most is him not having a girl. and me finding my balls and kissing him. and then having to sing 'chivalry' in its entirety. sobbing and meaning every single fucking word of that song.
that song is just so perfect. and i don't want to have to have lived every line of it. especially the one about 'i could tell in the way he did not kiss back'.
i'm almost packed. it's crazy. all my shorts and short sleeve shirts. all my bathing suits. only the best undies. and only the sexiest pushup bras. and nina's books from the writer. and this dress. i kept thinking, do i wear a dress or the skinny jeans and something nice on top? and the dress i have might just be perfect. i might not have to buy one. it's black with tiny white polka dots. which worked perfectly the last time i saw him, in jeans and a shirt that looked a lot like the dress.
and then, my mind wanders down that familiar path. where i think, 'if i wear a dress, that won't bode well if i spend the night sleeping next to him.' i mean, it's much easier to bare a belly in a shirt than in a dress. dear god. it would all be on display! oh, man. i crack myself up sometimes. but the 'haha' and 'lol' don't really translate in a blog.
god. i'm making myself sick of myself. as 'if i ever feel better' comes on.
thanks, phoenix. 'if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. you can give me your number. when it's all over, i'll you know.'
and in closing, i realized this weekend that it has been about five months since i had sex. maybe that explains my poor brain function.
and the ice cream truck is rolling down the street at ten pm. only in this city...
i'm wiped OUT.
i went to bed at about three, if i had to guess. i was definitely awake at 230. but lights were out after that.
i woke up early. too early. went back to sleep. maybe it was 745. then i woke up at ten and drifted until almost eleven, i think.
i just didn't want to get up.
i had this dream that made me want to cry when i woke up. from that whole potluck thing. it was jay and ever and i was at the house, but i wasn't supposed to be. it was just bad. i woke up so sad.
but i shook it off, got up, and spaced out for a bit. the writer had written me a note, promising the photographs this week. and asked a question about how i was feeling as far as independence was concerned. so i wrote him back an almost novel. i gave him my address back home, if he sends them now, or to wait until i get back.
i hope he sends them when i'm home.
i cannot imagine how it would feel to be home and get mail there. and also, to be with kit and nina when they arrive. i'm really really excited to see them. i think they will fit right in with how i'm feeling lately. and make me see a different side of myself. a prettier side.
i'm still not convinced. i stare at myself in the mirror in the morning, when i wake up. and i think 'oh my god...i feel sorry for the next person who will have to look at this upon waking the morning after a sleepover.'
it's bad. man face. it makes me want to plan to set an alarm to wake up before him and put makeup on before he wakes up, after the puffiness goes away.
it reminds me of two things. my friend greg posted this article a bit ago. it was from a 1940s era (guessing) magazine. telling women proper bedroom etiquette. and that they should awake daily an hour ahead of their husbands to put on makeup, so as to not scare them or make them wake unpleasantly. it was full of little gems, like 'if you don't achieve pleasure during relations, just know that he was satisfied, and that's what really matters'. you know, awesomeness. i wish i could remember the rest. it was classic.
the other thing it makes me think is that i probably won't fall asleep the next time i am in bed next to a boy, so maybe it won't matter. if you don't fall asleep, you can be uglier upon waking, right?
after the letter to the writer, kit came over for a bit, and i organized my room. then she was inspired, so i follower her to her place and helped her clean and organize her place for a while, and spaced out on facebook over there.
until i pushed her to go to the gym with me. she used to be a personal trainer, and i know jack shit about working out. i told her i'd start calling her 'the punisher' if she'd start training me. i want to be stronger. not like muscle-bound. but the days of nearly killing two of my friends while moving need to be over.
and she kicked my ass at the gym. and it flew by, but i am already sore.
it's funny. i always thought i had a really strong stomach. i can do crunches, but haven't in months.
i did like six situps on the incline bench? roman bench? i don't know what it's called. but after that, i couldn't do a single one. not even flat on the floor. i was laughing, she was laughing. and i kept saying, 'my abs are broken' in her trademark little kid voice.
i've got some work to do, son. i was lifting my legs while i was on my back. that was better, but still hard for me. i am a weenie. a weakling. but i'm so determined to do well, so i know that i will. i just have to stick to it.
it was great. then she taught me free weights.
i was doing the lawnmower exercise, with bad form. and the treehugger exercise, with bad form. and then some over my head things that i was pretty good at.
i was tired and shaking. my lower back is really unhappy right now. i need to strengthen that up.
but it was a mad success. i am so glad that i'm sticking to my plan.
last night, we went to the bar. surprise, surprise. i cannot stay away from those things lately.
anyway, i had a salad and chicken fingers. and i ate one and a half of her french fries. they didn't taste as good as i wanted them to. like my taste buds had changed. or like i trained myself to think that they don't taste good.
i guess i ate at three today, finishing off my whole paycheck salad and eating a bunch of veggies a while before the gym.
and i had a couple baked tortilla chips with my favorite tapenade. and that didn't taste right either. it was so super salty. i ate like three chips and put them away.
i don't know what to make of it.
but i was relieved.
and tonight i made some incredible guacamole. the chunky kind. with lime and onion and garlic. and it is soooo good. and i had a few chips with that.
after eating a huge salad.
all this talk about food is making feel weird. but i'm just processing the fact that i'm sticking to the plan.
and maybe bragging? i hope not. i hate braggarts.
but seriously: killer bike ride. banana. breading on chicken. gym. a couple baked chips.
i must go to the gym. as long as i do it, i'll be fine. i hate that i'll go to work tomorrow tired. but i had such a wonderful and productive weekend that i am okay with it.
i feel like there was more to write about.
this is random, but my brother got engaged yesterday. he'd bought the ring and asked her dad months ago. and he finally popped the question yesterday morning. on a fishing trip. the ring was in the tackle box.
very cute, for him. he's kinda special. i honestly worry that marriage is for him, but i'm such a cynic now that it's not really fair to project it onto him. i guess he has been growing up since i've been away. and this girl puts up with his bullshit. and they've been together for a couple years, i guess. and they talk about it often.
anyway, she said yes. and it will be at least a year. so i'm glad for that.
i talked to dad for father's day today. and he was busy, as always, while he was on the phone. sometimes it is worse, and i feel like he only hears half of what i say. and then starts griping about everyone who sucks.
today was no different, only today he brought up ever and the divorce. and so i spent most of the call talking to him about that, because he wanted to. and told him that this wasn't how i wanted to have conversation on his day. but he kept talking.
whatever he wants, you know? it is his day.
then ever texted me, randomly. wanting to know my dad's number to call him.
wonder if he did, or if it was all just to look like a good guy.
found out tonite, talking to aubree, that he had also texted her and my mom. like i wouldn't text him back. what a douche.
so i have decided to mix my spring mix with the dark sky roadtrip mix. and it is fantastic. there wasn't enough on either to fill a list. but together? perfect. and saying as we listened to the spring mix on the way there, it works.
this owen song is so cute. it's so sad, but hilarious.
'where in the hell am i? and how did i get here - with one shoe? and which way to the nearest train? and sometimes, like every time she breathes, i embrace my routine.'
only problem is that half of the songs are only on my ipod, so i can't make cds of it yet. i guess i have a mini project for the week, so i can spread the love when i get home.
and then i think about coffee, and my brain rushes at a billion miles an hour. and my stomach drops uncontrollably, like a freefall for a second. and sometimes it lingers. like last night, looking at the dark sky info booklet from the park we went to. i just saw a list of meteor showers, and i thought of him. instantly sick for about five minutes.
but this is like watching sand through an hourglass. the days before are slowly disappearing, and pretty soon it will be the days during. and the days after.
i've been getting strange feedback lately, regarding that.
at work on friday, i was telling my coworker the incredibly abbreviated story. of coffee and december. and what my plans are, involving him, when i go home. and my other coworker came in for her shift, so then i really had to abbreviate it.
and the look on her face. it made me question myself.
she was just saying that if her girlfriend went to a drink with some girl who had some form of a history with her, she'd flip out. that she's a pretty jealous person, and that a couple times a year, they have to have a talk to put her mind at ease. and that she didn't think it was a good idea, because of his girlfriend.
to which i said, i don't know if he has a girlfriend. if he does, it's recent. and not too serious, as far as i can tell. because if it was, it would be kinda obvious. but his possibly two or three month girlfriend is not like her girlfriend of two years.
and i obviously don't have an agenda, if that is the case. i'm not planning anything inappropriate. i mean, if he is single, and i find my balls and kiss him, that's one thing. but if he has a girl, i would never even think of it. i kept telling them, 'i'm not a homewrecker. i'm not out for a relationship. i just want to ask a question, get my answer, and move on with my life.'
and then, today, i told my sister. and she was like, 'doesn't he have a girlfriend?'
so i say the same things to her.
she thought i asked him in december. i did not. she also thought there was no reason for me to see him now, because she thought i'd asked him about the kiss in december. i didn't. i told her my shitty reasoning, too.
i just didn't want to ask, and not have another chance to see him before i flew back to ever and my shitty life. and i didn't ask. and he didn't call, so it didn't matter.
and that is why it matters to me now.
i have got to move on. i have got to leave this there. and not pick it up again. and though it is a habit that is going to be hard to break, if anything happens other than a makeout session, i have got to deal with it. for once and for all. i've said that before. but i have to mean it. and all of you guys have to make me stick to it.
because i can't go on this way. i just have this feeling in my stomach, like right now. hearing a song we used to listen to. and i see a flash of him sitting next to me at dark sky in the fall. or hear a song and remember waking up next to him, snuggled into my velour shirt that i used to wear when i wanted him to want to sleep next to me. or imagine his face when i walk in to talk with travel scrabble in hand. and how huge my smile will be, and how tall i'll be walking. and how much i'll have to fake calm/cool/collected. and our heads sticking out of his bedroom window that fateful night of the alligator-egret question that brought it all to an end.
i just can't slow my brain. and until he brings it to a screeching halt, all i have is that gut feeling. that thing about, 'you're just too good for me to not be with me'.
and i hate that it's based off of something so ancient. which is why i'm bracing myself.
and the whole string of convictions about i live here, he lives there. i'm not looking for a one off, so no kind of arrangement could ever work. and i can't fathom that anything could happen to change that situation. i couldn't be that lucky. to have him say, 'you know... i kinda never stopped thinking about you.' he would NEVER. never ever say that.
and then, i think of that boy who called kit and professed his love for her.
i hate these little thoughts. the ones that fan the fire, until it is over and done with.
and i guess what i fear the most is him not having a girl. and me finding my balls and kissing him. and then having to sing 'chivalry' in its entirety. sobbing and meaning every single fucking word of that song.
that song is just so perfect. and i don't want to have to have lived every line of it. especially the one about 'i could tell in the way he did not kiss back'.
i'm almost packed. it's crazy. all my shorts and short sleeve shirts. all my bathing suits. only the best undies. and only the sexiest pushup bras. and nina's books from the writer. and this dress. i kept thinking, do i wear a dress or the skinny jeans and something nice on top? and the dress i have might just be perfect. i might not have to buy one. it's black with tiny white polka dots. which worked perfectly the last time i saw him, in jeans and a shirt that looked a lot like the dress.
and then, my mind wanders down that familiar path. where i think, 'if i wear a dress, that won't bode well if i spend the night sleeping next to him.' i mean, it's much easier to bare a belly in a shirt than in a dress. dear god. it would all be on display! oh, man. i crack myself up sometimes. but the 'haha' and 'lol' don't really translate in a blog.
god. i'm making myself sick of myself. as 'if i ever feel better' comes on.
thanks, phoenix. 'if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. you can give me your number. when it's all over, i'll you know.'
and in closing, i realized this weekend that it has been about five months since i had sex. maybe that explains my poor brain function.
and the ice cream truck is rolling down the street at ten pm. only in this city...
climax. june 19th.
well, there's a lot to say...
no shortage of words here.
i think i'll start with the fresh wound, and work my way backwards.
because it's always better to get the shit out of the way first, then top it off with a lot of good.
so i just hopped onto facebook. and saw sixty pictures taken at my house on thursday night.
for the potluck i was not invited to. with a lot of the friends he won in the divorce in the backround.
it made my stomach hurt. it almost made me cry.
three bands i would have loved to have seen, and one solo artist i have yet to see, that i would kill for. who is one of the lesbians who would kick my fucking ass if i ever tried to see.
this is what i miss from my old life.
maybe it was a fundraiser. maybe this is why he dropped me as a friend.
it's hard, you know? to lose this part of my life.
fuck ever. i just miss that stuff.
so he wins. sigh...
he probably took extra pleasure knowing that i would see it. because i sent him an email yesterday. it read a lot like this:
i was hoping to hear from you about the questions i asked earlier this week.
i'm going next week to file the uncontested divorce order, and want to settle all the details with you beforehand, so that there are no surprises and no issues when it comes to you in the mail.
this lawyer seems to think that mediation shouldn't be necessary if you and i agree on all terms.
i'm paying him $500 to file the order for me.
i intend to leave the business out of the agreement, but in exchange, i want you to put in writing what you agree to about the house, so that we are on the same page.
based on the discussions we've had, the items to include are:
responsibility for financial obligations and maintenance on the property in exchange for my name and social security number staying on the mortgage, and not listing the house ahead of schedule.
our lease agreement: that i will be notified of, and have the option to sign, any and all lease changes.
rental income arrangement: how much you agree to pay to me of what you receive in rent. you had previously mentioned $500 a month.
that i will stay on the mortgage for two years, when the house goes on the market if you are unable to buy the house by that time.
repayment of credit card debt in the amount of $10k, to be taken from the equity when the house is sold.
repayment to my parents of the $30k they put into the house and down payment, taken from the equity when the house is sold.
a 50/50 split of the amount left over from the sale, between you and i.
anything else you want to make a condition, feel free to add it so that we can discuss it.
if you are able, it would be best to have this over the weekend, so that i can go to the lawyer's office before i go out of town on friday.
and if you have a better idea than this, please let me know. this is the best i've found in the time i've spent looking these past couple weeks since we talked.
tea
so there. i was really angry when i wrote that. and exhausted. it was very cut and dry. straight and to the point.
i'm making my appointment, hopefully for monday or tuesday.
and when i go, if i haven't heard from him, i'll probably adjust a couple things. like the length of time he has to buy me out. and maybe something else, too. like the business end of things.
we will see.
wonder which person in the pictures is the paralegal. maybe he was the one holding the pipe, smoking weed? yeah. nice.
okay. that out of my system. it only took a tiny bit of wind out of my sails from the day i have had today.
today, i biked the path with kit. it was incredible. we rode so happily for a long time. almost got to the halfway point, where we were going to have some water and recharge, before finishing up the path and coming back.
and then, her tire popped. and it put a small damper on the speed with which we were moving, but i still had fun. and though she wasn't planning to spend $25 on her bike today, she seemed to be pretty excited despite it. plus, the boy who fixed it showed her how, in case it happens again.
then we rode back to the place she bought it, had them tune it up, and we grabbed lunch at whole paycheck (whole foods buffet-style bar).
we were too hungry, and i hate spending so much money there, but the lunch was exactly what i needed to feel great.
i had a banana today. and that mammoth salad, with only chickpeas and edamame to throw off the diet. but i guess i should mention that i'm done with the diet. i still need to avoid beer until home, but i reached my goal, and i'm really proud of myself, and now i can eat healthy things like fruit and beans.
i still can't go wild with popcorn and chips and everything else i'm dying for, like ice cream, but i am going to try to be this healthy until i get back.
and then, the battle will begin again.
speaking of going home...
so when i got back from the ride, i cleaned the apartment top to bottom in preparation for nina coming back with me. i had to clean slate it today, so that on friday, i can just do a couple things before getting on the plane. i am so fucking EXCITED.
ugh.
ok.
so i set up that scrabble game with coffee days ago. and i was carefully timing it, playing only one word a day, and having a conversation with him in scrabble chat at the same time. i needed the game to last long enough to set myself up to ask him out for a drink when i get there. and i also intend to let him win this one, i think. we will see. i have stats to uphold.
but, he set me up. and i fucking ran with it.
it is done, in my eyes. i brushed my hands, and patted myself on the back. bragged to kit and nina and nate. and now i wait.
basically, he was talking trash. i called him on it. he called me miss tea, which makes me wonder if he noticed the name change. and said he always talks trash. to which i said that i think he needs to back up those words when i'm home in a week, and that we'll see who wins. mano a mano.
which almost read, mano y mano, because that's how i've always said it. thinking it meant man against man, despite two semesters of spanish in college. luckily, kit corrected me before i sent it (i needed encouragement. i was scared...). because mano y mano means 'hand and hand'. although this is more the sentiment i want to experience, hand to hand is the way the saying goes.
maybe all of this had to happen today because of the dream i had last night. maybe it was the exhilaration of nutritious carbs following a killer bike ride.
the dream was fantastic. he was in it. duh. and he was being very cute with me. we were with a bunch of people, i think my family, other friends that i don't know.
and he kept brushing my neck with his nose and smelling me. over and over. and telling me how good i smelled. and kissing my neck. oh. mah. gawd.
and smelling my hair. and touching me. and eventually, touching me. and then i woke up with a coffee headache of all coffee headaches. somehow i forgot to premedicate last night, when i knew i was sleeping in as long as my head would let me.
because when you work in coffee, and wake up retarded early five days a week, and feed yourself coffee by eight every day, sometimes earlier, your body thinks it needs it at that time on the weekend.
and let me tell you, it was just getting started when i woke up from that amazing dream. so i took motrin. and if i hadn't, when i got up at 1030, it would have been a migraine and the bike ride never would have happened.
and yes, i got a little sloppy last night. accidentally.
i had a drink alone for the first time. and what was awesome was that it was great. i went to the bar that i frequent. kit is on a first name basis with everyone there, because she has gone for the years that she lived in her old apartment. and i know their names, but they don't know my name yet, as far as i know. i'm new blood still.
anyways, i got a stoli and diet, and sat at a table and wrote in my journal for probably 45 minutes, nursing the drink.
and it felt just like old times. i kept expecting some random regular to come and light at my table, and strike up conversation. because that is what happened when i used to go to the coffee shop where coffee the boy worked. only no one did. and i was happy. and i was content. and i was writing so much my hand went numb today. but most importantly, i was COMFORTABLE.
i have all this anxiety about doing things alone. and though going to the bar isn't something i should necessarily be doing alone often, it's something i have only done one other time alone, and that time i freaked the fuck out.
it was right after i left ever, to celebrate finishing the novel. and it was awful. anxiety central.
but last night was great.
and then kit showed up. and that was fun, too.
we talked a while, she ordered a beer. and hated it and couldn't drink it. so after two stolis, i drank her beer.
note to self: mixing is baaaaaad.
i wasn't hammered, or dizzy, or sick. but i know for certain that i was fine before the beer. maybe only slightly more giggly.
and i was not so much, after.
in any case, i had a beer. i think my body was like, 'we MISS this shit! wheee!'
then i came home. alone, of course.
and had that dream.
i don't know. some nights, i think about intern. and most nights, i think about coffee. and daydream a little before falling asleep.
i really don't stray too far from that.
the other day, kit had a crisis. when we came back from dark sky, i had driven us, and we rolled into our neighborhood on literally the most insane day of the year.
there's this african heritage festival. the entire city flocks to our neighborhood. parking was a fucking disaster, i parked like four blocks from home. maybe five. really really bad.
but kit didn't need her car. so she didn't use it.
and then, on wednesday, after almost a week of not seeing it, she decided to check on it.
it was gone.
she called me in a panic. i unsuspectingly answered the phone, 'ooot oooooooot' in my usual chipper call.
and she said, 'my fucking car is GONE. my car is gone.'
it was awful. i told her to calm down so much that she wanted to hit me. i could see it flickering in her eyes.
i got my car from all those blocks away, and picked her up, thinking that she had just forgotten where she parked it, and that we could cover more ground by driving around the neighborhood.
i reminded her about the festival and that it probably got towed. that i wouldn't go home until she had her car back.
so she's on the phone with the parking authority, who had most likely towed it for the festival. i asked if she wanted me to just head to the impound lot, and she held her hand up to silence me, because a human got on the phone. as she's telling the woman her tag number, i pull up right next to her car.
i still don't know what kismet directed me straight to it. but in under five minutes, i had found it on the street, where they had towed it. for the festival.
i tell this story, because after she got the car back, i jumped in it to help her find a spot to park.
and we come to this stoplight a few blocks from my apartment. and there's this boy pulling up to the stoplight as our light turned green. and he was so cute.
i smiled at him, because i couldn't help it. and i turned to kit to alert her to the hottie while she made the turn. i looked back and he waved at me and smiled. i waved back and giggled like crazy.
it was awesome.
first time i can think of that i did that. flirted with random cutie driving his car. and actually waved. i'm such a chicken shit.
i hope i see him again. moptop blondie with nice eyes. and a fantastic smile. mmmm.
all of that drama, for three seconds' worth of flirty goodness.
i don't know. since dark sky, i feel like my life has been on track. every day has been productive and great. i'm happy. i feel good about myself because i have will power like nothing i've ever seen. and i hit my goal and feel ready for anything.
which is good, because i might need it in the next hour. or in the next week. or in the next two weeks.
i don't know. waiting for this response is going to kill me, most likely. if he says yes, i'll die. if he says no, i'll die inside.
and regardless, there are technicalities to work out and numbers to exchange, if he agrees to play in person.
i can downplay it, because i already have plans to play with another boy he knows, who i'm not at all interested in. say something about needing a more evenly matched game after jc mops the floor with me.
**update**
unexpected backfire: last thing i wrote after formally asking him was the mano line. so what does he respond? i ain't afraid of no manos.
now i try to think of the wittiest way to challenge him and tell him i'm holding him to it.
'well, you should be. (was that convincing? not much of a smack-talker)'
or the thing about the even keeled game? does it knock down his pride a bit to mention that he's the second person i'm asking, or downplay it so he's more open to it?
i hate my fucking brain.
now, i eat. and have a drink. and REGROUP.
to which nina says, 'rah rah rah' and 'you didn't mess anything up, it's lovely.'
no shortage of words here.
i think i'll start with the fresh wound, and work my way backwards.
because it's always better to get the shit out of the way first, then top it off with a lot of good.
so i just hopped onto facebook. and saw sixty pictures taken at my house on thursday night.
for the potluck i was not invited to. with a lot of the friends he won in the divorce in the backround.
it made my stomach hurt. it almost made me cry.
three bands i would have loved to have seen, and one solo artist i have yet to see, that i would kill for. who is one of the lesbians who would kick my fucking ass if i ever tried to see.
this is what i miss from my old life.
maybe it was a fundraiser. maybe this is why he dropped me as a friend.
it's hard, you know? to lose this part of my life.
fuck ever. i just miss that stuff.
so he wins. sigh...
he probably took extra pleasure knowing that i would see it. because i sent him an email yesterday. it read a lot like this:
i was hoping to hear from you about the questions i asked earlier this week.
i'm going next week to file the uncontested divorce order, and want to settle all the details with you beforehand, so that there are no surprises and no issues when it comes to you in the mail.
this lawyer seems to think that mediation shouldn't be necessary if you and i agree on all terms.
i'm paying him $500 to file the order for me.
i intend to leave the business out of the agreement, but in exchange, i want you to put in writing what you agree to about the house, so that we are on the same page.
based on the discussions we've had, the items to include are:
responsibility for financial obligations and maintenance on the property in exchange for my name and social security number staying on the mortgage, and not listing the house ahead of schedule.
our lease agreement: that i will be notified of, and have the option to sign, any and all lease changes.
rental income arrangement: how much you agree to pay to me of what you receive in rent. you had previously mentioned $500 a month.
that i will stay on the mortgage for two years, when the house goes on the market if you are unable to buy the house by that time.
repayment of credit card debt in the amount of $10k, to be taken from the equity when the house is sold.
repayment to my parents of the $30k they put into the house and down payment, taken from the equity when the house is sold.
a 50/50 split of the amount left over from the sale, between you and i.
anything else you want to make a condition, feel free to add it so that we can discuss it.
if you are able, it would be best to have this over the weekend, so that i can go to the lawyer's office before i go out of town on friday.
and if you have a better idea than this, please let me know. this is the best i've found in the time i've spent looking these past couple weeks since we talked.
tea
so there. i was really angry when i wrote that. and exhausted. it was very cut and dry. straight and to the point.
i'm making my appointment, hopefully for monday or tuesday.
and when i go, if i haven't heard from him, i'll probably adjust a couple things. like the length of time he has to buy me out. and maybe something else, too. like the business end of things.
we will see.
wonder which person in the pictures is the paralegal. maybe he was the one holding the pipe, smoking weed? yeah. nice.
okay. that out of my system. it only took a tiny bit of wind out of my sails from the day i have had today.
today, i biked the path with kit. it was incredible. we rode so happily for a long time. almost got to the halfway point, where we were going to have some water and recharge, before finishing up the path and coming back.
and then, her tire popped. and it put a small damper on the speed with which we were moving, but i still had fun. and though she wasn't planning to spend $25 on her bike today, she seemed to be pretty excited despite it. plus, the boy who fixed it showed her how, in case it happens again.
then we rode back to the place she bought it, had them tune it up, and we grabbed lunch at whole paycheck (whole foods buffet-style bar).
we were too hungry, and i hate spending so much money there, but the lunch was exactly what i needed to feel great.
i had a banana today. and that mammoth salad, with only chickpeas and edamame to throw off the diet. but i guess i should mention that i'm done with the diet. i still need to avoid beer until home, but i reached my goal, and i'm really proud of myself, and now i can eat healthy things like fruit and beans.
i still can't go wild with popcorn and chips and everything else i'm dying for, like ice cream, but i am going to try to be this healthy until i get back.
and then, the battle will begin again.
speaking of going home...
so when i got back from the ride, i cleaned the apartment top to bottom in preparation for nina coming back with me. i had to clean slate it today, so that on friday, i can just do a couple things before getting on the plane. i am so fucking EXCITED.
ugh.
ok.
so i set up that scrabble game with coffee days ago. and i was carefully timing it, playing only one word a day, and having a conversation with him in scrabble chat at the same time. i needed the game to last long enough to set myself up to ask him out for a drink when i get there. and i also intend to let him win this one, i think. we will see. i have stats to uphold.
but, he set me up. and i fucking ran with it.
it is done, in my eyes. i brushed my hands, and patted myself on the back. bragged to kit and nina and nate. and now i wait.
basically, he was talking trash. i called him on it. he called me miss tea, which makes me wonder if he noticed the name change. and said he always talks trash. to which i said that i think he needs to back up those words when i'm home in a week, and that we'll see who wins. mano a mano.
which almost read, mano y mano, because that's how i've always said it. thinking it meant man against man, despite two semesters of spanish in college. luckily, kit corrected me before i sent it (i needed encouragement. i was scared...). because mano y mano means 'hand and hand'. although this is more the sentiment i want to experience, hand to hand is the way the saying goes.
maybe all of this had to happen today because of the dream i had last night. maybe it was the exhilaration of nutritious carbs following a killer bike ride.
the dream was fantastic. he was in it. duh. and he was being very cute with me. we were with a bunch of people, i think my family, other friends that i don't know.
and he kept brushing my neck with his nose and smelling me. over and over. and telling me how good i smelled. and kissing my neck. oh. mah. gawd.
and smelling my hair. and touching me. and eventually, touching me. and then i woke up with a coffee headache of all coffee headaches. somehow i forgot to premedicate last night, when i knew i was sleeping in as long as my head would let me.
because when you work in coffee, and wake up retarded early five days a week, and feed yourself coffee by eight every day, sometimes earlier, your body thinks it needs it at that time on the weekend.
and let me tell you, it was just getting started when i woke up from that amazing dream. so i took motrin. and if i hadn't, when i got up at 1030, it would have been a migraine and the bike ride never would have happened.
and yes, i got a little sloppy last night. accidentally.
i had a drink alone for the first time. and what was awesome was that it was great. i went to the bar that i frequent. kit is on a first name basis with everyone there, because she has gone for the years that she lived in her old apartment. and i know their names, but they don't know my name yet, as far as i know. i'm new blood still.
anyways, i got a stoli and diet, and sat at a table and wrote in my journal for probably 45 minutes, nursing the drink.
and it felt just like old times. i kept expecting some random regular to come and light at my table, and strike up conversation. because that is what happened when i used to go to the coffee shop where coffee the boy worked. only no one did. and i was happy. and i was content. and i was writing so much my hand went numb today. but most importantly, i was COMFORTABLE.
i have all this anxiety about doing things alone. and though going to the bar isn't something i should necessarily be doing alone often, it's something i have only done one other time alone, and that time i freaked the fuck out.
it was right after i left ever, to celebrate finishing the novel. and it was awful. anxiety central.
but last night was great.
and then kit showed up. and that was fun, too.
we talked a while, she ordered a beer. and hated it and couldn't drink it. so after two stolis, i drank her beer.
note to self: mixing is baaaaaad.
i wasn't hammered, or dizzy, or sick. but i know for certain that i was fine before the beer. maybe only slightly more giggly.
and i was not so much, after.
in any case, i had a beer. i think my body was like, 'we MISS this shit! wheee!'
then i came home. alone, of course.
and had that dream.
i don't know. some nights, i think about intern. and most nights, i think about coffee. and daydream a little before falling asleep.
i really don't stray too far from that.
the other day, kit had a crisis. when we came back from dark sky, i had driven us, and we rolled into our neighborhood on literally the most insane day of the year.
there's this african heritage festival. the entire city flocks to our neighborhood. parking was a fucking disaster, i parked like four blocks from home. maybe five. really really bad.
but kit didn't need her car. so she didn't use it.
and then, on wednesday, after almost a week of not seeing it, she decided to check on it.
it was gone.
she called me in a panic. i unsuspectingly answered the phone, 'ooot oooooooot' in my usual chipper call.
and she said, 'my fucking car is GONE. my car is gone.'
it was awful. i told her to calm down so much that she wanted to hit me. i could see it flickering in her eyes.
i got my car from all those blocks away, and picked her up, thinking that she had just forgotten where she parked it, and that we could cover more ground by driving around the neighborhood.
i reminded her about the festival and that it probably got towed. that i wouldn't go home until she had her car back.
so she's on the phone with the parking authority, who had most likely towed it for the festival. i asked if she wanted me to just head to the impound lot, and she held her hand up to silence me, because a human got on the phone. as she's telling the woman her tag number, i pull up right next to her car.
i still don't know what kismet directed me straight to it. but in under five minutes, i had found it on the street, where they had towed it. for the festival.
i tell this story, because after she got the car back, i jumped in it to help her find a spot to park.
and we come to this stoplight a few blocks from my apartment. and there's this boy pulling up to the stoplight as our light turned green. and he was so cute.
i smiled at him, because i couldn't help it. and i turned to kit to alert her to the hottie while she made the turn. i looked back and he waved at me and smiled. i waved back and giggled like crazy.
it was awesome.
first time i can think of that i did that. flirted with random cutie driving his car. and actually waved. i'm such a chicken shit.
i hope i see him again. moptop blondie with nice eyes. and a fantastic smile. mmmm.
all of that drama, for three seconds' worth of flirty goodness.
i don't know. since dark sky, i feel like my life has been on track. every day has been productive and great. i'm happy. i feel good about myself because i have will power like nothing i've ever seen. and i hit my goal and feel ready for anything.
which is good, because i might need it in the next hour. or in the next week. or in the next two weeks.
i don't know. waiting for this response is going to kill me, most likely. if he says yes, i'll die. if he says no, i'll die inside.
and regardless, there are technicalities to work out and numbers to exchange, if he agrees to play in person.
i can downplay it, because i already have plans to play with another boy he knows, who i'm not at all interested in. say something about needing a more evenly matched game after jc mops the floor with me.
**update**
unexpected backfire: last thing i wrote after formally asking him was the mano line. so what does he respond? i ain't afraid of no manos.
now i try to think of the wittiest way to challenge him and tell him i'm holding him to it.
'well, you should be. (was that convincing? not much of a smack-talker)'
or the thing about the even keeled game? does it knock down his pride a bit to mention that he's the second person i'm asking, or downplay it so he's more open to it?
i hate my fucking brain.
now, i eat. and have a drink. and REGROUP.
to which nina says, 'rah rah rah' and 'you didn't mess anything up, it's lovely.'
dark sky park, part 2. june 15th.
i was too excited to sleep on thursday night, as i knew i would be.
i only got a few hours' worth of a nap and went to work on friday morning. i woke up at 530. it was awful.
i had a few things to load into the car, namely packing the cooler and taking my camera and overnight bag and packing that. kit had loaded mostly everything in the night before.
work was busy enough to keep my mind off of things, and then it was noon.
and then i was lugging ice to the cooler.
we left at 1251. we hit traffic about ten minutes in, if that. it was awful. parking lot on the interstate.
about thirty minutes later, we pulled off for gas and food and drinks.
and then we were really off.
we talked about our days and joked around.
every time kit would say something snippy (in a joking way) or catty (in a loving way), i'd point out her window and yell, 'OUT.'
so that became the first of many running jokes.
somehow, typing this now, it has lost all meaning. not to me, but i'm thinking that this entire narrative is going to be one of those 'you had to be there' things. because half of it was in the facial expressions.
we took the turnpike for a long time. from beginning to end, i think. i've only driven it one other time, and i never went that far north.
so we start the iphone pin dropping. and begin to make the journey well away from the city.
into the countryside, where cows and horses hang about on the side of the road.
we took a wrong turn, onto a road we were supposed to catch further down the line. but we didn't sweat it.
we should have. it was a rough road for maybe an hour, winding about through the biggest barns i've ever seen in my life. cattle ranches, pastures, it was unreal.
so we're winding and weaving, and have to make a pit stop. in a beer store that had a sign pointing to a restaurant. we never did find the alleged restaurant.
but we found the beer store. and they only sold things in cases of thirty, so kit peed. i asked the guy inside if he knew how far it was to the park we were going to. he didn't know. the guy behind me said his brother was there.
the guy behind him said, 'better'n an hour.'
so we got into the car. we'd thought we were much closer. but we weren't.
so we drove some more.
and what we ran into next was altogether different. it was a road that runs through miles upon miles of national park wilderness.
at one point, the road dipped down, and ahead of us was a wall of road that seemed to be at a 45 degree incline. kit was taking pictures of the forest out her window.
and then there was this blanket of purplish flowers. as far as the eye could see. it was brush. it was incredible.
forever, everywhere you looked. purple flowers and woodlands.
and then it happened.
i hit a squirrel.
i was only going maybe forty, tops. the road was so decayed that i had to drive down the middle, and only got onto my side of the road when i couldn't see over a hill in the road, in case of oncoming cars.
the thing ran right out in front of my car.
i hit the brakes, but didn't slam them, and when i looked in the rearview, it was spinning in a circle to a stop in the middle of the road.
i had to tell myself that i just knocked it out for a second, and that once i was over the hill, it got up, shook its head, and ran off into the woods.
i fought tears.
but then it was prettier, and we reached a sign that said we were at 2175 feet, and we were very very close. we stopped to take a picture and let miss b catch her breath.
there were entire portions of the drive, for ten minutes at the most, where i had the car in neutral coasting down mountain roads, riding the brakes. it reminded me of the drive to my grandparents' house, which probably has spans of ten to twenty minutes in neutral.
coming over a hill, i asked, 'is that a mirage?'
as i got closer, i saw that it was in fact tire tread. but kit cracked me up by saying, nonchalant, 'it's a dinosaur!' in a cute little kid voice.
and then we drove a bit further. and then we were there.
we pulled in and parked, and checked in. the old man was very sweet and very fixated on telling us all about the raffle on saturday. and about the extra tickets we could buy for it.
we scoped out the lay of the land.
it was a huge airfield. all grass. the astronomical field.
it was divided up into sections that were named. we realized on saturday that we were camping in orion. which has sentimental value to both kit and i.
so we looped around. found the food vendor tent, and the bathrooms. and then looked for a place to light. it was about 7 when we got there, i guess. it was packed. people had been there since tuesday or wednesday. the star party started on thursday, and we got in on friday night, so we didn't have too many choices.
right away, when i parked, this bitchy looking girl gave me a look. i asked her if i was in an okay spot as i took the tent out of the car to pitch it before the sun started to set.
she got into her lexus and said that we were in the way, and that we should move over.
this was the first interaction with the star people, and i was not impressed.
so then we start laying out the pieces. i've never pitched a tent before. but there were only stakes, poles, and the tent.
as we start piecing together the poles and checking out the size of the open tent, our 'backyard' neighbor came over.
he was an older guy. in his sixties, with white hair. he talked like he was half deaf, and said that we might have an easier time if we did it a different way.
star people interaction number two. and i'm thinking that this guy thinks that because we're girls, we can't pitch a tent. and that, being a man, he needed to intervene and assist.
again, not impressed.
but i was wrong about him.
his name was guy. i kept thinking of his as being gus.
we got the tent set up, and made our 'beds' and set up our chair and tables.
we felt good, it was early. and it didn't take long to figure out that all of these people spent time in daylight tinkering with their telescopes for the big show after dark.
guy's buddy, dave, came over at some point to say hi. the two of them traveled from ohio for the party. they had huge separate tents, but otherwise were there together.
dave was sweet and adorable and also in his sixties with white hair. and i kept thinking of him as being named mike.
that's how dave and guy became gus and mike for the weekend.
we walked around the field, checking out people (and boys, of course) looking at telescopes and meeting super friendly star people who would have a conversation about just about anything.
there were the weird star people, who probably wear unicorn tee shirts in their day to day. scraggly men with crazy hair in ponytails. there were nerdy star people, who look like they push their glasses up the bridge of their noses a lot. there were normal people, like us. who have normal day jobs and normal families and normal lives in normal places. who escape to the forest to get away from the normalcy. there were retired people, and kids running around talking about galaxies in ways that i couldn't comprehend, who have been raised to know more than i do.
they were the star people. they were honest and nice and generous. no one was bitchy or territorial, which was a nice shift for me. everyone left everything laying around while they meandered. and it was safe to do so. it was pretty remarkable.
so the woman who told me to move my car was a damper. she was so loud and rude, mean and bitching at her kids and her husband. and she was wearing a clingy skirt and boob shirt. no one camps in shit like that. it really annoyed the piss out of me.
but she was on our bad side, and we hated her. we were guessing at what she did for a living, and feeling sorry for her husband. and i looked at her, between scrabble plays. we were talking about her in terms of 'it' so she wouldn't know. and kit hoped that she wasn't a schoolteacher, but thought she was in real estate. i thought she nailed it. found out much later that she was, in fact, a teacher. poor kids.
anyway, she was bitching up a storm and i looked at her a minute later. and she smiled at me. i probably scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, but looked away from kit and whispered, 'it smiled at me.' which caused a wave of laughter that didn't cease for a while.
and then, it wasn't long before the sun was below the horizon. camp came alive.
everyone was excited for the night ahead. people were training their telescopes on the rising planets, because they are visible before most other things.
we saw venus first.
and venus was kinda boring, honestly. it was super bright white.
next, dave got saturn in his telescope, and the first of many 'hey, girl....s' was called to us.
he never attempted to learn our names, which made me feel less bad about referring to him as mike. and i guess he was old school enough to think it was okay to call any woman 'girl'. i grew to like it.
so we excitedly went over to where his scope was pointing up. kit let me go first.
and i stared with my mouth open. there were a lot of 'oh my god's throughout the course of the weekend. i like to romanticize this as being the first, but it might not have been.
i stared. i couldn't believe that i'd been waiting so long and was finally seeing it. i thought i'd cry, but i didn't. and i just thought that it's not that it's so brightly colored, or that you could see it to a scale bigger than a b.b. pellet, but that it was really out there. shining away in the night sky for part of the year. and that i'd probably seen it a hundred times, and just assumed that it was a star.
through the eyepiece, it just looked like a white dot with a white line through it. they were saying that in two years from now, its axis will make it so that we're looking at the top or bottom side of the planet, and that you can see the ring around the circle completely, with the gap between. and that you'll be able to see individual dust rings that make up what, from this angle, appears to be a skinny solid line.
it's going to be amazing. i promised kit that no matter where we are in our lives and where we are living, that we would reconvene on the dark sky park and see it in all its splendor.
so that was the first time i saw saturn. i am already forgetting details (i thought it was the first thing i saw, but it was actually after venus). but i think dave instructed me to go back to the loaner scope and find it.
so i did.
and THAT was when i truly lost it.
i looked to where i knew it was.
and found it. just sitting there, in space. with its little ring and two little moons. and tears came to my eyes, and my chin started to crumble.
i was laughing and smiling, but i was crying. i had to look away. it was just too awesome. literal sense of the word.
i let kit see, and she gave me a giggly 'awwww' at my crying, and rubbed my shoulder, which made me cry harder.
and i just kept repeating, 'i just can't believe it. i can't believe i can see it. i can't believe it.'
looking at my shoes, planted firmly on the viewing field grass. feeling like i had achieved some major goal in my life.
i saw saturn. i found saturn. i saw it again.
we must have looked at it several more times, but after that, the darkness started to cover the camp, and dave and guy were teaching us constellations.
kit knew a lot of them. stargazing was so far removed from my life that i had forgotten all but orion (which was not visible) and the big dipper.
turns out the big dipper is super important, so it was a good one to remember. but we learned what it pointed to and how you use it as the edge pieces in a giant puzzle to fill in the gaps and create the big picture.
something really cool happens at sunset. at star parties, it's a well known fact that white light destroys night vision. for this reason, all lights are covered in red shields.
imagine four hundred people with red flashlights dangling from their necks. actually, maybe only three hundred. the other hundred had red headlamps, like star spelunkers.
it was really neat. the bathrooms were well lit, all with red lights.
i've only ever been creeped out by red light and red light bulbs. and i've never had much experience in dark rooms to counteract that. but all of this red light was like a lifestyle choice, and i loved it.
i put red tissue paper over the lights inside my car, so we could dig and hunt for things in the night. we even had a little red lantern, lighting our table so we could play scrabble.
that first night was just magical.
at the same time, it was dizzying. vertigo-inducing. something about looking up while standing, for prolonged periods of time, really fucks with your equilibrium and vision. and i felt like i was shitty drunk, but hadn't had a sip to drink. we kept having to sit down and just lean back in the chairs to see the sky in general, because it was really overwhelming in the beginning.
around ten or so, it was completely dark on all sides. the beauty of this airfield was that it gives you a 360 degree view of the sky. there were tall pines, but they didn't block much from view.
when a meteor would soar overhead, you'd hear sighs and ooohs and aaaahs from all around, a random scattering of people who were lucky enough to see the same thing i saw at the exact same time.
and it was about that time that it became increasingly difficult to navigate your way through the sky. the big dipper stayed the easiest to find, but everything else was lost in star soup.
we learned about the summer triangle, what to look for near vega and deneb. much later, probably around two am, we learned about the teapot. and the clouds of the milky became less hazy and more clear.
kit had to explain to me what i was actually seeing, but it goes something like this:
our sun was behind us and under us, globally speaking. and we were looking out through the clouds of the milky way, toward other galaxies. it didn't look as defined as i thought that it would. they looked like normal clouds, only they didn't move. and though i didn't specifically do it, when you aim a telescope into the clouds, millions of other things are strewn throughout it.
later, much later, the teapot rose. the teapot is the top half or so of sagittarius. astronomers love the teapot, because there's a lot to see in it. globular clusters (billions of stars all in a tiny space. it looks like a little fuzzball, only some of the stars can be deciphered from the others. the tiniest pixels of light, condensed together).
and later still, maybe around three or a bit after, cassiopeia was high enough in the sky that she was pointing at andromeda. and somewhere in that vicinity, the andromeda galaxy. kit was fortunate enough to see it through binoculars. i couldn't make them work for me, enough to see something that made sense, so i saw it through a telescope.
an entire other galaxy. that is on a collision course with our very own. horrifying, and beautiful.
(to take a break here, and discuss life on other planets... to think that there are billions of galaxies out there, with sun-like stars and planets in orbit... i know that we cannot be alone. i just know it. it's statistics. i'm not saying they look like us and talk like us, or that we would ever even know they exist. but there has to be something like earth around something like our sun, hanging around space. living and breathing and eating and communicating.)
anyway, the collision is something like four billion years off, or something like that. so nothing to be afraid of. but it's still pretty amazing.
and there was the square of pegasus, which has the m31 globular cluster. and i want to say the swan nebula (it looks like a long stream of smoke, trailing through the sky), and also want to say the ring nebula, which the star people jokingly call the dirty donut.
there's a double star over there, too. one is blue and one is gold. and you can see them distinctly, and their colors are very real.
and then, around four am, people started crashing out. we decided it was time for a night cap. kit had a beer, i poured a coctail. and we sat, giddy and dazed, too excited for sleep. but entirely exhausted all the same.
we fell out around four thirty, if i had to guess. it took me a while. and, how i have work dreams about coffee shop life, i had dreams about stargazing. i was looking all over in my sleep, staring at the sky.
it poured overnight. i remember hearing it for about three seconds, but must have fallen back asleep, because i missed the rest of the rain. sleeping out in it must have lulled me into deep sleep.
the heat from our sun became unbearably hot in the tent around 730. and i had to pee too bad to sleep any longer, so i was up and about after a three or four hour long nap.
star people are funny during the day. they nod off during lectures, they sleep, they drink more coffee still (which is the approach we adopted). they sit in chairs under canopies and talk shop. they mill about other camps, and talk about their toys and things they saw the night before.
it's a sedated version of the camp at night.
everyone is exhausted.
there weren't showers (i didn't die, though i thought i was going to), but i'd come prepared to sponge bath, and i did. turns out that slightly soapy wet paper towels work quite nicely, and that baby wipes would probably be an invaluable commodity at a time like that.
got dressed for the day, and wandered around.
we hit two lectures, one was about the mythology surrounding the constellations and the stories and images of what people saw when they looked up at night.
it didn't really get to me as much as it blew kit's mind. she just tripped out on the fact that for thousands of years, humans were looking at the same things we were. naming them, creating stories to teach others about them.
i mean, it's crazy to me. but she was really lost in it for a while.
he shared native american stories, sumerian stories (who i was already really into), and of course greek and roman stories.
the second lecture was about the hubble space telescope.
it was pretty cool, the speaker was this guy from 'sky and telescope' magazine, which is the go to resource for all things amateur astronomy.
he was funny, not boring, and the images were spectacular. i knew some of what he was talking about, but not all.
then there was the raffle. we bought extra tickets, trying to win a pair of binoculars and i tried to win a beginner's toy set. but we didn't get lucky.
dave, however, won a fantastic eyepiece. when he won, kit and i cheered loudly.
we knew, selfishly, that because he won, we won. the view that night would be even more incredible. it was a really nice prize. it was the one thing he really really wanted.
it was great.
there was a mass exodus when they drew the last ticket for the last prize.
we knew, driving up there, that there was a chance we'd be leaving saturday to come back, because severe thunderstorms were headed right for us. and everyone was talking about how, even if it didn't rain, the cloud cover was supposed to be a totality, and that we wouldn't be able to see a thing.
so more than half, maybe two thirds, of the people left. maybe even more. it was a ghost town.
on the upside, it was more quiet, and less crowded. on the downside, two thirds of the other telescopes left with them.
still, it was great. and the monster telescope stayed, and dave and guy stayed.
after the raffle, they were still preaching impending doom and gloom, and shitty stargazing weather. but so far, the storm had blown around us. it sprinkled for only a minute. by the time we got under covering, it was over.
so we decided to stay.
and were rewarded.
that night, monster scope was pointed at saturn just after sunset.
what a show. it's not that it is bigger, but there is this minute level of clarity you gain with a thirty two inch mirror.
when you climb the ten foot ladder to look in the eyepiece, what you see is this:
same bright ball that is saturn. maybe an extra moon that was too tiny to see before. but this is the clencher: you see the shadow of the ring on the planet itself.
the night before, it had just looked like a white light with a white line through it. in this scope, you could see clearly the planet and the ring, and the shadow. unbelievable.
it was supposed to be public night, where anyone can come and see things for free, through the scopes that are set up there.
and they canceled public night, due to the predicted storms.
only the storms never showed up.
the clouds did, however.
at this point in the trip, the cooler had grown funky. the ice was soupy and barely frozen at all. there were bugs and grass and dirt and food bits floating around in it. two cucumbers had sunk to the bottom, surrounded by cream and bacon and sausage and atkins shakes and atkins bars, which were floating in baggies. there were five beers left, and i had my stoli vanil and diet coke in there, too. i got a cup of ice from the food stand to take back and reserve; half for my coffee, the other half for my cocktail.
it was early the second night when we grabbed first drink, maybe around eight during the sunset. we weren't expecting to see anything, but were hopeful anyways. i got a beer for kit, and poured myself a drink.
kit looked at me in horror as i took a big sip off the top, and asked,
'where did you get that ice???'
we were in hysterics for a while after that. she thought i'd drained it from the soupy cooler, forgetting i'd saved coffee ice for drink ice. it was hilarious.
word to the wise: beer is not allowed in state parks.
i can't say that we found this out the hard way, but as we sat with our drinks, we offered dave and guy a beer, and when they declined, kit shouted to all of our helpful and generous neighbors 'we have beers if anyone wants one!'
guy came running over, saying something about he thought we were bullshitting him, not to announce it, because alcohol is strictly forbidden in state parks, and if they caught us, we'd be kicked out.
it put a little damper on things, but only for a minute. no one accepted, and we went back to oblivious drinks, waiting for a sky show.
we couldn't see anything until about nine. and by midnight, the coach had turned back into a pumpkin, and a hush fell over the field. everyone was calling it a night and going to bed.
there was talk of sucker holes, which are breaks in the clouds that let you catch a glimpse of something. but by the time you line up to get a better view, the clouds have moved. so you can never quite catch what it is that you're chasing.
after two days, they still didn't know our names, and dave kept saying, 'hey, girl...s... do you wanna see (fill in the blank)?' he kept delaying that s, and addressing each of us as girl. still cute to me.
but then the clouds were thick, and there weren't even sucker holes. guy and dave went to bed early, and we let them put the loaner scope away.
kit wanted to go to sleep before i did. i was holding out hope, and putting off saying goodbye, i guess. it was around one when we called it a night. and i had the beer that broke the diet.
i'd been behaving so well. i mean, who goes camping and doesn't have smores and buns and chips and all kinds of other things that are delicious. they even had star shaped iced cookies for sale that i would have killed to just smell at close range.
i was so good, but having a farewell beer was necessary to me.
i thought it would help me fall asleep, too.
so we talked about our plan for the morning, about how tired we were. about how there was really nothing to see at that point. and about our plans for the future, involving star parties and the park we were in, deep in the allegheny mountains. we talked about how lucky we were, and how we couldn't believe the things that lined up to bring us there for the party.
i can't even remember now how i found it. i can't remember how i found out about dark sky parks in general. i think i looked into stargazing in our city, and found something in the burbs that linked to the park where the party was being held. and then figured out that, without a telescope there wasn't much point, and that if we came to the party, that would be best.
and from there, found that there were two: one in june, one in september. and impatience was only half of the equation for me. the other half was that i wanted the chance to go to the first one, so i'd know if i wanted to go to the second one.
i am so incredibly glad that i did.
i still can't believe it, honestly.
i will plug into things near us, but because of the city, i cannot imagine that stargazing here could be any good at all, whatsoever.
our other neighbor, chris, came over to talk to us. kit had guessed accurately that he was a scientist like she is. he did neuro-research, but gave it up to have a family. he was in his forties.
we were sitting around, he was counseling her on her life path, where she is in science right now, where she can go. he was encouraging her. and something that weighs heavily on kit's mind is a question that i popped.
she always wonders what type of person she will marry, ultimately. but for now, what type of man would keep her interested. she's had her time with crushing on musicians, and wishes that scientist men weren't such dicks all the time, because she thinks that two scientists make one scientist too many.
so i asked him what his wife did for a living. she was in ethics at the same college he was in. so she most likely sits on review boards.
it was an interesting answer, and i didn't think to discuss it with kit after. but we both kindof nodded, like 'hmm... very interesting.'
so then we were joking around. all these lightning bugs were appearing that night. all three of us were smoking, and one came close to the cherry on my cigarette. keep in mind, it's pitch black. none of us can see each other. just little red lights going from mouth to resting place on elbow triangles planted on thighs.
chris was saying that it was probably trying to find its mate in my cigarette and said, 'that's going to end badly'.
to which kit said, 'feels like burning' in that cute high pitched kid voice.
to which i replied, 'you might wanna get that checked out'
it was another of those moments where it takes a few minutes to stop laughing. we were trying to be quiet, because it was late enough for most people to be in their tents, attempting to sleep.
in any case, he called it a night. and farewell beer came and went. we took our trip to the bathroom, which was a ways away from our tent, comparatively, but not far at all, really. maybe one city block?
kit and i climbed into the tent, defeated. i was thinking, as i have at many times in my past, that i just wanted to see one more shooting star. actually, i was being greedy because the night before had been so loaded with them, and wished for two.
but the clouds. i didn't see one.
so i set myself up for sleep. earplugs, eye mask, ipod. but i had these two lines, swimming in my head. i got up to get the red flashlight to write them, and spotted the cardstock printouts guy had given us of the messier objects and the c objects (can't remember what that stands for now).
i wanted mine on the messier card, because it's like a to do list for me. they're the easier things to find, after stars and constellations.
so i wrote like four lines, that is all i had room for, around the border.
and then used the other card for a note to kit, for her birthday.
by the end of eight sentences, kit was out like a light.
and then i switched off my flashlight, and got all my gear back in place.
but couldn't let it go.
there was too much swimming in my head to sleep. and i know that when i get that feeling, i have to act on it. because when i read what i wrote the morning after, i'm always glad. half the time i don't remember writing it. it comes back to that 'i am a vessel' thing. sometimes i don't even know whose thoughts i am writing. but then remember, yep. those are mine...
so i sat up, immediately having to pee. i took my ipod and journal with me. we'd packed up the car before sleep, which turned out to be a very very good idea. so i unloaded the car of the chair. my hoodie with cigs and lighters and all that. i forgot my glasses in the tent, and didn't want to wake kit up, so i just sat out without them.
i'm pretty blind. i could only see a couple stars through clouds. but i was writing anyway, so i wasn't looking up at all.
in hindsight, besides my brain, maybe it was the beer that kept me up. all those carbs in my system after over a week without them surely shocked my body.
in any case, i ran to the bathroom, afraid i'd get lost going alone at night. i always tried to turn down the wrong path walking back, and kit would correct me everytime. it wasn't complicated or hard, but i didn't get it right until that one time. i was really relieved when i got back to my car and my tent and realized that i'd not gotten lost.
and then i sat. and i wrote. until about four. two hours of writing. with sigur ros in my ears. it was exactly what i'd been craving. and just like food, i didn't realize it until i felt the satisfaction when i finished it.
i felt calm and peaceful inside. i felt the weight of my exhaustion. i was on a total of seven hours of sleep at that point. i'd almost been up for 24 hours, for the second day in a row. everything felt very intense.
i said goodbye to the sky. i said goodbye to the park. i said goodbye to the party. i said thank you. and i went to sleep.
i'm going to have to stop here for the night, tonight.
the drive back was another story in itself. and it's getting late. i still haven't recovered from the lack of sleep this weekend, and don't want to feel any worse for the wear tomorrow.
i only got a few hours' worth of a nap and went to work on friday morning. i woke up at 530. it was awful.
i had a few things to load into the car, namely packing the cooler and taking my camera and overnight bag and packing that. kit had loaded mostly everything in the night before.
work was busy enough to keep my mind off of things, and then it was noon.
and then i was lugging ice to the cooler.
we left at 1251. we hit traffic about ten minutes in, if that. it was awful. parking lot on the interstate.
about thirty minutes later, we pulled off for gas and food and drinks.
and then we were really off.
we talked about our days and joked around.
every time kit would say something snippy (in a joking way) or catty (in a loving way), i'd point out her window and yell, 'OUT.'
so that became the first of many running jokes.
somehow, typing this now, it has lost all meaning. not to me, but i'm thinking that this entire narrative is going to be one of those 'you had to be there' things. because half of it was in the facial expressions.
we took the turnpike for a long time. from beginning to end, i think. i've only driven it one other time, and i never went that far north.
so we start the iphone pin dropping. and begin to make the journey well away from the city.
into the countryside, where cows and horses hang about on the side of the road.
we took a wrong turn, onto a road we were supposed to catch further down the line. but we didn't sweat it.
we should have. it was a rough road for maybe an hour, winding about through the biggest barns i've ever seen in my life. cattle ranches, pastures, it was unreal.
so we're winding and weaving, and have to make a pit stop. in a beer store that had a sign pointing to a restaurant. we never did find the alleged restaurant.
but we found the beer store. and they only sold things in cases of thirty, so kit peed. i asked the guy inside if he knew how far it was to the park we were going to. he didn't know. the guy behind me said his brother was there.
the guy behind him said, 'better'n an hour.'
so we got into the car. we'd thought we were much closer. but we weren't.
so we drove some more.
and what we ran into next was altogether different. it was a road that runs through miles upon miles of national park wilderness.
at one point, the road dipped down, and ahead of us was a wall of road that seemed to be at a 45 degree incline. kit was taking pictures of the forest out her window.
and then there was this blanket of purplish flowers. as far as the eye could see. it was brush. it was incredible.
forever, everywhere you looked. purple flowers and woodlands.
and then it happened.
i hit a squirrel.
i was only going maybe forty, tops. the road was so decayed that i had to drive down the middle, and only got onto my side of the road when i couldn't see over a hill in the road, in case of oncoming cars.
the thing ran right out in front of my car.
i hit the brakes, but didn't slam them, and when i looked in the rearview, it was spinning in a circle to a stop in the middle of the road.
i had to tell myself that i just knocked it out for a second, and that once i was over the hill, it got up, shook its head, and ran off into the woods.
i fought tears.
but then it was prettier, and we reached a sign that said we were at 2175 feet, and we were very very close. we stopped to take a picture and let miss b catch her breath.
there were entire portions of the drive, for ten minutes at the most, where i had the car in neutral coasting down mountain roads, riding the brakes. it reminded me of the drive to my grandparents' house, which probably has spans of ten to twenty minutes in neutral.
coming over a hill, i asked, 'is that a mirage?'
as i got closer, i saw that it was in fact tire tread. but kit cracked me up by saying, nonchalant, 'it's a dinosaur!' in a cute little kid voice.
and then we drove a bit further. and then we were there.
we pulled in and parked, and checked in. the old man was very sweet and very fixated on telling us all about the raffle on saturday. and about the extra tickets we could buy for it.
we scoped out the lay of the land.
it was a huge airfield. all grass. the astronomical field.
it was divided up into sections that were named. we realized on saturday that we were camping in orion. which has sentimental value to both kit and i.
so we looped around. found the food vendor tent, and the bathrooms. and then looked for a place to light. it was about 7 when we got there, i guess. it was packed. people had been there since tuesday or wednesday. the star party started on thursday, and we got in on friday night, so we didn't have too many choices.
right away, when i parked, this bitchy looking girl gave me a look. i asked her if i was in an okay spot as i took the tent out of the car to pitch it before the sun started to set.
she got into her lexus and said that we were in the way, and that we should move over.
this was the first interaction with the star people, and i was not impressed.
so then we start laying out the pieces. i've never pitched a tent before. but there were only stakes, poles, and the tent.
as we start piecing together the poles and checking out the size of the open tent, our 'backyard' neighbor came over.
he was an older guy. in his sixties, with white hair. he talked like he was half deaf, and said that we might have an easier time if we did it a different way.
star people interaction number two. and i'm thinking that this guy thinks that because we're girls, we can't pitch a tent. and that, being a man, he needed to intervene and assist.
again, not impressed.
but i was wrong about him.
his name was guy. i kept thinking of his as being gus.
we got the tent set up, and made our 'beds' and set up our chair and tables.
we felt good, it was early. and it didn't take long to figure out that all of these people spent time in daylight tinkering with their telescopes for the big show after dark.
guy's buddy, dave, came over at some point to say hi. the two of them traveled from ohio for the party. they had huge separate tents, but otherwise were there together.
dave was sweet and adorable and also in his sixties with white hair. and i kept thinking of him as being named mike.
that's how dave and guy became gus and mike for the weekend.
we walked around the field, checking out people (and boys, of course) looking at telescopes and meeting super friendly star people who would have a conversation about just about anything.
there were the weird star people, who probably wear unicorn tee shirts in their day to day. scraggly men with crazy hair in ponytails. there were nerdy star people, who look like they push their glasses up the bridge of their noses a lot. there were normal people, like us. who have normal day jobs and normal families and normal lives in normal places. who escape to the forest to get away from the normalcy. there were retired people, and kids running around talking about galaxies in ways that i couldn't comprehend, who have been raised to know more than i do.
they were the star people. they were honest and nice and generous. no one was bitchy or territorial, which was a nice shift for me. everyone left everything laying around while they meandered. and it was safe to do so. it was pretty remarkable.
so the woman who told me to move my car was a damper. she was so loud and rude, mean and bitching at her kids and her husband. and she was wearing a clingy skirt and boob shirt. no one camps in shit like that. it really annoyed the piss out of me.
but she was on our bad side, and we hated her. we were guessing at what she did for a living, and feeling sorry for her husband. and i looked at her, between scrabble plays. we were talking about her in terms of 'it' so she wouldn't know. and kit hoped that she wasn't a schoolteacher, but thought she was in real estate. i thought she nailed it. found out much later that she was, in fact, a teacher. poor kids.
anyway, she was bitching up a storm and i looked at her a minute later. and she smiled at me. i probably scrunched my eyebrows in confusion, but looked away from kit and whispered, 'it smiled at me.' which caused a wave of laughter that didn't cease for a while.
and then, it wasn't long before the sun was below the horizon. camp came alive.
everyone was excited for the night ahead. people were training their telescopes on the rising planets, because they are visible before most other things.
we saw venus first.
and venus was kinda boring, honestly. it was super bright white.
next, dave got saturn in his telescope, and the first of many 'hey, girl....s' was called to us.
he never attempted to learn our names, which made me feel less bad about referring to him as mike. and i guess he was old school enough to think it was okay to call any woman 'girl'. i grew to like it.
so we excitedly went over to where his scope was pointing up. kit let me go first.
and i stared with my mouth open. there were a lot of 'oh my god's throughout the course of the weekend. i like to romanticize this as being the first, but it might not have been.
i stared. i couldn't believe that i'd been waiting so long and was finally seeing it. i thought i'd cry, but i didn't. and i just thought that it's not that it's so brightly colored, or that you could see it to a scale bigger than a b.b. pellet, but that it was really out there. shining away in the night sky for part of the year. and that i'd probably seen it a hundred times, and just assumed that it was a star.
through the eyepiece, it just looked like a white dot with a white line through it. they were saying that in two years from now, its axis will make it so that we're looking at the top or bottom side of the planet, and that you can see the ring around the circle completely, with the gap between. and that you'll be able to see individual dust rings that make up what, from this angle, appears to be a skinny solid line.
it's going to be amazing. i promised kit that no matter where we are in our lives and where we are living, that we would reconvene on the dark sky park and see it in all its splendor.
so that was the first time i saw saturn. i am already forgetting details (i thought it was the first thing i saw, but it was actually after venus). but i think dave instructed me to go back to the loaner scope and find it.
so i did.
and THAT was when i truly lost it.
i looked to where i knew it was.
and found it. just sitting there, in space. with its little ring and two little moons. and tears came to my eyes, and my chin started to crumble.
i was laughing and smiling, but i was crying. i had to look away. it was just too awesome. literal sense of the word.
i let kit see, and she gave me a giggly 'awwww' at my crying, and rubbed my shoulder, which made me cry harder.
and i just kept repeating, 'i just can't believe it. i can't believe i can see it. i can't believe it.'
looking at my shoes, planted firmly on the viewing field grass. feeling like i had achieved some major goal in my life.
i saw saturn. i found saturn. i saw it again.
we must have looked at it several more times, but after that, the darkness started to cover the camp, and dave and guy were teaching us constellations.
kit knew a lot of them. stargazing was so far removed from my life that i had forgotten all but orion (which was not visible) and the big dipper.
turns out the big dipper is super important, so it was a good one to remember. but we learned what it pointed to and how you use it as the edge pieces in a giant puzzle to fill in the gaps and create the big picture.
something really cool happens at sunset. at star parties, it's a well known fact that white light destroys night vision. for this reason, all lights are covered in red shields.
imagine four hundred people with red flashlights dangling from their necks. actually, maybe only three hundred. the other hundred had red headlamps, like star spelunkers.
it was really neat. the bathrooms were well lit, all with red lights.
i've only ever been creeped out by red light and red light bulbs. and i've never had much experience in dark rooms to counteract that. but all of this red light was like a lifestyle choice, and i loved it.
i put red tissue paper over the lights inside my car, so we could dig and hunt for things in the night. we even had a little red lantern, lighting our table so we could play scrabble.
that first night was just magical.
at the same time, it was dizzying. vertigo-inducing. something about looking up while standing, for prolonged periods of time, really fucks with your equilibrium and vision. and i felt like i was shitty drunk, but hadn't had a sip to drink. we kept having to sit down and just lean back in the chairs to see the sky in general, because it was really overwhelming in the beginning.
around ten or so, it was completely dark on all sides. the beauty of this airfield was that it gives you a 360 degree view of the sky. there were tall pines, but they didn't block much from view.
when a meteor would soar overhead, you'd hear sighs and ooohs and aaaahs from all around, a random scattering of people who were lucky enough to see the same thing i saw at the exact same time.
and it was about that time that it became increasingly difficult to navigate your way through the sky. the big dipper stayed the easiest to find, but everything else was lost in star soup.
we learned about the summer triangle, what to look for near vega and deneb. much later, probably around two am, we learned about the teapot. and the clouds of the milky became less hazy and more clear.
kit had to explain to me what i was actually seeing, but it goes something like this:
our sun was behind us and under us, globally speaking. and we were looking out through the clouds of the milky way, toward other galaxies. it didn't look as defined as i thought that it would. they looked like normal clouds, only they didn't move. and though i didn't specifically do it, when you aim a telescope into the clouds, millions of other things are strewn throughout it.
later, much later, the teapot rose. the teapot is the top half or so of sagittarius. astronomers love the teapot, because there's a lot to see in it. globular clusters (billions of stars all in a tiny space. it looks like a little fuzzball, only some of the stars can be deciphered from the others. the tiniest pixels of light, condensed together).
and later still, maybe around three or a bit after, cassiopeia was high enough in the sky that she was pointing at andromeda. and somewhere in that vicinity, the andromeda galaxy. kit was fortunate enough to see it through binoculars. i couldn't make them work for me, enough to see something that made sense, so i saw it through a telescope.
an entire other galaxy. that is on a collision course with our very own. horrifying, and beautiful.
(to take a break here, and discuss life on other planets... to think that there are billions of galaxies out there, with sun-like stars and planets in orbit... i know that we cannot be alone. i just know it. it's statistics. i'm not saying they look like us and talk like us, or that we would ever even know they exist. but there has to be something like earth around something like our sun, hanging around space. living and breathing and eating and communicating.)
anyway, the collision is something like four billion years off, or something like that. so nothing to be afraid of. but it's still pretty amazing.
and there was the square of pegasus, which has the m31 globular cluster. and i want to say the swan nebula (it looks like a long stream of smoke, trailing through the sky), and also want to say the ring nebula, which the star people jokingly call the dirty donut.
there's a double star over there, too. one is blue and one is gold. and you can see them distinctly, and their colors are very real.
and then, around four am, people started crashing out. we decided it was time for a night cap. kit had a beer, i poured a coctail. and we sat, giddy and dazed, too excited for sleep. but entirely exhausted all the same.
we fell out around four thirty, if i had to guess. it took me a while. and, how i have work dreams about coffee shop life, i had dreams about stargazing. i was looking all over in my sleep, staring at the sky.
it poured overnight. i remember hearing it for about three seconds, but must have fallen back asleep, because i missed the rest of the rain. sleeping out in it must have lulled me into deep sleep.
the heat from our sun became unbearably hot in the tent around 730. and i had to pee too bad to sleep any longer, so i was up and about after a three or four hour long nap.
star people are funny during the day. they nod off during lectures, they sleep, they drink more coffee still (which is the approach we adopted). they sit in chairs under canopies and talk shop. they mill about other camps, and talk about their toys and things they saw the night before.
it's a sedated version of the camp at night.
everyone is exhausted.
there weren't showers (i didn't die, though i thought i was going to), but i'd come prepared to sponge bath, and i did. turns out that slightly soapy wet paper towels work quite nicely, and that baby wipes would probably be an invaluable commodity at a time like that.
got dressed for the day, and wandered around.
we hit two lectures, one was about the mythology surrounding the constellations and the stories and images of what people saw when they looked up at night.
it didn't really get to me as much as it blew kit's mind. she just tripped out on the fact that for thousands of years, humans were looking at the same things we were. naming them, creating stories to teach others about them.
i mean, it's crazy to me. but she was really lost in it for a while.
he shared native american stories, sumerian stories (who i was already really into), and of course greek and roman stories.
the second lecture was about the hubble space telescope.
it was pretty cool, the speaker was this guy from 'sky and telescope' magazine, which is the go to resource for all things amateur astronomy.
he was funny, not boring, and the images were spectacular. i knew some of what he was talking about, but not all.
then there was the raffle. we bought extra tickets, trying to win a pair of binoculars and i tried to win a beginner's toy set. but we didn't get lucky.
dave, however, won a fantastic eyepiece. when he won, kit and i cheered loudly.
we knew, selfishly, that because he won, we won. the view that night would be even more incredible. it was a really nice prize. it was the one thing he really really wanted.
it was great.
there was a mass exodus when they drew the last ticket for the last prize.
we knew, driving up there, that there was a chance we'd be leaving saturday to come back, because severe thunderstorms were headed right for us. and everyone was talking about how, even if it didn't rain, the cloud cover was supposed to be a totality, and that we wouldn't be able to see a thing.
so more than half, maybe two thirds, of the people left. maybe even more. it was a ghost town.
on the upside, it was more quiet, and less crowded. on the downside, two thirds of the other telescopes left with them.
still, it was great. and the monster telescope stayed, and dave and guy stayed.
after the raffle, they were still preaching impending doom and gloom, and shitty stargazing weather. but so far, the storm had blown around us. it sprinkled for only a minute. by the time we got under covering, it was over.
so we decided to stay.
and were rewarded.
that night, monster scope was pointed at saturn just after sunset.
what a show. it's not that it is bigger, but there is this minute level of clarity you gain with a thirty two inch mirror.
when you climb the ten foot ladder to look in the eyepiece, what you see is this:
same bright ball that is saturn. maybe an extra moon that was too tiny to see before. but this is the clencher: you see the shadow of the ring on the planet itself.
the night before, it had just looked like a white light with a white line through it. in this scope, you could see clearly the planet and the ring, and the shadow. unbelievable.
it was supposed to be public night, where anyone can come and see things for free, through the scopes that are set up there.
and they canceled public night, due to the predicted storms.
only the storms never showed up.
the clouds did, however.
at this point in the trip, the cooler had grown funky. the ice was soupy and barely frozen at all. there were bugs and grass and dirt and food bits floating around in it. two cucumbers had sunk to the bottom, surrounded by cream and bacon and sausage and atkins shakes and atkins bars, which were floating in baggies. there were five beers left, and i had my stoli vanil and diet coke in there, too. i got a cup of ice from the food stand to take back and reserve; half for my coffee, the other half for my cocktail.
it was early the second night when we grabbed first drink, maybe around eight during the sunset. we weren't expecting to see anything, but were hopeful anyways. i got a beer for kit, and poured myself a drink.
kit looked at me in horror as i took a big sip off the top, and asked,
'where did you get that ice???'
we were in hysterics for a while after that. she thought i'd drained it from the soupy cooler, forgetting i'd saved coffee ice for drink ice. it was hilarious.
word to the wise: beer is not allowed in state parks.
i can't say that we found this out the hard way, but as we sat with our drinks, we offered dave and guy a beer, and when they declined, kit shouted to all of our helpful and generous neighbors 'we have beers if anyone wants one!'
guy came running over, saying something about he thought we were bullshitting him, not to announce it, because alcohol is strictly forbidden in state parks, and if they caught us, we'd be kicked out.
it put a little damper on things, but only for a minute. no one accepted, and we went back to oblivious drinks, waiting for a sky show.
we couldn't see anything until about nine. and by midnight, the coach had turned back into a pumpkin, and a hush fell over the field. everyone was calling it a night and going to bed.
there was talk of sucker holes, which are breaks in the clouds that let you catch a glimpse of something. but by the time you line up to get a better view, the clouds have moved. so you can never quite catch what it is that you're chasing.
after two days, they still didn't know our names, and dave kept saying, 'hey, girl...s... do you wanna see (fill in the blank)?' he kept delaying that s, and addressing each of us as girl. still cute to me.
but then the clouds were thick, and there weren't even sucker holes. guy and dave went to bed early, and we let them put the loaner scope away.
kit wanted to go to sleep before i did. i was holding out hope, and putting off saying goodbye, i guess. it was around one when we called it a night. and i had the beer that broke the diet.
i'd been behaving so well. i mean, who goes camping and doesn't have smores and buns and chips and all kinds of other things that are delicious. they even had star shaped iced cookies for sale that i would have killed to just smell at close range.
i was so good, but having a farewell beer was necessary to me.
i thought it would help me fall asleep, too.
so we talked about our plan for the morning, about how tired we were. about how there was really nothing to see at that point. and about our plans for the future, involving star parties and the park we were in, deep in the allegheny mountains. we talked about how lucky we were, and how we couldn't believe the things that lined up to bring us there for the party.
i can't even remember now how i found it. i can't remember how i found out about dark sky parks in general. i think i looked into stargazing in our city, and found something in the burbs that linked to the park where the party was being held. and then figured out that, without a telescope there wasn't much point, and that if we came to the party, that would be best.
and from there, found that there were two: one in june, one in september. and impatience was only half of the equation for me. the other half was that i wanted the chance to go to the first one, so i'd know if i wanted to go to the second one.
i am so incredibly glad that i did.
i still can't believe it, honestly.
i will plug into things near us, but because of the city, i cannot imagine that stargazing here could be any good at all, whatsoever.
our other neighbor, chris, came over to talk to us. kit had guessed accurately that he was a scientist like she is. he did neuro-research, but gave it up to have a family. he was in his forties.
we were sitting around, he was counseling her on her life path, where she is in science right now, where she can go. he was encouraging her. and something that weighs heavily on kit's mind is a question that i popped.
she always wonders what type of person she will marry, ultimately. but for now, what type of man would keep her interested. she's had her time with crushing on musicians, and wishes that scientist men weren't such dicks all the time, because she thinks that two scientists make one scientist too many.
so i asked him what his wife did for a living. she was in ethics at the same college he was in. so she most likely sits on review boards.
it was an interesting answer, and i didn't think to discuss it with kit after. but we both kindof nodded, like 'hmm... very interesting.'
so then we were joking around. all these lightning bugs were appearing that night. all three of us were smoking, and one came close to the cherry on my cigarette. keep in mind, it's pitch black. none of us can see each other. just little red lights going from mouth to resting place on elbow triangles planted on thighs.
chris was saying that it was probably trying to find its mate in my cigarette and said, 'that's going to end badly'.
to which kit said, 'feels like burning' in that cute high pitched kid voice.
to which i replied, 'you might wanna get that checked out'
it was another of those moments where it takes a few minutes to stop laughing. we were trying to be quiet, because it was late enough for most people to be in their tents, attempting to sleep.
in any case, he called it a night. and farewell beer came and went. we took our trip to the bathroom, which was a ways away from our tent, comparatively, but not far at all, really. maybe one city block?
kit and i climbed into the tent, defeated. i was thinking, as i have at many times in my past, that i just wanted to see one more shooting star. actually, i was being greedy because the night before had been so loaded with them, and wished for two.
but the clouds. i didn't see one.
so i set myself up for sleep. earplugs, eye mask, ipod. but i had these two lines, swimming in my head. i got up to get the red flashlight to write them, and spotted the cardstock printouts guy had given us of the messier objects and the c objects (can't remember what that stands for now).
i wanted mine on the messier card, because it's like a to do list for me. they're the easier things to find, after stars and constellations.
so i wrote like four lines, that is all i had room for, around the border.
and then used the other card for a note to kit, for her birthday.
by the end of eight sentences, kit was out like a light.
and then i switched off my flashlight, and got all my gear back in place.
but couldn't let it go.
there was too much swimming in my head to sleep. and i know that when i get that feeling, i have to act on it. because when i read what i wrote the morning after, i'm always glad. half the time i don't remember writing it. it comes back to that 'i am a vessel' thing. sometimes i don't even know whose thoughts i am writing. but then remember, yep. those are mine...
so i sat up, immediately having to pee. i took my ipod and journal with me. we'd packed up the car before sleep, which turned out to be a very very good idea. so i unloaded the car of the chair. my hoodie with cigs and lighters and all that. i forgot my glasses in the tent, and didn't want to wake kit up, so i just sat out without them.
i'm pretty blind. i could only see a couple stars through clouds. but i was writing anyway, so i wasn't looking up at all.
in hindsight, besides my brain, maybe it was the beer that kept me up. all those carbs in my system after over a week without them surely shocked my body.
in any case, i ran to the bathroom, afraid i'd get lost going alone at night. i always tried to turn down the wrong path walking back, and kit would correct me everytime. it wasn't complicated or hard, but i didn't get it right until that one time. i was really relieved when i got back to my car and my tent and realized that i'd not gotten lost.
and then i sat. and i wrote. until about four. two hours of writing. with sigur ros in my ears. it was exactly what i'd been craving. and just like food, i didn't realize it until i felt the satisfaction when i finished it.
i felt calm and peaceful inside. i felt the weight of my exhaustion. i was on a total of seven hours of sleep at that point. i'd almost been up for 24 hours, for the second day in a row. everything felt very intense.
i said goodbye to the sky. i said goodbye to the park. i said goodbye to the party. i said thank you. and i went to sleep.
i'm going to have to stop here for the night, tonight.
the drive back was another story in itself. and it's getting late. i still haven't recovered from the lack of sleep this weekend, and don't want to feel any worse for the wear tomorrow.
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