it's been an interesting month.
a good month. a better month.
weekends now are something to look forward to. fridays are usually not dreaded. except with the driving and thinking parts.
getting on medication was probably one of the better decisions i've made in my life. i spend a lot of time thinking about all of my mistakes and regrets (i'm not very kind to myself), and it's nice to know that i finally got something right.
the first few days were definitely rough, but the first week was already an improvement, and the following weeks have been progressively better. i've lost a lot of sleep from waking up in the middle of the night, but i'm on day two of not taking ativan and being able to fall back asleep. i want to eliminate it completely, which is the goal, but the last time i got to day two, i woke up in the first panic since starting the medication. i'm changing the time i'm taking it on shrink's advice to not take it at night and see if i sleep better. it already seems to be working.
being at work so much was also a good choice. it's going to be nice next week when aubree is back and at work with me, i can take it easy and coast out of the gear i've been stuck in for a few weeks now.
laughing with pam and kim every day is good for me. and spending more time smiling at work than frowning/sad is a noticeable difference. a few people i'm around at work have even commented on it.
and my drive waking up from a several month slumber has made for interesting situations on a daily basis. i feel like i'm constantly sniffing out boys, and have taken back to daydreaming about intern and hoping for that encounter. i'm just thinking about how to accomplish the feat, and then how to seal the deal.
last weekend, i'd been on fb with him about a show we both wanted to go to that was sold out by time we decided to go.
he went on saturday while i was getting fancy, and he texted me a line from ween, from the show.
it made me blush and giggle, most likely entirely too excited by the fact that he randomly thought of me at the show, and because he bothered to text me. i cashed in on the text, spouting lines back and saying we should grab beers sometime. to which he said, 'yeah definitely'.
so there's that, in the back of my mind.
in the front of my mind, as per the usual, is that other boy.
i mostly talked about that at the shrink. why it's taking me so super long to let go and begin to get over it. because i'm still not. she attributes it to being secluded from friends for a while and not having the mental reserve and motivation to get over it. she thinks i'm just now at the beginning, because i'm just now feeling good in general.
the medication is doing what it's supposed to be doing: the highs aren't high, the lows aren't low, i'm not crying, and i'm not worrying. my thoughts are slower, so i can process them like normal people do (i think). and problems are manageable, instead of overwhelming.
but instead of beating myself up about the fact that i know he wouldn't make me happy and still want him back anyway (i cannot figure out why), and besides the fact that he stole my closure from me (can't figure that out either), she encouraged me to let myself be distracted by other boys and to not feel bad that i want someone next to me, short or long term. and to not worry that i'm not able to let go. that now is the time to start that process.
in other news, i finished 'six feet under'. i'd definitely not say that it was the best show i've ever seen. there were a few actors that i really didn't care for at all, throughout the series, some of the acting was pretty terrible.
but the last three episodes. the series finale? it's been stuck in my brain for days now. i keep thinking about the way they ended it, and have been wanting to rewatch it. it feels a little like saying good bye to friends or something - i guess that's a complement to character development.
and the last time i cried, it was watching that show. it felt good to cry about fiction, not reality. the end was so heartbreaking, and fitting.
anyway, now i can't stop listening to sia's 'breathe me'. one of the saddest songs i've heard in a long time. and hearing it makes the show's end play back in my brain.
* * *
riding my bike home yesterday, out of nowhere, i wanted to smoke weed.
i don't know where the idea came from, but i came home and took an apple off the kitchen counter, and hit it.
it was lovely. after a long week, all i wanted to do was drink endless beers. and it was 3 in the afternoon, so that wasn't going to happen.
i smoked. i sat. i drank an emergen-c, which was quite the experience. i sipped off the tart powder foam and giggled. i smoked a lot of cigarettes. too many cigarettes. i looked at the clouds. i smiled in the sun on another crisp afternoon that makes me wistful for fall weather.
and mike came home from work, and came into my room. he saw the apple, and i said i'd stolen it from him, and that he could smoke if he wanted to. and i told him i'd gotten stoned and had a nice afternoon. so he grabbed everything and talked me into going outside to smoke with him. we spent an hour outside, smoking and talking. and he started giggling like a girl.
it was silly. it was fun. he said he wanted my sister to smoke with us.
we discussed it. i can't be the reason she smokes for the first time. but i told him i wanted to smoke with her, too.
then we listened to music. and made snacks and talked in my room for a while.
it was a weird night staying in, but i'm glad that we hung out.
when we were good and stoned, i asked him if he'd quit the y and joined the jcc yet. he said no. i told him he needs to go ahead and join, and meet some nice single jewish boys, because i like jewish boys. and that he should bring them over so i can make out with them. he said that sounded like a lot of work, and that there was nothing in it for him.
this morning, i woke up early and made coffee after laying in bed for a solid hour thinking, and refusing to get up.
but once i did, i stuck to my word, and vacuumed the house from top to bottom. a few hours, spent most of that time on my knees on the stairs, cleaning the runners. there's still fur all in the carpet from ever's zoo and refusal to clean anything when he lived here. i have probably vacuumed them four times since i moved back in, and there's still fur lodged in there. but today, there's a lot less.
the runners look fantastic now, and it felt pretty awesome to clean everything in preparation for both aubree on tuesday and brownies on wednesday. i'm really very excited.
not to mention, it was beautifully cool and breezy, weatherwise, and all the windows were open, letting fresh air in. and sunlight.
and after two half-caff coffees, and cleaning the top two floors, i grabbed the apple and finished off what we'd started last night. and spent time listening to music in headphones and smoking in the sun. and drinking more emergen-c.
that's the problem with me and smoking.
once i start using that crutch, i don't really want to not use it.
like cigarettes, and blaming my writing for making me pick the habit back up again more than once, i blame headphones and beautiful weather for making me want to smoke weed more.
everything sounds better. i'm in my head all the time. headphones drown that noise out. even though things are so much quieter, i definitely have heady days, and today was one of them. cleaning and baking are meditative, always. and spending so much time cleaning with music today, i had a lot of time to think.
i knew i wanted to try to see alice this weekend. it's been like a month since we hung out. and after my trip to the shrink this week, she'd encouraged me to make an effort to see her, and to not be afraid to bring him up.
i guess i've been worried for a while that things ending with him, and the two of them being best friends, would mean that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. and i guess that as far as the shrink is concerned, any time spent thinking about that could be eliminated if i just hung out with her and saw that everything was okay. and that i'd feel even better about it if i brought him up and still saw that everything was okay.
and it was. and i do feel a lot better.
i didn't say a lot about him. but i asked if he was doing okay.
and she'd made a comment earlier in the night and followed it with 'but don't tell him i said that'. and i said, 'i haven't talked to him in two months, what would i possibly tell him, silly?'
she really didn't know. she didn't know what happened. and i didn't really tell her, just said that he dumped me and crushed me and broke my heart. she thought we'd just fizzled.
and i said that i'd tried to keep her out of it and not talk to her about it because i know they're tight, but that if he ever mentioned me, that i wouldn't mind if she encouraged him to do something about it.
i blame it on the two beers i had at the bar, watching the phils win the first division game.
i'm a lightweight now. and they had bells two hearted on draught, so i had a nice head start.
it felt good to take the phils back. the last game i watched was at his house. and the only game i went to this season was with him.
and watching them come back from behind to win with a bunch of drunk happy people was a nice distraction. i think that red october is going to be fun. the past couple years of phillies post season has been an exhausting hobby, but a super fun one that gets me out of the house and in bars with friends. it gives me something to cheer about.
i'll probably watch the games at home more than out, but i'm looking forward to it.
i'm just glad i got over the sense of dread, and sucked it up, and then really enjoyed myself.
and seeing alice made it even better.
man, i love pinback.
i'm going to try to moderate with the whole smoking thing. but man, it's hard. i enjoy feeling inspired. feeling a little more open minded. and wanting to make art. and to write. and wanting to listen to music in the dark, and really appreciate it.
it's better than being drunk and sad.
i can justify anything if i put my mind to it.