sleepless. july 30th, technically.

so i made it to the day of the week known as friday.

even though i'm some sleep away from feeling like it's friday.

it is friday.

and in thirteen hours, i'll have company.

i spent all night cleaning.

it's funny...i cleaned for nina. i cleaned for my family. but this was different.

this was hiding shit like the black dinosaur computer. hiding all those boxes i have had in my living room for months. organizing the bathroom shelves and putting things under the sink so they aren't just laying willy nilly around. cleaning mirrors. setting up a nightstand on his side of the bed. taking it one step further.

what's great is that the place now smells like swiffer. my place is at its personal best. which i only thought i'd achieved before. it's a grownup apartment.

what's not great is that i missed alice's birthday celebration to clean like a fucking maniac.

i've been at it since 8. seriously. finished at about 1230.

happy birthday, alice. i'm sorry. i'll make it up to you? somehow?

and in an effort to save my body for tomorrow, to be fully in the game, i will go to sleep tonight without self indulgence.

i've been practicing all week. and i am feeling ready.

i was writing in paper journal today at work. the thing is, i think i'll probably just be the one to shove him into my apartment, in an effort to not waste any time, and to not delay the inevitable. to have my hands on a MAN. yayse.

poor landlord. he's gonna get an earful. even if we're quiet, i cannot fathom it.

kit had a guess about chalk. she thinks he'll bring me flowers. she said she knows his type. and not to get excited about it, but if it is not flowers, it will be something. she wouldn't tell me her other guesses in an attempt to not overexcite me. i told her i'm already oversmiling.

i think it's cute. i'm not a flowery kinda girl, but that would be a lovely gesture.

i'm forcing her to meet him. at some point in the weekend. because she'll like him and they'll have a lot in common. i'll hold her to one drink, aat a minimum.

i hope he isn't bored with me, or that he doesn't think i'm as dumb as i feel. he reads a lot and is in the know about all things political and current events. and i do not, and am not. i'm going to try to keep it simple. and about him.

but maybe if we just don't talk too much, then it won't really matter.

this is hopefully the only thing i will paste from him.

when i woke up today, i'd had a strange dream about the ghost. it was nice, i was with him in the dream, like he was my boyfriend. but the end of the dream was strange. he had died, and i had this wig made of weave, with tracks of his hair in it.

i don't know why.

and tonight i was having this waking nightmare of ever showing up here this weekend. because of being served. he will have my address. walking up to us. and ringing to buzzer when we run for cover. guilt, maybe?

which makes me want to steal chalk away to a beach town, or someplace far away, all the more.

last night, i went to bed as soon as i got home from kit's. we had watched the phils kill the diamondbacks, and had simultaneous laptop time. i had been writing with chalk throughout the day, and wrote "what are you doing to pass the time until you leave? this shit is taking too long... i'm getting impatient. honestly, i don't think i came back from vacation mode yet. my body is here, but my mind is elsewhere."

kit's was a story in and of itself. she took a picture because it was that retarded.

i had come home from the pool and gotten a shower. and then gotten re-dressed and put on my shoes in the dark and walked over. when i got there, i kicked off my shoes. and we went out for a smoke a long time later, and i realized that i had one teal shoe and one violet. they're two different sizes, but i still didn't notice. i'm dumb.

so i woke up and was walking out the door for work at about 840. i checked my fb email, and at 835 he'd sent me this:

"I've been going out all week with friends. Its kept me occupied for the most part so I don't just sit and obsess over the weekend ALL the time. Just most of the time. But this time tomorrow I'll be sitting all ready to go, being irritated that I got ready too early and now I just have to sit and wait to leave the house so I don't arrive more than two hours before the flight. Can't wait til tomorrow..."

so i wrote him back and went to work a little later than i wanted, even though it was dead and didn't matter.

and then, two blocks from my place, i got caught in a downpour. said it was going to rain at noon. it was nine.

and the funniest thing was, i felt one drop. and looked up, not at the sky, but at power line level. because i couldn't figure out what could be dripping ahead of me.


that dumb.

then the bottom fell out, and i bailed off my bike and took cover under someone's second floor alcove window. it was like a florida storm. after a couple minutes it all but stopped, and i biked to work in the sprinkles.

then a cement truck passed me on the bridge, and splashed a big dirty puddle on my legs. thanks, cement truck.

i was only damp when i got to work, but my crocs had puddles in them. it was nasty. so i had to wash my feet and dry them out before work. gross.

and it never rained after that. thanks,, for that. bastards.

didn't matter. i was still giddy and bubbling over at work.

so it is with half of a brain that i will try to go about my business tomorrow. i feel dumbed down. and really unmotivated to do anything other than chalk.

there's this fantastic breeze in this early morning hour. a low of 70. a cooler weekend. a welcome break in the summer that has been florida-like and nearly unbearable.

hump day. july 28th.

t-minus 42 hours and counting.

is it friday yet? seriously...

i'm a lunatic. i can't shut up. chalk, chalk, chalk. he said this. i think this. blah, blah, blah.

and in between that, i am messaging him and scrabbling him and relentlessly flirting with him.

and putting the best lines in my blog to memorialize and share them.

like today. i finally beat him in scrabble. he's a formidable opponent. and somehow, i beat him.

so i sent him a note that said, 'i won. finally. happy hump day.'

and he said, 'happy because i get to see you in two days.'

see? sweet. and charming.

today at work, i told pam. all week, she's been commenting about how quiet and heady i've been, not to mention how spacey i am when it comes to work-related things. lauren, too.

but because lauren knows people ever does, even though i don't think she'd say anything, i told pam i'd tell her why, if she put it in the vault after lauren left.

so i told her. and she is excited for me. she used to have a buddy, and loved it. it worked for a year, until he started to have feelings for her.

she said that these things don't usually work out, because one person always develops feelings for the other. even if it takes years to happen. it always ends up that way. and ruins a good thing.

so i put that information away for later application.

but then, just thinking about that at work all day, i was completely flustered.

then kit came by to kill some time, so we talked.

i told him. i am still on mental vacation. my body is here, but my head is really not. if i wasn't at work, i'd just stay in bed all day. i think it would be detrimental to my health. but it sure would be nice. and really, my head is still on vacation, and even when i'm physically somewhere, like at work, my body is actually home in bed doing unmentionable things.

kit and i went to the pool today, and on our way home, we planned to make dinner together and have beer. but i said i'd probably be there in an hour, after i handle something.

and when she was starving and i wasn't there yet, i dropped her a line to say i was on my way soon. and she said she'd had the thought, 'that bitch. i bet she's masturbating.'

i think that almost as much as everything else, i just can't wait to make out again.

like last night, i really have nothing new to say. i just want it to be friday.

and i should say in advance, i won't be able to write until he leaves. so after tomorrow night, i'll be off the grid.

and out of my mind.

shrink. july 27th.

so this is the day that ever gets served. severed. severe.

and i keep hesitantly checking my email account that he uses to correspond with me. nothing.

which is fine by me.

i had to do something shitty to him today, passively. well, besides serving him divorce papers via certified mail.

i canceled his internet.

for the last three months, his internet bill has shown up to my apartment. every month he doesn't pay it.

and for the first two months, i was kind enough to tell him to pay it.

and to call and have the service put into his name.

maybe this is why i haven't heard from him yet.

because i called verizon today, when the bill i got reached $97. and told them the deal.

they canceled the account after seeing that i had moved the service.

and they wouldn't take his info to contact him. they just disconnected his service at the house.

pretty funny that he'll get something in snail mail. the tactile mail. and not be able to check or send the virtual variety.

and i refuse to feel bad about it, even though i started to. because he was warned. just like the divorce complaint, he was warned.

as for my day, i slept in, went to my shrink appointment. and on my way there, had a run-in with the landlord for our shop there. he asked if i had a minute, and i said no because i was late to my appointment. so he said kenna would fill me in.

my stomach dropped. this is not something good.

went to the shrink and called her as i left the office. they essentially terminated our contract. they got us to move into the spot they wanted us, which is causing us to hemorrhage money and lose money to operate. then yanked the rug out from under us. telling us now that there is no alternative and that we can either take it or leave it.

the fact that this schmuck has been lying to me all this time is really pissing me off. you don't start a construction project without plans. and you can't just wing it. which means that, when he gave us one days' notice to move our location, he knew that we would not be coming back.

the nerve.

and kenna's in seattle with her mother, so she can't even really process or focus on this problem.

and now what i assume will happen, is that the day chalk lands, i'm supposed to be shutting down a location, without so much as even telling all of our customers who have been there with our company for the last eighteen years.

maybe i knew. because i have been telling kenna for a year and a half now, if not longer, to close that store. instead, we stuck around so they could dick us around.

whatever. good riddance. that's what happens when a small town hospital ditches all the employees who have been around forever for new blood. new greedy blood. i don't know what they're doing with the space that was ours, but i'm sure it's a money-making scheme.

fuck em.

so that's over.

then i went to our office to tell them what had literally just happened. and shared with them my fear of job stability.

because if i lose my job right now, everything in my little world will change. i don't think kenna would do that to me. but at the same time, she's surprised me before and so i can't eliminate the possibility.

but before that adventure, i had my appointment.

it was interesting how i jumped around. i hadn't been since the beginning of may. so a lot has changed. two lawyers, filing, and ever getting served. so i covered that first.

and how i feel about not talking to him. which she says is fine. because he will either sign the paper or not. and i have no control over that. so try not to worry. and talking to him probably won't change the way he decides to handle it. and that it just stresses me out, so avoiding it isn't the worst idea.

then i talked about going home. brownies and coffee closure. all of it.

and my desire to move home.

and she asked why i want to. and after i gave her my laundry list of reasons, she said that she remembered the first time i came to see her. fresh from that december trip. and how sad i was about leaving there, and about how i didn't want to come back here. granted, that's because i didn't want to come back to ever. but regardless...

she said that it reminded her of that first visit, the way that i talked about home. and i told her my issues with moving home. the feeling of going back to something that i know. giving up on life here. that i've already done what there is to be done there. that i am giving myself lots of time to be sure. that real life won't be vacation life, but that having a town full of friends is much better than feeling like i have a town full of spies and enemies here, and only a couple friends to watch my back.

and she was as surprised as i was about coffee's girl showing up to our non-date when i was abbreviating that story for her. and interested in the way i talked about him being the only reason i'd move home, before this trip home. and how him telling me to come home lost its influence over me. and that i'd already kinda decided before he said it. and that, now, he has no bearing at all on my decision to go, because i realized when i was with him that i don't want a relationship with him. because i'd go insane.

and just before it was time to wrap up, i told her about making out with chalk while i was home. and how i felt during it. how i thought about coffee initially and how that made me feel. and how i ended up being totally into it physically and mentally. and how i struggled with my decision to not have sex with him when i was with him. and how i came back here wishing i had. and she was most surprised when i said that he was coming this weekend.

i was most interested in what she'd have to say about it.

and what she said was essentially, 'do it. and have fun.'

i let her know that i will be safe. and that i stopped the intern thing before it started because i know that he's the type i'd fall for. and how i think chalk is different from that, because that attraction is not there in the same way it is with intern.

and what she said is that it's okay to want the feelings i have right now, or physical needs, rather. in light of all the time i have gone without them, and without good sex, that it's okay to be ready for that with someone else. and all the good feelings that come along with that. and i told her that i also realized that i'm not allowed to date until valentine's day, because six months has absolutely not been enough alone time, and that maybe then, i'll still have to wait longer to let myself feel all those other lovey good feelings.

and furthermore, she said that it's okay to be excited about chalk, and to let it happen. to decide to let it happen. she commended me for taking time to think about it, not deciding in the moment that it was a good idea. and that the time i've spent thinking about it since then is a good indicator that i've thought it out and that i'm doing what is right for me.

it's funny. i've become shameless in a way.

i don't care anymore. before, i would have assumed that she'd judge me based on what i was telling her i was about to engage in. and now, i feel like i have to tell her everything so she can take the big picture into account when applying the little pictures of my life.

this is about to change me as a person. i am nearly positive it is about to create a sex crazed maniac, which makes me a little nervous.

but it's also uncharted territory for me, which i expressed to her. this is something i've never done. so, naturally, i'm a little skeptical. and nervous.

but all day, every day this week, i keep thinking about this weekend. and i can't wipe this smile off of my stupid face.

last night, in pre-visit flirting, we were chatting in fb scrabs about the visit. he said he can't live without coffee, and won't. which is pretty funny, nicknames and all. but since i'm the coffee lady, that part will be incredibly easy.

and other than that, he has no requests for his visit. i didn't tell him that i got him a present. well, twelve presents. he doesn't need to know ahead of time how much sex we could technically have, based on my own personal supply.

i wonder if i'll break my previous lifetime achievement of having sex twice in a day. i can take care of myself three times in a day, so i have a pretty good feeling that unless he's one of those tantric dudes, it could very well happen. or if i'll top the only one time i ever got off twice in the same go, back when i was all of 21.

i'm usually a quality not quantity kind of girl. but if the quality doesn't suffer, i'm not opposed for a record-breaking quantity kind of a weekend.

forty eight hours. i wonder what time his flight out is. i haven't asked yet. i figure it might be best to feel that out once he's here and we have one day under our belts. that way, if he booked a later flight and we're having a good time, we can milk it. and if it's awkward or less than awesome, i can just verify that he booked the early flight i requested, and he can occupy himself in the airport.

in chat, i told him to bring his swim trunks. i was at the community pool yesterday, and there were only a few other people there for adult swim. one was a couple, and the guy was carrying the girl in the water.

and it made me think. there is something about swimming pools that just totally turns me on. making out in a pool is like a fantasy come true. alice is having a pool party this weekend, and kit wants to go to adult swim with us this weekend.

but he came back with 'i don't have swimtrunks'. which explains a lot about him as a person, but also explains how it was that he was naked in my parents pool with nina and i the night before we flew back.

so i said that i guessed we'd have to find something else to do.

and he said we should find a hotel that has hot tubs in the rooms.

my mind and heart were racing. really? i can't even imagine that. as far as i can remember, the last time i fooled around in a hot tub was in lake tahoe eleven years ago. this boy i liked, mikey, had a hot tub in his bedroom. and bitch roommate totally invaded my space with said dude, before taking the hint and leaving.

but that was a hot night of making out, and i think fondly about rooms with hot tubs now.

i said that i didn't know where to find one of those here, that we might have to go to atlantic city for that.

and he said they have them in fla, so how can they not have them here? and also, how is it that i've never been in one?

so i said that i've never stayed in a posh hotel before. posh and swanky are not two words that are in my vocabulary.

and he said that we should do that saturday night.

which i'd honestly love. but he's already dropping cash to come up here to see me. and a posh hotel room? i mean, how much does that go for, like $300 a night? shit... i can think of so many other things to do with $300 right now.

and so i had to think of the best way to respond.

and this morning, i just said that i was on a budget, and that my bathtub probably fits two. and though there aren't jets, we're creative.

i'd already been planning a bubble bath for friday. i think the last one i had was about five years ago.

my mind has been running rampant, did i already mention that?

part of me hopes that i pick him up and there's funny air travel talk back to my apartment. but that the second i unlock the door, he just picks me up and throws me down.

part of me hopes that he doesn't waste any time in the car.

part of me hopes that we do get a hotel room. because it's all the more scandalous. if you're gonna do it, do it. right?

part of me hopes that we don't leave, except for meals and drinks.

and part of me wants to show him slivers of the city. and part of me wants to keep him in my bed.

just the thought of sleeping next to someone. it's more than i can handle sometimes. i couldn't fall asleep last night thinking about it.

ever used to make me insane. he would never hold me when i asked him to. he'd pick nights when i was completely irritated with him to try to hold me and i'd shove him off.

having a boy hold me while i try to sleep is going to be fantastic. being too excited to sleep is going to be fantastic, too.

waking up to someone after a night of craziness is going to be interesting. i guess it's been about ten years now, since i woke up next to someone the morning after. like, 'well... i hope i don't look too scary.'

i know how i look in the morning. puffy face and crazy hair and makeup everywhere. i intend to get up and shower before he even stirs, just so i don't scare the bejesus out of him.

i won't even brush my teeth, because morning breath kisses are nice. but i'll look okay when i come back to bed with a wet head and cool damp skin, wrapped in a towel. why bother with anything else?

it cannot get here fast enough. all day, it's all i think about. i can't concentrate on my work, because all i can think about it sex. and sex. and more sex.

luckily, tomorrow and thursday are long days for me. it will keep me moving and make time go by faster.

i'm going to have to be on my a-game on friday, because it's inventory.

but after that, i am not responsible for following where my body takes me.

who am i? who is this person writing this smut?

oh, right. it's me.

the girl who has been a victim of shitty sex for the last seven years. who hasn't gotten off from sex in a good five. who has had one proper makeout session in the last six years, thanks to the boy who is flying over one thousand miles for a long distance booty call.

i hope it's fun. i hope it works. i am nearly positive i won't get attached, but i'm also pretty afraid that he will. and i'm also nearly positive that there could be a second trip in his future.

but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i can't even really think about him, his face, etc. i try, but it mixes the old chalk with the new chalk. the thirteen years later chalk. i hear his voice in my head, saying things he said to me in fla when there was no space between us. i hear the little noises he makes in my ear when he's enjoying himself. he is incredibly passionate, and it's dead sexy.

and now that i've got that out of my system...

there is not much else to say. i can't keep writing all my filthy sex thoughts down here all night. and that's all that there is to do, so i suppose i will get back to flirting with him.

today was an easy day, despite the stress of that landlord bullshit.

and i'm already back in bed, where i've been since this afternoon. i can't seem to get out of my bed this week. and not in that depressed way. but in a preparatory kindof a way.

chalk can't get here fast enough. i wish he wasn't kidding on monday when i asked him if it was friday yet, and he said that it was, and that he's drunk at the airport again, to come pick him up already because he's been waiting all day.

peace. and quiet? july 26th.

it's strange being alone and happy about it.

and it's strange doing everything without music in the background. i do it pretty often, just because i can. and because, when i do, there is no noise at all, except for my upstairs neighbor thudding around, and downstairs landlord banging tools, muffled by the sound of my wall unit's hum and the box fan blowing.

today was good for a monday, but weird for any other day.

i biked to work without breaking a sweat, because it stormed last night and literally dropped from 96 to 72 in an hour. there was a fantastically cool breeze for a summer day all day today, from what i could tell. and it really didn't get all too hot today. almost ninety. but in the shade, a cool breeze. this is why i love summer in phila.

the thing is, i woke up well rested. and i forget that sometimes i require a lot of sleep. always when i'm on the dot. but i rarely treat myself to it.

yesterday i slept in after going to bed early on saturday night. and i didn't really get out of bed for more than a few hours yesterday. again... something i never do.

but yesterday was such a good day.

i spent a lot of time thinking. a lot of time writing. and a little time reading the second volume of dream whip that i just bought when nina was here. and of course, i spent a lot of time on fb, chatting and emailing with people. and flirting with chalk.

i guess i wrote that blog post. and then i was back in fb. and i had an email from brownies.

she had written me last week and it took a few days to get back to her. but when i did, she got back to me. and it was this looooong email. it was very involved, and scattered, the same way i write and think and feel. i read through it really quickly at first, then re-read it again while i simultaneously spent probably two hours writing her back.

it's so crazy to me. i got over this fear i had. and this pride i had. and set aside my stubbornness.

and look at where i am now.

all these years i lost. wasted. because i was too afraid and too stubborn to say something.

what's even more interesting is the difference between what i got from closure with brownies vs coffee. they were my top two priorities for the trip. and i'm really glad that i didn't back down, and that i didn't skirt the issue with either of them.

i expected the closure i got from brownies from coffee, and even less that i got from him, from her.

i expected to have this, 'i was thinking about you the whole time, too. i've missed you, too. i'm happy to have you back in my life, too.' from him.

and instead, i got it from the person who i thought i had so wronged, so abused, that she would never forgive me, and certainly never let me back into her life. and also, i thought she had completely moved on and would never look back.

it's funny. i've posted a lot about friends, and best friends, and friendships in general in the past.

and here's one more to add to the pile.

she wrote this line that was really great, because it's how i think, but am usually afraid to say. it went something like, 'not that we can go back to where we were, but this is so much better'.

it made me feel like i wasn't crazy.

because there's something very natural about picking up with friends where you left off. same thing happened with nate. and it was like no time had passed at all.

brownies is a different story, because we were so inseparable for so long, and closer than i've probably ever been with anyone except for nina.

and the way things shook out was so ugly and angry on my side, and so hurt on hers, that we can't really pick up where we left off the way nate and i did.

first we have to tear the house down to the foundation and fix that. then try to take a stab at building a more sensible house that probably won't be as big or as lavish as the original house, but it will be safe and warm and shelter.

and the fact that we're on the same page is a great place to start.

i hope that i can help her in her life, and i know that i'll learn from her, too.

it's nice to re-make an old friend. i wish i could hang with her more often.

so after all of that for hours yesterday, i was at work today, making sandwiches for the majority of the morning. and i wasn't really talking or singing along to the dance radio station here that rules our coffee shop, like i do everyday.

and when lauren came in, she noticed it. she asked me if i was okay, or mad at her.

and i realized that i'd been zoning out for a long time, just thinking about everything.

thinking about chalk and this coming weekend. thinking about brownies and the emails we sent back and forth yesterday.

and i told her that i was just thinking and didn't even realize how quiet i was. but as soon as she pointed it out, i realized that i'd been working in silence for most of an hour.

my mind is a scattered crazyplace. it always is. but i usually have two or three main things that i bounce back and forth between.

added to the mix yesterday/today was a lot of stuff about ever. because i was explaining a lot of stuff to brownies, and so it forced me to think about a lot of it.

and, related to that, today something happened that set me back a little bit, in my head.

i got home tonight from an adult swim after work with kit, and checked my email. low and behold, email from my divorce lawyer guy.

saying that he received the filed divorce complaint back from the courts. and that he is mailing it to ever today.

it goes certified, to verify that he receives it.

and the letter he wrote to go along with it was actually pretty nice. asking him to sign it, and call if he had any questions, or have his attorney call if he has any questions.

the things that set me back were these:

first, it lists my address. so ever will now know where i live. which i do not like.

but he is finding out THE WEEKEND I HAVE A MAN COMING TO STAY HERE. goddamn shit timing.

second, i said i would warn him when it was coming in the mail.

and since i said that, and told him about a month ago that it would be, i don't want to right now.

i feel like if he knows it's coming tomorrow, he won't answer the door. so i want a surprise attack.

regardless, the anxiety level is rising, because it's do or die time. it's time to see if he'll just sign the shit and fucking get over it. or if he's going to do everything in his power to prolong this shit and be a giant fucking baby and refuse to sign it for two years, until the court forces him to.

the letter was also nice, because it says that he (lawyer) is drafting up the settlement agreement, where we split up marital assets and explain how the house gets handled. and that he hopes we can do this amicably and without issue, basically.

third, after a month of not talking to him, emailing him, writing him, texting him, dealing with him at all, now i'm at the crux of the end of our marriage. and all i need is for him to sign the paper. so i can sign some paper that testifies that it is, in fact, his signature. ??

and then, in 90 days, we can take the next step. but i'm not totally clear on what that is. maybe it means that, if he refuses to sign, we can do the next thing.

i don't know. this is avoider mechanism at work again. i cannot deal with him in any form right now. i don't want to. i won't. and i don't know when or how or in what way i'll be able to again.

i cannot express the gratitude i feel for having my shrink appointment tomorrow.

i know that 45 minutes won't even cover the tip of the iceberg. and i also can't even figure out what to tell her, because there is so so much to tell.

i think chalk is important. because i am two weeks from the six month mark of our split, and feeling pretty confident that i can have premeditated sex without an emotional attachment. for the first time ever.

and also because i've figured out on my own that i will not date for at least another six months, because i know for a fact that i am not ready for that yet. and that i might need to reevaluate in another six after that. because in all likelihood, i'll need more than a year to return to the dating pool. luckily, i have lots of reconnaissance to do in the meantime.

but what else do i cover with her? coffee is so important in my head because of how much it affected me before i went home. but at the same time, she knows very little about him, and the effect it seems to be having on me at this time is minimal.

she knew about brownies from before, when we met up for the first time, with nate, so i can talk about that. i guess now the biggest thing is this brand new, two hour old news of ever and the divorce complaint. and, obviously, moving home. and what that means, and when it's okay to act on it, and how it all makes me feel.

it's so crazy that i haven't seen her in a couple months. i was going every other week, and a couple weeks in a row there for a while.

i'd like to have that back. tomorrow we can make that happen, because she books her own appointments now. but i feel like it will take four sessions to get to the grit of it all.

there's just so much to talk about and think about. and more than anything, i just want to hear what she has to say about it. which rarely happens, but specific to chalk and specific to moving home, i think she can help me find some answers and give me some timelines and guidelines for each thing.

but honestly, i am afraid of what she'll say about chalk. i talked to aubree about it today. i was afraid of her input, too.

but she was pretty funny, and didn't really get too into it. her only fear, which is probably what the shrink will say, is that she's afraid i'll get attached to him, because i'm such an emotional person.

and i can't explain it, but i'm going blue in the face here, that i just don't have those feelings for him. and the fact that it is purely physical to me is a mystery. he's really really good at what he does. he's very intense. but it's not even a physical attraction for me. it's an attraction to knowing that there's more where that two hour makeout fest came from.

but i also know that intern would be dangerous. so it's best to just let that little fire in my pants die out. because he is exactly the type of boy i'd attach to. it was fun trying to lie to myself. just saying... i'd still sleep with him. he is my dream boat.

but chalk, no. chalk will be a lot of fun. and kinda scary, probably, because i'm so self conscious and so modest, and such a prude, up until now, now as in this coming weekend.

but i'm not going to fall for him. and this is all in good fun.

this is all to fulfill a need. and to see whether or not i have what it takes to survive in this world that changed all the rules while i was busy being married.

i don't know if i do. if it was anyone other than him, i'd have some pretty serious thinking to do. but knowing someone for thirteen years, despite the fact that i haven't spoken to him in eight, makes it okay with me.

so here i am. an hour and a half after i started this. still listening to the hum of the wall unit and the box fan blowing on me. alone.

peace. quiet. stillness. thinking. feeling.

and really, really needing a cigarette. it's been three and a half hours.

a place in the universe. july 25th.

the weekend is turning out different than i thought it would.

yesterday was the craziest day of running around ever. it was good, though. i got a lot accomplished.

for starters, kit went with me. i made awesome peets coffee and started some laundry at her place.

made a big lunch for us, watched the hangover again, because you can never watch it too much. then piled into the car for a suburban adventure. first we went to the at&t store to get my replacement phone. the guy warned me that anything like pictures would be lost.

what he didn't tell me is that i'd lose EVERYTHING. and i mean everything. every single phone number. every text message i'd actually saved. and ones that i hadn't even received yet.

it sucked ass.

i think he accidentally put my sim card in the trash, because i had JUST gotten a new one that had all my info on it. or so i'd thought.

in any case, one of the two people at at&t did the great dis-service of erasing all of my shit for me. thanks. fuck you.

that being said, i hoped that when i had my new phone in hand, that i'd have a text from intern. or my friend jay. or nina. because i'd sent them all messages right before it died.

and i had nothing.

so without knowing whether intern had messaged me back or not, i went to see hubble today. and you know what? i'm glad i went alone. it was awesome. and the boy who charged me for the ticket only made me pay the add on price, despite asking me if i was going to the museum. i told him no, and he still only charged me $5.50.

life is sweet. if stupid intern had been there, i'd have paid full price. the guy probably felt sorry for me, seeing a movie alone. or maybe that is just my perception, because i never go alone, and never thought i would.

back to yesterday.

so we left that place of hell, new phone in hand.

and went to walmart.

kit hates walmart. but this walmart was better than the one in the city. less trashy. brand new inside, complete with the grocery store.

we were there for only a few things.

one of which, for me, was a pack of condoms.

so we walk in and grab stuff i needed from the pharmacy area. saline, atkins bars and shakes in prep for chalk, and kit went to get a cart.

like a thirteen year old boy, i walked nonchalantly past the condom section, seeing where the things were that i'd be needing, so i could swoop back in quickly for what i needed.

i can't explain how i felt. nervous and sick, giggly and hot faced. lightheaded.

it was ridiculous. but there's a first time for everything, so i dropped everything in the cart. and i was walking back, kit watching, and then a guy was in the section. so i ran back to her, 'i can't do it. i can't do it.'

and in her typical fashion, she got really adamant. 'oh yes. you are. right now. go. GO.'

and i couldn't.

i would start there and then stop. laughing hysterically.

knowing that i was on surveillance for anyone and every to see, broadcast above the lipstick and foundation and mascara. and to some room, where some greasy faced security kid was probably enjoying the scene a little too much.

she refused to let me shop for everything else. she parked the cart in the makeup aisle. and demanded that i go.

and finally, with tears in my eyes from laughing, and a bright red face, most certainly, i did it.

i grabbed the box of trojan magnum xls. just the twelve pack, not the thirty six. because if i had that much sex in forty eight hours, my vag would never recover.

so i threw them in the cart, and started walking away quickly.

and then kit did the funniest/meanest thing ever.

'grab the box of blue ones for me.'

so i had to go back to the section and get them. i did it to prove a point. the first one was the hardest.

and then practically ran from the condom aisle into the bigger part of the store, in search of toilet paper and paper towels.

nothing to see here...

and i couldn't stop laughing and crying simultaneously. this whole weekend has been like that. kit and nina have had me in hysterics, nose running and eyes running and all. all weekend long.

so we get everything else we need, and start walking toward the registers.

and i remember. just like tampons. checking out is the worst part.

so there's one cashier who isn't a dude. so we go see grandma. and pay for our condoms and other random items. and leave the store laughing about an imaginary phone conversation, had we forgotten our bags with condoms in them.

'yes, i left a bag there. i paid for it.'

'sure, miss. what was in the bag?'

'oh, god. do i have to tell you?'

it was funny.

then we went to the apple store. kit's favorite place in all of the city. we go there almost as much as our favorite watering hole.

and as per the usual, there was a hot boy working. and as per the usual, there was a wall of people, dying to get things fixed by a genius.

and so it was that kit got her blacktop reformatted. for my use.

and so it was that a bit later, she got the broken sim card tray out of her old iphone, in preparation for my use.

and we left without a working iphone, because they didn't have any spare trays. and kit was pissed, because if a boy had been helping us, we surely would have left with one from another old school iphone. but the girl couldn't find one after searching high and low, so we left only partially defeated.

this all goes back to my taking advantage of kit thing. luckily for my broke ass, kit has a bunch of 'old' stuff she has replaced with new stuff, and is gracious enough to let me buy the old iphone off of her and use the 'old' laptop (which is blowing my mind!) for a while, until i can afford a new one of my own.

i'm just really lucky to have a really generous friend.

so we came home after that, and i got all my laundry after a trip to the grocery store, where we grabbed a ton of salad and veggie stuff, and meat, for atkins redux.

kit's trying it for the first time. and i'm just doing it until chalk has come and gone. to break the habits that i had ditched before my trip home, but picked up with a vengeance since i've been back.

it's funny, the whole two weeks i was home, i didn't really go crazy with carb-y stuff.

but since i got back? oh my god... popcorn and ramen and french fries and ice cream and oreos and apple fritters and scones and bread and pizza and sandwiches and pasta. so bad. living on carbs again.

the only way for me to break it is to give it up completely. and i have a problem wiht moderation, apparently. so here i go again.

i need to be doing situps, but kit's afraid i'll hurt myself before chalk gets here.

which is cracking me up right now.

last time i tried to do situps was a royal disaster. that stupid incline bench broke my stomach, and two weeks later, swimming in the pool still hurt! it was horrible.

so i have to take it easy. but i should really get my belly muscles ready for whatever happens next weekend. even if it's only for laughing a lot.

there's something really great about spending a sunday in bed, in the air conditioning, after being out in the swampy heat and riding my bike straight through the thick of center city in the midday heat.

and that movie...

i love leonardo dicaprio's voice. i always have. i like him, too. but his voice is nice.

and i knew i was in for a treat when the imax intro started. i remembered it from the only other one i saw, with ever when aubree worked at the science center. we saw the grand canyon imax, because he had never been and i wouldn't shut up about my trip there.

they show a light on the speakers built in behind the screen dome.

and the lights go out and the intro felt like a roller coaster ride. it was intense. i got a little scared for a second, as my body adjusted to all the sensory information. i thought i was getting vertigo or motion sickness.

but i took a deep breath and marveled at the effect, and it passed.

and the movie. i think maybe i could have had a slightly better seat. i tried to sit just above the center of the theater, in the middle of the row. and it was pretty great. but i'm sure nate will know where the best seat in the house is, because he is an imax expert.

but there was a starfield. just floor to ceiling, wall to wall, stars during the opening credits.

and motion through it. incredible.

and then the astronauts and the launch sequences of different shuttles and floating in space. it was really cool. all the repairs and everything that have been done.

and the first hubble image they showed: saturn, of course.

and there was a short little part in the middle for 'space travel', looking at things hubble has captured. and then the end, was the longest portion of star touring.

it was incredible, what they were able to do based on what hubble has captured. into the orion nebula. just mind blowing. and into that deep field photo that looks back into the beginning of the universe, through it.

and then galaxies upon galaxies. and leonardo saying, 'just imagine' in that soothing voice.

it was a rude awakening, leaving the cool dark theater and heading back out into the summer convection oven that is this city. and onto my bike back through the city to my apartment.

and up and in, air cranked, food cooked, back into bed.

today is a good day. i'd say 'was', but it's only five.

so there's more to be had.

and, yeah, i wanted to go with intern. but i highly doubt i'd have felt this accomplished if i had gone with him.

i'd probably just be disappointed that he left right after.

instead, i went to the movies. alone. and got a sweet deal on the ticket. and the museum was awesome just to walk through. huge incredible building. i'll definitely go back sometime to see the place. i know i'd love it. and they have a planetarium. i'll go there too.

and i got a bike ride in. and now i'm having lemonade after a big salad-y lunch.

i don't know my place in the universe. i don't think i'll ever really grasp what is out there. or how far away a light year actually is. or how any of it works.

but i know i like to look at it. and suddenly, dark sky part two cannot get here fast enough.