delete forever. july 19th and 20th.

well, i did it. i MADE myself do it.

turns out that this morning was the time to erase every text he sent since the beginning. and it turns out that tonight was the time to erase every email he sent since the beginning. and the lists. and the spreadsheet.

empty trash. delete forever.

it is like it never even happened.

it did. but it could all be false memories now. there is no proof that it was anything other than imagination.

it is time to move on.

and if i didn't do all of that purging, it would be just like the journals. sifting back, to remind myself of what i once had. what i lost. what i cannot let go of. what i feel like i can't overcome. to beat myself and torture myself with the 'where did i go wrong?' and the 'what did i say?' and the 'this is where i leapt, and this is where i hit the ground's.

it's over, because i made it so.

it turns out that being ignored twice was the last straw. i will NEVER understand how taking two seconds to respond 'no' or 'i can't' or 'i don't want to see you' or 'leave me alone' is too much to ask. but it just is with him.

part of me thinks that now, since i've done this, something crazy will happen. but every other strand inside of me tells me that i did the right thing, because nothing was going to change otherwise.

i outgrew waiting. and what i felt means more to me than what he didn't ultimately feel for me. so i'm cutting my losses. correction: i'm TRYING to.

it won't take away the things that i committed to memory. the things i wish i could forget. the things that will take years to forget, at worst, or a few more weeks at best, until the next distraction comes along.

i wrote brownies twice, and think i worded things well, so i'm pasting below the stuff that i don't feel like writing twice...

i am in a pretty dark place, and if i can figure out how to let go of the heartbreak, i will feel better. if i take control over my job and do what i need to do, i will feel better. but i have been popping ativan once daily for a while now, and am beginning to wonder if i need to be medicated (antidepressants), because i do not feel okay.

i guess i had a mental boyfriend, and am now experiencing a mental breakup. i think he's totally over me, and i am too chickenshit to put him on the spot and just ask. everything he does (well, doesn't do) is pointing that direction, and i'm having an impossible time trying not to think about him and all the things he said and wrote to me, that made me feel like this was something real that would last. everything that made me believe that it was safe to take a chance.

it's the biggest bummer. last night, falling asleep, i just kept thinking, 'i need to be alone'.

i can't handle the way i've been feeling lately. it has really sunk me lower than low. i don't know if it's just because it's the first heartbreak after the first time i made myself vulnerable, or if it is unrelated, or if it's just typical shit that i haven't felt in so long that it feels like a really big deal because it's foreign.

here's to hoping for some clarity on thursday at the shrink.

i just want to be happy again, and need to make myself that way.

those things from him that i got rid of were convincing me that it's all just a big misunderstanding, and that we will get back to being that way someday. it was giving me hope that i shouldn't have right now, not toward him.

so i got rid of all of it. and then emptied the trash, so there was no going back.

i feel like i say the same things over and over again. it's because i just cannot figure it out. and i shouldn't complain about it until i have answers, you know? this is all because i won't talk to him about it. because the couple times i have, i didn't get anything out of it, and felt like i was making him uncomfortable, even though he acted like everything was fine, and talked about everything EXCEPT what i was saying. i know he listened and understood what i was saying to him, because he was apologizing profusely, but he offered nothing to me in return, except 'i really like you, tea.'

which somehow made me tolerate another three weeks of being ignored, despite knowing better and feeling like i deserve more than this.

whatever. i don't want anyone to have that kind of influence over me. i should be grateful that i had that tearful happiness for a short time. a little taste. to know that it does exist. that i can be happy in that way, fulfilled.

but more than anything, it just makes me super sad to have glimpsed it and lost it so quickly. it felt like what forever would be like. turns out it's what like five weeks feels like, if that.

what a tool. i wish he was an asshole. then it would be easy to be angry and never look back. but his biggest fault is that he is a flake, or as nina says, that he doesn't follow through.

and after ALLLLLLL that communication in the beginning, then there was no more. but instead, he's a super sweet guy, who just doesn't get it. or maybe he gets it, but doesn't get me. or he gets me, and i just don't get him. it doesn't really matter at all.

it all seemed so perfect from so far away. a perfect fucking match.

but not up close. and not now.

oh, well...

i don't yet know what will happen if/when he decides to call me or ask me to do something. but i am done with being the one asking, and really can't fathom him doing anything of the like.

and i feel (again - maybe for real this time?) that the next time will be the time i can say something to him, because i kinda don't expect to see him or talk to him again, so it's not like every other time i chickened out, when i felt like i'd either scare him off or make him like me less by talking about things that would be unpleasant. that i'd risk losing the next time i could be spending with him.

i feel like i have nothing to lose now, only closure to gain.

and i guess that is what signals some kind of an end, right? the closure? i'm thinking that the answer is yes.

there was other stuff i wrote to her, but that's the gist of it.

hopefully i can put all of this behind me in two weeks when i go home.

i'll get excited about going home once i get work sorted. that's the biggest stress this week.

i fear all that time spent in the pool, where all i have to do is think.

i hate the discomfort. i've been in it for a while now. the one where no song is the right song to hear. no show is the right show to watch. everything feels wrong, including silence. it's making me absolutely sick. at least once a day, i feel like i need to throw up. luckily i hate throwing up enough to talk my stomach out of it. today it happened when i got into my car to leave work. i blame it on anxiety.

all i can do is try to drink and smoke and sleep through it. and i know that is wrong. but it is what is getting me by.

one day i won't feel sick when i pass that exit. one day i won't feel sick when i hear most of the songs i've had on repeat since may. one day i won't think about everything we talked about. one day i won't randomly burst into the sad variety of tears at a single thought that runs through my brain. one day i won't feel the loss anymore.

but that day is not today. maybe tomorrow. maybe a week or a month or a year from now. it feels, from the bottom, like it will be forever. but i know that isn't true. it was only a fucking month! and if it's about half lives, then this should be over by now, because it's been three months from the start, and only the first was good and worth the pain i'm feeling now. and how shitty that, in hindsight, i don't think it was even worth it.

some point between half life and a year ought to suffice. at least i have two weeks of shit, two weeks of home, and two more weeks of shit before everything goes back to normal at work, which coincides with the weather cooling, and everything outside quieting down, while everything at work goes back to being hectic craziness that i enjoy best.

i worked an 11 and a half hour day yesterday. and i was so close to finishing the day out, when the dj decided that the best song to play at that exact moment in time was wreckless eric's 'whole wide world'. i burst into tears, excused myself from the store, and had a cry. i was on my bike ten minutes later, riding home with aubree.

the whole time thinking, 'get bent, tax man.'

time. time will fix this.

that, and time AWAY.

this will be yet another trip where i vow to move home, thinking it will all be so much easier from there. like mom can somehow fix everything that i can't seem to fix on my own. that having aubree and my family and brownies and nina right there to lean on will make tolerating the heat totally worth it.

sell the house, take the money and run. start over.

i fear that as well. because i know i can't do it. but it always feels so easy at home. and all i want is something EASY.

my house got tagged while nina was here. i saw it for the first time yesterday, bringing in the garbage cans.

i hate my goddamn neighborhood.

and when i get like this? i just. want. OUT.