. feb 25th.

i'm glad that the day shaped up better than it started off.

when i woke up, i felt like crying. and i woke up too early and my mind started racing about house stuff, and i couldn't fall back asleep.

i got ready, pulling things out of my bathroom bin, and got dressed, pulling clothes out of my bedroom bin.

i'm really glad to not be sleeping at the house tonight.

i'd just like to put that out there.

so last night, i packed, expecting to spend tonight moving in. getting situated, roughly, and hanging out with the puppy.

i impressed and surprised myself with the amount of work i accomplished last night. today, not so much.

i packed my entire bathroom. i love that i'm forgetful enough to rebuy things that i don't need, because it means that i have two of almost everything i use daily. which means that i can have one set here, and one at the house.

i packed the clothes that i wear often, and the clothes that i can destroy cleaning and working on the house. i packed a lot of my dry food. and all of my spices. i finished packing my books. i dismantled the entertainment center (which is a major bummer, realizing that i'm going to be around this weekend after all). i still have a lot to do, don't get me wrong. but there are a lot of full boxes and full bins. and that makes me feel a lot better about moving this weekend. if i end up doing that.

went to the house this morning after getting the cashiers check at the bank. woke ever up for the second time in as many days. he looked awful. said he was moving until 4 this morning from 4 in the afternoon.

he let the puppy out so she could see me. she made her high pitched squealy sound and jumped on me to kiss my face. she definitely remembered me. and she was definitely happy to see me, even though i'm sure she was confused as shit. and even though i bet she's even more confused now that i'm not around again.

she breaks my heart. she makes me wish i could be friends with him. just to be able to see her again. except for the fact that he hasn't bathed her or cut her hair in ages, she was exactly the same.

i don't know. i can't really write about it or i will cry. again.

so i offered to take care of her. i told him to take care of her today, and i would move in tonight and go from there. and he said that he'd rather have a chance to clean the place up, which i was a big fan of.

and then something sad happened. he said he didn't want to upset me, but that he needed to say goodbye to the house. and he started crying when he said it.

the only time that i had ever seen ever cry was once. when his grandfather died.

he had to stop talking, but i knew what he was saying. and i shook my head, and said, 'hey. i know. i had to do it, too. it's okay. why don't you take today and tomorrow to clean and everything? and plan to be out by saturday night.'

to be clear, he did move out. but he isn't taking the bed, and he actually left a lot behind. which is both okay and not okay. it will be helpful when i need to stage the house at some point in the future. but for now, without the two bedrooms the tenants are using, i don't know where i'm going to put everything.

he left two bakers racks. which i'm also happy about. but also don't know how to use them best. he left a couch and a futon. the couch will get tossed. it's ugly and his old roommate's cat shredded it.

i asked him to designate an area of the front room for trash, so i know what he isn't taking and that belongs to no one. because garbage night is monday, he can't put it out now. maybe i will have him put it in the garage to make my life easier.

so a few interesting things happened. besides the crying bit.

when i noticed the bedroom smelled like cigarettes, i also noticed a pbr tall boy on the nightstand. sure, it could have been someone else's. but that, paired with the empty beer bottles there when i was there last in the kitchen, reaffirms my suspicion that he is on the drink again.

yesterday when i was there, i noticed that he is now skinnier than me. i bet he weighs what i do, because he's taller than me. scary. crazy. not good.

and the other interesting thing from today was, when i asked him to sign the receipt for the cashier's check, he said, 'i don't think there's a pen here, baby.'

i'm sure i made a face. i'm sure he did, too, the second he said it.

it was one of those oops moments. like when i start to say 'i love you' when getting off the phone with a vendor or something. out of habit.

it definitely reminds me that he can't be over it. my leaving him, the divorce. anything. i think that he really thought i might change my mind the day we signed. i think that, knowing it was over then, he still hasn't started to deal with it. i think he has just somehow ignored it for a year. it's crazy.

it makes me sad. and at the same time, half the time when he called me or when i called him, i expected to call him by his nickname (boonie - don't ask), or hear him call me by mine.

after about nine years of calling each other by pet names, i guess it's a hard habit to break, especially when you don't have the practice of seeing each other or talking enough to start using formal names.

plus, we were in the house together. which has to be strange for him. the puppy was certainly shocked by it.

i'm kindof flying by the seat of my pants here. i don't really know what to say and ask. so i can't start to figure it out until it's happening and i'm in it. and that's not my strong suit. but i'm trying.

i keep wondering if i'm really going to haul everything of mine to the third floor and take the whole thing over. if i can live without a door. if i want to.

i keep wondering what chemicals i can use to get the funk out of the house.

the first floor smells like animal. like poop and pee. it's so fucking gross.

and today, the bedroom smelled like smoke. i guess ever took up smoking in bed. and the shop seems to permanently smell like an ashtray.

smoking indoors is just so gross. i mean, i used to smoke in the shop when i lived there, but it smells like he smokes with the windows closed. it's just awful.

how much time will it take to banish the smells? can they be banished? i cannot wait, for a million reasons, until it's time to have the windows open all the time. it's nearly here. march winds. april showers. so ready for spring, it's all i can think about lately.

and about two weeks ago, mice showed up in my apartment. they showed up in the house this week. once i clean everything, i will probably have to call an exterminator. before that happens, there's just no point. and even once i do, there's still no point, because the floors are such a mess.

oh, landlordiness. good times to come.

i'd like to take a minute here to pause. and say how much i adore the shins.

pandora's been stuck on their channel for so long now, and i've taken to listening to albums on itunes when i'm not listening on my phone.

and the voice with that face? he's so cute. he's so slight. he resembles the writer. i'd let james mercer sing me to sleep every night. i'd even consider remarrying.

you can watch this and see why:


(you're not allowed to stop watching if you hate this until you see him dance)

but until he meets me and falls in love with me, i guess i'll go back to packing. or doing something other than laying in bed procrastinating. and swooning over another star who will never know that i exist.

it's time to get back to... you know... real life.

i don't know how i feel about any of it.

i don't have to puppy sit. it's a huge relief. there's now no rush to move in. it's all pretty amazingly pulled off. but, because i'm not in the house scrubbing into a frenzy, i feel kindof useless. pointless. wasteful.

i really don't feel like anything at all.

for better, for worse. feb 24th.

somehow i forgot that, when i went to see the shrink last, it was the day of court, when ever had said, 'yeah. i want to stay in the house. i don't want to move.'

so she didn't know that he had agreed, signed, and gotten the first half of the settlement. so when i jumped into what happened between saturday and last night, she asked me to back up.

funny how quickly time passes. and how i feel like i tell everyone what's going on, and just assumed she was up to speed.

i got a little choked up talking about moving back into the house, telling her i expect it to be the hardest thing i've dealt with so far. she asked why, and i explained all the reasons: my best distraction (kit) and favorite bar being so far away, losing my freedom of living alone, living in the house for the first time without ever (not that it makes me sad, but i think it will feel very odd). mostly, i had to stop talking because i was starting to cry saying that i didn't think he realized that by me caring for her for the next month, i would reconnect with her and then have to lose her all over again.

i should be grateful for the time i have with her. but it's going to suck when he takes her again.

so tonight i was supposed to go to a movie with kit. but what happened was that, after a long week, and a really long and ridiculously stressful day, neither of us felt like going. so i gave it to steve who works at favorite bar, to take his girl to. and he was grateful. got some bells two hearted takeout beer, came home with kit. she's working on science while i pack up.

so what i decided today is that, though it gave me a panic attack, i have to move into the house tomorrow. just three bins of stuff and my backpack. the essentials.

he can handle the puppy in the morning. and i'll handle her tomorrow night.

when i spend the first night in the house in 11 months.

i will have the evening to clean as much and as quickly as possible. and to move my three bins in, so i can shower and get dressed and have something to snack on.

so instead of easing into the house, taking a month to split my time between the apartment and the house, i'm being forced into living there, because it's just not feasible to take the puppy out in the morning and after work and at night, and leave her alone around that.

welcome back to motherhood, tea. self sacrifice and responsibility.

well, my dinner is finished. and my second beer is cracked (a pbr, so as to wake up in the morning and deal with everything), so i really need to get back to packing.

everything must go.

i must move. quickly. but with clear thought and planning.

i'm already tired, and i've only just gotten started.

i'm an asshole? feb 23rd.

i don't even know how i feel. after sobfest 2011 last night, i should feel better. i don't even know why i fucking cried.

i think it was realizing that i was alone. and packing for only five minutes pushed me right over the edge. it was much easier to pack when i was angry and leaving. it's much harder to pack reluctantly and return.

but i wanted to distract myself and go out, despite the fact that i was already in pjs for the night. and when i realized that i wasn't going anywhere, i just lost it.

art night was good tonight. i had an easier time and made fewer huge mistakes. so my drawings ended up being decent.

then i got home, and had two emails from ever, with one from lawyer sandwiched between, in response to the email i posted last night.

apparently i overreacted. in my defense, ever could have set things up differently, by explaining himself. but because he didn't, i went to the darkest place possible. and freaked out. and wrote that letter.

he wrote today that if i would have asked him, he would have explained. all the questions about me moving in were in an effort to know who will be taking care of the puppy between tomorrow when he moves out and tuesday when i move in.


and also, that the people he had lined up, in the place he did put the deposit down on, backed out on him. so he has to go get the deposit back, but not until next friday, because the landlord is away.


he reminded me that he let me have my mail sent there while i lived at kit's. and i didn't say it, but he is right about that. it won't kill me to hand him mail (or make the roommate do it) once a week for a month, if that long. he let me do it for two.

and i don't feel like i can figure out a way for him to be out, but still take care of the puppy. i have a day to try to figure it out. the problem is that it means i'll have to be sleeping there. every day. starting monday. and that, even though he's moving out, he'll be in and out taking care of her until tuesday.


i know that i jump to conclusions. and usually with him, they are right. but i was a little off this time.

and i said mean shit and freaked out on him. and yeah, it's giving him back his own stress, which is stressing me out. but at the same time, i do want this to go smoothly, and i don't want him to have reasons to be spiteful in the last 48 hours i have to deal with him.

maybe it's the point, but the whole email he wrote made me feel like an asshole. it made me feel bad.

and today, at suck store, i found out that patti is gone.

patti has been my lady parts doctor for the eight years i've been here. she was the best. she knew my history (i've been on just about every form of birth control known to woman). and she did exactly what you need a lady parts doctor to do: put you at ease and make a truly unpleasant experience tolerable. she talked to me for an hour when i told her i was thinking about leaving ever the last time i saw her, about her own divorce, and her life since.

and i guess she just up and left two months ago. and all they said was that she went to the clinic. and that they don't take insurance there. so i can't simply follow her to where she went.

it's a sad day. if only i hadn't missed my yearly appointment timing in december. i would have gotten it out of the way, and then could have just gone when i'm back home again.


hormones, you are an asshole. you are assholes.

you're making me feel like one.

like a big mean jerk.

all i was trying to do was help.

expedite the process.

this week is trying to kill me. i am so tired. i haven't had a good night's sleep since last week this time. and i won't be getting one again until friday night.

tomorrow i see my shrink, then take the moving friends money to ever, because i'm stuck at work tomorrow night and can't hand it to them myself. then go to work. and stay late. i really wish i could sleep in. stupid shrink vacation. making me wake up early to have a session before she leaves.

and friday is also another sleep in day, normally. but now i'm going to the house to do the walk through before work, so i'll be up early again.

and now?

i'm so tired. exhausted, really. not sleepy.

thirsty. in need of a last cigarette.

will i ever sleep again?

will i ever stop being an asshole when i'm tired and hormonal?

i'm so beat, i can't even rate boys.


THAT tired.

packing tape and storage bins. feb 22nd.

i stared down at the pack of packing tape.

i almost cried when i poked my thumb through the shrink wrap and pulled out the first roll.

it is time.

i'm hormonal. which makes packing a particularly awful fucking chore.

i called the gas company and the electric company today to set up service. for a week from today.

fuck me.

this is really happening.

pbr will get me through. and bishop allen.

(here, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LpmrZbTu1o )

and writing little one off sentences, apparently.

the adhesive should smell like a fresh start, but instead it smells like unpreparedness.

if i could part with it, everything that gets boxed up over the next few days would just get thrown out or donated to charity. because it's the stuff i can bear to part with for months. which means that i don't need it.

i took off the line about being a minimalist on dating site, because i think that a true minimalist would have clothes for a week, a mat to sleep on, and food to eat.

but i don't want to part with any of it. there's no chance really for getting rid of things that are superfluous, because i did that when i left the house. these were the bare essentials. and i'm keeping all of it.

everybody, back into the house.

i had to take a break from rating boys. it's getting fucking ridiculous.

ever texted me a bit ago to say that the sublet reneged on letting him take the puppy. so guess who's puppy sitting for a month? as long as he understands that he is not welcome, i don't mind puppy sitting. i really believe that she has forgotten me. but maybe seeing me in the house as my habitat will refresh her memory?

and just like the last time, the books are the first thing to get packed. interesting...

best random thought of the day:

this bra is the best thing to happen to my tits since i was 19 and swore off of wearing one outside of work. every day is booby shirt day. every day is good cleavage day.

* * * UPDATE * * *

just sent this to ever, after a text asking if i was moving in before the 1st, and not being able to tell me where he is moving after the sublet, because thankfully i asked him:

'i am already feeling foolish for helping you with the $400 cash advance from the second settlement payment.

you led me to believe on the phone and in your email that the first half of the settlement money went to your new place (first/last/security) and that's how you came up so short for taking care of all of the bills you've racked up the past few months. so how is it that you don't have a new place, where all that money has gone, but have a few places you like that are opening up april 1st?

and why are you asking me if i'm moving in before the 1st?

you are allowed to take through the 28th to move out. but you get the remainder of your payment once you are completely out of the house, as the contract states.

you said you would be completely out by the 24th, and would collect your payment on the 25th. you can take through the 28th, and i will make sure lawyer has the check for the remaining $3100 to mail to you after i go through the house to make sure that everything is out.

i no longer agree to help you with cash ahead of schedule. i will not pay your bills for you, from the settlement money. i will not put cash into your account when you are out of the house. i will mail a new check to lawyer tomorrow, made out to you.

this is exactly what i was afraid of.

you told me your plan on saturday, and i decided to help you out on sunday with $400 cash for the moving truck or whatever, to ensure that you actually moved out on time.

i am not going to handle any of your bills for you. if the power and gas and water get shut off, then you will have to explain to your tenants and deal with the consequences of your disregard over the past several months.

i'm not going to fix this for you.

the utility companies explained that you would be responsible for any reconnect fees that are required for non-payment of your account. if the power and gas and water are shut off until the first, it is not my problem or my responsibility, and it won't affect me, because i won't be there.

i will move in on the 1st, as is stated in the agreement.

i am changing the locks, and you will not be allowed to re-enter my home at any time, for any reason.

i explained to you previously that you are to remove anything that belongs to you that you intend to keep, or that is trash, and anything that belongs to anyone other than the two people renting rooms is to be removed as well.

the exception is dude's piano, remaining until he either comes to pick it up, or if he himself tells me to keep it.

i agree to keep the puppy for the month of march while you are in your sublet. i will take care of her for that month, but you are not to come to the house.

you are not to have your mail delivered to the house, either. you can have it held at the post office or forwarded to your new address. i'm very serious about you not returning to the house after march 1st. i am not afraid to file a restraining order if that is what is required, though i'd rather not have to.

this is precisely why i don't talk to you on the phone. you say a lot of things, and they change, and i have no paper trail of proof.

i'm glad this happened before i gave you more cash ahead of schedule.

if the dudes do move you out on thursday, i'll be happy to hand them their $100 in person and the $100 for the gas for the moving truck from the second settlement payment. have him call me, if that is the case. i am happy to help the two of them as a personal favor to each of them.

aside from that, i am not giving you any more cash. and you will receive nothing else from me. lawyer will mail you the check for the rest.

i thought it was odd that, when you needed money you asked me for it, instead of all the people who are your friends and family that are so important to you that i cannot see them or interfere with them.

i am no longer responsible for fixing your problems and bailing you out of financial issues. it's the majority of the reason why i left, and now that the divorce is signed, your irresponsibility is officially no longer my problem.

do not call or text me again. i will not answer any of them. and continue to copy lawyer on any emails. that is the only way i will correspond with you.

let me know when you are out and i will do the walk through, and notify lawyer to mail your check to you.


fuck me, man.

i mean, it's not really a big deal right now. i didn't do anything retarded. except handing him $400 on sunday morning.

it's more that i know he wasn't honest (because he never is) and that he manipulated me (because he always does, when given the chance).

kit and i had a few parting sentences two nights ago. and she thought i got upset with her over it (i honestly didn't) and apologized repeatedly (she shouldn't have), because she was right in what she was saying (and when it comes to him, she usually is).

she said not to give him the rest any other way than through lawyer. or if i won't heed that warning, at least don't do it without a witness.

because he's in a bad place and is desperate. and she wouldn't put it past him to 'not receive the check' or 'not receive the cash' or whatever.

and my initial reaction was, oops. because i'd already told him that i could just put the cash in his account once he was totally out of the house, instead of going through lawyer with a check. save him a trip, save him time waiting for the check to clear. i don't care. if he is out, he is out. that is all he has to do.

my second reaction was, he wouldn't do that.

and my third and final reaction was, she's probably right. and i've already probably made a mistake.

i wouldn't have thought that, had she not asked what my parents had to say about helping him ahead of schedule. and i stuttered, explaining to her that i hadn't told them about it. there was a reason for that. i don't know how they'd react. but if i expected them to not care or be supportive, then i would have talked to them about it.

and what i said when i walked away was, 'stop apologizing. someone has to be the bad cop. i need to hear it.'

and now, less than 48 hours later, she is proven right. yet again.

thanks, kit, for always having my back. and for seeing what i am blind to.