dear eleven eleven,
i don't really remember when you and i became something special.
it was probably when i was nineteen, like everything else.
but i'm going to need to ask you a favor.
i either need for you to come through for me, or i'm going to need to ask you to stay the hell away from me.
i don't want to see you anymore. i don't want to think about you anymore.
i certainly don't want to feel like you are something to believe in.
i don't know why i have put so much faith in you.
you've never done anything to deserve it. and really? i think you and the lucky cigarette should just go fly a fucking kite.
because you are kindof a waste of time and energy.
sometimes i think that you are only around to make me feel bad about myself and my choices.
i don't like you anymore.
and i don't care if i ever see you again.
alright.
that was a little dramatic.
but the point is... i'm going to have to get over this silly thinking. putting stock in superstitions.
because, seriously, it's getting ridiculous.
i'm watching pee-wee's big adventure.
i used to know this movie by heart.
there are a lot of things that i've seen more recently that kindof echo in my head. like, i know all the words. only i can't say them. but everything is so familiar.
this movie is like that.
i love it.
from the opening sequence, i was cracking up.
it's awesome.
i love tim burton. i love pee-wee. i love danny elfman.
i remember thinking that my elementary school music teacher composed must with him. as in, in person. because our school musicals would say 'written and composed by danny elfman and kris mcintyre'.
how funny.
large marge. awesome.
beer with kit now. at the bar. it's going to be nice to go after being away for a while.
and so awesome not being alone.
i need this.
happy almost friday.
i need that, too.
aubree's birthday. november 10th.
i didn't talk to her yet, she's out now. but i did text her.
i nearly forgot her birthday. i should have sent something, but only remembered yesterday.
i saw 1111 at work today, and i didn't make a wish, because they've been defeating me.
and i realized today that tomorrow IS eleven eleven.
i am planning to go to the bar after work tomorrow. hopefully kit can join me, because i don't want to go alone.
and i don't want to think about it.
my new boy at work, who i wouldn't have chosen, but who i think might be flirting with me, winked at me today.
it made me feel better.
there was a big thing at work yesterday, and one today. with quinn.and i guess i'm just over the drama of her being the age she is.
she's not a suitable replacement for me. and that is unfortunate.
i have a hormone headache, and i'm having one beer before bed.
i'm tired but not sleepy. and this week has been easier, finally. save for the drama.
tomorrow is suck store again.
i'm not feeling it. or ready for it. but will i ever be? until it closes, i don't think that i will.
i nearly forgot her birthday. i should have sent something, but only remembered yesterday.
i saw 1111 at work today, and i didn't make a wish, because they've been defeating me.
and i realized today that tomorrow IS eleven eleven.
i am planning to go to the bar after work tomorrow. hopefully kit can join me, because i don't want to go alone.
and i don't want to think about it.
my new boy at work, who i wouldn't have chosen, but who i think might be flirting with me, winked at me today.
it made me feel better.
there was a big thing at work yesterday, and one today. with quinn.and i guess i'm just over the drama of her being the age she is.
she's not a suitable replacement for me. and that is unfortunate.
i have a hormone headache, and i'm having one beer before bed.
i'm tired but not sleepy. and this week has been easier, finally. save for the drama.
tomorrow is suck store again.
i'm not feeling it. or ready for it. but will i ever be? until it closes, i don't think that i will.
three for three. november 9th.
i am referring to movies. specifically, movies that make me cry.
on nina's recommendation, after becoming smitten with ryan gosling in 'the notebook', she said i'd absolutely love him in 'lars and the real girl'.
and i did.
but like 'up', i thought it would be funny.
and it was, both were. but there was also crying involved. are these movies not actually sad? is it just me? i know that 'up' was legitimately sad.
but lars? who knows.
also today, i saw a couple pictures of ever online.
i was looking at evet pictures taken by one of his roommates. and the pictures were alarming to me.
maybe they're just dramatic black and whites. but he looks sickly. too skinny.
and they were taken on the 4th of july. on our neighbor's deck. i recognized it from the previous 4th when we'd went. but because he burnt our dinner on the grill, we'd missed the fireworks. it was a sad night.
it was a strange thing to see. i've blocked him from seeing me. and if he saw my summer pictures somehow, he'd have seen me skinnier than he'd ever seen me. but in his case, it makes me think of pictures i saw when he was strung out. long before i came along. and i checked twice to see if there was a drink in his hand. and there was not.
i feel weird about it.
and of course, i don't want to think about it.
at the same time, i want to look at them again. i wonder what he's like now. because i'm very different than the person i was when i saw him last.
and he was all scruffy and unkempt. and he probably smelled. and i realize that you can't change what you really are, deep down. and i think that is why i struggle so hard on a day to day basis.
i saw sam today, walking my bike from work. said hi for a minute, and wondered if she'd think to tell me if my boyfriend had been by.
i'll probably always be like this.
but i'm actively fighting my urges, so maybe i am changing. it will be a slow and painful process.
because i'll always revert to what i know. don't we all?
all this crying has felt pretty good. i'm not going to lie. i just wish it wasn't a fictional sense of sadness that i'm crying for.
i wish i could just cry for my life sometimes.
and i almost did the other night after watching '500 days'. when i went to bed alone again. i felt it welling. but it didn't come.
nothing else to say. except this:
1111, ima get you.
today. and tonight.
seriously? not cool.
no matter what i wish, and it's almost always the same, it will never come true.
on nina's recommendation, after becoming smitten with ryan gosling in 'the notebook', she said i'd absolutely love him in 'lars and the real girl'.
and i did.
but like 'up', i thought it would be funny.
and it was, both were. but there was also crying involved. are these movies not actually sad? is it just me? i know that 'up' was legitimately sad.
but lars? who knows.
also today, i saw a couple pictures of ever online.
i was looking at evet pictures taken by one of his roommates. and the pictures were alarming to me.
maybe they're just dramatic black and whites. but he looks sickly. too skinny.
and they were taken on the 4th of july. on our neighbor's deck. i recognized it from the previous 4th when we'd went. but because he burnt our dinner on the grill, we'd missed the fireworks. it was a sad night.
it was a strange thing to see. i've blocked him from seeing me. and if he saw my summer pictures somehow, he'd have seen me skinnier than he'd ever seen me. but in his case, it makes me think of pictures i saw when he was strung out. long before i came along. and i checked twice to see if there was a drink in his hand. and there was not.
i feel weird about it.
and of course, i don't want to think about it.
at the same time, i want to look at them again. i wonder what he's like now. because i'm very different than the person i was when i saw him last.
and he was all scruffy and unkempt. and he probably smelled. and i realize that you can't change what you really are, deep down. and i think that is why i struggle so hard on a day to day basis.
i saw sam today, walking my bike from work. said hi for a minute, and wondered if she'd think to tell me if my boyfriend had been by.
i'll probably always be like this.
but i'm actively fighting my urges, so maybe i am changing. it will be a slow and painful process.
because i'll always revert to what i know. don't we all?
all this crying has felt pretty good. i'm not going to lie. i just wish it wasn't a fictional sense of sadness that i'm crying for.
i wish i could just cry for my life sometimes.
and i almost did the other night after watching '500 days'. when i went to bed alone again. i felt it welling. but it didn't come.
nothing else to say. except this:
1111, ima get you.
today. and tonight.
seriously? not cool.
no matter what i wish, and it's almost always the same, it will never come true.
'up'. and in the air. november 8th.
so one of the last tangled things with ever has been detangled. now all that is left is just the bank account. and the house ultimately.
i stay angry about every aspect of my job right now, and it just spills over into anger about ever. and everything else.
he hasn't paid the mortgage yet this month. which is no suprise. and i can't remember if i wrote about it or not, but he hasn't paid the homeowners insurance on the house for the last two months.
so today, i split it off into his name. and put the car in my own name. and gave them his number.
fucking DUMBASS.
i'd kill him, but it wouldn't be fun to visit me in jail. so there's that.
and i do feel like i am going a little crazy.
i saw 111 on saturday and yesterday. i saw 1111 last night, and actually said aloud to my alarm clock, 'that's just not fair. come ON!'. saw 1111 this morning at work, and 222 just now.
all these triple and quadruple numbers are making me a little crazy. and i just wrote that lottery story.
* * *
home from work.
jesus christ.
someone should have warned me about 'up'.
like five minutes in, i was bawling.
and then again. and again.
and then robbie called me.
and thought he woke me up. i was all, 'no. just crying at a movie.'
he said the rosa parks movie he watched last night made him cry.
i wrote 'sigh' and then erased it. i think it was the idea of a boy crying that i liked for a second. then i remembered that he hasn't been sleeping, so that probably explains it. not that someone wouldn't cry at the rosa parks story.
nevermind. stupid brain.
i hung up with him, and hit play, and started crying right when it restarted, because it was the last leg of the movie.
and again. and again.
i didn't see it coming, that's the thing.
i thought there was a heavy element to it, but once i got that out of the way right off the bat, i thought that it would be all chipper from there.
wrong.
i cried way more at this cartoon than i did at 500 days of summer.
ugh. then i was prepared for it.
i'm exhausted now. i feel like i've been hit by a bus.
and this couch is really uncomfortable.
but?
i have a new fridge.
that is awesome.
it hums. which is new and different.
and it doesn't pour water all over the floor.
which is also awesome.
man.
seriously.
that cartoon kicked my ass.
i'm such a sap.
so robbie called about getting a check from us, but i asked him if it was still raining, and he said that it stopped and that it's beautiful out. reminded him of driving to florida in the wintertime, and stopping in south carolina.
and i told him i was writing about fall just yesterday.
and now, a nice safe episode of the universe. and more writing exercises.
i'm determined to get another novel out of myself. i just want to create something. i really need to print out those comics and get a sketchbook. i keep forgetting about it until i want to draw, and then remembering. late at night when i can't go out and get one.
it's in the air. everyone is probably thinking it.
i stay angry about every aspect of my job right now, and it just spills over into anger about ever. and everything else.
he hasn't paid the mortgage yet this month. which is no suprise. and i can't remember if i wrote about it or not, but he hasn't paid the homeowners insurance on the house for the last two months.
so today, i split it off into his name. and put the car in my own name. and gave them his number.
fucking DUMBASS.
i'd kill him, but it wouldn't be fun to visit me in jail. so there's that.
and i do feel like i am going a little crazy.
i saw 111 on saturday and yesterday. i saw 1111 last night, and actually said aloud to my alarm clock, 'that's just not fair. come ON!'. saw 1111 this morning at work, and 222 just now.
all these triple and quadruple numbers are making me a little crazy. and i just wrote that lottery story.
* * *
home from work.
jesus christ.
someone should have warned me about 'up'.
like five minutes in, i was bawling.
and then again. and again.
and then robbie called me.
and thought he woke me up. i was all, 'no. just crying at a movie.'
he said the rosa parks movie he watched last night made him cry.
i wrote 'sigh' and then erased it. i think it was the idea of a boy crying that i liked for a second. then i remembered that he hasn't been sleeping, so that probably explains it. not that someone wouldn't cry at the rosa parks story.
nevermind. stupid brain.
i hung up with him, and hit play, and started crying right when it restarted, because it was the last leg of the movie.
and again. and again.
i didn't see it coming, that's the thing.
i thought there was a heavy element to it, but once i got that out of the way right off the bat, i thought that it would be all chipper from there.
wrong.
i cried way more at this cartoon than i did at 500 days of summer.
ugh. then i was prepared for it.
i'm exhausted now. i feel like i've been hit by a bus.
and this couch is really uncomfortable.
but?
i have a new fridge.
that is awesome.
it hums. which is new and different.
and it doesn't pour water all over the floor.
which is also awesome.
man.
seriously.
that cartoon kicked my ass.
i'm such a sap.
so robbie called about getting a check from us, but i asked him if it was still raining, and he said that it stopped and that it's beautiful out. reminded him of driving to florida in the wintertime, and stopping in south carolina.
and i told him i was writing about fall just yesterday.
and now, a nice safe episode of the universe. and more writing exercises.
i'm determined to get another novel out of myself. i just want to create something. i really need to print out those comics and get a sketchbook. i keep forgetting about it until i want to draw, and then remembering. late at night when i can't go out and get one.
it's in the air. everyone is probably thinking it.
rtw 36. 11/8/10
twenty years later.
i'll be 52.
after a life of hard work and dedication, turned around at the last possible minute to include a dedication to saving up for the second half of my life, it feels good to be where i am.
there were dark days. a lot of them. i started a life for myself that included a husband and a dog at twenty five, when that fell apart years later, it seemed that i'd never be able to start over again.
but i did.
it's a story about making a hard decision that seemed impossible. deciding that life was too short to settle.
i met the father of my children a few years after that.
now, sending the oldest one off to college in a couple years, i can hardly recognize the life that i thought i'd be living.
i moved home after a year of flying solo in the place i'd built my new life.
the stresses of being far from family during such a shitty time made the choice easier than it would have been otherwise.
i had spent eight years working toward my dream and goal for my life. i'd racked up the experience necessary to what i'd dreamed of doing from the time i was nineteen.
at thirty four, i saw that dream come true.
i took the money i'd made from the sale of our first house, and with some help of my parents, turned it into a business that combined the things that i am passionate about: coffee and craft beer.
for the last eighteen years, i've slowly worked fewer hours, and let the business take flight. it's taken care of my family, and i hope it continues to do so.
i'm not saying that it was easy. there were times when i thought i might lose the whole thing. where i thought that i wouldn't be able to survive on the business.
but we've thrived, and can start to sit back now and reap the benefits of years of hard work and dedication.
to think back now, it's hard to believe the life i almost lived. this is such an improvement over that life.
to have a man in my life who loves me, and gave me two beautiful children. to think that i almost missed out on this part of my life is just unbelievable to me.
i'm so glad for the chance to have started over. if you'd asked me then where i thought i'd be at 52, i'd never have thought this possible.
but here i am. and this is my life.
* * *
i never really believed that one thirty second decision could change my life.
but it really did.
i was thirty two. stopped for gas at my usual gas station in delaware on my way back to philadelphia from work.
it was routine.
i stood pumping gas, and then ran inside for a drink.
it was almost my birthday. it was december third.
while i waited to pay for my drink, i saw the blinking sign for the lottery jackpot.
i didn't always buy tickets. less than half of the time, i'd add three tickets.
sometimes only one.
this time, i added three. i never played powerball, because the probabilities never worked in my favor.
so on this day, i got tickets for mega millions.
it was a friday, so i went home after work, went out to my favorite bar, and woke up saturday feeling like everything was in order. i was about to go on a hard earned vacation for two weeks. it had taken five months to save up the money i needed to go. i was also going through a divorce at the time, and it seemed i was always worrying about money. how i was going to pay for everything, and what the financial impact on my life would be.
that saturday was any ordinary saturday. i cleaned the place up, and made plans for that night. a fog was starting to lift from my life, and i had been feeling progressively better over the course of the last months before my life changed.
i went out that night, and stayed in on sunday night to try to save money. i had completely forgotten about buying the tickets, much less checking them on friday night. i didn't have tv at the time, so i certainly wasn't watching the draw.
i woke up for work on monday, like any other monday and like every other person, dreading the day.
i rode my bike in the cold to work, went about my day. rode home. unlocking the door to my shitty apartment, i remembered the tickets in my backpack, and went inside to check them. but i got distracted on my way, so it wasn't until much later that night when i finally remembered.
and i sat down to check the numbers, thinking that, like every other time, i'd get maybe one number on one ticket. a few times i'd gotten one or two numbers when it paid a $2 or $4 prize, and that had been the extent of my excitement.
so imagine my surprise when, one by one, i underlined the numbers.
i was certain it wasn't possible.
i pinched myself first. i was awake.
then i went to a different website. same numbers.
then i checked the drawing date, thinking it would make perfect sense to have the winning numbers for the wrong drawing.
i could not believe my eyes.
i called kit.
despite being beyond excited, i was actually having a panic attack.
i tempered my voice, 'hey. i need you to come over as soon as possible.'
'are you okay? what's wrong?'
'i just... i need your help.'
'i'll be right there.'
i sat on my stoop, smoking and staring at the sky.
it just was too hard to believe.
she came around the corner in a near sprint, winded.
'what is going on? are you ok?'
'yeah. sit. smoke. let me show you something.'
she sat, and lit a cigarette.
i had the ticket in my pocket.
'i need you to use your iphone magic.'
she looked at me with a frown.
'what is going on?'
'pull up mega millions delaware.'
she looked at me.
i smiled.
when she had the winning numbers up, i told her to check the date.
'december 3rd. got it.'
'i just need a second set of eyes. here.' i handed her the ticket.
she looked back and forth, from the ticket to her phone, more than seven times in total.
she looked at me with disbelief.
'holy shit.'
'yeah.'
'how much?'
'twenty five.'
'christ.'
'i know,' my hands were shaking.
'what are you going to do?'
'i don't know. sit here. smoke. drink. yeah, actually... come have a drink with me.'
so we went to favorite bar.
and had a couple beers. it was impossible to talk about anything else.
but i was trying to be quiet, and i was trying to stay calm.
it was decided then that i'd take the lump sum, almost $17 million. and i had my paper journal, writing down how i was going to split it all up.
i was going to give her a nice chunk, and nina, for being there for me and helping me through my hardest times. i'd give my parents a couple, they had helped me so many times. i'd pay for my sister's schooling, and give her a little for herself. and my brother would get a nice wedding present the next year.
and the rest was mine.
i paid off the house i owned with my ex husband, and kicked him out of it for being a dick during the time when i was being generous to him, and paid to have the divorce expedited.
i'd wanted to hold onto the house because my family had put so much time and money into the house. i thought it would be the perfect vacation home.
of course, he tried to get his hands on some of the winnings, but all i gave him was a clean slate, paying off our joint debt, and the equity i decided he deserved from the work he had done on the house.
i know that a lot of people tend to lose everything when they win the lottery.
i was actually grateful for the size of the jackpot, because it wasn't ludicrous, and it wasn't obscene. it was just right.
somehow, i wasn't even convinced that i wouldn't have to work again.
i sat with kit at the bar, tipped our favorite bartender $100, and went home to go to bed. to go to work the next day. i didn't sleep much those first couple weeks.
i had to pretend like everything was normal for a while. i didn't have the luxury of quitting my job that day. i ran a business, and i couldn't do that to the owner, and also not to my employees.
i scaled back the hours i was working. and i only had two weeks until my vacation, so i was already setting myself up.
i don't know why, but i didn't want to tell anyone.
when i went home from work that first day after knowing, i told my parents. and then i told kenna, the owner of the company i ran.
and then i contacted the lottery office to get instructions on claiming my prize.
as much as i tried to keep things the same, my life was never the same after that.
i tried to be reasonable with the winnings. i did spend on clothes and other things i didn't necessarily need.
but i wanted everything to stay as close to the same as i could. i didn't want anyone to know, because i didn't want anything to change.
and what i did with the part of the winnings i'd allocated for spending instead of saving/investing was what i'd always wanted to do.
i opened a bar and a cafe side by side. and then i went on a tour of the world. and i took a few of my friends with me. and then i went on a different tour and took my family with me.
i guess that now, looking back, that time was as stressful as it was magical.
and luckily i invested wisely back in those days.
and now, at 52, i don't ever have to work again.
i've done everything i ever wanted to do but never had the time or money for.
my life has been enriched.
i'll be 52.
after a life of hard work and dedication, turned around at the last possible minute to include a dedication to saving up for the second half of my life, it feels good to be where i am.
there were dark days. a lot of them. i started a life for myself that included a husband and a dog at twenty five, when that fell apart years later, it seemed that i'd never be able to start over again.
but i did.
it's a story about making a hard decision that seemed impossible. deciding that life was too short to settle.
i met the father of my children a few years after that.
now, sending the oldest one off to college in a couple years, i can hardly recognize the life that i thought i'd be living.
i moved home after a year of flying solo in the place i'd built my new life.
the stresses of being far from family during such a shitty time made the choice easier than it would have been otherwise.
i had spent eight years working toward my dream and goal for my life. i'd racked up the experience necessary to what i'd dreamed of doing from the time i was nineteen.
at thirty four, i saw that dream come true.
i took the money i'd made from the sale of our first house, and with some help of my parents, turned it into a business that combined the things that i am passionate about: coffee and craft beer.
for the last eighteen years, i've slowly worked fewer hours, and let the business take flight. it's taken care of my family, and i hope it continues to do so.
i'm not saying that it was easy. there were times when i thought i might lose the whole thing. where i thought that i wouldn't be able to survive on the business.
but we've thrived, and can start to sit back now and reap the benefits of years of hard work and dedication.
to think back now, it's hard to believe the life i almost lived. this is such an improvement over that life.
to have a man in my life who loves me, and gave me two beautiful children. to think that i almost missed out on this part of my life is just unbelievable to me.
i'm so glad for the chance to have started over. if you'd asked me then where i thought i'd be at 52, i'd never have thought this possible.
but here i am. and this is my life.
* * *
i never really believed that one thirty second decision could change my life.
but it really did.
i was thirty two. stopped for gas at my usual gas station in delaware on my way back to philadelphia from work.
it was routine.
i stood pumping gas, and then ran inside for a drink.
it was almost my birthday. it was december third.
while i waited to pay for my drink, i saw the blinking sign for the lottery jackpot.
i didn't always buy tickets. less than half of the time, i'd add three tickets.
sometimes only one.
this time, i added three. i never played powerball, because the probabilities never worked in my favor.
so on this day, i got tickets for mega millions.
it was a friday, so i went home after work, went out to my favorite bar, and woke up saturday feeling like everything was in order. i was about to go on a hard earned vacation for two weeks. it had taken five months to save up the money i needed to go. i was also going through a divorce at the time, and it seemed i was always worrying about money. how i was going to pay for everything, and what the financial impact on my life would be.
that saturday was any ordinary saturday. i cleaned the place up, and made plans for that night. a fog was starting to lift from my life, and i had been feeling progressively better over the course of the last months before my life changed.
i went out that night, and stayed in on sunday night to try to save money. i had completely forgotten about buying the tickets, much less checking them on friday night. i didn't have tv at the time, so i certainly wasn't watching the draw.
i woke up for work on monday, like any other monday and like every other person, dreading the day.
i rode my bike in the cold to work, went about my day. rode home. unlocking the door to my shitty apartment, i remembered the tickets in my backpack, and went inside to check them. but i got distracted on my way, so it wasn't until much later that night when i finally remembered.
and i sat down to check the numbers, thinking that, like every other time, i'd get maybe one number on one ticket. a few times i'd gotten one or two numbers when it paid a $2 or $4 prize, and that had been the extent of my excitement.
so imagine my surprise when, one by one, i underlined the numbers.
i was certain it wasn't possible.
i pinched myself first. i was awake.
then i went to a different website. same numbers.
then i checked the drawing date, thinking it would make perfect sense to have the winning numbers for the wrong drawing.
i could not believe my eyes.
i called kit.
despite being beyond excited, i was actually having a panic attack.
i tempered my voice, 'hey. i need you to come over as soon as possible.'
'are you okay? what's wrong?'
'i just... i need your help.'
'i'll be right there.'
i sat on my stoop, smoking and staring at the sky.
it just was too hard to believe.
she came around the corner in a near sprint, winded.
'what is going on? are you ok?'
'yeah. sit. smoke. let me show you something.'
she sat, and lit a cigarette.
i had the ticket in my pocket.
'i need you to use your iphone magic.'
she looked at me with a frown.
'what is going on?'
'pull up mega millions delaware.'
she looked at me.
i smiled.
when she had the winning numbers up, i told her to check the date.
'december 3rd. got it.'
'i just need a second set of eyes. here.' i handed her the ticket.
she looked back and forth, from the ticket to her phone, more than seven times in total.
she looked at me with disbelief.
'holy shit.'
'yeah.'
'how much?'
'twenty five.'
'christ.'
'i know,' my hands were shaking.
'what are you going to do?'
'i don't know. sit here. smoke. drink. yeah, actually... come have a drink with me.'
so we went to favorite bar.
and had a couple beers. it was impossible to talk about anything else.
but i was trying to be quiet, and i was trying to stay calm.
it was decided then that i'd take the lump sum, almost $17 million. and i had my paper journal, writing down how i was going to split it all up.
i was going to give her a nice chunk, and nina, for being there for me and helping me through my hardest times. i'd give my parents a couple, they had helped me so many times. i'd pay for my sister's schooling, and give her a little for herself. and my brother would get a nice wedding present the next year.
and the rest was mine.
i paid off the house i owned with my ex husband, and kicked him out of it for being a dick during the time when i was being generous to him, and paid to have the divorce expedited.
i'd wanted to hold onto the house because my family had put so much time and money into the house. i thought it would be the perfect vacation home.
of course, he tried to get his hands on some of the winnings, but all i gave him was a clean slate, paying off our joint debt, and the equity i decided he deserved from the work he had done on the house.
i know that a lot of people tend to lose everything when they win the lottery.
i was actually grateful for the size of the jackpot, because it wasn't ludicrous, and it wasn't obscene. it was just right.
somehow, i wasn't even convinced that i wouldn't have to work again.
i sat with kit at the bar, tipped our favorite bartender $100, and went home to go to bed. to go to work the next day. i didn't sleep much those first couple weeks.
i had to pretend like everything was normal for a while. i didn't have the luxury of quitting my job that day. i ran a business, and i couldn't do that to the owner, and also not to my employees.
i scaled back the hours i was working. and i only had two weeks until my vacation, so i was already setting myself up.
i don't know why, but i didn't want to tell anyone.
when i went home from work that first day after knowing, i told my parents. and then i told kenna, the owner of the company i ran.
and then i contacted the lottery office to get instructions on claiming my prize.
as much as i tried to keep things the same, my life was never the same after that.
i tried to be reasonable with the winnings. i did spend on clothes and other things i didn't necessarily need.
but i wanted everything to stay as close to the same as i could. i didn't want anyone to know, because i didn't want anything to change.
and what i did with the part of the winnings i'd allocated for spending instead of saving/investing was what i'd always wanted to do.
i opened a bar and a cafe side by side. and then i went on a tour of the world. and i took a few of my friends with me. and then i went on a different tour and took my family with me.
i guess that now, looking back, that time was as stressful as it was magical.
and luckily i invested wisely back in those days.
and now, at 52, i don't ever have to work again.
i've done everything i ever wanted to do but never had the time or money for.
my life has been enriched.
rtw 141. 11/7/10
seasons.
my favorite season is fall.
it has been since i was very little. fall always meant halloween, and halloween always means thanksgiving and christmas were on their way.
but my most memorable fall was the one when i fell in love in the fall.
i thought i was in love before that. but nothing in my life has lasted as long as the fall that i was 19.
(it's funny, too that i just dreamt of christopher evan last night. very random. very strange.)
coming off the heels of the best summer of my life, which is saying a lot growing up in florida, fall happened to me.
the things that evoke those memories are many. and now i see them and feel them and smell them every year. it has never changed.
most of them involve the sky.
cloudy days that made me dig sweaters out of storage. that first crisp day. the way the air lost the smell of wet, cut grass, and didn't smell of anything in particular. the drop of humidity made me just feel the temperature, instead of being helped by the sense of smell.
things were so exciting then, and the smells i infused with those memories were the smell of coffee on my clothes from working my first coffee job with nina and brownies. which turned into the smell of pumpkin and nutmeg and cheesecake baking. the smell of cider in a crock pot in mom's kitchen. the smell of burning champa and sandalwood alternately.
it wasn't cold enough yet to smell fires burning in fireplaces.
it is when i became obsessed with the night sky, orion in particular. and meteor showers. and it shaped my life since, especially in this last year of my life. a thirst for knowledge then, which only scratched the surface of what i know and learn now.
it's the sounds of fall. the quiet in the neighborhood because the kids were called in early. replaced by a soundtrack that i will always cling to, and have been thinking of lately, but fighting off. 'august and everything after', 'dulcinea', 'fight for your mind'. which replaced the summer soundtrack of happy repetition: 'retreat from the sun', 'weezer', and 'return of the rentals'.
it was the first fall of coffee, followed by a few more, until they became my history, my past.
and there was a cold to be caught, when the weather changed in florida. not so much allergies, as being run down and susceptible to catching something that was going around. it has always been the season when i feel most energized and inspired, into my adult life. a general lack of sleep, in exchange for a catalog of written things, and drawn things.
it's a tired subject. i write about it too much to be happy about it. but at the same time, it is a source for me that i will always come back to. even when i fight it, it is in my subconscious, and always fights its way back out again.
my favorite season is fall.
it has been since i was very little. fall always meant halloween, and halloween always means thanksgiving and christmas were on their way.
but my most memorable fall was the one when i fell in love in the fall.
i thought i was in love before that. but nothing in my life has lasted as long as the fall that i was 19.
(it's funny, too that i just dreamt of christopher evan last night. very random. very strange.)
coming off the heels of the best summer of my life, which is saying a lot growing up in florida, fall happened to me.
the things that evoke those memories are many. and now i see them and feel them and smell them every year. it has never changed.
most of them involve the sky.
cloudy days that made me dig sweaters out of storage. that first crisp day. the way the air lost the smell of wet, cut grass, and didn't smell of anything in particular. the drop of humidity made me just feel the temperature, instead of being helped by the sense of smell.
things were so exciting then, and the smells i infused with those memories were the smell of coffee on my clothes from working my first coffee job with nina and brownies. which turned into the smell of pumpkin and nutmeg and cheesecake baking. the smell of cider in a crock pot in mom's kitchen. the smell of burning champa and sandalwood alternately.
it wasn't cold enough yet to smell fires burning in fireplaces.
it is when i became obsessed with the night sky, orion in particular. and meteor showers. and it shaped my life since, especially in this last year of my life. a thirst for knowledge then, which only scratched the surface of what i know and learn now.
it's the sounds of fall. the quiet in the neighborhood because the kids were called in early. replaced by a soundtrack that i will always cling to, and have been thinking of lately, but fighting off. 'august and everything after', 'dulcinea', 'fight for your mind'. which replaced the summer soundtrack of happy repetition: 'retreat from the sun', 'weezer', and 'return of the rentals'.
it was the first fall of coffee, followed by a few more, until they became my history, my past.
and there was a cold to be caught, when the weather changed in florida. not so much allergies, as being run down and susceptible to catching something that was going around. it has always been the season when i feel most energized and inspired, into my adult life. a general lack of sleep, in exchange for a catalog of written things, and drawn things.
it's a tired subject. i write about it too much to be happy about it. but at the same time, it is a source for me that i will always come back to. even when i fight it, it is in my subconscious, and always fights its way back out again.
new socks. november 7th.
i'm watching alice in wonderland. the tim burton version. on netflix. because today i decided that i needed something other than internet tv and movies.
i need to be up and out of bed more, and this is sure to do the trick.
though it's only a slight improvement over being in bed, it's something. so glad i took the wii when i left.
i don't have to spend time seeking out episodes of shows online.
and i can see all the movies i've missed for so long.
i'm excited. and it's nine dollars a month. which is just awesome.
now if i can just cancel my wasteful gym membership, i'll be ahead.
today was a different kind of a sunday. i did a few things i don't usually do.
laundry is usually a friday afternoon or saturday morning thing. but today, it was a sunday morning thing.
then i rode my bike. which i rarely ever do on the weekend. i guess that i know i'm not riding to work two days this week, so i thought i would get some riding in today.
alice was working at the game store in center city, and i told her i'd come keep her company for a while today. i'd been wanting to buy bananagrams, so i rode there. and it's across the street from h&m, which is somewhere i'd really been wanting to spend a little chunk of money.
so i window shopped and saw a lot of sweaters i liked. hung with alice for a while, covered her while she ate. goofed off.
then i went to h&m. but when i went in, the only sweater i could find in the store that i saw in the window didn't look right on. so i bought socks. lots of them. ten pair.
in has been in the thirties at night for a couple weeks now. and fourties and fifties in the day. so it's time to put away the crocs and bust out the boots.
i needed socks. wicked bad. i'd thrown all my holey ones away, and have been using only a couple pair that i had.
and though i probably didn't need the really cute pair of underwear, they were too cute to leave in the store. now i'll have to visit alice again and step across to try on the matching bra...
and that was the extent of my shopping.
until i passed bath and body works. which has a really nice warm amber smell to replace the one i'm so close to finishing off.
so there was that, too.
there's something to be said for retail therapy, but i didn't really get anything out of my system, because i didn't buy jeans or sweaters, or anything i wanted. i only bought things i needed.
and bananagrams.
now i just need someone to play with.
it was a bit like being transported back in time, being in the game store. there were so many awesome toys and games and things i'd forgotten about or never seen or heard of.
and now i have accumulated apples to apples, scrabble, and bananagrams, so i am inspired to start a game night.
there were things for desks, calendars for anyone and everyone. board games, classic games, rubiks cubes and silly putty.
i enjoyed being there, and spending time with alice. i need to do that more often.
then i rode home.
and made food. if you can call it that.
and started alice in wonderland.
i really never liked the original movie. and i also really don't care for this one. but i've started it, so now i'll finish it.
i've really been wanting to see 'neverending story' lately. i have seen it referenced a few times, and it used to be one of my favorite movies when i was small. that, and 'flight of the navigator'.
i had intended to help robbie this weekend, only he didn't call me, so i didn't call him. i'll see him tomorrow.
maybe i didn't really mean it when i said i'd help him. i thought i had all this time, and on the days now when i have time to spare, i just can't do it.
i want to help, but i get tired from working too much. and i guess i also feel like i can't do anything to really help. i have no balance in my life.
maybe i can just go by and say hi or something.
i feel like a jerk.
i really want to be a person of my word. but when it comes to this, i just can't come through.
i don't have much else to say. i'm emotionally drained and crampy. and all i want is to go to the bar. but i'm not.
and because i'm so smart? i thought that the sun would set later when i set my clock back. i was shocked when it was getting dark at 5. really uncool. i guess it's the spring time change that i love. it's certainly not this one. when i was ready for bed at 630, now that becomes 530.
only now i have 8 million things to watch. this is dangerous. four seasons of the universe? i didn't know there were that many! sensory overload...
i've actually been wanting to write about my thoughts since i watched all the episodes of cosmic journeys and the universe and a few nova that were on hulu. my mind gets blown every time.
back to the regularly scheduled programming. this is the best distraction. ever.
i need to be up and out of bed more, and this is sure to do the trick.
though it's only a slight improvement over being in bed, it's something. so glad i took the wii when i left.
i don't have to spend time seeking out episodes of shows online.
and i can see all the movies i've missed for so long.
i'm excited. and it's nine dollars a month. which is just awesome.
now if i can just cancel my wasteful gym membership, i'll be ahead.
today was a different kind of a sunday. i did a few things i don't usually do.
laundry is usually a friday afternoon or saturday morning thing. but today, it was a sunday morning thing.
then i rode my bike. which i rarely ever do on the weekend. i guess that i know i'm not riding to work two days this week, so i thought i would get some riding in today.
alice was working at the game store in center city, and i told her i'd come keep her company for a while today. i'd been wanting to buy bananagrams, so i rode there. and it's across the street from h&m, which is somewhere i'd really been wanting to spend a little chunk of money.
so i window shopped and saw a lot of sweaters i liked. hung with alice for a while, covered her while she ate. goofed off.
then i went to h&m. but when i went in, the only sweater i could find in the store that i saw in the window didn't look right on. so i bought socks. lots of them. ten pair.
in has been in the thirties at night for a couple weeks now. and fourties and fifties in the day. so it's time to put away the crocs and bust out the boots.
i needed socks. wicked bad. i'd thrown all my holey ones away, and have been using only a couple pair that i had.
and though i probably didn't need the really cute pair of underwear, they were too cute to leave in the store. now i'll have to visit alice again and step across to try on the matching bra...
and that was the extent of my shopping.
until i passed bath and body works. which has a really nice warm amber smell to replace the one i'm so close to finishing off.
so there was that, too.
there's something to be said for retail therapy, but i didn't really get anything out of my system, because i didn't buy jeans or sweaters, or anything i wanted. i only bought things i needed.
and bananagrams.
now i just need someone to play with.
it was a bit like being transported back in time, being in the game store. there were so many awesome toys and games and things i'd forgotten about or never seen or heard of.
and now i have accumulated apples to apples, scrabble, and bananagrams, so i am inspired to start a game night.
there were things for desks, calendars for anyone and everyone. board games, classic games, rubiks cubes and silly putty.
i enjoyed being there, and spending time with alice. i need to do that more often.
then i rode home.
and made food. if you can call it that.
and started alice in wonderland.
i really never liked the original movie. and i also really don't care for this one. but i've started it, so now i'll finish it.
i've really been wanting to see 'neverending story' lately. i have seen it referenced a few times, and it used to be one of my favorite movies when i was small. that, and 'flight of the navigator'.
i had intended to help robbie this weekend, only he didn't call me, so i didn't call him. i'll see him tomorrow.
maybe i didn't really mean it when i said i'd help him. i thought i had all this time, and on the days now when i have time to spare, i just can't do it.
i want to help, but i get tired from working too much. and i guess i also feel like i can't do anything to really help. i have no balance in my life.
maybe i can just go by and say hi or something.
i feel like a jerk.
i really want to be a person of my word. but when it comes to this, i just can't come through.
i don't have much else to say. i'm emotionally drained and crampy. and all i want is to go to the bar. but i'm not.
and because i'm so smart? i thought that the sun would set later when i set my clock back. i was shocked when it was getting dark at 5. really uncool. i guess it's the spring time change that i love. it's certainly not this one. when i was ready for bed at 630, now that becomes 530.
only now i have 8 million things to watch. this is dangerous. four seasons of the universe? i didn't know there were that many! sensory overload...
i've actually been wanting to write about my thoughts since i watched all the episodes of cosmic journeys and the universe and a few nova that were on hulu. my mind gets blown every time.
back to the regularly scheduled programming. this is the best distraction. ever.
survival. november 6th.
he is just gone.
and i doubt he'll ever be back when i'm back.
today was crazy.
good crazy, but crazy. little things were lining up.
i laid around this morning after not sleeping in as late as i wanted.
i thought about last night, trying to feel less sad, which wasn't hard to do. last night sucked.
i realize how much faith i have in something good happening to me. and i know all too well that things happen when you don't expect them to.
and i walked to where my car was parked, and moved it back to the street by my apartment. had some coffee and food, and then packed up to leave for the bridge opening.
i knew there would be a lot of people there, then doubted it. and as i got within a few blocks, i realized that it was going to be quite a party. and as per the usual, people in philadelphia drink at any opportunity. apparently, the bridge opening was a pretty good reason to drink.
lauren met me at three, and after walking the bridge alone and taking picures for an hour, when i met her, we went again. listened to the mayor speak through drunken shouting. and headed to a bar to join the festivities.
had an awesome burger that i hadn't had in a while. when the bar got flooded and the service continued to suck, we paid the tab and left. the server didn't have our beers on the tab, so we left happier than we were going to leave, and went to the fancier bar for a second beer.
and i had another half pint after that, then switched to seltzer to avoid being swervy. i walked her to her train after several hours of great company. it felt good to be out and in the thick of the fun with a friend who can relate to most of what i've been going through.
walking back, i was in alice's neighborhood. i'd intended to go home and watch another tearjerker of a movie, but as i passed the diviest dive bar in the city, she said she was inside. so i joined her for two beers.
it was a day of having beers with friends. i didn't overdo it by any stretch, i paced myself exquisitely well, and didn't even have a buzz when i walked home from there.
seeing alice was awesome, though our stories competed for the title of 'worst week in a long time'.
commiserating with a friend at the bar is so much easier than drinking alone at the bar and trying to hide my misery.
and i wonder, after the conversations i had today, if it is out of necessity that i'm so content to sleep alone.
i was afraid of it in the beginning. i know i must have felt less safe for a while, not having a man in the bed to keep me safe and watch out for me.
ever slept like the dead, so i guess i didn't feel much safer with him there. maybe that was the trick to it.
but when someone shares my bed with me, i don't sleep. it happened when chalk was here, and it happened my entire life before him.
i have always been the girl that watches the boy sleep. the heavy chest, the quiet snoring. eyelid movements. contact with another warm body wakes me up again, and nuzzling is substituted for sleep.
i don't know. i'm glad it's that way, because if it wasn't, i think nine months into a cold bed would be killing me by now. eight months ago today, i left ever.
i realized that at the bar with alice.
it's been a long, long time.
and i think that's why i'm letting myself think about possibilities.
i don't care that the divorce isn't final.
i know that almost everyone i know who has either gone through one, or a breakup that feels like one, didn't wait very long to start seeking out someone to fill that void.
i'm almost at a year, it's true. in three short months, i'll be at that day.
so i guess i need to cut myself some slack, and let myself have some fun, if by some small miracle, fun finds its way into my life again. in the form of a boy.
i'm going to be okay. it's okay to be this sad. i'm supposed to be, from what i can tell.
it's okay that this week made me not want to get out of bed. at all. any day this week. it's okay that it's a struggle to get up and go to work.
it's okay that there have been a run of weeks since september where i didn't feel like things were ever going to get better. that every week, i tell myself, 'if i can just survive this week, next week will be easier'. and that every week, it's harder than the one before.
it says something that i still tell myself the same thing every week, to get to the other end of it. and that the week ends, and the weekend begins, and i feel worse, but somehow better. relieved of real life for a couple days.
as sick of this all as i am becoming, i'm glad that i'm doing this well, i guess. yeah, i'm drinking, but who doesn't when they go through something similar. i haven't made any drunken mistakes, except for the one where my inaction was my mistake.
i haven't compromised what i want for myself. in fact, i have proven to myself that if it is just sex that i want, i am capable of getting that, without complicating it like i was afraid that i would.
and now, all i'm saying, is that i'm okay with letting things get complicated, if the situation arises.
everywhere i walked today, in a sea of maybe a thousand people, give or take, i was looking for that little white knit hat, atop the head of a boy who is barely taller than me. and i saw my stalker, and a few customers. and no boy in a white hat.
it's okay to want more of that night.
and i don't have to go to the same bar every night to run into him.
if i'm supposed to, i will.
if there is such a thing as fate or destiny or whatever you want to name it.
and if i don't, then all i can do is tell myself that his version of complicating things is not what i am supposed to experience. maybe he is a total dick, and was just working me. maybe it's what he does.
it didn't feel that way, but i am a professional at attaching meaning and feelings to things which don't deserve or demand them.
i think that is why that movie upset me so much.
i just put so much thought and energy and emotion into something so insignificant. and i get carried away.
but, like nina said in her post to me, i am learning. and there's going to be a learning curve, and maybe this boy was it for me.
maybe i'm only at the first plotted point on the graph, at the beginning of the curve that will incline steeply. maybe i'm in the middle. until i am in a situation that is more than just one tiny window of conversation, there might not be a way to tell.
but somewhere out there, there is a boy who i'll be allowed to like. and it will be nice to be liked back.
in the deleted scenes, there was a part about saying 'i love you'. in a girl to boy kindof a way. and i can't really picture myself having feelings that strong for someone. and that makes me feel like i'm doing okay with this whole thing.
i heard someone say it on the phone behind me today, and i almost turned around to look at the guy, because it sounded foreign to me. i say it to my friends all the time. but it's almost like i just forgot that boys can say it to girls that they care about.
i feel much more even keeled tonight. i'm not going to lie - it's cold as shit outside. and i would love to be warmed up by a cute boy.
but tonight doesn't feel as lonely as last night did.
and i have my friends to thank for that.
lauren, alice. thank you for saving me from myself today.
i needed it. i don't think i could have taken another night alone, the way i felt last night.
i'm here if you need me. and i would be delighted to return the favor.
it was a shitty week.
maybe this week will be better.
tomorrow will be okay. whatever happens.
and i will survive this week.
just like the one before. and just like the one before that.
i guess i'm back to using mantras again. it's been a while...
and i doubt he'll ever be back when i'm back.
today was crazy.
good crazy, but crazy. little things were lining up.
i laid around this morning after not sleeping in as late as i wanted.
i thought about last night, trying to feel less sad, which wasn't hard to do. last night sucked.
i realize how much faith i have in something good happening to me. and i know all too well that things happen when you don't expect them to.
and i walked to where my car was parked, and moved it back to the street by my apartment. had some coffee and food, and then packed up to leave for the bridge opening.
i knew there would be a lot of people there, then doubted it. and as i got within a few blocks, i realized that it was going to be quite a party. and as per the usual, people in philadelphia drink at any opportunity. apparently, the bridge opening was a pretty good reason to drink.
lauren met me at three, and after walking the bridge alone and taking picures for an hour, when i met her, we went again. listened to the mayor speak through drunken shouting. and headed to a bar to join the festivities.
had an awesome burger that i hadn't had in a while. when the bar got flooded and the service continued to suck, we paid the tab and left. the server didn't have our beers on the tab, so we left happier than we were going to leave, and went to the fancier bar for a second beer.
and i had another half pint after that, then switched to seltzer to avoid being swervy. i walked her to her train after several hours of great company. it felt good to be out and in the thick of the fun with a friend who can relate to most of what i've been going through.
walking back, i was in alice's neighborhood. i'd intended to go home and watch another tearjerker of a movie, but as i passed the diviest dive bar in the city, she said she was inside. so i joined her for two beers.
it was a day of having beers with friends. i didn't overdo it by any stretch, i paced myself exquisitely well, and didn't even have a buzz when i walked home from there.
seeing alice was awesome, though our stories competed for the title of 'worst week in a long time'.
commiserating with a friend at the bar is so much easier than drinking alone at the bar and trying to hide my misery.
and i wonder, after the conversations i had today, if it is out of necessity that i'm so content to sleep alone.
i was afraid of it in the beginning. i know i must have felt less safe for a while, not having a man in the bed to keep me safe and watch out for me.
ever slept like the dead, so i guess i didn't feel much safer with him there. maybe that was the trick to it.
but when someone shares my bed with me, i don't sleep. it happened when chalk was here, and it happened my entire life before him.
i have always been the girl that watches the boy sleep. the heavy chest, the quiet snoring. eyelid movements. contact with another warm body wakes me up again, and nuzzling is substituted for sleep.
i don't know. i'm glad it's that way, because if it wasn't, i think nine months into a cold bed would be killing me by now. eight months ago today, i left ever.
i realized that at the bar with alice.
it's been a long, long time.
and i think that's why i'm letting myself think about possibilities.
i don't care that the divorce isn't final.
i know that almost everyone i know who has either gone through one, or a breakup that feels like one, didn't wait very long to start seeking out someone to fill that void.
i'm almost at a year, it's true. in three short months, i'll be at that day.
so i guess i need to cut myself some slack, and let myself have some fun, if by some small miracle, fun finds its way into my life again. in the form of a boy.
i'm going to be okay. it's okay to be this sad. i'm supposed to be, from what i can tell.
it's okay that this week made me not want to get out of bed. at all. any day this week. it's okay that it's a struggle to get up and go to work.
it's okay that there have been a run of weeks since september where i didn't feel like things were ever going to get better. that every week, i tell myself, 'if i can just survive this week, next week will be easier'. and that every week, it's harder than the one before.
it says something that i still tell myself the same thing every week, to get to the other end of it. and that the week ends, and the weekend begins, and i feel worse, but somehow better. relieved of real life for a couple days.
as sick of this all as i am becoming, i'm glad that i'm doing this well, i guess. yeah, i'm drinking, but who doesn't when they go through something similar. i haven't made any drunken mistakes, except for the one where my inaction was my mistake.
i haven't compromised what i want for myself. in fact, i have proven to myself that if it is just sex that i want, i am capable of getting that, without complicating it like i was afraid that i would.
and now, all i'm saying, is that i'm okay with letting things get complicated, if the situation arises.
everywhere i walked today, in a sea of maybe a thousand people, give or take, i was looking for that little white knit hat, atop the head of a boy who is barely taller than me. and i saw my stalker, and a few customers. and no boy in a white hat.
it's okay to want more of that night.
and i don't have to go to the same bar every night to run into him.
if i'm supposed to, i will.
if there is such a thing as fate or destiny or whatever you want to name it.
and if i don't, then all i can do is tell myself that his version of complicating things is not what i am supposed to experience. maybe he is a total dick, and was just working me. maybe it's what he does.
it didn't feel that way, but i am a professional at attaching meaning and feelings to things which don't deserve or demand them.
i think that is why that movie upset me so much.
i just put so much thought and energy and emotion into something so insignificant. and i get carried away.
but, like nina said in her post to me, i am learning. and there's going to be a learning curve, and maybe this boy was it for me.
maybe i'm only at the first plotted point on the graph, at the beginning of the curve that will incline steeply. maybe i'm in the middle. until i am in a situation that is more than just one tiny window of conversation, there might not be a way to tell.
but somewhere out there, there is a boy who i'll be allowed to like. and it will be nice to be liked back.
in the deleted scenes, there was a part about saying 'i love you'. in a girl to boy kindof a way. and i can't really picture myself having feelings that strong for someone. and that makes me feel like i'm doing okay with this whole thing.
i heard someone say it on the phone behind me today, and i almost turned around to look at the guy, because it sounded foreign to me. i say it to my friends all the time. but it's almost like i just forgot that boys can say it to girls that they care about.
i feel much more even keeled tonight. i'm not going to lie - it's cold as shit outside. and i would love to be warmed up by a cute boy.
but tonight doesn't feel as lonely as last night did.
and i have my friends to thank for that.
lauren, alice. thank you for saving me from myself today.
i needed it. i don't think i could have taken another night alone, the way i felt last night.
i'm here if you need me. and i would be delighted to return the favor.
it was a shitty week.
maybe this week will be better.
tomorrow will be okay. whatever happens.
and i will survive this week.
just like the one before. and just like the one before that.
i guess i'm back to using mantras again. it's been a while...
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