dull. august 7th.

i don't know what happened.

it was early in the afternoon. kit and i were walking. everything was fine. i commented on how nice a day it was.

then we came back to my-your, which seems the wrong name for it now that it's only kit's (your) place.

it has been lovely.

last night, i started a load of laundry after taking her to the ups hub. it took her a solid hour to get two packages. i waited in the car with the air on. and i wrote. and i wrote and i wrote.

i didn't even realize it had been an hour. though i did make it through more than one better vision comp, so i knew it had been a while.

but it felt so good to write on paper. i never do that. not for that long. i guess at the house might have been the last time. or at vet store right after the writer came and went.

but it was nice. and she was so apologetic. and i couldn't say enough... 'no. really. i needed that.'

there's just so much i wanted to say that i can't write on here. too private. secrets. too personal. the darker thoughts. the stuff at the core of it.

and it felt good to get it all out on paper. so i don't feel like i'm kidding myself into thinking that i'm ignoring things or downplaying things that i think. it's not so much what i feel. it's how things that were said made me feel, physically.

but other than that, it was all the stuff that is just too much to share. things that i will keep and hold. and never tell a soul.

and it's all down and out of my system now. and i felt lighter and better afterwards.

today, though? i don't know what happened. we came back and now i feel like a deflated balloon.

it's not that there's something else i'd rather be doing. this is pretty much it. relaxing. writing. music. i made two batches of brownies.

they're going in the mail on monday. because i missed the cutoff today. when i realized that i was going to, i think that's when i got a little sad.

i have everything to ship.

i just need to write letters and notes on paper.

aubree has a gift. nina has a few little things. brownies, too. and this boy tony that went to high school with me. he sent me some r.e.m. dvd's of tour footage that i used to own but lost along the way. so i made brownies for him.

i couldn't make the cutoff today because i'm in limbo with mixed cds. i owe everyone mixed cds. and because the black turtle is a piece of shit, i can't burn cds off of it. so i'm basically recreating all my mixes on black top.

which is going to take forever. but that's what i need to be doing right now, along with tomorrow. just line em up and knock em down.

i don't know what my problem is. i think i have wanted to cry since chalk left and just haven't had a reason to. it's more a feeling than anything else.

and i spent the morning wanting to go out tonight, but resigned myself to a night alone, in, because i had no one to go out with. i put out an all points bulletin and only chalk had something to say about it, a smart ass remark. nothing helpful.

so now kit's saying maybe we'll go out. and i don't know if i even feel like it anymore. sad tea has taken over. it's like i know i'm so full of shit, all this talk about hooking up with random dudes and having sex with people i don't know.

i wish i was the type of person who could. because it would be so much more fun than sitting around thinking about the fact that i'm just not.

i'm gathering information right now. i'm learning.

and i'm too afraid to go out hunting all alone. so i doubt i'll go hunting ever.

i'll just sit and act like i'm not waiting for chalk to come back.

i can't believe it's been a week. one week ago, i'd had sex like six times by this point in my weekend. and i couldn't stop giggling and smiling and laughing.

this is in stark contrast to that.

last night, kit was trying to talk some sense into me at the bar, over the dinner and beer she bought me in an effort to make up for sitting and waiting at ups, which was totally unnecessary. but she dropped this gem on me. and i laughed for a long time after.

'if you're redlining on the i need penis meter, you're gonna have to go for it.'

meaning, i'm going to have to go to one of the nine places she rattled off to me, where i can meet a boy. as long as i keep in mind that i'm not really in a place to have standards.

yes, i can have standards to a point. not a rapist. not going to drug me. no tag-teaming with a friend.

but beyond that, not the hottest guy. and i probably can't avoid the popped collars. i don't really get a say. because if i do, it's too much like dating. and then i've not only gone against my word, but also let myself down.

so it is, with a heavy-ish heart for no good reason, that i sign off.

i'm going to write a bunch of letters to people who mean a lot to me, but live too far away to hug.

and then i'm going to package up a bunch of fantastically delicious brownies and send them all out. they're all invariably going to florida. except the ones that i ate. and the one that kit ate.

maybe i'm just a little homesick or something. maybe thinking about everyone back home is what's making me feel a little blue.

really, i just feel quiet. laying on kit's bed while she organizes her life into neat little bins and bags. sorting through things that she's been moving around for years, without a reason to.

this is what i do. i do laundry and cook for us and bake in her oven, because it works. and she lets me. and she cleans when i'm here. and i help her clean her place so it's done in half the time.

it's a great best friendship. neither of us feels like we're doing any huge favor for the other. but we're both giving each other exactly what we need.

including icy cold beers. i'll have another one of those now, please.

tgif: laundry night. august 6th.

i've been thinking a lot.

i'm still totally baffled as to why ever thought he needed to say that to me yesterday.

and all i could come up with is that he must be taking a girl to that show.

it's the only logical explanation for why he'd want to be 100% sure that i'm not going. but i don't even understand that, really. because it seems like he would love it if i ran into him with another girl.

i don't know. any way i think about it, or look at it, up close or from far away, it doesn't make sense.

but i guess that is the point. none of it makes a bit of sense.

so because of this, i'm now the butt of a whole new set of jokes. which i guess is good, because making light of shit always makes it easier.

mom sent a picture text of a little girl's bike, saying that i have new wheels in case ever gets the car in the divorce. and a whole slew of restraining order jokes, too.

like i said. better to laugh than to cry. if i understood the logic, maybe it would make me cry. but for now, i just walk around perplexed. like the dumb server at mom's. one eyebrow up and eyes to the sky, as if taking your order for a pbr tallboy is like a quadratic equation.

today was easy. and that was a welcome relief. i like it when my week works out that way. i prefer to get the hard stuff over with on monday and tuesday, so that by the time it's friday, only the easy stuff is left.

the craziest thing happened this morning. last week, i ran into alice's roommate on my way in.

today i was walking my bike, smoking, like i do every morning on my way to work, after i pass the 2/3's mark.

and there was this boy walking up the sidewalk toward me. i say boy, but he was a man.

and he was hot. and i was checking him out. and he got closer and i smiled at him. and he said,'hey. can i ask you a question, since you have a bike?'

which didn't make any sense, but okay... he took off his sunglasses. just a fetching chunk of man to see so early in the morning.


'can i walk to center city from here?'

and it would have been the perfect time to use that wretched pickup line about being lost. but i didn't. in fact, i just helped him, without flirting.

'you can, but it's far and you're going to the wrong direction.'

so i got him turned around, and told him how to get there from where we were, and warned him about how far it was. he said he had a lot of time to spare.

he thanked me, and i told him to have a nice day and watched him walk away.

pam said i should have told him that my place was on the way. which made me laugh.

yeah. today was a good day.

aside from that, it's laundry night at kit's. with some tallboys and a helping hand to get her apartment back to where it needs to be.

friday nights in always seem so sad to me. but at least i'll clean every piece of clothing. and have clean linens again.

maybe we'll make it out. maybe we'll get lucky. maybe we'll run into some dudes who are looking for smart sweet gals like us.

maybe i'll run into the lost guy from this morning.

i also fell in love yesterday at work. i was walking to my car after work. and this boy biked past me. same thing as this morning, i noticed him and eyed him and then smiled.

he did smile back as he pushed up the hill past me. black bike with yellow handlebar tape. he was so cute. he had to have been australian, because he looked a little bit like heath ledger. tan and well put together.

it's the strangest thing, feeling like i've been blind for so long, and like i have just been given the gift of sight again.

and like half the men and guys and boys around me are just beautiful. everywhere i look, i see things i like and want to look at more.

yet, aside from admiring hot boys all day, every day, i can't seem to stop thinking about chalk.

and to be perfectly clear: NOT in that way. not in the relationship kind of a way.

but just wishing for it to be last weekend all over again.

just wishing to have that man in my bed again.

it's so unfair to be so far from my one buddy. i wish i knew how to find another, so i could start again with someone else, and so i could focus on someone else.

but the risk i run with that is falling for the next one. which is why chalk is the best thing ever. i run no risk of falling for him. he's mysterious, and only opened up to me a little bit since i saw him in florida, and since. but that is where it stops.

i'm so relieved. i was afraid that something else would mill around in my head. but nothing else is. i just want it back. because it was good. and i was happy for a few days. and occupied.

i didn't think about going out, i didn't think about anything but wants and needs.

i don't want to talk about it, because that makes it worse. i don't want to think about it, because that makes me want to talk about it. i thought it would be easier after. but it's just not.

i have no plans for this weekend. i'd like to see alice, and have her over to my place finally, but i don't know if she will make it.

i will sleep. but whatever. that's boring. i'd love to go dancing, but feel i have no one to go with. and that i should save up that energy for next weekend.

dancing when nina was here was just so good. i'm too tired today to feel like going there tomorrow. but maybe tomorrow i'll feel better. or maybe i'll go see a movie alone.

next week is going to be a huge waste of my time. and the week after that, too. i'll need something to write about, because this is too boring to prolong, and i'm feeling uninspired. i'll come up with something.

or just read 85 books.

either way, it's going to suck and drag on forever.

but for today, it's the weekend.

commencing friday night laundry in 3.. 2.. 1..

a sure thing. august 5th.

i'm not a betting woman.

but if i was, there are a few things i'd bet on.

first, i'd bet that ever is going to try to fuck me in the divorce, since he'll never fuck me in real life again.

i got this random text message today. after a month and a half without any interaction from ever. which was nice while it lasted. i should have known that it would be good when it finally happened.

it was this three page text. and it started by asking if i was going to the cd release show for this band i know.

and that he hoped i wouldn't because he doesn't think he wants to see me until the divorce is final. and that i shouldn't go to his place of work (which is now defined as any bar or club or house where he is, any night of the week when he might be there). and that his lawyer recommended getting a restraining order against me.


that's funny. because i am nearly certain that i have successfully avoided any place where he might be for the last six months, unless i was going to the house to get something or picking up the pup. but not in the last two months.

if i had gone to the shows i wanted to go to, i could understand.

but i respected his asshole wishes, and steered clear.

and now this little nugget.

so i did what i'm best at.

i said, 'i don't want to be anywhere that you are. no order necessary.'

and he said, 'thanks!'

with an exclamation mark.

after a long pause.

what a fucking dumbass.

i hate him.

so that was that.

also, i'd be willing to bet that it will be measured in weeks: the amount of time before chalk comes back.

every day is one day closer to more sex. tonight after a couple beers at the bar, i texted him that i wondered if he was here for more than two and a half days, if he would be able to keep up. because life without sex everyday is fucking bullshit.

last night he asked if he could come back and be my boy toy for two weeks. i told him he can't stay two weeks.

kit laughed today when i said that i thought having him here last weekend would release my tension and help my problem. instead, now i want sex even more than before, and more often. and handling things myself just doesn't fix it either.

so there's that.

and, i'd go out on a limb to say that i'll date someone before valentine's day. because tonight, i was entirely aware that i want a boyfriend. maybe not a boyfriend. but someone to date. someone to sleep with repeatedly.

it's not anyone i know. or have recently met. or anything like that.

but being out tonight and seeing the cute bartender i like, who works at a different bar, was hard. i am nearly certain he has a dumb blonde girlfriend from jersey. but he looked so cute. i wanted to buy him a drink secretly, but kit wouldn't let me.

so i just kept making eyes at him when he wasn't looking. and i know he saw me in the background, but didn't see my eyes. and when i say 'like', i just mean 'think is hot', because i haven't said more than a handful of words to him ever.

and when we went outside, i did that thing where i was facing kit's friend who was standing right in front of him. being funny and laughing loudly in his general direction.

man. he is hot. and he doesn't even care to notice that i think so.

aside from all that estrogen-laden shit, there's another thing...

the story i keep forgetting to tell about my friend deb.

i have this friend deb. she's in her early sixties, i guess. an o.r. nurse at the store i used to work at. she is one of the most wonderful people i've ever met. if i'd seen her outside of work, i'd call her one of my closest friends.

we talk art. she's just the sweetest and most giving person on the planet.

and a couple days ago, i got a text from cat saying that she'd been beaten by cops and arrested.

i had to ask three times if we were talking about the same deb.

then today, i ran into her. and cried a little with her.

there was a motorcycle accident. she passed it. and stopped to help before anyone else had gotten there.

being accustomed to things you see in the operating room, and being a nurse, she helped. i guess she was stabilizing the guy when the first lady cop showed up.

and according to the story in the paper, that was also on the news, the cop's story went something like this:

she approached deb and told her repeatedly to step away from the victim, who deb was shaking and moving. and when she wouldn't stop shaking him and moving him, the cop had to push her to the ground to get her off of him. and when that happened, she resisted arrest. and when she was being handcuffed, deb pinched her hand with the handcuffs. and also said that deb never stated that she was a nurse.

so she was charged with resisting arrest and assaulting an officer. and spent a day in jail i guess.

obviously, this isn't what happened. and the fact that now deb has all this legal bullshit to deal with is just unbelievable. she had her husband take pictures of her, because the woman roughed her up and smashed her face into the ground when she was arresting her.

then she cried about her brother in law dying. she'd been fighting this fight for him for a few months now. some ordeal with insurance trying to not pay his bills while he was dying in the hospital. they wouldn't pay for treatment and care. and she was essentially being his advocate. and got him into mayo clinic. in florida, i think. that might be wrong.

but she was about to go for a visit, and one day in the last couple weeks, he was in the hospital. and someone was cleaning earwax from his ear and introduced some crazy fungus. and it killed him. they tried doing this drastic surgery (i forget the name she used, radical something) where they cut all this skin off, and his ear probably, in an effort to stop the spread.

too late. spread into his brain.

she didn't get to say goodbye.

and said that all of this shit is making it difficult to keep her positive outlook on things. she had just gotten back from japan, seeing her son and his fiancee over there, and was about to go back. but now because of the hearings and everything, she can't leave the country.

all of it sucks. all of it is unfair. and i'm the first person to complain that something is unfair, and it's not a word she even used. she said something about not knowing why all of these things are happening to her right now. and that she just wishes for it all to be resolved so she can go back and see her son again. and retire like she had planned in the next two weeks. and move to her piece of land out in colorado where life is simple and mellow.

it makes me want to do something to help her. if you knew her, you'd know that she wasn't jostling a motorcycle accident victim. that she wasn't hitting a cop, and that she didn't deserve to be treated that way.

she overheard a lawyer telling her lawyer, 'she's an elderly nurse!' and thought that was totally uncool. but her daughter said, 'mom, you are!'

and deb said she's going to stop dying her hair red so it's all white. so the thirty something lady cop who's a foot taller than her looks ultra dumb telling the judge that this woman was the one who was doing all the things she said.


i don't know. what a random assortment of a day.

there was, of course, drama and fallout from the manager to manager discussion of yesterday.

yet, when i saw her, she said not one word to me.

i don't care if she thinks that i don't work hard. because i bust my ass. and what she didn't know is that i woke up at six today. and started doing work at 730. she thinks i slept until noon and showed up to work at one.

i'm at a breaking point with her. and in a way, i'm glad. because when i get this mad, i don't tend to go back on my words and unthink thoughts.

i embrace the anger and act on it.

yeah. so. weird day.

and running around for the broken iphone sucked, too.

went all the way out to the burbs for the apple store.

got the part. he couldn't get the sim card to work to activate it.

back to at&t store with said phone and sim card, and replacement tray.

at&t guy gets the tray stuck.


back to square one.

i am not meant to have an iphone. it's just not in the cards for me.

and? because i haven't mentioned it? i want to have sex. neeeowwww.

without a clever title. august 4th.

today was the day i was supposed to leave for vacation. at noonish. for grandma's house.

and the fact that i decided not to go was for the best, saying as my trip would have been wrecked by work.

maybe that is why i'm feeling subconsciously glum. especially tired. specifically unhappy.

i don't know. i'm glad i decided not to go. i'd have been too tired to drive fourteen hours. that is for certain. i'm just sad that i don't get to see my family. and that i don't get to really get away from it all in the mountains for a few days.

that i'm going to miss the leonid shower in my grandma's back yard through the telescope i wanted to have in time for it.

it's okay. the divorce was expensive, and i paid it off, so that is done.

and now i can start to pay off the credit cards like i'd originally planned. because now i'm back to having extra money. which makes me very happy. plus, nate is paying me back, so i'll have that, too.

i spent a lot of time writing yesterday.

but none on here. it was mostly in chat with nina and kit, and most of all with brownies on fb.

i spent hours writing. it was great.

tonight i got the first wedding invitation in the mail since i left ever.

instead of feeling sad or reflective, as i tore open the envelope, i was actually excited.

i was too unstable to go to her bachelorette party. and i don't know if i will drive to va for the wedding, but i'd like to.

i'd like to, because there's something about going to a wedding that will end in a life of wedded bliss. if ever two people were meant to marry, it's ash and dave. they've been together practically forever. and they are perfect apart, and even better together.

which then makes me shift perspective. because i have never gone to a wedding alone. even when i was too young to take a boy with me, i went with family.

we'll see. the lack of a date to the wedding might be the thing which stops me from going. or it might be all the more reason to do something on my own.

getting a hotel would be all the more reason to take some boy with me. or, again, be the reason to go alone. i've never gotten a hotel room just for myself.

something to think about.

something else on my mind. dark sky star party number two. tomorrow, i mail off my check for the reservation.

how i wanted coffee to go with me, before the florida vacation where i put things on the table, without putting anything on the table. thinking back to that first trip, where all i wanted was that particular boy to share it with.

if i play my cards right, i could totally have the cash on hand to buy a telescope there. something used. get more for my money. and have the added bonus of having it already set up, and someone to show me how to use it.

i might just do that. it might be my new plan. i'm such a sucker for buying new and having the warranty.

but it's a telescope i probably won't use as much as i think i will. it's like investing in exercise equipment. you think you'll use it enough to make it worth the price you pay. yet, somehow, owning it means you'll never use it. and in a year, it will end up in your next garage sale.

chalk has been sending me a daily text message.

i'm easing into life after a weekend like the one i just had. it figures that every time he messages me, i'm already thinking about some aspect of it.

today, it just said, 'you. are beautiful. just thought you should know.'

i was quizzing kit last night about the rules and how these things usually shake out.

not like i thought he would ignore me completely, like a boy in this city would. because he's so far away, i feel that it's just serving as a tether. a loose, long tether.

like he's trying to be a nice guy. who didn't just have me and leave, never to speak to me again. in fact, i'm sure he's trying to figure out, like i am, the next time we can get together.

i wish i had other options at this point. which ties in to a conversation that kit and i were having today. about building a little list of boys we can call for these things.

but because i only have one person on my list, there's only one guy to think of, when i'm being realistic.

i'd assume that if i nabbed some boy here, i'd get the occasional text, maybe once ever couple weeks. something like, 'hey, beautiful. what are you doing?'

in that way, where calling a girl beautiful is really only obligatory.

but because this one is eight states away, i don't know how it goes.

so landlord cleaned up the front of the apartment. and now there are 85 trillion ants who don't know where their homes went. chalk joked that i had half of a front yard. i wonder why he picked today. it was getting ridiculous. now i wonder if the ants will crawl on me because i sprayed the stoop. best idea vs worst idea.

i don't feel like i'm done writing. but i also don't know what else to say.

i'm disappointed in the writer. i was talking to nina about it. i want those pictures. it's been almost four months. but i also want them to show up when he's good and ready to send them.

really, i'd very much like to have a drink with him and see how he is doing. but that's neither here nor there. literally.

i bought a six pack of tall boys tonight. in an effort to have a drink at home. because in reconciling my checkbook in light of payday tomorrow, i spent $100 at a bar this week. buying for chalk and i twice and for kit, chalk, and me another time. retarded waste of money.

and drinking at home alone or not is only slightly better. still a waste. still a bad habit. it's gotten worse, too.

i've been averaging three beers a day. every day.

and that's not good. it's over the course of several hours. but last night i got drunk. and it was only tuesday.

i can't remember anymore what i did before beer to unwind from a super shitty day.

i'm carrying all this tension in my neck and back. a back rub would be nice. but ever never gave them unless he got one first, and it was only a halfass attempt for a couple minutes when he did.

having a boy here to rub on me would be fantastic.

any boy.

i'll take any boy at this point.

in an effort to eliminate stress at its source, i had a talk with my only manager today.

i have been so angry at her for so long now. which is how i tend to roll. i get completely fed up. and then crack.

i know what is going to happen. she's going to continue to disappoint me and not do her job. only now i told her i'm not going to do it for her anymore.

if in two weeks she isn't pulling her weight, i'm done with her and demoting her. again. for the second time.

it felt good to vent about her to her. i'm the opposite of a drama queen. i go straight to the source.

after telling her that every problem i have right now are mostly her problems, i thought we had an understanding.

i told her that everyone but her is killing themselves to help out. and she should be the one figuring shit out and delegating. and that i have been and that i'm not going to anymore.

because lauren and i have been pulling doubles to cover shifts. i have two this week, and lauren has two. she has left early every day.

and i hoped that she would think about it.

know what she did?

texted me a little while later to tell me that she had an idea.

that i could come in at six and work all day, and that lauren could come in at ten and work a slightly longer shift. how did that sound.

and i said, 'sounds to me like you don't want to help and that you want me to work a third double.'

i was infuriated.

and she came over about an hour later. telling me that my text cracked her up.

and i said that it wasn't funny. that i was highly pissed.

she doesn't get it. and i was telling pam, 'it's kinda like my marriage. in two ways.'

one way is that i do the same thing every time with her, and expect a different outcome. definition of insanity.

and also, that every time i give her a chance and the benefit of the doubt. and that every time, i'm disappointed. because every time, she does the same stupid shit.

just like ever. she will never get it.

and in two weeks from now, when her paycheck is affected, she'll be pissed at me.

but i'll have cut my losses. again.

because i learn from mistakes. and because i'm no longer afraid to admit when i've made one.

see? i'm learning.

divorce complaint. august 2nd, still.

stupid ever.

i should not have checked my email before going to sleep.

because aside from work woes, which are bitches more than anything, ever is the thing that makes me panic.

he does have a lawyer. luckily, my lawyer knows him.

and says he should be able to find out if ever will sign or not, before putting a ton of time into the settlement agreement.

he said ever is asking about the car as a marital asset.

that fucker.

my car before that was MINE. before i met him. half the money we paid for the car was from the old one.

i'll fucking go for the business.

and the house for sale.

his dumb ass.

if you're living for free in a house that your wife practically bought for you and is letting you live in for two fucking years, then you might wanna leave her car out of it. buy your own. like the piece of shit cash car you had before we were married.

bastard piece of shit.

i don't know why it makes me so angry. i think i'm genuinely surprised that he has a lawyer. even though i'm sure it's a friend of our old neighbor's. who's probably working for him pro bono.

i swear. if he complicates this shit, he is done for.

i don't want to drag it out. but he doesn't mind that part.

i really hope he mans up for once. but something tells me that he won't. because he does not know how. and probably never will.

i don't want to think about it. i liked it when it was going on in the background. some piece of paper that ever had to sign that would mean that things are going to be over soon.

and my instinct, my reflex, is homesickness.

it was today at work. and it is now.

just run away.

it will be interesting, but more scary than anything, to see what he contends and agrees to. and to see what, if anything, he tries to get out of me.

if i see him as a scared little boy, the sympathy comes back. the feelings of guilt come back and i want to work with him. but the thought of working on anything with him seems so impossible now. because instead of a scared little boy, i just think of him as a big overgrown baby. who doesn't see anything that he was given along the way.

i'm such a fucking sucker.

and this sucks. all of it.

let me out, let me out. let me out.

i was so tired before i saw that. and now? i don't know if i can sleep.

i expected it to be a short sweet note, and i got caught off guard after midnight. beyond the time when i wanted to go to bed. and my ipod is in my car.

MY car.


i just want to sleep.

proximity. august 2nd.

there were some things i didn't write about yesterday.

i talked to kit about some at the bar tonight.

mostly, it was every reason why i know that i would never stick with chalk.

or, every thing that didn't work about this weekend. for me, personally. things that i realize i don't want in the guy i stick with.

but more than that, there were some things i missed from this weekend. that i'm missing now. already.

close proximity. it was quite nice to have someone there, all the time. well, for a limited number of days, though.

like today. it would have been nice to come home to someone who made me forget about how awful my day was.

and, slack arms. the way that you fall asleep being held my someone. and then their breathing slows, slowly. and then their arms go slack. they're still with you. still holding you, even. but only loosely.

it's been a while since i was held by someone i wanted to be held by, so i had forgotten about it. that, and trying to get up without disturbing a light sleeper. ever slept like the dead, so i never had to worry about it.

but sleepless next to chalk was a bit nerve-wracking, because i didn't want to wake him up. and i'm a light sleeper who has a hard time falling back asleep.

i woke him up a few times, going to the bathroom, getting a snack, stuff like that, before he woke up enough to carry on a conversation.

and i realize how comfortable i feel the majority of the time, just having someone there. well, having someone there when i want them there.

because when i dropped him off, i felt like it was time for him to go. and when i came back alone, i was at peace with myself, and with being alone again.

and while it would probably have been nice to have someone to kiss and curl up with, i didn't have any problem falling asleep last night once i was sleepy. but it took forever to fall asleep from the time i got into bed.

that's how i know that i am changing. that's how i know that i am on a new path, a different path, a better path.

it took a while to get here. i never thought i would.

and the other thing i realize is that i started to catch myself, for a minute, thinking that love should feel like that. it was in the hottest possible moment of the whole entire weekend. it was so fleeting. almost the second i thought it, it evaporated. because it was a thought. not a feeling.

today was a wretched day. it started off so wonderfully. still kindof afloat from the weekend. but also starting to come down off of the high. trying not to be a dead giveaway. pam said we need to work on my pokerface.

i also spent part of the day being a paranoid freak about stupid little fb comments. because i'm so hyper sensitive to being busted. because a couple comments were made in a certain tone, the way i know they were intended.

i hope everyone who knows ever has me hidden in their feed. i hope no one saw what i saw. mostly, my mom and the people he knows. i was mad at chalk at around 2 am when he commented that i did, and that he too had a great weekend.

i don't know. i feel guilty. which makes me look guilty. and maybe if no one is looking or thinking something along these lines, they would never in a million years guess it.

but to me, it's a beacon. beaming my sex life to the world. and i freaked out a lot, before i decided that, fuck it. it will get easier earlier if i just act like myself. and stop hiding shit from people who are in ever's circle.

i like to have fun. i am fun. and i should worry less. it only helped after a few hours of thinking it.

but i spent the morning giggly, regardless.

and then, at noon, everything changed.

i almost cried. it was that awful.

i was so infuriated that i nearly had a sobfest at work.

the work saga has changed drastically in the last week. i went from having a replacement for myself, to her turning in her notice. within one week.

and after that, i got the news from the landlord. and finally was so happy to close this location for once and for all. i started clearing things out on friday, because i was that excited.

and then, at noon, i listened to a message from friday from kenna.

and i was really really glad that i didn't get it on friday. because it would have fucked up my weekend.

she said that the landlord called her backpedaling. that someone in the upper echelon in admin had complained about us losing our location. and that we were back on board.

it took one day of talking to customers. not even. it took a couple hours.

and it was being undone.

otherwise, it took two phone calls from me, one thursday and one friday, before it was undone.

and i am so livid. i know they are fucking with us. i know they are just saying this to keep us open another month. to shut the squeaky wheel up for a month. until the renovations are done and then everyone sees that, in fact, there is no space for us, because there never was.

it's all politics. and i firmly believe that this is, too.

it's just not worth it. kenna is optimistic about reopening. but i am not. since we closed, more people were laid off. and the renovations aren't happening to the room we're in. it's just the ceiling. so it's not like it's going to be a whole new store to draw people in.

and her biggest fear, the fear of the new habit, the new routine, has already been established. and i highly doubt that the same group of people will just fall right back into their old routine after having three months of a new one.

it all sucks.

today, for a while, i wanted to quit my job.

yes, it was because of the feeling i still have, coming off of a vacation, and wanting to go right back onto one.

it was because i'm tired of fighting a fight that i don't believe in for a store that became the bane of my existence about two years ago.

it's because i'm tired of kenna making the same emotional decision about this store, like the one she makes about the bookkeeper. it makes no sense, business wise. i'm putting my job stability on the line. the company will do better without the store than with it. i'm more confident having two stores to deal with, than the ability to claim three stores, with this one included.

it's a no brainer. and yet, the wrong decision is being made.

i just can't handle it.

i get being in love with a store. i was enamored with this store for about a year and a half. but fell out of love with it very quickly. i made that store what it was. and without me, it went back to what it always was: a mediocre store in a shitty suburb with scary clientele at times. yeah, it has its good days. and yeah, i don't want to give up a grand a month in profit. but that's only thirty dollars a day. and that's not a lot.

not worth the trouble. not worth the heartbreak.

we should have cut and run when i called it, two years ago. because it would have been cutting and running, but also calling their bluff. they think that they can get someone else to come in and do it better. but no one in their right mind would touch it with a ten foot pole if they saw the numbers.

all that bullshit about work.

but the worst part of it is the way that it effects my staffing. here i had started the process of closing this location, of transferring the one employee to my store, and not hiring anyone, because i didn't need to.

and just like that, i'm fucked. because now i don't have a transfer, don't have time to hire and train someone, and can't transfer anything out.

because kenna believes them.

after all of this? she trusts them.

i'm such a punk. i'm such a rebel. it makes me want to find another job. just to show her in a dramatic way how much i disagree with the decisions that she's making me make with this location.

i didn't want to move it in the first place, because i knew what would happen. she didn't listen. then i had one day's notice to move it. and i made it happen by pulling strings. then it sucked. then she wouldn't let me close it. then it sucked more, and she still wouldn't let me close it. then they put in a coffee machine and still can't close it. and then they give up our permanent spot.

you guessed it: i still can't close it.

i hate it. and maybe in a month we'll make a killing and i'll eat my words. but today? i just spent the day incredibly angry. and really wishing i didn't have to be there.

and to top it off, as bitchy as this will sound, i have an employee whose uncle died this weekend, so he is taking the whole week off to go be with his family.

i understand. my uncle died suddenly a few years back. and i didn't realize until i was home how it affected me. but, selfishly, the timing of this sucks. and now we're all working doubles.

and if i had closed the store down on friday, like i wanted to, there wouldn't be a problem, because i'd have my transfer working his shifts and not even worrying about it. in fact, it would have helped, because everyone would have worked all the hours they wanted.



i'm a bitch. but i am sick of this frustration. and it isn't my money, so i don't have a say. i'm the boss, but i have a boss. and just like my kids don't want to do the things i tell them to sometimes, i don't want to do what i'm ordered to do.

and that is fine.

for now.

and it makes me feel a little bit like ever. because it makes me want to say, 'some day i'll have my own business, and i can call the shots and do what i want with it.'

but today, i don't have that luxury. and unlike ever, i don't make a moral decision that effects my livelihood.

but i did ask alice to get info from her roommate so that i can try to get a foot in the door. yeah. her roommate is in cancun right now. need i say more? i want her job.

other than that disaster, and the morning after giddiness, tonight, i'm quiet again.

i was thinking a lot today about the way that i felt this weekend. why it was safe for me.

there was enough that i wasn't into, as far as he was concerned, personally, that i wasn't at risk for falling. and yesterday's post was all roses and butterflies. but the reality of the situation is that i noticed things that i didn't care for.

one was that he is into games. as in person to person type games that suck people's lives from them. and he isn't into it now, because he had to quit. but he limits himself to a game on fb. and he let himself get sucked into it for maybe 20 minutes the other morning. and i thought that was pretty stupid.

if it had been ever, i would have said something. or given him shit about it. but it wasn't. so i didn't.

i was content to lay there and read my astronomy book.

another thing is his thing for pet names. what's hilarious is that it was the one thing that kit couldn't get past.

just like how coffee was calling his girl darlin', chalk called every server darlin'. and he thinks it's sweet probably. and we talked too much about how much he respects women, but it just is annoying. the first time, it's strange. and after that, annoying.

but he made the grave mistake of calling kit darlin'.

he called me baby a few times a day. which i hate. i'm not your baby. i'm not anyone's baby, except my mama's. and i think that is such a dumb pet name. he also said things like 'my sweet' and by the end of the weekend i started to realize that i was thinking, 'hey, lover'. but refrained from ever saying it. because my asshole ex-roommate used to overuse that, so i hate it still.

and then i remember the thing that i started to write out last night, and forgot. when i was writing about him taking care of me, the whole main point of that was to write about when we fell off the bed.

it's a great story.

so, whatever, we were in the middle of going at it. and, like the rest of the times, he went to flip me over effortlessly, only somehow he didn't realize that we were on the edge of the bed. so when he flipped us over, we were literally in the air.

and in the time it took to hit the floor, the WOOD floor i might add, he grabbed onto me with both arms and held me, landing directly on his knees and elbows, and protecting me from his weight. that's the kind of care and consideration i was referring to. only it got lost.

and besides, i felt really bad about his knees. we had to take a recovery break because of it. and it was awful.

but the last thing i want to talk about and say is this.

i think chalk came here, thinking he was going to break me. as in, my heart, my spirit. he did a lot of thinking before deciding i would be fine.

and i went into it thinking, i hope he doesn't like me too much, but knowing via nina that he does have a crush on me.

and i think that what i'm left with today is this feeling like, oops. i think maybe he's a little too into it.

i think of him as a professional lover, even though that makes him sound like a manwhore and i don't think that of him at all. but i think of him as knowing exactly what he's getting into, and being good at what he does without getting too attached.

but based on his reaction to leaving, and based on the text last night and the text tonight and the scrabble conversation, i think that maybe this one might have snuck up on him. and i think that maybe he accidentally is smitten with me.

which is what my biggest fear for myself was, being smitten with him. and it's the opposite.

i am not in anything to break hearts. i'm not one of those girls with a vendetta to get back at every guy who got to her.

i really thought this one would be okay, and already, day after number one, i think that maybe it might not be.

and the worst part is? i'm thinking like a guy. because i'm like, 'if i play dumb, i can have really incredible sex at least for one more weekend, sometime in the future.'

and that sucks.

i'm glad he doesn't live here. because i wouldn't be motivated to tell him to go home. and he wouldn't be motivated to leave. and that is precisely the place where i get into all of my trouble.

i don't want to hurt him more than i don't want to get hurt. it's more important that he, whoever he is, walks away unscathed. i don't really care about myself, because i'm accustomed to my own stupid mistakes when it comes to heartbreak.

and how appropriate. as i typed out the word unscathed, i remembered that intern got clipped by a car yesterday. and walked away unscathed.

i thought, as of this morning, that i'd invite him out this weekend. but i think that might be the worst idea i've had in a while.

commence search for boy toy number two, without ever having had boy toy number one.

my induction into the club. august 1.

i woke up sad from a bad dream, and it's pretty lucky that i didn't start crying, because i almost did, i felt like i was going to, and it would have been misread, i fear.

it was awful. everyone hated me. i had to go to the house for something. but it wasn't really the house. and everyone was there.

and everyone was looking at me with hate in their eyes. i was trying to be the way that i always am with them, laughing, asking how they were and what was new. and they were ignoring me, or talking to me like they didn't want me there and wanted me to know it.

and i was crying in the dream. and i woke up with that feeling, but i wasn't really crying.

and it took a few hours to shake that feeling. partly because chalk was leaving, i was sad, too.

it felt like such a good thing coming to an end. but i didn't want to wake up weepy for his sake.

i kinda don't know where to start with the chalk story, how much to tell or not tell online.

i guess the best parts were him knowing to come earlier and leave later than i'd requested. because i told him to land after five and leave before two today.

i was really afraid that it wasn't going to be seamless. i was afraid that one of us wouldn't be as into it as the other. and he was, too. he was also afraid of hurting me in some way. but felt that between what i had said, and what nina had said, that it wasn't a risk. but he booked his tickets as he did. and i'm really really glad he did.

last night i asked him how long i had him. and he said he was leaving at 830 tonight. and it made my night. to have six more hours than i thought.

we had too much fun. it was too wonderful. all of it.

being with someone who knows what they're doing, who is so respectful and sensitive and into making a woman feel good. it made all the difference. it's the difference between sex with someone and having a lover.

all of my fears disappeared within the first 45 minutes. because we wasted no time, just like i wanted and hoped and planned.

i wasn't afraid to be naked, which i have been my whole life.

i wasn't uncomfortable with him or with myself. i wasn't awkward. i wasn't bad at any of it. and he was very complimentary. of me as a person, of how i look, and of how things went as they went.

let it be known: chalk is the best lover i have ever had. and probably the best one i ever will have. he is fantastic in bed. and from what i have gathered, he was able to supply my demands without complaint.

i am sure that in my past life, before ever, that i had the physical connection with someone. where i felt like our bodies were kinda made to fit together. whether it's sex or spooning or cuddling or kissing. but i can't remember any of that now. i can only realize that this was perfect. that this was exactly that.

i'm really glad for the timing. i was talking to nina about it, after talking to the shrink about it, after writing it all out as it happened. at the same time, knowing what i know now, i wish that i had gone for it that night, just to have had a little more of something so fucking good that i can't stop smiling.

so, friday. i was running around like a crazy person for work. only i was ahead of schedule, because i'd worked a little harder on thursday to make friday an earlier day for chalk.

and it was a great idea. because it totally worked. and then i had some time to kill between going back to work and going to the airport.

so i got my eyebrows done, which was fantastic, because i really needed it. and also, i had a bit more time, so i got a tan, which i also wanted and needed. and which made me feel better in general. i've been rapidly losing color since florida. and i am not happy about that.

i went back to work, moving supplies between stores. and i was waiting for a break with kit before heading to the airport. and then chalk said he was on the ground. and i knew it was going to be a fun weekend, because i texted him, 'when you get outside, let me know where you're standing' and he texted back, 'on my feet'.

i was laughing half the way there.

so i bailed on kit because she got caught up at work, and rushed to get him. i had timed it to be there when he landed, to be one of those goofballs on the side of the road, so that when he stepped outside, i'd be there waiting.

only he got in early, so he had to wait. and he called me, but i couldn't pick up because i was driving, so i had to pull into the middle of the split in the road to see which side of the airport he was on. i had guessed right, he confirmed, and i found him. actually, somehow, he spotted me and i happened to see him waving to me.

and i pulled over and jumped out. big excited hug and a nice kiss, and into the car.

polite conversation on the way home. how was the flight, how is he doing, nothing too exciting.

he didn't really try to touch me. i made a joke that he laughed at, and i touched his knee. but it was an appropriate interaction. a polite introduction. i pointed out landmarks and buildings and things for him to note. and it was a quick ten or fifteen minutes of that in the car.

and i was thinking, 'this is all very polite, cordial. i wonder how this will go.'

the urge to shove him into the apartment wasn't gone, but we were in the middle of a conversation about my landlord and how i came to live in this apartment.

so we came inside, and i showed him the place in all of about one minute. and he looked around curiously at some things i have in my apartment, like you do the first time you're in someone's place. particularly the opposite sex.

and i turned around, and he grabbed me for a full body contact variety hug and it was all downhill from there. we wasted no time. he kissed me and picked me up a little and put me on the bed for a fantastic makeout session.

he was sweet enough to say that there was no rush, as far as having sex was concerned. but i just looked at him like he was crazy. we were both in a rush, because we'd both been waiting a very long time to finally get together. a whole week and a half of waiting and waiting and waiting. and we wasted no time.

and within one hour of him being in my city, we were smoking cigarettes outside, thinking about how great of a start we were off to, and that we were indeed going to have a fantastic time together.

i'm too private a person to go into great detail here. or maybe not now, but have been in the past. and there's something about fucking and telling that seems like the way to not go in this situation.

paper journal will get the dirty details.

but it was better than i had hoped. and there is something about the way that he is that put me right at ease. made me so comfortable. made me so happy.

by the next morning, we'd had dinner and a beer out at a bar, and had sex three times.

we met kit for brunch. i think she liked him, but didn't at all care for how much affection he was showing at the bar.

personally, i'm not a big pda person either, but i guess because i haven't had a man treat me that way ever, and it had been years since a boy had, i think i kindof embraced it. and also returned it at a point. on the stoop. not so much in bars.

but it was very sweet, despite being annoying to probably everyone else around.

then we took her to the train station for her trip to new york, and went to old city to the graveyard where benjamin franklin is buried. it was the one nate and i had found. but he's one of chalk's personal historical favorites, and it meant a lot to him, when i mentioned it in passing, so we walked around for a while, and finally got directed to it.

and on our way back to the car, after i gave chalk a few minutes alone with ben, we passed a sign that was advertising the darwin museum. the philosophical society had a collection of original writings and 1st edition books of darwin's work and research, and a ton of letters. this is something chalk is very into, which i probably would have passed right by. but kismet and all... we went in. and hung out for about half an hour until i started giving him the eye.

pretty much, the whole weekend, i was giving him the eye. i was insatiable. i would have had no problem physically having had sex like five or six times a day.

it kinda blew my mind. no. it really blew my mind.

sex with ever was so fucking horrible, in hindsight. i mean, no foreplay from him meant a rough time for me. and combined with other issues, sex would last for at least an hour. and would require assistance. my body would hurt, i would fight off uti's every time, and would feel sick after. like, physically sick. nauseous.

so i was worried about that, because it's what i've known for so long. but i had none of that. my body was more than ready. there was so much going on, as far as making out and foreplay that the sex was pretty quick, comparitively. even time spent laying around talking was like preparation for the next time. the whole time he was here, we were rarely not touching. sitting next to each other, arms touching. arm around each other, holding hands, cuddling, spooning.

i didn't know that grown men could be into spooning. i think i thought that trend dies in the early twenties, late teens. i felt like i was with a well-rounded guy, who happens to be kinda sappy, and very in touch with his emotions. and also, too smart for my taste, which is how i know that i could never date him. not even in six months from now when i'm allowed.

and we'd get dressed and go smoke, or have a meal, or something, and i'd feel my body ramping up again.

it was like my body knew that it had to get its fix for the next long time, all in two and a half short days. so it was always ready. always on.

like the way bodies fit thing, i also can't remember ever having such a physical reaction to a person before. a physiological reaction. it was shocking.

and i guess this is what doctors talk about when they talk about women in their thirties at their sexual peak.

it had made no sense to me with ever. but that's because i didn't want to be with him. now that i'm not, i'm square in the middle of what they're talking about. and i kinda don't know what to do about it.

besides find a poor unsuspecting boy who can keep up with me. all mrs robinson style. which chalk highly recommended.

it was funny. he said that i was trying to kill him. not that it would be a bad way to go. coming while going and all. but he seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed himself.

what's funny is that he did have one quality that i will eventually look for. he took care of me. and cared for me. he walked on the side of the sidewalk nearest the street. he opened every door, and even pulled out my chair at the fancy dinner he took me to last night. he lit cigarettes for me when i was driving. he helped me up by offering his hand. chivalry, it turns out, is not entirely dead. i've seen it firsthand. experienced it.

there was a lot of conversation as well.

deeply seated emotional conversation. about love and life and death. about losing people you care about. about foreign lives in different cities. about figuring out who you are and how to avoid heartbreak. about being heartbroken. about the ones you never forget. the ones you avoid for fear of sparks flying.

a couple different times, he brought up coffee. i thought it was interesting that he did. just because he doesn't really know, but had an inkling about it. but i really wasn't thinking about it at all. i think it genuinely piqued his interest, in the way that he wanted to understand me a little bit better. but mostly because we know each other from the same place. we spent a lot of time talking about mutual friends. so i guess to him it wasn't awkward for him to bring it up.

other than that, today we only left to go to lunch and came right back. we'd started to watch charlie and the chocolate factory before, and came back to finish it. it was so good. i have this love hate with willy wonka and the chocolate factory. i love it, i've seen it a million times and know most of it by heart. but something about gene wilder was unsettling in a way that wasn't as awesome as it could have been. and the music always bothered me. maybe it was just his singing, but i didn't care for any of the songs.

i'm a sucker for tim burton. and danny elfman. and johnny depp. and johnny depp was perfect. and it was pretty. and the music... so so good.

i just can't get over what i'm left with after this weekend.

i feel nothing. the same nothing that i felt after coffee said nothing. the same lack of a broken heart. the same lack of smitten. it's like i'm seeing this new world through different eyes. i saw coffee for what he was when i was home. not what i built him up to be, or remembered him as. not as the glorified version of himself. i saw him as the schmoozer who goes out with girls while his girl is at work. and i didn't have a reason to want for it anymore. and with chalk? i was sad to see him go. but he said that things couldn't have gone on that way much longer, that he couldn't physically have done it. i think he could have, but i'll take his word for it. i bet he sleeps for the better part of two days.

but i just feel nothing, as far as my little beating heart goes. my head is still busy. my girl parts are awake. but my heart? dissociated.

and kit thinks it's great. and nina thinks it's great. and i just keep waiting for the feelings to crop up or something. appear and sideswipe me. but they didn't with coffee, not the crying hearted ones. just the disappointed ones that i can handle and live with and deal with. and most importantly: learn from.

and i like feeling like i've learned some shit going through this whole divorce thing. and i like feeling like i'm making progress as a person. and that i'm changing my ways so i don't end up where i was.

in light of that, i'm glad that i backed off from intern. but at the same time, i intend to ask him dancing next weekend when nate is here. takes some pressure off. keep me out of trouble. keep contact. and just be near him, dancing and drinking. hear that giggle that makes my heart speed up a bit.

because that boy does it for me. and i can't help myself. and maybe if nothing else, i just see if he has a friend as hot as he is, who doesn't know ever, and just wants to try to pace a 32 year old sex machine. because this is what i have become. and what i am capable of. i need a nice boy to have locally. anytime i want. or at least in rotation. gyration. whatever.

i had sex nine times in 55 hours. maybe ten. i lost count yesterday. i am allowed to babble incoherently. and not make sense. precisely.

and the funniest thing?

i'm still laughing about it. when he was packing up to go, and i was stripping my bed, he handed me a pair of boxers. and i just looked at him blankly. and he said they were for me. a trophy. and i laughed and thanked him.

and in talking to nate briefly tonight, more about the divorce than anything else, he said, 'hey. one more thing. did he give you a pair of his underwear?'

and i laughed hysterically. and asked how he knew that. and he said that he used to have a collection of underwear. and that, because he gave me a pair, chalk knows what's up.

apparently, i've been officially inducted into the club.

kit concurs.

it's ON.