do nothing girl. august 28th.

back in the prime of crazy tea, there was this girl. she was one of three heathers that i was around at the time. one day, at the place where coffee worked, we decided to start a band with a couple of other boys there.

and it was all very thought out. i mean, we had the name, and all the random bullshit really well thought out. of course, being the writer, i had a few 'songs' that i'd written. really just poetry from the time that sucked that i thought would suffice. in my defense, i thought my writing was super profound at the time.

in any case, we had this one practice set up. it was to be the first time the boys brought their instruments and heather and i pulled out our words and started messing around with composition.

i don't remember who the boys were now, but there was music played, and i thought it was decent, and then heather pulled out this thing she'd written.

it was called 'do nothing girl'.

and i have it now, tucked in the sketchbook journal from that phase. off the top of my head, all i remember is that it said something about drawing wedding invitations when she'd only just met him or something like that.

and the whole thing was a big dis. it was slam poetry, though not in the usual sense of the phrase.

and i think it took a couple weeks after having it to realize that it was about me.

needless to say, it was our only practice. she thought i was completely full of shit. and maybe i was, but my intentions were good, and i was really excited.

today, i did nothing.

i got in late after a party, around 3 by the time my car was parked. and i took some fake tylenol because i couldn't find my motrin. my head was already hurting, and i knew i'd be up after 10 today, so i knew i'd wake up with a nasty coffee headache.

and i did. after 10. and made myself go back to snoozing until 11. and then again, while i brewed coffee.

so i got up, made my coffee, and got back into bed.

then i sat online for a while, like i always do.

and then i cleaned for a while, thinking about chalk, i guess. because last time, it snuck up on me. i didn't clean the weekend before enough, and had a lot to do the day before he got here.

so this time, i just told myself i'd get the majority of it done today, so that friday is easier.

and from yesterday afternoon, after work and happy hour with kit, and all day today, i just kept thinking, 'this time next weekend...' thoughts.

last night was awesome. it didn't start out that way. but it ended up that way. i had a lot of fun. i forget sometimes that i am incredibly awkward in social settings when i don't know people. and it probably takes a couple beers to get back to the place i was in those old coffee days, where i would float from table to table, striking up conversation with perfect strangers effortlessly. i didn't care what they thought of me. and i was good at it.

so i think i'd had four beers in total before that started to happen last night. two with kit at 5. and then two more after i got there at around 8.

kit had other plans, and i guess i'd usually just stay in if i didn't have plans with her. but i decided to go to a bbq with kim, and she agreed to go dancing with me after. so i was supposed to bring a six pack of beer with me. from the bar near the party. only i know that a six pack of beer is the same as a twelve pack of beer from a beer store. so i went to the beer store.

and that is how i accidentally bought a case of beer.

i mean, i was nearly positive that it was a case. but i was also a little surprised when i opened the box and there was more than just two six packs inside.

so i opened the box and unloaded half into the trunk of my car, and took more than double what was requested to the party. which was just fine by me. i didn't know what to expect, and i thought it was a nice gesture, since i didn't know anyone there.

so i got there, and took a look around. and it was an interesting crowd. kim's a phd, so i was thinking that there would be people there who were like her, and also into craft beer. but it wasn't really that type of crowd. it wasn't quite squatter punk, but it wasn't a collection of people who brought beer over either.

so everything went into the cooler and after i'd had two beers, all the beer i brought was gone.

by that point, i was beyond sufficiently drunk. i had started drinking at four, without taking longer than a two hour break, so i knew i was in a bit of trouble. i had driven there, and wanted to go home, but was not okay to drive.

so i waited it out, started snacking. eventually i got a powerade and pulled myself together. i was feeling totally straight by the time the second wave of the party started.

kim and i had debated going to a bar, going to her place, or going dancing. because i'd gotten up at 545, i was beat. sitting felt good. and dancing sounded like too much effort. plus we were both broke, so we didn't really want to pay $8 to go somewhere for a couple hours.

so we stayed put.

i'd been talking to her friend lauren, who also got out of a seven year relationship after buying a house with the guy, who she was not married to. so when i was at the peak of my drunkenness, we were telling our similar stories. i wasn't slurring, but i couldn't focus on her face really without her blurring.

then she walked off and went back to having a conversation with kim and the first set of people all bailed. and there were just a couple of us there. and then there were nine of us there.

there were two boys. one who had been there, with some girls who were annoying me, from the beginning. he was really cute. beard, dark hair, shorter guy, nice skin, very quiet.

and i watched him, and smoked near him a couple times (which is what a shy girl does when she doesn't want the boy to know that she thinks he is hot). and he didn't really acknowledge me, so i didn't do anything. then he left 'for five minutes', to walk the girls somewhere. and came back over an hour later, completely shitfaced. being loud and obnoxious. singing sugar ray and something else unbearbly loud to the sky above us. and no one could get him to shut up. he was being a total dick.

and i was really glad that i didn't make anything resembling a move when he was just a couple beers in because he was a fucking nightmare.

but then, he put on i care because you do (aphex twin), and played the song i had on a mix for nina from our glory days. it is fantastic. i was whistling, and he was drunkenly singing the sounds.

whatever. it was his redeeming moment, but he went right back to being an asshole after that.

so these two boys show up. one's all hipstered out with a melt banana tee, and i was thinking 'i bet i'm the only person here who even knows who that is'. and his friend was adorkable (to completely steal nate's phrase), a cute, in a way that i find endearing.

and we were all talking and eating and smoking, and he started making jokes that were cracking me up. and singing beastie boys. i don't know. everything he did made me laugh. and at different times, other people thought he was funny, too. but he would look at me after saying something funny, and i'd be laughing. it was cute.

and then it was getting really late, and i asked kim what we were doing. she wanted to stay a bit longer, so i grabbed a pbr for each of us and i commenced round three of drink fest. i knew that i could only have one, and then some water, to be able to drive. so i did.

and the host wanted to play apples to apples. i had never heard of this before. but confused it with the scrabble game that has playing cards. anyways, it's this game where you have an adjective that is the category. and in your hand you have seven cards. random things. nouns, proper nouns, etc. and you submit a card for the category.

i won the 'feminine' card by turning in poodles.

there were some hilarious submissions. especially from the boy i was eying. and we played that for probably an hour. then some more retardedly drunk people showed up and it was after 2 and i said i was ready to make my move toward home.

so it started off awkwardly. i wanted to leave at about the 30 minute mark, the one hour mark, the two hour mark.

then i was too drunk, and then it became fun.

so that was my night. it took at least 30 minutes to park. it was awful.

and i'd told kit yesterday that i had been wanting to take the business sticker off the back of my car lately, but didn't have a straight edge to do it.

and then today, when i went to get my car and bring it closer, and to get all that extra beer out of my trunk, i walked up behind my car and didn't see the sticker.

and i panicked. at first, i thought that kit came by and did it for me. but then thought that my car was too far away for her to even pass it. and then i thought, 'oh shit. ever.'

and my mind was racing. get a restraining order. what the fuck. how did he find the car. when did he come by. did i just not notice it. has it been gone a while. what the fuck???

and that was the drive for the four blocks. i resolved to get my phone and ask kit if she had done it when i got back inside the apartment. and i got out and parked the car. i felt sick, completely. i guess i've had some time alone this weekend, and i untagged myself in all the pictures that had him in it. and it was all on my mind.

when i went to get the beer out of the trunk, i looked down.

and the sticker was totally still there.

i guess i have the writer's sticker on one side. and it's on the part of the glass that you see through. and on the other side, the business sticker was not on the clear glass, but on the blacked out part. and it's a black sticker. so somehow i wasn't looking in the right place when i didn't see it and commenced the freakout.


i felt sick for a while after realizing i'd just tripped out for no reason at all.

now it has passed. but i wanted to write it out.

because i do this pretty often. it wasn't a panic attack. but it could have been. i think if the sticker had really been gone, it would have been a full on panic attack. i'm just so afraid of him seeing me or being over in my neighborhood or being around. and that totally fed my fear. like he'd sought out the car.

in seeing the pictures today, and untagging, i realized how strange i look in some of them. happy, unhappy. heavier, thinner. what i'm wearing. how unflattering my glasses are. how awesome my family is. some made me laugh. the pictures of my dog made me want to cry.

she's so cute. i miss her terribly.

and when i got to the wedding pictures, i thought, 'he used to be so cute. he used to be someone i wanted to marry. at some time, he was.' but then it got to the later pictures, and i couldn't even feel that or see that anymore. and maybe it's because i think about where i was emotionally/mentally the day the picture was taken. the ones with my family made me think of his incessant bitching about having my family come back and how overbearing they were and how they drove him crazy. so i see his fake smile in those pictures and i look tired, probably from overthinking, and it just made me really sad. he took them for granted, and now they're not his anymore.

but yeah. i did nothing today. and now i'm supposed to go to lauren's going away party (from work. there are too many laurens in my life right now), and i'm not really feeling like it. i am ready to go. makeup and hair and all. but after last night, i guess i am worn out and i was content to sit in silence for most of the day today.

i listened to joanna newsom a little. on ep's worth. and then tried to find a good video of gogol bordello live to send to nina, but ended up watching like thirty videos that weren't so great. and found nothing to send her way.

and then, just before i moved the car, i got struck with inspiration.

i don't know how, but i went to the writer's facebook page. and then his website, because he's having a show soon, and i wanted to see if he had the pictures online.

and he didn't. but i went through his links. thinking, if these people inspire him, and he inspires me, i should probably see what they are.

and there were a few people who were kinda vanilla. nothing as compelling as what he does. one girl had some cool stuff on etsy. not really for me. but nice anyways.

and then there was this guy. another photographer.

and how i found him was that he photographed the writer. just one picture. and he looks so tired and so sad, and that's how he looked when i saw him, but the photo was just beautiful. the thing is that the guy works in the camera store that he frequents, and took a picture of him and wrote a little thing about him, which is why he had the link on his site.

so then i start going through this guy's stuff.

a lot of landscapes. which don't do much for me, but they were really good. his portraits were awesome.

and then there's this series. i had to do all this research and read his blog a little to get what was happening. but they're taken with a pinhole camera. and now i absolutely have to buy one.

i don't know how it works. i mean, i get the pinhole part, but not how the film works. i'll look into it.

but his pinhole photos are just mindblowing. not all of them. but most of them. really really awesome stuff.

so i lost about an hour of my day looking at this guy's stuff.

totally worth it.

and now, i'm going to grab my camera. and try to get myself together enough to go to lauren's party. maybe it's because i don't want to say goodbye to her, but i don't feel like going.

maybe part of it, too, is knowing that she has friends who work with ever. and i really don't want to see them. they're the lesbians who want to kick my ass. i hope hope hope they aren't there.

and last night, funny guy was talking about self defense with kim. and they were discussing using your keys as a weapon, which we've talked about quite a bit in recent months. and then he said, if you're getting attacked, you won't really have time to aim for eyes or neck or face with your key in your hand.

he said, 'your best defense is just to run. just run. if someone is coming after me, i'm just going to run.'

and if i'm being chased by an angry mob of lesbians tonight, that is precisely what i'll do. they could kill me in a matchup.

but i can run.

autumnal. august 24th.

well, i figured out what to do with chalk.

i'll face the music later.

i booked a hotel room for saturday night. so the middle two days of his visit will be spent in the king suite at a comfort inn. it's not going to be classy. i can't afford classy. this is kinda pushing the limits of what i can afford. but i figure that he's shelling out all this cash to come up here. and i want to do something nice.

so we're going to the mountains. it will be about a two hour drive, north. and by some miracle, they had a suite with a jacuzzi tub for two available. at a decent rate, considering the next rate up was $295 a night, with a two night minimum stay.

it's hard for me to imagine people spending that much money for a hotel room for a night. i mean, honeymoons, yeah. i get that. but aside from that, i wish i had that kind of cash to spend on a mini getaway weekend.

some of the rooms were over $500 a night. i mean, really...a champagne glass shaped jacuzzi tub, several feet above the floor? insane. just crazy.

so i learned a lot. some resorts are all inclusive up there. and you get wine and massages in your room. that makes sense.

but i'm parting with a chunk of money. and i'm really really excited about it.

i was excited when i was looking. just seeing the rooms and imagining the fun that could be had in them. it made me wish for lottery winnings.

but everything does lately.

i found a brewery in the town, so we will go there for dinner that night. he was pretty excited about that. we'll need an excuse to leave the room. and i passed out for the night before finding a diner to have breakfast before leaving for the city.

it was funny, i told him about the mini roadtrip. and about the hotel.

and he said something about 'so i'll get there. have sex. have dinner. have sex. sleep. wake up. have sex. drive two hours. have sex. get in the tub. have sex. have dinner. have sex. i think i'll be dead by saturday night. you're going to kill me.'

sounds like a fun time trying.

and i don't know what we'll do around the town in an effort to enjoy our surroundings. i need to figure that part out. i think one activity should suffice. something to take up a couple hours we might otherwise spend napping.

i thanked him. for giving me an excuse to do something nice for myself.

this is really going to be my first real vacation. i've stayed in shitty hotels and motels before, with ever, during the move up here from florida, and a couple times for events that we went to for his work.

but we never went anywhere together. not like this.

actually, in writing that, the sun did take me on a vacation once. we slept in his hippie van in siesta key. it was hot as balls in the thick of august in florida. and i had the worst cramps of my life, probably brought on because of a lack of bathrooms nearby and comfortable sleeping arrangements. still it did resemble a little vacation.

i can't think of another though. it's been twelve years since that one.

and even though it's only a one day thing, it will be nice.

my cross country trip counts, in a way, but not in another. because i was not with a boy who i liked/was sleeping with. that was a vacation. i stayed in four hotels that trip. and they were mostly decent, too. a hotel in new orleans on night one. a motel in germantown texas on night two. a hotel in arizona on the mexico border for day three. buy one get one free night in the grand canyon for days four and five. and then i was in tahoe.

so, yes. that counts. but saying as i wanted to kill the boy i drove across the country, who didn't help me, i'm un-counting it.

was there another? i never went anywhere with dub. i never went anywhere with my tahoe boyfriends (who i dated for like a month each). i never went anywhere with my high school boyfriend, aside from a hotel near busch gardens. but we were just friends at that point. friends who liked hallucinogens. and nina was there, too.

so, final answer: one mini vacation with the sun. not in a hotel.

this is going to be nice.

i'm sure it will mean that it's not the last, either.

i have a feeling that there will be many more like it. where a boy isn't flying anywhere to see me and will drop the cash so i don't have to think about it.

and it's giving me something to write about that isn't work.


but now that i mentioned it...

the other new girl is now in the fold. ashley. luckily she is happy with part time work that is opposite everything she applied for.

i'm quite pleased with myself.

and i think i did a good job with hiring.

and i feel a billion times better than i did this time last week.

which reminds me of why i don't like to say things to kenna until time has passed. because the stuff i said to her in the thick of my stress is mostly irrelevent this week.

i always do that. and i have learned from it.

at the same time, part of why i feel better is because i told her enough to let her know where i am mentally.

in any case, lauren was so thankful for her frosting. and she asked if i brought a spoon.

which cracked me up. i didn't think to, so i went and grabbed one for her from the cafeteria. and told her not to have too much fun on her last night of closing.

i love that girl. i hope her three month bike ride to austin texas is a huge success.

she deserves it.

aside from that, today was delaware day.

and let me just say, this mix is fantastic.

i made it through almost the entire thing in my day of driving. and the flow is good. it's mostly upbeat stuff, because it's mostly stuff that kit has played for me that i have latched onto.

i was in this great mode last night of finding new music. kit told me about this guy from iceland, who is somehow sadder than sigur ros. which i didn't think was possible. i couldn't make it through any of his songs. they were just too sad.

but he is gorgeous.

and from listening to him and balmorhea, i found more bands. and aubree's girl sent me a song by vetiver, which i thought was okay. and somehow that led to other stuff.

so, a long time ago, when i first met jay and matt, they were obsessed with joanna newsom.

and i can't remember ever hearing more than one song by her ever. because her voice killed me. so i couldn't do it.

but last night, i tried repeatedly to find something that i liked. and i found one.

it was a live video of her playing a show here. and what's crazy is that it was one of the first, if not the first show that kit went to when she moved here. i sent her the clip and she said she was at the show.

but it's this song called 'peach plum pear'. i have to hear it again as i write this.

the music is just incredible. so beautiful. and the words are nice enough. her voice still kills me. i want to move her three feet away from the microphone so you can only barely hear her.

she gets points for originality. but her harp. ugh. so incredible. it seems like someone else would have run with this idea a long time ago. it makes me want to look up people who are harpists.

i hope i can get past her voice so i can listen to more. because that song is so pretty. the ending makes my heart sing. when she isn't singing.

i'll just watch all the videos from that show. and see if i learn to love it.

i think that maybe i already am.

what else did i find?

i don't know. balmorhea is sad, too. there was a day that kit and i didn't feel like being alone, so we sat in silence in her apartment writing, with them playing in the background. and it was so quiet and calming and perfect.

and i predict that when i go see them in september, that it will be a similar experience to when the sun took me to see ida with pedro the lion in the very beginning of our relationship.

i was so embarrassed, because we walked in talking. and the bar was completely silent. and ida were playing already.

but the thing was that every single person there was so beautiful. every sensitive boy with beautiful skin and light eyes and perfect noses. including the one i was with. and i felt so awkward, like i shouldn't have been there. like they shouldn't have let me in. and all the girls with their long hair and their perfect glasses and pretty mouths and flawless ensembles. everyone was just perfect.

and i think that balmorhea will be the same way. i think i'll fall in love 85 times that night. and leave for dark sky two days later.


i alluded to falling and fall the other day. i wrote about it a bit in paper journal.

i love the chill. it was in the sixties today, just dreary and perfect. i cannot wait for the weather to shift permanently, though it's nice to have a little taste now. in august.

and i know myself well enough to know what is coming.

pretty soon, i'll have the urge to uncover journals and recount. i already have here, a little. summoning the ghost of the sun.

which makes me sad now. i wanted closure with him. and i guess i got in, in textbook form. he said that he didn't have negative feelings toward me. or residual.

and it's so much easier to remember only what you miss about someone than to remember why you stopped having them by your side. he just didn't love me enough until it was too late. but what a beautiful person. i bet he is a stellar man now. and making some woman very happy.

and coffee resurfaced for a minute the other day. thanks, facebook. but really, it's been this time every year for the last thirteen that i think of him incessantly.

and it's going to be strange to not do that this fall.

or to think random thoughts, but not have that feeling. i wonder if i can pinpoint it. it's a sinking feeling. i'm getting it right now, writing this out.

but it was this other feeling that i'll probably never get again, not from him, due to scarring.

it felt like someone being out there. for you. made for you. waiting for you. wanting you. pining like you are. at its cheesiest, it's like the song from an american tale. where they're wishing on the same stars. just thinking that maybe he was out there. wandering around. having random thoughts of me. or wondering if i was staring up at the same time he was. or wondering if he saw the same shooting star i did. or if he missed me. if the weather made him feel it, too.

there were so many aspects to it. so many feelings. i was full of heartbroken hope. because of ever. and because he was the perfect one, so far away. and so completely unavailable to me.

and i know that thinking about all of that into the winter, beyond the fall, is what helped me out of my house. a little life preserver. hoping that he'd be on the other end of that bitter line. or someone like him. but preferably him.

and now that it's all gone, blown clear out of the water, just a faulty memory, what can fall after this summer possibly feel like?

can it be something considered normal? where i don't lay awake obsessing sleeplessly cool nights for him? where i don't imagine myself running off to pour my heart out to him?

it's going to have to be different, because i don't think those things anymore. i don't feel them like i used to.

it's foreign to me. even thinking about it. i don't feel as crazy as i have at different times in my life thinking about it. like i was making myself crazy about it.

and maybe he'll always be my one that got away. but i never had him. and i won't. i won't say never will. but i don't think that i will in this lifetime. and what's funny is that i'm glad to have seen him with smarter eyes, because i don't even want it anymore.

there's this reflexive part of me that will probably drum him up sporadically. but everything else in me? not happening.

i usually think about the sun, too. it never lasts as long as coffee thoughts. maybe this tonight is the extent of it.

i look at his picture from time to time, to see how he looks. if his hair's getting longer. if he's smiling. if he looks happy, really happy. what he's wearing.

i looked at him last on his birthday. in the last week. maybe that is the single event that kicks off this backflush every year. it starts with him and ends with coffee. months of coffee.

i've now listened to the entire joanna live show. and i think that maybe i love her. funny, it's a bit like beer.

really wasn't a fan for a very long time. and never understood how people could say 'oh, it's an acquired taste', because that sounded like a crock of shit. but then i started drinking beer. and now i love beer. most likely, entirely too much.

it's kindof like that. i tried her on. and her voice doesn't sound so harsh after a while of listening to it. she settles into it through the course of the show, and plays with a band for most of the songs in the middle.

watch this, see if you agree:

if you hate it, suffer through it. get through the whole thing. i'm telling you. the end of this song. goddamn.

and then, watch marcel the shell with shoes on. lauren sent it to me the other day. and it is the cutest thing i've seen in a long time. and it's taking over the interwebs by storm. it's everywhere. and if you haven't watched it yet, here's the link. do it. right now.

two hours of writing time tonight.

pretty impressive.

i need a cigarette. or after that marathon of writing, maybe more than one.

and a beer.

yes, i'll have one of those now, too.

i like all of my acquired tastes in one sitting, please.

mundane. august 23rd.

today was supposed to be easy. today was supposed to be a training shift with a girl that i like. followed by a drive to sucky store for paperwork on the way to delaware. with my new mix. and i am not short on beer or cigs or gas, so it would have been a cheap trip.

only crystal had other ideas.

what else is new?

some new ailment to require a trip to the free clinic. which is an all day affair.

so she sent a barrage of texts starting at about 930 this morning. telling me she has to leave, i need to go over and fill in until 3, when her shift ends.

really, she said i could leave at noon, but that would leave quinn alone on her first day alone, and i wasn't going to do that.

and i'm glad i canceled my trip, after i got over the annoyance and anger about it.

because i worked with quinn. actually, we cleaned simultaneously. because the store is filthy.

and this is why i know i made the right choice with her:

she was actually stating that our machine is unacceptably filthy. and that no one has been cleaning it. for a long time.

she proceeded to break down the machine (which we NEVER do) and give it an all-out scrubbing.

and while she did that, i had already started scrubbing things that hadn't been scrubbed since i scrubbed them a year ago.

and while i cleaned, i realized that i pay my employees too much. for no good reason. they're lazy and never find things to do when there's a lack of customers. and that i always do it, because they don't.

they leave early every day. and probably cheat on their timecards. because i'm too trusting.

but now that is resolved.

and tomorrow is lauren's last day. kit picked up the can of frosting i bought for her as a going away present.

because i made cakes for pam, i told her i'd make her a cake a while back. and she said she doesn't really like cake. just frosting.

so that's what i got for her.

i'll miss her. i am beyond sad to see her go.

and pam's first day doing paperwork went well. she's an overachiever. i think she'll do a great job as a manager.

now if i can just get rid of dan and crystal. all will be well.

once quinn starts bossing them around, i think they'll bail.

and if not, they'll be working for their money.

more writing about boring work. it's stupid.

kenna's coming in a couple weeks. so that is a big relief. it gives me time to get everyone in and in their roles, and to get the stores back in full swing.

like a well-oiled machine.

i'm almost out of the woods. and i'm glad to feel like my hiring choices were better than any that crystal would have made.

because i think that between her and dan, they would have picked people who they can dominate.

and let me tell you, quinn kept me on my toes today, and she's going to kick some ass around there.

and maybe someday... learn how to do what i do.

but it's too soon to be thinking that.

i figure in a month, she'll have proven herself, and be running the store. and then i'll mention it.

aside from work boringness, nothing else is really going on.

last night i was online for what felt like forever.

writing, chatting, scrabbling.

doing nothing productive.

but i needed a quiet weekend. and my quiet weekend is bleeding into a quiet monday.

everyone's got stuff going on. but i really don't. i mean, i smiled a few times today, thinking about where i can drag chalk. i want to do something other than hide in my apartment for four days.

i don't know what to do. i'm not good at this type of thing.

i looked at some hotels, but they're retarded expensive because of labor day weekend. like okay places for $400. and that's not even the nice ones.

there are so many little towns to go to. but the beach will be swamped, and he's not really a beach guy. i mean, he doesn't own a bathing suit.

so then i thought of maybe driving north to the mountains. but i don't even know what we'd do there for fun either.

all i know is that i'm going to have this guy here for four days.

and i don't know what to do with him, outside of bed/bar/restaurant.

he is content to just stay here. but after the ever scare following his last trip, i really like the idea of going away for two days and a night.

and not being in my apartment.

any ideas or suggestions in this department would be helpful.

i need to go back to researching.

intern texted me today.

i didn't know it was him, because i didn't have his number in my phone since i lost the contacts a few weeks back.

he was asking if i knew anyone who needed roommates.

and i made a bad joke back. and he didn't respond. then i thought, 'oh shit. i wonder if he thought i meant... oh NO.'

and i tried to think of a way to recover. then he responded and i did my best to clarify.

i told i would ask, but that i didn't know anyone. how is he doing. and said 'you trying to get sprung?'

meaning out of his parents house. but thought it could have been misconstrued.

and he said something about looking for a couple people to get out with. and i made another dumb joke about busting out of his parents house. and that i'd keep him posted.

so it goes.

i told him to tap into ever's pool of people, because they're always moving around and having rooms open.

any contact is better than none with him. i'll take what i can get.

and try not to make any more stupid jokes. especially that can be misconstrued as sexual innuendo.

i guess it's called a freudian slip...

and now? a walk with kit.

i don't know where we're going, but it should be good.

even if it is raining.

it's so cool out. there is that fall feeling on the damp breeze. and it reminds me that summer is fleeting.

i survived it.

i feared it. and i made it through it.

i guess labor day is the defining line, as far as resorts and things are concerned.

now i fear fall. because of falling in fall. from my previous life.

and i fear colder weather as i always have, because it means wanting to snuggle down with someone. when it was ever, i rarely did. it was a cold bed for a long time.

so i am trying to prepare myself mentally for wanting that again, and understanding that i might have it occasionally.

but that it's going to be a frigid winter spent under comforters alone.

travel. august 22nd.

well, i will not be going home in the next month.

i just can't do it.

labor day was tempting, but in the 24 hours that i took to deliberate and decide more to go than to stay here, the ticket prices went up $100. which translates to chalk's ticket also going up $100 because he didn't get one yet.

and that is unfortunate.

because i find it unlikely that he will still come that weekend now. which means i'll have a three day weekend to sit around and stare at the walls.

it's funny. had i applied the same logic to this trip as i applied to the trip home at christmas, i'd have decided yesterday, and i'd be doing something.

now i'm doing nothing.

in any case, it's sunday at 520. and this weekend of nothingness has somehow managed to slip past me. i thought that laying around a lot and doing things at home would make it drag on.

but i can't believe it is almost over. and i have a stack of four packages to send out. and not much else to show for my weekend.

oh, my summer mix is what i consider to be done. so that is awesome.

now i have to take the packages to the post office, because they'll all be heavier with the summer mix in them.

a good problem to have, i suppose.

last night was interesting.

kit and i met kim out. and mel joined as well.

it was funny. we mostly sat around talking about fuck buddies. melissa and i are from the same mindset. coming out of bad seven year relationships where we weren't fulfilled. and from the previous mentality that bed buddies were the last thing we were interested or okay with.

but now, we find ourselves tiptoeing into the pool. and being completely out of touch with the new rules of dating that came about when we were devoted. and we're both okay with the idea of buddies now.

but she asked a lot of the same questions i've been asking kit over the last few months, while i was getting used to the idea, but also not knowing what i was getting into.

so it was, over three beers a piece, that we discussed loudly how we can just sleep with whoever we want, and go home. and maybe never sleep with them again, or maybe sleep with them for days at a time. but that they aren't really 'ours'. the only difference between us is that she likes women and i like men.

and she suggested that we be each others' wingmen. which could be fun.

she said she'd love to help me find someone. i'm not really good at matching, and i'm oblivious, but i'd do my best. put my best foot forward.

and so it was that i was the first to leave. after a couple southhampton double whites which set me on my ass. they ordered a third for me when i was in the bathroom, and kim drank more than half for me, as i was already dropping everything on the ground, twisted.

and i smoked a lot of cigarettes and bumbled five doors down, home. and went up the stairs thinking, 'dear god. i am drunk.'

and took out my contacts after almost forgetting. and laid down in bed, setting the thermostat accidentally to FREEZING. and bumped it up, but not nearly enough.

and bed spins. ugh. it only kindof snuck up on me. and maybe i should have stayed a bit longer with them, to be upright and comfortable in my inebriation. but in bed, i hung a leg off the side of the bed for grounding purposes. and laid flat on my back, hoping it would all pass. because i hate nothing more than throwing up, and i am usually pretty awesome at cutting myself off before i get to that point. i did not get sick, by some miracle.

and i knew i'd feel silly in the morning, but i sent chalk a little note that i thought would be cute, but that came out all wrong, and when i re-read it again this morning, i thought i sounded too demanding, and something else. was it bitchy? was it mean?

regardless, i must've hit send and then closed blacktop. because chalk wrote back one minute later, and i didn't see it til today.

i waited out the spins, and i guess i fell asleep, because i woke up at 5 and got water and went back to sleep.

and woke up feeling fine.

after a coffee and a half, i had another headache. again, with the headaches getting really old.

and went to at&t.

and with a new sim card, the reader isn't working. so back to apple, where shawn from last night came to my rescue. i didn't have an appointment, which is unacceptable in the apple store. but i was asking my question about testing the sim card reader. and check-in boy didn't know.

so he asked other dude. who also didn't know. and shawn interrupted. took the phone away to reboot it. which didn't work.

so the verdict is that something happened to the phone when the tray broke. so it doesn't work. and won't. because it costs $199 to fix. which is a whole new phone.

the only hope for the phone is if it's covered by the warranty.

and if not, it's dead where it lays.

maybe some day when i have an extra $100 laying around and nothing to spend it on, i'll do this the right way. get an upgrade if that is even possible. i tried to go through the motions today to see how much it would cost, and it only showed iphone 4. there was no option for iphone 3.

so i'm back to my belief system that i am just not supposed to own an iphone.

and my replacement phone is already glitching out on me after a couple weeks of having it.



and then, other random thing for the day.

i woke up and was looking around fb. and coffee's girl posted some pics. she was talking about an island adventure. but didn't mention him, so i thought that it was a girls' weekend. and looked at some pics.

sure enough. there's coffee looking adorable on the beach with his bandaged pinky finger. being generally silly and cute.

to not really think about him much, and to not really fb stalk him much, it made me feel a little sad.

maybe, if for nothing else, because he looks happy. and i always kinda hoped i'd be the only person to make him truly happy.

even if i have completely realized that he is not the one for me. there's still something to feel sad about every once in a while.

and it was on the heels of drinking that beer last night. and it was also on the heels of a two minute discussion about believing in finding 'the one'. which kit doesn't believe in. and which i would have said that i did, had things gone my way in florida a couple months ago. but that trip made me question my belief in it. well, not the whole trip. but specifically, the time i spent with him while i was there.

maybe this miniature sadness these past few weeks is something to do with that.

giving up hope on the fairy tale ending. i didn't get married and run off into the sunset, eternally happy. forever.

and when i ditched ever, and revisited that boy i just can't seem to not revisit, he didn't sweep me off my feet, or say that he was waiting for me, or tell me that i was the one who made him happiest.

put simply, this is all a reality check. vacation time is over. i wasted it all. i mean, i had the most amazing vacation ever. but it came at a high price, namely having no more vacation time. the newness of my freedom is starting to wear off. the excitement of being out whenever i want, and drinking as much as i want, when and where i want is starting to feel more like a drinking problem than anything else.

and i realize that i really don't have anything that i'm creating or producing right now. i'm writing these posts nearly daily. but what am i really saying? nothing profound. nothing new. it's all recycled.

and negative.

i talked to my mom for a while today, trying to figure out when to go home. decided against going home at all before october. and she is the one who said the thing about the sadness being from the excitement wearing off.

and that i shouldn't say six months or one year. because it's a grieving process and because i will only know when i am ready. it doesn't feel so much like grieving to me. but the excitement wearing off thing makes perfect sense.

and you know what i get for fb stalking while taking a break while writing this?

this is what i get:

that new group of people who is in ever's fold. main dude. his name is andy. he's adorable. nate concurs.

i was looking through his pictures. and what do i see? him. in the place in florida where ever and i got married.

i was looking, and it was someone's wedding pictures. and i thought, 'no. surely not. that's the art center.'

and then looked through the rest of the pics in that album.

sure enough. the guy is from the suburb i was born in. and their wedding was funky, like ours.

i only hope their marriage is happier than ours, and that the place wasn't cursed or something.

it was strange to see another couple getting married where we did.

without rain.

it was how ours was supposed to be.

so, yeah.

that's what i get for looking at boys i have no business looking at. pictures from over the years. thinking, through them, 'man, it's too bad. because he is adorable, and is always being crazy and having fun. i'd love to hang out with him.'

i see him, transplanted into the place i'm from, back in 07 before ever and i knew him, at a wedding in a mayan temple, where ours was four years before.

and there is just too much wrong with that. i need to sign off now.