hermit. october 9th.

even though i only left the aparment once today, for about ten minutes, i did a few things that seem noteworthy.

call it fall cleaning, but i've been short on clothes to wear to work lately, too, because it's cooled off quite a bit.

i pulled the three bins out from under my bed, and pulled all the summer clothes from the hangers in my closet. and i went about separating clothes that i don't want to have to wear again, from the winter stuff, from the summer stuff. and hung what i want access to.

it felt good. it took a while. and ipod shuffle failed me. unlike road trips when kit hits shuffle on my ipod and we're both pleasantly surprised, today felt more like my ipod was playing everything i didn't want to listen to. all my least favorite songs from the albums that are on it. and i skipped almost every single song.

the fall mix is up to eighteen songs now, most of which will probably stay on, and in about thirteen more, it will be done. which makes me happy. it's a little sad, according to kit, but to me it is just what i've been listening to lately. i unveiled it in the car on the way to the phillies happy hour yesterday, and she skipped through the middle of the mix.

i read a lot today. blogs, and nina's book 'fun home'. and then watched 'gas, food, lodging' which was not at all what i expected or thought it would be. it was kindof hard to get through. knowing ione from 'dream for an insomniac' and wanting to kill fairuza in 'the craft' made it more interesting, to see them in what might have been their first movies. i don't know that it's accurate, but it's my best guess.

i didn't want to do anything today. i went to bed at maybe one last night, and got up to make coffee at ten. last night was a lot of fun until it wasn't. the game was the most exciting one since the one nina, kit, and i went to. there was a lot of screaming, and beer drinking, and rowdiness. which was fun.

and waking up while it was still dark out with a headache sucked ass, but i remedied that.

having waffles and french fries for breakfast and lunch made me feel like an irresponsible moron, but that's what i had.

which is why i went to the store. everyone made fun of me for my adventure at the corner store the other day, which i forgot to write about on here. so i went to the neighborhood store, where everything costs twice as much as it does at the regular grocery store. but i didn't feel like driving. so i kept it close.

i bought pasta sauce for the tortellini i had in my freezer. and a salad to go with the bottle of dressing i had. and chips to go with the salsa i had. and cheese, because there's never a bad combination involving cheese. and it was fourteen fucking dollars. but what was i going to do?

when i pulled the pasta out of the freezer, it was all freezerburnt and scary looking. but in an effort to not waste food (which is what got me into trouble at the corner store), i made it. and had to bury it in sauce and cheese to stomach it. it was horrible, but it was dinner. better than waffles and fries. but not by much.

and i laughed on the way to the store, because in my hyperbole reading, i got to this old post where she was talking about her stomach freaking out and cheese pancakes. which is to say a chunk of cheese in a frying pan.


this girl should be inducted into our fold. she is hilarious.

somehow relating to one person on the other side of the country makes me feel better about myself. like, i'm not so crazy, because this other person is also writing about this that and the other thing that i have also experienced. bad oral hygiene. having days where i haven't brushed my teeth at all. refusal to floss. not using the heat in the wintertime. a crippling fear of spiders. letters to future versions of me from present me, and letters to past versions of me from present me. a love of encino man. staring at my boobs in the mirror while i wait for the shower to get steamy.

she has a problem with the dentist, too.

and let's just say that i'm now so scarred from my trip to the dentist and that root canal that i actually took bridgette's advice (my dentist) and dropped seventy fucking dollars on a sonicare toothbrush.

used it for the first time today. let's just say that it is a pretty rad invention.

not to bore you all to death, but my problem is that i brush my teeth too hard. so all my roots are pretty much showing, recession-wise. and that's why my teeth are so sensitive.

this thing keeps you from hurting yourself like that. and i'll brag. i've flossed almost every day for the last three weeks. and i feel better. my mouth doesn't bleed anymore, and i don't get headaches from my teeth shifting when i do. huzzah.

over fourth beer at neighborhood bar last night, after six hours of being out, kit was dragging discussion out of me. i was staring out the window for the most part. i was tired. not even drunk, but marinating.

and i told her about the relationship status thing yesterday.

and how i still feel nothing about him.

and how it still doesn't feel right.

and engaged hot bartender was lifting tables up over his head two at a time. i swear he does that shit on purpose. he walked inside past us, and i smiled hugely at him, because kit's coaching lately is that i should smile hugely at boys who i think are hot. instead of looking away. because that's what i always do, and it sends the wrong signal.

and a while after that, he came by after not having any interaction with us at all whatsoever, and picked up our tab and gave us high fives. kit said i was welcome.

it made no sense to me at all. i've never spoken to him. i only know his name from stalking the hell out of him and his art website. and it's mortifying to know so much about someone who doesn't even know that you exist. it's fucked up.

maybe the next time, i'll ask him his name. i don't want to flirt. but at least get some of the info from him that i already know. in a legitimate manner.

i know the majority of the people who work there. i guess because i liked him before i knew, i was too afraid to play the 'what your name' game with him.

all this stupid boy babbling.

it's the closest thing i have to any kind of a romantic interest right now.

missed connections on all sides. there's a short stack of boys from this summer that i'd hoped to strike up a virtual friendship with on fb, and all of them failed.

and now it's fall.

and it's feeling like i should be allowed to play with boys now. but as becky put it, 'i haven't even signed my papers yet'.

still nothing on that front. he's really busy i'm sure, emailing people all day long. 'working' hard. and dragging this whole fucking thing along.

i don't remember it now, but i know that ever was in my dream last night. along with random old friends. i know laurie was there. and it was bad and awkward. and i don't know where it came from.

but i want to ask intern to go to a show with me, and i know it's a bad idea. because either way, it's going to end badly. he won't go, and i get sad and go alone. or he does go, and i feel guilty and paranoid and keep myself from bringing him home with me. unless i get him drunk. and that also will only end badly.

which will it be?

i could just ignore the desire to be near him and laugh, and not ask.


and i don't know why, but for the past few days, i've been thinking of brownies. first, i was thinking about all the times we watched billy madison. and her cat toodles who would attack me while i was sleeping. random stuff as i walk around. so i should probably check in with her soon, because i usually think of her when she needs kind words.

and don't hold me to it, but i've been thinking of baking brownies, too. it started with the writer's birthday.

and i've had random things to mail to aubree's girl and nina for a while now. so i should probably get on that. maybe tomorrow. if my oven decides to bake instead of burn everything.

which reminds me of another thing i handled this week.

i paid my rent with a note to landlord. about painting and the refrigerator.

so he came up last sunday when i got back from dc to inspect the refrigerator. again. we've been over this before.

and said he'd ask about getting it repaired, but that i'd probably just get a new one. and that he's broke right now, but just got a job, so don't worry. he'll take care of it by the 30th.

i saw him maybe tuesday night, coming home from work in a bowtie, all dressed up. talking about working full time.

and called me at work on thursday to tell me all this shit that i don't need to know or care about, the ins and outs of refrigerator repair and how much it costs to fix things vs replacing. and that he needed to come by to measure. but that he's at work full time, so he can't come by until 6.

i want to do a few things. like scream at him, 'do you want a fucking COOKIE, you dolt? i've been working full time since i was fifteen during the summers, and for my entire life since i was nineteen. you are a jackass.'

and i also want to slip a note under his door on the first of the month that says, 'sorry. i'm really broke right now. but don't worry. i have a full time job. i'll take care of this by the end of the month.'

seriously? this guy is such a dumbass.

as far as landlords go, he's a total dipshit.

how can you be broke when you JUST cashed my check for $700 for rent for an apartment that sucks ass?

i don't know. i don't understand. he's retarded.

and i got angry all over again the other day. for the time he guilted me about showing me the apartment on the night when i didn't want to see it. it was this huge inconvenience for him, blah blah blah. YOU LIVE ONE FLOOR DOWN, YOU FUCKING DICK. and he went on to say how hard it is to be a landlord.

on this end of things, i have yet to see one landlord-y thing tended to. seriously. he used the neighbor's weedwhacker one day to mow down the weeds that were knee high in the front of the house.

that about sums it up.

there's a pile of mail in the hall. because it belongs to no one in the building. and i always take it and recycle it. but that's not my job. he should do that.

and i vacuum the hall on occasion, so i don't track all the dirt in after i clean my place up. you should see the size of the dustbunny families where the vacuum doesn't reach, and inside the front door.

again. his job.

and if he doesn't give me the paint for my place, i'm now at the point where i'm going to buy it and put the receipt with my reduced rent check.

that's my rant. i've been putting my foot down, slightly, with him. i haven't mentioned the stove. i mean, why should i? he doesn't want to replace the fridge because it keeps things cold. why would he want to replace an oven when the stove works just fine? or the bathroom slatted window from 1971 that doesn't shut all the way. he'll tell me how much the kit costs to cover the window myself.


i'd make a good landlord.

and i was thinking of that yesterday.

if i could somehow buy the house from under ever, and rent it out. i'd be a great landlord. god forbid this building gets mice. or has some other bigger problem.

i should start asking about the free heat, just to freak him out. 'hey, where's my thermostat? it's kinda cold in my apartment. didn't you say heat was included in my rent?'


enough of that. i'll get all upset again.

seriously, though? he's an idiot. and if i wasn't so lazy, i'd look for a subletter to get me the fuck out of here. i still hate this place. even more now that i have to talk to him and deal with him.

he talks. and talks. and talks.

somehow i managed to waste nearly an entire day on the computer. i still don't know how. i woke up relatively early. i got a shower and put on makeup and everything, in hopes of doing something.

but i just did nothing.

tomorrow is another phils game. i don't know who i'll watch with or where i'll be, but it will be a fun time, no matter what i do or where i go or who i lose my voice with, screaming.

i guess i'm resting up and saving up for that. because i'm tricking myself into believing that i'm broke. in an effort to save and not spend. to get six fillings and go home for christmas. to get a passport to go nowhere. and i have a pretty good idea that i can't get the iphone until march. too bad, but also fine. save even more money...

cleanup on aisle three. october 8th.

funny story.

last night, i had the double white. and you know what? it wasn't so great. it tasted kinda funny to me. a little sour. not how i remembered it.

not nearly as good as it tasted in december. or june, for that matter.

and? for the second time in about a week, i've had a dream that ever gave me a box of things that belong to me that were at the house.

i don't know why. the box is never big.

last night, in the box, there were like five vibrators, among other things. no, i didn't leave five vibrators at the house in real life. i've never owned that many in my life.

however, i put the box of things in the trunk of my car, and then when i went to get my car, it was gone. it had gotten towed away. this happens in my dreams often.

i just remembered the box while i was in the shower.

but i remember that my family was here, and trying to figure out which tow yard my car was sitting in. and couldn't find it and i was getting mad at my dad for being overbearing and assuming about a few aspects of finding it.

the neighborhood looked like west phila. and the sign saying i couldn't park where i'd parked was on the ground, so it seemed really unfair that they'd taken my car instead of just ticketing it. i was pissed.

anyway, i think i found my car, right before i woke up.

that's all i remember.

which is surprising, as i collapsed in bed before ten, and didn't get out of bed until about eight this morning. i needed sleep. and i got it. but, because my body is accustomed to not getting enough, i started waking up at five this morning, thinking it was time to get up. i really hate that.

so, tonight is a happy hour with kim and kit. and it's the phils game two of the series, so we'll get to watch the game at the bar and have a good time.

we'll see how this night pans out. i've had zero desire for doing anything other than merely looking at boys lately. but i'm thinking that all i need is one new muse.

oh. and? coffee made his relationship official on fb today. thought that was funny. good thing to see before i go out drinking.

i had no real reaction to it. other than a little 'heh heh. took you long enough. jesus.'

still. i file things like this into some kind of subconscious filing cabinet. i'll drag it out one day when i finally cry again. when i'm pulling out everything to cry about, like i'm looking through some imaginary photo album of things that let me down.

whatever. i haven't cried in a long time. well, the night i watched the notebook. but that was movie related. i haven't cried about my life in a long time. i can't even remember when. i've felt like it lately, but not enough to make it happen.

i'll have to bust out some sad sappy movie soon. just to get the waterworks going.

oh. and i bought a sonicare toothbrush today. $70 fucking dollars. and listerine and act fluoride like my dentist told me to. felt like an ocd freak in the checkout line.

but i did it. and i should be glad. i'm kindof excited to use it.

everything i bought was for cleaning. garbage bags, dish soap, dish brush, laundry detergent.


standup. october 6th.

i only know that i want to write something, because it's been four days. not what to write about.

again. feeling like i have nothing to say.

i'm catching up on hyperbole and a half. which i adore. and like kit, i laugh until i cry, and that is awesome.

last night, before sleep, i listened to standup while playing scrabble online.

the two nights before, i didn't sleep well. i was up until after 2 both nights, tossing and turning. despite being in bed by 9 or 10.

it's been a lot of ever. thinking about the proceedings, without having any news from the lawyer. because one thing i realized is that i'll probably be in florida when i file for the court to determine the way things get split and the timeline for selling the house. and saying as i filed for divorce the last time i was in florida, it seems like the way things will inevitably go this time around.

he's free to ignore my proposed agreement for up to ninety days before we can do anything to skate around him.

so i was just playing out scenarios in my mind. for hours.

and i'd try to think of boys or chalk or anything else. i could only divert the path of thoughts to work, which was equally maddening and stressful. and end up back at ever. repeatedly.

last night, i remembered that when i couldn't sleep at the house, i'd put on ultraman and pass out in fifteen minutes. or nova specials.

i can't revisit ultraman as much as it works for me. being lulled to sleep by japanese and english. unable to read subtitles with my eyes closed. it is still too sensitive and ever-reminding.

so i opted for a monarch butterfly documentary. i made it about ten minutes in and got the best night's sleep i've had this week so far. it was good.

so far this week, i've barely left work. open-ish to close yesterday, and today and monday were long days. nine and ten hours. tomorrow will be another nine hour day at suck store. at least i can facebook through the day there.

the longest fucking week.

and i was telling kit yesterday. every week i say, 'if i can just survive this week, things will be so much easier. it will get better.'

but when i say that every week, it becomes hard to believe that things will ever be or feel easier.

what helps is that i got paid yesterday. and in celebration of making it through the brokest time i've had in months, i went straight to the bar for a beer and dinner from work. eleven hours was too much yesterday.

i had a beer and some carnitas. i was proud of myself, because the best beer on tap was bell's two hearted. and i usually am not a fan of ipa's, but this one is awesome. and my former coffee-related favorite double white was also on tap. and i didn't get it.

it's the baby steps sometimes. little insignificant things you do to convince yourself, one thought at a time, that you are a changed person, capable of adapting to differences in emotion and thought processes.

one tiny obsession at a time.

and in talking to nina and kit, and in writing in paper journal for the last four days about it, i think that i've come up with a synopsis of the ever situation.

he will do nothing. because that's what he does. he talks a big intimidating game. he convinces people of things that are not true at all. he did it during our marriage, using his words to his advantage.

until things didn't come through like he'd said they would.

or telling me he had three lawyers he was consulting at subway that day.

and how all of them told him all of these things.

and telling my lawyer he had a lawyer. it's all bullshit.

he'll use words until there's a financial implication. i could have had free consults with a hundred lawyers, and told him i had a hundred lawyers. but until i pay one, it's just talk.

i don't want to think about this before sleep again.

it's hard to be hormonal and angry at the same time.

i'm tired of being bitter with the man i was married to. am still currently unfortunately married to.

i'm tired of being upset and awake at night. i'm tired of not having a mental escape. i had intern there for a couple of days. but even in my night time daydreams, there are logistics that my imagination cannot get around. so that was short lived.

and for some reason, now chalk is a source of stress for me. not really stress, but just another awkwardness. or worry. and not for any good reason. at all. whatsoever.

when i got my wallet, dustin mentioned that there won't be more than a couple bbq's left.

so now, i'll add conor to my list of boys to no longer waste time thinking about.

i'm beat.

i'm up at 6.

i'm going to sleep now-ish.

the wedding. and dc. october 3rd.

i'm still trying to write september everywhere.

the wedding was fun, after a long period of awkwardness. and the ceremony was awesome for them, just what i would have expected.

the drive back to dc after was almost an hour after all. and kit's sister's house was amazing. really. it kinda fucked with me, because in my mind, it is what my house should have looked like when we were done. in my mind, it is what i pictured. their house was incredible.

i liked dc.

except for the part about not having a sweater/coat/jacket/hoodie on hand, and about leaving my walking shoes at home and. or any shoes other than the fancy ones i wore to the wedding. i thought it pretty funny that i spent hours being mad at chalk for not bringing walking shoes to the city when he wanted to walk places.

yet, i knew i was going to dc and doing a little sightseeing, and didn't think to bring a second pair of shoes.

i think the best word for my weekend was awkward. there were several times where i just felt like i shouldn't have been somewhere or shouldn't have been doing something i was doing.

i got to the wedding house at 630, after waiting in the car for what felt like an acceptable arrival time. there were about ten cars parked outside, so i thought there were a bunch of people already there.

and there were. but they were all the people who were in the party or parents or close relatives.

i waited until i saw a carful of people show up that i knew were friends. and they got out of the car, so i started walking up to the house. but they weren't behind me.

i didn't know if i was supposed to go to the front door or around the back where all the tables and chairs were. i opted for the back, because the front door scared me.

the back doors were open, and there were people in the kitchen so i walked in, and said that i was a friend of ash's and could i help with anything.

they said they had it all covered, and thanks. then i realized that the guy making the kabobs in shorts and a tee shirt was her dad.

and went back outside, feeling like an idiot. but then the carful came to the front door, and made their way out back and we all stood around in a big circle, all commenting on not knowing where we were supposed to be, or how early we were, and what we were supposed to be doing. and, as i had feared, i was underdressed. all the guys were in suits and ties. even the punk. and all the girls were in teeny coctail dresses.

what was funny was that i was freezing in a long sleeve shirt and dress pants. i hadn't bothered to check the weather to know that it was going to be FIFTY. and if i had brought the party dress from florida, i would have fit right in with all the other girls, but i would have frozen my ass off. so i was glad that i didn't go that route, even if it made me feel like a bum.

pretty soon, dave came out in his tux and started pouring wine for everyone, including himself, and saying hello.

i thought that was pretty funny. he was not playing the role of groom. he was showing gratitude for people coming to the wedding, and was playing host to those same people.

and when someone came down and said that the ladies were ready, they started the music and everyone took their places. i thought it was pretty awesome - they played 'all i want is you'. and ash started crying from inside the house, loudly enough to be heard in the seats in the yard.

what was funnier was that she was kindof hiding in the doorway, and reached across the doorway to a glass of wine on a ledge, and slammed it. everyone was cracking up.

then her dad walked her down and she could not stop crying. it was really sweet, and reminded me of this friend wendy i used to work with, who would burst into tears anytime she talked about how much she loved her husband.

they were both just really happy. everyone was. and because they're two of the funniest people i know, they were cracking jokes during the ceremony, and getting laughs the whole time.

and then they were married by a friend, and i cried when they played 'in my life' after it was official and they were walking back inside.

i don't know if i will ever be able to hear that song and not feel instantaneously sick to my stomach, but it was the only time that i felt bad at all about being at a wedding.

then there was drinking and food and craziness. because dave's a lawyer, and all of his friends are, too, it was a very festive party. mostly everyone was drunk. except for me, because i had to drive.

part of me wishes that i'd had the money to get the hotel room. but i think things would have gotten out of hand in a hurry if i had, and i'm glad that i kept myself where i was, because i ended up escaping my first divorcee wedding without any permanent scarring.

and there were boys. one was the boy that i talked to at the christmas party, luke. he said i looked familiar later, but couldn't remember meeting me or talking to me at the party before. and the other boy was someone i hadn't met yet, pete, who did a kegstand and danced with the bride after the father daughter dance.

i think luke could tell that i was alone and not as comfortable as i should have been. right after the ceremony, he slapped me on my back and said, 'let's get you a drink'. he was probably on glass three of wine by that time.

when the reception shifted from food to what should have been a dance party, pete kept grabbing my hand and dancing with me. only he liked to spin me, and i kept telling him not to. and we'd laugh pretty much every time he ignored me and spun me again. it was his favorite dance move. he was hysterical.

it was fun. i had a good time. and it was what i knew it would be. it was the way that every wedding should be. the two of them just belong together, and it didn't feel like two kids getting married, or like two people getting married for the wrong reasons.

the way it was put in a toast was that they've been married for a long time, but now they're making it official. and i couldn't have said it better.

so when it was about 11, and the cake was cut, i left. i said goodbye to pete, who was dancing with someone's grandmother, and to luke. i told him that he should find me on fb and that the next time i stay with my friend nate, we should grab a beer in the city.

i was grateful to him for keeping me company when i didn't want to be on my own anymore. and i think that if i had stayed, i would have gotten drunk and probably tried to kiss him. but i just felt so strange being there, though not at all panicky, and vulnerable maybe. so i knew i did the right thing. if i hadn't left so early, i would have given him a ride to the hotel, but i was definitely the first to leave.

in any case, the ride to kit was about an hour, and i was smoking most of the drive back. her sister and brother in law were awesome, and not at all angry that i showed up at about midnight.

kit and i stayed up pillowtalking and giggling for an hour or so before passing out, then got up early for brunch with a friend of hers from school who relocated to dc to work in a lab there.

went back to the house, had some more coffee, talked for a while, then went to run around dc for a while.

i couldn't smoke around her expecting sister, which proved to be a little harder than i thought, only because of the number of hours spent with her family. it's not that the non-smoking was hard. it was that i was cranky and tired, had a beer, had some food, all of which would normally be causes to smoke.

we had a beer at this amazing rooftop bar, which had the best view of anything in dc. panoramic view of every monument and building you could want to see. and it was just a few blocks from the white house, so we were as close as you can get. just mindblowing. if you had binoculars, there is no doubt that you could have seen the family running around inside the place.

the way i explained myself to kit was that i felt like i shouldn't have been there. they were so nice to me, and went out of their way to make me comfortable. i mean, her sister lent me socks and shoes so i could walk around with them.

i was on my last $50 by the time i got to their place, and a view like that comes with a hefty price. they bought us beers and an appetizer to split. and i couldn't justify buying lunch there, because the cheeseburger was $17. i just couldn't do it. so i decided to get dessert after they were eating, but the server never came back, despite our beers being empty before their lunch was gone, and i ended up eating most of kit's fries.

we had a discussion in the car about going to fancy places for food, how i am not now, and might not ever be comfortable with it. that i will try to get better at splurging every now and then, but that there was no way in hell i was going to spend that much at that time. and how her family has gotten over it, because they see each other so infrequently.

i don't know. i felt like i should have let kit hang with her friend and her family and that i should have just done my own thing. but all of them went out of their way to make me feel comfortable with them, so it was all in my own head.

it was just awkward. start to finish. driving alone, the wedding, dc tour. i didn't feel normal until i was nearly back here. kit and i were exhausted from our walking tour of dc and the smithsonian american history museum all afternoon.

what was awesome is that the drive that took five hours on the way down, took less than three on the way home. the difference that traffic makes is just unreal on that drive.

we debated going to the bar when we were back so far ahead of schedule. i was hungry and wanted a beer, but was wearing my stupid heels, and yoga pants, and had greasy hair in a pigtail and my broken glasses on, so there was no way i was going in looking like that.

so i came home, and grabbed a beer and some leftovers, and got into bed to watch the second episode of wonderfalls. it's nowhere near as good as pushing daisies, but i get to see lee pace for a couple minutes an episode, and the boy crush of the lead actress is hot, too. and when the episode ended, i couldn't keep my eyes open, despite wanting a smoke and a second beer. i just passed out. it was great, because i was so tired from all the driving and lack of sleep the night before.

and for today? well, today i cleaned my apartment top to bottom. and i feel really good about it. it smells good, it looks nice. i even made my bed for the first time all month. pretty funny. i never make my bed.

then i had some waffles. and some grits. and a smoke. and a visit from kit. and i think i might go get some fresh smoky air again, and maybe play some scrabs for good measure.

i think that what i'm left with from this weekend is this strange chain of memories from my own wedding, and the new string of the ones of ash and dave's. it's funny how time changes things in your mind. or how getting a divorce changes the way that you must have felt at the time into some new other type of feeling.

i don't remember much of my wedding. but i have a lot of pictures. and i guess more than anything else, today i think about how everyone must have felt watching us. because at the wedding this weekend, everyone there has known for a very long time that the two of them would be married. that they had found their matches. and i wonder who, at my wedding, was like 'who is this guy she's marrying?'

when i see our pictures, i think about how scared i look in most of them, and ever, too. and i just wonder how it would have felt to get married with the feelings that were going around this weekend. where the parents have known each other and loved each other for years. and where the friends are all mutual and like both of them equally. i know that most of my friends never much cared for ever. and his family was just weird. not nice, not willing to be close at all. i mean, his mom loved me, and his grandparents. but i think they would have loved anyone who took care of ever. they were just impressed that he got married, i think.

his grandmother was a jeweler, and that's who he got our rings from. and the day he asked me to marry him, he said that his grandmother had warned him that i might say no, and that, if i did, he shouldn't get upset with me, that i might just need more time.

i think that, knowing his past, they never thought he'd do the things that he did with me, and since me. and that kept me going for a long time. there was something to the 'proving them all wrong' thing. lumped into that were also my friends. i just can't figure out now why i felt like i had something to prove to anyone. because it compromised my judgment. and decision making.

i love cliches. they're timeless for a reason, right?

i threw caution to the wind. i thought i knew what i needed to know. and now i wonder if i even got married believing that it would be forever. i think i just thought it would be until ever died, and i expected to be a young widow.

i hope that nothing changes for the two of them. i hope that they just continue on the path they've been on for the last ten or so years. i'm certain that they will. marriage changed everything for me. i had no idea.

but for them? for them, it's an exciting time. and i bet that in the next year or maybe two, they will have a kid. her sister has a seven week old, and she can't seem to get enough.

they go to italy in the spring. i'm excited for them. and happy for them. and they have promised to invite me bowling the next time they go in a group.