flying home. december 20th.

this feels familiar.

getting to the airport wicked early. sitting at the gate, writing about what i expect to do when i get home, what i want to do when i get home, and just excited to be going home.

it's pretty surreal, honestly. i bought this ticket four months ago. so for four months now this trip has felt so far away. counting down from sixty days didn't change the way it feels, surprisingly. even the countdown from mom's package of twelve presents. and her subsequent visit.

i'm listening to the mix i made for nina last year. it's so sweet and sappy and familiar. it makes my belly hurt. it makes my heart flutter.

i can't wait to be there. and i can't believe i'm sitting here right now, waiting for my plane to arrive and take me there. it's the sweetest thing.

so, what do i expect? i don't know. without the coffee anxiety, looking forward to seeing him and grilling him, and trying to kiss him, there's no real fear this trip. without having to tell mom and dad that i'm getting a divorce, there's no anxiety this trip.

there are no tears.

there is only the usual nervousness about hopping onto a plane. and i have waited to take the ativan. mostly because i'm afraid of how it will affect me. and also because i would like to have a glass of wine on the plane like i always do, and i don't want to black out and wake up there, trying to navigate my way around finding my suitcase.

i packed so much. really, my suitcase is small - a carryon. and it's filled with clothes that both clean and dirty. and all my liquids to make security easier on myself.

i intend to buy a suitcase at home if i get loaded down with things to bring back.

and right now, i don't know why, but i'm surprisingly calm, and i feel like crying but not because i'm sad. i think just because i've been weepy lately.

watching things that are sad, dealing with death and loss and people leaving.

this was the first time i didn't get a ride to the airport. i took the train, after walking to the station, wheeling my fat suitcase down the streets of philadelphia.

cheap bitch, refusing to pay $28 for a cab to the airport, or a cab to the train itself.

maybe on the way home. it would probably be worth it then. once i'm back and just want to shake off the feeling of leaving all the things i love and know about home.

so this trip breaks down like this:

first, i get in tonight. just hang with mom and dad. smell the house. eat their food. i bought them soft pretzels because i could and knew they'd be into it.

tomorrow i have no plans at all. aubree gets in tomorrow night. i can't wait to see her.

wednesday, nina gets into town. i'm so excited to have so much time with her this trip. mom planned this extreme family reunion, i probably haven't seen most of these people since my wedding, which is both sad and horrible, but it will be fine. i intend to hang at aubree's side.

that night, perhaps one of the coolest parts of my trip, is an elementary school reunion. people i haven't seen in twenty years. there will be some middle schoolers and high schoolers there as well, so many people i haven't seen in so long.

i hope it's less awkward and more fun. i know it will be to some extent, just because of the people i'll be hanging out with, regardless of who else bothers to show up.

and thursday will be a mini reunion of nina and brownies.

the rest of my trip is a blank slate. i think brownies and i will probably try to relive our youth and go dancing, maybe on tuesday night, which nate swears by. i have yet to go, but have been hearing about it for a while now.

i've put off making plans with chalk, yet he was the first person to comment when i said something about coming home on fb yesterday.

i don't know what to expect. what i loved was having the control over the situation. i drive, i know when he comes in and when he leaves, it's my place, my plans, my restaurants, my bars, everything is mine.

being home and trying to hang out with him will be weird. it's mostly why i didn't come home before now. i didn't want to have three days home, and have him trying to see me.

i don't know. body-wise, i've been pretty into seeing him. but mentally and emotionally, i am not really ready.

pam and kim were giving me a lot of shit at work today about it. why i'm putting him off. why i didn't have him pick me up tonight.

and all i can come up with is that, first of all, i don't look as good as i looked this summer. second of all, he just isn't for me. this is the beauty of a buddy i guess.

i've been craving attention and affection. but i don't want his really. i mean, having fun is one thing. but i want a boyfriend i guess. and because he does nothing for me in that way, i guess i just have less to look forward to.

i think that in my mind, i haven't fully processed the fact that coffee is really taken and gone. i think i'll still be looking for him everywhere like i always do. and i guess i'm just not excited about any other boys the way he made me excited.

there's no boy back home now. and that might be why i feel a little sad.

i wish the writer was home for the holidays, but saying as how he's pretty much estranged from his family, that would never happen. it would be nice to see him and hang out with him.

yeah. no boy back home. and it makes me feel guilty to say that, in light of seeing chalk. but whatever. that's the beauty of an arrangement made out of convenience and physicality.

mmm. peet's coffee. my favorite thing about flying for the last couple years since they put it in the airport. even though i probably don't need it, i mean really don't especially in light of nerves. i can't help myself. it will counteract the wine on the plane.

god, last night i had a great dream. i was hanging with my 19 year old boyfriend, at my parents' house. and we were fooling around. it was amazing. and then we got into my car and went for a drive, and he was talking about how my mixes were so awesome.

it's because i watched nick and norah's this weekend. twice.

such a cute movie. the first night i saw it, it made me super lovesick. but the second time, i just cracked up because i knew what was coming.

our plane is here. i should probably use the bathroom now.

hopefully the cold i've had since thanksgiving that just won't go away will keep me from getting some other random illness on this flight. it's nice to not worry about h1n1 this time. god, the trip where i flew with the face mask was unreal. so horrible. and i didn't give a shit that i looked like a freak because i was being paranoid and careful.

this guy on the train was hacking up a lung and being a crackhead. i don't know what happens when you don't have fare and board a train, but i want to say that he was telling the septa dude that he didn't have money to pay.

it was weird. i couldn't wait for the ride to be over. and i really don't like riding backwards, and the seats were all backwards. i was looking out the window because i hadn't ever taken the train to the airport, but it was making me feel funny. i said a silent hi to robbie as i passed the bakery.

so close now i can taste it.

pretty funny to be sitting here thinking about stupid coffee and his new life for a few seconds, and then to hear things on the loudspeaker about chicago flights being canceled because of snow storms. i'd be pissed if that is where i was headed. all the connections are getting missed, and the plane isn't leaving.

i'd probably be sad, too. at least i live here, and could go home and come back.

which makes me think of the idea i had for another novel. my next one, perhaps.

the idea stemmed from a chat with nina. she asked me to take her back in time so she could get more work done.

and i was thinking about it later. how obsessed i was with going back in time for so long. and now that i'm out, and don't necessarily need to go back in time to undo my marriage, as i'm doing it the conventional way, i guess i started thinking about whether i'd go back and unmeet ever. and then i started thinking about what my life would have been like if i did that. because i think that if i could, i'd go back and never meet him. it makes me sad to think of what i'd be giving up to do that, but i guess i'd lean towards doing it anyway.

so the story will be an account of what happened when i didn't.

what i did with coffee. what i did with the sun. how i ended up. what my life became. what my life was like. how i turned out.

i don't know which direction to go, but i will write it out when i'm home.

god i have to pee again. ugh. fucking nerves. and now we're boarding...

and now we're in the air. :)

and upon announcing our descent? holy SHIT! i'm here. i'm fucking EXCITED.

i'm on vacation. iiiiiieeeeeeeeee!