holidaze. may 30th, for real.

yeah. that was pretty crazy last night.

i think i fell asleep sometime after six am. i had a cigarette at 545. i had most of a beer before and after that cigarette. i knew that if i didn't, i'd never fall asleep again.

but i did. i willed myself back to sleep, and got up feeling decent at 1030. i woke up at 9, but refused to get out of bed.

i had a lot of coffee here. then i went to brunch with kit and had some more there.

it was cute. she came over before brunch, when i was still in my pjs and looking a hot mess. we had a smoke on the stoop.

i felt pretty rotten. i was having a hormone headache. my two parts of sleep were still heavy on me.

and she wanted to talk about how we talk to each other. i think she thought she was being too rough on me.

and i got a note from nina. three little lines, saying that i should say what i said i needed to say. and that he's a cutie, and there was a connection. to ask, and to start to move on and have a new journey.

everyone is so blunt. and i love it.

it's like this drawing nina drew in an old journal. of her slapping me across the face and yelling 'snap out of it!'

it's the same thing again. about the same thing, assuredly.

and it did knock some sense into me.

like, oh, yeah. right.

i'm getting a divorce. i'm trying to figure out what to do with my life once i reclaim it.

i'm trying to figure out what business i want to own and operate. and where i want to live.

there are so many things for me to think about and talk about. and somehow coffee the boy seems like a total waste.

so i'll try my best to shut up about that. because the more i give it, the worse it gets.

i'll starve the fire. i'll snuff it out. and light it up in three weeks.

tomorrow i have a 'sit down' with ever.

tomorrow i'll have a whole slew of things to write about.

all the mean things he says to make me cry.

all the things his lawyers have advised him about.

the purpose of the meeting is to sign the lease with the roommates.

the other purpose, hopefully, is to see what he came up with in terms of mediators to settle this thing and fucking file already.

eleven days until dark sky park. i got our reservation tonight. it is official. it is ON. same with the brewery.

kit's birthday comes a month and a half after her birthday. i'm such a good friend.

there are exciting things that come with this territory. like, buying a tent for instance. and a couple of camping chairs. sleeping bags. a cooler.

little things that will present opportunities in my future life. i haven't been camping since i went with the sun. it's been over ten years! there is no excuse for that. none at all, whatsoever.

and it will make the fall more fun. because when the weather cools after this summer, camping will be a fun new hobby to try out. and a good excuse for more road trips to new places.

this trip means taking a five hour road trip with kit.

and seeing the stars. and hopefully, HOPEFULLY seeing saturn. if it is in the sky, that is. i should probably look into that before i get my hopes up.

i want to see those rings. i want to see mars. and even jupiter. but especially saturn.

i found out today, that if it rains, if it's cloudy, then all the money is for nothing. because there will be no canceling the event unless there's some horrific catastrophe.

i'll start praying to the clear sky gods that reside somewhere above dark sky park.

please don't let it rain on my star party. please just for one night. just for a few hours, even. i'll camp in the pouring fucking rain. i just want to be able to see everything.

anything. something.

i won't complain. i won't be a bitch. i just want to stare at the sky and see what i see.

so that is exciting. and that is coming up.

and after that adventurous weekend, i will start the diet.

i will give up beer until i go home.

i will give up fries and chips and everything i love. for two weeks.

tonight i go to sleep at a respectable hour. tomorrow i don't have any plans except to see ever for about an hour. and i don't even know when. the movie thing fell through, i guess. which is just fine by me.


something happened today. right after that note from nina and the chat with kit.

i got a note from one of ever's friends. correction: a note back from our friend jay.

i'd been really bummed out on it because i had written him saying that i missed them a lot, and that i hoped to see them soon.

and when i didn't hear back, i thought that the last two people i'd hoped to salvage from the split had sided with him as well.

but in a few quick lines, he put my mind at ease. they were just super busy. and maybe it means that i'll have to see them at the house. but maybe not.

but whatever i was worrying about, it is okay again now.

i took to heart what he said to me. and it made me feel bad that i'd doubted it. and like a headcase. but that is really nothing new.

so. tomorrow. i'm just trying to soak up the weekend and not do much of anything. because this week was a killer, and i deserve to not be killing myself. to recover. completely.

and if tomorrow sucks because of the damper known as ever, then fuck it.

because i have monday to get over sunday.

and that, dear reader, is a wonderful thing.

second post, may 29th, technically.

it's funny. when you end up at the end of a road, you have no choice but to turn yourself around and ask, 'how did i get here? which turns brought me here?'

i don't know. it feels like that. you re-evaluate your life decisions, the ones that seem to make a difference in hindsight. and sometimes you overthink, that is true.

but thinking is how you try to not repeat the same mistakes. and learning is what the journey becomes about. it keeps you from feeling like you failed at something. it keeps you from losing hope that you'll be happy again.

i can't help that i want to know this. it is a path that i passed by. and just like when you're lost, i kept seeing the sign for that same exit, yet i missed it every time. it was always something with the timing. i'd be three lanes away from the turn. and despite the fact that i'd been lost for so long, i couldn't remember how to get unstuck. how to try to catch that exit.

i cannot wait for dark sky park.

part of me can't wait for skydiving.

i feel like i have a bucket list at 32. i feel like i'm back from this life that felt like dying. little atrophied dreams that i've held onto watching them die one by one. and getting fed up with that. and saying that enough is enough and walking away. cutting your losses. starting over again.

i don't know how i makes me feel.

lonely, definitely.

stupid, sometimes.

immature and selfish often.

but no one said that self discovery is easy. and no one said it was fun. i don't know. there's a lot i want to say, but i don't want to spoil anything either.

how to find that line and stay to the right of it?

how to hint at something, or get at something without giving it all away?

i kept saying to kit, when i was tipsy early on in the night, 'the bottom line for me is...'

but i had like six bottom lines.

i am trying to think of even one right now. i'm completely forgetting all of them.

one bottom line is that i need to know if i just made the whole thing up. i don't think that i did.

another is that i need to know, on some level, if all the time i've invested has been a waste, or if it is deserving of more time. and energy. even if it is all only mental energy.

the bottom line i need to determine is what i want from any or all of this.

because that is what i think the bottom line should be.

to say that i want something more than this is not really enough. i know that it doesn't make sense to want any of it. but the way that i felt in december. the way that i felt off and on over all these years. that is what it is. that gut feeling.

i don't want to move home. but if something could happen, i'd do it. the added bonus would obviously be living close to my family and nina. and if i gave it a set amount of time, it wouldn't be like giving up and moving home. it would just be an experiment.

i don't want to be treated the way that i was before. like, take a number. get in line. and if i have time, maybe... i will not take that ever again.

not to say that i won't 'date'. but to care about someone that much, and to like someone that much, and to not be treated respectfully was not okay.

i don't want to make myself too available. when i play this scenario out to the end and it ends well, i imagine trying to inject myself into his life. i say often that he has a lot of friends, and a lot of circles. work circles, play circles, team circles. and unlike me, where i can count my friends on one hand, it's a lot of time and energy that is being directed there, and i'd be taking from that and interfering with that.

and unless it was like the lawton thing the last time i was with him, where i had this clue that she knew of me before i met her, that could be incredibly tricky.

but at the same time, if my friends i can count on one hand met him someday, they'd all know exactly who he is. because i talk about him.

it's not that it's so unlikely. it's that it's so unlikely of him. it's not that i'm wanting too much or asking too much. it's that i'm wanting too much and asking too much of him.

the word i can't let go of for tonight, kindof like the bottom line phrase, is 'chemistry'.

because it really is that simple.

twinkly eyes - heart flutters - stomach drop - smiles - giggles

it is all just a FEELING. at the end of the day, there is NO concrete evidence. there is no data. there are no statistics. there are no algorithms.

there is only a feeling that i have when i am standing next to him. there is only a tiny hint of that when i'm thinking about him.

all night i wanted to cry. i don't know why. same thing, i guess...just a feeling. like i need to let something go and get it out of my system. have a good cry and start over again.

as long as i'm on the road analogy, maybe there's more to that.

i've always hated the adage about it not being the destination, but the journey.

i'm too impatient. i just want to take the shortcuts and get there. no scenic route. i feel like being with ever was the scenic route. and not in a good way. in the way that extends your trip exponentially, so that by the time you're where you're going, you're ready to kill each other. and vow to never travel with that person. ever again.

fuck me. the sun is coming up. i've now been up so late that it's early. i want a cigarette so badly. but i am afraid that if i sit outside during the sunrise, i might come entirely unhinged.

it was all fine and good while it was still dark.

but now it's not fine. or good. now i'm trying to figure out how i will have a normal day tomorrow. or in a a few hours from now, because it's not technically tomorrow. it's technically today.

long walk home from grace's. may 28th.

i'm beyond tired. i'm in bed before nine on a friday night.

it's okay, though.

tonight, i got a talking to.

and i had a listen, also.

but i got the third degree from kit. and her friend who is a guy.

she wanted me to start thinking about home.

as if i don't do that enough already.

like i need help.

only, i do.

i do need help.

last night, writing, i went into it.

and if i had the energy, i'd reiterate. but i don't.

so i'm just going to start over.

i got on this stalker kick last night, because of something she said to me about stalking.

i couldn't help it. that girl tagged him in a picture of their lobster dinner.

and thanked him, love, for the dinner.

i guess associations matter. because the only one i have is of the awful former roommmate calling all boys 'love'.

and yes, i have stalker tendencies. but i was only seeing one thing that was in my feed. and that couldn't be helped. obviously, this girl wanted it to be there. for whatever reason.

but tonight was different. i had kit telling me what i have to do. and then we went to dinner with a boy who is her friend. and then he basically said that, of course it is what i think.

he mentioned chemistry. and obviously, if he knew i was going to be there, he went there to see me.

what i didn't mention was that he negated that by saying to me, 'tea and nina... i haven't seen them in forever.'

but still.

i have a picture. and his head is practically on my boob. and that is irrelevant in a way.

because the thing is, i know what to ask. i know what to say.

i've been planning that for months. what i don't know, the variable, is what he will say when i ask. from what i've told her, kit thinks that he will tell me what he thinks i want to hear, if i'm not overly cautious in how i ask it. or if i don't have a follow up question in mind beforehand.

that he'll know what i want him to say. and that he'll answer accordingly. because if he is in it for the attention, he'll keep that going.

all i have to ask is why he never kissed me. and if he says he wanted to, i have to know what to say next. or ask. because if my heart is too in it, it will show. and she also recommended that i give it a set amount of time, and change the subject. so i can process later.

hearing it from an objective boy was better. and he said that living a life of regret isn't what it should be. that life is suffering, but if there was chemistry, is chemistry, saying something now could make it so that we are both happy.

he didn't recommend kissing him if he has a girlfriend. it didn't help seeing the dundees episode of the office just before going out. because it wasn't the one where jim puts it all on the line for pam, but it was the season before that, when she's drunk and kisses him after she gets her award. and he essentially said it was an awesome night. even though it was a total disaster.

i cannot help it. i want a hollywood ending.

and who better to have it with than my coffee?

i'm nuts. i know this.

but i have to get over it. move on. get on with it.

and in three weeks, or maybe only two, for calendar's sake, i need to send him a text that essentially says, 'hey. i'm coming home. would you like to have a drink when i do?'

and i don't know how to word it. or if it is appropriate at all. but i have to.

and her friend asked why i wasn't driving home right now to ask him.

but thinking that he thought that makes me feel less crazy.

i wrote for an hour last night. and lost the entire thing.

i wrote about the last post. i wrote about work. i wrote about the movie date tomorrow. i wrote about coffee.

and it's all gone now.

some days i think, 'i should just delete the entire blog'. the way that kit threw her journal into the ocean. the way that aubree's girl throws hers away after surviving a hard time.

but i can't. i cling too much to things i write. even if they are mundane. or total shit.

i'm going to bed. really early on a friday night. because i can. not because i want to.

i just want this whole thing to be over with.

like, day one. land. sleep. wake up. get sun. go out with coffee. ask the question. get on with my life. and then take two weeks at home to recover.

if the worst case scenario is him saying 'what are you TALKING about???', then that is what it is. and if the worst case scenario is me not being able to think of a way to pin him down on it until the next day or week, that is unacceptable.

i have to get my answer. and i have to know.

and part of me hopes he does have a girlfriend.

and part of me hopes he just kisses me right then and there. or that i kiss him. same difference. well, different. but same end result. i want him to be my first kiss after years of draught.

and part of me wants to never write or think of him again.

but as is apparent from this blathering on, part of me is going to fuck myself royally by never forcing him to either make it or break it. so that i can keep up with the tortured, tormented musings.

it's all i can think about. all day, every day. from now until i am there. hopefully, sitting across from him, getting my chance.

all this thinking led to dreaming.

last night, i was dreaming that i was curled up with him.

and i woke up this morning, because in my dream i woke up to him kissing the nape of my neck.

and i was coming unglued. i woke up feeling so incredible in the dream. my skin was crawling. only it wasn't real. not yet.

it's all i want. kit keeps asking me what i want. and i do not know.

i don't know. not the slightest clue.

but a place to start would be right there. waking up. because i slept next to him again. and he couldn't stand to sleep next to me, without kissing the back of my neck.

if that happened, i'd die happy.

i'd have my cake. and eat it, too.

one month, to the day... may 25th.

four hours of time to wind down before going to bed to get up for work is not enough.

day two. not fun.

i decided to go back through online photo albums today.

i got back to the trip home in december.

and from there, all the way back in time.

seeing ever in photographs, and things dated 03.23.03 made my stomach hurt.

everything is just so foreign to me now. it's crazy.

i keep feeling lately like he has joined forces with the web design guy and hacked into my email account or facebook account or something. anything.

maybe it's because of nina's friend's drama.

but i keep wondering if, because my email is through his business, he has access.

i've always been paranoid. my whole life. but this feeling is strange.

if he did, i sure hope he read the ecard nina sent me yesterday. it was the best one in a long time...

'my lawyer is going to fuck you more than i ever cared to'

i was DYING laughing on the phone with her when she told me she sent it.

anway, i wonder if the reason he is being such an asshole is because he knows what i'm really thinking. because he is reading it all.

i have been incredibly careful.

but just like how he flipped out over pictures that i eventually hid from his view, i worry that he is seeing something i didn't think to hide.

files i might have left on the computer at the house. or deleted but forgot to empty from the recycle bin.

i'm not a good liar. i never have been. i'm not good at covering my tracks.

and i never had a reason to until now.

i was talking to kit about him this weekend.

she said that ever was most likely able to see that his profile was viewed when that whole dating site thing happened, because i really want to know if he knows that i know about it. it makes me feel good to have this card up my sleeve for use at some later date when i need it.

only i don't think that i do. i feel like when i go to use the secret hidden card, i'll drop it or something. and he'll just laugh, because it was a joke. or a trick. without significance.

all i know is that the site is designed to show you who is looking at your information.

which is pretty scary, for future reference.

as far as i'm concerned.

it all makes me want to make up a fake profile and just snoop around.

but i also believe that it would keep me up at night, if i did that.

i don't want to know who is looking at me.

i don't want people to know that i'm looking at them.


everything is so weird right now.

everything at work is broken or breaking.

two things a day, on average. i'm up to six things since last friday. doors are falling off of things.

(this is another very scattered post. i'm trying to tie it together now, and i'm shaking my head at myself, because i can't even follow my thought process from last night!)

what nina is being subjected to, because of her choice in a friend, is out of control. it terrifies me, and it's not even my life. and i keep thinking of little shreds of what is happening to her friend, and wondering if it is happening to me, or could, or would. if ever would be so angry at any point to do something like that.

what's worse is that i'm so tired, i don't know if i'm overthinking or overreacting to things right now. and because i don't have to know, i can't remember if this is the time when hormones are making act all crazy, or if i'm just acting all crazy on my own accord. i've been off birth control since i guess february. i can't remember. so i have nothing to tell me when i'm naturally or artifically pissed off.

(i called it. eating everything in the house after day three of thinking 'man, i'm in a bad mood' is the dead giveaway. and being extra super tired...)

i'm so tired. completely exhausted.

and all i can think about, when i try to go to sleep at night, is coffee.

what if, just like my manic/depressive cycles, i have manic coffee/depressive coffee cycles?

i know i just wrote a week or two ago that i didn't think about him at all. i had other distractions. i literally did not think of him.

but, as always, that fades. and then i'm right back where i left off. which is where i cannot NOT think about him.

i really think about it for a few hours a night. two, maybe. possibly more. i mostly think about what will happen when i go home again.

tonight i ran into the picture my sister took of us talking.

and it's his SMILE. i cannot let go of it. it looks so real. it looks so genuinely happy. i know how i felt, lightheaded and giddy, talking to him.

but something else happened this week that i am both incredibly jealous of, and that has fucked me in the head, royally, in this aspect.

perhaps this is why the smile matters to me at all anymore, after the night he smiled it.

kit got a phone call. i hope she doesn't mind me posting this.

(if you do, tell me - i'll take it down)

she got a phone call. from this guy she was friends with nine years ago, or something like that.

they were like best friends, i think. but there was one night of making out somewhere back then.

and he called her, just sunday. as in a couple days ago.

and he told her that he is in love with her.

and that he can't be with anyone else, because all he can think about is that night nine years ago. all he can think about is her.

and he called her just to tell her that.

two days ago.

after being out of touch. for years.

and when i look at that picture of coffee, and when i think about that conversation wherein the photo was taken, i can kid myself into thinking he'd say something like that to me.

but when i'm laying in bed at night, awake, thinking about it, he never says that. at best, we end up curled up together in what i imagine his bed to be like. in the little fantasy, for lack of a better word.

there's no girlfriend to hide from. he just invites me over and we fall asleep like we did all those years ago.

and at its sexiest, i can only imagine his hand under the bottom of my shirt, on my bare belly. i can imagine kissing his neck, i know i did that once, but it was so subtle i don't know that he noticed. i was nuzzled, so...

but everything else? everything else is beyond what my little brain can even imagine.

so... why? why do i think that this is even what i want?

i honestly do not know.

i mean, i can't have some future boyfriend scenario when i can't even imagine making out or having sex with this guy. right? much less, how to conduct a boyfriend scenario when i live six states away. maybe if i kissed him one little time, i'd be able to imagine making out with him. and all it takes is one night of making out to starting thinking about getting carried away.

last night, i was wondering if he ever got over his hangups in bed. one of the things i loved about him was that he matched me in the inexperience department. i think sex scared him. and i was just a prude. but regardless, it was a priority to neither of us. and i'm sure we both lost our fair share of contenders because we wouldn't sleep with them.

but surely, at the brink of 40, he has to have gotten over it, right?

i mean, if i wasn't married, would i have?

something makes me think my answer is no. because here i am, almost not married, and i'm not over them.

and if i'm the same, in that respect, could he be, too?

what if i went home? what if i went home and told him that i am free? what if i went home and told him that i am free and that i think about him sometimes?

what if i called him up, like this boy who called kit, and said that i was in love with him?


but i'm just playing pretend right now.

what if i did it?

i mean, there's only one way to know.

and i'm not willing to do that.

because, just like with kit, saying those words to someone doesn't mean that they feel the same way. not in the least. not that she thinks this boy is nuts or crazy, but it certainly shocked her, and from what i gathered in the three minutes she talked about it, she doesn't feel that way about him.

but if she chooses to tell him, he will know.

and that's the thing.

how do i say something that would put it out there, without putting it all on the line?

and more importantly, how would he react? would there be eight more years of not hearing from him? will i be 75 and going home looking for him?

and how could he not care enough to start a game with me, or friend me first, or call me, or anything, if he felt anything that remotely resembled interest?

the conclusion i repeatedly have come to is that he doesn't feel anything for me. except the rush of adrenaline thinking 'she still likes me. after all this time'.

before he knew that i was married, he could so easily have said something to me if he wanted to. if he thought about me as much as i think about him. or even if it was only one time.

even if it was just the slightest curiosity.

fairytale-ending tea wants to believe that there is SOMETHING. some hint of truth to what he said when he saw me, about so many good memories with me. and beyond that, wanting to make a few more.

but, obviously, he doesn't drudge up his past as often as i do, and obviously he didn't write books about me like i wrote about him. so he can't consult his notes like i can.

what am i going to do? i feel so lost over this thing.

i am terrified. i am so afraid of saying anything to him. in my little trying-to-fall-asleep-at-night scenarios, i never allude to any of this.

it's just us talking. about our lives and about our relationships.

but we never broach the subject of what the two of us had, if you could even call it that. more likely, what the two of us were afraid to attempt. and the fun we had while we didn't attempt it.

how do you tell someone that you settled, because you couldn't have them? because they never paid attention to you?

that's the bottom line for me.

do you tell them?

or do you leave it lurking below the surface, where it's been barely breathing for the last twelve years?

i can't do it.

i don't have a plan. perhaps it is my sagittarian spirit that refuses to plan for this.

but in one month from today, i will be taking off in an airplane. right now, exactly.

and two hours from now, in one month, i will be home.

and i have to say, that if i don't get this question of 'will you grab a drink with me' out of the way in those first four days i'm home, i won't do it.

i know it.

because the day i fly back is his birthday. and he has a lot of friends who will want to share it with him.

this might be the most poorly timed trip home ever, in that respect. but i couldn't time this trip around his birthday. i mean, i have spoken to him once in the last eight years.

how crazy am i?

what the fuck?

this week is about going through it all. with a fine tooth comb. shit with ever. shit with my emotional well-being, or lack thereof. and shit with coffee. i miss my shrink. work has fucked me over to where i can't go see her. and i feel like i need to. it's been a rough few weeks since i was there.

anyway, this is my last chance to really think about it before i act on it.

i have four weeks.

last night, i remembered heima.

my need to take it home in my new suitcase.

the fucking DESIRE i feel in my stomach to make him watch it with me.

to casually lean back on his chest. to maybe even hold his hand during the saddest parts, like i used to.

he wouldn't have to know that i'd been planning it for a year.

he wouldn't have to hear my heart beating out of my chest.

he wouldn't have to know that i'd be crying over him, not the music, when heysatan and the stone marimba parts played.

he wouldn't have to know anything.

ramen. may 23rd.

back to comfort foods, i guess.

i think i might be starting to slip a little. lose my mind a bit.

i'm not sure what is happening in my brain, but it goes something like this:

i have lost my ability to parallel park.

i am letting ever get to me. as in, psyche me out. he's being a dick, and he's saying things that i'm mostly certain are aimed at letting me know that his lawyer advised him to say it.

after he said on the phone that he would respond to my email (the one i posted with all the emotional bullshit), he didn't. today i got an email from him stating that he called me at 110pm on friday, may 21st, and that i did not return his call.

who does that?

he elected to put that in writing? i told nina today. i don't know how i was ever married to him! really... this person i'm interacting with right now? not recognizable as the same person. not in the least.

he's crossed the line from being a piece of shit husband to being a total douchebag. i don't like it. and there's nothing i can do about it.

i asked if one of his lawyers knows of a mediator so we can try to go about it that way. he didn't respond to that at all.

yesterday twice, and once today, i had an optical migraine. i don't know the last time i had one, it's probably been years. but it makes me very dizzy and disoriented. it only lasts for a second or two, but there's a lasting feeling that doesn't go away for a while. everything tumbles clockwise or counter-clockwise. kinda like when i drink way too much vodka.

today it happened at kit's. yesterday once when i was in my car, but not driving it, and again in front of the computer.

and there was this thing that happened on friday night.

i don't know what it was. but i was sitting outside, and thought the cars were driving on the wrong side of the road. i looked to see who they were driving around. there was no car double parked. and then i realized that they were in fact on the right side of the road. and i couldn't understand why i thought that they weren't.

so. i feel like my brain is having issues right now.

i went to bed last night feeling fine.

i woke up at 5 because i was sweating and my heart was racing. only not from a nightmare.

i fell back asleep, and woke up at 730 the same way.

i got up at 9.

i don't know.

i'm dreading tomorrow at work.

i already know i'm not going to sleep tonight. when something changes with work, that i'm stressed about or focused on, it messes up my sleep.

i start sandwiches tomorrow. and i will be making sandwiches in my sleep all night tonight. i just know it.

and i'll wake up completely exhausted to go to work for 9 hours, after i worked in my sleep for 8 hours.

and after that successful (in my humble opinion) short story i wrote, the second one i started was not working at all. so i'm scrapping it.

and now i can't think of another song that inspires me as much as rootless tree. not a single one.

and that's a bummer.

i made a few minor edits to stardust. or, the story formerly referred to as stardust. and looked into some self-publishing info the writer sent to me.

and then have all but finished editing the entire blogs-worth of book. all three hundred pages of it. it's over 131k words! IT IS INSANE. at what point do i call it a wrap?

i wanted to make it so that it's done when the divorce is done.

but i can't have a 200 or 300k word book. no one will ever read that!

i guess i have to edit myself, cut stuff out that is less applicable, omit stories that are not as strong.

so, yeah. this bowl of ramen is not what i should be eating. the beer i'm going to drink when i finish this is also probably not a good idea. the bowl of home fries i had for brunch rounds out my carb-a-thon.

oh, saint atkins, guardian of lower bmi, grant me the strength to start this diet sometime this week. i have to stop the madness. stop with the sweets, and drink jack and diet instead of beer. stop with the popcorn (it had been months without it) and go back to eating pepperoni as a snack. i think i've eaten five bags of chips in total since i moved into this apartment. almost two a week. disgusting.

just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. of course, so does the 'diet'.

all in the name of a little string bikini. good god. i should do what the girl in that yogurt commercial did. put the bikini on the mirror, and stare at it longingly while i shove meat and cheese and lettuce into my mouth.

suffice it to say, today was a shitty day. i feel like getting into bed and not getting out. i don't want to deal with anything. i don't want to talk. i don't want to field legal advice from ever. i don't want to wake up in the morning. i don't want to ride my bike.

the only good things that happened today were shrouded in frustration.

first, i got my thao-mirah tickets. i cannot WAIT. like, really really cannot wait.

and on my way back to my car, stopped in the art supply store for 5 brand new micron pens. all of mine got mixed in with shit at the house. so i treated myself.

they are my favorite. i spent $12 on them, and i'm very happy. i even got a blue one and a brown one.

pay no attention to the hour i spent in the car getting something like 40 blocks from home to get them. just the end result.

one month til thao. swoon...