oh, ever... june 24th.

so, today, i got this bombshell:

I looked and I don't see either of the plastic folders you're talking about.
I have some friends still staying with me until tomorrow afternoon and then I'll go through everything again to see if I can find them.

as for the other email you sent I do remember discussing those options with you but for the record I don't agree with the terms or the way they are written. There are still things we need to work out before I will agree with your demands after you jumped ship.

I don't need a mediator. I hope we can come to an agreement without outside help but if that's what it takes to make things right then so be it.

I know you're not as shallow as you come across. Along the way we were happy and you were in love with me and for you to deny me and yourself that fact is psychotic. I will always love and care about you.

As for me disputing the divorce, as long as you list the reasons you gave up on trying to get through a rough patch and make our marriage work, I'm fine with it.
Since I was willing to go to marriage counseling, get another job and accommodate your other demands on an agreed time line "which I did" it wouldn't be honest to say our marriage ended because of irreconcilable differences.

Here are a list of reasons you gave me in no particular order. Pick a few of your favorites to list and I'll sign the divorce papers with a smile, but if you try to make it look like I wasn't willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage you will find out very fast how wrong you handled everything.

1."you didn't sign up for this"
2."you'll never be able to open your own coffee shop while I was still working at (his business)"
3."you want someone to take care of you financially"
4."I don't make enough money for you"
5." you don't love me anymore"
6. "you just want to be alone and find out who you really are"
7. I never fully understood the reason you were trying to explain to me, about "you turning into your grandmother who is just waiting for your grandfather to die so she can sew blankets" but if you can word that correctly I'll take it as a reason.
8. you "feel like you settled"
9. You "weren't in love with me for the past couple of years so you thought us buying a house together that we were going to be struggling to afford would fix things, the same way other couples have a child to try to save their marriage".
10. one of my personal favorites "I didn't please you sexually"

stay safe,

and i penned this response initially, though it won't be edited and sent until i return from my trip home in two weeks:

okay. look for the folders.

(i since found that i had, in fact, taken them when i left. i have the cert in my hot little hands...)

let me know what you find.

i didn't know that you were thinking of contesting the divorce. it's called an uncontested divorce because both parties agree that it didn't work. in pa, you don't place blame on one party or the other. it's no fault, kinda like car insurance.

whatever all this other stuff is you're talking about, i don't really understand where it's coming from. you've made no attempt to speak to me about any matters that involve emotions.

surely you remember what you wrote in the valentine's day card. if you need me to dig up old journals (really, i'd use the blog, but he doesn't know that it exists) and rattle off dates where we had conversations about things that i wrote down, then i could do it. only it is a waste of my time, because it won't make you see anything differently.

i'm not shallow and i'm not making demands.

there were happy times, sure. there was also a lot of struggle, and more than too much imbalance. but in the end, i was not happy. and you said that every reason i gave you didn't matter, because i wasn't in love with you and you didn't want to be married to someone who wasn't in love with you.

and you told me that if i separated myself from you, that it was over. you were the one who wasn't willing to entertain that idea. you told me on several occasions, that if i left, i would never be allowed to come back.

so how could you possibly need more reasons that the two ultimatums/threats that you gave me.

i didn't realize that you were on an honestly kick all of a sudden. it seems to me that you've done nothing but lie to me since i left. if you were really 'the good frede' (his username on the dating website he is listed on), then i guess you wouldn't have to go so far to prove it to other people.

you can say that you were willing to do everything except clean the house, clean yourself, man up, and stop smoking weed. you weren't willing to get another job, you said that you'd be giving up faith in your company if you did that, and that you'd figure out another way. you refused to entertain the idea, and that is when i really threw my hands up in the air. you chose weed over sex with me on several occasions when our relationship was in crisis mode, and had no desire to take care of me in any way, except by telling me that you loved me.

i don't know where all of this is coming from, but i'm sure there are reasons other than irreconcilable differences. choose another, if you must. you've committed adultery, perhaps, since i left you?

your rendition of what i listed as reasons is a little skewed. but i refuse to go over this yet again with you.

if i have repeatedly repeated things and this is what you take from it, then i cannot help you.

the things you forgot to list were about sacrificing my dreams for yours, and promising me that it would be my turn year after year.

i was lonely in our marriage. when i told you that, you laughed. when i went home to get away, you belittled me. when i talked to you about the book, you made fun of me. and in the last days i was there, you said that if i made an appointment with a counselor, you probably wouldn't make it, because something would come up.

when keeping your personal favorite in mind, list a few times that our sex was over when you got me off and didn't get off yourself. i can only think of a couple, and it wasn't because you just wanted to please me. it was because you were either too stoned or too tired or your body wasn't working.

i can't force you to sign anything. but if you still think i am your wife and that we are still married, then you are the one who is psychotic.

you took off your ring, too. and unlike you, i'm not looking to hook up with random people online. so it seems to me that you're actually more into this divorce than i am, from where i stand.

but it's a nice try. i appreciate the effort after it's too late. just like i appreciated the fact that you started to clean yourself, the house, shave, and be a better man after i left you.

if you really want one more reason, i'm happier since i left. i feel better about myself and i have more confidence and faith in myself. every day that i'm away from you, i'm one step closer to making my own future better. because you are no longer my anchor.

and telling me that i can't go certain places to see mutual friends just reiterates the fact that you're being selfish and petty. and that your only job now is to try to make me as unhappy as you apparently are.

well, it won't work.

try as you might, i'm better now. with or without the charms of a former life i shared with you. you can take what you want from me, but i'm done with giving more to you.

if you can't find the folders, i'll just get a duplicate copy.

i'm sure all of your free lawyers can help you figure out another reason to list, if irreconcilable differences is morally troublesome to you. this conversation, or email, is exactly what irreconcilable differences are.

the last few years was the rough patch. and if you were so willing to do all the things you claim to have planned to do, then perhaps you could have done just one. but instead, you just planned. and did none.


after i wrote that, i had a smoke and called my sister and family, who were amping me up for the trip home.

and then i got a note from nina, who said:

DID he go to counseling?
DID he get a new job?
DID he stop smoking pot?
DID he please you sexually?

Ugh. So if he's happy to agree with one of those reasons, then wtf is he
talking about?
And what are the terms he does not agree with?

So fine, HE's perfect and HE's fine and HE's wonderful, it is just YOU
that is fucked up and wrong? Is that what he's trying to prove here?

Love you, and I'm not /settling/ to call you my best friend,

i'm listening to dark sky mix (aka spring mix), and this song came on. it's a song i used to listen to with coffee. and i had it on this mix i made for ever when we were first dating. it came up on shuffle when kit and i were driving home from dark sky park, just before the speeding ticket.

and it serves as a reminder that i was merely transferring feelings from coffee to him. and i was telling kit about it the other night.

i don't know. getting ready for nina's visit. getting ready to go home. i now have a party planned and i'm just so ready to be there, emotionally.

as far as work goes, there are still loose ends. and there is absolutely nothing i can do about the main one, which is that one shift.

work was frustrating again today. i'm trying to just put it aside. i know that my hormone levels are making it hard for me to be nice all day every day.

and especially having that email from ever timed as it was.

i know that he knows i'm going home. i know he knows that i'm excited. because i'm sure our friends are mentioning something to him. or are willing to spy on me for him. and i think this is his fucked up way of trying to wreck my trip.

but he's not succeeding. he derailed me for a minute tonight. i thought i was going to throw up after reading it initially. and again when i was smoking after i wrote the unsent response.

kit went bowling, and i called my sister.

some time after that, i felt fine.

then i came back and cleaned more for nina.

then i went back to get my dry laundry.

then i packed and got really fucking excited.

this time tomorrow, i'll be on home turf. and i cannot wait to see what happens when i'm there.

surely there will be a waiting-for-the-plane-with-peet's-coffee post, while i wait in the terminal for the plane that will carry me home.

to a place where i'm loved and where i have so much condensed fun.

where i will see old friends again, and get sun, and swim, and dance my ass off, and probably get drunk more than once.

and where i will, FINALLY, get the answer to that question that has been derailing my life, despite a marriage, for the last year. probably longer.

burn you up. june 23rd.

let's try this again. sleep would be good. if i could get some.

so today was day three. i wake up in the morning. and the pillow that i curl up with to fall asleep at night? i'm on top of it. completely. usually i wake up nowhere near it. or it's at my head. or my arm is around it the way i fell asleep.

but not this week. this week, my upper body is completely on top of it.

today i was thinking, as i will be for the next six days, that i don't know if i remember how to kiss. every time i mention this, i hear, 'don't be ridiculous.' one time, alice even said, 'it's like riding a bike. you never forget.'

i'm too excited.

i'm making plans and i'm so ready to see everyone.

i talked to aubree on the phone today for probably two hours.

blathering on about work and the divorce, and plans for when i'm there. what we'll do together. when she'll be around. stuff like that.

and i'm even MORE excited now, because she's going to see the tattoo guy either tonight or tomorrow to make our appointments for our sister tattooes.

i drew this girl in a journal a long time ago. a little line drawing of a girl sitting under an apple tree, only the apple is a heart, and she's wearing headphones. the style is completely borrowed from nina's, but i love it even though it's unoriginal to my own self.

if money was no object, i'd let nina draw a million things for me and get them all tattooed on my body.

aubree loved this one, and we've talked about getting it for over a year, more like two years.

and we're finally going to do it.

i'm getting it for her. and because it's pretty little, about the size of a half dollar, and because the guy charges a minimum, i'm going to push my luck and see how much i can get out of it.

i have wanted this little heart on the pad of my ring fingertip for months. i saw it, and it's so cute. and i want it.

i can't find the picture anywhere. it's just a little black outline. tiny.

and now that it's no longer my ringed finger, i think that putting a little heart there has even more meaning to me.

and while he's at it, i'll take as many little random stars as he'll give me.

it's all one color. it's all line work, they're all tiny.

anywhere he'll stick them, i'll take them.

and i cannot swing it this trip, like i can't swing the skydiving adventure, but she's also going to ask about the half sleeve.

kenna would have my head. but when i'm ready, i think i have my local tattoo girl, and i will work on getting that. i love the thought of white ink on my skin. i love the drawing. and i think it would look really really pretty.

in the meantime, i'll just take 874509875 random little stars.

and aubree's favorite hair girl is excited to meet me and cut my hair, so i know it will be something cute. i've been wanting to chop it all off. because it's already summer swampy hot here, and i always attempt to grow my hair out in the summer. i don't know why. i guess it has to be this way, so that in the winter it will be long.

it's almost to my shoulders. i want it halfway down my back, like it was in high school. i hope i make it. only time will tell. in a week, i might be close to clipped completely.

there was this girl at the anarchist bookstore and she had the most insanely cute haircut. super short. super cropped. but so feminine and just to die for. kit and i both wanted it.

don't do it. patience, lady. just let the hair grow. it'll be worth it.

back to vacation.

i just want to be there. it's all i think about, all day, everyday.

i took care of so much shit today.

the catering job lady kinda flipped out on me, i think. it didn't translate through email, but she was being bitchy because i was telling her we have to set up a little early. she flipped that the coffee would be cold. and then sent another email. and then sent a third that said 'read first' and it said that she would be using a different caterer.

so, WIN. but i know she's pissed about it.

i doubt she's as angry at me as i am pissed at their entire school. but it hardly matters.

and i'm also hoping those shifts i have to cover will not be a problem, because kenna is in agreement that we should shut it down.

our labor is fifty percent. it's ridiculous. and it's making me stress on so much shit. so if it closes for a while, then all the better. i'll actually be able to vacate on my vacation.

my working vacation.

i set up a phone conference for tomorrow, so we can hopefully close that store. ugh.

i mailed the check to the lawyer. and texted ever about the marriage certificate so i can file.

i asked if he was going to email it to me, or if i was going to have to come to the house. because i think he'll avoid that at any cost, so i thought it would get a prompt reaction, unlike my demanding emails.

and wouldn't you know, he got right back to me, saying he just got back into town, and that he was without internet for a few days and would respond to my emails.

i don't think i believe him, i don't really believe him if he's speaking anymore, but i just told him to not worry about the emails i sent, only getting me the cert.

and i mailed out all my work related paperwork. finally. and also my credit card bill and retirement account info.

so it was a good day.

all day today, i had thao's new album stuck in my brain. there's this song, 'burn you up'. it is my new favorite song.

i've latched on to the new album, and i'm not letting go.

i can't understand why i didn't love it immediately. i knew i needed time to settle into it.

i think it's because i prefer her acoustic and alone. and because this is very band-driven, i think it threw me off. it's also very upbeat. and, with my upward shift in mood lately, it suits me perfectly.

and in reading the liner notes, i realized that both laura viers and tuneyards are on it.

pretty awesome.

all day, that song just repeats in my head. and i listened to her once through at work. and i would listen to only that, all day every day, if i could, without making other people annoyed.

there's another song, too. i go back and forth. it's called 'trouble was for'. the first line is, 'everybody please put your clothes back on', which has been cracking me up since my first listen.

i think that what i love about the cd is that it is all about sex. about sleeping with boys and getting caught up in it. sad sex, happy sex. casual sex. and then missing all the sex. good, bad, or indifferent.

and the line in that song that gets me is, 'you wanna go home. you won't take me, too..' and then, 'don't you wanna come home with me?'

it's just so playful and cute.

i watched the videos i took at the show. and i'm beating myself up about it now. i had no idea i'd get the set list. but i was only recording like ten seconds of each song so i'd know the set. and just when you start to figure out what song it is and what's happening, it is over.

i have maybe twenty clips. and i'm really sad that i didn't aim for a whole song. but now i know. maybe next time.

in forty five minutes, i'll be two short days from home. really, i'm two days now. because i'll be on the ground on the other end of the line.

i sent another text message tonight. a text to coffee.

in the scrabble game i had to start, in order to continue the party planning, he asked if tuesday was good. i said perfect. and he dropped his number. so i texted him and said that this was my number...see you tuesday.

i just keep thinking about the friday night invite. i mean, i don't know what's behind trying to see me my first day in town, which happens to be on a friday night. maybe it was just really convenient for him. but it is messing with me. maybe his girlfriend is out of town until saturday. or maybe, what i think is right. no boy with a girlfriend goes out with another girl on a friday night. i can't shake it off.

that, and the fact that it feels like a date, even though i'm not thinking it is. and not wanting it to be. there's a time and flirting and a place. and a date. which technically makes it a date. or just game night with only one old friend. but still. the dress will dispell any doubt he might have about whether he made a date with me.

i should re-read what i wrote last night. i usually do that, just to make sure i'm not repeating. i'm offline with this stupid piece of shit laptop, and i can't get online to check it.

it's a drag.

i do enjoy writing in a notepad and then uploading. i tend to lose a lot less that way. but not being online is pretty rough.

oh, florida. you are so close.

i guess i've decided to be a little less private these days.

i keep accidentally calling people by their names and having to edit them out later. for so long, since i've kept this blog, i have thought of my friends in terms of their blogger names. now i'm putting their real names on blogger. silly lady.

so today i got beat by a four year old. nina cracked me up, telling me that her daughter has already packed her suitcase. two weeks ahead of her trip to nin'a parents when nina comes back with me. i'd feel less silly packing a week in advance. except i've got twenty eight years on her. and i should know better.

tomorrow is laundry day. then i think it will really set in. because after work tomorrow, i will pack all the other things that i have been waiting to pack, due to wear and use.

i'm so close now. make it through tomorrow, and i should be pretty golden.

friday will drag. but i have so much to do that i think i'll be okay.

manic panic. june 21st.

i'm pretty sure these are cramps that i am feeling.

i'm really in shock about my day today.

i had the worst day.

i started to panic at around ten this morning. all work related.

going home, being ready. realizing that i have two shifts which need to be covered that i cannot possibly cover.

i don't know what to do.

then i started panicking about things in general. overreacting.

my whole body feels hot right now. i'm shaking and smiling. and i'm exhausted.

i panicked about an order. i panicked about traffic flow increases and decreases while i'm away.

i remembered an annoying catering while i'm gone.

i remembered that i'm gone for end of month.

then i worked all day and all night. i didn't eat until three. which made me run behind schedule.

then i called kenna.

and it was awful. i think she forgot i was going home. i think she forgot that i told her i'd be gone for two weeks.

something in her tone made me feel like i'd let her down. i was telling her why i'm so stressed out. and she said that she understood why, since i'm leaving with some things unresolved.

i don't know. i have been struggling with my job since before dark sky. because i feel too much of a mess to do the best job. because the divorce stuff is throwing me off. more specifically, how i'm handling the divorce is throwing me off.

i'm not proud of it. and this whole time, i just kept thinking. i'll get home and deal with my personal life and my emotional well being. and i'll relax and rest and recharge.

and now it's almost here. and i'm working too much and it's wearing me out. i don't have time to handle things i need to handle. and today was the worst of it, because i tried to deal with everything so i don't forget anything.

and i can't make someone magically appear to fix everything for me.

it really sucks.

so when i went for a drink before the show with kit i had a few too many of her fries, and drank on an empty stomach.

and i was panicking there. talking about coffee and work and kenna. and really feeling incredibly unwell, mentally. unstable. and my shitty day bled into what was going to be the second best night of my life, post ever.

the thao and mirah show.

seriously. i have seen a shit ton of shows. gogol new years was the best until tonight.

kit told me that it would be fine. and that if i stopped talking about coffee and just got excited for the show, i'd be fine.

and that no matter what happens with him, i'll be okay. i'll be fine. i'll be alive and breathing.

and it doesn't feel that way to me.

it feels more like i'm about to find out if i'm crazy or not. i'm about to either end this or continue it. and i can honestly say that i don't know which scares me more.

nina said yesterday, in chat, that if i decide to move home after this night, we'll deal with that later. but that, for now, it's a night of fun and talking. and something about the moving home comment felt like a punch in the gut. not because of her. but because i cannot fathom that it would ever be an option for me.

but i'll ask. and then i'll know.

i feel like i don't deserve to have him say things to me that are the things i want to hear.

and as a writer, it also could be that i'm writing the most unbelievable true story if it ends with an outpouring of mutual something.

it feels like i'm continuing the tragedy of my life with coffee.

and it feels like the longest day of the year. because it is.

i fear and dread putting something on the line. even if it is just a question.

and i am excited to know and move on. but i'm very very scared.

so after work, after his avoidance, i pinned him down. i brought it back to him. what place and time.

and then i went to the bar. and then to the show.

the SHOW.

i don't have words yet. it feels like being hugged and hit by a truck at the same time.

seeing them together was not at all what i thought it would be. i expected solo sets and then a joint set.

instead, they claimed to have married their bands. and went back and forth, playing songs.as a whole.

though i didn't get chivalry, thao played most of her new stuff. and beat. and mirah played new and old, including recommendation, which was what i wanted to hear. it was awesome.

i took so much video snippet stuff. and so many pictures. kit did, too. with my camera.

after the show, lauren from work, who i'd bought a ticket for out of gratitude, got the set list for me. and kit got thao to sign in, by saying to make it out to me..

while she wrote it out, i told her that i love her and that her music is the soundtrack to my life. at work, in the car, everywhere. it was embarrassing, being so starstruck and gushy. but i just wanted her to know.

she was so nice, and despite performing in a room that was easily a hundred degrees (i could have wrung out my clothes. so fucking HOT.), she was sweet and flattered and it just made me love her even more.

i can't believe i met her. i can't believe i got the set list. and that she wrote that it was a pleasure to play for me. i can't believe i gushed.

then dropped sixty bucks at the merch table on cds and a shirt. i never buy a shirt. but i had to have this one. it was amazing.

i realized when i got home that i grabbed the wrong cd. but that is okay. i meant to get her first and last cds. instead i got the newest and middle.


i just wanted to give her all of my money. i literally spent all the money i had on me there.

and walked home with kit, fucking giddy and talking loudly, walking the short jaunt to my apartment.

and she went home and i went home.

and then, the night that had fixed my disaster day miraculously, that made me feel as clear as the time i went to the krishna temple, completely calm and peace inside...

my night got better.

because coffee named the time and place.

and then i asked the date.

and now i wait.

who is this person? i have NEVER asked him on a date. and as much as i don't think of this as being that, it's starting to sound and - more importantly - feel like a date.

a date. with coffee. probably this weekend.

because i want it to be over with, but also to allow for another night of group shenanigans, should the need arise.

i can't help it.

he said six pm. and i wonder, wow. what is he doing after? and also, wow. this could be a long night.

i just don't know what he thinks, so i can't know what to expect.

but one thing is for certain.

i'm fucking DOING IT. i mean, i did it. i didn't back down and puss out. and i'm getting what i want.

and i don't care that i had to be the one to ask.

and i don't care that he doesn't comment on my status updates or pictures.

because all that matters now is that he will be sitting across from me in a few days, telling me stories and listening to what i have to say and ask.

last night, before sleep, i was doing my daydream thing.

i was staring at the ceiling and i was freaking out a bit about it. and then i remembered that thao was today, and really got excited. i was up for another two hours plus after that hit me.

and then i was laying in my bed on my stomach/side. curled up with my pillow the way i always am.

and my daydream was just pillowtalk. looking at him, looking at me. heads on pillows. just talking.

how we used to.

i miss that. not just specific to him. but with anyone of the boy persuasion. someone who likes me enough to lay with me and talk to me. without doing anything other than twirling my curls while we talk.

close enough to smell breath.

and i can't help it.

because i can see it.

and then i remembered heima. and then i thought that i just want too much.

i can't see it only being one game. but i can, too, because a game is what? two hours?

what if that is all i get? what if he's meeting me at six because his girlfriend gets home at nine?

and what if i get pillow talk? i wouldn't let myself lay in his bed again and not kiss him. i don't know if i can be at a bar with him, talking and not attempt to kiss him, if the right circumstances arise.

what if get all those past wishes, only seemingly wasted?

part of me wants to set the bar so low, to set my expectations to amount in utter failure, leaving him and feeling the same way he has always made me feel? like i said too much, too soon. that i came on too strong. or that, as it has always been, that i have the worst possible timing.

so that, if i get a makeout session for the first time in something like six years or more, it will be all the sweeter.

i don't know.

the manic rollercoaster has been around this week. since dark sky, i've been up. and i keep having the feeling that things are just too perfect.

i mean, the lucky cigarette tonight after i asked him what day is good for him.

the winter star party in key west that ends on the first anniversary of the day i left ever.

thao and home in the same week.

why do i feel so lucky? why am i so unwilling to think that this could just be one more thing to add to the list?

i think i'm just afraid. of either thing. because nothing scares me more than contemplating moving home, all because of what may or may not be said in one night of conversation over the thing that has brought me back to him.

without facebook scrabble, none of this would be possible. without kit getting me into it, none of it would have happened. i would have had no platform.

and while i'm thanking kit for things, without her indie 101 mix, i never would have known thao. and i never would have bought an extra ticket in gratitude to her for introducing me.

and then, this day would have ended with me, panicking, at the bar.

it feels like that time in my life when i was all celestine prophesy-d out. and i was crazy, and i took it to a whole other level.

but just like that, it feels like since i saw the stars align, they followed me home, even though i can't see them. and now they're just stuck that way.

because i can't do anything in my life with half a heart, part of me wants to put so much hope and wistfulness into this that when the star spell is broken, my heart is so completely shattered that it can never come back to him again. not ever.

i don't know what will happen. but all i know is that, this time next week, i'll be done with him and either recovering poolside, or throwing up words, babbling like an idiot.

and i know that i'll be okay. but i also know that i'd rather be something either more extraordinairy than okay, or something very far from okay.

it's not like punishment.

it's just closure.

i just want this part to be over.

i want the ride to level off at the top. so that i never have to feel the fall, the drop. and so that i'm perpetually excited and happy.

and i don't want a boy to define my happiness. which is what was so great about dark sky. that was the purest, non boy related form of happiness i've felt in over a decade.

and i wish i could have more of that. and less of the heartbroken stuff.

maybe some day i won't care enough to feel so much, to invest so much into something that always inevitably dies on me. shows me the error of my ways, and teaches me a painful lesson.

i like to learn. maybe that is what this is about.

but at the end of the day today, different from yesterday, i can stare at my ceiling after two am. wide awake. wired. amped.

and today, i'm one step closer.

despite my 'no dating for six months' promise to myself, i have made a date. and though it's not under those pretenses, there is something to be said for the exception to the rule.

i've been thinking lately that one year might be the mark.

and wouldn't it be something to reach the one year mark at a star party in the keys...

denouement. june 20th.

so this is winding down.

i'm wiped OUT.

i went to bed at about three, if i had to guess. i was definitely awake at 230. but lights were out after that.

i woke up early. too early. went back to sleep. maybe it was 745. then i woke up at ten and drifted until almost eleven, i think.

i just didn't want to get up.

i had this dream that made me want to cry when i woke up. from that whole potluck thing. it was jay and ever and i was at the house, but i wasn't supposed to be. it was just bad. i woke up so sad.

but i shook it off, got up, and spaced out for a bit. the writer had written me a note, promising the photographs this week. and asked a question about how i was feeling as far as independence was concerned. so i wrote him back an almost novel. i gave him my address back home, if he sends them now, or to wait until i get back.

i hope he sends them when i'm home.

i cannot imagine how it would feel to be home and get mail there. and also, to be with kit and nina when they arrive. i'm really really excited to see them. i think they will fit right in with how i'm feeling lately. and make me see a different side of myself. a prettier side.

i'm still not convinced. i stare at myself in the mirror in the morning, when i wake up. and i think 'oh my god...i feel sorry for the next person who will have to look at this upon waking the morning after a sleepover.'

it's bad. man face. it makes me want to plan to set an alarm to wake up before him and put makeup on before he wakes up, after the puffiness goes away.

it reminds me of two things. my friend greg posted this article a bit ago. it was from a 1940s era (guessing) magazine. telling women proper bedroom etiquette. and that they should awake daily an hour ahead of their husbands to put on makeup, so as to not scare them or make them wake unpleasantly. it was full of little gems, like 'if you don't achieve pleasure during relations, just know that he was satisfied, and that's what really matters'. you know, awesomeness. i wish i could remember the rest. it was classic.

the other thing it makes me think is that i probably won't fall asleep the next time i am in bed next to a boy, so maybe it won't matter. if you don't fall asleep, you can be uglier upon waking, right?

after the letter to the writer, kit came over for a bit, and i organized my room. then she was inspired, so i follower her to her place and helped her clean and organize her place for a while, and spaced out on facebook over there.

until i pushed her to go to the gym with me. she used to be a personal trainer, and i know jack shit about working out. i told her i'd start calling her 'the punisher' if she'd start training me. i want to be stronger. not like muscle-bound. but the days of nearly killing two of my friends while moving need to be over.

and she kicked my ass at the gym. and it flew by, but i am already sore.

it's funny. i always thought i had a really strong stomach. i can do crunches, but haven't in months.

i did like six situps on the incline bench? roman bench? i don't know what it's called. but after that, i couldn't do a single one. not even flat on the floor. i was laughing, she was laughing. and i kept saying, 'my abs are broken' in her trademark little kid voice.

i've got some work to do, son. i was lifting my legs while i was on my back. that was better, but still hard for me. i am a weenie. a weakling. but i'm so determined to do well, so i know that i will. i just have to stick to it.

it was great. then she taught me free weights.

i was doing the lawnmower exercise, with bad form. and the treehugger exercise, with bad form. and then some over my head things that i was pretty good at.

i was tired and shaking. my lower back is really unhappy right now. i need to strengthen that up.

but it was a mad success. i am so glad that i'm sticking to my plan.

last night, we went to the bar. surprise, surprise. i cannot stay away from those things lately.

anyway, i had a salad and chicken fingers. and i ate one and a half of her french fries. they didn't taste as good as i wanted them to. like my taste buds had changed. or like i trained myself to think that they don't taste good.

i guess i ate at three today, finishing off my whole paycheck salad and eating a bunch of veggies a while before the gym.

and i had a couple baked tortilla chips with my favorite tapenade. and that didn't taste right either. it was so super salty. i ate like three chips and put them away.

i don't know what to make of it.

but i was relieved.

and tonight i made some incredible guacamole. the chunky kind. with lime and onion and garlic. and it is soooo good. and i had a few chips with that.

after eating a huge salad.

all this talk about food is making feel weird. but i'm just processing the fact that i'm sticking to the plan.

and maybe bragging? i hope not. i hate braggarts.

but seriously: killer bike ride. banana. breading on chicken. gym. a couple baked chips.

i must go to the gym. as long as i do it, i'll be fine. i hate that i'll go to work tomorrow tired. but i had such a wonderful and productive weekend that i am okay with it.

i feel like there was more to write about.

this is random, but my brother got engaged yesterday. he'd bought the ring and asked her dad months ago. and he finally popped the question yesterday morning. on a fishing trip. the ring was in the tackle box.

very cute, for him. he's kinda special. i honestly worry that marriage is for him, but i'm such a cynic now that it's not really fair to project it onto him. i guess he has been growing up since i've been away. and this girl puts up with his bullshit. and they've been together for a couple years, i guess. and they talk about it often.

anyway, she said yes. and it will be at least a year. so i'm glad for that.

i talked to dad for father's day today. and he was busy, as always, while he was on the phone. sometimes it is worse, and i feel like he only hears half of what i say. and then starts griping about everyone who sucks.

today was no different, only today he brought up ever and the divorce. and so i spent most of the call talking to him about that, because he wanted to. and told him that this wasn't how i wanted to have conversation on his day. but he kept talking.

whatever he wants, you know? it is his day.

then ever texted me, randomly. wanting to know my dad's number to call him.

wonder if he did, or if it was all just to look like a good guy.

found out tonite, talking to aubree, that he had also texted her and my mom. like i wouldn't text him back. what a douche.

so i have decided to mix my spring mix with the dark sky roadtrip mix. and it is fantastic. there wasn't enough on either to fill a list. but together? perfect. and saying as we listened to the spring mix on the way there, it works.

this owen song is so cute. it's so sad, but hilarious.

'where in the hell am i? and how did i get here - with one shoe? and which way to the nearest train? and sometimes, like every time she breathes, i embrace my routine.'

only problem is that half of the songs are only on my ipod, so i can't make cds of it yet. i guess i have a mini project for the week, so i can spread the love when i get home.

and then i think about coffee, and my brain rushes at a billion miles an hour. and my stomach drops uncontrollably, like a freefall for a second. and sometimes it lingers. like last night, looking at the dark sky info booklet from the park we went to. i just saw a list of meteor showers, and i thought of him. instantly sick for about five minutes.

but this is like watching sand through an hourglass. the days before are slowly disappearing, and pretty soon it will be the days during. and the days after.

i've been getting strange feedback lately, regarding that.

at work on friday, i was telling my coworker the incredibly abbreviated story. of coffee and december. and what my plans are, involving him, when i go home. and my other coworker came in for her shift, so then i really had to abbreviate it.

and the look on her face. it made me question myself.

she was just saying that if her girlfriend went to a drink with some girl who had some form of a history with her, she'd flip out. that she's a pretty jealous person, and that a couple times a year, they have to have a talk to put her mind at ease. and that she didn't think it was a good idea, because of his girlfriend.

to which i said, i don't know if he has a girlfriend. if he does, it's recent. and not too serious, as far as i can tell. because if it was, it would be kinda obvious. but his possibly two or three month girlfriend is not like her girlfriend of two years.

and i obviously don't have an agenda, if that is the case. i'm not planning anything inappropriate. i mean, if he is single, and i find my balls and kiss him, that's one thing. but if he has a girl, i would never even think of it. i kept telling them, 'i'm not a homewrecker. i'm not out for a relationship. i just want to ask a question, get my answer, and move on with my life.'

and then, today, i told my sister. and she was like, 'doesn't he have a girlfriend?'

so i say the same things to her.

she thought i asked him in december. i did not. she also thought there was no reason for me to see him now, because she thought i'd asked him about the kiss in december. i didn't. i told her my shitty reasoning, too.

i just didn't want to ask, and not have another chance to see him before i flew back to ever and my shitty life. and i didn't ask. and he didn't call, so it didn't matter.

and that is why it matters to me now.

i have got to move on. i have got to leave this there. and not pick it up again. and though it is a habit that is going to be hard to break, if anything happens other than a makeout session, i have got to deal with it. for once and for all. i've said that before. but i have to mean it. and all of you guys have to make me stick to it.

because i can't go on this way. i just have this feeling in my stomach, like right now. hearing a song we used to listen to. and i see a flash of him sitting next to me at dark sky in the fall. or hear a song and remember waking up next to him, snuggled into my velour shirt that i used to wear when i wanted him to want to sleep next to me. or imagine his face when i walk in to talk with travel scrabble in hand. and how huge my smile will be, and how tall i'll be walking. and how much i'll have to fake calm/cool/collected. and our heads sticking out of his bedroom window that fateful night of the alligator-egret question that brought it all to an end.

i just can't slow my brain. and until he brings it to a screeching halt, all i have is that gut feeling. that thing about, 'you're just too good for me to not be with me'.

and i hate that it's based off of something so ancient. which is why i'm bracing myself.

and the whole string of convictions about i live here, he lives there. i'm not looking for a one off, so no kind of arrangement could ever work. and i can't fathom that anything could happen to change that situation. i couldn't be that lucky. to have him say, 'you know... i kinda never stopped thinking about you.' he would NEVER. never ever say that.

and then, i think of that boy who called kit and professed his love for her.

i hate these little thoughts. the ones that fan the fire, until it is over and done with.

and i guess what i fear the most is him not having a girl. and me finding my balls and kissing him. and then having to sing 'chivalry' in its entirety. sobbing and meaning every single fucking word of that song.

that song is just so perfect. and i don't want to have to have lived every line of it. especially the one about 'i could tell in the way he did not kiss back'.

i'm almost packed. it's crazy. all my shorts and short sleeve shirts. all my bathing suits. only the best undies. and only the sexiest pushup bras. and nina's books from the writer. and this dress. i kept thinking, do i wear a dress or the skinny jeans and something nice on top? and the dress i have might just be perfect. i might not have to buy one. it's black with tiny white polka dots. which worked perfectly the last time i saw him, in jeans and a shirt that looked a lot like the dress.

and then, my mind wanders down that familiar path. where i think, 'if i wear a dress, that won't bode well if i spend the night sleeping next to him.' i mean, it's much easier to bare a belly in a shirt than in a dress. dear god. it would all be on display! oh, man. i crack myself up sometimes. but the 'haha' and 'lol' don't really translate in a blog.

god. i'm making myself sick of myself. as 'if i ever feel better' comes on.

thanks, phoenix. 'if i ever feel better, remind me to spend some good time with you. you can give me your number. when it's all over, i'll you know.'

and in closing, i realized this weekend that it has been about five months since i had sex. maybe that explains my poor brain function.

and the ice cream truck is rolling down the street at ten pm. only in this city...