today was rough.
payday, yes.
delaware day, yes.
normally good things.
but not when i'm out of everything i buy in delaware. and not when the check was spent before it hit my account.
for the second time in six months, i had to borrow money from my parents today. again.
it's so embarrassing.
i make a decent living. how is it that i am borrowing money again? it's fucked up.
and though this is completely ever's fault, and not mine, it doesn't really help the situation.
i borrowed enough to pay all my bills on schedule. and to have money left over, because i cannot survive two weeks without any fun, without any time out of my apartment. without a trip to the grocery store.
so i added everything up and took an extra chunk. and mommy and daddy fixed it.
i'll catch up in march.
i just hate this.
i cannot believe that ever did what i feared. that he has ignored me since i took my stand against him.
that this isn't over now. it's just crazy.
and instead of the money i just borrowed, i could have added $3k onto what i was willing to pay. and i would have been divorced on monday.
whatever. i will second guess every decision i ever make, when it doesn't end well.
such is life.
another friday night in. and alone.
i'll post the dating stuff now.
because recognition is on the path to acceptance, right?
boobs and boyfriends. february 3rd.
it seems the past 24 hours has been all about boobs. my boobs. other people's boobs.
awesome.
last night i went to art class.
after two weeks of snow day cancellations, i was happy to go. i almost didn't go. because kit wasn't going. but i went.
and i can't get over how glad i am that i did.
the first class was a little rough. we had a great model, but as is the norm, i had forgotten everything in the time i spent not practicing drawing.
not to mention, i haven't drawn a naked person regularly since classes with dr sam, and that was at least two years ago. the end of drawing classes last year with kit included at least one night of drawing nudes. but i had forgotten everything then, too. and it was more panic inducing than ever. same with the first class this go round.
i think part of it is me being a headcase. thinking, 'this poor girl is standing up there naked for two hours, and i can't even draw her properly. she must hate standing up there naked for two hours for people who can't even draw.'
or being super self-conscious, and wondering how people perceive me. and wondering if she'll get offended that i draw her too fat or too skinny.
stupid shit like that.
the majority of the models are super skinny white girls, who may or may not also be strippers.
last night was a lovely, thicker sister. while it does hide the ribcage, the curves and proportions are more natural to me.
after a very rough start, where i spent half the time hating every single thing i drew, i got a one on one tutorial from the guy who teaches the class. and something clicked in my head.
he had to draw over a few of my drawings to show me where i was missing something important, perspectively or proportionately. but that was okay, because i finally understood how things work.
the reason the last class of the last class was so rough was because that teacher was trying to give us a crash course in drawing the body as a series of ovals and cylinders. and i remembered drawing so well before. and never once using an armature to draw on top of.
so when he introduced it, which was around the time i left ever, class started causing panic attacks. as in life, i'd get overwhelmed by the task at hand and freeze up and just stare at the model. which is never an okay thing to do if your hand isn't moving on the page.
and the first class of this session, i had a similar experience. when the teacher would draw it, of course i could see it. but i was having an impossible time translating it onto my own page, into my own drawing.
but last night, i drew this amazing head. because the fact that the skull is just a circle with a connecting square clicked.
and i drew this skull that was so fucking awesome. i mean, it was the girl's head. but i got it right.
and then, i don't know if it was in the same drawing, i had a side view, which is usually the easiest to see the ovals for the core. and i got that right.
(i should note here that i'll put all my shitty drawings, and a couple decent ones on the tumblr page as i go through the class)
so the last pose was sitting, and i got very close to getting the pose right, i just ran out of time.
the proportion was also almost completely right.
in any case, i left feeling better than i'd ever felt leaving an art class. even though it wasn't the best drawing i've ever done, it was this feeling of the light bulb going off. i got excited about art.
and today. more boobs.
so i have been looking at pictures of myself from the summer, because nina organized her vacation here into an amazing ibook, and i kept realizing my favorite, most flattering pictures of myself were (when i was super skinny, yes) in this grey tee shirt i have. it is probably my favorite tee shirt. it's a nice low cut v-neck. and one of my favorite sweaters is this chocolate and turquoise striped one. also low cut v-neck.
and sure, i thought of 19 year old boyfriend when i got dressed this morning. and put on a nice strapless push up bra. to get everything into its proper place.
when i got out of the shower, i sucked in my stomach and stood tall and straight. and posed in front of the mirror, the way the models do in art class, and stared at myself (well, the top half in the medicine cabinet mirror) and thought a lot about how, if i wasn't so modest and terrified, i'd pose for an art class. or even start by drawing myself. posing and taking pictures of myself to draw from, if finding a full length mirror wouldn't work. and how i feel about my body, which is constantly changing. both my body and what i feel about it.
and i thought about it some more while i got ready for work, adding layers that somehow didn't hide my cute little pushed up tits.
and i went to work. and the day wore on. no 19 year old boyfriend (who was nuzzling in said tits in a dream night before last). and no caterpillar, the grad student researcher who wiggles his thick eyebrows and winks at me on occasion. he had a girlfriend over the holidays, and today i forced myself to talk to him more than i ever had.
i was telling nina. when i see him, i have an impossible time looking him in the eye. he makes my face turn red, because surely he must know that i think he is adorable. and i have to touch him when he comes through, passing bills and coins back and forth. he makes me white hot. like embarrassed, busted almost. and eventually i feel like a freak for not making eye contact and do. and he is always smiling and wiggling his eyebrows and telling us to have a nice day or something generic.
and i'd decided, in my booby shirt and booby sweater, that if he came through today, i'd ask him if he was in research. knowing full well that he is.
and at around 3 or so, he showed up. i saw him walk in the door and smiled at kim.
and i filled his coffee mug, and smiled and shook my head at myself, with my back to him. and tried to pull it together. he asked how our day was, while i tried to compute 'medium coffee refill' and touching the correct button. and i said boring. quiet. how was his day. and he said he had just gotten out of a meeting. and i made eye contact finally and asked if he was in research.
see? when i put my mind to something, and practice and rehearse it mentally, i can do it.
and he said yes. and i said, 'my friend is in research, she's in immunology. what do you study?'
and he said antibiotics.
and i (bragged?) said i'd been in 'the house'. meaning the mouse house. where the experiments get conducted. thinking it would give me street cred with the research crew that consisted of only little caterpillar.
and he said his experiments are nothing too exciting. making stuff in petry dishes and messing around with it.
and i told him to have a nice day, i guess. and it was cute, because i was still all white hot nervous. and he was facing me, talking to me, and turned to leave. and i half expected him to trip and fall or something.
like look at me a second too long, and catch his shoe on the gap in the tiles and just faceplant in the middle of all the tables.
but he didn't. and i waited until he was out the door.
and kim was cracking up. and i missed what she said. and made her repeat it. and she said, 'oh my god! he was TOTALLY looking down your shirt!' she'd been giving me a hard time about adjusting myself all morning, while i was sitting in wait for one of my boyfriends to show up.
and we collapsed into a pile of giggles and chatting about the whole thing. she said he saw her catch him after he looked at my boobs. and didn't look back to her the rest of the time. she looks out for me. she was trying to read him, catch him, notice anything to report to me, because i'm incapable.
and that it was cute, and he totally noticed while i was not noticing.
so that's my 24 hours of boobs.
i've been aware of boobs for 24 hours. i tried to force mine to look their best. and then she told me noticed my boobs.
it made my day, really.
even though he wears light colored jeans, which make him look dorky. even though he has a girlfriend. even though i see him for under a minute a couple times a week, if that often.
because it was the most i've ever talked to him, much longer than one little sentence or generic well wish, i thought he might be gay for a minute. thank god he checked me out to help quash that fear.
it was a lot like the day that i was pouring hot water for 19 year old's tea. and when he left, crystal said, 'he totally stared at your ass while you did that!'
and my reply was, 'see? i still got it!'
it's a half joke. but if i can get a guy a lot younger than me to check me out while i do something as mundane as pouring a cup full of hot liquids, then i'm doing okay.
i try to block out that he has a monster crush on the super tall, super skinny pretty chick who is also a student. i mean, i could never date a (now 21 year old?) student who is a customer. but of all of them, i always go back to that one.
and he pops up in my dreams. which is more than i can say for caterpillar, or the other one, adam, who i was really convinced was gay for most of the time i've known him. he's the one who dresses in the way that i think of as being perfectly ideal. he's blushy and adorable, polite and sweet. and always in pullover cardigans over button down shirts.
there's one more, too. and we spent a LOT of time today talking about him. he was originally ashley's boyfriend. but we all took to talking to him for her sake, and would grab her whenever he was in the line. he's also my type, we crushed on him simultaneously. but pam calls him her baby daddy. because she wants to make babies with him. today he was wearing a snow cap. we give him shit because he walks around in the dead of winter without a coat or a hat. we're talking a long sleeve shirt to cross between buildings when it's like 20 degrees out. so we harass him about it.
this guy (also don't know his name) has scruffy facial hair stuff going on, but we all agree it's good rough, not lazy rough. and he has this smile where he smiles with only half of his mouth and his right eye kinda squints up. and he laughs a lot. and wears hiking boots. in any case, he's hot and we all swoon for him. and he's classy and orders cappuccinos. and we all fight to make the best one for him. it's a dr sam throwback. he keeps us on our toes.
but today, his hat hid his messy hair. and it was a phillies cap, so we talked to him for a while about getting the wrong half of his winter gear right. and spent a solid ten minutes after he left talking about how dreamy he is.
despite the fact that they are both engaged, we all have similar taste in white guys. they get all of my crushes. including intern. as unreasonable as they all are for each of us in different ways.
this is why valentine's day is going to suck ass. and why ever can't sign fast enough for me to join the dating site. i have NEEDS. and i lust after boys who are both taken and have no real interest in me.
a girl can dream.
and i can only dream.
brownies called me tonight. it was an excellent surprise.
she was calling to ensure that i wasn't planning to jump off a bridge anytime soon.
i know that my recent posts have been super sad. because i've been super sad.
and though i really don't think about ending my life before its natural end, i've been in a dark place for a while now. and there was no bouncing back post to fix all the shit.
but i was telling her, when she asked about the dating profile i'd alluded to, that i can't answer the 'what i'm doing with my life' question by talking about what i'm actually doing with my life right now. i don't want to get into the whole going-through-a-divorce-damaged-goods aspect of my life until at least the third date.
which cracked her up. and cracked me up. but made light of a serious issue i'm having.
everyone puts their best foot forward on these things. and i'm an honesty nut. and i feel like i can't be honest with this, and it's bothering me. because i think it's a horrible way to start a relationship. right off the bat, i'm giving people a different impression of me. and leaving out the biggest thing in my life from the last year.
and yeah, it's a detail. and yeah, i'm not being dishonest, i'm just not telling the whole truth. but that has never worked for me. i hated it when ever did it. i hate it when anyone does it. and now i feel myself slipping into it. is it a slippery slope? i mean, no one is going to say 'i'm a control freak' or 'i'm depressed' or 'i just got out of a long term relationship' on their dating profile.
but still.
is it okay to leave this stuff out?
i guess what i should do here is to put the things i wrote about myself up for you guys to read. for your eyes. and see what you take issue with. or what you think sounds as retarded as i feel it reads.
as i feel like sections are finished, i'll post them for you. in an all-encompassing post called 'dating site profile'.
so there you have it.
in other news, delaware is coming not a day too soon. i have two cans of pbr in the fridge, and in light of trying to save money, i'll need to stock up so i can stay home and drink alone.
i'm slightly drunk now. which is why this post is ending abruptly.
on the heels of a night last night, where i found myself accidentally drunk, i have repeated myself.
i'm a lightweight. without dinner food to balance shit out, two beers is all it takes. one nice craft beer, followed by a can of pbr, to be precise.
last night i drank fast, partially because i was thirsty, and partially because i didn't want to be up late. i had a beer and probably could have stopped there. but force of habit tells me that i would be up all night. so i had another. and i was hungry, but told myself it was all in my head. so i polished off the second beer about an hour after i started. the first was gone in 20 minutes.
and i got the hiccups and laughed because i can always stop them by holding my breath for a minute. but last night they wouldn't go away. and i smoked and hiccuped, which was a first that i can remember. and it was horrible.
then, caving to my hunger, i had some thin mints chocolate ice cream.
and when that didn't fix it, i had some cheesy grits.
awesome combo right? all following beer? i'm cool like that. i like to mix shit up.
tonight was a slower process. i drank the first quickly again, because i was thirsty. and the second more slowly, and with a break in between.
but now i'm hungry again. so instead of blathering on here, i'll just end this quickly. make some food. and go to sleep. only problem? it's 847 and i get to sleep in.
sigh... drinking on an empty-ish stomach is mostly fun. until i don't feel like cooking. and end up either eating leftover tacos for the fourth day in a row, or reheating chicken fingers and fries. which is my go-to comfort food.
all following the apple fritter i could no longer say no to that was my breakfast today.
goddamn if i don't love a fucking fritter.
maybe i should date one.
awesome.
last night i went to art class.
after two weeks of snow day cancellations, i was happy to go. i almost didn't go. because kit wasn't going. but i went.
and i can't get over how glad i am that i did.
the first class was a little rough. we had a great model, but as is the norm, i had forgotten everything in the time i spent not practicing drawing.
not to mention, i haven't drawn a naked person regularly since classes with dr sam, and that was at least two years ago. the end of drawing classes last year with kit included at least one night of drawing nudes. but i had forgotten everything then, too. and it was more panic inducing than ever. same with the first class this go round.
i think part of it is me being a headcase. thinking, 'this poor girl is standing up there naked for two hours, and i can't even draw her properly. she must hate standing up there naked for two hours for people who can't even draw.'
or being super self-conscious, and wondering how people perceive me. and wondering if she'll get offended that i draw her too fat or too skinny.
stupid shit like that.
the majority of the models are super skinny white girls, who may or may not also be strippers.
last night was a lovely, thicker sister. while it does hide the ribcage, the curves and proportions are more natural to me.
after a very rough start, where i spent half the time hating every single thing i drew, i got a one on one tutorial from the guy who teaches the class. and something clicked in my head.
he had to draw over a few of my drawings to show me where i was missing something important, perspectively or proportionately. but that was okay, because i finally understood how things work.
the reason the last class of the last class was so rough was because that teacher was trying to give us a crash course in drawing the body as a series of ovals and cylinders. and i remembered drawing so well before. and never once using an armature to draw on top of.
so when he introduced it, which was around the time i left ever, class started causing panic attacks. as in life, i'd get overwhelmed by the task at hand and freeze up and just stare at the model. which is never an okay thing to do if your hand isn't moving on the page.
and the first class of this session, i had a similar experience. when the teacher would draw it, of course i could see it. but i was having an impossible time translating it onto my own page, into my own drawing.
but last night, i drew this amazing head. because the fact that the skull is just a circle with a connecting square clicked.
and i drew this skull that was so fucking awesome. i mean, it was the girl's head. but i got it right.
and then, i don't know if it was in the same drawing, i had a side view, which is usually the easiest to see the ovals for the core. and i got that right.
(i should note here that i'll put all my shitty drawings, and a couple decent ones on the tumblr page as i go through the class)
so the last pose was sitting, and i got very close to getting the pose right, i just ran out of time.
the proportion was also almost completely right.
in any case, i left feeling better than i'd ever felt leaving an art class. even though it wasn't the best drawing i've ever done, it was this feeling of the light bulb going off. i got excited about art.
and today. more boobs.
so i have been looking at pictures of myself from the summer, because nina organized her vacation here into an amazing ibook, and i kept realizing my favorite, most flattering pictures of myself were (when i was super skinny, yes) in this grey tee shirt i have. it is probably my favorite tee shirt. it's a nice low cut v-neck. and one of my favorite sweaters is this chocolate and turquoise striped one. also low cut v-neck.
and sure, i thought of 19 year old boyfriend when i got dressed this morning. and put on a nice strapless push up bra. to get everything into its proper place.
when i got out of the shower, i sucked in my stomach and stood tall and straight. and posed in front of the mirror, the way the models do in art class, and stared at myself (well, the top half in the medicine cabinet mirror) and thought a lot about how, if i wasn't so modest and terrified, i'd pose for an art class. or even start by drawing myself. posing and taking pictures of myself to draw from, if finding a full length mirror wouldn't work. and how i feel about my body, which is constantly changing. both my body and what i feel about it.
and i thought about it some more while i got ready for work, adding layers that somehow didn't hide my cute little pushed up tits.
and i went to work. and the day wore on. no 19 year old boyfriend (who was nuzzling in said tits in a dream night before last). and no caterpillar, the grad student researcher who wiggles his thick eyebrows and winks at me on occasion. he had a girlfriend over the holidays, and today i forced myself to talk to him more than i ever had.
i was telling nina. when i see him, i have an impossible time looking him in the eye. he makes my face turn red, because surely he must know that i think he is adorable. and i have to touch him when he comes through, passing bills and coins back and forth. he makes me white hot. like embarrassed, busted almost. and eventually i feel like a freak for not making eye contact and do. and he is always smiling and wiggling his eyebrows and telling us to have a nice day or something generic.
and i'd decided, in my booby shirt and booby sweater, that if he came through today, i'd ask him if he was in research. knowing full well that he is.
and at around 3 or so, he showed up. i saw him walk in the door and smiled at kim.
and i filled his coffee mug, and smiled and shook my head at myself, with my back to him. and tried to pull it together. he asked how our day was, while i tried to compute 'medium coffee refill' and touching the correct button. and i said boring. quiet. how was his day. and he said he had just gotten out of a meeting. and i made eye contact finally and asked if he was in research.
see? when i put my mind to something, and practice and rehearse it mentally, i can do it.
and he said yes. and i said, 'my friend is in research, she's in immunology. what do you study?'
and he said antibiotics.
and i (bragged?) said i'd been in 'the house'. meaning the mouse house. where the experiments get conducted. thinking it would give me street cred with the research crew that consisted of only little caterpillar.
and he said his experiments are nothing too exciting. making stuff in petry dishes and messing around with it.
and i told him to have a nice day, i guess. and it was cute, because i was still all white hot nervous. and he was facing me, talking to me, and turned to leave. and i half expected him to trip and fall or something.
like look at me a second too long, and catch his shoe on the gap in the tiles and just faceplant in the middle of all the tables.
but he didn't. and i waited until he was out the door.
and kim was cracking up. and i missed what she said. and made her repeat it. and she said, 'oh my god! he was TOTALLY looking down your shirt!' she'd been giving me a hard time about adjusting myself all morning, while i was sitting in wait for one of my boyfriends to show up.
and we collapsed into a pile of giggles and chatting about the whole thing. she said he saw her catch him after he looked at my boobs. and didn't look back to her the rest of the time. she looks out for me. she was trying to read him, catch him, notice anything to report to me, because i'm incapable.
and that it was cute, and he totally noticed while i was not noticing.
so that's my 24 hours of boobs.
i've been aware of boobs for 24 hours. i tried to force mine to look their best. and then she told me noticed my boobs.
it made my day, really.
even though he wears light colored jeans, which make him look dorky. even though he has a girlfriend. even though i see him for under a minute a couple times a week, if that often.
because it was the most i've ever talked to him, much longer than one little sentence or generic well wish, i thought he might be gay for a minute. thank god he checked me out to help quash that fear.
it was a lot like the day that i was pouring hot water for 19 year old's tea. and when he left, crystal said, 'he totally stared at your ass while you did that!'
and my reply was, 'see? i still got it!'
it's a half joke. but if i can get a guy a lot younger than me to check me out while i do something as mundane as pouring a cup full of hot liquids, then i'm doing okay.
i try to block out that he has a monster crush on the super tall, super skinny pretty chick who is also a student. i mean, i could never date a (now 21 year old?) student who is a customer. but of all of them, i always go back to that one.
and he pops up in my dreams. which is more than i can say for caterpillar, or the other one, adam, who i was really convinced was gay for most of the time i've known him. he's the one who dresses in the way that i think of as being perfectly ideal. he's blushy and adorable, polite and sweet. and always in pullover cardigans over button down shirts.
there's one more, too. and we spent a LOT of time today talking about him. he was originally ashley's boyfriend. but we all took to talking to him for her sake, and would grab her whenever he was in the line. he's also my type, we crushed on him simultaneously. but pam calls him her baby daddy. because she wants to make babies with him. today he was wearing a snow cap. we give him shit because he walks around in the dead of winter without a coat or a hat. we're talking a long sleeve shirt to cross between buildings when it's like 20 degrees out. so we harass him about it.
this guy (also don't know his name) has scruffy facial hair stuff going on, but we all agree it's good rough, not lazy rough. and he has this smile where he smiles with only half of his mouth and his right eye kinda squints up. and he laughs a lot. and wears hiking boots. in any case, he's hot and we all swoon for him. and he's classy and orders cappuccinos. and we all fight to make the best one for him. it's a dr sam throwback. he keeps us on our toes.
but today, his hat hid his messy hair. and it was a phillies cap, so we talked to him for a while about getting the wrong half of his winter gear right. and spent a solid ten minutes after he left talking about how dreamy he is.
despite the fact that they are both engaged, we all have similar taste in white guys. they get all of my crushes. including intern. as unreasonable as they all are for each of us in different ways.
this is why valentine's day is going to suck ass. and why ever can't sign fast enough for me to join the dating site. i have NEEDS. and i lust after boys who are both taken and have no real interest in me.
a girl can dream.
and i can only dream.
brownies called me tonight. it was an excellent surprise.
she was calling to ensure that i wasn't planning to jump off a bridge anytime soon.
i know that my recent posts have been super sad. because i've been super sad.
and though i really don't think about ending my life before its natural end, i've been in a dark place for a while now. and there was no bouncing back post to fix all the shit.
but i was telling her, when she asked about the dating profile i'd alluded to, that i can't answer the 'what i'm doing with my life' question by talking about what i'm actually doing with my life right now. i don't want to get into the whole going-through-a-divorce-damaged-goods aspect of my life until at least the third date.
which cracked her up. and cracked me up. but made light of a serious issue i'm having.
everyone puts their best foot forward on these things. and i'm an honesty nut. and i feel like i can't be honest with this, and it's bothering me. because i think it's a horrible way to start a relationship. right off the bat, i'm giving people a different impression of me. and leaving out the biggest thing in my life from the last year.
and yeah, it's a detail. and yeah, i'm not being dishonest, i'm just not telling the whole truth. but that has never worked for me. i hated it when ever did it. i hate it when anyone does it. and now i feel myself slipping into it. is it a slippery slope? i mean, no one is going to say 'i'm a control freak' or 'i'm depressed' or 'i just got out of a long term relationship' on their dating profile.
but still.
is it okay to leave this stuff out?
i guess what i should do here is to put the things i wrote about myself up for you guys to read. for your eyes. and see what you take issue with. or what you think sounds as retarded as i feel it reads.
as i feel like sections are finished, i'll post them for you. in an all-encompassing post called 'dating site profile'.
so there you have it.
in other news, delaware is coming not a day too soon. i have two cans of pbr in the fridge, and in light of trying to save money, i'll need to stock up so i can stay home and drink alone.
i'm slightly drunk now. which is why this post is ending abruptly.
on the heels of a night last night, where i found myself accidentally drunk, i have repeated myself.
i'm a lightweight. without dinner food to balance shit out, two beers is all it takes. one nice craft beer, followed by a can of pbr, to be precise.
last night i drank fast, partially because i was thirsty, and partially because i didn't want to be up late. i had a beer and probably could have stopped there. but force of habit tells me that i would be up all night. so i had another. and i was hungry, but told myself it was all in my head. so i polished off the second beer about an hour after i started. the first was gone in 20 minutes.
and i got the hiccups and laughed because i can always stop them by holding my breath for a minute. but last night they wouldn't go away. and i smoked and hiccuped, which was a first that i can remember. and it was horrible.
then, caving to my hunger, i had some thin mints chocolate ice cream.
and when that didn't fix it, i had some cheesy grits.
awesome combo right? all following beer? i'm cool like that. i like to mix shit up.
tonight was a slower process. i drank the first quickly again, because i was thirsty. and the second more slowly, and with a break in between.
but now i'm hungry again. so instead of blathering on here, i'll just end this quickly. make some food. and go to sleep. only problem? it's 847 and i get to sleep in.
sigh... drinking on an empty-ish stomach is mostly fun. until i don't feel like cooking. and end up either eating leftover tacos for the fourth day in a row, or reheating chicken fingers and fries. which is my go-to comfort food.
all following the apple fritter i could no longer say no to that was my breakfast today.
goddamn if i don't love a fucking fritter.
maybe i should date one.
frozen. february 1st.
i can't believe it's february.
i don't know how to tell my shrink that i don't want to quit drinking, don't want to get out of bed, and still feel like shit. yet don't want to be on meds.
i don't know what ever is going to say, because time is running out and he has not yet responded to my email back to him.
i cannot fucking believe that valentine's day is almost here. it makes me want to die.
i feel like i know nothing.
i am scared. i don't want to move. every day i think of more things to be sad about, going back into that fucking house. the thought of packing makes me sick, and i cannot yet force myself to do it.
and i try to balance it out with daydreams of game nights, and dinner parties, and house guests.
but they can't be frequent enough to fix my triple commute to work, which i'll no longer be able to walk. or the fact that kit will be further away than half a cigarette. or the fact that favorite bar will be too far away. that i'll be living with boys and won't feel right having boys over, if that ever happens.
and then i realize, what if ever doesn't leave? what if he refuses this agreement? decides to stay? then i'm homeless? what if i go to court, and the woman judge says he can stay and i can pay and fuck off?
it's hard to think positive when i have no control over this.
is principal really more important to me? obviously it is. because this could all be in my past today. and it's not. because even lawyer agreed that his demand was outrageous.
and now he'll wait three more days and expect a weekend miracle.
i don't want to go to court on monday. really, truly. a year after we split. i just can't deal.
i could have caved. and he could have signed. but i didn't. because i'd rather make a point, and be right, and not give him any more money than he is already getting out of me.
it makes me so angry. it makes me so sad.
and now i don't know what will happen. because i made a point, instead of giving into outrageous demands.
it doesn't really help to know that i did the right thing. because now it will be dragged on further.
and that means that i get dragged along.
and i am not up for this ride.
i think part of this is just winter shit. i get sad every winter. and even though no valentine's day could ever be as bad as last year, i'm sad to be alone. even though it was a goal i fought hard for.
when i was working on my profile the other night, for the dating site, i realized how little i have to say about myself. and how, when you're writing specifically for boys to read, and think, 'hey, that girl is interesting', you draw a blank.
it's like i forgot my favorite food. my favorite bands. everything.
i feel like i read enough about other people to think that they were interesting, but that everything i want to say is cheesy. and don't want to come off long-winded and self-absorbed, because i am neither.
so it's funny to try to advertise yourself to a select group of boys. what to say? what to leave out? which three pictures to use?
the best question yet, what screen name to pick? i loved that someone was offlinepk. because it's a pinback song and they're my favorite band. too bad he wasn't my type.
if only this divorce was over so that i could start this online dating thing. even if insanity ensues, it will be something to think about other than the sadness i feel when everything around me becomes quiet.
i don't know how to tell my shrink that i don't want to quit drinking, don't want to get out of bed, and still feel like shit. yet don't want to be on meds.
i don't know what ever is going to say, because time is running out and he has not yet responded to my email back to him.
i cannot fucking believe that valentine's day is almost here. it makes me want to die.
i feel like i know nothing.
i am scared. i don't want to move. every day i think of more things to be sad about, going back into that fucking house. the thought of packing makes me sick, and i cannot yet force myself to do it.
and i try to balance it out with daydreams of game nights, and dinner parties, and house guests.
but they can't be frequent enough to fix my triple commute to work, which i'll no longer be able to walk. or the fact that kit will be further away than half a cigarette. or the fact that favorite bar will be too far away. that i'll be living with boys and won't feel right having boys over, if that ever happens.
and then i realize, what if ever doesn't leave? what if he refuses this agreement? decides to stay? then i'm homeless? what if i go to court, and the woman judge says he can stay and i can pay and fuck off?
it's hard to think positive when i have no control over this.
is principal really more important to me? obviously it is. because this could all be in my past today. and it's not. because even lawyer agreed that his demand was outrageous.
and now he'll wait three more days and expect a weekend miracle.
i don't want to go to court on monday. really, truly. a year after we split. i just can't deal.
i could have caved. and he could have signed. but i didn't. because i'd rather make a point, and be right, and not give him any more money than he is already getting out of me.
it makes me so angry. it makes me so sad.
and now i don't know what will happen. because i made a point, instead of giving into outrageous demands.
it doesn't really help to know that i did the right thing. because now it will be dragged on further.
and that means that i get dragged along.
and i am not up for this ride.
i think part of this is just winter shit. i get sad every winter. and even though no valentine's day could ever be as bad as last year, i'm sad to be alone. even though it was a goal i fought hard for.
when i was working on my profile the other night, for the dating site, i realized how little i have to say about myself. and how, when you're writing specifically for boys to read, and think, 'hey, that girl is interesting', you draw a blank.
it's like i forgot my favorite food. my favorite bands. everything.
i feel like i read enough about other people to think that they were interesting, but that everything i want to say is cheesy. and don't want to come off long-winded and self-absorbed, because i am neither.
so it's funny to try to advertise yourself to a select group of boys. what to say? what to leave out? which three pictures to use?
the best question yet, what screen name to pick? i loved that someone was offlinepk. because it's a pinback song and they're my favorite band. too bad he wasn't my type.
if only this divorce was over so that i could start this online dating thing. even if insanity ensues, it will be something to think about other than the sadness i feel when everything around me becomes quiet.
a darkness. january 31st.
this is all his fault.
now i wait. and see what crazy shit he spews next.
i watched frida. not really a pick me up, though it was good. i did like it. for its educational value, if nothing else.
then i watched a veronica mars, on nina's recommendation.
meh.
i miss dexter. i miss buffy.
today was a shitty day.
i am exhausted. sometimes i forget what my period takes from me. how tired it makes me. the alarm went off too early this morning, and now i'm so tired i don't think i have the energy to try to stay awake.
nine hours ought to feel better than the six i got last night.
i spent time chatting with nina. and thought i was going to sleep.
but i started working on my dating profile for the site i will join. and i got carried away writing until after 1230, and then took an episode of the universe to fall asleep.
it's funny. outside, the snowflakes are falling as thick little five pointed stars.
i should smile.
but i should also be packing.
now i wait. and see what crazy shit he spews next.
i watched frida. not really a pick me up, though it was good. i did like it. for its educational value, if nothing else.
then i watched a veronica mars, on nina's recommendation.
meh.
i miss dexter. i miss buffy.
today was a shitty day.
i am exhausted. sometimes i forget what my period takes from me. how tired it makes me. the alarm went off too early this morning, and now i'm so tired i don't think i have the energy to try to stay awake.
nine hours ought to feel better than the six i got last night.
i spent time chatting with nina. and thought i was going to sleep.
but i started working on my dating profile for the site i will join. and i got carried away writing until after 1230, and then took an episode of the universe to fall asleep.
it's funny. outside, the snowflakes are falling as thick little five pointed stars.
i should smile.
but i should also be packing.
20 questions, the grownup version. jan 30th.
i usually blame bad days on rough starts. and occasionally, on rough finishes.
today is no exception.
on the bright side, i bragged to kit about my shower epiphany this morning, at brunch. i thought of coffee for the first time today, in the shower, as i thought about song lyrics applying to him, in what feels like forever. unfriending him on fb has made my head clearer, has made my heart have less affinity for him, and has absolutely helped me to move on. because, for whatever reason, seeing pieces of his life online daily were constant little reminders of a loss. and without them, i don't think of them on my own, and i don't play the what if game with myself. it eliminated thought processes i thought i'd never shake. and it isn't a daily reminder that he doesn't give a fuck about what i think or say. pretty awesome.
that little bit of goodness followed a rough start.
i woke up to an email from ever. i didn't want to open it, because i had sent him my final offer. after not hearing from him for a couple days, i expected the worst.
and again, it was a long email, very little of it about things relating to me and the divorce. it was all about more complications with his family. i had to read it twice to make sense of it, because it literally was written in a way that assures me he is actively losing his marbles.
it tried to explain why he wants 7k tomorrow, and 3k when he's out of the house. the money, wired. the paperwork, signed and emailed during the day tomorrow.
how he sent money home to bury his grandmother, and how he wants 10k from me to buy his aunt out of the grandparents house, so she doesn't sell it out from underneath them all. keep in mind, last week he was dying in 4 years and has $7k in medical debt.
and as per the usual, the sad tale tugged on my heartstrings. and my initial reflexive reaction was to say, 'alright. 3k more than i want to give him for it to be over with? tomorrow? fine!'
but the problem is, it's only a reflex. and after that, all the reasons start spilling out. and i'm sorry, but his signature on divorce papers and potentially empty promises to leave as soon as possible are not worth the $7k he thinks he is justified in demanding.
so i started to write him back, because that is what i do. and right now, it looks something like this:
1. you can't email quitclaim paperwork. i don't know why you think you can demand the money on monday , but until you agree to the terms or request modifications, lawyer can't draw up the paperwork. and once he does, you're going to have to sign in person, because it has to be notarized. you don't know when lawyer and the notary have time to meet with you and i to work on this. i have to know in advance to get out of work.
2. you need to address the mortgage situation. are you saying that you have spent the money to pay the january and february mortgage payments, and that you're expecting me to pay that in addition to the december payment i made two days ago? because if that is the case, then another payment needs to be deducted from the $7k i offered you, bringing it down to $5500. i don't have money to pay my rent and your mortgage payments. i pay for the space i live in, and it is your responsibility to do the same. you chose to spend your money in other ways and not earn more income, and that is not my problem.
3. i understand wanting to help your family, but the money your aunt demands from your mom and uncle isn't how you and i make a deal about the house we own. i can't give you more than what i offered you, because i am already afraid that i'm not going to break even on the house as it is. i have to pay my parents back for all the money they lent us, and what they are about to spend fixing it up even more. i have to pay off the debt we racked up. and i'll have to pay back the money i'm borrowing to buy you out.
4. you transitioned from letting the house go to foreclosure and not caring about money (which meant you'd walk away with nothing), to having $7k in medical debt because you won't get a job with benefits, to using mortgage money and bill money to send home. and now, you need $10k to buy interest in your grandparents house. you're demanding more from me overnight. and that can't happen. it's not going to. you didn't have internet, fine. you have a phone. don't wait three days to respond on a sunday and demand money overnight.
i am really sorry that your family is going through everything they are going through right now. to have your aunt fighting everyone for money in light of your grandmother's death and amanda's situation is insane. i am sympathetic. but you should be talking to your aunt about how you feel about all of this and telling her you need time, instead of trying to squeeze money out of me to fix it overnight.
i don't know what you are leaving untended to as far as our house goes, other than the mortgage situation that you have yet to explain, i have to pay my rent late because you were irresponsible. i had to keep the house from getting foreclosed upon. you should get nothing, because if i hadn't stepped in, this would have resolved itself.
i have a feeling there are going to be a lot of surprises that come up with the house, because you haven't taken care of things, and you have let the entire situation spiral out of control. i am the one who has to step in and fix it all, without knowing what i am getting into. i shouldn't even be negotiating with you until i know all of that information. i have to wait for months to collect the debts you owe me when the house sells, it's not like i get it when you sign everything over to me.
i am not going to hand over a bunch of money and hope that you're true to your word. paying half of the money when everything is signed is how i have to protect the money i'm borrowing. you have singlehandedly destroyed my credit in the past six months, and now your decisions and lack of communication mean that i have to jump in and try to figure everything out, without having a way to pay for any surprises, because you have created a situation where i can't use my credit to help.
there are 29 days between now and the end of february, and i'm sorry, but there's more to you moving out than just taking all of your own stuff out as soon as jay and matt can move you. the house is filthy. just like moving out of an apartment, you need to clean up after yourself before you leave. basement included.
anything that doesn't belong to the two people living in the house now has to be out. there is so much stuff in the house, and i don't know who any of it belongs to. because people have moved in and out since i left, i can't just throw everything away that you leave behind. it is your responsibility as the person who collected rent to care for the property. if there are things that belonged to the two of us that you want to leave, that is fine. but nothing that came in after i left and doesn't belong to the two roommates is to be left behind.
what you do with this money is none of my business. and having a legitimate cause to contribute to doesn't change what i can give you.
i offered you the most i can give you, and told you why. now i've explained it again. i'm borrowing the money, so no money is changing hands until the agreement has been made and there is a date when we can meet to sign everything. i will be prepared, at that time, to pay half of what we agree to.
my previous offer stands. you are offering nothing in exchange for more money. you haven't shown where your figure is coming from, except to list unrelated family issues. wiring money to you electronically doesn't create a paper trail, the second half of the payment is assurance that you will hold up your end of the bargain.
so there was that.
and then, i opened an email from kit. and it's a 20 questions article:
http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/01/26/o.questions.change.your.life/index.html?iref=allsearch
i love that she says answering them today could redirect your life, asking them everyday could transform it.
so this is my reply to that article:
1. what questions should i be asking myself?
what do i want to do with my life?
after this, i really don't know what i want to do. i don't have goals, or a timeframe, because it changes on a daily basis. i don't know where to start, so i never start at all.
what was i thinking?
i ask myself this on a daily basis, since i left ever. and probably for about half the time i was with him. mostly, i relate it to him, but there are other times in my day, when i'm at work or living life, when i ask it as well.
how much should freedom cost?
i mean, is it worth 3k more to be done with it this week? maybe it is.
why am i back in bed at 230 on a sunday afternoon?
because it's cold outside, because i drank two decaf coffees after only one regular. because i worked on my day off yesterday, and want to feel like today is going by as slowly as possible. to do as little as possible. and to write. that's why.
2. is this what i want to be doing?
no. fucking nowhere NEAR it.
3. why worry?
i have actively been working on this. i worry. all day, every day. it gives me panic attacks. it makes me lose my appetite, it gives me headaches. it makes me feel bad about myself. it makes me shake. it makes me eat too much of anything i see.
once i realized, after a few hurdles, that everything i worry about is so much less awful once it's happening or over with, i have tried to nip it in the bud. and i've had fewer panic attacks, and spent less time shaking.
i haven't accomplished this, but i'm doing pretty well with it, because i'm actively working on it. i still have my moments, driving around lost in thought, wondering how i made it from point a to point b without wrecking the car, due to worry. and i still haven't been sleeping well, due to worry. but i am slowly affirming that i can't change most things, and that there's no sense in worrying about them. i think it's why i watch so much internet tv. to keep my mind from slipping into worry mode.
4. why do i like ___ more than ___?
fries more than fruit - because they're so fucking good
bar food more than cooking - because it's easier, and so fucking good
(kit wanted to know why i like coffee more than ever, which made me respond)
dreams more than reality - because... fuck this. dreams are so much easier. glorified versions of things are so much better than what they really are. until you realize that they are only what they are. it is only better before realization sets in.
beer more than water - because it makes me feel better and happier, and is so fucking good
writing more than talking - because i am not a witty girl. i have to really think about things and process them. and edit myself. i am so much better at putting things into words when i'm not on the spot. i like having time to think and edit, and that will probably never change.
virtual interaction more than real interaction - because i like being in my pjs, in bed, unshowered and sleepy faced. because i like not having to bundle up in the wintertime to go outside. because i don't have to put on makeup. because i can do what i want, when i want, and not leave someone waiting for me. because i'm naturally a flake, who is fighting flakiness.
5. how do i want the world to be different because i lived in it?
i think this and #6 are cheesy questions. but i guess i would say, to have written things circulating in it, even if only a few people read them.
6. how do i want to be different because i lived in this world?
to be responsible to it and minimize my impact on it. i do my part to not consume too much, try not to waste, recycle fanatically and push it on other people.
7. are ___ better people?
pretty people - it's mostly inherent, something pretty people have no control over. but how much science and data exist showing that pretty people have it easier and get rewarded for being pretty. i mean, define better. they have a better chance of landing an attractive other half, having more money, having better luck. and yeah, they make me feel bad about myself. they make me feel like i don't stand a chance.
8. what is my body telling me?
stop smoking
stop drinking
start exercising
make better food choices
get out of bed
9. how much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?
as it turns out, not much. i don't have a lot, i don't acquire a lot. i've actively worked on eliminating friendships that weren't. and i got rid of a lot when i left ever. i don't buy a lot, due to buyer's remorse. i talk myself out of buying things when i want them or need them.
10. what's so funny?
in general, potty humor
but sometimes i feel like a sad comedian. i crack jokes at my own expense, at my own situation, all the time. it's in an effort to keep myself from crying and giving up. i have to make light of it.
11. where am i wrong?
i have made a lot of mistakes, and i freely admit to that. but the past month or so, with ever, has sent me reeling backwards, because i constantly feel like screaming at him, 'see? i was RIGHT!' all day, every day, he gives me reasons to want to remind him all the ways i was right.
was i a better person when i thought i was wrong all the time? maybe not, because my confidence was lower. but being a self-righteous dick isn't the way i want to go either. i just want to be right about ever. i can be wrong about everything else.
i do love to say 'i told you so', but have been better about not saying it to people i care about, because it makes them feel bad. because nobody likes to be wrong. and i don't want to be a bully, kicking someone while they're down.
12. what potential memories am i bartering, and is the profit worth the price?
i don't really get this, even after reading the explanation. but i think that what i'm doing is waiting for things in my life to change. waiting for time to pass so i can make new memories. and i am completely aware that i could die waiting. i could be so unlucky to not have one more day to get to that point.
sometimes, i tell myself to live every day like it's my last. but i've been spending so much time trying to deal with daily bullshit that i can't say i've been doing it lately.
and always, i tell myself not to put off until tomorrow what i can do today. and that mentality has spared quite a bit of struggle in my life. because i used to be the worst procrastinator. and because i work well under pressure, i kindof lived for it. but in my job, and in my divorce, i take care of everything as it comes up, because too many variables can change, and wreck what you had planned. i had to learn it the hard way. and it's one of the things i think i'm right about, when it comes to ever.
13. am i the only one struggling not to ___ during ___?
crack during my divorce. i know i'm not. but that's what came to mind.
also, hurt someone physically during my divorce. because sometimes i think beating some sense into ever is the only way he will understand. resort to caveman mentality, because apparently, that is what i'm working with.
14. what do i love to practice?
obviously, writing. but it's not like practicing an instrument. it's like the practice of doing it. secondary definition of the word.
if i made more time for it, i'd say art. but i just don't. i enjoy it when i do, but if i loved it, i'd make more time to practice it.
15. where could i work less and achieve more?
uninspired answer: delegate at work more often.
16. how can i keep myself absolutely safe?
not live in a city that is pretty dangerous.
not walk around drunk or after drinking, even if i'm nowhere near drunk.
carry mace.
learn self defense.
have a nest egg.
(the article says you can't.)
17. where should i break the rules?
i'm too lazy to answer this question.
18. so say i lived in that house in tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants... then what?
i am not one of those people who wants to be rich. i just want to not struggle. i think that if i had that life, i'd be bored. who knows? i might go back to school or do something fun with my life, like travel and never stay in one place.
but i learned a long time ago that, if you ask yourself what you would do if you won the lottery, that's what you should be doing with your life. and i try to remember that, and act accordingly.
19. are my thoughts hurting or healing?
my thoughts are always self-defeating, self-deprecating, and negative. but i have been actively trying to change that by doing affirmations and mantras lately.
20. really, truly: is this what i want to be doing?
no. which is why i keep trying to speed this part up, and wish my time away, because i want this part to be over. so i can get to the place where i answer yes.
the post kit inspired me with almost a year ago, about factory settings, truly inspired me. i felt like i could go on for days about that post. and i would probably learn a lot and see how much i've changed if i went back to it now.
i hoped answering these questions would change something in me, but i feel kindof lackluster about it.
self evaluation is always good. and taking my mental pulse is also always good. the first couple questions were the best, and i think that the answers are what should motivate me to make changes at this point in my life.
today is no exception.
on the bright side, i bragged to kit about my shower epiphany this morning, at brunch. i thought of coffee for the first time today, in the shower, as i thought about song lyrics applying to him, in what feels like forever. unfriending him on fb has made my head clearer, has made my heart have less affinity for him, and has absolutely helped me to move on. because, for whatever reason, seeing pieces of his life online daily were constant little reminders of a loss. and without them, i don't think of them on my own, and i don't play the what if game with myself. it eliminated thought processes i thought i'd never shake. and it isn't a daily reminder that he doesn't give a fuck about what i think or say. pretty awesome.
that little bit of goodness followed a rough start.
i woke up to an email from ever. i didn't want to open it, because i had sent him my final offer. after not hearing from him for a couple days, i expected the worst.
and again, it was a long email, very little of it about things relating to me and the divorce. it was all about more complications with his family. i had to read it twice to make sense of it, because it literally was written in a way that assures me he is actively losing his marbles.
it tried to explain why he wants 7k tomorrow, and 3k when he's out of the house. the money, wired. the paperwork, signed and emailed during the day tomorrow.
how he sent money home to bury his grandmother, and how he wants 10k from me to buy his aunt out of the grandparents house, so she doesn't sell it out from underneath them all. keep in mind, last week he was dying in 4 years and has $7k in medical debt.
and as per the usual, the sad tale tugged on my heartstrings. and my initial reflexive reaction was to say, 'alright. 3k more than i want to give him for it to be over with? tomorrow? fine!'
but the problem is, it's only a reflex. and after that, all the reasons start spilling out. and i'm sorry, but his signature on divorce papers and potentially empty promises to leave as soon as possible are not worth the $7k he thinks he is justified in demanding.
so i started to write him back, because that is what i do. and right now, it looks something like this:
1. you can't email quitclaim paperwork. i don't know why you think you can demand the money on monday , but until you agree to the terms or request modifications, lawyer can't draw up the paperwork. and once he does, you're going to have to sign in person, because it has to be notarized. you don't know when lawyer and the notary have time to meet with you and i to work on this. i have to know in advance to get out of work.
2. you need to address the mortgage situation. are you saying that you have spent the money to pay the january and february mortgage payments, and that you're expecting me to pay that in addition to the december payment i made two days ago? because if that is the case, then another payment needs to be deducted from the $7k i offered you, bringing it down to $5500. i don't have money to pay my rent and your mortgage payments. i pay for the space i live in, and it is your responsibility to do the same. you chose to spend your money in other ways and not earn more income, and that is not my problem.
3. i understand wanting to help your family, but the money your aunt demands from your mom and uncle isn't how you and i make a deal about the house we own. i can't give you more than what i offered you, because i am already afraid that i'm not going to break even on the house as it is. i have to pay my parents back for all the money they lent us, and what they are about to spend fixing it up even more. i have to pay off the debt we racked up. and i'll have to pay back the money i'm borrowing to buy you out.
4. you transitioned from letting the house go to foreclosure and not caring about money (which meant you'd walk away with nothing), to having $7k in medical debt because you won't get a job with benefits, to using mortgage money and bill money to send home. and now, you need $10k to buy interest in your grandparents house. you're demanding more from me overnight. and that can't happen. it's not going to. you didn't have internet, fine. you have a phone. don't wait three days to respond on a sunday and demand money overnight.
i am really sorry that your family is going through everything they are going through right now. to have your aunt fighting everyone for money in light of your grandmother's death and amanda's situation is insane. i am sympathetic. but you should be talking to your aunt about how you feel about all of this and telling her you need time, instead of trying to squeeze money out of me to fix it overnight.
i don't know what you are leaving untended to as far as our house goes, other than the mortgage situation that you have yet to explain, i have to pay my rent late because you were irresponsible. i had to keep the house from getting foreclosed upon. you should get nothing, because if i hadn't stepped in, this would have resolved itself.
i have a feeling there are going to be a lot of surprises that come up with the house, because you haven't taken care of things, and you have let the entire situation spiral out of control. i am the one who has to step in and fix it all, without knowing what i am getting into. i shouldn't even be negotiating with you until i know all of that information. i have to wait for months to collect the debts you owe me when the house sells, it's not like i get it when you sign everything over to me.
i am not going to hand over a bunch of money and hope that you're true to your word. paying half of the money when everything is signed is how i have to protect the money i'm borrowing. you have singlehandedly destroyed my credit in the past six months, and now your decisions and lack of communication mean that i have to jump in and try to figure everything out, without having a way to pay for any surprises, because you have created a situation where i can't use my credit to help.
there are 29 days between now and the end of february, and i'm sorry, but there's more to you moving out than just taking all of your own stuff out as soon as jay and matt can move you. the house is filthy. just like moving out of an apartment, you need to clean up after yourself before you leave. basement included.
anything that doesn't belong to the two people living in the house now has to be out. there is so much stuff in the house, and i don't know who any of it belongs to. because people have moved in and out since i left, i can't just throw everything away that you leave behind. it is your responsibility as the person who collected rent to care for the property. if there are things that belonged to the two of us that you want to leave, that is fine. but nothing that came in after i left and doesn't belong to the two roommates is to be left behind.
what you do with this money is none of my business. and having a legitimate cause to contribute to doesn't change what i can give you.
i offered you the most i can give you, and told you why. now i've explained it again. i'm borrowing the money, so no money is changing hands until the agreement has been made and there is a date when we can meet to sign everything. i will be prepared, at that time, to pay half of what we agree to.
my previous offer stands. you are offering nothing in exchange for more money. you haven't shown where your figure is coming from, except to list unrelated family issues. wiring money to you electronically doesn't create a paper trail, the second half of the payment is assurance that you will hold up your end of the bargain.
so there was that.
and then, i opened an email from kit. and it's a 20 questions article:
http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/01/26/o.questions.change.your.life/index.html?iref=allsearch
i love that she says answering them today could redirect your life, asking them everyday could transform it.
so this is my reply to that article:
1. what questions should i be asking myself?
what do i want to do with my life?
after this, i really don't know what i want to do. i don't have goals, or a timeframe, because it changes on a daily basis. i don't know where to start, so i never start at all.
what was i thinking?
i ask myself this on a daily basis, since i left ever. and probably for about half the time i was with him. mostly, i relate it to him, but there are other times in my day, when i'm at work or living life, when i ask it as well.
how much should freedom cost?
i mean, is it worth 3k more to be done with it this week? maybe it is.
why am i back in bed at 230 on a sunday afternoon?
because it's cold outside, because i drank two decaf coffees after only one regular. because i worked on my day off yesterday, and want to feel like today is going by as slowly as possible. to do as little as possible. and to write. that's why.
2. is this what i want to be doing?
no. fucking nowhere NEAR it.
3. why worry?
i have actively been working on this. i worry. all day, every day. it gives me panic attacks. it makes me lose my appetite, it gives me headaches. it makes me feel bad about myself. it makes me shake. it makes me eat too much of anything i see.
once i realized, after a few hurdles, that everything i worry about is so much less awful once it's happening or over with, i have tried to nip it in the bud. and i've had fewer panic attacks, and spent less time shaking.
i haven't accomplished this, but i'm doing pretty well with it, because i'm actively working on it. i still have my moments, driving around lost in thought, wondering how i made it from point a to point b without wrecking the car, due to worry. and i still haven't been sleeping well, due to worry. but i am slowly affirming that i can't change most things, and that there's no sense in worrying about them. i think it's why i watch so much internet tv. to keep my mind from slipping into worry mode.
4. why do i like ___ more than ___?
fries more than fruit - because they're so fucking good
bar food more than cooking - because it's easier, and so fucking good
(kit wanted to know why i like coffee more than ever, which made me respond)
dreams more than reality - because... fuck this. dreams are so much easier. glorified versions of things are so much better than what they really are. until you realize that they are only what they are. it is only better before realization sets in.
beer more than water - because it makes me feel better and happier, and is so fucking good
writing more than talking - because i am not a witty girl. i have to really think about things and process them. and edit myself. i am so much better at putting things into words when i'm not on the spot. i like having time to think and edit, and that will probably never change.
virtual interaction more than real interaction - because i like being in my pjs, in bed, unshowered and sleepy faced. because i like not having to bundle up in the wintertime to go outside. because i don't have to put on makeup. because i can do what i want, when i want, and not leave someone waiting for me. because i'm naturally a flake, who is fighting flakiness.
5. how do i want the world to be different because i lived in it?
i think this and #6 are cheesy questions. but i guess i would say, to have written things circulating in it, even if only a few people read them.
6. how do i want to be different because i lived in this world?
to be responsible to it and minimize my impact on it. i do my part to not consume too much, try not to waste, recycle fanatically and push it on other people.
7. are ___ better people?
pretty people - it's mostly inherent, something pretty people have no control over. but how much science and data exist showing that pretty people have it easier and get rewarded for being pretty. i mean, define better. they have a better chance of landing an attractive other half, having more money, having better luck. and yeah, they make me feel bad about myself. they make me feel like i don't stand a chance.
8. what is my body telling me?
stop smoking
stop drinking
start exercising
make better food choices
get out of bed
9. how much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk?
as it turns out, not much. i don't have a lot, i don't acquire a lot. i've actively worked on eliminating friendships that weren't. and i got rid of a lot when i left ever. i don't buy a lot, due to buyer's remorse. i talk myself out of buying things when i want them or need them.
10. what's so funny?
in general, potty humor
but sometimes i feel like a sad comedian. i crack jokes at my own expense, at my own situation, all the time. it's in an effort to keep myself from crying and giving up. i have to make light of it.
11. where am i wrong?
i have made a lot of mistakes, and i freely admit to that. but the past month or so, with ever, has sent me reeling backwards, because i constantly feel like screaming at him, 'see? i was RIGHT!' all day, every day, he gives me reasons to want to remind him all the ways i was right.
was i a better person when i thought i was wrong all the time? maybe not, because my confidence was lower. but being a self-righteous dick isn't the way i want to go either. i just want to be right about ever. i can be wrong about everything else.
i do love to say 'i told you so', but have been better about not saying it to people i care about, because it makes them feel bad. because nobody likes to be wrong. and i don't want to be a bully, kicking someone while they're down.
12. what potential memories am i bartering, and is the profit worth the price?
i don't really get this, even after reading the explanation. but i think that what i'm doing is waiting for things in my life to change. waiting for time to pass so i can make new memories. and i am completely aware that i could die waiting. i could be so unlucky to not have one more day to get to that point.
sometimes, i tell myself to live every day like it's my last. but i've been spending so much time trying to deal with daily bullshit that i can't say i've been doing it lately.
and always, i tell myself not to put off until tomorrow what i can do today. and that mentality has spared quite a bit of struggle in my life. because i used to be the worst procrastinator. and because i work well under pressure, i kindof lived for it. but in my job, and in my divorce, i take care of everything as it comes up, because too many variables can change, and wreck what you had planned. i had to learn it the hard way. and it's one of the things i think i'm right about, when it comes to ever.
13. am i the only one struggling not to ___ during ___?
crack during my divorce. i know i'm not. but that's what came to mind.
also, hurt someone physically during my divorce. because sometimes i think beating some sense into ever is the only way he will understand. resort to caveman mentality, because apparently, that is what i'm working with.
14. what do i love to practice?
obviously, writing. but it's not like practicing an instrument. it's like the practice of doing it. secondary definition of the word.
if i made more time for it, i'd say art. but i just don't. i enjoy it when i do, but if i loved it, i'd make more time to practice it.
15. where could i work less and achieve more?
uninspired answer: delegate at work more often.
16. how can i keep myself absolutely safe?
not live in a city that is pretty dangerous.
not walk around drunk or after drinking, even if i'm nowhere near drunk.
carry mace.
learn self defense.
have a nest egg.
(the article says you can't.)
17. where should i break the rules?
i'm too lazy to answer this question.
18. so say i lived in that house in tuscany, with untold wealth, a gorgeous, adoring mate, and a full staff of servants... then what?
i am not one of those people who wants to be rich. i just want to not struggle. i think that if i had that life, i'd be bored. who knows? i might go back to school or do something fun with my life, like travel and never stay in one place.
but i learned a long time ago that, if you ask yourself what you would do if you won the lottery, that's what you should be doing with your life. and i try to remember that, and act accordingly.
19. are my thoughts hurting or healing?
my thoughts are always self-defeating, self-deprecating, and negative. but i have been actively trying to change that by doing affirmations and mantras lately.
20. really, truly: is this what i want to be doing?
no. which is why i keep trying to speed this part up, and wish my time away, because i want this part to be over. so i can get to the place where i answer yes.
the post kit inspired me with almost a year ago, about factory settings, truly inspired me. i felt like i could go on for days about that post. and i would probably learn a lot and see how much i've changed if i went back to it now.
i hoped answering these questions would change something in me, but i feel kindof lackluster about it.
self evaluation is always good. and taking my mental pulse is also always good. the first couple questions were the best, and i think that the answers are what should motivate me to make changes at this point in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)