resignation. july 1st.

well, as it turns out, sometimes dreams do come true. and wishes, for that matter.

quinn turned in her two weeks today. kenna called me while i was in line at the bank to ask if i'd gotten her email. i said, 'oh no. what is it?'

and she said, 'she turned in her resignation, tea! she gave two weeks. now you can go on your vacation and come back, and she will be gone!'

i'm sure she'll have a scathing email to send to kenna on her way out, but kenna made a point to tell me today that she wanted to slap her upon re-reading the texts back and forth that i had forwarded. that she was being such a smart ass, and that it wasn't okay.

i was so happy that my hands were shaking, and i started laugh-crying. it was the best news i've gotten in a long time. and i sent a mass text to everyone who knows what i've been going through with her, and before kim could find out, pam called and put me on speakerphone so i could tell her.

there was squealing, and i was crying i was so happy. we're having a party. i just don't know when.

this just an hour or so after i left the store in tears this morning. it's friday. of the three day weekend. and i was fighting tears walking to the store, after hearing some too-fitting fray songs in the car with aubree on the way there. and telling myself, 'please don't cry. please don't cry.'

and when i got to the store, kim was sad, and i told her that i was sad, too. trying not to cry walking in, because i felt like a little part of me was dying inside.

they laughed, saying i was overly dramatic. but i started crying, standing right there at the bar. because i was being honest. my heart is completely broken.

and i stopped crying and pulled myself together, and then aubree hugged me a little while later, telling me to not be sad, and i cried again. i left for the office after i calmed down.

and then, at the bank, happy tears. for the first time in a while.

i just felt this huge weight lifted off of me. i don't have to plan to get rid of her, writing her up, demoting her, laying her off, like i was in my head last night. i don't have to outsmart her. after a couple weeks of being all up in her shit, and ripping her new assholes, i guess she decided she'd had enough. and the best thing is, i didn't even have to get rid of her. no unemployment. no layoffs. nothing. just resignation.

i'll take the stress of quinn's job, to have her gone. it will probably mean working some very long days. but it's going to be okay that i'll have to work a lot harder, for a while, when she leaves. it will be worth it. we'll brainstorm the overhaul at the party we throw this weekend, in honor of her departure. her yeti-smellin', motorcycle boot wearin', my-mom-says spoutin' self. the $17 an hour pay rate requestin', stand-on-a-milk-crate-when-you're-talkin'-to-me stature, who the FUCK do you think you are talking to, and who the hell do you think you are stupid ass.

GOOD RIDDANCE. don't let the door hit you on your way out.

after the resignation, i felt pretty lucky. so lucky, in fact, that i bought two extra lottery tickets this week. five instead of just three.

i figure, if wishes are coming true, i'll take that $20m jackpot. it's okay that someone won the $78m one on wednesday. the $20m will do. it's okay that i spent five whole dollars on three little slips of paper for three different games. i don't even need to hit all six. just a little to fix the mess of my financial situation...

last night, i was up until about two. i was so angry about quinn, and so disappointed about the boy, i could not make myself sleep. my mind ran away from me a little, too, thinking thoughts about worst case scenarios, all the reasons why i might not have gotten any contact these past few days.

and then i had a panic attack, and got up to write all my worries down in my worry book, so i could try to go to sleep again. and talked to nina for a while after trying for an hour on my own unsuccessfully to calm down. she helped.

and today at noon, at the office, after the news of quinn's departure settled in and i got a good amount of work done, i did something kindof dumb, but that i needed to do, to try to put my mind at ease.

only now it's not at ease, because it is just one more unanswered question. a beaconed message with no beacon back.

i texted, 'are you okay? i was worried about you last night. i hope you're doing alright. better than alright, really...'

two seconds. that is all it would take to put my mind at ease, at least temporarily.

it feels exactly like thinking ever was dead in an apartment, being eaten by puppy daughter. once those awful horrible thoughts creep in, anything that informs you otherwise will do.

and passing that fucking exit this morning, and again this afternoon, was really almost too much for me. part of me just wants to show up at his door, because i know where it is. and worry about the rest of it later. but i just can't make myself do it. i guess because i'm afraid it's creepy. and inappropriate.

but i am legitimately worried. well, as legitimately as someone with anxiety disorders and racing thoughts can be.

and as for the shitty tenant... he is gone. but none of his stuff is. i texted him today asking him when his stuff would be out, because i have a prospective tenant. and he wrote back, saying that his keys and a note were on the dresser.

dear friends, i am aware that the definition of insanity is 'doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.'

however, trying to be nice in this situation, i didn't expect to be deemed certifiable. i was simply trying to not be left emptyhanded. which is not what happened at all.

his note? his note is classic. he said he's coming back for everything at the foot of the bed (which is a massive pile) soon. and there are two bags of garbage - he didn't even have the sense to take them down to the kitchen where the rest of the trash lives until garbage day. or the mudroom. or the garage. trash lives in all of those places. god knows, the boy has probably never taken a bag of trash out in his life. but leave it in the room? seriously?? what. an. asshole.

and the kicker? he'll sign the promissory note, deducting the value of everything he's leaving here from what he owes me, so i can sell it and have the money.

this guy is a crazy person. leaving your shit furniture for me to have to deal with? i should have said, 'if you can get the mortgage company and electric company to accept your furniture as payment, i'll GLADLY deduct it from what you owe me.'

isn't that some shit? what planet is he FROM???

i told him to make arrangements to have everything out of here this weekend. to let me know when he'll be by. and that, when you get kicked out for not paying rent, leaving a bunch of stuff behind is not okay. and it certainly doesn't come off of what you owe.

dude. my mind is BLOWN.

i just paced my room for a few minutes before sitting down to continue to write this post. the house is going to be weird for the next week. no more shaun. which is a good thing. and i just dropped mike off at the airport for his trip home for ten days. so it will be just me and aubree. until her friend gets here. and leaves. and then nina gets here. strange days ahead.

because he's awesome, mike paid rent and bills today. and even offered to buy cigarettes in kentucky for me, because they're dirt cheap comparatively. i love that kid.

aubree and i are most likely going to the beach tomorrow. i hope it's not a horrible idea, to go where everyone else is going on a holiday weekend. traffic will suck. and the beach will most likely be crowded.

i don't know. i'm trying to make the best of this long weekend. i'm trying not to sweat the non-communication. my mind, again, is running away from me with the possibilities. i just need SOMETHING.

the last time i posted my wish on here, it came true. i wished that i'd come back from vacation to a quinn-free workplace.

so here it is, blogger. make some magic:

i wish to have one day with a certain boy. i wish to have a chance to say things in person that i really need to say. and more than anything? i wish to have some feeling of security, of happiness again, knowing that everything will be okay, because there's more to his words than the letters that make them up.

whenever you're ready, universe. i've been waiting patiently, and i can't say that it's not because i'm being forced to. because i am. but i'm a good person, with a good heart. and i just want some closure, if nothing else.

pleasepleaseplease let me get what i want. again.

i know i just said that a couple days ago. but in light of it being july and all, in light of the shit month that june was, just this one little thing? pretty please? i put up with a lot of bullshit last month, and i just need a little stability back in my life.

i've sworn off the hormones, so i'll be able to deal with whatever comes my way. and i'm still thinking about what nina said, late last night, when she chatted with me until i was calmer and able to attempt sleep a second time. she said,

'no matter what, i will NOT let him become another coffee.'

to find out what happened. to get answers. and above all, to not spend the next fourteen years of my life regretting what i did or didn't do.

i get it. and it really hit me over the head like a frying pan.

i don't want it to be over, which is why i'm fighting it so hard. but if it has to be, i'll at least do myself the favor of talking about the hard stuff, and knowing how to keep this from happening again.

every time, i come back to dream for an insomniac.

'i don't want other fish. i want THAT fish. the blue-eyed, angel faced fish. the david shrader fish.'

even though his eyes are not blue. that line is how i feel, especially now.

in a further senseless move, tonight at seven, for the first time ever, i called him.

and he didn't answer. and i left a message, asking him to please call me because i wanted to hear his voice.

and it's after 11. and still, nothing.

i'm actually genuinely concerned.

and even more confused now than ever before.

with my mind racing. none of it good.

and now i get to attempt to sleep again. i can hardly wait.

dilate. june 30th.

i have had this song stuck in my head for over 24 hours now. it was the noise that wouldn't let me sleep in silence last night.

'you always disappoint me.'

'i just want you to live up to the image of you i create.'

'you've left me with nothing, but i've worked with less.'

'forgetting defines me.'

'i don't use words like 'love', words like that don't matter.'

'i wake up in the night... my hands grope for my head.'

'and i know that i'm better, i'm better off alone.'

there are SO MANY amazing lines in that song.

last night, aubree and i got into my bed at 930 to watch dexter together. after one episode, we were talking. and i was so grateful that she was cracking me up, because i was on the verge of tears yet again.

because yesterday, i spent most of the day talking myself out of being patient. for the millionth time, i told myself i'm giving up on him.

and then he said he didn't forget me, and that he'd written me, and would send it when he got to his room. and in the jinx of doom, bragging to three people meant that there was no email. and still isn't.

because he forgets me. i can only assume it's easy for him.

and laying in bed last night, wide awake after 11 and knowing i was up at 545 today, hating the heady insomnia, i got out of bed and wrote a three page letter i'll never send.

because that is what i do when i'm in the situation i'm in right now.

i write a letter that says everything i'll never have the courage to say. and what makes it so great is knowing that it will never be sent. because that's when the truth comes out.

maybe someday i'll have the courage to admit to the underlying themes. but never in those words. and when i stopped writing, mostly because i felt like i was done with it and had ended it appropriately, i got back into bed. but sleep still alluded me for a while longer.

i'm tired today. weary. and most likely, weepy in the coming hours.

i'm finally frustrated enough to think that i have the balls to say, in response to whatever comes next, if anything comes next, 'call me when you're on your way to see me.'

because i don't believe that he actually will.

kit told me yesterday that i could be the next sugar (from rumpus). and i had no idea what she was talking about. so i looked her up. she calls everyone sweet pea. which is a nickname my mom overuses. and i only read three columns, but kit was right. they did strike a chord in me.

sugar left her husband, too. and sugar found love again that changed her mind, too.

beyond that, there's another post that mirrors things i've written in paper journal, but not here, about one of the bigger mistakes i've made in my life, during the months of march and april.

something else happened last night, which was part of what aubree and i were cracking up about. today is the day that shaun is supposed to be out of my house. and as of last night, when he had pizza delivered, not a single thing had been packed or removed from his room.

i'd drawn up that promissory note, so i put it under his door before i went to bed. and within seconds, had a text on my phone saying, 'where r u? we need to talk bc u a dreaming if you think i'm gonna sing this thing.'

i made the 'one second' sign to aubree, who was talking to mom, and walked to his door and knocked and said 'i'm here'.

he opened his door, saying there is no way i'm getting money from him in july. i should point out that, at this point, he owes me $770. the payments i wrote up were for three months, july/august/september. about $289 a month. for money he owed me on the first of this month. and he said, as if i was supposed to understand it, 'that's more than a whole paycheck!'

yeah. well, it's more than a month of money, so it SHOULD be more than one check. and then told me he fucked someone the night before to get $100. why he thinks that this is okay to tell me, i will NEVER understand. i think i shook my head, too dumb for words.

i said, 'are you disputing that you owe me any of this money?'

and he said no.

so i said, 'i have been beyond cool to you up to this point. i haven't taken a PENNY from you this month. so you shouldn't talk to me that way, and you are in no place to be rude to me.'

and he said he's selling off his stuff today. great. i was worried all day that there would be strange people in my house, traipsing in and out while no one else was home, except broke roommate.

but when i got home, and his room looked exactly as it did last night, i wasn't worried anymore. turns out planning to sell everything, and actually having people show up to buy it, are two different things.

and now? he's getting his things out of the kitchen. forward progress. hurray.

but the other thing we were laughing about last night was aubree's metaphor for my other situation.

she said, 'i don't get it. i just don't understand!' which is what i spend all day every day thinking.

and said, 'it's like he's fishing. and you're on his line. so he tugs at you, to set the hook. and then he's got you. and he stops reeling you in. kinda lets you swim around a little. and then he realizes you're swimming toward him, so he reels you in more, saying 'man! this is easy!' and then lets you stay there again for a while. and slowly reels you in, or doesn't. and when you stop moving, he'll give you a little tug, just to make sure the hook is still set.'

it's perfect, actually. because it's true. it doesn't, however, make it any easier to understand.

and now it's thursday. and for some stupid fucking reason, i'm STILL holding out hope for weekend plans. but there is absolutely NO reason to believe that at all.

maybe today is the day when i say it and mean it: i need to be done.

the ring comes out today. so there's that.

and the patch is in my underwear drawer, and i have a week to decide if i even fuck with it, or just hang onto it for someday when i need birth control again. i'm telling myself that it will be two months before i go back to hormones, if then.

because if something crazy happens, and he bucks up, i need a month of feeling like i want to subject myself to that again before putting myself through it. i cannot believe that i went through all of that to have sex ONE TIME.

what. a. travesty.

in other news, kim and pam are now food safe, and that is the biggest stress relief to me. i'm so glad i sent them together, because i know they had the most fun possible in that shitty class. and because now i'm technically covered. hooray.

and i spent at least an hour last night talking to nina about our vacation. part of it was spent frustrated, getting kicked offline. and then it dawned on me: CALL HER.

and we spent time giggling, and organizing our collective vacation. and it felt great. we are both more excited now than ever. and i can't wait for it to be here.

having days that will be spent having lunch, laying by a pool in the sun, and biking around the city is going to be fantastic. i love having an excuse to go out and do things. it's going to serve as a healing distraction for me, too. there won't be time to lay around and cry and feel sorry for myself when i'm on vacation from work for a week with my best friend.

it's now just over a week away. and that is the best news i have today.

well, that, and the fact that shaun is packing the kitchen up, so he is going to keep to his word that he will be out.

now if i can just figure out how to change the locks. again. groan.

the bitches of being a landlord. of putting my foot down. finally. and not being taken advantage of. of managing my life, and taking back control over a couple of the things that i can take control of.

as for the rest? i'll keep telling myself that i've had enough. whether it's work or my love life.

and i'll do my best to stay true to my word. because isn't that what all of these problems are all about?

it is. they are.

and? i will...

making progress. june 28th.

today i did myself the favor of a half day. for mental health.

and i made great use of it. i wrote out shaun's promissory note. i filled out mike's month to month lease. i went to the social security office to change my name and have a new card mailed to me. i changed my name on my at&t account, my credit card account, and had new cards mailed to me from the credit card company and my bank.

the only thing that is going to make me feel better about the ever stuff is to really finally and truly shed it. to be as far away from anything associated with him as possible. and my ticket out is the conversion of all my legal documents and accounts, so that i am no longer a z, but a v again.

and it felt good to do it.

i cracked the guy up on the phone with the credit card company. i was feeling silly. SILLY, i tell you. and he asked how i was doing and i said, 'great. how are YOU today?' and a few more silly questions. he was laughing a lot. and i realized that i was, too. and when the at& t lady asked me why i was changing my name, 'i said because of a divorce.' and she said, 'oh, i'm sorry to hear that.' and i said, 'i'm not! and you shouldn't be either!' and laughed. and she did, too.

i tend to take that approach with people, because the response is always the same from people who don't know me well enough to congratulate me. catch them off guard, make them laugh. it felt better.

and i don't know about the rest of the stuff i was worrying about yesterday. i woke up in a panic at 5 again today. popped an ativan at 6 again. and didn't go back to sleep again. got up at 730 to get ready for work.

whatever. i got the catering set up, which was bothering me. and when i was done, i left. and handled my business.

it's a holiday week. it's going to drag. monday felt like thursday. today felt like thursday. tomorrow is going to be rough. so is thursday. but when they're over, i'll have a busy half day again on friday. and then it will be a three day weekend.

i didn't get the resolve i craved last night. i did say that i'm trying to be patient. i did say that i want to see him. and he said he missed me and that he felt like he hadn't talked to me in forever, and i said, 'because we haven't talked in forever.'

so many things went well today. it was nice to finally be in a decent mood at work, and to be something resembling happy this afternoon.

i really hope the boy can keep the ball rolling. call me like he said he would. and make plans with me for the near future.

i'm trying not to wait. but i am. i am always waiting. he always keeps me waiting.

in a perfect world, i'd have a few things go my way. kim and i sent wishes back and forth today, in text. the 11's were lining up for both of us, which meant that she was having good feelings about things for me. and i asked her what she wanted. and here's to hoping we get some of them, at least.

you know what i want?

i want quinn's personal day off tomorrow to be used for job interviews.

i want shaun to pack his shit and get the fuck out of my house.

i want lindsey to move in, despite the fact that she's bringing a cat with her.

i want greg to say that he'll be back on thursday, and that i can stay over. because i will be done at my store at 4. and friday's office day would be so much easier from his place. i only want this because i think he'll skip out on asking me to run away with him this weekend.

i want to work a half day on friday. in a perfect world? i wouldn't need thursday or monday with greg, because i'd have friday and saturday with him, at the beach house, for the holiday.

and when he doesn't ask me to go, because it seems a little late in the game for that to happen now, i want him to have me over when he's back. to have memorial day part two. a lazy overnight, spent doing nothing together.

i want it to be this weekend.

i want this week to be over.

i want next week to be over.

and then? i know i'll get what i want. because then it will be vacation. with nina. in phila. and it will be a bucket of smiles and too much fun.

i'm ready. thinking about it today helped change my mood.

it's only 13 days away now.

i need it desperately. it's going to be awesome.

oh. i also changed my prescription today from nuvaring to the patch. dealing with one week of hormones at a time should be more manageable. and if it's not, and greg's still m.i.a., then there will be no more hormones for a very long time for miss tea.

and if it isn't better and he comes through, i'll figure something else out.

i'm just glad i won't go through this again next month. i really couldn't handle it.

video chat with nina last night was rough. i felt like i looked so horrible. and she can't see my unhappy face when i'm talking to her normally, so letting her see me like that was very self-conscious.

tomorrow i'll get this fucking catering behind me. up stupid early at 5 am. disgusting. then to suck store until four. and then home and sleep and up at 545 on thursday to work alone at my store all day, and do end of month. it will be gross. but it's why i could justify a half day. and then friday will be cake. so good.

pleasepleaseplease let me get what i want. i'm not asking for a lot. just a change of pace, really. and a stroke of good luck. for myself, and for quinn. let her get an amazing job offer and quit on me. let there be plans, so i don't feel like there's no time in his life for me. let me have a weekend that isn't spent in bed trying to sleep and drink my life away.

i want a beach weekend in the sun.

to get back to being ME. i liked the me of spring. i need to find that version of me again. before the fall. summer tea sucks. i want her to disappear.

the long daylight hours are bringing me down. waking me up at obscene hours in a panic. at least when i wake up at 5 in the morning, it will be because it's time to get moving... do more. accomplish more. feel better about things. start again.

june 27th.

i don't know what to call this post.

the quitter? the headache?

i know that things work themselves out, i do. and i know that they can come out in psychosomatic ways. physical ways.

a few very strange things happened to me tonight.

i had a few very brief cries. as soon as they started, they ended. one was imagined happiness, a conversation i haven't had. and a question i have not been asked.

the other? definitely too personal, but because it has NEVER happened to me before, i'll say it:

i cried while clearing my mind. more than once.

it was fucking WEIRD.

i had a chat with nina. and she told me that i need to run from nuvaring screaming, in essence. that it's made me a different person.

it's true.

i have not felt this bad. and not for this long. that i can remember. i mean, when i was with ever, in the end, i think that was the most i cried in my life. but i could go about my day. and get out of bed. and be motivated to do stuff. i was motivated to change my situation.

this is totally different.

this weekend? i just wanted it to be over. and now it is, and i'm back to work, because it's monday. and i want this week to be over. and then it's going to be a three day weekend. fucking INDEPENDENCE day. and i am already wishing for that to be over, because i am entirely convinced (negative thinking, buckle up) that i will home, alone, in bed, again. wishing it away.

it is the worst.

the problem is that i am stuck. in so many ways. stuck at my job, that i've been disenchanted with for a few weeks now. maybe even more than a month and some weeks. summer sucks. i hate it. i just want to go back to life in the spring. when things felt good and hectic and fun and easy.

summer is the new winter. i wrote that before, i think.

in an effort to distract myself, i thought i'd watch a movie on netflix. i have 'wet hot american summer', because i bought it a few weeks back. and i didn't want to watch it, because i know it's fucked up, and wasn't mentally prepared to watch a movie like that. so i put on a nice paul rudd movie (because he is my favorite hot actor to watch). or so i thought.

and let me tell you. getting sideswiped by a fucked up movie, when you're going for sexy/romantic movie? not okay. really not okay. it was called 'the shape of things'. i knew about halfway in that it wasn't what i thought it was going to be. i knew a little more than halfway through that it was taking a turn. but, just like i did with nip/tuck, i watched it to the end. because i was invested.

i frowned so hard watching the last thirty or so minutes, that i now have a headache. which is also probably from stress. meets hormones waning.

it was an ugly movie. maybe i should have gone for edward scissorhands. or heima. or the sandlot. something that i know i'm getting into. i know the parts that make me cry. or laugh.

i spent the weekend feeling perpetually sick. because i was killing time until i had to deal with my problems. and, thanks to my anxiety, they are always worse in my head than they are in real life.

i didn't contact greg, because i need to really talk to him, and can't do it over the phone. and because i'm afraid that it will be weeks before i get to see him next.

i had to wake up at 445 this morning to surprise attack quinn's store. and it was so dead today that i left after just a few hours there. i didn't catch anything, didn't bust them on anything. so it was a total waste.

and after i left there, i got into a texting thing with her. again. she's challenging me. again. and every time i tell myself, 'this time she won't push me'. and every fucking time she does. she says something, which is her justification for challenging me. and some aspect of her justification is valid. just like before. and i feel like i'm standing in front of her, stammering. i'm not. i'm just silent. because i can't think on my toes. and because she outsmarts me every single time.

she knew there was no way for me to catch her in a lie. so the lie that i truly believe she told me does me no good. it sucks to know someone is lying to you, and not be able to catch them in it. and then to have them tell you that you're making unfair assumptions. which i defended myself against.

the problem is, i know what they think. because they run their mouths to kim and pam, mostly pam, who tells me what they say. but i can't throw it back at them, because then i compromise pam.

a few months back, as well as pretty recently, quinn and crystal have both made statements about my pay rate. and how they are the ones making all the money in the stores, and how if i wasn't getting paid so much, they could get paid what they deserve.

i hate that shit. i hate it more, because quinn's employees spout her shit. and i know it came from her. after the whole 'business ethics' thing? dan started in on that talk. and now crystal is mirroring her pay rate speak. and they're all bitching that i'm spying on them.

i hate feeling like i'm getting beaten by someone so vile. so lame. so full of shit. such a shitty person. and because i'm failing miserably at beating her, i guess that it's making me want to quit. because i'm certainly not going to join her.

every day, i feel unprepared for work. i have for a while. today, i did get a few things accomplished that helped chip away at that. but overall, that feeling is still there. and i think it's mostly because i'm getting outsmarted by a 25 year old bitch. i keep thinking that, if i just stay all up in her shit, that she will get sick of it and bail.

but being all up in her shit makes me feel physically ill. so can i even accomplish it? thinking about being all up in her shit makes me feel even more sick than actually doing it.

i felt so horrible, yesterday, after pigging out on chinese food (i wasn't even hungry, just eating because it tasted good), i had to lay down. i wanted to sleep for a few hours, but couldn't. so i just laid in bed, with my eyes closed, in the a/c, under a quilt, with my mind racing.

and i spent the entire weekend, from friday morning at suck store, until sometime around 6 tonight, specifically dodging the boy who i am mostly certain is going to break my heart. f'reals.

i have been heartbroken for weeks, but have also convinced myself that it is my own doing. i just feel too much and put too much stock into something. and i know i wasn't crazy for doing it, because i was being fed plenty to make my head and heart run away from me.

but it took a lot of work, once i left ever, to not be a flake anymore. and somehow, i have managed to find the flakiest boy around to try to date. the other problem is that i know exactly what i need to say to him. but i just can't make myself say it. i don't know if it's because i'm giving up on him, too, or what. but it's driving me mad.

it's so funny. those first three or so weeks, i guess, my line was 'how can something this wonderful end? what could possibly go wrong when EVERYTHING is so fucking right?'

and now? now it's more like, 'how can something have nosedived to immediately? how could i think this was it? what could possibly change to make this feeling go away?'

yeah, i overdramatized it to aubree. saying that i am afraid i won't survive it.

it's because he changed my mind so completely. he proved me so wrong, on so many counts. for three incredible weeks? god, he was EVERYTHING i wanted. until the immediateness wore off, and real life happened. until the swell fizzled out, and i realized i had three short weeks of bliss to try to recapture. and because i'm a drama queen, i'll say this, too: it's kinda devastating.

because i feel like, if something doesn't change, maybe tonight, or in a week from now, i have to stop. i have to end it.

i have been in too many one sided relationships. this one has all the signs of being NOT that. in words. but not in actions. and it's such a tease. i'm so tempted to put up with it, for the good parts. but the good parts are now memories, somehow. and it makes me feel kinda dumb to hang onto something like that. so fleeting.

ugh. i just want him to choose me. and i don't know if i can wait as long as he'll take to make that choice. and i believe that he's the real deal, or i wouldn't be wasting my time. but, shit man. pull it together. and either do it. or don't. and cut me loose.