post. april 9th, technically.

it has been an intense 24 hours.

and as much as i want to spill all the gory details of my first date, i'm sticking to my guns and remaining a lady. and writing it all down in paper journal instead.

sorry, blogger.

but know this.

it was fun.

it was super fun.

we were cracking like-minded jokes back and forth. talking smack, and talking life. i felt great, and he was complimentary enough for me to feel like he thought i was great.

we both said that we thought our first date was going really well.

and when i offered to drive him home, he said 'home or home with you?'

and i said, 'i'd take you home with me.'

and it was decided. that we would make out and stuff. and that he'd come home with me.

and at one, when i got out of bed to take my contacts out, i walked into the bathroom with SWAGGER. i felt liberated. i felt free. i felt happy. i was smiling so hard i started giggling in the mirror at myself. if i could have? i would have high fived myself.

and when i took him to his car at 630 this morning, i wasn't bitter. i was exhausted, sleep came in short little fits of lucid dream waves all night. and i sang at the top of my lungs smiling and shaking my head at myself.

and got back into bed at 7 for a three hour nap before work.

i had forgotten how wonderful it is to have a warm boy body in bed next to me.

and the spooning ratio was just right. mostly i think we slept apart, but there was some stirring arm draping and tiny kisses.

it was really really nice.

and though i'm feeling pretty good, also, about not being hung up on seeing him again soon, i felt pretty relieved when i texted him a joke that we'd been talking about last night, and when he responded a bit later.

if i never see him again, i'm fine with that. i'd like to, definitely. he was a lot of fun, and i think we liked each other enough to go back for seconds.

but i'm so glad that i am not like waiting to hear from him and crying because i'm not.

i took the bull by the horns, people.

and when i texted him after his response tonight, i ended the thread so there was no reason for him to respond.

in a while, depending on what else i have going on, i might text him again. another joke from last night. and just check in.

today was so crazy.

i know that if i keep saying that, it will lose it's power.

but really, it was.

because joey came by the store about ten minutes after i left.

i know... you've got to be kidding me, right?

but he did.

and told the girls to tell me he'd be by on monday.

i'm fucking beside myself.

i really like this boy.

and now, i shift from fearing dating site boy to hoping that joey isn't the one who somehow breaks me.

because i've wanted to go out with him for over a year. and i think it might just happen. like, this WEEK.

and because i haven't tried to push the envelope enough for one week, i am doing a couple other things i've never done in my life before. tomorrow.

i'm driving kit to a wedding in new jersey. because i went for a long drive the other night, to think and process and figure some shit out. and i really wanted to go to atlantic city. but didn't.

so this is how i get kit to a wedding, get a road trip out of it, and then explore. i'll get into manhattan somehow. totally alone. and wander around aimlessly for a few hours before heading back to pick her up.

i'm excited to go to strand. it's really my only goal. well, that and buying some cute underwear. because as of right now, i'm fresh out of cute underwear.

and if all goes according to plan? i'll be needing more.

funny. didn't have a reason before, and it is reflected in the choices in my top dresser drawer. now that i do? out with the lame and in with the hot.

tomorrow is going to rule. i kinda can't wait...

success. april 8th, technically.

while you were sleeping? i was specifically not.

it was fun. i think this is where i act like a lady. and merely say...

i made you proud.

doubt i'll be sleeping much, but it was totally worth it...

two post day. april 5th, the second.

today was so crazy.

i'm so exhausted i can't even remember what i wrote about earlier. but there was this mental vomit that happened after i posted, and i feel like it was important enough to document.

i glazed over the part where i was working on the house with contractor the night before, and opened my email to see the official divorce decree from lawyer.

it's finally over. for real. what's ironic is that i got it yesterday, but it was signed into law and public record two days after my anniversary. two days before nina's birthday.

so maybe now i can just celebrate that day next year, instead of feeling weird on my would-be anniversary.

and how fucking ironic that i read it at about 10 last night, after we'd spent a couple hours preparing the house for the cleanout today.

i told contractor last night that i really don't want to live with hate in my heart. and that every single time i step foot in that basement, i am filled with hatred and anger and ill will towards ever. and thanked him for helping move the last big things into the keep pile. thanked him for helping me eradicate all of that hatred from my house.

and what i didn't say to him, but also felt, was that i just need ever to be out of this house. i didn't feel like it was hard until now. but the way i feel today, after everything is gone, is that he is really very nearly a fucking bad memory. i can almost forget him.

i've been practicing saying that i bought this house. that i gutted this house. that i put it back together. that i did everything. the we is slowly disappearing. because i'm slow to say things right now in an effort to make it mine.

to take it back.

and did i take it back today.

when i posted that, they were wrapping up with the removal of everything.

all told, two and a half tons of JUNK. out of my house. all of it was shit ever had collected. messes he had made. and $900 later, i was crying with relief, standing in front of the garage which was completely cleared, and swept clean. yesterday a huge hairy black spider came at me like a spider monkey. and i threw a brick at it and missed, and literally ran screaming down the sidewalk fifty feet away, while i was talking to nina on the phone. and luckily contractor pulled up with tools and took care of it for me right after.

today? there is NOTHING scary in the garage. no dirt, no mold, no brick, no cinder blocks.

the basement is free and clear. so much is so empty. and cleaner.

they shoveled everything out. all the dirt piles ever made, and rocks. all the construction trash. all the wood he cut up and piled into a stack on the floor that rivaled my eye level.

they took the paneling off the staircase that is in a horrible state of disrepair. and uncovered several support and load bearing issues. so i'll have a new staircase soon. i'm actually excited to do that project. it will be fun, and i've always hated the stairs down there, because they're crooked and rickety. it's like curb appeal for the basement. i can stand in the front and see all the way to the back wall. which has never happened until now. i am just beside myself, so pleased with the outcome.

five thousand fucking pounds. removed from my house. i took it back. and it feels so good that i can barely put words on it. i think i'll keep forgetting once the kitchen doesn't smell like wet dirt and power tool smells. there's this smell, twice now, and i do not like it. it smells like the scrap metal plant at the base of the platt bridge. the first time was when we plumbed in the refrigerator and contractor cut through the tile. because tile cutting requires water, and we didn't use any to take off the corner, the kitchen smelled for a couple days. and today, it was from the blade cutting through cast iron pipes to repair the drain line.

so i have this master house list. there's a contractor and tea list, of easy projects i can actually help with. then there's a list for us to work on when it's warmer out. exterior paint and concrete stuff that needs low humidity and warmth to be done.

and there's a long list that is tea and family stuff. painting and other stupid projects fall on that list.

and then there are four stages. things that depend on others' completion. things that are less pricey before things that are more pricey. little projects before big. things like today's work that i can't help with, that requires a team.

and then there's the lottery list. the shit that is so retardedly expensive and unnecessary that i just can't even waste brain power teasing myself.

pointing the brick, which is over ten grand, and is strictly to insulate the house and make it look nicer outside. painting the cornice. again. thousands of dollars for something that serves no purpose other than to look prettier. and two roofdecks. which i really really fucking want for this summer. i'd be ecstatic with one. but it's probably a three thousand dollar per deck expense, and i can't think about it. i have to daydream about the decks when i have an entire loft bathroom to remodel. because that's six to eight i actually have to spend.

and in light of aubree living here this summer, as long as her contracts are filled out in the next week, i need to step it up. because i'll need a door up there, so either i can live up there, or so she can. and if her internship is paid, then i might even get some rent out of it. or house fixing money. which is all i really want.

to keep the ball rolling. to get everything in working order so i can just go back to relaxing and laying in bed, complaining about my depression and lack of plans and lack of a social life and how miserable things are.

because when the house is done, i'll be so much better for it. i'll be so much in the future. and i can take the pile of money i collect and fucking run away for a little while.

i think that i'm fucking terrified right now.

to feel myself feeling positive feelings for a boy. and to feel myself getting caught up in it and excited. and to know that, even when things are going well, i always find a way to cry about it. that i will always accidentally get caught up in it when i am the instigator.

what if the only reason chalk worked for those two weekends was because he was the proposer? the pursuer? what if, when i pick the boy, and make the move, it means that i automatically get hurt?

fuck me.

my head is the biggest wreck of a mess.

what if i just think i'm ready? and then i get destroyed by some fuckhead piece of shit boy and want to curl up in a ball and never leave again?

kit made me laugh cry yesterday. i cried today with the garage, and just had a arms crossed over my eyes meltdown, saying the word 'fuck' aloud. out of fear. and despair.

i'm so tired. it reminds me of when the writer came to visit and i fucking cried for days, sleepless.

i'm there again.

but in a very excitedly manic way.

today really was so good. i think i'm scared because of just how good it was. and the lack of sleep amplified that excitement times a jillion. and then it faded and the fear took over. times a jillion. and the sappiness. times a gajillion.

i'm going to attempt to smoke one last smoke. and then sleep. and take it from the top tomorrow.

sex day. april 5th.

yesterday was one for the books.

i am already so heady with dirty thoughts and so full of impure desires. and i guess because it was 76 degrees and sunny yesterday, everyone was in an amazing mood at work. we listened to john legend pandora in the morning and james brown pandora in the afternoon. and that essentially translated to a lot of songs about sex and make up sex.

spring has sprung. it was thick in the air. and everyone was acting on it. whether they knew it or not. there was more than one point in the day where i was at a total loss for words. i'd try to talk and everything would come out in a wicked jumble. it felt exactly like the days leading up to chalk's first trip here. walking around without relief of sexual tension for days on end, despite my best efforts to nullify.

because all but the most important of my work 'boyfriends' came through yesterday, and because i was wearing my cutest spring outfit intentionally, the tension was thick on my end.

original nineteen year old boyfriend came through and got a fork from us, and walked away right as 'me and mrs jones played'. kim said he was about two minutes too late. that it could have been perfect. he is just the cutest. he blushes when i ask him questions about school, and i ask him questions about school just to watch him blush and fidget and play with his hair.

the craziest bit of my day was when my other blushy boy, adam, came through. he's the one that made me insane all fall and winter with his corduroy pants and cardigan sweaters.

he walked up to the counter after being away for a couple weeks. and he asked for an iced coffee, and decided that the best place to stretch was right in front of my register. his polo shirt came up to mid stomach. i caught a half eyeful of little belly and happy trail and diverted my eyes. kim, on the other hand, just stared. i would have, but didn't want my puma reflexes to propel me over the counter, pivoting on one hand, dukes of hazzard style. so i made his drink instead.

and we were talking about the weather (he came with his girl coworker). saying how incredible it was.

and he said, 'everyone is walking around in hoodies and coats. and i just want to take my pants off.'

i know for certain that one of us had to have said, 'oh myyy', but my memory is a bit clouded. one of us definitely said something else, and i said, 'in public? wow.'

he talked about it for a second more i know, but my mind was not really in the game at that point. i was definitely somewhere far, far away. with that boy. without his pants on.

dear god.

and then 'sex machine' came on. and a bunch of other songs that were just all too appropriate.

we were a pile of wound up laughs. all. day. long.

there were several references to giving me a few minutes in the stock room. and one request for me to please come in to work with a clear mind.

i don't know. i can't work under those conditions.

i woke up yesterday, and rode my bike to work in the warm spring morning. and felt myself thinking that i really wanted to just fucking quit my job.

i feel like i can't do the job right now. i cannot focus on anything other than boys and sex and having fun. i goof off all day that i work with the girls, and feel like not only a lame boss responsibility wise. i feel totally unprofessional.

and it makes me feel like i'm doing kenna a disservice. but i guess the flipside is that there just happens to not be much for me to do right now.

there are a round of health inspections coming up soon, and i'm fucking terrified. if we don't get shut down, i'll feel better about being the boss. but if we do, i'll feel even more like it's time to quit and let someone else be the boss.

i kinda can't fathom not making the money i make. i am four days from having three more weeks of vacation time. i cannot live without health insurance. if these three things were non-factors, i'd work for regular wages, part time, and let someone else handle the stupid shit i don't want to deal with.

and right back to boys. that is where my mind ended up that quickly.

because i have a real date. on thursday night.

with matthew. the boy i talked phils with on saturday when i stayed in.

we're meeting for drinks.

he texted me last night, asking if we had picked a night to go out yet.

and i texted him back saying thursday would be good. at 7.

and he texted me back, 'yes!'

that is approximately the time i let myself get even more excited.

something else happened, too.

alice has this friend.

and every so often, she hangs out with him - he was her best friend in college. and she'll post a picture of the two of them.

and every single time i see him, i forget that i recognize him, and ask her who he is.

i usually do it in a private message. but i was feeling pretty fucking full of myself that night, and just posted it right under his picture.

he probably thinks i'm a moronic asshole, because i said 'who dat?'

thanks, j cole, for making feel like a piece of ignorant trash who doesn't use proper grammar when it could possibly count.

within seconds of my comment, she was on facebook chat. cracking up and cracking me up. saying, 'it's greg!'

she said she would make something happen. i asked her not to go all high school with it.

she messaged me excitedly a little while later. saying that she had talked to him, saying, 'my friend thinks you're cute. you should come out to drinks with us.'

and the way she took his response elicited a 'oh my god! he's going to message you!!' response.

but what she said he said (oh my god, middle school all over again) was, 'nah. i think i can swing it. thanks, though.'

seriously, this guy is really cute.

and what made matters worse was that, that same night, he posted a link on her wall.

more than once, someone has told me that i remind them of maggie gyllenhall in 'stranger than fiction'.

i adored that movie. and i think she's hot, so i take it as a compliment when someone tells me that. it's her style, her attitude, her hair, her profession, a lot about her is like me in that movie.

and, of course, my favorite part of the movie is when will farrell plays that wreckless eric song. i am willing to bet that 99% of viewers would agree.

i have the song on my ipod - i downloaded it the night i saw that movie the first time. that's how much i loved that part of the movie.

and alice's best friend from college posted that clip on her wall, that night.

i have been fighting the urge to comment on it. i told her, but in a message.

it's just too much.

it makes me want to say, 'now i really want to meet you, sir.'

but i'm restraining myself from putting myself out there too much.

because it followed my saying fuck it and commenting on a picture that nina took of intern and i on dancing night the last time i saw him. i said, 'intern, you really need to come out dancing with us again'.

he didn't comment after. whatever. i just had to do it. and now it is done. and i am done with him. moving on...

i wish i could chuck him into the 'over it' pile the way i did with coffee. but my brain will always come back to him as the go-to.

maybe if there's another whole year between seeing him i'll be able to get over it. though, if coffee is any kind of an example, i have proven once before that i can not see someone for eleven years, and still not be over it.

i don't know. i'm a fucking headcase. i'm already paranoid about this date, because i just saw the caption on one of his pictures. he name dropped a girl who is his friend. and she has a really unusual name. which just happens to the be the same as matt's girlfriend's name. and he said we're pretty much neighbors.

so i am already fucking terrified that he knows at least three people who are one degree of separation from ever. which means he probably knows ever. or at least knows of him. it's freaking me out. it's my worst nightmare potential. it's my paranoia personified, if it is real.

and because i brought up ever, i should probably say something about that. i have been fully distracted from thinking about it. but last night, a short conversation with mike's mom about getting the divorce decree led me to talk about ever. and how he will probably die sooner than later. that i wouldn't be at all surprised if it was in the next month.

i need to mentally prepare for that distinct possibility. but it's so much easier not to. when i see the shrink on thursday, i imagine i will spend quite a bit of time talking about it and getting her take on it.

* * *

and? aubree just called because she got an internship in phila, in the same building my store is in. my sister will be here this summer!!

seriously, this feels like the best. day. everrr...

the basement is nearly emptied out. the garage already is. i am so so happy my heart might explode.

the flood. april 3rd.

i'd think it was hormones, but it can't be.

raging hormones, maybe?

i'm tired of being sick. i'm tired of not having an appetite, though i'm pretty stoked to have the confidence to pick up my skinny jeans from this past summer, believing i'll fit into them.

for my hot date later this week.

it also has something to do with the music that is finding its way to me.

and the fact that spring is coming. it's so close i can taste it.

baseball season is here, which only justifies my overdrinking.

and dates mean sleepless nights, hopefully making out until my lips are chapped and my legs are tangled with someone else's.

it's a scary place to be, mentally.

one one hand, i know i can handle fucking without attachment. but i'm afraid to get excited and be into someone and have them not be into me. wanting someone and having them not want me.

my first mistake was hitting the next arrow on facebook pictures. i got so sentimental for friends who are far away from me. wanting to feel the magic of this summer. before things got so fucking awful this winter.

seeing pictures of coffee both went to show me how far i've come, reiterated today by kit saying something about me only wanting one person's attention. because i don't feel like that anymore. now i just want a lot of attention from any of the boys that i'm casting a net over in an effort to catch.

and also reiterated by nina reminding me that i've been dying to make out with someone for YEARS. and i'm a little afraid of letting myself go and being in a place where i can get that.

because i don't want a boyfriend. or a relationship. i just want someone to make out with and send home. or have sex with, and send home. after waking up and hoping they like my blueberry coffee.

it also reminded me that, as long as i accidentally bump into that picture my sister snapped of coffee and i, that night he came to see me before he met his girlfriend, i will always have that regret. his smile was so bright. and our body language says all the things i try to convince myself weren't really there, in an effort to ditch wanting him for good.

rilo kiley 'takeoffs and landings' album is killing me. four tet 'rounds' album is killing me. my spring mix is killing me.

when i'm in that headspace that is so scary, and every song seems to be speaking to me, as ani so eloquently put it.

last night, i didn't go out as much as i was dying to. because i felt bad, and i didn't want to get my friends sick.

and a random text from a dating site boy led to four hours of back and forth texting play by plays of the phillies games. and getting to know you games.

and inadvertently setting up four future dates with him. i told him that i hope he likes me in real life, because we are now getting drinks at a dive bar, going out to his favorite indian restaurant, having hot dogs (because i don't share his affinity for sushi) and watching a baseball game, and having a night of beers and bowling. all his recommendations, not mine. i was certainly not going to be so presumptuous.

and when i said that, his response was, 'you're not annoying. you love baseball. and you have boobs. what's not to like?'

which made me like him even more. virtually.

he's super cute. and really funny.

things are about to get messy.

i'm shaking. i'm writing words down, and jenny is singing them.

i feel myself entering this phase where i don't get sleep. i mean, i've already been there for a week in a bad way. but it's about to switch to manic mode. where i feed off the sleep deprivation, instead of feeling like shit because of it.

i don't know. i made myself eat dinner because i was shaky. but as soon as i eat, i feel sick.

i hope it passes soon, so i can go back to being a pig, worried about clothes fitting.