beerble bath. march 4th.

kit has been coining phrases left and right lately. and i've been stealing all of them.

it started with hangry. you know hangry... fine one minute, hungry the next, ready to behead people immediately after.

beerble bath is what she has coined my bubble baths with a beer when i get home from the house.

credit where it's due.

moving on.

i did a lot today.

i woke up a little later. i used the neti pot again, it was awesome, despite being a little painful. and shaved in the shower. it was a great start.

then i went to delaware after hanging with kim and pam for a while, and stocked up on everything (beer, cigarettes, lottery tickets). came back, tanned, went to home depot to get things for the house, and went to the house after picking kit up from school to go with me. i took down all the curtains and washed them.

then commenced seven hours of cleaning and house related stuff.

i went to walmart, which i fucking hate, to get supplies. it was fine. i got what i needed. mostly.

i bought mop heads, because the ones at the house were dry rotted from lack of use.

i bought a basket for recycling, because i found out tonight after i bought it, that they have never recycled, because ever didn't say anything about it or provide a recycling bin. this is one of my biggest pet peeves. non-recyclers.

i bought dishwasher stuff and laundry stuff. because i used their detergent when i washed all the curtains. i think it was a good way to banish the filthy smoker smell. and it had never been done. in two years plus.

i bought a new front door lock set. which was a good thing, because i don't want ever coming in. and because i don't want everyone else having keys to the house (all the employees, etc). and because the set on the door now looks like it could be touched and broken into.

it was $50. and i stared it down, before throwing it in the cart and making three extra sets of copies for it. it was what i went there for. i was hoping for a $20 fix.

and when i told mike and shawn about it tonight, mike was super grateful. he had been concerned about the number of people who had keys to the house. i guess ever had given them to anyone who had ever stayed there, not to mention all his employees. so he thanked me for that.

both of them were home, and we talked for a while in the kitchen tonight. it was good, because i needed to find out about rent and to touch base with them about my plans for the house.

i think mike was pretty freaked out by my saying that i was probably going to list in june or july and wanted an empty house. he moved in last june, and has a one year lease with ever. he wanted to be sure that ever wasn't expecting rent from him, that i was supposed to be taking it, and that his lease was still good, which was why he hadn't left it for me. but asked more than once if he should be looking for a place to live soon. i had told ever to address it, but as per his usual, he did not. i texted him about it. of course, i didn't hear back. the fact that it was 1030 is beside the point.

he was also very grateful about my offer to include a few of the utilities in their rent.

they pay over $500 a month for a room. and ever didn't include anything in that. he said he'd been struggling with surprise bills.

i know it's got the potential to be an awesome house, but they shouldn't be paying the water bill. and it's steep for what they've been getting. so i said that i'd look over the bills and see if there was a way to include something in their rent, to bring their expenses down. if they agree to turn off the heat when they go to work, since ever isn't there in the house all day, keeping himself comfortable.

winter is almost over, so soon it won't matter at all. but for now, i told them to do what they can to bring the bills down, and i'd do what i can to help them with what they contribute to.

it went really well. i genuinely like both of them. they're super respectful, and were super skeeved out by the way that ever kept the house. or didn't. and by the mice that live there now, and by the roaches that resided there this summer.

i talked to mike for about an hour while i worked. he's a really nice kid, and i learned entirely too much about ever in the course of the conversation. i asked him if he had any concerns. and besides the mice that live in the house, he said that there was a place where the carpet had come apart from the stair step. i couldn't find the staple gun to fix it, but vowed to on sunday. i noticed it that first day of cleaning. and i've actually slid down the stairs before, because of it.

get this, though... when he told ever about it, at least twice, ever told him to watch his step. and never fixed it.

that the basement flooded when the snow melted, and that he was too afraid of being electricuted to plug the sump pump back in. guess ever didn't care to make sure the basement was dry.

i cannot get over some of the things that he was telling me.

it solidifies my belief that ever is completely is out of his gourd.

i don't know how he could collect rent this whole time, without doing anything for his tenants. without cleaning. without taking care of anything they asked for him to, which wasn't much.

it's funny, because my job has totally prepared me for this. this is exactly what a new manager does, to win over their employees, when they start to manage them.

they seek input. they ask what the existing problems are, and promise to address them. they tell them that they appreciate their work, their input, their support. they try not to set too many ground rules right off the bat, while they get to know each person. they spend their own money on things, supplies specifically. they clean, scrub, top to bottom, their surroundings. they give a raise (same as lowering bill contribution). they make a strong impression. they create new systems to organize the people, and communicate with them. they hold a meeting to introduce themselves, and talk about everything. i did all of that today.

it was funny tonight, i said something to mike about not knowing them, them not knowing me. and how one random day, some chick showed up, and just started cleaning like a crazy person. i told him it makes me feel ocd to mop five times, but that until the water runs clear, i'll keep mopping.

and he made me feel a lot better, and worse about ever, saying that it was filthy, and that it needed it. and that he not only understood why i was doing it, but that it needed it. and had for a long time.

he said he'd taken the original r2 to the stairs a few times, to get all the hair up out of the carpet on the runners. but that it didn't work very well, and that it was spaced far enough apart to not make a difference.

so my six hours today was spent cleaning the disgusting fur and tar funk off of the ceiling fan in the third floor. changing more light bulbs and putting the fixtures back on over the ones i'd already fixed (which hadn't been done in at least three months). vacuuming the entire house, again, before mopping the entire house. and the trip to the store in the middle.

i came home seriously wiped out. with a super sore back again. which means i probably won't be able to walk normally. again, for three more days.

and i got into the bath again. and i didn't get out until i was properly pruney and my hair was deeply conditioned.

and be proud, readers. i messaged victim number two tonight, on dating site when i got home.

he's the captain. he's cute, short, skinny. he drinks and smokes like me. we have a lot in common, as far as what we listed. so i told him that i think we might have a lot in common. then i gave him my yahoo chat name, and said i'd also be willing to meet in person. and that i hoped he had a spectacular weekend.

i needed a new approach, from a different angle, and at a different speed, than crow boy. which is a line i'd written about coffee a long time ago.

this one hasn't been online in a week, but replies often. so i hope to see something from him in the next week. i won't hold my breath. i'll wait patiently, to see if he thinks i'm cool.

i spent a lot of time last night, looking at my competition. to see what these guys see when they look up their matches. a lot of them are cuter than me, wittier than me. and i'm okay with that. it gives me perspective.

in the meantime, the boy that chose me, as far as i can tell, looked at me again. i'm mostly sure he's trying to prompt a message from me.

thing is, he's okay, with an award from a girl that says anyone who comes near him should date him. but he reminds me of chalk. in his words, not the amount of them (chalk's profile would be a fucking novel full of big words that i'd have to look up), but the way he talks about himself. i think he thinks he's a great lover.

and therein lies the problem. chalk's downfall. being good in the sack doesn't guarantee return trips to bed.

in any case, both the chalk guy and the captain are looking for activity partners. so this could be a win.

i might message the chalk guy. because it's not fair to put a bunch of presumptuous exclusions on him because i had a bad experience that started out sweetly.

in any case, at this rate, i might ACTUALLY GET LAID.

holy fucking shit. that would be awesome!

i might be able to squeeze one in before i leave my apartment. because thinking about bringing boys into the house is what i spent a good chunk of time doing today.

i didn't play music, because i wanted to hear the boys if they were home. because i wanted to talk to them. so i cleaned in silence, with only my thoughts.

something about moving the bed around the master. the bed ever and i used to fuck on. gross. i know... but the room i used to have sex with him in.

i kinda can't fathom bringing another guy into that room. having sex with someone else in that room. on that very same bed. in the house i bought and lived in. with my HUSBAND. for a year plus.

all my sex associations with that room on that bed are so fucking horrible. staring at the ceiling, watching headlights make shadows on the ceiling, waiting for ever to finish. staring at the wall, crying, with my back to him, waiting for him to finish. not getting off from sex for a whole year in that room. it started long before that. but i really think i only got off from sex with ever, maybe once in that room. i can't remember a single time, but that seems impossible.

i should also say that i'm really good at faking it. and that i have vowed never to fake it ever again. for as long as i live. ever again.


in any case, i thought about how much you can hear in the house. how, if i had sex, the boys would totally know it.

i thought about moving the bed. the problem is that it's the logical place for the bed. and that if i put it on a different wall, it's right by the door, along the wall that the staircase runs up from the kitchen. i could put it on the other wall, but it breaks the room up in a way that makes it seem a lot smaller than it really is.

but all of that made me think about the next guy who sleeps in that bed with me. and it made my head hurt. it made my stomach a little sick.

and i just cleaned and changed my train of thought. but it stayed on my mind.

i love that the pixies follow pinback on itunes. it makes me happy.

i just had the craziest sneezing fit ever.

i wish i was sleepy. or tired. i'm exhausted, but awake. and sufficiently tipsy off my first beer in the bath, and the second one while writing this post. and now need snacks (oh nooooo!).

i haven't done enough to unwind. pinback in the tub with a beer wasn't enough. it's that x number of hours thing i figured out the other night. that, paired with the post workout high from spending hours upon hours physically working out at the house.

this is why the gym works agaist me. six hours at the gym? impossible. six hours of sweaty/stinky lifting and cleaning at the house? merely scratching the surface...

it's almost three, and upstairs just came home, stumbling drunk and sniffling. hopefully there's no loud sex tonight. it's probably time for me to try to sleep now. i'm up early to go to dc with kit. to meet her parents. and new nephew. exciting stuff, surrounded by eight hours of road tripping. chain smoking. chain coffee-ing. and chain peeing.
'i thought i could organize freedom. how scandinavian of me.'

i know i used the quote before. but it came up again today, and seemed fitting again. so here you go...

every day, i want to write. and then i sit down to do it, and feel completely uninspired and without anything to write about.

i woke up really sad this morning. i cried a little before i got up.

my old roommate in tahoe had a horrible day yesterday. i was writing that post at suck store and she got me on fb. she told me that she was kinda freaking out, because her dog wasn't doing well.

that she could tell by the way he was laying when she woke up that something wasn't right. she thought he'd had a stroke or something, because he was having a hard time with one whole side of his body.

she told me that she had to pick him up to put him on the couch next to her, and it was about then that, in my mind, i thought 'eli is going to die today'.

it was sad to think about at work, and i was already having a shitty day. my heart went out to her. she talked to me for a little while, and said that she had to go, because he just tried to come into the room where she was and fell over.

it just killed me. he was old. she had him before we lived together, and that was twelve years ago. i think i met her right after she got him.

and my head went to 'marley and me', and how animals know. they just know. and some go off on their own. and some want to be near you. and eli just wanted to be near her.

and last night, she posted that she had lost her buddy. and it made me cry. and when i woke up this morning, so many people had written about it, because he was such a rad dog and everyone knew him, because she took him everywhere with her.

it was a total bummer.

and being so sad about it made me re-decide that i don't know if i can get a puppy. because i don't know if i can deal with it dying. or worse, having to put it down.

after all of that, i worked a long day. it was quiet, and i was alone. with just my mixes, and too much time to think.

i wish that my second pick boy wasn't so entangled in my old life. he must know so many people that i know. he probably went to a party at the house once, if not more. and i just didn't know, or wasn't there anymore. i'm sure he knows the dudes, and probably cat, too. i might ask her about him, just to see. he lives at a house that was very similar to what ever was doing in ours.

i struggle with mine/ours. i know the house is mine now. and that it was ours. and somehow, in the last few weeks, i've reverted back to i/we mixups when talking about the house.

it took so long to break that habit. i mean, ten years together, i think a few months is fast, but it seems so strange to revert back to it now. is it happening because i saw ever and dealt with ever so much? because ever was calling and texting me and making me think about him?

i was trying to set up a dancing night tomorrow. but no one responded to my prompting. so i suppose i'll spend another friday night the way i spend the majority. alone. home. drinking. feeling sorry for myself. now with the added stress of packing.

i've gotten a lot done, but now what is left to pack is the hard stuff. the things that normally just get tossed into random boxes. the stuff that was easily organized was packed right off the bat.

the bathroom was done the first day. all my closets are empty and packed, which was pretty easy because it was mostly in bins already. i have about half of the kitchen (the half i use consistently) to pack, and about half of my bedroom.

i just can't make myself do it.

the only way i've gotten this far with the house and packing is by not thinking about it. the concrete nature of this move.

i think the majority of the reason for my foul mood yesterday was ever-related. cleaning the house for one hour was really upsetting. and yeah, i knew it would be, but still...

seeing how the third floor looked after a once over was really upsetting. there were things that i hoped would come up off the floor. that didn't. that won't without some serious chemicals and hardcore scrubbing.

and some can't be fixed. like the shower stall. it just has to be replaced.

i guess that being there, and caring so much about the house, despite parting with it for a year, made me very angry. because he is so disrespectful. so unappreciative. and inconsiderate.

but, these are all the reasons why i left his dumb ass.

and somehow? still surprised. not surprised... disappointed. and kit said, 'but that meant that you had higher expectations.'

and she's right in a way. it was more that i was hopeful. that he hadn't completely destroyed an entire floor of the house. and trashed the rest.

and the hopes were dashed.

i was disappointed that his pile of shit in the living room that i carried downstairs for him was still there. i think i might put it in the basement. get it out of my sight, and not throw it away, even though i want to and am tempted to.

no need to be a spiteful bitch. i don't need that karma following me around.

so tomorrow is going to be different. i might go to delaware, even though i wasn't planning to go until monday. it's up in the air tonight.

all i know is that i get to sleep in. and have an easy day, whatever i do.

i will go to the house after work. and go tan after that, to make myself feel better about things. and then either come back here and pack, or go dancing and vow to hit on one cute boy.

i know which sounds more fun. but i also know which i do not have the balls to do.

pandora just dealt a song to me that i had been thinking of lately:

i'm grateful for that. also, today, i learned that rob crow has a solo project cd out. i must have it. and r.e.m. put out a new album this week. crazy. i thought they were done for! supposedly, it's really really good. i'll review it after i give it a few thorough listens.

now for more nighttime daydreams about living in outer space...

new habits. march 2nd.

so i've been doing interesting things.

first, in my mind, is denying myself. and how it backfires in a big way.

for example, i get into bed exhuasted and hungry. so i eat later than i want to, in an effort to not go to sleep hungry. then i want a cigarette. but i know it will wake me up, so i don't have one.

and i lay in bed awake, hours later. and some random thought passes. and my heart starts racing sometime after midnight. and i give up. and have a smoke. and some time later go to sleep.

had i had that cigarette, i might have passed right out. but getting layered up takes effort. and descending and climbing stairs is some form of light exercise that makes my heart pump harder.

another thing i've been doing lately is thinking about things while trying to sleep that keep me from sleeping.

last night, it was listening to the universe, about setting up camp on mars, and the logistics. and then i started wondering what the stars would look like from there. what a sunset would look like from there.

pictures do exist, but not helpful ones. the sunset photos were amazing. but the stars are insane because there is zero light pollution, so it's overwhelming. like star party nights times a million. when you can see every visible star, you can't find constellations. and knowing that the sky would look entirely different from another planet blows my mind. people have been staring at the same constellations on this planet since the dawn of recorded history. i can't imagine a fall sky without orion, or every night sky without the big dipper.

and then i thought about going there (to mars). that old question... if you knew you could never come back, would you launch yourself into outer space? i always think i would. i don't know if i could, realistically. i wouldn't want to leave people behind.

but i'd want to pull myself away and go. and if i could only take five cds to listen to, what would they be?

i know i'd take blue screen life (pinback), and probably takk... (sigur ros). and i'd want a thao (probably know better, learn faster). and i think i'd want some ani (disc 2 of living in clip). and maybe counting crows (august and everything after).

but in taking those, i'd have to leave that dog. (retreat from the sun). and weezer (blue album). and tori (under the pink).

i don't know if i could only take five.

really, i'd make five mixes of my all time favorite songs.

forever is a long time to be without new music.

could i do it? and live? and be happy? would i meet aliens? get bored? kill myself after a year of seclusion? who knows...

this is some of the shit that keeps me up at night.

you know, maybe i could take five ipods instead.

then i could deal with it.

i think a lot about the fact that there is simply no way that we can be the only planet that supports life in our universe. but whether we, or any other beings, will ever find a way to travel the distances to each other, not to mention noticing that the other exists and heading in the right direction, is not going to be determined in my lifetime.

we may never know. but it just seems silly to think we're alone.

the other shit, not as fun.

i don't know. yesterday at work, i heard a few songs that made me think of ever. and thought of a few random memories. i was talking to kim about the memories, some of them. because it's just so strange to me, what floods back. things i'd forgotten that some happenstance triggers the remembering of.

music is the worst. there are too many songs that will be linked to him. that i'd never listen to. but that the radio deals to me on occasion. i can no longer listen to the xx without feeling sick inside. last winter i cried myself to sleep to that cd so many times. sigur ros, too, but it didn't ruin it for me. rocket man now requires that i change the station.

the memories don't make me sad, exactly. they just make me think of where my life was before, and where it is now. how different every single aspect is. how, at those times, i'd never have thought i'd be here. and how, from here, i can't fathom that i was there.

back to habits...

i will always struggle with saying 'no'. and it doesn't have to be someone i know or care about.

so, because of the situation with crow boy, most likely, i wrote this guy back who had messaged me the first few days i was on dating site. he called me ma'am in the subject, which threw me for such a loop.

but he was very nice. and very polite. and thanked me for the part about sleeping with the fan on, because it reminded him of how comforting that was when he used to do it.

i didn't write him back for a while, because i wasn't interested at all. he's decent looking, cleanshaven with shorter hair. another instance of someone who is my age, but looks much older. but most of his pictures show him with long hair (bald on top) and a long beard. he's an interesting artist, but way too into spirituality and mysticism to put into the potential boy column.

in any case, he's a nice guy, or so he seems.

and i wrote him back to say, yes i'll grab a beer with you or lunch. whatever.

he'll be my practice date. so i can give my answers a test run and gauge it. so i can meet someone new. so i can say that i went on a totally random date.

hopefully it is at least entertaining. maybe i'll make a new friend.

i think i'd be much better friends with him than interested otherwise. but we will see.

is it mean to do it? he said originally that it would be his treat, to which i said not his treat. but is this really only because i can't say no? i am too nice? i don't know.

i mean, the other guy tried even harder to be witty and i didn't so much as even give him a message back. i don't want to be branded on dating site. i don't want to only go on dates that don't excite me.

and i can't seem to pick which boy i message next.

kit seems to think crow boy will message me back at some point. what's funny is that dating site keeps putting him in my face, because he's a new user like i am. maybe he's having really good luck right off the bat. has his pick of women. maybe the well will dry up in a month and he'll slum it and write me back. the way i intend to start with my four stars and see what happens. if nothing, then onto the threes.

i don't know. i can't care. but seeing his face on the suggestions all the time has a little mini flutter effect on me. i need to kick it to the curb. his face is just so ideal in my little world. there will be others. it will be okay.

practicing non-effects will make them second nature at some point. hopefully in the not too distant future, because if i send out five messages and hear nothing back, at this rate, i'd be crying in a pile in the corner of a room. but if i practice, i'll start to think of the next five before this five are even written.

insomnia isn't so much a habit as a condition. but i've been without awesome sleep for what feels like two weeks now.

i just can't do it. i'm naturally awake at night, and awake unnaturally early for work every day. it's like my body needs x number of hours away from work and awake. so working ten hour days that end at 7 when i get home fucks up the system. because if x equals 5 hours, i'm up til midnight. and that's not usually how it goes. i have seen 1 and 2 am more often than not the past two weeks. throw in a suck store day like today, where i'm up at 540, and buckle up.

at least i spent my day sitting. there were actually rushes today, which was nice. there was an hour where i was constantly making drinks. but for the most part, i'm relaxing, and i needed it.

i'm not looking forward to going to the house from here, but i have to make the next pass. i'll probably revacuum because i'm a stickler like that. and mop as i go. i hope that the stink of the chemicals i'm going to use kills all the funk that is living in the rooms right now. it's this awesome disinfectant deodorizer cleaner that the school uses to clean the bathrooms and floors at my store. so it should do wonders on the house.

to be determined.

then after i exhaust myself with that, i have art night.

i'm actually kinda wishing that i could take the night off, because it's going to be tight, time-wise. i've been feeling lately that there are not enough hours in the day. and i guess that makes up for all those weeks i spent laying around for hours everyday, thinking that the days were entirely too long. so long that they needed to be wasted away.

two bubble baths in three days. march 1st.

today was rough. i didn't cry, though, so that was a slight improvement. i came pretty close.

it seems that boys absolutely will have an effect on the day i have. maybe forever.

i let kit persuade me into riding the wave of messaging that cute boy. paired with the high i got from getting a message from him at 1 am, i was a little cocky, i suppose.

because when i wrote him back and said i'd like to grab a beer or brunch, maybe on sunday, i didn't hear back. he was online when i checked for messages this morning. so it's not that he didn't get it. i panicked and logged off.

that set the tone for my morning. work was long. and hard. and i kinda wish i could take that to a 'that's what she said' place. but i wish i could. i wish i had a boy to joke about.

i keep waiting for joey to come back. because i don't fear telling him i'd buy him beers and give him my number. the odds i'll actually be there when he passes through next are pretty slim. kim swears she'll take it back to high school and tell him to call me, tell him i think he's hot, and she knows he thinks i'm hot, too.

i'm not afraid to do my own dirty work. but if he takes a month to come back and i'm not there, i can use the assist.

i'm just beat. the house on sunday ruined me. i felt so great when i left, but my thighs are so sore that i can't bend down. taking stairs down kills. taking stairs up is a difficult task, but manageable.

i took another bubble bath tonight, and it helped.

with mood. with muscles.

kit and i went to favorite bar last night, and discussed how it is that i can broach the subject of divorce when i eventually go on a date.

i had said before that it would be a three dates subject. that i can talk about being in a relationship for ten years and being alone for one. that it communicates something about me. even if i'm not looking for the next relationship.

but i had to mull it over. because i do feel like damaged goods, even though i left. there's a stigma, no doubt.

because i thrive on honesty, and can't tell a lie to save my life, i hope i can pull it off.

today was stupid questions day at work, and we didn't have the patience for it. the radio sucked. and pandora signal sucked, so i didn't have music to save me.

some days are just like that. the stupid people converge, and it's a bitch. i had to go to the bank for the first time in a long time. it was a long walk and the second time i fought tears.

walking along, feeling sorry for myself. checking my dating account to see if he just had to think it over.

as if i'd sleep with my top pick. as if he'd go for me. or just have a beer to feel it out. so now i focus on my second pick. and find a way to preposition him.

the house has been a lot to deal with. last night i was too sore to mop. i'll do it tomorrow. after suck store, before i stare at a naked person and attempt to sketch.

and possibly collect rent?

add to the list of stuff i need to buy. that i don't have money for yet. because i paid the mortgage on time instead of waiting for rent.

it will be awesome to collect the $700 security deposit when i move out.

i need to call the movers i want to use tomorrow and set it up.

i need a week, two tops, to prepare for living at the house.

the anxiety portion of my day today started when the gas company said they were there to read the meter, and i was not.

then i realized it's the first. holy shit.

change of address will happen soon.

moving in will happen soon. but not today.

turns out ever WAS good at something... being home when service people show up, and letting them in.

ah, well.

hopefully he went in last night like he said he would, and put out the trash like he said he would.

because if he didn't, there will be hell to pay.

i'm sure i'll have time to write at work tomorrow. i felt like i had so much to say just a bit ago, and now that i'm not on the stoop smoking, i feel too tired to get into it. too drained to do anything other than watch silly shows that take my mind off things.

i'm glad i gave up nip/tuck. it was getting so overly dramatic, so unrealistic, that i could no longer support my viewing of it.

catching up on the office was awesome. and modern family. i guess tonight i will catch up on fringe. the trifecta of good television entertainment. via hulu. thanks, hulu.

the chocolate thin mint ice cream is probably where i'm going wrong tonight. because the beer i'm about to down will have to work harder against the caffeine. but i've been wanting it for a week now, and i just didn't have the will power to tell myself no again.

yeah. i can't sleep.

i drank coffee until 1 today. and tonight, i ate chocolate. and popcorn. at 9. and now i'm wide awake.

first, i watched fringe. then i started an episode of the universe, turned off the screen, and tried to sleep.

then i started crying, but i don't know why. i wasn't sad at all. i wasn't thinking about anything sad. i couldn't get comfortable. and my pillow was warm.

i think it was triggered by thinking about sleeping in my old bedroom in the house. because i've been thinking about how confusing it's going to be to wake up there again. some things about today made me think that i just left. and some things felt very foreign.

then i think it was a thought...

'i wish someone was here to curl up with.'

then there was a secondary thought...

'i think it's going to be harder than i think it is'.

because i left today with this false sense of everything's-going-to-be-okay.

and then i got up and went to the bathroom (why am i telling you this?). and got back into bed, wondering why i was crying earlier.

and i don't know why, but i started thinking about this boy that i like on dating site. he said that he likes crows in his profile. and the other day, national geographic posted a picture of so many crows that they darkened the sky, as in blocked out sunlight.

and when i saw it, i thought of that boy.

and so i turned my screen back on. and i re-read his profile. and i laughed out loud more than three times. and i logged in.

and i sent him a message.

that's right, friends. leave it to an overly tired, sore, weepy night to get this severe a response out of me.

what i love, is that you have to go to the person's page to message them. and when you click on the send message button, a message pops up. his said, 'replies selectively'.

thanks, dating site. because i wasn't already freaked out enough.

it's like it's saying, 'he's going to reject you! don't bother!'

whatever. fuck it. my message was cute. and if he doesn't respond, that is okay. i am all done with the crying for a while.

seriously? twice in a few days. it's getting to be a little overly dramatic, tea. knock it off. cut it out. wrap it up.


the house. day 1. feb 27th.

i am exhausted. my back is all but broken. and a bubble bath with a bells two hearted didn't help as much as i had hoped. probably because i was true to my word, and called my parents to tell them how it went at the house.

no pinback, that i had queued up, for the bath. no relaxing, really. i made the water hot enough to work on my muscles, but too hot to be comfortable in. my face was sweating.

i talked to them until i couldn't take the heat anymore, then took a cooler shower and got dressed. i'm hoping to go to favorite bar. it's hardly something to brag about, not having gone there for a drink since like tuesday or something. but there were months where i would have considered that completely unacceptable.

so. the house.

i woke up early, around 9, from a dream that involved the writer, being on some kind of a crazy boat, and a bunch of puppies. this was inspired by thoughts and conversations i had yesterday, and by the amount of puppy love i received this weekend. it started with seeing my own puppy on friday and getting so many face licks. then, last night, realtor hosted kit and i at a game night, and she had three dogs. all italian greyhounds. which i now need to own.

one was looking for a home, i guess. and i spent a lot of time with her. she's only four months old, and so sweet - all legs, really. weighs like five pounds.

i wish i could be a good puppy mommy. but i work too much and go out too much to be one right now. i guess that, when the time is right, i will take that leap.

i miss having a dog in my life. a little 'person' who loves you unconditionally, seems to know when you're having a bad day, and is an amazing companion. always there when you want them to be.

after friday with my own dog, last night almost made me cry, because they were all so sweet and cuddly. it's how a lot of people feel about babies, i guess. i feel that way about puppies.

anyway, a tangent. i woke up almost crying, because i'd just rescued this puppy from drowning in the writer-boat dream, and i was crying in the dream. but i shook it off, got up after lounging in bed with coffee for a long time, and got cleaned up.

i put on my working clothes. this campus inn tee that i adore, but can't wear on a day to day because i swim in it. but it's 1970s authentic thinned out and so soft. and the jeans i ruined when i was polyurethaning the floors before we moved into the house. they were my favorite jeans, and i don't know what i was thinking, but i poly'd in them and got poly all over them. so now they're my work pants.

and i'm glad i dressed as i did, because i was FILTHY when i left. i mean, i don't know if the dirt will wash out, filthy.

not to mention, it was almost sixty here today. it was sunny and beautiful, which was amazing, because i had every window in the house open. airing the bitch out.

i would have, even if it was thirty, so the fact that the breeze was warm coming in? perfect...

i took a box full of cleaning supplies over. my swiffer (even though i was mostly certain i couldn't use it on the floors). my mini r2 (my shop vac that looks like r2d2). my trusty handled scrubber pad. a pack of paper towels. and a roll of toilet paper.

i spent the first two hours in the kitchen. the two roommates were home, but not awake/up and about yet, so i worked on the quiet stuff first. the kitchen was so gross. so. gross.

i moved everything. i washed all the stuff that doesn't usually get washed (like the dish drainer). i scrubbed the granite for over an hour. i scrubbed the appliances down.

i tried not to cry when i scrubbed the huge sticker off the face of my beautiful stainless steel refrigerator (i'll fucking KILL him). and when whatever was spilled down the front of the stainless steel dishwasher wouldn't come off. and when i couldn't scrub the microwave completely clean.

i think that what i was most sad about was knowing that i was the last person to clean everything. A YEAR AGO. i'm sure the counters had been cleaned, but not in months. seriously, there was stuck on jelly and i couldn't identify what else. but several passes with clorox clean up and the scrubber. which i'm probably not even supposed to use on it. but whatever.

all i kept thinking was, i'm ocd. i have to eat from this kitchen. it is filthy.

i cleaned and did passes until the paper towels were white.

then i had a smoke break. on the back patio, which is on top of my garage.

it was awesome, except for the fact that the car wash was up and operating. i fucking hate that guy. yeah, i know, he keeps the drug dealers off the street. but he is obnoxious as shit and annoying as fuck, and i wish he'd move out of the house behind mine.

then i went back in, and into the dining room. then the bedroom. i was collecting everything ever had left behind, whether it was intentional or not. and putting it in the living room in a gigantic pile for him.

i cleaned and dusted the stuff he left in the bedroom, took most of it downstairs for him to either take or throw away.

and i spent the time in that room thinking about how i gave him all day yesterday to clean, and how i couldn't tell that he had cleaned a single thing. i tried not to get angry, because i would have redone it all anyway, because i'm ocd like that, and because he's a filthy piece of shit.

but whatever. then i went up to the former shop, which is the entire third floor. a loft now, converted from two bedrooms, with its own bathroom.

i've been thinking that i should reside up there. that everything i own would pretty much fit there, because it's about the size of my apartment. only problem is that there isn't a door or a wall, because we gutted them all. because i have the bed i got, and the one he left, i'm thinking i might sleep in the former master bedroom, but also have the third floor set up.

i can use it all, because he did and they were used to that. and someday when they move out, i can live on the third floor only and use the second floor master as a guest room.

because i love having house guests.

speaking of which, i spent a little time with the boys today.

shawn (the gay one) is so smiley. he seemed happy to see me, though probably a bit surprised. he smells nice. and he's clean. and he went to cooking school. i don't know how he survived the last month in that kitchen the way it was. but i know he was grateful when he went downstairs this morning and saw it gleaming.

he said mike (the awkward one) was home, but asleep probably. he came out of his room at 2 or so, but said he'd been awake.

it was funny... he said he opened his door and smelled cleaning stuff, and wondered what the hell was going on. that he didn't know i was there until he saw me, but that the house had needed a good scrubdown for a very long time (he moved in a month after i moved out). and that the kitchen looked awesome. and to please let him know if i needed an hand anywhere. that he was happy to help mop or vacuum. it made me feel good.

it made me smile. i thanked him and said i was fine to do it, that i needed to do it. but that i'd let him know.

i started vacuuming top to bottom, staircases included (there are three and they have runners - it's no small feat). i had to move the three pieces he left in every room (did he plan that?) to vacuum up a years worth of cat and dog hairballs and mouse shit.

kit recommended getting a cleaning service. i still might. but i wouldn't wish what i walked into on my worst enemy. no one i know would have been able to stomach it, so i did it alone. i have to get to a baseline.

but that's how my back became so sore, bending over to vacuum cracks and crevices. and stairs. it was unreal. i spent three hours vacuuming, with a lunch break between. i was getting hangry and had to do something about it. thanks, kit, for adding the word to my vocabulary.

i went to the corner store for the first time in a year, and got the chicken finger platter for $3.50. such an amazing deal.

it was awesome.

i dusted everything before i vacuumed i guess. my eyes are still on fire, i was blowing my nose the whole time i was there.

with the windows open, it was pretty awesome. the place still has that animal stink on the first floor and the cigarette stink on the other two floors, but it was better.

and i'd like to add that i picked up about forty bobby pins that ever had been using to scrape resin from the pipe he smokes weed out of. they were on the floors in every room i cleaned.

i will sleep well tonight. i wore myself out. i was proud of my six hour timeline, because i got there a little before noon and was done at 554. perfect. i couldn't have done any more without a meltdown.

and, i did something ever had also not done since i left. i manned up, and put new light bulbs in all the hall fixtures. they've been stumbling around in the dark for a year, because it required a ten foot ladder (the ceilings are that high). i was super proud of myself.

those boys have been living in squalor.

i would refuse to pay $500 a month for a room in a house that filthy. and knowing that it will be clean from here on out must be a good feeling for them.

and at around 5, mike asked if i had anything he could use to clean the bathroom he and shawn share.

which also made me smile. house pride is contagious. of course they weren't going to clean with ever the slob reigning. but day one of tea the ocd clean freak in control of the shit? top to bottom. he was scrubbing in the bathroom after i left at 6. i thanked him for helping, and told him i'd be around tomorrow to get trash and everything out, and to mop the house top to bottom, after work.

i feel good. it wasn't as sad and horrible as i thought it would be. to be there. the cleaning was a bitch, but it had to happen. and honestly, i had to do it. myself. it's what i do when i move into a place. it has to be to my standards, and i don't delegate that work. keeping up with it may be a challenge, but the boys are cool and way neater than ever was, so i don't expect to run into problems. nothing a nicely toned note can't fix.

i'll settle for blogger and beers at home tonight. i really wanted out, but my back is throbbing, and writing on the stoop with cigarettes and in bed with beers is going to be fine.

for a minute today, i thought it was saturday, and was completely heartbroken when i realized that i didn't have tomorrow away from work to clean and recover.

it will be okay.

and tomorrow, after work will be enough time to mop and get a big batch of trash out. the city quota is seven bags, one day a week. luckliy, i have a side entrance, so i can put out fourteen. and scavengers can carry away the broken chairs, busted appliances, and mirrors that ever accumulated, if he doesn't want them. along with the nasty couch that the cat scratched to shreds. it's so nice to see the house empty. and it will be even nicer to see everything of mine in it. clean, and fresh. pretty things that i spent money on when i left him. in the house. where they belong.

i'm in need of comfort snacks, and i've enough chocolate here to kill a large dog. so i'm kinda set.

i'm so tired. sleepy, even. i'll nod off to fringe or something else i haven't yet caught up on. i spent yesterday packing and stacking boxes to my eye level in the apartment. and took breaks to watch modern family and fringe and the office. i should be caught up on all three tonight, if i can keep my burning eyes open long enough.