nina showed me this amazing calendar a while back on etsy.
it's a year-long calendar in one big sheet. and everyday, you draw a face on the day, to note your mood for that day.
and i remembered it yesterday, thinking about how many different ways i felt throughout the day. and i thought, 'wow. i'd need at least three faces per day - morning, noon, and night.'
and then realized, holy shit! that's not even enough... because yesterday would have looked something like this:
:) :( :( :) :( :) :(
what the fuck?
how can i feel so much in one day? so imbalanced.
most of my days lately have been mostly happy. but yesterday was one of those days that i'd so much rather have slept through.
work pissed me off, and stressed me out, and gave me a near panic attack.
and then i got a bummer email that made me pout like a spoiled brat for the majority of the afternoon.
and then i hung out with alice and got to vent about work, and hear about other people's lives. and we had a lot of fun. it felt good to bike over, too. and then i came home and got sad again. and then hung out with aubree and cracked up, because she rules. and then got and stayed sad until i fell asleep.
and woke up muted. it's overcast, which isn't the way i wanted today to be. i thought that baking in the sun for a few hours would help with my crappy mood. but i also knew that it was supposed to rain the entire weekend, so i kindof expected it. and accidentally slept in until 1045. i thought it was 9 when nina called. but it was almost 11 instead. so i got up and made coffee before a headache could kick in.
i think the weather is partly to blame for my mood, too.
it has been so super hot this week. we had a crazy heat wave. the worst bits of it included seeing some old dude at suck store hospital, bleeding from his mouth and covered in blood in the parking garage, shaking. i assume he literally had a heat stroke. and i walked past him, leaning up against a car, and asked if he needed help. he said someone was coming with a wheelchair to get him.
it was fucked up. i have a super weak stomach, and seeing that guy in that condition was pretty hard on me, heading home for the day on wednesday, after hitting send on the quinn email.
thursday night was the thao and mirah show. i'm listening to their joint venture album while i type this out. and i do like it. i think there's a learning curve with every album thao puts out, because each one is so different from the one before. i instinctively like the newest thing less, because the one before was so amazing. but, usually over time, the most recent becomes my favorite.
the show was weird for me for a few reasons. seeing all these happy couples there, being all cute and affectionate, was hard. i think that, for the most part of the last year, i struggled with that. seeing couples and feeling the frown lines between my eyebrows increase in intensity. and for so long, seeing brides-to-be out drinking, i wanted to scream 'run!! don't do it!!' every time.
and lately, i've cooled it. i guess since i started dating, and having a couple experiences out in public, holding hands or accepting a kiss on the cheek, or a knee rub. i realized that i like that stuff, and that i was just bitter. obviously. but somehow, at the show, i reverted back to being a little sad about seeing so much of it. and definitely jealous of it.
but the other reason why the show was hard was because i'm kindof a snob when it comes to music. the shows i go to, for the most part, are bands that i really love. and bands that i know the discography of. super familiar, all the lyrics memorized. and i was (cringe) in my younger days, one of those people who sang along with every word. now i just mouth them, when i can't control myself.
but i love having a couple songs i want to hear live, and being very familiar with the rest. and i went to this show, of my absolute favorite musician, and knew that it was going to be weird for me, because i hadn't done my homework. i hadn't heard the new album more than twice, and neither listen was focused.
so when i only heard a couple songs i knew that night, and recognized most of the rest as being on the new album, but not knowing them at all, it was a little disappointing.
not to mention, their show together last summer was potentially the best show i'd ever been to. so it would have been hard to top anyway.
it was a great show. but as much as i love that they have combined forces, i realized that, live? i prefer them on their own. i want to see thao by herself, playing every song that helped me through the darkest times of my life, and the most liberating times of my life, and through the buildup before coffee closure, and the mini-heartbreak afterwards. and the return to normal once it filtered through my brain, and eventually feeling like i was completely over him.
back to the heatwave...
the craziest thing happened the night of the show, right before we left.
aubree and i were in my room, laying around goofing off on our laptops, killing time until we went to the show in the a/c. and we were sitting there, and i heard rain start to fall. i'm preety good about paying attention to the weather. maybe it was an effort to ignore the sweltering heat this week, but i was COMPLETELY unaware of the severe weather headed our way.
when i asked aubree if that was rain, she said yes. actually, there was tiny hail, too. and lightning that was so crazy. we don't really get too many storms like that here. i grew up with them daily in florida, and it still surprises me when i see weather like that here.
the wind was gusting to 60 mph. and aubree said, 'the window is going to blow in.'
the last day contractor and i worked on the house was the day we opened up the window to the roof. aubree had nailed the window back in place with one solidly attached nail, and a bunch of nails surrounding that one, kindof wedging the window in place. but it was NOT secured well. it took 30 minutes to undo it last weekend when i spent time on the roof in the sun.
but it was no match for the wind that night, and not even two minutes later, we heard it hit the floor, with a double crash of it landing on the ladder we'd leaned against it for extra support. we looked at each other in an 'oh shit!' moment and ran out of my room on the second floor. when we got about 5 feet out of my room, we were getting rained on in the middle of the hallway. it was horrifying to be in the middle of the house, in a storm somehow. i ran up the stairs, into the wind and rain that blew halfway into the house.
it was POURING. flooding in the window and freaking me out. pouring down the wall, and pooling on the floor. in a fuzzy panic, i grabbed the window, dodging the broken glass from the broken pane, holding the window in place with all of my strength. the window is super heavy because it was original to the house. heavy wood, and twelve little rectangular panes. a huge window.
and mike heard the commotion and ran up to help, while we tried to figure out how to get it back into place.
and i held it, getting soaked, water running down my arms. and there was a gust of wind that literally blew the window onto me, and i stumbled backwards. i almost fell with the window on top of me, onto the ladder, which would really have sucked. i felt lucky to keep my balance.
in my panic, i had them hold the window while i changed into my bathing suit, at lauren's suggestion, to go out onto the roof in the crazy scary storm, to try to nail up the tarp on the outside to keep the rain out of the house and framework.
and climbed back inside, feeling lucky to not have been struck by lightning with a hammer in my hand, standing two inches from the metal downspout. it was stupid to have done it, but totally necessary.
and hammered the window in place, with aubree's help.
as soon as the work was done, the storm had blown over. naturally.
and got a shower before the show and left.
it was crazy. i've been through more hurricanes and accompanying storms in florida growing up. but that was scary. feeling vulnerable to the storm and like my house was being attacked. all because i didn't know that it was coming, and did nothing to prepare for it.
i feel like my biggest lesson this week was about unpreparedness in so many different ways.
my work panic yesterday was spawned by feeling caught in a way. with everything that happened with quinn, i realized how unprepared i was for something like this, paper trail-wise. not to mention, living in constant fear of the health department. no one is certified, and we will be shut down if they show up before i get everyone enrolled in a class and certified.
and then the email that disappointed me to no end, after already feeling completely overwhelmed. the only thing i was looking forward to this weekend was dashed in one short sentence. and it was just too much.
and i pouted and felt sorry for myself. like a spoiled brat. a lot is not enough for this girl.
but i drove home and went to alice's and felt a lot better, distracted completely. and came home, had dinner with aubree and mike, while watching the phils game on tv.
and went to bed shortly after that. aubree decided to sleep in my bed with me, because my room gets plenty cool with the wall unit.
i had the sheet, and she stole the blanket, and i had nightmares all night, which NEVER happens. i only have them when i nap, and i woke up from two before i realized that i was too cold without the blanket. to not wake her, i got up and grabbed a spare from my wardrobe. and when i pulled it out, a single martini glass i'd rescued from old apartment hit the floor and shattered, waking her up.
i left it there, and got back into bed, trying to fall back asleep before my mind started racing and i wouldn't be able to.
and had a couple more nightmares. woke up to pee when the sun was coming up, went back to sleep and had two more.
i don't remember any of them now. they were all different, not one continuous one. it sucked.
and when nina called and woke me up the last time, aubree and i both thought it was nine. but it wasn't. it was 1045, and the race was on to brew my weekend coffee before the headache set in.
i succeeded at that, and tried to start my day off better than the one before ended. we went to lauren's to get some things she didn't want to move, spent a solid thirty minutes trying to fit it all in the versa, before succeeding at that and driving home.
it started pouring half way home, but stopped when we were nearly home. and unpacked and i started cleaning the house.
an all day event, it's turning out to be. it always is. i remember the days of telling ever that, if he'd just let me buy a house, i'd be happy to clean it. i never thought we'd end up in the biggest house in south phila, or that i'd end up cleaning it alone until i moved back into it.
aubree helped, and we got her room (the one with all the window and storm mess everywhere) back to square one. and worked our way down.
the living room is all that is left now. my room is the cleanest and most organized it's been, thanks to a call from greg that let me think about other more fun things while i organized and didn't pay attention to the work i was doing.
the box of candy from mom, which had become a catchall, was nearly empty of valentine's and easter candy. and i put everything else where it belongs. now there's just one huge box of junk and keepsakes to go through before my moving unpacking is finally complete. it has also become a catchall for things without a place, and when i go back in, after cleaning and rearranging the living room, i'll deal with it, finally, and feel like i've gotten somewhere.
it's a good day at funkhauser. it didn't feel that way for a while, and now i'm sufficiently covered in sweat and grime. and i'll gladly take a beerble bath when the work is finally done. i got a desk chair (the awesome swivel kind), three kickass lamps, pieces of cans of paint that are exactly what i'd already chosen for most of the rooms in my house, and a la-z-girl chair, as lauren calls it, which aubree has been sitting in and enjoying for most of the evening.
it's nice to feel better today. yesterday was the worst. if i can just get through the beginning of next week at work without incident (which isn't really possible, as quinn did nothing i told her to), there will be a sweet greg-shaped reward mid-week, once he's back from his business trip.
i can hardly wait.
not that i'm wishing the weekend away. i worked all week just to get to today and tomorrow. and doing what i do best - getting all the housework done on a saturday - means that, if the sun is shining tomorrow, i might just flop into my kiddie pool all day tomorrow. and bake some peanut butter candy bar cookies. mmm... just what i need.
beer week fucked my shit UP. i was doing so well, for so long, with my body. leave it to one period, a ton of stress, and beer week to add a solid seven pounds to where i was for months.
i'll get it back off again. i'm kinda glad today that beer week is only one week.
another reason for all the stress yesterday was driving around knowing that i had $8 in my checking account. i put gas on my nearly-maxed-out credit card, bypassed the beer store, which broke my heart a little. i spent three of my last five dollars of tip cash on lottery tickets.
until shaun pays rent (yeah, mmhmm), i am broke as a motherfuckin JOKE.
he was supposed to be home hours ago, but isn't. and my patience is wearing thin... the only good thing is that he is paying this month's rent and next month's. so i'll finally be able to put the supply money toward the slider door to have roof access the proper way.
and then all i have to do is get my dad up here. and then? we'll have a deck. it's exactly the kind of project that he is wishing to do.
so close to having something that will make the past month of not working on the house feel a little bit easier to deal with.
i am wiped out. but i managed to get through the giant box of crap and throw half of what was in it into the recycling bin. the house is officially clean. and i am officially filthy.
into the shower, into clean clothes. laundry into the washer, and i'm off to the german brauhaus with aubree and mike...
cold shower. june 8th.
it's not that it's not enough. it's that i will always want more.
on the heels of yet another amazingly incredible 16 hours, i need more. i needed more within the first two hours of parting ways for work. it's fucking crazy. it's unacceptable. because the expectation will only lead to disappointment.
i'm less scared tonight, which i'll take. because the last two weeks for me have been not quite terrifying, but not quite not, either.
the shrink yesterday did help me. she gave me two tools to use when i start with the negative thinking.
one involves literally making a list of the reasons why the thought could be justified, and the other of why it's not. and said that when i write them out, i'll have an easier time believing what is most likely going on in his head, than feeding the fire of what is in my brain, trying to eradicate the goodness.
the other involves thinking that my own scenario is not mine, but a friend's. what i would say to make them feel better. and telling myself that instead of the negating thoughts.
time will tell. i felt so great all day today that i haven't had to use them yet. and i can rest assured that, over time, a few changes will occur.
i accidentally raised a red flag to her yesterday, when i said i didn't believe that i deserve this. that the guilt i'm harboring over ever and fear of karma breaking my heart the way i broke his are making me feel like it's my turn, cosmically, to have someone desert me and break my heart.
she stopped me. and said, 'what do you mean, you don't deserve this?' she said it in such a way that it made my brain stop running, momentarily.
and when it halted, i explained what i just wrote out.
and she said, 'don't you think that, instead, you deserve to feel these good feelings, and to have something that is both real and good, because of the years you spent with ever, being so much less than happy? don't you think that you deserve this because you took that time alone, and that you are finding it now because you are ready to?'
it's what kit and nina and aubree and lauren tell me. but coming from her, who has gotten to know the way my brain works this last year, gave it extra validity.
so i told myself, and her, that maybe i do deserve it. maybe this is karma in reverse. the universe throwing a starving dog a bone.
and yeah, it's been almost a month since this thing started. which is both unbelievable and mindblowing to me.
what's more is that i had the balls yesterday to send him an email, where i admitted that this past weekend was more heady than i'd have wanted it to be, worrying about how my email and letter were received by him, because i didn't hear from him. and said, in the next 'breath', that it's my issue, and fuck vulnerability.
and today sent him a nice email.
and if today was last week, i would have probably been a little upset and worried that he didn't respond to either, or comment on them.
but because this is this week, i didn't. he said so many things to me both last night and this morning that i could relax into it a little. and know that wherever he was when he read them, that he smiled. and loved it.
and though i did wish for a minute tonight for a call from my 'mental boyfriend', which is what i've taken to referring to him as, i wasn't stressed on it.
and came out to the deck, in the steamy disgusting soupy night, to write this out. because i have missed writing as much this week.
and it turns out he was paying attention. and despite the fact that it is my problem, he is sensitive to it.
because he sent a text goodnight, telling me he got my email today. and that he loved it. and that he'll talk to me soon.
maybe the secret to having a good relationship is having the connection and the intensity and the chemistry. but more than that, maybe it's sharing your weaknesses and vulnerability with someone, and having them show you that not only is it okay, but that they'll be sensitive to it.
i really didn't expect to hear anything from him tonight, and that would have been okay. though i will admit to checking my email frequently today, at this point in the evening, i wasn't looking for anything from him.
and he surprised me.
and it feels really fucking good.
because he does care.
the game last night was bittersweet. it was a horrible game. certainly would have been more fun and voice losing to have been a game where we won, or at least played like we were in the game.
but i was there with him, and it was awesome.
and after the game, we took a cab home, which is really not ideal at all. but he sprained his ankle at soccer on monday, and couldn't walk like we would normally.
and jesus christ, i am so glad that it was so dark out, because we had a potentially very awkward cab ride home. no one wanted to pick us up, because the house is so close to the stadium. so we got in, asking what the ideal fare is. and the cabbie said that someone from delaware or jersey could easily result in a $100 fare. which blew my mind completely.
but he took us. and after explaining cab issues and woes, asked, 'are you two married?'
holy FUCK i felt my whole head go hot. and we both said no at the same time, laughing. and he said, 'boyfriend and girlfriend?'
and we both laughed again, though i have to admit it was a little more uneasy the second time around. and both said no again, to which greg said, 'we're dating'. and he didn't hear, and asked a question that reflected that he just didn't get it. so i said, 'we're just dating.'
and greg clarified, 'this is only our fourth date.'
and the cabbie said something profound about relationships, and talked about his wife and kids, and i tuned out most of what he said, trying to bring my heart back to a normal rate of beating. something about being lucky, i think.
and as we pulled up to the house, after having back and forth hand squeezings the entire ride, he wished us luck in our relationship, saying that there are three people in the relationship, did we know who?
and said that it was the two of us, and god.
and i should have been more graceful, but felt comfortable enough saying, 'god? okay.'
and overtipped him for sparing us the torture of trying to unsuccessfully hail one of another fifty cabs and causing greg more pain walking than he'd already experienced.
and we went inside, and went to bed.
we were both pretty beery, and were both too exhausted to physically exert ourselves, but we made out for a couple hours. which sent me to the moon.
and i had a couple smokes after he fell asleep. and i couldn't sleep at all, out of happiness.
and for a split second, listening to my sleepy music mix and watching him sleep, feeling him twitch in his dreams, and trying to see his freckles in the darkness, my eyes stung. i was smiling so hard that i felt a headache forming. and i just kept thinking about the things he said and things we did, and thinking, 'i'm so happy. i'm so HAPPY!'
i didn't cry, but it was close. and i didn't fight it because he was sleeping and wouldn't have seen.
at one point, maybe around three, i was still awake, listening to him breathe. and i moved a little to get my water, and leaned up on his elbow and kissed my back three times in three different places, and laid back down and started snoring tiny little breaths immediately.
even in his sleep, he is the sweetest boy.
and we woke up twice and went back to sleep three times, hitting snooze at least six times, which he'd warned me about.
and watching him get dressed for work from an upside down in bed and sideways flopped out position was a great way to wake up. i got ready after he left.
and didn't mind the hot sweaty drive to work that i didn't want to do, despite air conditioning in the car, blasting. i missed him immediately.
i drove thinking about how his day at work was going, knowing what he was up to. wondering what he was thinking about.
and i didn't mind work, spending the first two hours i was there helping sporadic customers, and cleaning up after cat's super messy morning. and when i finished that, and sat down to finish and send the email to quinn where i ripped her about sixteen new assholes, my stress level was negated by the good-feeling brain chemicals that flooded my head all day.
and when i hit send, i texted her to say that i sent her an email, and that we could discuss it tomorrow, if she wanted to.
and rewarded myself with ten minutes of uninterrupted email time, designed to put a smile on greg's face, and in turn, keep a smile on mine.
and that turned into forty minutes, because i couldn't think through the fog of heat and good feelings. but i did it, and sent it, and cleaned up to go home.
got a second shower and changed, to have final living-in-phila beer week beers with lauren, before she moves this weekend to new york.
and we caught up over the course of three beers, dinner, and dessert, because i was feeling just THAT decadent, and hadn't eaten a single thing all day.
and i spent a little time talking to her about him, because she only knew what i'd said before i met him, just through that original contact. and asked her, when she met her boyfriend, how quickly she knew that she was in love with him, and that he was the one for her.
and she said 'immediately'.
which makes me feel normal, and not crazy. it puts my mind at ease.
i'd talked to kenna also, at work, mostly about work. and she asked how things were going with my new boy. and i said how overwhelming it is to be on this side of the divorce and feeling this way when i was so cynical just a month ago.
and she said nearly the same thing. that she dated the town drunk stalker after she left her husband, and a couple other guys who were nice, but that, when she met her now-husband, she knew right away that he was different. and that he was the one for her.
yeah, it's scary. yeah, it's soon. but sometimes these things happen. it's happened to enough people that i know to feel like it might last, not fade like what i am so much more familiar with.
it's happening to me now. and i don't know why, and i certainly cannot explain it so well. but it's very real to me tonight. and i feel so much better about all of it, post-processing it, post-shrink, and post-hangout with him, and post-conversations with friends.
it's going to be a while before i can talk to him about it. we're continuing to do an incredible job of talking around it, and it is working. we're both getting what we need from it, feeding each other heaping spoonfuls of drippingly sweet compliments and affirmations.
i took a cold shower when i got home from beers out with lauren, i was so hot that my face was completely red, i felt woozy and sweaty and overheated. the shower was my third of the day, and it wasn't the jarringly cold variety.
there's a sensation that i love, taking a cold shower. when you just stand under the running water, and feel the hot water created when cold water meets the body heat center of your head. the water temperature is so varied, that you can feel the warmed water running down your back in a stream, while the cold water hits every other part of your body.
i love that feeling. i hate the heat it takes to get the sensation, but it gives me goosebumps every time.
and i got into pjs and went out to write, now back in bed.
i feel satisfied. i feel fantastic. i feel good. and i feel like this is just the beginning.
i'll take the cold showers. i'll take the waiting. i'll even take some nights of non-communication.
because i am finally starting to believe that we've got all the time in the world. he had to say it to me about ten times for me to believe it. but he won't stop saying it. we will do it all. everything that we talk about wanting to do.
on the phone the other night, he made plans with me. for next summer.
here's to hoping the negative cycle is over. i don't want to feel those feelings, and now i feel like i'm armed with tools that will keep me from feeling them.
i'm so glad to have my shrink. i'm so glad for my friends and family. and i hope i don't drive all of them crazy, talking about this boy... i'm glad for him, too.
i'll work on being okay with letting him have so much control over my happiness. i'll work on being regularly happy, and his influence being the icing on the cake, instead of the cake, the icing, and the bakery it's made in.
on the heels of yet another amazingly incredible 16 hours, i need more. i needed more within the first two hours of parting ways for work. it's fucking crazy. it's unacceptable. because the expectation will only lead to disappointment.
i'm less scared tonight, which i'll take. because the last two weeks for me have been not quite terrifying, but not quite not, either.
the shrink yesterday did help me. she gave me two tools to use when i start with the negative thinking.
one involves literally making a list of the reasons why the thought could be justified, and the other of why it's not. and said that when i write them out, i'll have an easier time believing what is most likely going on in his head, than feeding the fire of what is in my brain, trying to eradicate the goodness.
the other involves thinking that my own scenario is not mine, but a friend's. what i would say to make them feel better. and telling myself that instead of the negating thoughts.
time will tell. i felt so great all day today that i haven't had to use them yet. and i can rest assured that, over time, a few changes will occur.
i accidentally raised a red flag to her yesterday, when i said i didn't believe that i deserve this. that the guilt i'm harboring over ever and fear of karma breaking my heart the way i broke his are making me feel like it's my turn, cosmically, to have someone desert me and break my heart.
she stopped me. and said, 'what do you mean, you don't deserve this?' she said it in such a way that it made my brain stop running, momentarily.
and when it halted, i explained what i just wrote out.
and she said, 'don't you think that, instead, you deserve to feel these good feelings, and to have something that is both real and good, because of the years you spent with ever, being so much less than happy? don't you think that you deserve this because you took that time alone, and that you are finding it now because you are ready to?'
it's what kit and nina and aubree and lauren tell me. but coming from her, who has gotten to know the way my brain works this last year, gave it extra validity.
so i told myself, and her, that maybe i do deserve it. maybe this is karma in reverse. the universe throwing a starving dog a bone.
and yeah, it's been almost a month since this thing started. which is both unbelievable and mindblowing to me.
what's more is that i had the balls yesterday to send him an email, where i admitted that this past weekend was more heady than i'd have wanted it to be, worrying about how my email and letter were received by him, because i didn't hear from him. and said, in the next 'breath', that it's my issue, and fuck vulnerability.
and today sent him a nice email.
and if today was last week, i would have probably been a little upset and worried that he didn't respond to either, or comment on them.
but because this is this week, i didn't. he said so many things to me both last night and this morning that i could relax into it a little. and know that wherever he was when he read them, that he smiled. and loved it.
and though i did wish for a minute tonight for a call from my 'mental boyfriend', which is what i've taken to referring to him as, i wasn't stressed on it.
and came out to the deck, in the steamy disgusting soupy night, to write this out. because i have missed writing as much this week.
and it turns out he was paying attention. and despite the fact that it is my problem, he is sensitive to it.
because he sent a text goodnight, telling me he got my email today. and that he loved it. and that he'll talk to me soon.
maybe the secret to having a good relationship is having the connection and the intensity and the chemistry. but more than that, maybe it's sharing your weaknesses and vulnerability with someone, and having them show you that not only is it okay, but that they'll be sensitive to it.
i really didn't expect to hear anything from him tonight, and that would have been okay. though i will admit to checking my email frequently today, at this point in the evening, i wasn't looking for anything from him.
and he surprised me.
and it feels really fucking good.
because he does care.
the game last night was bittersweet. it was a horrible game. certainly would have been more fun and voice losing to have been a game where we won, or at least played like we were in the game.
but i was there with him, and it was awesome.
and after the game, we took a cab home, which is really not ideal at all. but he sprained his ankle at soccer on monday, and couldn't walk like we would normally.
and jesus christ, i am so glad that it was so dark out, because we had a potentially very awkward cab ride home. no one wanted to pick us up, because the house is so close to the stadium. so we got in, asking what the ideal fare is. and the cabbie said that someone from delaware or jersey could easily result in a $100 fare. which blew my mind completely.
but he took us. and after explaining cab issues and woes, asked, 'are you two married?'
holy FUCK i felt my whole head go hot. and we both said no at the same time, laughing. and he said, 'boyfriend and girlfriend?'
and we both laughed again, though i have to admit it was a little more uneasy the second time around. and both said no again, to which greg said, 'we're dating'. and he didn't hear, and asked a question that reflected that he just didn't get it. so i said, 'we're just dating.'
and greg clarified, 'this is only our fourth date.'
and the cabbie said something profound about relationships, and talked about his wife and kids, and i tuned out most of what he said, trying to bring my heart back to a normal rate of beating. something about being lucky, i think.
and as we pulled up to the house, after having back and forth hand squeezings the entire ride, he wished us luck in our relationship, saying that there are three people in the relationship, did we know who?
and said that it was the two of us, and god.
and i should have been more graceful, but felt comfortable enough saying, 'god? okay.'
and overtipped him for sparing us the torture of trying to unsuccessfully hail one of another fifty cabs and causing greg more pain walking than he'd already experienced.
and we went inside, and went to bed.
we were both pretty beery, and were both too exhausted to physically exert ourselves, but we made out for a couple hours. which sent me to the moon.
and i had a couple smokes after he fell asleep. and i couldn't sleep at all, out of happiness.
and for a split second, listening to my sleepy music mix and watching him sleep, feeling him twitch in his dreams, and trying to see his freckles in the darkness, my eyes stung. i was smiling so hard that i felt a headache forming. and i just kept thinking about the things he said and things we did, and thinking, 'i'm so happy. i'm so HAPPY!'
i didn't cry, but it was close. and i didn't fight it because he was sleeping and wouldn't have seen.
at one point, maybe around three, i was still awake, listening to him breathe. and i moved a little to get my water, and leaned up on his elbow and kissed my back three times in three different places, and laid back down and started snoring tiny little breaths immediately.
even in his sleep, he is the sweetest boy.
and we woke up twice and went back to sleep three times, hitting snooze at least six times, which he'd warned me about.
and watching him get dressed for work from an upside down in bed and sideways flopped out position was a great way to wake up. i got ready after he left.
and didn't mind the hot sweaty drive to work that i didn't want to do, despite air conditioning in the car, blasting. i missed him immediately.
i drove thinking about how his day at work was going, knowing what he was up to. wondering what he was thinking about.
and i didn't mind work, spending the first two hours i was there helping sporadic customers, and cleaning up after cat's super messy morning. and when i finished that, and sat down to finish and send the email to quinn where i ripped her about sixteen new assholes, my stress level was negated by the good-feeling brain chemicals that flooded my head all day.
and when i hit send, i texted her to say that i sent her an email, and that we could discuss it tomorrow, if she wanted to.
and rewarded myself with ten minutes of uninterrupted email time, designed to put a smile on greg's face, and in turn, keep a smile on mine.
and that turned into forty minutes, because i couldn't think through the fog of heat and good feelings. but i did it, and sent it, and cleaned up to go home.
got a second shower and changed, to have final living-in-phila beer week beers with lauren, before she moves this weekend to new york.
and we caught up over the course of three beers, dinner, and dessert, because i was feeling just THAT decadent, and hadn't eaten a single thing all day.
and i spent a little time talking to her about him, because she only knew what i'd said before i met him, just through that original contact. and asked her, when she met her boyfriend, how quickly she knew that she was in love with him, and that he was the one for her.
and she said 'immediately'.
which makes me feel normal, and not crazy. it puts my mind at ease.
i'd talked to kenna also, at work, mostly about work. and she asked how things were going with my new boy. and i said how overwhelming it is to be on this side of the divorce and feeling this way when i was so cynical just a month ago.
and she said nearly the same thing. that she dated the town drunk stalker after she left her husband, and a couple other guys who were nice, but that, when she met her now-husband, she knew right away that he was different. and that he was the one for her.
yeah, it's scary. yeah, it's soon. but sometimes these things happen. it's happened to enough people that i know to feel like it might last, not fade like what i am so much more familiar with.
it's happening to me now. and i don't know why, and i certainly cannot explain it so well. but it's very real to me tonight. and i feel so much better about all of it, post-processing it, post-shrink, and post-hangout with him, and post-conversations with friends.
it's going to be a while before i can talk to him about it. we're continuing to do an incredible job of talking around it, and it is working. we're both getting what we need from it, feeding each other heaping spoonfuls of drippingly sweet compliments and affirmations.
i took a cold shower when i got home from beers out with lauren, i was so hot that my face was completely red, i felt woozy and sweaty and overheated. the shower was my third of the day, and it wasn't the jarringly cold variety.
there's a sensation that i love, taking a cold shower. when you just stand under the running water, and feel the hot water created when cold water meets the body heat center of your head. the water temperature is so varied, that you can feel the warmed water running down your back in a stream, while the cold water hits every other part of your body.
i love that feeling. i hate the heat it takes to get the sensation, but it gives me goosebumps every time.
and i got into pjs and went out to write, now back in bed.
i feel satisfied. i feel fantastic. i feel good. and i feel like this is just the beginning.
i'll take the cold showers. i'll take the waiting. i'll even take some nights of non-communication.
because i am finally starting to believe that we've got all the time in the world. he had to say it to me about ten times for me to believe it. but he won't stop saying it. we will do it all. everything that we talk about wanting to do.
on the phone the other night, he made plans with me. for next summer.
here's to hoping the negative cycle is over. i don't want to feel those feelings, and now i feel like i'm armed with tools that will keep me from feeling them.
i'm so glad to have my shrink. i'm so glad for my friends and family. and i hope i don't drive all of them crazy, talking about this boy... i'm glad for him, too.
i'll work on being okay with letting him have so much control over my happiness. i'll work on being regularly happy, and his influence being the icing on the cake, instead of the cake, the icing, and the bakery it's made in.
recovery. june 6th.
seems a fitting title on ever's birthday.
i'm all about recovery today.
it started last night, when my phone rang. that pretty much fixed everything.
i got what i wanted: the call, a nice long talk, and reassurance about everything that i had been worrying about.
not only did he love the letter and the email i'd sent, he said it made him feel so much better. and then professed not once, but twice, that he has a huge crush on me. and i told him that it's not really a crush if it's mutual, but that i liked it anyway.
and then said aloud, 'smitten and enamored'. sweet, sweet boy. i asked him if he was trying to make me cry, and laughed. and he laughed and said no. it was pretty cute. something in his voice just gets me. and we don't talk for less than an hour, which feels very much like high school to me. we've had two and three hour conversations. and somehow we never run out of things to talk about after spending a day writing back and forth.
i feel pretty goddamn lucky to have wound up with him, as soon as it is in the game to say that.
and today, invited himself to stay over tomorrow, after he takes me to my first phils game of the season.
not only that, but double booked me this week, because last night, we talked about making some weekend plans that may or may not include a little jaunt to jersey to see a show together. two bands that we both really love, and an effort to recapture some college day youth.
and said that he really hated to leave on thursday, when he dropped me off, but had too much to do. and i told him i understood, and hated it, too. but that it can't all be amazing 24 and 48 hour hangouts.
so after that little conversation that fixed everything, i sat down and wrote myself a little letter. i tend to do that when i'm freaking out and want myself to stop. so i did. and it was a good letter, and i vowed to STOP the crazy, and just be happy to BE.
to let go of my insecurities. to trust him. and to get over my negative thinking.
i hope it sticks. because all that worrying for no good reason was such a waste. and all that being sad when there was no reason to be was stupid as well.
friday and today were actually a struggle at work. quinn is being a royal fucking pain in my ass, and i only wish she'd give me a reason to fire her.
but i'm doing my best to crowd her out of her store, by picking her new employees for her. strong women who will not put up with her power monger bullshit. the next couple months should effectively squeeze her out. one can only hope...
and tonight was fun, to make up for the bullshit i put up with today.
i had a couple beers out with mike, which were wickedly overpriced, and a seriously amazing burger and fries that cost as much as one beer. it was fun, counseling him on asking for a raise, and his job search. aubree and kit were supposed to join, but neither could make it, so it ended up just being the two of us.
and my friend ben has been living in liberia since october and just got back to the states today for a week long vacation, so i met up with him and made friends with a girl named jen that knows a lot of people i know through ever, and who i had fun talking to most of the time i was there.
and rode the city bus home, a little tipsy. and then greg called as i started writing this, to plan out tomorrow night.
i feel worlds better today. he sent me a spicy little email at work today, intentionally throwing a curve ball into my morning, which i loved. and which also made me cry for a minute. which is fine - i made it a whole week without bursting into tears at his words. i'll aim for another. and i wrote him back, matching, and felt pretty satisfied when i hit 'send'.
i really can't wait for tomorrow.
a shit time at work will be sandwiched between my shrink appointment in the morning, which will hopefully help me exponentially and put my mind at ease for a while. and then a meeting with quinn after fixing the problem she created, which i'm making her sit in on, so she can see for herself that she was both wrong and misinformed. and then leave from dealing with that to have a super fun night with greg, who's coming over from work to hang out for a while before going to the game.
awesome morning. stupid afternoon. amazing night. weeknight slumber party number one... too excited now to sleep.
i'm all about recovery today.
it started last night, when my phone rang. that pretty much fixed everything.
i got what i wanted: the call, a nice long talk, and reassurance about everything that i had been worrying about.
not only did he love the letter and the email i'd sent, he said it made him feel so much better. and then professed not once, but twice, that he has a huge crush on me. and i told him that it's not really a crush if it's mutual, but that i liked it anyway.
and then said aloud, 'smitten and enamored'. sweet, sweet boy. i asked him if he was trying to make me cry, and laughed. and he laughed and said no. it was pretty cute. something in his voice just gets me. and we don't talk for less than an hour, which feels very much like high school to me. we've had two and three hour conversations. and somehow we never run out of things to talk about after spending a day writing back and forth.
i feel pretty goddamn lucky to have wound up with him, as soon as it is in the game to say that.
and today, invited himself to stay over tomorrow, after he takes me to my first phils game of the season.
not only that, but double booked me this week, because last night, we talked about making some weekend plans that may or may not include a little jaunt to jersey to see a show together. two bands that we both really love, and an effort to recapture some college day youth.
and said that he really hated to leave on thursday, when he dropped me off, but had too much to do. and i told him i understood, and hated it, too. but that it can't all be amazing 24 and 48 hour hangouts.
so after that little conversation that fixed everything, i sat down and wrote myself a little letter. i tend to do that when i'm freaking out and want myself to stop. so i did. and it was a good letter, and i vowed to STOP the crazy, and just be happy to BE.
to let go of my insecurities. to trust him. and to get over my negative thinking.
i hope it sticks. because all that worrying for no good reason was such a waste. and all that being sad when there was no reason to be was stupid as well.
friday and today were actually a struggle at work. quinn is being a royal fucking pain in my ass, and i only wish she'd give me a reason to fire her.
but i'm doing my best to crowd her out of her store, by picking her new employees for her. strong women who will not put up with her power monger bullshit. the next couple months should effectively squeeze her out. one can only hope...
and tonight was fun, to make up for the bullshit i put up with today.
i had a couple beers out with mike, which were wickedly overpriced, and a seriously amazing burger and fries that cost as much as one beer. it was fun, counseling him on asking for a raise, and his job search. aubree and kit were supposed to join, but neither could make it, so it ended up just being the two of us.
and my friend ben has been living in liberia since october and just got back to the states today for a week long vacation, so i met up with him and made friends with a girl named jen that knows a lot of people i know through ever, and who i had fun talking to most of the time i was there.
and rode the city bus home, a little tipsy. and then greg called as i started writing this, to plan out tomorrow night.
i feel worlds better today. he sent me a spicy little email at work today, intentionally throwing a curve ball into my morning, which i loved. and which also made me cry for a minute. which is fine - i made it a whole week without bursting into tears at his words. i'll aim for another. and i wrote him back, matching, and felt pretty satisfied when i hit 'send'.
i really can't wait for tomorrow.
a shit time at work will be sandwiched between my shrink appointment in the morning, which will hopefully help me exponentially and put my mind at ease for a while. and then a meeting with quinn after fixing the problem she created, which i'm making her sit in on, so she can see for herself that she was both wrong and misinformed. and then leave from dealing with that to have a super fun night with greg, who's coming over from work to hang out for a while before going to the game.
awesome morning. stupid afternoon. amazing night. weeknight slumber party number one... too excited now to sleep.
the con. june 5th.
you know, i just found out in the last couple years that the con in 'con man' stood for confidence.
i have been struggling with confidence for the last few weeks.
i don't really know why. i was fantastic before that. maybe because i was getting enough in the way of compliments and encouragement sporadically to feel pretty good about myself. leave it to one boy to make me wonder if i'm good enough in all the ways that count.
and i cannot figure out what the hell is going on with me right now. but i feel pretty fucking shitty. maybe 36 hours now? of fighting tears, not the happy variety.
i think the beginning of it is figuring out that i'm back where i started, with that whole 'only-want-one-boy-to-notice-me' thing that used to puzzle and mystify kit when i first started thinking like a single person.
it is my own problem, too. the absence of interaction is having a terrible effect on me, even though i don't want it to. it sucks. well, it doesn't suck. i kinda suck.
because i cannot seem to fucking pull myself out of it.
i'm going to hope that in the next few days i have cramps, because it feels like untimely hormonal imbalances. i feel like it's too soon for pms, but it's a lot like that. i'm probably syncing up with aubree now. i am so susceptible to getting moved around by the women around me.
this weekend has been pretty great, too. which is fucking me up more, because i have NOTHING to be sad about!
friday, i got home from work at like 4, un-nailed the window to the roof on top of my bedroom, grabbed a pbr, and went with a towel and the sound dock. and i wrote in paper journal for over an hour, and then turned over and just relaxed in the sun, smiling up at it for over an hour. had some beer, ate some dinner, and camped out. it was really pretty amazing. i spent two and a half hours basking in the sun.
and then went to beer week kickoff with kit that night. which was also awesome. i mean, an exercise in patience, because the bar was retardedly crowded. but we were out in the festivities, which was fun. and we spent a long time out, and talking, which we needed.
i really enjoyed my time with her. and she busted out with this seed of brilliance, toward the end of the night when i was talking about greg.
so, when we're stuck in traffic, and there's a merge lane, one day she had yelled, 'BASKETWEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER!' it was the funniest shit at the time, and it's so fitting, so now it's a thing.
people here are just not the most considerate drivers, and the majority of the time, people will not let you in, in traffic.
but when i was telling her about my struggle to deal with being crazy about someone who is also crazy about me, but has very little time for me, she gave me the same nugget of wisdom:
'relax. he's going to make time for you in his crazy busy life. basketweave, motherfucker! it will happen, but it can't happen all at once.'
she's right. i know she is right. this is not a problem of what i think, for the most part. i mean, my brain and logic is totally fucked up in its own right. but it's how i'm feeling that i am not okay with, and that overwhelms me.
and i just checked, because i was worried... thankfully i made a shrink appointment for tuesday morning! what a relief. i need HELP.
is it that i'm so afraid of losing this that it makes me want to keep taking the pulse? is it that i'm so trained for heartbreak that i look for the tiny signs everywhere and just wait for it to happen?
you know, i feel like i keep pushing the envelope a little with things i say. and any sane person in their right mind would understand that i get enough of that back to not worry.
but all i do is worry.
i mean, the letter i sent. that was torturous for a few days, until he excitedly told me he got a letter from me. with an exclamation mark.
but since that email on friday? not a peep. and i'm trying to protect myself a little, because i know how it makes me feel to be the instigator, to be the one making contact. i feel like i'm forcing something, and i refuse to do that with him.
and i'm too afraid of what i'd be interrupting to do anything to make myself feel better by trying to get a response out of him. because he should be able to go away and not have me bothering him and checking in. even though it's not in a negative way.
i'm trying to be okay with the space, and i'm simultaneously trying to not tip him off to the fact that all i want is to be around him all the fucking time.
because i am so so afraid to lose it, like i always have at the first mention of that before.
i think part of my fear, too, is a lopsidedness. i'm so afraid of being so vulnerable. it's something i really honestly didn't see myself doing this soon.
and i'm so bad at pace. i'm so good at swimming and drowning in the wonderful feelings that happen in the beginning. and forgetting to come up for air.
i'm an addict. all i want is more, and it's breaking my spirit more than i want it to, to not get more.
and i think of myself as patient about fifty percent of the time. but NEVER in relationships. because i have always given the wrong people the benefit of the doubt. and this is the first person who fucking DESERVES the benefit of the doubt, and i can't seem to give it to him.
when he left the other night, and i asked him if he got home safe, i fell asleep before getting a text back that said he was home safely, two hours later.
and my brain did some pretty stupid shit in light of that the next morning and subsequent day. the thoughts are too embarrassing to even admit in this forum. and his email the next night fixed it, and i realized that all of that brain work was a total waste. it was all unnecessary torment i put on myself. if i was normal, i wouldn't be thinking like that. but i'm not, so i did.
and i realized that i need to STOP. but my brain just won't. it's like it can't. and i need to learn how to train my brain to be optimistic again. i need my shrink to give me some magical formula to retrain my brain to take different paths that i've never taken when i start to think like that. i need to grow and fix myself so that i can deal with this budding relationship and not fucking BLOW IT.
i spent so many years being an optimist before ever came along. i was too good at it. and the overcompensation on the other end, when i was being optimistic with him when i shouldn't have, and then went to the other end of the spectrum, where i knew nothing good could happen with him. and ran for my life.
and i've been a pessimist since. for the most part. not entirely, but too much of the time.
and if i could just realize that i should feel secure in this, my life would be so much better.
the problem with the awesome email is that he said he'd probably call and text all weekend. and if i could just breathe and relax into this, i wouldn't care too much that he didn't. but he gave me a set of expectations based on that. and i guess the reason it's fucking with me is that i was off the grid last weekend and went to great lengths to send him little notes that said i was thinking about him and he loved it. and he probably doesn't have my same set of insecurities, so it probably didn't do anything for him, like it would do for me to just hear a 'good morning. i miss you.'
but because i don't know what he thought about the letter, or when he will have a little more time for me this week, i cannot seem to stop being obsessed with getting some variety of feedback from him.
and then, once i do, and get all happy (which would have normally been followed with one of my infamous happy cries, which i haven't had in a week now), it will just be something else. something else i said that i don't know how it was taken, some other way to need some reassurance from him. to be sad for a day or three, until i get it.
and maybe this is all because i feel so crazy all the time, and need to know that this time it's different. this time i'm not as crazy, because at least i'm a variation of crazy that has some roots in reality. not AS crazy as i usually am. crazy in a good way, this time.
crazy for someone who is crazy for me, too.
yesterday was an amazing day for me as well.
i woke up at 1030 or so, and put on my bathing suit. and laid out in the sun literally all day. and wrote and thought and listened to music. and when the sun went away, i stayed out on the deck until i think 7. eight hours on my awesome deck. getting my first tan lines of the season.
i felt fantastic. until the thoughts kept creeping back in.
and i can fight them off slightly, in the sun.
but today i woke up sad, and the gloomy morning is making me fight tears. sad music is fitting, and what i want, and is making me fight them, too.
aubree, mike, and i went to see 'bridesmaids' last night. and i haven't laughed that hard at a movie in ages. through and through, from start to finish, in hysterics.
and i didn't cry when i thought i was going to, but cried only at the end.
and drove home feeling totally broken. and went to bed after a beer, feeling totally brokenhearted.
and woke up feeling unbelievably broken hearted.
checking my email in vain. checking my phone in vain.
which makes me feel obsessed and crazy even more. it's this cycle i loathe. and one that i'm having an impossible time escaping.
because i felt fine with being alone and independent before i met him. and now that i am in this thing without a name, i guess that it's putting me so far back into my own past that i question whether i've really changed at all. it's a constant struggle. and an inner battle that i always lose.
i told kim and pam that they make pills for this. they make pills that quiet your brain, so that things just roll off your back, and turn down the knob on the worrying.
but i don't want to take a pill to feel better. and i don't know if i can go on like this, because it just feels so wrong and bad.
will i ever relax into it? will i be able to fix myself enough to not need something from him that i can't expect him to give me? that he shouldn't have to give me? that it's unfair of me to expect of him?
i just feel so self conscious. not confident at all. and the very processes inside of me that are making me feel like this are the reason i know i'm not ready for a relationship. because i'm still broken inside, in ways that are only just now coming to light in the onset of this thing with him.
i want to be fixed. i want to be able to handle whatever comes my way with him. i don't want to rush it, because i know from multiple experiences that it doesn't work. it never works that way. and more than anything, i want him to be the only one. i don't want anything different with anyone else. and i don't want to want more from him than he is giving me right now, because i don't want to push him, much less push him away, for moving at a different pace than me.
i'm setting off for a shower. which might help, or inspire a cry. and then into the car to get aubree a bike. and to spend my donut groupon finally. luckily aubree is a really fun distraction, who makes me laugh and feel better about everything.
hopefully this distraction lasts until he beacons back to me. until i let his words make me happy for a bit.
i want to be happy on my own. i thought i was doing a pretty good job of it, until these past few weeks. i have got to find the balance in this, and i just don't know where to start.
it's impossible for me. luckily, i only have one more day until i can get some help with it. and i know it's silly to put so much weight on my shrink, but she's like the little light in the distance, giving me hope for making my way out of this messy situation.
my lighthouse.
all i want is to be away from the craggy shore, feeling relief that i escaped a near disaster, where i went down in some shipwreck before i even made it out into the bay.
all i want is to set off on an adventure. and it's like i only organized a skeleton crew to keep my boat afloat. and immediately after setting out, realized that i have one tenth of the crew that i need, and that i'm totally and completely ill equipped to deal with any of what i'm about to endure.
i just want to survive it. and at the end of the day, sail off into the sunset feeling good, smiling. and hopefully holding the hand of a boy who signed up for the adventure.
here's to continuing to try to not fuck it all up.
i'm smashing a figurative bottle of champagne on the bow for good luck, in hopes of safe travels. a christening, for a boat that is brand new and exciting and scary all at the same time.
it's deserving of a celebration. and all i can do is worry about the only face i want to see in the crowd, making his way to me...
i have been struggling with confidence for the last few weeks.
i don't really know why. i was fantastic before that. maybe because i was getting enough in the way of compliments and encouragement sporadically to feel pretty good about myself. leave it to one boy to make me wonder if i'm good enough in all the ways that count.
and i cannot figure out what the hell is going on with me right now. but i feel pretty fucking shitty. maybe 36 hours now? of fighting tears, not the happy variety.
i think the beginning of it is figuring out that i'm back where i started, with that whole 'only-want-one-boy-to-notice-me' thing that used to puzzle and mystify kit when i first started thinking like a single person.
it is my own problem, too. the absence of interaction is having a terrible effect on me, even though i don't want it to. it sucks. well, it doesn't suck. i kinda suck.
because i cannot seem to fucking pull myself out of it.
i'm going to hope that in the next few days i have cramps, because it feels like untimely hormonal imbalances. i feel like it's too soon for pms, but it's a lot like that. i'm probably syncing up with aubree now. i am so susceptible to getting moved around by the women around me.
this weekend has been pretty great, too. which is fucking me up more, because i have NOTHING to be sad about!
friday, i got home from work at like 4, un-nailed the window to the roof on top of my bedroom, grabbed a pbr, and went with a towel and the sound dock. and i wrote in paper journal for over an hour, and then turned over and just relaxed in the sun, smiling up at it for over an hour. had some beer, ate some dinner, and camped out. it was really pretty amazing. i spent two and a half hours basking in the sun.
and then went to beer week kickoff with kit that night. which was also awesome. i mean, an exercise in patience, because the bar was retardedly crowded. but we were out in the festivities, which was fun. and we spent a long time out, and talking, which we needed.
i really enjoyed my time with her. and she busted out with this seed of brilliance, toward the end of the night when i was talking about greg.
so, when we're stuck in traffic, and there's a merge lane, one day she had yelled, 'BASKETWEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER!' it was the funniest shit at the time, and it's so fitting, so now it's a thing.
people here are just not the most considerate drivers, and the majority of the time, people will not let you in, in traffic.
but when i was telling her about my struggle to deal with being crazy about someone who is also crazy about me, but has very little time for me, she gave me the same nugget of wisdom:
'relax. he's going to make time for you in his crazy busy life. basketweave, motherfucker! it will happen, but it can't happen all at once.'
she's right. i know she is right. this is not a problem of what i think, for the most part. i mean, my brain and logic is totally fucked up in its own right. but it's how i'm feeling that i am not okay with, and that overwhelms me.
and i just checked, because i was worried... thankfully i made a shrink appointment for tuesday morning! what a relief. i need HELP.
is it that i'm so afraid of losing this that it makes me want to keep taking the pulse? is it that i'm so trained for heartbreak that i look for the tiny signs everywhere and just wait for it to happen?
you know, i feel like i keep pushing the envelope a little with things i say. and any sane person in their right mind would understand that i get enough of that back to not worry.
but all i do is worry.
i mean, the letter i sent. that was torturous for a few days, until he excitedly told me he got a letter from me. with an exclamation mark.
but since that email on friday? not a peep. and i'm trying to protect myself a little, because i know how it makes me feel to be the instigator, to be the one making contact. i feel like i'm forcing something, and i refuse to do that with him.
and i'm too afraid of what i'd be interrupting to do anything to make myself feel better by trying to get a response out of him. because he should be able to go away and not have me bothering him and checking in. even though it's not in a negative way.
i'm trying to be okay with the space, and i'm simultaneously trying to not tip him off to the fact that all i want is to be around him all the fucking time.
because i am so so afraid to lose it, like i always have at the first mention of that before.
i think part of my fear, too, is a lopsidedness. i'm so afraid of being so vulnerable. it's something i really honestly didn't see myself doing this soon.
and i'm so bad at pace. i'm so good at swimming and drowning in the wonderful feelings that happen in the beginning. and forgetting to come up for air.
i'm an addict. all i want is more, and it's breaking my spirit more than i want it to, to not get more.
and i think of myself as patient about fifty percent of the time. but NEVER in relationships. because i have always given the wrong people the benefit of the doubt. and this is the first person who fucking DESERVES the benefit of the doubt, and i can't seem to give it to him.
when he left the other night, and i asked him if he got home safe, i fell asleep before getting a text back that said he was home safely, two hours later.
and my brain did some pretty stupid shit in light of that the next morning and subsequent day. the thoughts are too embarrassing to even admit in this forum. and his email the next night fixed it, and i realized that all of that brain work was a total waste. it was all unnecessary torment i put on myself. if i was normal, i wouldn't be thinking like that. but i'm not, so i did.
and i realized that i need to STOP. but my brain just won't. it's like it can't. and i need to learn how to train my brain to be optimistic again. i need my shrink to give me some magical formula to retrain my brain to take different paths that i've never taken when i start to think like that. i need to grow and fix myself so that i can deal with this budding relationship and not fucking BLOW IT.
i spent so many years being an optimist before ever came along. i was too good at it. and the overcompensation on the other end, when i was being optimistic with him when i shouldn't have, and then went to the other end of the spectrum, where i knew nothing good could happen with him. and ran for my life.
and i've been a pessimist since. for the most part. not entirely, but too much of the time.
and if i could just realize that i should feel secure in this, my life would be so much better.
the problem with the awesome email is that he said he'd probably call and text all weekend. and if i could just breathe and relax into this, i wouldn't care too much that he didn't. but he gave me a set of expectations based on that. and i guess the reason it's fucking with me is that i was off the grid last weekend and went to great lengths to send him little notes that said i was thinking about him and he loved it. and he probably doesn't have my same set of insecurities, so it probably didn't do anything for him, like it would do for me to just hear a 'good morning. i miss you.'
but because i don't know what he thought about the letter, or when he will have a little more time for me this week, i cannot seem to stop being obsessed with getting some variety of feedback from him.
and then, once i do, and get all happy (which would have normally been followed with one of my infamous happy cries, which i haven't had in a week now), it will just be something else. something else i said that i don't know how it was taken, some other way to need some reassurance from him. to be sad for a day or three, until i get it.
and maybe this is all because i feel so crazy all the time, and need to know that this time it's different. this time i'm not as crazy, because at least i'm a variation of crazy that has some roots in reality. not AS crazy as i usually am. crazy in a good way, this time.
crazy for someone who is crazy for me, too.
yesterday was an amazing day for me as well.
i woke up at 1030 or so, and put on my bathing suit. and laid out in the sun literally all day. and wrote and thought and listened to music. and when the sun went away, i stayed out on the deck until i think 7. eight hours on my awesome deck. getting my first tan lines of the season.
i felt fantastic. until the thoughts kept creeping back in.
and i can fight them off slightly, in the sun.
but today i woke up sad, and the gloomy morning is making me fight tears. sad music is fitting, and what i want, and is making me fight them, too.
aubree, mike, and i went to see 'bridesmaids' last night. and i haven't laughed that hard at a movie in ages. through and through, from start to finish, in hysterics.
and i didn't cry when i thought i was going to, but cried only at the end.
and drove home feeling totally broken. and went to bed after a beer, feeling totally brokenhearted.
and woke up feeling unbelievably broken hearted.
checking my email in vain. checking my phone in vain.
which makes me feel obsessed and crazy even more. it's this cycle i loathe. and one that i'm having an impossible time escaping.
because i felt fine with being alone and independent before i met him. and now that i am in this thing without a name, i guess that it's putting me so far back into my own past that i question whether i've really changed at all. it's a constant struggle. and an inner battle that i always lose.
i told kim and pam that they make pills for this. they make pills that quiet your brain, so that things just roll off your back, and turn down the knob on the worrying.
but i don't want to take a pill to feel better. and i don't know if i can go on like this, because it just feels so wrong and bad.
will i ever relax into it? will i be able to fix myself enough to not need something from him that i can't expect him to give me? that he shouldn't have to give me? that it's unfair of me to expect of him?
i just feel so self conscious. not confident at all. and the very processes inside of me that are making me feel like this are the reason i know i'm not ready for a relationship. because i'm still broken inside, in ways that are only just now coming to light in the onset of this thing with him.
i want to be fixed. i want to be able to handle whatever comes my way with him. i don't want to rush it, because i know from multiple experiences that it doesn't work. it never works that way. and more than anything, i want him to be the only one. i don't want anything different with anyone else. and i don't want to want more from him than he is giving me right now, because i don't want to push him, much less push him away, for moving at a different pace than me.
i'm setting off for a shower. which might help, or inspire a cry. and then into the car to get aubree a bike. and to spend my donut groupon finally. luckily aubree is a really fun distraction, who makes me laugh and feel better about everything.
hopefully this distraction lasts until he beacons back to me. until i let his words make me happy for a bit.
i want to be happy on my own. i thought i was doing a pretty good job of it, until these past few weeks. i have got to find the balance in this, and i just don't know where to start.
it's impossible for me. luckily, i only have one more day until i can get some help with it. and i know it's silly to put so much weight on my shrink, but she's like the little light in the distance, giving me hope for making my way out of this messy situation.
my lighthouse.
all i want is to be away from the craggy shore, feeling relief that i escaped a near disaster, where i went down in some shipwreck before i even made it out into the bay.
all i want is to set off on an adventure. and it's like i only organized a skeleton crew to keep my boat afloat. and immediately after setting out, realized that i have one tenth of the crew that i need, and that i'm totally and completely ill equipped to deal with any of what i'm about to endure.
i just want to survive it. and at the end of the day, sail off into the sunset feeling good, smiling. and hopefully holding the hand of a boy who signed up for the adventure.
here's to continuing to try to not fuck it all up.
i'm smashing a figurative bottle of champagne on the bow for good luck, in hopes of safe travels. a christening, for a boat that is brand new and exciting and scary all at the same time.
it's deserving of a celebration. and all i can do is worry about the only face i want to see in the crowd, making his way to me...
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