chalk outlines of bodies on mine. july 7th part 2.

as per the usual, i didn't know which key opened the front door. the dogs started barking when i tried the key that didn't fit.

mom let us in, woken from a nap on the couch. i introduced her to chalk and she passed back out on the couch after asking how it went. i just told her that 'it went'.

nina and i got into bikinis, and went out back, poolside.

i left the bathroom door open so we didn't disturb mom, and could use that door to go in and out.

chalk didn't realize i'd left it open, in fact, he didn't realize that it led to the pool. so he started peeing, and i walked in on him. i said, 'oh!' and shut the door. we joked with the door cracked about how funny it was that i thought he was right behind me, and how he didn't realize there was a door there, much less an open door there.

so we all sat and talked, cracked fourth beers in the back yard, after the drive from the bar.

and i don't know what we talked about now, but nina talked about herself, and he talked about himself. and i spent my time talking about how long it had been since i had sex (five months) and how long it had been since i had good sex, the kind that gets you off (six years).

and he said that it was wrong, depressing, not right, etc.

and nina said, 'i think i hear my mom calling. yep, that's my phone.' and made a motion like she was going to get up to answer it. and they both laughed. and my dumbass didn't get what she was saying.

call me naive. i have now told this little blurb to the writer, mostly women other than that. and i have never said it in an effort to get attention or sexual attention. it was always just me talking openly about what i'm missing out on.

it's embarrassing, not endearing. and i need to vent the frustration and anger. but nina could see that chalk was entirely interested in ending the drought, despite the fact that i was completely oblivious.

and i said something else, later, and she said the same line about her phone ringing again.

we went for a swim, and chalk was naked, which i didn't realize until two thirds of the way through the swim.

i choked on my beer when nina made me laugh and thought for a second that i was going to die.

in the pool, over that beer that almost killed me, i started to want contact with chalk.

it wasn't that i wanted him specifically. it was that there was a boy in my parents pool, swimming around near me. and i wanted to wrap my legs around him and swim near him. or just let my slippery feet slide across his belly or something.

i can't explain it. it wasn't him. it was just the boy in the pool.

and then more time passed, and it was late, and she was tired. so she went to bed. and probably told us to have fun. or something like that.

and somehow, despite her knowing exactly what was going to happen the second she left the two of us alone, imagine my shock when he hugged me and pulled away to kiss me passionately.

he totally went for it. and despite the daze from coffee, and despite the daze from some boy grabbing me and holding me and KISSING me, i kissed him back.

he caught me off guard. but instead of freaking out, or mumbling incoherent words, or pushing him off, i just kissed him back.

and i thought, 'wow. this isn't how i remember it' about his kissing style. he was slightly sloppy. and all i could think in those first few minutes was about how all i wanted was this exact night, only with coffee.

i felt bad for kissing him back. i felt guilty. because the scenes from the bar with coffee were looping in my mind. and i wasn't thinking at all about the boy who was kissing me. i was thinking about who i wanted to be sharing it with instead.

and i said something about being afraid that i had forgotten how to kiss.

the thing about chalk is this. he's very good. he's known for being good at sex. and overtly sexual. he's known for being unshy. and his nickname is half his first name, and the other half 'penis'. because it goes nearly to his knees. also, he's very complimentary.

and i was very vulnerable. and i didn't even care that he was cashing in on it. it had been obvious to nina. but not to me. and when i figured it out was around the time he undid my bikini top and threw it on the ground.

this is nearly soft porn. sorry.

i didn't care. because about halfway through, everything just felt really good. the passion and intensity with which he grabbed at me and held me against him was a welcome change from everything lackluster my life had been for the last seven years.

and i was really surprised at how little qualms i had with the fact that i wasn't in love with this boy, who was trying to seduce me.

i thought about it. mostly, i thought that i didn't know if i was strong enough to turn down sex for the sake of good sex.

i thought about who he would tell. who would find out.

i thought about what it would mean to me, leaving the next day.

i thought about coffee.

and repeatedly grabbed his wandering hands, putting them in places that weren't under bathing suit bottoms. anywhere but where his hands were wandering.

oh, he begged. he begged me to let him fix all that wrongdoing. he begged me to just let him treat me right.

he's a smooth dude.

he almost got his way.

but in the end, i didn't have sex with him. i didn't have sex on the lounge chair, poolside under the stars. i thought about how fantasy it was. how i couldn't have written it more sensually.

standing at a point, hugging, taking a break from kissing, topless in a wet towel, shivering. where my mother could have easily seen if she was awake.

it kept me in check. knowing that my mother could wake up at any given second and catch me in the act was probably the thing that kept my bottoms on.

he quivered. from the first second he kissed me, he was shaking. and later, when i was trailing my fingers along his arms and legs and chest, he shook even harder.

and it reminded me of say anything, which i only just recently saw for the first time. when they are in the back seat of his car, and ione comments on his trembling.

and he can't control it.

it was exactly like that. which made it all the more endearing.

there are about two hours' worth of details that i won't bore you with. but he kept telling me that i am perfect and beautiful. and did i want him to stay the night.

and i kept telling him that i can't and he can't and i can't.

and apologizing. for frustrating him. that i didn't intend to be a tease. that from minute one, i told him i couldn't have sex with him.

and there was heavy conversation, and just time staring at stars cuddling. it wasn't all kissing.

the stuff in between is what i was left thinking about after he went home.

because i realized that he is a real person. he has feelings, too. he's heartbroken, too. it's been a long time for him, too. and he hates being alone, too. hates sleeping alone. misses having someone to be with and share a bed with.

and though those things weren't how i was feeling at the time, they have been versions of me, these last few months.

and that was when i decided that it wasn't the time to make the decision to have sex right then and there.

but that i could now see the value of a fuck buddy.

i could have sex with him. and he said it himself. i'm not going to fall in love with him, and he's not going to marry me. but we could have really good sex.

and for the first time in my life, i wanted to have sex with someone that i had no romantic or emotional feelings for in that way.

i didn't. but if i had? i wouldn't have regretted it. and i wouldn't have spent the whole next day thinking about him nonstop. the sex? probably. i'm sure it would have been epic. but not being smitten with him.

he's not my type at all. i'd never pick him out of a crowd and decide that he was the boy for me.

but the fact that he was my friend as long ago as coffee was helped the cause.

and if i hadn't been leaving in the morning, i'm sure he would have demanded to see me the next night. and i bet i would have caved and had sex with him. because when he left that night, i was sex crazed.

i'd gone to the edge of the cliff with him. and looked over. and i wanted to jump. he had me ready to jump.

but in the end, i chickened out. and walked around frustrated for days, instead of letting him fix it in under thirty seconds flat. i bet it would have been the fastest sex of my life.


i need to wrap this up.

the bottom line is, he has been all up in my fb. and messaging nina about bringing me back to florida and about how he's got a big crush on me now.

and that fact alone might keep me from ever putting him on my buddy list. because i don't have a crush on him. and that makes it seem unfair.

but i also know that he wouldn't think it unfair at all.

he's willing and able.

and he wants to spend some time with me when i go home at christmas.

and depending on what happens between now and then?

i might just let him.

decaf coffee. july 7th.

(so i wrote this at kit's, forgetting i'd already written out the original night of coffee talk. i left all of this out of that post, so i decided to leave it here. just understand that it's flash back, then flash forward...)

so, i did it. i spent the day running around town, and surrounding burbs, piecing together the perfect outfit.

i hadn't eaten the first three days i was home, due to nerves and anticipation of finally asking this boy the question.


non-date night.

thing was, i had lost about fifteen pounds before going home, thanks to st. atkins. and when the night was finally there, i had it:

black bustier. skinny jeans. sexy underthings. new black flats. and the last minute shrug that aubree helped me find at the last possible minute.

he called me while we were paying for the shrug. aubree stayed inside while i listened to the message and played it for her, and i walked outside to call him back.

mom had helped me find the bustier. mom and aubree helped me into and out of things in the store, looking for that perfect top that i just had to wear. one was impossible to get into and out of. one was sheer in the belly. one dress was entirely too short. but the bustier? like a glove.

i already had the jeans. we left from the guess store to find the shrug, but had no luck whatsoever.

went to three more stores, without luck.

found some really cute stuff in the fourth store, but everything had crocheted components. i guess it's 'in' right now, but i'm really not a fan.

the sales girl told aubree that she'd just gotten a shipment in that day, and came out carrying a little short sleeved shrug in gray, that was exactly what i wanted.

so i was feeling good. i knew what to wear.

and i'd killed enough time running around with the two of them that i didn't have time to think and worry and become increasingly nervous.

he called to say he was confused as to whether i was in town and whether we had concrete plans that night or not. but told me to let him know.

i did.

and he sounded happy and excited. and i sounded nervous, i'm sure.

but it was solid. and we agreed to meet at the time and place we'd planned originally.

i had only left myself about fifteen minutes to get showered and put together, which had seemed like a good idea at the time. but i hate being late, i am always early, and i cut it too close.

i got ready in record time, left about fifteen minutes later than i wanted. i knew i looked my personal best. i was skinnier than i'd been since high school, which made mom worry, but made me feel pretty proud of myself.

and i knew that, if he didn't love me in this particular ensemble, he never would.

i told myself a million times that it was not a date. that it was a non-date. somehow time and place and date specific, but not a date. i told myself that he had a girlfriend, or that he was gay, or that he just didn't give a shit.

but when i got into my sister's car, that all went away. i got really excited and completely sick inside. and i drove.

i didn't know specifically where i was going, but got directions from my sister, and took off.

three minutes in, i was stuck in dead stopped traffic. it was already the time i was supposed to be there, and i was a good twenty minutes away, without traffic.

so i texted him that i was stuck and sorry. there was an accident that blocked a major intersection. no one was getting by. it was torturous.

i really didn't intend to make him wait for me. i wanted every single minute he'd set aside for me, and at that point i didn't know how long i'd have him.

in setting up the non-date, i'd said that we should place a friendly wager on the outcome. my intentions were to not only FINALLY kiss him, but to kidnap him if i won. make him come with me, to my parents' pool for a starlight swim. i'd thrown my camera and my copy of heima and contact lens case in the back seat, because putting it in my purse would have been too presumptuous, and i didn't want to get my hopes up.

but i still did.

i intended to go home with him. listen to music and pillowtalk and stay the night.

mom had done the funniest thing of my life ever, handing me four condoms and warming lube just before i got ready.

for my mother to have these two things was hilarious in itself. we had a good laugh at her expense when we realized the condoms had expired back in 2004, and that they might not work. i didn't take them, but the gesture was not underappreciated.

i told her that, despite how i was dressed, i had no intentions of having sex with him. because i didn't. though i had thought about it at length to that point. at night, when i couldn't sleep.

i finally made it there. and said something to myself aloud. i'd played thao the whole way there, singing at the top of my lungs and smoking too many cigarettes, forgetting that thao and cigarettes only make my heart beat faster.

i took a deep breath. and i got out of the car. and probably said, 'here goes nothing'.

and when i walked in, he was at the bar with his ipad, talking to the bartender. a boy named chuck who fell in love with me the moment we met.

and if only coffee had looked at me with those eyes.

he stood up and hugged me.

i just realized that i am telling the story of that first night. clam jam.

back to the day at hand.

the eighth of july.

so by this point, no one thought i'd actually follow through. and luckily nina was there or i would have chickened out for the fourth time.

out to dinner with nina's family and kids, we were 45 minutes late to our own party. i was kindof embarrassed, but tried not to give her too much shit.

but we got there, and our old friends had already been catching up.

i wore the new party dress i'd bought. it was so hot outside, i was sweating into the tulle immediately. the drive was uncomfortable. but, again, i looked my best, and that was what mattered.

coffee wasn't there. and i was trying not to be concerned. and i succeeded in not texting him regarding his whereabouts. we all caught up over beers and had too many laughs.

my old friend, chalk, was there. he'd been flirting with me via facebook messages for days. about how he was going to beat me shamelessly at scrabble, which would in turn make me throw myself into his waiting arms. there were mentions of torn dresses and stains and other sexual innuendos as well, which i consistently said 'oh, stooooop.' in that flirty i-don't-really-want-you-to-stop kindof a way.

so we all talked and eventually sat down, and started to play bananagrams.

and there was a minute when someone challenged a word i'd made, so i went inside in search of a scrabble dictionary to clear my name.

and in i walk, and i find the bartender who finds it for me, and as he handed it to me, i looked up. coffee was standing in front of me.

there was probably a hello on each side. and i am already only half remembering things he said.

but he followed me outside, and i think i said something like, 'look who i found'.

and the dictionary proved that i'd in fact made up an illegitimate word. so my point was taken back from me, and then conversation started.

we had to teach coffee how to play. and i was obsessing about pieces that were falling into the cracks in the deck below the picnic table the six of us were sitting around.

i was trading one obsession for another. and i am left to believe that the tiles under the deck probably spelled out 'unrequieted', or 'numb'. but not both.

so we sat and played. and nina said something to our friend y about going inside. and i shook my head at her, quieting her desire to pull the four away from the table so that coffee and i might be left alone.

it was too soon. he'd only just arrived.

i gave him a tutorial, leaning too close and trying to let the way i smelled waft into his sensory bubble.

i tried not to take it the wrong way that he sat between brownies and chalk, instead of next to me.

he probably sensed the thing which simmered beneath the surface of my skin. i'm sure there were chemicals being released that would tip him off.

so we played and he agreed that it was a great scrabble warmup game, and asked where one might purchase it.

i'd have bought it for him and mailed it to him, if it wasn't so fucking remniscent of my past behaviors which scared him off the first time around.

so things went on. and then nina pulled y inside. brownies went to the ladies room, and chalk didn't take the hint. so nina sent brownies out for him.

and then it was just me. and coffee. and it was so obvious that i had to say something.

so i took a sick deep breath, and i did.

i told him that i was sorry. that it was obvious, and that the mass exodus was intentional, because i wanted to talk to him. and we divvied up tiles for a two person game, in an effort to make it easier on the two of us.

and i just said that i had wanted to talk to him that first night, that i was trying to talk to him when his girlfriend showed up. that i didn't want to make either of them uncomfortable, so i had left it where it was. but that i had something to say.

i couldn't look at him. just like night one. i stared at my tiles, and every couple seconds said, 'peel'. i was killing him. and he was laughing and saying things like shit and fuck and oh no as he drew tiles and fell further behind.

and i said that i was getting into it when i was talking to him about closure. that something funny happens when you're going through a divorce. that you think of relationships that ended, and ones that never started. and that he confused the shit out of me.

and i didn't gauge his reaction, because i just kept talking. and staring at my tiles, but smiling, i hope.

i said, 'i spent many nights in your bed, coffee.'

to which he said, 'i know.'

and i said, 'i just can't figure out why you never kissed me. why didn't you kiss me, coffee?'

and he kinda laughed, and said, 'we did. didn't we?'

and i said, 'no.'

and he said, 'are you sure? i really thought we did.'

and i said, 'i write everything down. trust me. you never kissed me.'

and after that, it was all 'uh's and 'um's and 'ah's.

no word that would work in scrabble. just sounds of confusion and the feeling of being completely and entirely caught off guard.

i didn't expect it. he certainly didn't expect it.

and though i didn't want to feed him options or excuses, i couldn't ask any follow up questions either.

he said that it was hard to talk and play at the same time. and i finished my board, and said that i knew.

and then his phone rang. the girl has a sixth sense for my conversations, apparently. he told me it was her, and got up to talk to her on the phone. he didn't walk far, but paced, and i caught pieces of the conversation. something about how she was going home after work, and he'd be home around midnight. that he didn't feel like doing anything that night.

it was technically his birthday, at midnight. i assume she was trying to drag him out to celebrate. but he wasn't up for it.

and then everyone came back out. it had been fifteen minutes or so of us being alone, interrupted by his gf.

and then they were back. and everyone was looking expectantly at me. but he was right there, on the phone. and i just kept saying 'later'. and probably, 'it's done'.

and also, 'thank you' to nina.

so everyone knew what had happened, only they didn't know what had actually happened.

which was a huge pile of mumbling nothingness.

and he got off the phone and came back. and the thing was, i felt like my conversation with him had sucked all the energy out of the group. that nothing was the same fun it had been before the mass exodus.

and it made me really sad. everything was so fun until i did it.

and until he said nothing to make me feel like all that thinking for thirteen years had been justified.

and then it was almost midnight and it was last call for this particular bar.

we only talked after that. no one played words or anything. we just sat around. they were closing, we were the only people there, besides two lone people inside at the bar.

so we went in to close our tabs.

and then it was midnight. and nina started singing the tmbg birthday song to coffee. chalk and i joined in. and everyone in the bar, all ten or so of us, stared at coffee, while he beamed a birthday boy smile.

and when the song ended, i said, 'happy birthday, coffee.' because i wanted, sickly, to be the first person to officially tell him happy birthday.

and he smiled and thanked us. and started saying goodbye to everyone.

i grabbed a cigarette and my purse in an effort to walk him to his car. i wanted to smooth it out. apologize if i made him uncomfortable. tell him that i hope it wouldn't change his willingness to be my friend and the biggest advocate of my moving home.

but he spun on his heel, as he is such an expert at doing, and bailed quickly out the door. leaving me standing there. shocked and overly prepared for absolutely nothing.

and maybe no one noticed. but i was stunned. robbed. yet again.

coffee did what he does. he took all the confessions and knowlege. and he gave nothing back to me. absolutely fucking NOTHING. not one coherent word. not one word that acknowleged what i'd said. not an 'i didn't because'. or an 'i wanted to.' or 'i've thought about it, too.'

not. one. thing.

and that was it.

as far as he was concerned.

what happened next is one for the books.

chalk asked what we were doing. i'd invited everyone back for a midnight swim.

he was the only one to actually take me up on it.

he followed nina and i home.

my sister and kit had been blowing up her phone all night for the details of the coffee talk.

she had messaged kit that it was done and that he thought we'd kissed and said nothing else. and called my sister. repeating the story i'd just told before pulling out of the parking lot.

i was driving. but i was completely dazed. i'd had a beer too many. i didn't want to have to drive, not because i was too drunk to. but because i was so out of it, from the buildup and release and lack of response.

and i drove and listened to her telling aubree the story. completely numb. i couldn't get over it. i wasn't crying. i expected to be heartbroken. i wasn't. i felt NOTHING.

and it was a shock.

he'd somehow come up with an answer i hadn't even thought of. or prepared myself for.

the only thing that made me feel better was that he thought he'd kissed me on one of those summer/fall nights, and was still hanging out with me, despite that combined with having a live-in girlfriend.

but hearing my own story told while i was driving just blew my mind.

it was like experiencing my life in the third person. because there was no feeling inside of me to make it first person.

and i drove past the woodlands, where my ghost died. and that felt real for a second. but not even that could bring tears. i'd blown him a kiss across the passenger seat when i had passed it earlier in my vacation, driving alone.

i don't know. somehow i didn't let a car get between chalk's car and ours. and made it home without crashing, despite the daze.

and nina got off the phone.

we pulled up in front of her parents' house to get her suitcase for our flight the next day.

chalk and i talked in the driveway, smoking, about relationships and writing. i asked what he'd been doing for work, and with girls, and for fun.

nina and her mom came out with her bags in tow, and we drove to my place.

this is where i'll split off.

because up until this point, i felt nothing. but immediately after this, i felt something. i felt something that felt really good. and i felt something that i didn't know that i was capable of feeling. and it kinda broke me. and now i am not the same.

and maybe it was coffee's fault. maybe he set me up for this. maybe my disappointment was only hiding beneath the numbness.

but what happened next was the opposite. it was intense. it was good. it was fun.

all of the things that coffee's response was not.

tattooesday. july 6th.

i want to document the whole trip. the fact that i haven't posted in eleven days is a bit overwhelming.

independence day was really fun, for the most part, but it started out rough and ended rough.

and it ended with kit going to the airport which was less than awesome, because i think we both wish she'd been able to stay longer.

aside from that, i didn't see fireworks. i called nina to tell her about drunken escapades, and stayed up late, probably playing scrabble with friends.

and talking to aubree.

the next day, everything changed. it's not mine to tell, but our family dynamic was turned on its head.

and i spent most of the day bouncing between mom and aubree, trying to mediate.

luckily, we were slated to go to my sister's apartment, two hours from my parents' house.

so we did.

and the drive there, i don't know how it came up, was about my sex life. from the dawn of it, to the present lack thereof.

and i'd never had a conversation like that with my sister, let alone anyone else before recent history.

we laughed, and listened to music. she asked me questions and i answered. she talked some, but not much. mostly she listened.

when we got close, she called her friend adam to have him meet up with us.

because dinner with mom and dad ran late, we left very late. it was probably mom's way to keep us from going out once we got there. it worked.

we drank beer instead, and smoked hookah. i'm really not a fan. fruit and mint are not my thing. and despite the fact that i chew gum while i smoke, smoking mint flavored tobacco also makes me queasy. so i didn't smoke too much, though the sensation was nice.

we had a mini dance party, and talked until four am. we walked to the pizza place, laughing the whole time.

adam is awesome. he's funny and crazy, and loud, but not in an obnoxious way. he does whatever he feels like doing at that exact moment. there was a hilarious story about my sister getting the answers to a bunch of exercises, so they would have a better idea of what to focus on. and in front of an auditorium of five hundred students who were filing out, he dropped to his knees at her feet, screaming, 'praise jesus, hallelujah.' very dramatically. to hear him say it makes it even funnier. he indulged me with a re-enactment.

i love him.

so we had sensational pizza, and went to bed around four.

woke up for tattoo day.

she took me on her scooter.

it was incredible.

the feeling of the wind rushing into my nose and being forced down my throat was new and different, and it felt very free. like a bicycle, only faster.

i was jumpy, i guess because i am not familiar. but she got me safely to a coffee house that i'd probably hang out at, if i lived there. and then to the tattoo parlor.

there's a reason why they do consults. they do consults so that you have time to go over the artwork with the artist, to make sure that your image is well thought out.

she skipped the consult, and we showed up with our art. and sure enough, the artwork for sister tattooes was not going to work.

however, my artwork for my ribs and fingerprint did.

so he started on me while aubree tried to figure out the best way to proceed.

i started with the ribs, because i thought it would hurt the worst.

i can't explain it. for someone who is prone to panic attacks for no good reason, and especially for good reasons, i felt no panic.

i was really pretty calm. and he asked me if i was ready, and i said yes, and he started. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. he definitely hit a point where it stung like a bitch. for the most part, though, it was awesome.

much easier than anticipated.

when it was time for saturn to sit on my fingerprint, i expected pain, but not much of it, and only a minute's worth. it was a minute and a half of insanity. it felt like getting papercuts in gaping papercuts. it sucked.

but it was done in a minute and a half. so all was well. and it looked awesome.

then we had to take an intermission. aubree and i decided to split the image.

he did my half. and then her half.

i'd decided that in honor of my ghost, i was going to put a little apple that fell from the tree on my ankle.

and it wasn't on the art, so he freehanded it.

and after the cigarette i had, post saturn and nina rib tattooes, the ankle tree hurt the worst of all. the way i see it, the adrenaline had come and gone, and the endorphin rush had already worn off as well. so all that was left was to feel the pain.

and i did.

but when he was done, and i looked down, i burst into tears. the tree was perfect. but that apple. it killed me.

i'd been thinking about the ghost for most of my trip home, and to memorialize him meant more than anyone will ever know. it's okay to carry it around with me, as long as i don't let it weigh me down after all these years.

i haven't thought of it much since, but i really lost it for a minute, and aubree asked me to pull it together, because she didn't want to lose it.

so i was done and stopped crying, and then it was her turn.

and then she was done. and then we were all greased up and saran wrapped up, and were zipping around on the scooter to get some food.

i was not hungry. all that belly sickness from tattooes was too much to eat around. so we ordered food to split, but neither of us could even eat it. i had a beer and settled down, and took the food back to her place before the thunderstorm set in.

as we got in her door, it started to rain. the timing was perfect.

we hung around, eating and drinking, uploading pictures and goofing off with adam. he left to study, it stopped raining, and my sister took me on a scooter tour of campus.

it was awesome.

i can't explain how great the daytime was. waking up so tired but amped from the drive down. sister time. just spent talking like we'd never talked before.

and then waking up and getting coffee and rushing to the tattoo place. and getting everything i wanted for a steal. the ride to the lunch place and back to her place.

all of it.

she took me around campus, which was just beautiful. i expected to be bored, quite honestly. i didn't think the novelty of the scooter would have worn off by then, but i expected to see my campus as her campus.

it was awesome. the ride was awesome. feeling so crazy, then chill, and finally a version of the two was really neat to experience.

i don't know.

i do know that i love my sister more than i could ever say.

and that day was perfect. even getting sprinkled on was great.

and getting home to rest a bit, then going right back out was okay. she had a co-ed soccer game. which was fun, considering i know literally nothing of the sport. and i don't know how, but i started to follow.

that was over, and she took me to her haircut lady's house.

i wasn't happy with all the layering she did at first.

but what i came to realize was that, with the loss of that hair, i no longer had triangle head. and that was awesome.

we got a quick shower and headed back to mom's. and talked the whole way back about sex, as we had on the way up.

it's funny how spending just a few minutes talking openly about very personal things can really enlighten you.

i mean, it's my sister. and she's so real and able to talk about everything in ways that i couldn't until about a year ago. i still blush. i still struggle.

though this trip home changed things for me. and i came back talking more openly and freely than i ever have. granted, i feel more openly now than i ever have. and i know what i want. and i'm not going to slow down until i get it.

and by it, i mean sex.

i want sex. i need sex. it's been too long. and i never thought the words would come out of my mouth. but i want shameless sex with someone i am not attached to. and i am now realizing that i am actually capable of it.

i think i am. i am mostly certain of it.

and though i have my gaze on a particular boy, i'm not going to limit myself to only having one possible option.

because the day after that drive, another presented itself to me. and though i made the right decision, or so i believe now, at the time, i also know that i could have gone either way, and been okay.

i have learned the value of a fuck buddy. though i don't have one yet, i could. and i'm no longer afraid to say it. or write it.

rode hard and put up wet. independence day 2010.

it's going to be a late night. i have been running too ragged to keep up with posting. real life has replaced writing time.

kit went home and nina's not here yet and aubree didn't drag me out of the house, so i have time.

last night was an epic disaster. i went out to accomplish two things, and didn't do either.

i went to ask coffee my question. and i went to the club brownies and i used to go to every friday night to dance my ass off.

what happened instead is that i got so drunk that i feared a trip to the hospital was in order.

coffee failed yet again to mention that his girlfriend would be waiting for him at the bar he told me he'd be going to with another guy.

so my hopes were dashed because i am not bold enough to have this chat with him while she is there.

kit finally met him. she said that she thought he was a mythical creature. i told him that she'd been calling him a unicorn.

i guess that maybe i should have no reason to have told her about him, but whatever. i'll try not to overthink it.

the bartender came to see us. he bought us all a shot. after we'd already had a beer and played a wickedly fun game of foosball with a hottie named zach. who disappeared too quickly.

zach and i won. i was giggling and high-fiving enthusiastically, thinking that coffee was watching or catching glimpses before he had a chance to say hi to me.

the bartender went upstairs to talk, and coffee joined us. kit was underenthused, pissed about the girlfriend, and eventually wouldn't speak to me, because i was now backing out yet again.

i kept begging her to trust me. she said that i'm always waiting for the perfect chance.

the fourth time will be the charm.

i'd already committed to wearing the spectacular dress i bought, and the thought of saying it to him looking that romantically cute and while nina is watching feels a bit easier.

last night would have been a possee of four watching. and while kit and my sister had me pretty calm in the face of that mess, it was supposed to happen at the scrabble bar. so it feels like coming full circle. right back to where it was supposed to happen originally.

i can't get him out of my head now that kit has left me.

she was the best distraction. i don't know how i could have survived that first day after the disaster night without her being there.

and last night, i think she saved me from being arrested for public intoxication.

and she was literally holding me up and walking me around. i don't know how i didn't pull her down with me.

so after the beer and the foosball and the brief conversation and the shot, we went to dance.

i had to walk quickly to try to catch up to a very frustrated kit.

but we made it to the club and i got inside with aubree's friend. aubree talked to kit and eventually came inside.

i was sad to not have kit for prince's kiss, because it is literally my favorite song to dance to.

but i danced my ass off, and it was really fun.

then it was last call. it had taken six girls so long to get ready that we had all but missed the entire night.

so i grabbed a last beer. if i'd stopped there, i would have been pretty silly, but not shitty.

and kit came to dance, so all was well. we had fun, dancing to a couple pretty shitty songs, honestly.

then there was a tap on my shoulder. my best friend from high school had tracked me down.

and insisted on a shot.

and instead of saying no, because i knew i shouldn't, i let her. only she bought kit one, too. and she doesn't drink liquor, so i was stuck with both.

i did them back to back. which was not smart. and was also not acceptable.

i signaled to kit that i'd be puking later. because i knew it would put me over the edge.

and the bartender showed up and danced for one song.

and then i started to sway.

and then i couldn't walk straight.

and then i had to puke. i didn't even feel like i was going to get sick. but everything started spinning wickedly. and aubree found me and asked if i needed the bathroom.

and helped me make it down the stairs.

i don't know how i made it. luckily i wasn't in heels, or i'd have sat down and scooted like we used to at grandma's when we were kids.

she tried to come in, and i'm one of those people who needs to be alone when i'm sick. if i see someone puke, i'll puke. and when i'm sick, i will avoid puking as often as possible, just because i hate it.

but last night, i was going to whether i had to or not. it actually took a second to get sick. but then i was thinking, i'll just puke and be fine.

because in the past, it was always fine.

i was in there for a while puking. and they were all banging on the door. what i didn't find out until today was that the high school friend went to get security to try to get me out.

and i kept yelling at them that i was fine and to leave me alone. but only when security started banging on the door and demanding i open it did i come out.

that was when i closed my eyes.

and i didn't open them for over an hour, to inhibit the spinning.

i have never, in my entire life, felt that drunk and out of control over my own body.

i will never. EVER. do that again.

i don't know why i couldn't say no or refuse the shots.


so the security guy got a bottle of water for me, and they carried me out. i think i was between kit and aubree, but i'm not even sure, because my eyes were closed.

i couldn't stand up, so kit propped me up against the outside of the club.

i remember everything. i don't know how i could have been so drunk and not blacked out. maybe that's only tequila.

i don't know.

but i saw the picture that kit took of me today, and let me just say that i look DEAD. i look pale and sick. from puking and sweating so hard, all of my eye makeup was under my eyes.

i couldn't speak for fear of vom, so i began giving thumbs up when something was funny or true.

so i leaned. and kit said that i had to stand up for a bit, because a cop was looking at me.

so i did. and then the car was pulled up to where i was standing. they were so close to where i was, but it felt like forever before i was being shoved into the car.

i don't know how i didn't puke in the car. it was a miracle. the windows were down, and i was sweating so profusely that i could only think that i should be going to the hospital.

my shirt and jeans were drenched. sweat was running down my face, off my nose and chin. and my head was on kit's shoulder, and her arm was keeping me in place.

i guess that at one point my sister started singing 'we're the three best friends' song from the hangover, which is my favorite part of the movie, and i don't remember doing it, but i fist pumped, which cracked them all up. i was being pretty funny with my thumbs up, cracking up both kit and my sister.

i remember some guy on the street asking one of us how they could let their friend get that drunk. i thought it was security, but it ended up being an acquaintance. the cop blocked traffic to get me into the car, so that was pretty awesome. he told us to get home safely.

i know that kit told me i had to get out of the car.

and i shook my head no. i was doing that a lot. i was too drunk to be combative, but i was pretty adamant about not doing certain things.

they got me out of the car, and i couldn't make it inside without puking, so i slunk to the dip in the curb of the driveway, and puked out into the street. i was trying to make the best of a bad situation. i remember feeling my shoes get sprinkled, and the tops of my feet, and it made me mad at myself.

apparently, i wiped my mouth off on kit's shirt, which is making me laugh hysterically right now, because she said she'd never been puked on before and then, 'gross!' and it cracked me up.

i thought i'd actually thrown up on her. but i hadn't.

and when i woke up this morning i had like three overwhelming thoughts. one was to clean up the puke so no one saw. but kit said i was puking foam and bubbles (also making me laugh to tears right now), so there was nothing to clean up.

the next thought was how sorry and embarrassed i was. initially for kit, because she's never seen me that way before, and never will again.

but also to my sister. because the last time i went out with her, she had to carry me to the bathroom for dry heave fest 2010.

it's a horrible example to set for her, and i feel like an asshole that i'm eleven years older and making more retarded decisions.

luckily the bartender left before i got sick, so he didn't see me in that condition. i was worried that word would get back to coffee. as stupid as that is.

letting my best friends see me in that shape is one thing. letting a boy or an interest see me in that shape is another entirely.

i hadn't eaten dinner. that was one mistake. another is not taking into account the weight i lost. i don't know. it was two beers and three shots in total. it was the mixing that fucked me over. but i don't feel like i should have been that drunk on only five things.


it is a red flag.

i will not ever do that again. i'm too old and i know better. and i think it's pretty ridiculous to not be able to say no to peer pressure in that situation.

in any case, they got me inside despite the overpowering smell of cake. mom had been baking, and the sweet scent was enough to make me puke in the living room. but i made it to the toilet where i used it as a pillow. though i didn't get sick again.

and i woke up this morning feeling just fine except for the contacts glued into my eyes and gummed shut by sweat and makeup. the sun woke me up, coming through the skylight in the bathroom ceiling. i wobbled to bed feeling better than i should have.

i slept in later, and woke up to have coffee. and to apologize to everyone and thank them for taking care of me.

i don't know how kit did it. i would have left me in the bathroom in the club for the night. i was a sad mess.

but i survived it. without a trip to the hospital.

if i had gone to the hosptial, i could have requested a room next to my grandfather.

things are really scary with him right now. they think he has parkinsons plus dementia.

he's getting really bad, really skinny, and didn't know who i was either time i saw him.

he was so sweet to me when i was little. it's so hard to see him and know that he can't remember who i am or that he is supposed to know me.

and on the family dinner night, we kept watching his chest rise because he was sleeping with his eyes open and looked dead in the chair.

in fact, on scrabble non date night, i was talking about it to coffee and his gf.

because it was really on my mind. and now it is even more apparent that he's going to die soon.

i think about seven of the last eight trips i took home were spent in hospitals. it was a running joke for a while that i couldn't stay away. one exception was a funeral.

and the two day trip in march to announce the divorce was the other. besides that, mom had surgery, aubee had surgery, and my nice grandma had two, plus another trip.

i can't remember the others.

if he can get out of there tomorrow and into the rehab place, then it will be slightly less hospital-like. but still, a facility with nurses and doctors and monitors that beep and tick off seconds in a life that is nearing its end.

it's so sad to watch someone die this way. he's lost his will to live, and i wouldn't be surprised if it's in the next few months.

like september.

today was significant to me.

i want to tell that story.

i'm so sleepy. which is both uncommon and welcome. i need sleep. i'll process today and the rest later.