the morning after. feb 12th.

this morning i am smiling.

this morning it's okay that i'm still in bed. because i woke up early. because i am excited.

maybe it was that i had to pay the mortgage, because i forgot to last night.

or maybe it was because i woke up from a dream about robbie, where we were walking around and talking. i found him at home depot, and we went to a restaurant where most of my friends were. and introduced him to everybody.

and he kissed kit on the cheek, because they knew of each other.

and then he had to leave, and when he went to kiss my cheek, i turned my head and he kissed my lips instead, and walked away. and my lips were tingling.

so maybe it was because i was having a nice dream about being kissed.

but i woke up, paid the mortgage and changed all my account info to reflect me instead of ever.

i should probably back up.

yesterday morning.

i woke up and stopped at the post office on my way to work, because mom had mailed a valentine's package to me. i had no idea.

so i went to work and lawyer called.

ever had called him at 6 on thursday. despite my telling them both that i needed to know asap if we were meeting on friday so i could arrange my delaware day around it, neither of them bothered to tell me on thursday.

so he called and said that they wanted to meet on friday. ever had realized much later, as i had, that monday was valentine's day. and he really didn't want to sign divorce papers on valentine's day.

i told him i wanted a divorce last valentine's day (forever with ever is over post). and it seemed cruel to have it signed this valentine's day.

so he was ready to sign yesterday instead. and i was so happy, because it was the perfect end to a friday. the perfect start to my weekend.

so i worked. drove to delaware. and drove to lawyer's office from there. which is over an hour drive.

so i got there a little before him. and said hi. and he came in and lawyer went over all the paperwork, so ever wouldn't be confused about what he was signing.

and ever was quiet. and he smelled dirty. he looked rough, as per the usual.

he was on something again, maybe just stoned. he was talking with his exaggeratedly thick tongue.

after he went over the property settlement agreement, he had ever sign the divorce decree and the waiver.

and ever turned and made a joke that all three of us laughed at. he said, 'are you sure you want to divorce me? there's no going back if i sign this...'

and i said, 'yes please.'

it was the tone he took, and the fact that he had the pen to the paper. i don't know. sometimes he's really not funny, but right then? he was very funny.

so he signed off, saying that we are divorced. that he won't make the court wait 20 days to process the divorce, which is standard.

then we had to wait for the notary to get there.

and so i wrote out the $1 check for the quitclaim deed. because anytime you sign a deed, it has to be purchased. and whenever something like this happens, you just make the purchase price $1. it was funny. but it was done.

and because of the court order, and because ever didn't have the money to pay the mortgage, we agreed to take it out of the money for the buyout. so i cut him the check for the difference and agreed to pay the mortgage and late fees to start over and be the responsible one.

and then we went to the neighboring office after lawyer checked to make sure the girl was there. he kept leaving us in the office alone together for a little bit while he checked. the first time he did it, ever went to smoke. the second time he did it, i went to the bathroom. and the third time he did it, ever asked how aubree is doing. and i told him that she's well. about to graduate and apply to med school. studying for the mcats. and i told him about grandma's surgery. and he asked about grandpa. and i told him about the day of the pill mixup, but that other than little slips here and there, that he is ornery as always and doing well. and i asked if he ended up going home, and he said no. and i thought he was going to cry. but he didn't. and then lawyer walked back in.

so we went to the office across the hall, and signed and notarized everything. and went back to lawyer's to get our things and divvy up copies of everything.

and it was done. it was over. and lawyer shook his hand, and i gave him a hug. and he left.

and we let him have a minute to get out of earshot. and lawyer said, 'that was sad. like a breakup or something.'

and i nodded. it reminded me of a time, in our second apartment. maybe two years into the marriage. we'd had an argument, and i was pissed at him for being lazy and not helping me, when i was working in the airport and really tired. he said, 'i feel like if we weren't married, you'd be breaking up with me. do you want to break up with me?'

and i don't remember how the conversation went, but i told him that, yeah, if we weren't married, i'd dump him and start over. i was that upset. that early on. and i can't say that it became a running joke, but there were more times over the years when things were rough and he'd ask if i wanted to break up with him.

it's funny the things you think about. when it's finally over.

but i shook lawyer's hand and thanked him repeatedly. told him to send the final bills so i could be squared away with him.

i need to redo all that work that kit and i did at the bar the day i had my last meltdown. when i got so overwhelmed that i shut down.

because now all the variables are solved, so now i can make an accurate timeline.

now i need to start packing.

and i just don't want to.

it's funny. when i left him, i was so angry that i sped through packing. it was like i had been waiting to pack. and i think i started packing stuff before i even told him i was leaving. in secret, while he was sleeping or working upstairs. the stuff that i didn't need.

in fact, i remember reorganizing our bookshelf. because i knew he wouldn't notice. i made two shelves mine and two his. because it was time consuming. and i knew i could get away with it. and that it would help later, when i packed openly. and i remember telling my shrink about it. like admitting that i had done it. it was a gateway.

when i think back on the last year, so many things happen. i feel on the verge of tears right now, remembering. the little death of my marriage. it's the one year anniversary of the death in two days. i feel like i should be putting calla lilies on its grave or something. but where is it even buried? i felt, when i passed the place we were married in florida last summer and this winter, that it was there. that the rotting corpse and the awful reminders were somehow there.

but i think that once i'm in the house, it will feel like it's in the house. like a scary little monster that lives in the tiny wedge under the first floor staircase.

so i drove home and started calling people and telling them it was over.

i started with nina. she texted me literally as i got into my car, asking me if it was over. and i got out of germantown, and onto the highway and called her to tell her.

then my parents. and dad picked up and i sang, 'all the single ladies, all the single ladies'. and he cracked up, but didn't know the song and thought i was saying 'i'm a single lady'.

so i told him it was over and thanked him profusely for making it happen. between the idea and the money. it was all him.

and he said he was so glad that it was over, for me. and i got off the phone and called kit to tell her, left her a voicemail with the same song.

so then i was home. i had raced because landlord was showing the apartment at 530 without telling me. he texted me at 430 while i was at lawyer's, and i knew traffic would suck and that i needed to get there quickly. i imagined something embarrassing, like dirty underwear in the bathroom floor, and raced back. i made it, too. i had a couple minutes. it wouldn't have been the end of the world if i hadn't made it, but luckily i made it.

and then i ate some food. i hadn't eaten all day. i'd had two coffees and popped an ativan on the way to lawyer's because i was feeling racy and sick nervous.

so i had my leftovers and watched a nip/tuck. and kit and realtor had been asking me to go to the movies with their women's group. and i really didn't want to see 'black swan', so i almost didn't go.

but the thought of being alone in my apartment on such a happy day was too sad for even me. so i went.

and the outing was fun. but i really didn't care about the movie.

i think that, after knowing someone who danced and had anorexia because of it, paired with really not caring for classical music at all, or ballet, it was just not for me.

i like natalie portman. seeing her that skinny was rough. and it's a hard movie to watch anyway, it's supposed to be. and thankfully there are tons of sex scenes in nip/tuck, so i've acclimated to seeing them recently. because otherwise, i don't think i could have sunk into my chair enough to feel comfortable with the variety of scenes in that movie.

someone we went with described it as being a visceral experience. and i think that was spot on. it affected me. it's not like the movie was stupid or poorly done. just not for me.

everyone else loved it. and i cracked up when it ended, and realtor asked if there was a therapist in the house.

i was already in a strange mood. i think i expected some kind of a party because it was finally over. instead i ended up tagging along on a movie night.

beer after the movie was fun though. really loud. but fun. went to a place that used to be a dive bar with a teeny stage for punk shows, mostly. i had gone once. it was dark and dirty. they redid it a couple months ago. and serve really good food now, and have a lot of craft beers that weren't too pricey. so that part of the night was fun.

and then five of us piled into one cab and made a double stop. which was fun. we were laughing and talking about the gym the whole way home. and kit had to work today, so she went home. and i had said that if sam had been working at favorite bar, i'd go there after, but would just go home instead. and i started walking with kit, and saw sam with owner. owner asked us how we ended up, because earlier in the week we were having a crazy day. so i said that my divorce was final and they both gave me hugs.

so we went and talked to them for a while, and kit went home and i went inside.

but ended up wishing i'd just have gone home. sam was telling me to come in for a beer, but once i sat next to her and owner, they were just talking and looking at pics together the whole time, and not including me in the conversation.

so i drank fast, and came home, and went to bed with snacks. i wasn't hungry, but felt like i should probably eat something to go with the beers i'd had. other than bar fries and popcorn at the movies.

so now it's my first day of being officially single. and i had planned to set up my profile today. but part of me thinks that i should wait until the day after valentines day. not only to clear the one year alone mark officially. but also because how sad is it to join a dating site two days before?

all week, the theme of the week was, 'tea? you think too much.'

i heard it from so many people, about so many different things.

and it's true.

so i tried to tastefully acknowledge my divorce on fb. i merely changed my relationship status to single.

and part of my overthinking is thinking that some mutual friends will unfriend me. for thinking i'm insensitive.

part is wondering if certain people noticed. like such as intern.

to change the subject, briefly, a week ago, chalk started a scrabble game with me. first interaction with him since i ignored his text while i was home, saying we could hang out in a different capacity. he called it 'i miss miss tea'.

and today, i had a word to play in it. and last night, he wrote 'how's the sex life? need me to fly up and take care of business?'

and i didn't know what to say, really. i needed to think about it. and i should be able to be direct with him and say, 'no thank you.'

but i just couldn't.

and then i accidentally hit the return key mid sentence, so there was no editing, no going back.

and what i said was that the divorce was final and that i'm going to start dating, because i never actually did that before.

i didn't respond to him exactly. but i didn't have a chance to undo it and think some more.

oh, well.

if he doesn't get the hint, i'll have to be more direct.

i am no longer interested in you, good sir. thanks for the seriously amazing one and a half visits. i really wish i could forget the second half of that one trip, because it ruined our little arrangement. and i wish that i'd been able to enjoy myself in florida, but i just didn't. you snapped my last nerve. and i think i can only survive being in a room with you if there's duct tape over your mouth. otherwise, you make me insane. and unfortunately, you can't compensate enough in bed to detract from that. sorry. you're crossed off the list.



needed to get that out of my system. i only had one fuck buddy and now he is eliminated. i have to start over and attempt to build a roster from scratch. how am i ever going to do that?

i don't know. but the dating site is a good place to start.

362 days. 2 11 2011.

362 days. in the year of 11's, it was february 11 that stood out.

it's not really sinking in quite yet.

i know. it will.

when the beer of this friday night out wears off, maybe.

or maybe when i start packing.

maybe when i actually spend my first night back in the house.

maybe when i think i can be ever's friend.

maybe when i don't have a two beer per day minimum.

it could be any of these things, or something random. like tonight. hearing a descendents song in a bar. and going, 'holy fuck. i'm not his wife anymore.'

today, ever granted my divorce.

today, i saw him for the last time in my lawyer's office.

today made me realize that every penny i spent on my lawyer was worth it.

because today? today ever signed.

he took the money after he signed the divorce decree and the property settlement. i gave him $1 for the deed he signed over to me.

today i became single.

tomorrow, i become an online dater.

tonight, standing outside a bar in the yuppiest, douchiest part of center city, i was ready to just walk up to any random passerby and kiss him good and hard on the lips.

because as long as i have been separated, there was some guilt associated with thinking about being with someone else.

and tonight? none.

tonight i wanted to fuck some random dude. just because i could.

i didn't.

and i know it's probably better that way.

but tonight i could have. not for an offer or anything like that. but i could have because i wouldn't have to justify not explaining at some point that, technically, i'm married.

i'm so glad that it is over. and i wonder how long it will take to sink in. and when.

sunrise. february 9th.


so, last night, i was on the phone with my parents. going over the whole story from court, because i hadn't told my dad yet.

and i wasn't as wound up as i was on monday, leaving court. or after the shrink and talking to everyone about it. or as freaked out as i was when i didn't know where i was going to live that night.

but i was still upset.

and if i had just opened my email when i got home from work, after the sneaky hate spiral post. if i had looked while i was on the phone with them, i would have gotten his email, and known that much sooner. and been that much less upset for that much less time.

so as it was, i got off the phone with my parents, telling them i'd call if i saw anything.

i had spent the afternoon cleaning my apartment for the showings, because i won't be home in time from work today to clean before they come through.

so i was trying to put everything away and get it all together, then vacuum, then swiffer, before i let myself get online. and, i had drink plans with realtor, so i needed to finish before i let myself go out. and if one thing can derail my motivation and my ability to accomplish things i set out to do, it's the internet.

i had finished almost everything, and got online to see if realtor had emailed me. and saw a cryptic email from lawyer that said something about an email response to ever.

and i couldn't tell from what he had written if it was a good email or a bad email. so i went into my other email account and read the first two lines of ever's email.

and squealed. and jumped up and down. and laughed and squealed some more.

and called my parents back maybe 15 minutes after i'd hung up with them. and they were almost as happy as i was, outwardly.

i felt light. i felt happy. i felt EXCITED.

and i talked to them through the tiny phase of acceptance. when i was actually grateful to be moving back into the house. when i realized that, although it's not signed yet, it's so close to being over. freedom is so close to my grasp that i can smell it, hear it, feel it, taste it, see it.

it smells like drywall mud and cleaning products. it sounds like other people shuffling around in my living space. it feels like a much cooler temperature my boiling hot apartment. it tastes like things that are cooked in my custom kitchen, like things that are baked in an oven that doesn't burn everything that goes in. i mean, everything tastes better today. it looks like i'll have a dating profile in a matter of days, not weeks or months. and more literally, it looks like the prettiest sunrise i have seen in a long time. i thought it was just a heightened appreciation, but i wasn't the only person to notice it, so it was definitely spectacular.

it's going to be okay.

toughing it out at the house is so much easier and better than finding some third place to live and having to decide blindly what type of a lease to sign.

owning the house alone gives me so much control over my own future that, when i think about it, i get a little dizzy.

i'll love having space for people; house guests, game nights, art nights. i'll love cooking dinner and having too much counter space surrounding me. i'll learn to love having roommates and living somewhere for free and getting out of debt. FINALLY.

i'll love being able to have a puppy again, if i decide to. rescue some sweet awesome dog if i decide that i can be a good mommy to it.

as good as things feel today, i don't know that i will ever get over the guilt that i feel about uprooting him. and i know how stupid that sounds, because he did bring this on himself.

but moving everything he owns is going to suck. it's why i left him in there. and it's going to be sad having all this empty space because i don't own anything. seeing space where there used to be none. having a ton of space to myself that he wouldn't let me claim when i lived there.

i still can't believe that he let himself get here. he was SET. he was living there for free and having all that space. and now he is going to have to pay more to live in a smaller space. he's going to have to get a JOB. and pay rent. be a tenant.

he's about to go through what i've been going through. only the exaggerated version of that.

and i do feel guilt about other things, too. again, it's not my fault, he had complete control to change his situation. but i feel bad that he is alone. i feel bad that his health sucks. that this chunk of money, that is probably bigger than any chunk of money he's been given in his entire life, is just going to erase part of his irresponsibility from the past year. not even all of it. and that it won't even be a nest egg, or a starting point. because he has already spent it.

i don't know. maybe he can take the disability route. i can't imagine him working for a living. for someone else. i mean, who knows, he might have had work lately through the business, but i highly doubt it.

alright. back to being happy and carefree...

so last night, after i started spreading the word, i went out with realtor. and things were coming in. everyone was as relieved and happy as i was. lauren said it made her night. everyone wants to celebrate.

it's exciting to have something to celebrate. there's this liz phair line from whitechocolatespaceegg. she says 'it feels like relieving a headache'.

that is how i feel.

so i went to a different bar, in order to not wear favorite bar out.

and i ate before i went, to save some money. and i bought realtor a couple beers.

i am so grateful to make yet another friend. who is in nearly the very same boat that lauren and i ended up in.

it's crazy how similar we all are to each other, what we have been through, how we feel now, how we felt then, all of it.

and i'm glad for the house, too, because knowing that i'm going to be here for a while longer has let me open up to making more friends before i leave.

of course, realtor thinks i'm dumb for leaving. because she is a realtor, she knows of this vacant bar in our neighborhood. and wants a few of us to go in on it together, and have our coffee shop/bar.

it's funny, because she gave me a different perspective. this whole time, i was convinced that i couldn't do what i want to do here, because it's so saturated.

and she made me think of it differently. last night was the perfect example. my three bars are worn out and a little too far from her. and the bar we went to sucks. neither of us liked it. i picked it because i thought it was in the middle, but i had my streets mixed up, and basically made her walk almost over to me.

and there's a great bar that i forgot about, where i went with chalk when he was yelling out the window his bullshit story to the people on the sidewalk below us. and it's closer to her, but still further than she feels like going sometimes.

and she said, 'see? if we had that vacant bar, it would have been perfect for drinks tonight.'

and i shrugged it off. because, let's face it, i am moving home for at least a while. but who knows what will happen after i've worn out the vacation feel, and start to feel too enclosed in florida. thinking about ever living in florida, too, even if it was only for a few days that he was leaning that way, made me want to stay here.

and thinking that i could actually do something here? i had given up on that a long time ago. when i realized how many bars there are already. when two of my coworkers opened a cafe and how much competition they have already.

i'd rather be a pioneer. i'd rather have a big hold on the market, instead of a tiny slice of the pie. i'd rather give people something they don't have access to. and hope that there isn't a good reason for the total lack of it.

but just sitting across from another woman, who said things that kept garnering 'me too!' responses is such a good feeling. lauren and i did it a few times recently. like, 'man...i thought i was crazy this whole time!' only to find out that we aren't both crazy. knowing that there are this many women in my sample means that, across the population, we can't be alone. we can't be the only ones. and it's like having a support group.

it was refreshing. and it was fun, even when we were talking about things that weren't. and we agreed to start hanging out on mondays. whether we have art night or beer night, or dinner night, or netflix night.

just because we each spend so much time alone, dicking around. and there's no reason to be sad and alone separately.

so my shrink was right. ever's motivation was three pronged. first of all, he paid january. but couldn't charge february to his credit card, which was his plan. he would be maxing it out. and then not have any wiggle room. and the dudes are leaving town, and that's how he plans to move out. so it put a rush on the move. and they'll need access to his money if something goes wrong. so he would rather have a nice chunk of cash to keep his business afloat.

if you ask me, it was a little shortsighted. i'd at least have countered again. 10k and it's done. but he didn't. he just gave up.

and i get it. when you refuse to work and have no savings, you can't get ahead. he's just like his mother.

but for me? i'll be perfectly fine. i'll have security deposit, and rent saved up from not paying last month's. i'll have rent coming in for march, hopefully. and that's going to be the head start i need.

this feels so much better.

now i just have to make sure he shows up to sign.

so close.

the money is sitting in my account to pay him. it blows my mind. my parents kick ass!

i'm having a party when this is done. i was serious about help with my dating profile. i know there are some of you who are completely objective, because you do not know who i am. i want the dust knocked off of it. i don't want to waste any time.

i'm ready to chase boys!! this is going to be the best valentine's day that i have had in eleven years. i don't care that i have no boy to share it with.

because it's about potential.

and the potential for potential.

i'll drink to that.

it's my life. february 8th, part 3.

i am the happiest woman alive.

i just got the email reply, from the one i sent saying, '$76k to buy me out.'

and it said, highlited,

'i will take the $7k. draw up the papers.'

holy fuck.

i am still shellshocked.

not only did i give him what i wanted to all along.

not only did he not drag this out.

not only did he agree.

but it is a week before valentine's day. a week from the one year mark of when i told him i was leaving.

and it is finally ending.

sneaky, sneaky. february 8th, part two.

dear tea,


love, the sneaky hate spiral

(a reference to my favorite blog, hyperbole and a half. it's here:

there's going to be no nice way of saying this. i'm going to sound like an asshole.

but today is annoying customer day.

my job at suck store is retardedly easy. so when people make it difficult, i get pissed.

twice today, here's the part where i'm an asshole, people in wheelchairs have been a pain in the ass.

i'm sorry. but one lady picked her bag of food up, upside down and dumped it on the floor. her son was helping her. she didn't need to do anything but sit there and be helped. so that was awesome. because i'm not an asshole in real life, i gave her another one and didn't charge her extra for it.

and the other one? the other one was bad, and luckily it was the one that happened first.

okay. it's more his fault (the guy pushing her) than hers.

suck store is in a shit neighborhood. so a lot of addicts come into the room i work in and fuck shit up.

this guy had that whole probably 45 year old dude with missing teeth which makes him look 60. pushing this lady who was old enough to be his mom, but wasn't.

so he parks her in front of the cash register. and tries to pay with a credit card. which is a funny thing to do when there's a huge sign that says 'cash only' in huge letters. so then he tries to pay with a $100 bill.

ok, first of all? no. second of all? are you kidding? for two small coffees? and you're an addict. i'm not taking a $100 from you.

so he leaves her sitting there, in front of my register and the food section of the counter. and goes to find an atm.

for the next ten minutes, i had maybe 10 customers. and this idiot woman wouldn't move. and he was m.i.a. so everyone was reaching for food around her, and walking around her to pay.

come ON.

then, twice today, i started people's drinks, only to have them change their mind in the middle. like, an afterthought. oh, can i have that sugarfree? can you make that iced? oh sure. let me just dump out this whole drink i made because you were too busy texting to pay attention to the words falling out of your mouth. idiots.

goddammit. it's just fucking coffee.

but in the mindset i'm in, it is really pissing me off.

i literally probably helped 40 people today. and only half didn't annoy me or upset me in some way.

i want to go home. now.

post post. february 8th.

yeah. so that was a lot to digest.

sorry about that.

what's crazy is that i went to bed at 10 last night. after all that writing, put on a few episodes of nip/tuck to try to sleep to. but i was wide awake, so i kept watching the next one and the next one.

i didn't let myself smoke again, even though i wanted to. and i couldn't drink more. because i just couldn't. i had to get up super early and it was super late, and i'd already had my two beers for the night.

all i wanted to do, last night at that exact moment, was to go back on vacation. the feeling and desire to run away is so totally overwhelming.

i stayed in my bed.

but i kept rolling over, tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable and unable to find a cold spot on any of my four pillows to fall asleep on, and thinking of something. sitting up to write it down. and try to go to sleep again.

i did that until well after midnight.

it was awful. and knowing i was waking up at 545 made me want to cry.

it was strange. i kinda cried. it was more like having really teary eyes. my face didn't crinkle or anything.

but i was laying in bed, eyes watering at the thought, 'i just want to be touched.'

why is it that i let him have so much power over me?


i'm the ice queen with him now. because cold and distant from him is so easy. i cannot believe i was ever with him. standing across from him yesterday, there were absolutely no fond feelings toward him. there was no 'i used to hold his hand' thoughts that created warm fuzzies.

instead, i stood across from him thinking, 'holy FUCK! i used to SLEEP with HIM???? gross!'

and despite that little mental freakout on my part, last night it kept looping:

i just need human contact.

even if it was my mom touching my hair. mom comforting works. and friend hugs are awesome.

but being touched anywhere by a boy is a different ball of wax. even if it's a brush of my hand. or playing with my curls. i want chills and warm fuzzies.

and because it's how my head works, i kept ending up back on ever. not in a relevant way. but i'd get sad about being alone and then think of him again. or think about hanging with a boy, and pesky ever would end up back in the way. blocking my mental path away from him.

it's like seeing someone standing in the road, and not being able to make them out. and it bothers you, and they always catch your attention. and then pulling up next to them, and realizing it's the deranged murderer you saw on tv and mashing the gas.

ever sneaks into my mind like that. i can be thinking about anything. happy, sad, sexy, whatever. and then he just pops up and ruins anything. everything.

then last night, i thought, 'why am i letting him keep me awake right now? why do i still feel bad? why do i alternate between sadness, and hatred, and impatience?'

and, 'why can't he just let me go? really, truly, release me.'

i ended up sitting up in bed, drinking a glass of water, and taking an ativan. after i had just bragged to shrink about not taking one in a while, and not even wanting to until court. i guess that about 30 minutes later, i was asleep. it had to have been around 1 am.

and this morning, i had to talk to myself for quite a while to make myself get out of bed. because i was tired and teary eyed. and i just wanted to revert to childhood 'but i don't waaaaaannaaaaaa go to wooooooork!' and whine and kick and cry instead.

and get my way, because that is all i want most of the time. no matter what i am referring to.

another part of last night's discomfort was that i woke up with a literal pain in my neck yesterday before court. actually, it was a pain in my chest, too.

somehow, i guess i left my neck suspended between a pillow and my mattress, and slept really deep. so i must have overextended all the muscles connecting my chest to my head. and it wasn't like waking up with a kink in my neck. it was sore achy muscles. enough to make me fear i was getting the flu. so i walked around with that all day. and last night, i couldn't find a way to sleep that didn't hurt.

and it's still weird today, but last night was rough.

so i wrote a while back about reading this book called 'awakening intuition'. and while i take parts of it with a grain of salt, part of it has felt real to me. and ever's heart issues since i broke his heart, paired with the episode of nip/tuck i watched just before i fell asleep dealing with psychosomatic symptoms.

and my pain in the neck. it all fit pretty neatly together, in my head, last night.

maybe if ever stopped being a total crazy dickhead, and started to deal with all the reasons why i left and take some responsibility for himself, his heart problems would subside. i definitely think it presented itself after i left for a reason.

just like i think it's firing up again now for a reason.

call me crazy, but i do think there's some validity to this.

last night, i left off something important that kit said, after the bit about the owner last night.

she thinks that ever changing his deal to be about buying me out of the house was just about him trying to shake me up and get money out of me.

so i freak out and have a meltdown. because he changed his mind again. and then get so frustrated that i say something like, 'here! fucking take the $12k!! i'm done with you!'

and i bet that she is precisely right.

leave it to him to do absolutely nothing, save for opening his mouth, and get more responses out of me.

i am so grateful that i saw my shrink when i did two weeks ago. and when i did yesterday.

because so many things between then and now would have gone so differently if i had let myself get all wrapped up and caught up in his drama and craziness.

i'm repeating myself here. i can be done now. i just had a little more, leftover.

now i'm going to put together my offer to him.

it's going to be outrageous. i'm such a vindictive bitch that i just want to send him a note that says:

'$100k. $60k wired to me overnight. $40k when i say i've signed everything. cash only. otherwise, the deal is off.'

hold the phone. (it's a novel - sorry). february 7th.

i think it's funny that yesterday i was completely calm about today. not nervous, not anxious even. i couldn't sleep last night. i think i fell asleep around 1 or 130. but i wasn't even panicky.

this morning, i think i started waking up at 6. and when i woke up with the alarm at 7, i woke up from a dream that ever had found my blog and had brought a bunch of stuff from it to court.

it was awful.

and from that point, i couldn't calm down. i couldn't have coffee because i didn't want to feel worse. i kept thinking, 'i hope i don't throw up. i hope i don't throw up.'

and somehow i ended up running late, even though i got out of bed with plenty of time to get ready. luckily, i had put my papers in my bag last night, so i wouldn't leave to chance anything getting forgotten.

but in my rush, i forgot to pack my ativan. my plan since yesterday was to pop one on my way out this morning, so that, by the time i got there, i was calm. because it helped me so much at the mediation.

i caught the bus without a snag. and got there without issue.

i think i wondered for a minute if he would show up, but i was confident he would, just because he would be arrested if he didn't show.

so we were there, lawyer was waiting for me. and we talked for a minute. and he cracks a lot of jokes that are more awkward than funny. and it made me a little uneasy, instead of lightening things, which is what he was going for.

i was sickly nervous. not for the outcome or anything else. just for seeing him again and interacting with him again.

so we were there. and waiting. and he said, 'there he is.'

so he said hi to ever.

i was completely dumbfounded. he was wearing glasses. black rim glasses. never a day in his life has he EVER needed or worn glasses. at first i thought they were the blank lens kind, for appearances. but the thing is, they were prescription. i could see that things were blurry on the other side of them.

and he was wearing a watch. never a day in my life with him has he EVER had a reason to wear a watch. i think he prided himself in never wearing a watch.

all i can figure is that he went home, and got a bunch of shit from his grandfather's house. and wore it all into court.

and he was wearing a blue plaid shirt tucked in with a belt to black pinstripe pants. really odd.

so lawyer wanted to talk to him, after we filled out our paperwork to say that we were there.

so we start talking in the hall and his face was messed up. like he had this big red blotch where the nosepiece of his glasses touched between his eyes. and his eyes were those scary opiate pinpoints. i couldn't look at him because he just looked too fucked up.

and he kept moving his head to the side and staring me down, like he wanted me to look at him while i talked to him, and i couldn't. i know he thinks it's for other reasons. but i also know that he might not know that i can now recognize those eyes.

so, keeping in mind that i have broken my lease, offered him money to leave the house, that he said he'd be out in a week, or by the end of the month at the latest...

lawyer reminded him that we didn't hear back from him after the email i sent telling him my offer stood. he never declined it or countered or anything.

and he said that was because he loves the neighborhood. which makes one of us. and that he wants to stay in the house. that he has the money for the mortgage payment, and that he doesn't want to leave.

would i be willing to let him buy me out?

okay. let's review, shall we?

first, ever, you fucking DOLT, you don't have a job, so you can't get a mortgage.

second, ever, you idiot, you don't pay the mortgage or the bills.

third, ever, you asshole, NO. you can't be trusted. what makes you think that i'm going to be willing to be attached to you and this house for the next several years because that is what you want?

fourth, ever, you lazy piece of shit, it's not a fucking car. you can't make installments. and you cannot come up with a pile of cash big enough to buy me out.


i am so angry. because it's starting all over again.

i am so angry. because he had me jump through a ton of hoops and do everything he said, based on his willingness and decision last week to leave, that now i have done everything i needed to do, and am fucked.

i am so angry. because one year later, we are no closer to a decision than we were a year ago. he has now changed his mind so many times, that we have ended up right back at square one. only difference is that i have a year's worth of broken agreements and shenanigans under my belt.

i am so angry. how many times have i explained this to him? i feel like a broken record.

so i stared off into space, like at the mediation, while the two of them went back and forth about how to proceed.

and lawyer said something about being willing to sign the property settlement agreement and leaving today with that being drawn up. and i shook my head. that, no, we won't delay the court order without the mortgage being paid in full in front of me, by phone. and that i wasn't leaving without the court order, no matter what ever said or agreed to.

i have gotten really good at shutting him down before he even has a chance. because i now have so many experiences with each thing he says. he wants to stay. fine. i know what that entails. he wants to leave. fine. i know what that entails, too.

but i was not expecting him to say that he wanted to stay. i felt like a rug was pulled out from underneath me. and he just casually asked what i would want, monetarily. and i said, 'i don't have my paperwork with me. i'm not even going to guess at what it would take for you to buy me out.'

and explained that, unlike my agreement with him, and the work that took, the starting base amount was $30k to pay back my parents. and that had nothing figured into it for me, as far as marital assets. so, automatically over $30k. just to shut him up and make him think about that.

he was just so bizarre. so erratic. he was so slow. and childlike.

i knew he was off. and dave alluded to the fact, right before we left, that he was totally nuts. and that he understood (why i left?) how we were here, at this point.

alright. buckle up, readers, this is where the story really takes off. as if the preface wasn't enough.

so we are in the hall. and lawyer explains that he can agree to the mortgage-related court order, and we can basically have the judge read it on the record and leave. before anyone else even goes into her chamber. we could skip the back and forth. and save several hours' time. and get the hell out of there.

and he agreed to stay current on the mortgage and to pay january and february payments by thurday. so we got to go before anyone else, and have it read.

but a couple things happened. one, we went into the chambers, and the judge had the order, along with lawyer's letter about why we were there in the first place. about ever repeatedly demonstrating that he wasn't paying on time.

we got sworn in. to which i say 'i do' about telling the whole truth. and he says 'yeah.' then she looks at him like she didn't hear him and he says, 'yep.'

there were three other people in the chambers. one, i would assume, was the stenographer. one kid was on the internet. and one guy was using a copy machine behind us.

so while there was other stuff going on, i was able to focus. and ever was not.

and so we get into it. and say that we agree to it. but she has to ask this series of questions. and all was well for the first few. did anyone bribe us to agree? did anyone coerce or threaten us? do we both agree? no. no. yes.

then, the snag.

'ms zee, are you under the influence of drugs or alcohol?'


'mr zee, are you under the influence of drugs or alcohol?'


'mr zee?'


'are you under the influence of drugs or alcohol?'


fuck me in the face. he is NOT playing this card.

'what drugs are you under the influence of, mr zee?'

'clonopan and lexapro.'

'so these are prescribed drugs, mr zee?'


'are these drugs affecting your decision to enter this agreement?'


'mr zee?'

'i don't know. i don't think so.'

'mr zee, are these drugs affecting your ability to think clearly?'

'i don't think so.'

'mr zee, do you take these drugs every day?'


'mr zee, is this a normal day for you?'


'mr zee?'

'yeah, i guess so.'

i don't know. she probably asked a couple more questions, one of which was, 'do these drugs help you to think more clearly?'

and he said, 'i've been taking them for so long now that i would hope so.'

and from our interaction in the hall, i had already thought that, combined with the mediation, that he was going totally fucking crazy. certifiably nuts.

and after this portion, before she read the agreement aloud for the record, and signed it into being, i had a feeling he was up to something.

call it a gut feeling.

so it was done and recorded. she told us we could go out and that our order would be out in a minute.

and we went out into the waiting room, where about thirty people were waiting for their turn in front of her, to wait for the signed and sealed court order.

(this is where the buckling up comes in.)

now, first things first. i know he was on something other than psych meds, because of his eyes. whether he was just stoned, or had opiates in his system, i don't know. but he left that part out of the sworn testimony when discussing being under the influence of drugs.

add to that the fact that, after mediation, he said dr dug had misdiagnosed his anxiety disorder. and if that was the case, then why would he still be taking those drugs every day?


waiting room. standing there. it was hot, so i kept walking out into the hall where it was cool and not crowded.

and i walked back in to see ever notice a paper plane that was sitting on top of a cabinet in the room full of people. it was folded up out of a magazine page. and he took it down.

and the second he did, i knew exactly what he was going to do with it.

i expected him to throw it across the room full of people. but he had the decency to walk out into the hallway and throw it down the hall that was mostly empty. maybe three or four people standing around.

and i shot this look at lawyer.

because i knew what he was doing.

and he went back into the room, where i was waiting already, i walked out when he walked in. and back in again.

and, this is the best part...

he flipped the light switch off.

for the whole room.

totally dark room. thirty people. a courtroom waiting room for fuck's sake.

and he didn't flip it off and back on. no.

he left it off for a good 15 seconds. everyone looking around in the dark. and turned it back on like nothing. no smile. no laugh. just off. and then back on eventually.

i felt hot faced. sick. my stomach dropped out.

between what happened in the chambers about his drug use, the part before we went in, and the part after we came out, i feel like he is going to pull a huge stunt.

like, call lawyer tomorrow and apologize for missing court. ask what happens now. or know he went, but ask lawyer what happened, because he doesn't remember.

he's too manipulative for that to have all been real.

and too manipulative to agree to pay $2100 in the next three days, which is what he was agreeing to. along with agreeing to pay the mortgage by the tenth of each month.

so that part is over. after the light switch incident, he came out with the orders and we all left. we let him have a head start. i high fived lawyer for getting us out of there before anyone else, so quickly.

mostly because he saved me several hundred dollars by getting ever to do it that way.

i should have felt great. happy even. but i don't know. the whole thing set me back.

that combined with not trusting him, with not believing him, with him milking the system, with him being broke, with him being a piece of shit.

feeling like i am starting over. with negotiations. with him again.

and what the shrink had to say about it this afternoon was that, i'm not really. because let's face it. it might be over in three days. he might fuck up in three days, and be in violation of a court order. and we might be right back in there in a couple weeks, listening to his emergencies that dictate him missing a mortgage payment.

but to me, all i feel is a total lack of control. and complete loss of stability.

that, combined with landlord sending me an email about two showings on wednesday, and one on sunday at noon, is sending me fucking reeling.

because today i was thinking. well, if ever fucking pulls the ultimate stunt, following my breaking my lease, and stays in the house and refuses to sign the agreement, i still have to be out of my apartment by the end of march. and i thought that, if there weren't showings, that i could just ask him to let me stay month to month until he found someone.

but with three showings, three days after he posted it online, it's not looking too good for me.

today for a minute, i thought, 'see? maybe it's good i didn't start packing. maybe i can stay in the apartment. maybe i don't have to go back into the house after all.'

and now? out the fucking window. i'm out regardless of where i have to go next. and the biggest problem? i can't sign a year lease, so other than the house, i don't know how to live anywhere else.

what if i just go home to fla? what if i go to another apartment in this neighborhood? what if i go to the house?


one of the things he said was, 'i love the house. i love the neighborhood. i don't want to leave.'

fucking great, asshole. move into an apartment in the neighborhood. i hate the fucking neighborhood.

but don't make my shit complicated because you're taking crazy pills and having a change of heart three times a fucking week!

in his brain, i see this as him fucking around long enough, and dragging this out long enough, to the point where i have let him be in the house for two years, like he originally asked.

meanwhile, wrecking my credit. being delinquent.

whatever. he has three days to make it right before i sick lawyer on him.

so after all that mess, i went to work for a while.

but there wasn't that much to do after the lunch rush. and i was just staring at the door, depressing myself over a lack of boyfriend interaction, and the inability to do anything about any of them anyway.

so i left after only three hours of work. because my head wasn't there, and it wasn't busy. and i'd planned to be off for the whole day anyway.

and i walked home. kindof accidentally. i didn't see a bus and walked a few blocks, looking backward the whole time. then i didn't look when it was coming up behind me, and it passed me.

so i walked.

realizing my face was completely miserable. and i felt like crying. i felt sorry for myself. i felt sad. again. and alone. and just fucking WRONGED.

it's funny. everyone that i told was happy for me, about getting the order. because i stood my ground. and did something i'd been working on since november. finally.

and yes, i am glad that part is over. yes, i'm proud that i accomplished it. yes, i'm even a little relieved that a judge has my back. that i didn't get fucked over in the process. and that it didn't cost four times as much to get it.

but really? i feel so much worse now that i felt this morning.

i feel like i lost a lot of ground today. i feel like i lost a lot of control. a lot of stability.

i realized that the guy i married, whether he was acting and exaggerating it, or whether he was genuinely out of his fucking mind, is insane. that he could have been what i'm tethered to, if i hadn't finally said that enough was enough and left him.

he could be my life. and his brain could be what i have to reason with on a day to day.

so luckily, i am not tethered to him, as his wife. luckily i don't have to deal with his insanity on a daily basis. luckily, it is one step closer to being over. the home stretch. literally.

but what control i lost today has sent me into yet another tailspin.

i spent the first half of my time at the shrink talking about him and court. what he did. the whole story. and her shaking her head over it made me feel worse. and nina saying 'bizarre' made me feel worse. because it's fucking true! it's so hard to reason with a man who feels wronged and deserted. but add a huge dose of crazy to the mix, and i feel like i will never fucking get out of this.

i feel like he will flip flop so much that i can't get anything accomplished. and that his erratic behavior is either a brilliant ploy that he is super awesome at faking, or it's real. and either way, i lose. more time, more effort, more thinking.

i spent the next part of my visit talking about the dating site stuff. and it felt like flipping a switch in me. i went from angry, and literally clawing at my neck and arms while talking, to bubbling on about my profile that i have been writing, and knowing what i'm looking for in a boy, even though it's not a long term relationship.

it went a little like this.

i know that i need an independent boy. who is clean and takes care of himself. who has a job and takes me out to dinner and drinks. (do guys still do that these days??) whose place is nice and not dirty and not trashed.

i know that i am no longer the girl who will make excuses for someone who doesn't have a few basic requirements. like, 'but his music is so good! i don't care if he doesn't have a real job', or, 'but he's so cute. i don't care if i have to take him out because he has no money at all.'

those days, for me, are fucking OVER. no more musicians. no more stoners. no more slackers.

not that i need a doctorate degree. but enough motivation and a decent enough job that he can fucking spend $20 on me and not bat a lash.

i know that i don't want to be in love. that i don't want to get married. that i just want to have fun. that i want to find a hot guy who respects me, that i can sleep with on occasion. i don't want a boyfriend. despite all my jokes to the contrary.

i just want to date. for the first time in my life. see options. pick one. fuck him. hopefully repeatedly. and move on.

like i said to her: as long as i'm careful, as long as i don't jeopardize my safety, as long as i take safety measures and don't do anything risky, as long as someone knows where i am, fuck it. right? have some FUN. i'm dying for a little fun in my life.

and she asked me if i thought i was ready.

and i said that i thought i was ready a while ago. that it felt like punishment. being stubborn and sticking to my word to be along for a year. that it's like i was grounded for a year. and now? now i just want to go out and PLAY.

and she thinks it's good. she thinks that, as long as i feel ready, it's fine to have a distraction. something to be happy about and excited about.

and she asked me why i think i am ready.

and i said, 'because i know my own personal red flags. because i'm not going to make excuses for someone who raises them. because i am not transferring old feelings onto someone new. because i'm not going to put someone on a pedastal who doesn't deserve to be - who doesn't earn it. because the last think i'm thinking about is falling in love with someone. because the hardest thing for me to imagine is getting married ever again. because i know i am leaving. because i'm approaching it from a different angle this time. because i know my own tendencies, and i'm aware of them and on the lookout. because i don't want to be serious.'

and maybe all those things aren't the right reasons, but they're good enough for me.

i told her that i didn't think i could be alone before i left ever. and i have been this whole time, and that i proved that i could do it. that i felt better in a relationship than out of one until i left him. and that being out of one has shown me that i don't need to take care of someone to be with them, and that i can have fun and be happy if i'm not being defined as someone's other half. that i didn't know i could be independent, that i thought i was codependent, and would always be.

and it was a funny segue. i went back to ever and court for a bit. and then to my parents.

i told her that i had to kinda push them off a little this past week. because they have a tendency to make me upset when i'm calm. and she explained it as transferring their worry onto me. because they're worried, which i know. but they can't see me to put their minds at ease. and she asked if i am worried about them closing in on me when i move.

and to that, i said that i'm very aware of it. that i'm not going to let it happen, and that i can't even live with them because of how afraid i am. i said that i knew they'd be all up in my business when i'm home again, and that is why i feel the need for physical distance from them, relative to where their house is. just so it's not so easy to go to dinner at mom's every night, and so mom can't show up on my doorstep any time, any day.

but then something caught my attention.

my dependence on them, again. i said, 'believe me. i never thought i'd be so dependent on them, after i got married and moved away. i wasn't for so many years.'

but i am. mom and dad consistently bail me out. first the house, then leaving ever, and now the divorce funds.

i cannot become dependent on them, in exchange for getting out of a codependent marriage.

but was it even? really? i depended on him as being a body in the home we shared. i didn't get much else out of him.

but can i really be alone, if by being alone, i'm super involved with my family?

this hit me tonight, after i left. i talked to her about it a little. but realizing that i just traded husband for my family is not a good feeling.

so i drove home from that trip. after i told her, right before leaving her office, that i spent some time worrying this past week about moving home and losing her as my therapist. that her seeing me go through this, from before it even started, is why she could help me more last session than she ever has. that, if it was someone new referencing notes she took about me, they would have had no idea. or depending on my recount of the past year. they wouldn't have known what to say, or seen the physical and emotional difference in me to point it out, and call me on it.

to which she said, yes, 'i understand that i have been there during a critical part of your path, but when you go home, your needs will change, and it probably won't feel as bad as you think it will' (as far as losing her goes).

and she's right.

i mean, with this behind me, and ever eight states away (please, god i don't believe in...PLEASE...), what will i have to bitch about? what will i stress about? freak out about? panic over?

will i even need a shrink?

i think i will. i am sure that having a signed pile of papers and my old last name back won't magically make my problems go away. and i want to be accountable for my dating decisions, so i don't slip on that pesky slope of boys who are no good for me.

and i am sure this shit will haunt me for a good long time. the thought of starting over with someone else is such a nightmarish thought. but i could be like eight months from that. so it's just too soon to worry.

i think the reason i'm worrying is because my frequency in visits has increased instead of decreased. and because i've gotten more out of seeing her lately than at any other time since the very beginning, when she asked the right questions and made me realize that i had to get out of there if i wanted to ever be happy and sane and feel alive again.

and, in light of all of this, tonight something else happened.

i came home and went to grab a beer with kit.

and the owner of favorite bar was there.

i have met him, and talked to him a couple times. i have talked to his wife a couple times. and doted on their adorable baby some, too.

when lauren and i went to sister bar on saturday, he was there. he was manning the dj booth, playing old soul and funk for the beer event.

and he's short and jewish and cute, which gets a special place in my heart. and i was waiting for the bathroom there, and saw him and said, 'hey!'

and he tilted his head to the side, and said, 'heyyyy. how are you?'

and it was slightly flirty, as i perceived it. and part of me wondered if he just couldn't place me, or if he was drunk or whatever.

in any case, i was glad when the bathroom door opened right then, because i have no business flirting with a married man, and i'd had enough to drink to know that i was feeling a way that was wrong. his wife is awesome and his baby is fucking amazing. and he's an awesome dude and a great husband.

maybe that adds to it for me, i don't know.

so tonight when i saw him, he said hi again, as i was going to the bathroom, again.

and i remembered saturday night.

and when kit and i went out for smokes, he was leaving to go home for the night, and stopped to talk to us.

and i realized, luckily, that it might not be flirting. it's his intonation. the words he chooses and how he puts emphasis on certain ones. and smiles a lot. and looks you dead in the eye, like he's really listening.

so he asked how we were. and we were honest. kit said she was debating starting a relationship, and i said i'd been in divorce court just this morning. two equally big decision sets, two opposite ends of the spectrum. and he said, 'really??' to me. i mean, i know i look young. but yes, really. so i kept it to a simple, 'yep.'

and we talked for a bit. about favorite bar. and sister bar. and projects and renovations. how he started them and how they're different. the timelines for each. he talked for a while. it was nice.

and he left to go see the baby and wife. and kit and i went in. and it fucking hit me. like a ton of bricks. as i was pulling out my barstool to finish my second beer.

he is just like coffee. it's why i like him. it's why i like interacting with him. they're very similar boys. both just shy of 40, so not exactly boys. they have plenty of business smarts, but are so much more amazing with people. schmoozy without being schmoozy. genuinely love awesome beer and good food. and each is seeing his dream out.

it's how i felt about doug, who owned the coffee house i fell in love with, where my dream was born. and how i felt about coffee, who learned everything he could from him, then took it and made it his own.

and this is exactly the same. i mean, minus the whole non-relationship relationship. minus the being in love with him part.

this guy is so similar to coffee, as a person, his voice, all of it. and now this guy is the one who is literally living my dream. i want to pick up favorite bar and plop it down in florida and make it mine.

and realizing that put it all into perspective. doug used to flirt. inappropriately over the top, with all the college girls, and he was at least 45 back then. kissing cheeks and draping arms. way over the top. and this owner isn't like that at all. but these two guys have accomplished what i hope to. and even though i was never attracted to doug, only to coffee, it explains my affinity for favorite bar owner.

that was seriously, i think, the longest post ever written, that was a blog post and not a short story.

i have more to say, but i've been at this off and on since about 230 today. and i got everything out that was in the front of my brain. tomorrow i'm at suck store. and i'll remember half the shit that happened today that i forgot to write out. and i'll have a full day to come up with a number for ever.

part of me wants to not even look at it, and say '$100k'. because $60 or $70 is probably closer to it.

and laugh. and ask how much he wants. because, unless he won the lottery this weekend, while i was busy not winning it, i don't know how the fuck it would even be possible.

if he had to help bury his grandmother, it seems pretty fucking unlikely that he got some crazy pile of money from a life insurance policy when she died.

you can't reason with the unreasonable. and here i am again, asking myself,

'am i insane for doing the same thing, yet again, and expecting a different response?'

because that is the definition. and i am right back where i started. with a year of learning under my belt. but saying as i'm still falling for every single one of his stunts, i don't see how i'm any smarter.

strange days. february 6th.

it's court eve.

maybe that is why i feel so funky.

that, combined with a hangover. a little one, that mostly consists of a headache. but i just cracked a beer, so that should dissipate in a minute.

last night was fun. went to favorite bar's sister bar in north phila. it was cool. had dinner with lauren, which went on for hours, talking and eating, and drinking. there was a brewery there, so we tried a bunch of different beers that they make.

then we went dancing for a little while.

again, with the failure of the dj to remain on the decks, he let some other dude have a go at it. and the majority of the songs weren't really for dancing. there were a couple people playing air guitars.

and again, the feeling of being the oldest people in the room.

i think that, unless i have a clan of people with me, i'm officially giving up on that place.

to add insult to injury, it was intern's birthday yesterday. and he had posted something about drinking in south phila, possibly in my neighborhood. but he wasn't specific, and as desperate as i am (drunken birthday intern is probably about as easy a seduction as i would ever have), i didn't invite myself.

i took lauren home, and drove, against my better judgment. i really shouldn't have, but once i was already taking her home, i couldn't really see parking the car again. so i rolled with it.

i really cannot do that again.

like, ever.

i was paranoid, i knew i was driving fine, but seriously had been drinking beer and water (granted, i had a huge dinner) for several hours. like, five and a half. if not for dancing, i would have been perfectly fine.

in any case, the risk is never worth the payoff, but i did luck out with a parking spot on my first loop around the block.

so i was drunk when i got home. and i ate the rest of my dinner. and a couple mini candy bars, and passed out during the last two minutes of an episode of nip/tuck.

it's been a nip tuck weekend. i must have watched ten episodes since friday afternoon.


and today, all i had to do was pick up my laundry from kit's. she is out of town, so i took advantage of her letting me do laundry here instead of the laundromat.

hooray for an awesome friend.

yesterday, i was here for a while doing laundry. i watched pineapple express while i waited. which was fine. not the best, not the worst. i enjoy stoner movies on occasion.

so today, i woke up at 6 am, drunk. with a headache.

had some water. back to sleep. up at maybe 10. more water, coffee. still have a headache. i thought the coffee would fix it. and then i needed to go to the grocery store, so i couldn't have my hangover cure beer until now.

when i leave here, and get back to my apartment, i'll pop some motrin. no sense having this headache for a full 24 hour stretch.

and i guess it was the combination of the grocery store and coming here for a minute to collect my things that helped me realize that, if not for kit and my parents, i'd have been screwed this weekend.

and dad called to see if i'd heard from ever.

of course, i haven't.

that will end tomorrow when we're back in court.


i managed to get the bank statement that shows the mortgage payment clearing my account (and that it left $140 when it did). blacked out all my other transactions. because ever doesn't need to know that there were two bar tabs, and two delaware trips on there (beer gas cigs). half the transactions were beer related.

which just solidifies the fact that no matter how i justify my expenditures, and only having a couple beers the majority of the time, i am not like most people. and every time i have driven home knowing i shouldn't, i have sworn never to do it again.

and the worst thing is, it's not even about money. it's $15 fucking dollars.

i know from high school that the first thing alcohol affects is your judgment. and most of the time, i can call it like i see it, and i'm fine. but there have been times before when i have had two beers and refused to drive. and then a night like last night when i have had a lot, and don't refuse.


i got by and didn't get into trouble or have a real problem, like hitting a car or something. i just have to stop making bad decisions. i can't be as adamant with aubree about not drinking and driving if this is the example i set for her.

enough self loathing.

i hope i can sleep tonight. i hope court is over with by like 2, because i have a shrink appointment at 4. and i am super glad that is the case.

it will be a day without pay, again. and i have to be okay with that.

so far, everyone is telling me they're thinking about me, and supporting me, and to be strong tomorrow. i'm surprised by how much people pay attention to my situation, i guess. i mention it haphazardly, and it sticks in my friends' brains.

thanks for the support, guys. really.

tomorrow won't be hard. it will be stressful. more than anything, i want it over.

and i guess that the woman judge would have to be an idiot not to kick him out, not to force him to pay, and to let him continue living in the house in this situation. so i guess that is why i'm not worried about the hearing outcome.

i'm more nervous about airing this shit in front of a room full of people who are all there for their own family court issues.

and i'm most nervous about seeing him, and him saying, 'you know what? fuck you. i'm not signing shit. i'm not doing anything.'

ugh. i can't think about it. i'll watch some more nip/tuck and think about their retarded drama for a while instead.

and have another beer. because there's always one more beer that will make me feel better about everything that sucks in my life.

stupid superbowl. i'm glad i don't have tv. and that i could give a shit about football. it made parking easy, even if the grocery store was a crowded disaster.

i finally remembered popcorn. seriously? aside from chips and dips, favorite snack food ever.