from the new apartment. mayday.

it took me the majority of the day to figure it out.

i couldn't put a name on how i was feeling.

the closest thing is apathy. but that didn't even fit properly.

but i realized it at around 5pm.

this is what i do.

i get overwhelmed. and i freeze up. i feel entirely helpless. and i accomplish NOTHING.

i sucked it up, once i realized it. i used to just waste the better part of a day wallowing in it.

but not today. since i'm making this whole fresh new start, i guess i'm going to take this on first thing.

moving out of the house wasn't nearly as hard as i thought it would be. despite ever tricking me into seeing him and the dog.

he said he'd left, as i pulled up in front of the house.

then said that he was about to leave. and instead of walking away when he came down the stoop with the dog, he came to the car and tried to talk to me.

and i just told him to go because i didn't want to set her off. and he did.

kit said he just wanted to see me. and for me to see him.

he succeeded. but i'm nearly positive the look on my face was enough to dissuade him from trying anything other than tossing a few words over his shoulder as he walked away from me, and from the house.

funny story: this is why i don't talk on my phone while i'm driving.

well, first of all, it's illegal. and the ticket costs $140. so says my friend cat who got a ticket recently.

but kit was following me to the house and she called me. i wavered about answering. but i was only two blocks from the house.

so i answered.

and two sentences in, fucking flashing lights in the rearview.

pulled over, trying to look innocent, but i was already sick from heading to the house, so i probably just looked mortified.

and he said 'you know you're not supposed to be on your phone'.

and i wanted to say, yes. i never do this. see i'm just...

but i didn't. i nodded.

and he said he'd let me go with a warning, despite the fact that i was even getting comfortable with the phone wedged in between my ear and shoulder (i had to shift gears).

i was shaking. i was shaking before getting pulled over. but i was really really shaking after.

called kit. she got off the phone because she was driving. and passed the same cop a block or so later.

i hate when people are on their phone when they're driving. they're almost always driving like assholes. and breaking every law. and one of the few times i can count on my hand that i have talked on my phone while driving in the last year, i got nailed.

handled the house. in and out. loaded and unloaded in under an hour. i think kit and i high-fived at least ten times.

went to kit's to help her sort and pack her stuff into garage sale pile and my pile and garbage pile and keep pile.

and that was easier than handling my own stuff.

but then went to my-your to get the sound dock so i could listen to music while cleaning. and the laptop because words were starting to swim in my head and i wanted to get them written here, from the new apartment.

i went to the apartment, or came to, rather. and i started cleaning. and sorting rooms. trying to untangle what all came from the house. and what couldn't wait that came from my-your.

i'm sitting in the floor. in what will be my bedroom. leaning against the wall. listening to thao nguyen because that is all i can do as of late.

and writing my first post from here.

goddamn this place is nothing like my-your, with its quality tilework and wood floors. with its big kitchen and a plentitude of cabinet space.

now i have all these things. and i need more things to put my things in. and i'm worried that i'm going to break my toes on the lip of the tile where it meets the wood floor in this place. my parents call them toe catchers. there are gaping holes where the wood floors let the old radiators stand where they've stood for a hundred years or more.

i need an island. and though the tropical variety would probably do a lot to repair the mess that is my head right now, i need the kind that you find at ikea, with shelves for kitchen things.

it's funny. this place has probably always been rented by boys. it has that feeling. that vibe.

and though a little femininity will suit this place well, i wish that downstairs landlord would let me paint the fucking walls. maybe if i sand down all the plaster/drywall mud patchwork on every wall and ceiling.

fuck me. i might have to buy yards of fabric and just cover all walls. all ceilings. if anyone knows of a tasteful? way to do this, please share. i'm going to need an overhaul.

kit's selling her old bed to me. so on friday, i'll have that.

by some miracle, we got the couch in. i was sweating it so hard. and though bringing it up and in was the hardest part of the move, hands down, it only took about ten minutes from car to living room.

and it is the best thing going in this place right now.

i don't know what i'll do.

i think i'm afraid of my parents judging me for this place. it's expensive for what it is. but location and all.

i wish i could have swung the nicer apartments. but i just have to tell myself not to accumulate too much in the next thirteen months. because i'll be leaving at the end the lease, during prime rental month. and i'll have my pick of places. and my credit card will be very nearly paid off, and i can spring for a nicer place.

it's only a year, after all.

and it is mine. it is all mine.

and that is something. even if it is next to nothing.

yeah... so come on over. it's a big place. i have plenty of room. and nothing would make me happier than to have you here. just put on these blinders...

this place makes me miss the house. i thought we did such a halfassed job at it, at the time, but after seeing this place? ours looks amazing.

when i went there today, there were vegan cookbooks and new pots and pans in the cabinets. someone has moved in. without my knowlege. and that is a problem. saying as it is still mine, halfway.

there were new dishes and glasses above the countertop.

there was a cat litter box in the bathroom. and there was a boy bike in the living room.

the office was set up like a bedroom, though i only glanced in to see that there was a desk.

then, panic.

i had to get out.

i was having a panic attack driving there. then the cop two blocks from there. then the rush of loading the car.

and seeing that someone else was there, i don't know how it made me feel. but it made me sad to be in the fucking kitchen of all kitchens. my custom kitchen. the kitchen i picked out, top to bottom. the kitchen that my parents and friends spent three trips making.


and the bathroom, despite the gaping hole in the ceiling, made me wish for the clawfoot back. and the tile. and the space. my clawfoot tub. that i picked out. the vanity that suited it perfectly. that i spent my last $300 on, at some point in time.

and i guess it just kills me that we couldn't work it out.

because that house was MINE. and he took it from me. and i wish that i could live there and be in it. without him.

but when i was there, all i wanted was out.

stubborn tea can admit when she's made a mistake.

i should have kicked him out.

i should have stayed in the house.

i wish i could have. but i just couldn't afford it alone.

the truth is, i just couldn't do it.

and hopefully i can buy a house someday, and not think about that one anymore.

but until then, i'll have another little list of regrets that came after the one where i married a self indulgent shithead who ran me off. and who tells everyone that i ran away.

again, harriet... 'i'm not going to cry. i'm not going to cry. i'm not going to cry...'

and then, the tears.

what happens when you stop looking. april 30th.

it seems entirely appropriate.

everything in my life would be different if i had just stopped looking for something.

it's one of those things that is easy in hindsight. from a different perspective.

people always say, 'when you stop looking, it will come to you'.

i hate those people.

but today, i have proof.

i really really needed this money. the tax return.

i was supposed to get it on the 23rd.

and possibly again on the 4th.

after writing the check for the first and last rent today, i was sweating it.

really truly.

and balanced my books. and then went online to verify that i really only have $40 or so leftover.

and there it was.

a $4000 balance.

yes. it is spoken for, in a way.

but holy fucking shit!

i got the keys to my new place with one carful of stuff from my-your apartment.

ever dicked out. what else is new? i was supposed to have everything of mine out of the house tonight. a couch, everything.

and he jacked me around, saying that he really needed me to just do it tomorrow. sometimes i think he's delaying the inevitable.

because once i take all of this shit, i'm sure that i have more there, but i really won't have a reason to go there anymore. puppy aside.

so being the nice person that i am, i agreed. and moving day became taking one load of shit day.

this missing money has been the stress of my week. and when i found out i was supposed to get it on the 4th, i had a mini meltdown. but put that date in my head.

and i wasn't even expecting to see it today.

and there it was.

i can buy a vacuum cleaner. a bed. i can buy a microwave. i can put the credit card away. i'd done so well for the past nine or so months not using it. but had to when the money didn't show up.

i made it.

i'm over the hump. i knew it would be hard to cough up $2100 for the new place. and it was harder than i'd have ever have thought.

i didn't even do anything with the place today.

i loaded up the car only once. kit helped me move that shit up the stairs.

i found it entirely fitting that the first box in, because of the way the car was packed, was the box of journals.

though nina has asked to be the safekeeper of said journals, to end the sadomasochism, i have reluctantly declined. i'll clean out a space in my new closets. and promptly stow them away.

the relief is immense.


i can become what i once was. and lose something that i will never be again. even though it's just a six letter name. it can now become the next thing that i bury. an identity.

it's interesting. for so long i feared losing this last name. i feared losing this identity. being the wife of ever.

and now, i just can't wait to shake it off.

i can't wait to be done with him. be done with it.

fucking MOVE ON with my life.

start over.

i hope ever is happy.

because now...i am.

i have a really really bad headache right now.

and to think that half an hour ago, i was cracking up at kit's. i mean, losing it.

too tired. two beers. an incredibly long and grueling week, because i fired someone and had to work my shifts and his.

i took her to dinner and beer, out of gratitude for helping me today, but more so tomorrow with going to the house.

it's funny, because now i know how alice felt.

she just needed me to go with her. because she didn't want to go in there alone.

and now i want kit to go with me, because i want to be out twice as fast, yes. but i want to not be alone with my thoughts.

so i'm making ever take the dog to the park, and give us a couple hours to get everything out.

tomorrow will be monumental. i will probably sleep there tomorrow night. and from now on.

after thinking that the last night here would be a few days ago, the guy didn't move out until today, the day he had to be out, so i didn't get to go in early.

and today, it was so anticlimactic.

getting the keys, opening the door.

it didn't feel like my-your apartment. i smile when i walk in here.

it didn't feel as clean, or as nice. i didn't have the pride.

there were a lot of things i didn't like about the apartment when i saw it. and i didn't pay attention, because i wrote it off right away.

the kitchen and bathroom were a turnoff. all i remembered was the bathroom.

and for a girl who spends so much of her time in the kitchen, and who cannot function without a shower first thing in the morning, i definitely feel like i got kindof cornered.

i've decided to hang a curtain between the living room and the kitchen.

and i don't know how i'll make it more awesome.


but it is mine. and i'll be there for a long time.

i guess that explains why i was in no rush to get back to it.

and why i goofed off with kit, and then helped her pack and sort until i couldn't anymore.

and didn't have any energy to go back there again, to clean, before filling the place tomorrow.

i don't think the couch will fit.

up the stairs, or inside the place.

what am i going to do?

my family will help me figure it out.

i think i might garden indoors.

i think i might paint a bunch of canvases and cover the walls, since the landlord who claims to be an artist is anti anything other than white paint.

yeah, i got cornered.

and worse yet, i fucking SETTLED.

because i had to. i did it because i had to.

because i decided to leave the man i married. at the worst possible time of year.

because i couldn't take it anymore.

what takes the sting out, is that the building smelled like my favorite indian restaurant.

and you know what? it is MINE. it's not shared. it's not someone else's.

it's all mine.

and i'll make it better than it is.

and it's worth the money i'm saving to have a less than spectacular apartment. because a year from now, i should be very close to being out of debt.

and that is something i haven't been able to say since i was eighteen.

free and clear of ever, too. which is something to hold onto.

i was telling kit at dinner tonight...

it's strange to me that when i'm alone at night, trying to fall asleep, it's not him that i'm missing. i'm missing someone being there, but it's not him. i don't picture him. i don't want him. i don't wish i'd stayed, or wish i hadn't left.

i miss everything he starved me of.

and i do not miss him. and all of his bullshit.

i cannot wait until this is behind me.

and now that the tax return came through, i'm on my fucking way.

taco tuesday. april 27th.

it's strange to write it a second time in two months:

this might be my last night sleeping here.

this is going to be another very scattered post. i can feel it. i'm pretty messy today.

while i'm not in a rush to leave the comforts of kit's sublet, i'm so ready to be in my apartment. fresh start. so i can finally settle in.

only problem being, i don't have internet there.

and a life without internet isn't much of a life at all!

i need it. the internet went out for maybe 45 minutes the other day, and i thought i was going to have a total meltdown. i felt kindof ashamed.

an apartment without a washer and a dryer? less awesome.

i don't watch the cable tv. baseball games with kit is the extent of it.

i don't use the dishwasher as anything other than a dish drying rack.

i sleep on the floor, on a futon pad.

my borrowed time, it seems, has run out.

reflecting on the time i have spent in this apartment, lovingly referred to as both my halfway house and as my-your apartment (as i call it when talking with kit)...

do i take the paper off the windows? the new place has blinds.

i'm one of those weird people who actually enjoys a final scrubbing of the place before leaving. and an initial one at the new place.

i wonder about its quirks.

this place has plenty. i hope they don't drive kit nuts.

i'll miss the refrigerator. roman candles all the time.

i won't miss the elephant man who lives upstairs. who is always awake when i am, whether that is at 5 am or 11 pm, 7 am or 3 am. i think he never sleeps. i think he never works. he just walks the apartment, day in and day out.

i won't miss him tromping up and down the stairs on the other side of my bedroom wall. or the subsequent door slams.

i'll miss the view.

i bet i'll miss the central air in a few months.

living here... it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. the last two weeks have been the worst of it. i really expected death and destruction. a tar-like pit of loneliness.

i'm glad i got the going out every night phase over with. and the drinking too much every night over with. and i'm glad that it only lasted maybe two weeks. i don't know what would have happened if i'd kept it up.

i'm glad that i feel like i've reached some kind of equilibrium while i've been here.

some sense of balance.

speaking of balance, kenna came to visit yesterday.

it was a hectic day. i woke up early to clean my filthy car. and made it to the airport with one or two minutes to spare. it was great timing.

it was day four or five of rain, so driving around all over the city was a bit crazy. and walking in it was less than awesome.

but all in all, it was a pretty good day.

business stuff aside, it was nice to have a friend to talk to. who has been where i am, and who knows. i guess the last time i saw here, i had a feeling this is where i was heading. i remember pulling over to talk to her on the phone in the car one day for probably half an hour. i remember her trip here in the fall. telling her everything. and her telling me she had been there. and to hang in there. and that it would be okay.

but this was the first time i'd seen her since all of that talking had resulted in serious decisions.

and it was nice to laugh and joke with her, because i knew she could relate.

probably my favorite part of the day was going to a cafe that wasn't one of ours. we just sat and talked. it was great. drizzly and cold outside, warm and comforting inside. and then the part right after that, when we left. driving in the car and screaming at the top of my lungs the paraphrased portions of the post with the rant that started with, 'really, fucker? because i'm pretty sure...'

it feels good to be enveloped in a sound proof car and just scream that stuff at the top of my lungs. i never scream like that. it felt great!

needless to say, driving in traffic right after that was not the most fun, but we made it to the airport five minutes ahead of schedule, and she made it home safely.

we got a lot of work accomplished in a small amount of time. and then made time for personal stuff, too.

ah, balance...

that was my monday. it made me feel good about myself. and about the job that i do. and about the person that i work for and with.

everything is a balancing act.

i was supposed to go to the lawyer today and file for the separation and the divorce.

only the lawyer got caught up in a trial, and canceled.

next week will be impossible. i might try to squeeze it in regardless. it might be easier with hugs from my mom.

i won't have time to be sad in the new place. not at first, anyways. my sister arrives in six days. mom and dad arrive in nine.

tomorrow, if all goes according to plans, should be a bustling night of packing the car to the ceiling. all the up and down the stairs with boxes rushing. back and forth at a dizzying pace.

in some ways, it feels like i just did it.

in some other ways, it feels like i have been here for a very long time.

i haven't really thought about where things will go. i don't have much, so what i have will be in obvious places. the green couch from the house will go inside the front door. cubbyhole shelf on the opposite wall. futon pad in the bedroom. desk in the kichen? bedroom? i don't know. i like having it separated from where i sleep. because i work there. and i don't want to work in my bedroom.

like now, typing in bed on the laptop is perfect. because this is relaxing and nice.

there are at least four closets in the new place. there are shelves in the bathroom and the kitchen. so i can store a lot.

i just can't wait to unpack. to really unpack. everything, this time.

and to get the remaining things from the house. i'm not looking forward to that at all. but it is a necessary evil. i have a lot there that i've missed, mostly things for the kitchen, to cook and bake with.

i need to go when no one is home. i don't want to see ever. or talk to him. i want kit to help me, but don't want the two of them in the same room. i like that they are separate. i don't want her to have to see him. i don't want him to speak to me.

and i don't want to see the puppy.

maybe i can go when he takes her to the dog park. that would be ideal.

i don't want to think about that yet. i might put it off again.

it's taco tuesday.

last tuesday, i went to the bar with alice for taco tuesday. and it was awesome.

i made the mistake, three days ago, of making taco meat. in my married life, this would be one solid meal for the two of us. and then leftovers for maybe one snack, where i make a big plate of nachos for lunch.

in an effort to have less to move, and also to not waste food, i've been having tacos. for three days. if i never see a taco again, i'll be okay with that. it's really awful to get burnt on something i like.

for two days now, i've been craving pizza. i think because i know i'm moving. every time i move, there's pizza. and for a couple days after, leftover pizza.

i'm ready for it.

it's cold here. i was outside, having a smoke before climbing into bed. and it made my back hurt from shivering. upper 30s tonight. it's nearly may. it's kindof unreal.

and somehow this weekend, mid 80s? wow.

it's great to move in. all that running around and sweating won't be so bad when it's 60-something out.

i look forward to this. i thought i'd be more sad about leaving.

but i also was very careful to not get attached to this place. because it was so short lived.

which is kindof a funny thing to say. because if i could succeed at applying that to people, i'd be golden.

kit's not intending to sleep here for another week or so, there's no crazy rush for me to leave as i'd anticipated. so i'll just feel it out.

i wonder if there will come a time when i fall asleep to something other than every sigur ros album in a row.

agaetis byurn. hlemmer. takk. (). takk again.

it's hours of music. i feel sometimes like i cannot survive without it.

i sleep with earplugs to drown out that fucking bird that chirps at 5am.

but i have the music so i can barely hear it through the earplugs.

it's funny that the end of ever didn't ruin it for me.

i used to cry every time i heard heysatan. and i guess i started falling asleep to it maybe in november. or december. when things started to go south in a hurry.

it was the saddest thing i'd ever listened to then.

now it just calms me completely.

and it doesn't even make me sad anymore. it's just beautiful.

and i have no idea what the hell jonsi is singing about. but i can imagine...

i looked up two songs. one is about haystacks in a field. the other is about seafarers.

it's so sad to think about what is happening in iceland right now. i've said it before: i don't follow current events at all. i don't watch the news. but i have been looking at pictures of the disaster that is the volcano with the crazy name, erupting. people have been stranded for a couple weeks now, flights are unable to fly from europe, which is downwind apparently.

and the thing doesn't appear to be calming down at all.

maybe if jonsi sang to it, he could lull the thing to sleep. and end the craziness. everything would cool, and go back to the way it was, before. plus or minus a layer of lava rock.

i wonder what it smells like. i imagine it smelling like the metal recycling plant. i drive past it when i go to delaware. i drive past it when i go to the airport. and to one of my stores.

it's such an unusual smell.

one time i changed the brake pads on my car. it kinda smells like worn out brake pads, like following a semi down a steep grade. sometimes i hold my breath, because it can't be good for breathing in.

i wonder if it looks like the scene from the video for vaka. where the children are playing in the ash of the nuclear fallout. that would be terribly sad.

it's been an hour. i've been up since 5. i should probably attempt to read a few pages of jonathan strange, and then attempt to sleep. how i let nate talk me into reading an 800 page book, i'll never know. i wonder what year it will be when i finish it...

and in closing:

the race is on.

between the south and the west coast, there are five packages of cookies floating across the country. i wonder who will receive them first. i love it when i have a good idea. and when it gets a little carried away. i was only intending to send one package with cookies. but i accidentally made like 6 dozen cookies by following the recipe. and shared the wealth.

sad sack. april 25, technically.

post party tea.

it's going to be okay. i'm going to be okay.

tonight made me feel like maybe it's better to have something mediocre than nothing at all.

tonight made me feel like i'm tearing myself apart.

reading old posts and editing made me feel like the writing is really good.

i'm going to be okay.

i was standing out in the rain, with a tree as an umbrella. and something about standing in the rain just makes me feel even more sad.

i can't remember a time ever where i cried until i threw up. or gave myself a nosebleed.

but now i want to cry. and can't.

i usually go to the house on sundays. and i'm not going tomorrow.

i don't want to see ever.

i don't want to think about him after knowing about the dating site thing.

i don't want to tell him i'm doing fine.

i don't want to hear about all the awesome things happening to him.

i don't want to see my dog and say goodbye again.

so i'm not going to.

because i am my own person, and because i don't have to.

reading back, i thought we'd be able to be friends.

but after the week i had, i don't think i can be his friend for a while.

my eyes are burning.

i'm tired.

i want more cake.

i want more beer.

i want to fall asleep and wake up from a romantic dream.

i want to feel better. i want to be happy.

this is so much better than what my life was. but i'm sad.

i knew it was coming. i knew it would be a while. a delayed reaction.

i thought it would be three months. it's been two.

i'm going to be okay.

i did the right thing. for the first time, i really believe it, and nothing ever can say can make me backpedal now.

i'm glad that he did something to make me so angry that i can say that with conviction.

standing in the rain, i thought of more things to add to my list.

i guess the main one is related to being passive, which didn't officially make it onto the list.

because i stopped asking the hard questions somewhere along the way. after asking them and getting hurt so many times.

i just stopped. and missed my chance to find the answers.

should i have stayed with the boy who loved me physically better than anyone else? who i never turned down? who used to carry me to bed? my stubbornness was to blame in that one. because he did realize what he let go, and i wouldn't let him have another chance.

and i haven't felt that way since. i hate the word lover. but he was a lover. he was the best one i ever had.

i guess i was thinking about it because i saw a picture of him (the sun) tonight. how i remembered him, on stage, playing. at the place where coffee worked. where i took him to show him off in an effort to make coffee see that i was a hot commodity. and that if he didn't want to capitalize on that, i had someone who would.

i've come a long way in my journey. reading back showed me that.

i'm glad that i made a decision, and took two days to make it a declaration.

but man... on a night like tonight, it sure feels awful to not have someone to lay in bed next to. to put my head on his chest.

slow, methodically beating heart would put me right to sleep right about now. or just having an arm around my shoulders. a hug that wasn't platonic.

a kiss that lasted for more than two seconds.

i didn't have that with ever, not for a long long time. so it's not like i gave that up or something.

i don't know if i'm going to make it to september. or august for that matter.

but i'm not willing to risk it. so i have to.

goodnight, pillow man.

i love you.