sobfest. september 18th, part two.

today was a day of crying.

starting this morning when i woke up and got the package from my mom.

then i went on my girl date, which was awesome.

and going through 'my story'.

which meant that i thought about and reprocessed again, the ever stuff and the coffee stuff. we were telling the stories of how we knew that it was over, because of how someone else made us realize that we were capable of feeling. excitement, butterflies, feelings. eyes open. i'm not dead. feelings.

missed the wallet both on the way there and out, and didn't go tonight, so whatever. maybe i'll just go next friday. there's really nothing in it that i need anyway.

so i went home, and kit stopped over. and i ended up going to her place and then watching the second half or so of the notebook.

gawd, that movie.

total sobfest.

i knew from watching it once before that it was incredible. and a heartbreaker.

but i forgot the end portion, and the end end.


and the thing is? i think all this crying today is mourning a loss. and though i'm tempted to say that this is my processing coffee being gone before i go back to visit next, i can't really say that it is.

it's more the loss of the idea of it. the loss of the idea of being in love and the idea of a hopeless romantic being out there for me.

the loss of the hollywood ending.

revisit saturn. the fictionalized non-fiction version i wrote about my encounter with coffee in december.

it's the loss of the idea that i had been waiting all that time for something. for him, specifically. and hoping that he had been thinking of me, too.

and though i figured it out in june/july when i was home, he didn't wait for me or want me. he didn't think of me, and certainly not like that.

there was just nothing. and i always wanted there to be something.

but there just isn't.

and when i get really honest with myself, i left ever thinking that something like that could be for me. waiting. and i'd be lying if i didn't say that i wanted to jump straight into a makeout session with coffee as my rebound. make all that time and suckiness and heartache and lost time worth it.

despite trying to keep myself out of situations where rebounds would be occurring.

and because i don't have it, i think i cried tonight a little for that.

because the notebook, the lines, 'i waited for you for seven years. why didn't you write me?', and then, 'i wrote every day.'

it's kinda how i had hoped it would go. i know i could have said those things. but there's no one waiting for me.

and then, tonight, discussing sufjan stevens with nina, i realize that he reminds me of the sun. and i can't even let my mind wander there.

but, suffice it to say, i'm recycling again. and not in the green way. in the, how did my life end up here? how did things not work out for me before? will i ever get sick of not getting what i want, when i want it? will i ever find love again? will i want to?

i hope i still want to.

i hope things start to look up soon.

i just need a bone. ding.

just something small to make me happy for a week and to get me through a few more.

no big deal.

and i'll start trying to convince myself that i don't want that, and that i wouldn't know what to do with it if i had it.

because i still have six months, i think.

and because i need to be alone.

hanging over after loopfest. september 18th.

man. rough night.

and subsequent rough morning after.

so. the show. was amazing! the opener was really awesome. this guy baths. he basically had a premixed set, but sang over it, and used a crossfader and a sampler i guess to add beats over it. it was really good. very dance-y, and for me, something i had never seen before. it made me think of seeing a dj set, in a way. he was really energetic and very crowd friendly, and i liked him better than dosh, who played second.

he was also a one man band. he played through loops also. keys for bass, keys for guitar, keys for keys. xylophone, and i thought he was best on drums. he played everything himself, essentially playing on a square, looping what he played, adding onto it. kit was really excited, because she loves him. i wasn't as into it, but still respected the skill it took to do what he was doing. what i didn't know was that he was the guy who was standing next to me at the bar, drinking shots of whiskey and chasing it with beers.

after the show, i thanked this dude who i thought was dosh. it didn't seem to catch my attention that he had sunglasses in place of a hat, or a blue shirt in place of a red, i saw him watching el ten eleven playing, and just thought it was him after a change of clothes post-show.

in any case, i touched his shoulder, and said, 'thanks. really. that was great.'

i haven't been that embarrassed in a long time. i bet he felt bad for me. he looked at me like i was crazy. and the way that i knew i'd made a mistake as he walked away from me was that he wasn't wearing a wedding band. and dosh was.

i walked out past him, hiding, and telling kit what i'd done.

and then we saw the real dosh. and she told him that she listens to his music at work all the time, and he seemed pretty happy about that.

but i skipped the part that i was there for. el ten eleven was amazing. also with the looping, just a two piece.

so the drummer was really good, but was completely sidelined by the lead guitarist, for lack of a better word.

i knew it would be crazy, because there was a video feed of all the pedals he was using, and his shoes so you could see what he was doing. that, combined with the guitar he picked up. which had a guitar on top and a bass on the bottom. the sounds he was getting out of the bass was blowing my mind. he was playing harmonics on it, only they were high octaves. really strange. all the looping. oh, that, and like sigur, he was playing with a bow for a bit as well.

really talented. really good. danced our asses off.

so, the show was literally a block away from the bbq. we left the show, i had a slight swerve on, kit had more than a slight swerve on. she agreed to walk to the bbq with me to see if boy was there. as we got to the fence, i saw that he was and turned around to get beer as i'd promised before even going in.

so we went to the bar across the street and got some takeout. kit couldn't suffer through my pbr, so she got something for herself. all told, we took 12 beers to the bbq and left after i drank one and a half of mine, and she had almost two of hers.

while we were walking to the bbq, i decided i'd be driving us home. and while we were smoking outside the bar to buy the takeout beer, i got really nervous. it didn't last long, but it was a funny thing to feel. butterflies and nerves over a boy being somewhere that i wanted him to be.

what i think of this morning are the days that i used to show up to this house where my friend erica crashed with her boyfriend. because the boy i liked lived there. walking up to the fence without kim made me feel like that same girl again. because i wasn't there with the person i'd originally gone with, and because i'd brought someone else with me.

only back then i wasn't invited. and this time i worked out the invitation in advance, making sure it was okay to drop by if i brought beer and came later in the night.

in any case, we sat down and had a beer and people started to come back outside of the house and we all played apples to apples again. i did really well this time, three cards instead of just one.

and i left sad, a little earlier than i'd wanted, but the host had called the end of it anyway, before anyone got any drunker. and said goodbye to the collective whole.

there were really no sparks with conor. i was hoping for something, but i didn't notice anything, and kit didn't either.

he did offer me his one card, so i could compete with the leader. and i told him i don't take pity cards. which was funny at the time, to me.

and later, i thought he had too many cards as he had all night, and i called him out, and he held them up for me to count and said 'fuck you'. it wasn't mean, it was funny.

in any case, i would hope for some kind of connection somehow, but i just don't expect it. and kit said he kept looking at this other girl all night, but from last time and this time, i just think it's because they're friends, and they were telling stories about things they have done together, 'remember that time' style.

anyway, it was a sad end to a rough night. we left. i drove us home, though i really probably shouldn't have.

and got into bed, not feeling okay at all. and fell asleep. woke up at 4 dying of thirst, had a glass of water. and again at 7, had another glass of water and some motrin. and woke up at 1045 with a coffee headache.

so now i'm still in bed at 1 on saturday. waiting a few more hours to go on a girl date. it will be nice.

oh. so this morning i checked my phone that i was too spinny to upright myself for in bed last night.

and i had six texts. five were from kit. but one was from kim. telling me that i'd left my wallet at the bbq.

i felt sick, thinking of the what if's of last night.

but more than that, disappointed in myself for dropping it and not noticing.

my bag had fallen over and spilled out at some point. i know smokes fell out. and i put it back together. the other possibility is that i had it in my skirt pocket from buying beer for the bbq. and that it fell out when i had my legs stretched out and propped on table stand.

i don't know. if it wasn't that, then i don't know how it happened. but i honestly can't remember the last time i left my wallet somewhere. it was pretty upsetting to me this am.

so now, luckily my girl date is in that neighborhood. and i have to go by and pick it up on my way over there. i am an idiot.

and then, waking up this morning, groaning a little. making coffee, getting back into bed to drink it while i waited for my headache to go away, a truck pulled up outside. i heard it because my windows are all open.

and i thought, 'i bet that's the package from my mom.'

i was pretty excited, because i was getting back my headphones, and my bra i left home, and my favorite nail polish (the clear yellow stopper one). when i opened the box, i started crying right away.

my mom had made this awesome package for me. it was star themed, and just awesome.

star shaped sunglasses. a planisphere, which i've been meaning to buy. it tells you, by hour and month, which constellations are up. it's really super handy. a ton of candy, also star themed. mars, starburst. star shaped cookies made from scratch. and star themed silly bands. which i have yet to own, and think are a little silly. but now, i own some. and of course, there's a saturn shaped one.

it was a really cute package. she drew stars on the card and around my name, and the little black erase board she sent. i know how much time she put into it, and i thought it was really sweet. and the card said that she knew i'd been having a hard time and that she knows it will get better and easier soon.

i love my mom. even when i don't talk to her, she knows that i'm having a hard time.

i wrote it here. this was a depressed week for me. i laid around in bed a lot. wrote a lot. read a lot. drank a couple beers every day. but that's nothing new.

and i think that maybe i feel myself coming out of it a little.

but i was disappointed that last night didn't go better, and that the way i felt the first night wasn't really matched again. it was a lot of fun. and i am sure i'll go again. but maybe next time i won't let my expectations be set so high.

i shaved. i wore a skirt, despite the fact that it was a really cool night. i was excited for the bbq since the last one three weeks ago. and i had really hoped that he would talk to me more. and now i'll just be okay with not even hitting it off as friends. or something.

it's time for me to get out of bed. and into the shower. get ready for a girl date and a wallet pickup driveby. and then take a break before going to that party with kit tonight.

hopefully today is better than last night. and regardless, the party is in our neighborhood, so we can theoretically get into as much trouble as we want, but will both probably take it a little easier than we did last night.

that show was really good. i was watching a video of a live performance of the last song baths played. it's called 'plea' and i want more of his stuff. when his set was over, kit said that the last song made her think of coffee. she said his name, and i said 'coffee who?'

thinking she was referring to one of the other coffees in her world.

and she said 'you and coffee'. it caught me off guard. my first thought-reaction was 'there IS no me and coffee', then my stomach dropped, and i made her explain why she thought that. because the only lyrics that i'd heard were 'please tell me you need me' and something about a future.

but she had heard 'please tell me you need me home' and it made her think of one of the things i've been thinking of a lot this week.

i guess it kindof set up the sadness factor to add to the bbq sadness factor. i'm glad i had a little cry this morning. i had a two second cry at the end of a fringe the other night, because it was a beautiful ending, that i didn't see coming. but this morning was a weepy cry that waxed and waned until i called my mom to thank her. she asked what was wrong, because she could tell i was crying and i just said that it made me cry and that i loved it.


enough of that.

shower. finish second cup of coffee. wallet. girl date. GO.

polishing a turd. september 17th.

i was hard at work today, cracking up because i couldn't get the phrase 'polishing a turd' out of my head.

because that is what i spent my entire day doing. all eight hours of it.

that, and fighting the urge to do passive aggressive things and curse some people out.

never in my life have i seen so many suits trying to look busy while standing around, supervising. because there was nothing to supervise.

it was ridiculous.

and i fumed, while i did more work than all ten of them combined. while they watched me work, and talked in hushed voices while stealing glances at me.

this isn't paranoid speak. this is what was really happening. and they were being obvious and shady.

all of this, because they don't want us around, and would much rather have all the cash flow on their end.

they tried to cast us out. and when our customers flipped out about it, they backed off.

they are screwing themselves in a couple ways. it is going to be cold soon. and they're only offering soup, sandwiches, and coffee, and pastries. the same pastries we sell. and *bux coffee. remind me again why we're even there. oh, and tea. the same tea we sell. and they're undercutting our prices on everything. and jacking up the prices on all of their lunch items. this is what was being discussed amongst them.

that, and my polished turd.

i think they are going to kill their traffic, which will in turn kill our traffic.

i give it a month.

all this work.

all this time and effort.

and meanwhile, because they excluded us from the plans to update the room we share in the hospital, our same tired cart from 1992, in all its green marble laminate glory, has seen better days a decade ago. and now we stick out like a sore thumb. a gangrenous sore thumb.

but today, a friend helped me discover hyperbole and a half.

it is awesome.

this is lodged in my brain:

"Then I realized that I was sitting in a Safeway parking lot, consumed by anxiety over whether some fictional being that grants wishes was going to screw me out of my wish through a technical loophole involving death, brain damage or prolonged unconsciousness.

It made me feel slightly uncomfortable that I'm the person making all the decisions about my life."

it was a mini comic about a shooting star, and making a wish.

and i have had this internal dialogue with myself so many times. sometimes, they're birthday wishes, or 11:11 wishes. it's pretty funny stuff. and that last line kills me.

getting ready for the show. and the subsequent bbq.

fingers crossed.

laundry with lightning. september 16th.

so today i did laundry. and took the opportunity to read the book nina lost under the front passenger seat in my car.

i walked to the laundromat with tiny drops of rain falling, and by the time i asked for $15 in quarters, there was a monsoon. lightning and all. it was really nice.

usually, i'd be annoyed at the rain, when i wanted to read and smoke at the same time. but today, it cooled things back off (it was in the lower eighties today), and i do like to hear the rain pelt the sidewalk.

after the day i had yesterday, it was nice to have a manageable day at work, to come home, and to realize that, if i started laundry at five, i'd be done by seven.

that was the right answer. now i don't have to do it this weekend.

i love setting myself up for a relaxed weekend.

and washing my sheets just means a clean slate.

i keep thinking of that line i wrote a while back. something about no boy passing through my space. because there are no boy smells in my space.

for the days that chalk visited, there was. polo, actually. and it was nice to notice.

and nice for about an hour, post-airport, to still smell that. but it fades quickly. and now all that's left is a pair of his boxers in my underwear drawer, which i have worn a few nights and laundered more than once.

so it goes.

on to the next one.

and reading the graphic novel, i realize that this is the direction i should go with some of my writing, as far as the next project.

i wrote this story a long time ago. of course, it was about coffee. i don't even have it anymore, but nina illustrated a few lines from it and put it in her zine, and i think that was a great idea at the time, but i just couldn't do more with it then. and i think that this task will be much greater. but if i break it down into manageable pieces, i don't see why i can't take a stab at drawing this way. and letting a few of my friends take a stab at it as well. each piece could be drawn by one person, most of my friends are much better artists than i am. and giving them each a little piece to work on might be pretty awesome.

i think it's a good idea.

and i'm grateful to the laundromat and nina's misplaced book.

i love being inspired.

so tomorrow may or may not be the next bbq.

i hope it is. but i haven't heard yet whether there will be one.

at a minimum, i'm supposed to tag along with kit and kim to a show that is a couple blocks from the bbq. and after that, it would be very very easy to swing by and see if anyone interesting is there. like, perhaps, conor.

a little too excited at the possibility? and maybe the allure will be gone the second time i see him, a new trend for me.

and maybe it's a little immature, but i already know what i will wear.

maybe it's time to talk about my reputation at work.

because today, pam and kim were cracking me up, and i am still thinking about it.

pam has a few phrases she uses, to describe things that i do.

one would be, 'just because it has dressing, doesn't make it a salad.'

that's from my atkins days.

and it has something in common with the one she came up with today, telling me that i was eating a 'garbage sandwich'.

or as her sister, kim, called it, a 'butt sandwich'.

i am known for not wasting food. if something is too old to sell, i will usually eat it.

if something is a scrap from something else, i'll eat that, too.

today, i was making italian sandwiches. and the butt of the salami, the end piece, and the butt of the mozzarella cheese, was turned into a delicious italian sandwich for lunch.

yesterday, i got hummus on the cucumbers i was slicing. and i couldn't use them on anything else, so i threw those in a container with some cheese scraps. and that was my lunch.

so pam loves to say that i eat trash.

i'm giggling now.

because it's true.

we have to cut the tips off of all the hoagie rolls, too. so there are cute little bread nubbins during sandwich time, too. and every time i pass by, i take one from the pile and eat that.

it's all perfectly fine to eat.

though i have had bites of cakes that were not quite so. sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

slightly stale food at work has become a lifestyle for me, i guess.

what's retarded is that, at home, i throw away food all the time. i buy things with good intentions, and either put off eating them or forget about them until they are well beyond the point of being consumed.

yet, at least six or seven times, i've taken home bananas that are completely brown, and thrown them in my fridge or freezer to make banana bread out of. about half the time, i'd say i actually do it. the other half? in my trash.

blame it on my guilt complex. i hate wasting food.

and though they're imposters, the homeless squatters that hang out on corners between my apartment and work, they're probably hungry and would eat the food that we throw away. and i've given them pretzels and bananas before on more than one occasion.

but i just think it's so sad to waste food that is beyond it's freshness date, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

i was telling the girls today, that back in the days of the warehouse, the dudes used to go dumpster diving at trader joes. because they throw so much food away.

one night, i didn't know and i wouldn't have gone anyway, but they had a caviar party. with several hundred dollars' worth of caviar rescued from trader joe's the day it expired.

i guess the trick was to go right after they close, at night. a friend of mine used to go there all the time. i think he had a friend on the 'inside' who would tip him off when there was perfectly good food being thrown out.

in any case, i'm discovering that i'm more like my grandmother, who reuses her own aluminum foil. she actually unwraps things, washes the foil, and reuses it.

i'm not at that point yet, but i do recycle absolutely everything, and it's a pet peeve to find recyclable things in the trash, no matter where. work, home, out. wherever. and i will collect trash and recyclables in my car, because i hate throwing them in regular trash. and sometimes someone will be in my car, and it's just too embarrassing, so i'll actually cave, and throw things away.

but i really hate doing it. and feel bad afterwards.

that's my silly confession for the day.

a more interesting confession is that i spent about 20 minutes on hometown craigslist tonight. as in, for the last twenty minutes.

what i found is that there are a few jobs in coffee and bartending fields, and that they are part time.

what i also found is that there are apartments in the area i'd want to live, and that they're pretty expensive. there was one that was reasonable.

it's interesting.

living here, i've been mostly protected from economy fallout. i mean, i know by the amount of resumes i receive when i post a job that there are people looking for jobs here, too. but things down home are pretty rough. and that sales at all of my stores are down.

one thing i know is that i won't move home without having a job lined up. and in talking to aubree tonight, i think that what will probably end up happening, is that i'll get a storage unit here. and move myself and my car and my clothes, things i can't live without, down there. and see what happens after three months. or six.

because i don't want to realize that i've made a mistake that will cost a few thousand dollars to undo. i'll stick to one of those in this lifetime.

and who knows if i'll even still want to go come may.

but this seems like the best thing to do. the best and safest way to do it.

this has been a tired, depressed week. no matter how much sleep i get or don't get, how fitful or sound it is, whether it's been helped by nyquil or not, i guess those things are not factors.

i don't remember dreams i've had since i left dark sky. all i know is that i haven't been sleeping well, and that i haven't felt rested when i wake up.

i'm really glad that it's nearly friday. that i can wake up when i wake up tomorrow, and go to sucky store and move everything out and into the old location.

it will be a rough day, but hopefully it will be busy and won't go by slowly. and then, a nice weekend is waiting for me.

tomorrow will be good. with or without a bbq run-in.

and saturday, i'm attempting to make a new friend.

i'm having drinks with a girl i met at the last bbq, actually. she also just ended a seven year relationship, and we talked some that night. she asked if i wanted to grab a drink and talk more, because it made her feel better to have someone to talk to who is going through what she is. i feel like i wrote about this yesterday. ugh. i hate repeating myself. maybe i'm thinking of telling nina about it.

in any case, we're having drinks and early dinner on saturday. then i'm going to a party with kit. a party of penn students. and i'm pretty excited about that. it's thrown by a couple boys, so i'm pretty sure it will be something like a sausage fest. though kit will know most of the boys there, and can warn me about the ones to steer clear of, it will be fun to look.

party, party, party. kinda like the last first bbq weekend.

i'm sure i'll drink too much.

and not drive anywhere.

and i'm sure i'll have fun.

and sleep in.

that's what i look most forward to every weekend. the bit about sleeping in.

it's almost here.


what the shit? sept 15th.


so my day started out fine. easy, even.

a call in the evening yesterday from my student dentist said she had a cancellation for today. so i took it. it was set for 130. i started to say no, but she said it's a quick visit, not a cleaning yet. to come in for a periodontal exam, so i can get set for fixing my cracked tooth, and for a cleaning, and for some fillings.

apparently my last dentist in florida sucked fucking ass, because i have two defective fillings. really, three. because one is between my two front teeth on the backside.

and my cracked tooth was left for too long. so i found out today that i have to get a root canal. $450 in two weeks. that's my florida money and wedding money for ash and dave all in one little two hour? procedure. great.

i also learned today that i have a severely deviated septum. she said, 'if you don't have trouble breathing, i don't know what it would mean to you.' because i know that people get nose jobs for them. but not what it means other than that.

kit says it means i don't sleep well. this explains a lot. i assume it's also why i snore sometimes.

i don't know. what was supposed to be a quick appointment ended up being two and a half hours. and if someone tells you you're going to get this periodontal exam, buckle up. the shove a probe into your gums between your teeth to measure receding gums. i also learned today that i have been brushing my teeth wrong all my life, because mine are severe. and because it's at a dental school, after she probed front and back, her doctor came and did the whole thing a second time. it SUCKED ASS.

and because my xrays revealed a curved root, only a doctor can do my root canal. with the aid of a microscope. cannot wait. september 27th is my new least favorite day of this year.

this is what i get for ignoring my teeth for seven years. won't be doing that again.

and my cleaning is on the 23rd. because the surgery isn't a good idea when your teeth are 'dirty'. sigh, again...

so i was supposed to be back at work by about 230, but didn't get back until 4. worked until 530, and got home.

luckily, there was a bright spot in my day.

the writer took time out of his busy life to scan and upload the pictures he took of me back in april.

and they were really really cool.

four of them were really creepy. unfocused, with just dark gaping holes where my eyes are. one of them is in focus. the one where he told me to look up at him with my head still down. and i look like i just finished killing someone behind the bar. really crazy.

but the three that he took in a more traditional fashion are really quite nice.

quite flattering. despite the fact that i look pretty nervous, because i was.

and the one i love the most? the first one he took of me against the sink. his reflection is in the mirror, but isn't focused. and i have this look on my face. i don't know what it is, but i have no worry lines, and the slightest hint of a smile. he was talking to me. asking me questions.

i love it.

it made my day suck a lot less, even though my teeth still hurt while i looked at them.

other than that, i told kit today that i keep thinking of coffee and his moving.

and that there's no feeling associated with it. i'm not sad or heartbroken. i just have random thoughts. like, 'they're going to HATE the winter.' or, 'it's a big city for someone who thinks that (hometown) is a city.' and, 'he just said that (hometown) is home and that he never wanted to live anywhere else.'

i don't know. obviously, it's none of my business. but the thing is, i can't help but to think of it, and to try to understand it in my own little way. the shock of this summer was too much. and now this? it makes even less sense than that.

and other than those things, i don't know that there's much else to write about. i keep thinking of the skies above other little sleepy towns that are nice and dark. and wondering if i could ever live someplace where the skies get that dark, because it correlates with seclusion. and i feel like i need a city.

i didn't look at apartments down home yet. maybe because i'm delaying what i might find when i finally look.

i have romantic notions about where i'd live, and what my house would look like. because i'd rent a house, if i have my way.

and in light of the day i had today, i didn't really think about anything outside of the little disasters inside my mouth.

dan must have sent me eight text messages today, all about things i ordered too much of, not enough of, things they're out of. and i only see them as little passive aggressive lines of 'i did this better than you.'

if it weren't for the ???? and !!!! following each of his comments, i'd have been a lot less pissed off.

but the thing is, he was coming to our store to borrow stuff pretty much daily. so when he did the ordering, he just fixed it. now that i'm doing it, he has apparently forgotten how to do that, and now needs me to tell him to.


i hope he quits. really soon.

when i had had my fill, i said, 'if you have comments or questions, just tell me when i get over there. thanks!!!!'


and when i went, i said, 'are you okay? you seem to be a bit panicky or freaked out. just take what you need like you did before. not a big deal.'


being burnt on my job is an understatement.

if i wasn't so hellbent on going home and moving home and saving up all this money, i would probably be looking for a ticket out. but at this point, i need to keep on keeping on, and suffering through this until i get to may.

the only thing making me feel any better about christmas at home and moving is that the company owes me $1100 in mileage, which i will get as soon as we are back to being okay again financially.

i shouldn't have to wait for it, because it was owed to me starting a year ago. but at the same time, i can't order coffee right now for our coffee shops because we can't afford to pay the bills. not fun.

i keep thinking about the space station fly over at dark sky, too.

how crazy it was to see and recognize as being bigger than any of the tens of satellites that you see when the skies are dark enough. and realizing that there were people living in the thing that flew high above us. maybe in my next life i'll be smart enough to be a space traveler.

i was pretty suprised when i asked someone if he'd go out into space knowing he would never come back, and he answered no. funny thing is, i can't remember now if i asked coffee or chalk. i think it was chalk. and i think the reason why i was surprised is because he doesn't have too many ties here, and isn't at all phased by thinking about his own demise. i think it might have been coffee, because he's equally obsessed with what's out there.

i think it would be hard for me to do, but that i'd do it. ask me again when the opportunity arises. i bet i'd change my mind.

it would be pretty hard to leave everything behind. but i'm so obsessed, i think i might be crazy enough to do it.

for the sake of learning and seeing and knowing first hand what really exists out there.

thinking about that is so much easier than thinking about which city i want to reside in. and that makes no sense at all, whatsoever.

and how is it, exactly, that i work so hard and still seem to find a way to be completely broke? until the sale of the house, i will never be anything more than a heaping pile of growing debt.

growing debt. with bad teeth.

who wants french fries for dinner. and ice cream for dessert.

and a boyfriend. right about now.

from last night, late. and tonight. sept 14th.

maybe i was wrong when i thought that this trip to dark sky didn't inspire me.

because this is what i've been doing for the last hour or so.

i've been compiling a mental checklist of places i want to go.

including, but not limited to:

texas star party, prude ranch / mcdonald observatory, mt locke

winter star party, florida keys

a california trip (easily two weeks):

joshua tree
glacier point, yosemite
mojave national preserve
kings canyon
mt diablo
death valley
lassen volcanic

binghamton, ny

cherohala skyway,smoky mountains (by gma's house)

and the best spot in the country: utah's natural bridge

again. with the feeling like i have nothing to say.

i canceled my shrink appointment for thursday. because i feel like i have nothing to say. and i don't have the $35 to spend on the visit.

one thing i've been thinking:

i think that the charm of florida is partially due to thinking that i'll be able to afford to travel. a lot.

and in that ability, thinking that i'll find the next place i want to go.

interesting that i've never gone anywhere alone. i'd be doing that after i move home. whether it's to portland in the spring or summer before i move, or somewhere else, i can do it. and i will do it. just to say that i did it. to prove to myself that i can.

portland has been a 'thing' lately. but part of me is hesitant to go somewhere that i know a few people. because of the tendencies i have to attach myself to the people i know.

but i think more than anything else, this is when i thought i'd be going there. if i hadn't spent all my vacation time in florida this summer, i'd be getting ready to go there now. it's come up in conversation lately, and people i know have gone there recently, and everyone says that i'll love it. and that they can see me loving it there.

i was writing here that boston should be checked out. it's about as cheap to fly there from florida, only it's expensive to live there. maybe it's only good for a visit.

maybe my next move after florida will be out of the country. what a crazy thing to think, much less put in writing.

but really. there is nothing stopping me. kit pointed it out at the bar last night. 'you can go anywhere.' because no one is stopping me. and i have nothing keeping me here, once i leave phila and kenna's company.

last night i was in bed early. and felt sleepy around 930. but couldn't fall asleep, and got up to have a smoke. i wanted a beer, but denied myself another after the two at happy hour with kit.

and then i was up until after midnight.

i stumbled into something last night.

our high school has a page on fb devoted to people in our class who have died. and i found, in our class, the ghost. someone had finally uploaded pictures of him and i was surprised to see who had written something under them.

i fell asleep thinking of what i wanted to write.

and about the pictures i have to put with the others.

i was a good stalkerly girl, in high school.

i was on yearbook. and one of the perks was access to the reject pictures. i stole a few of him, before he died. and so i have a few that are really nice pictures. that i want to add to the two that are up.

in any case, i thought it was nice that i'm not the only person who still thinks of him all this time later, and that i'm not the only person who thought that was the saddest day ever, and really couldn't find the words i want to say, but know that there will be some.

and i was afraid that thinking of him would lead to dreaming of him. for as long as a month. and when i couldn't fall asleep, i remembered that night i couldn't sleep in the apartment he died in.

and i wondered if i couldn't sleep because he was here.

but he wasn't here.

and i don't remember my dreams now, but he was not in them.

it's so sad to me. to think of it now. and i have this ink permanently on my skin for him. and memories that will fade if i don't re-read them and remember them.

the day of his funeral. it's forever memorialized now in my first and only novel. i was laying in bed last night, thinking that it's nice that i named my main character after him, and that i made the memories i have of his funeral a part of the story as well.

and then i remember.

i wrote that novel.

and like everything else in my life, i did nothing with it.

i start everything. i finish nothing.

and then i remembered my grandiose dream to take the first six or so months of this blog and turn that into a book.

and wonder if it would be interesting to anyone other than me.

because i think that when people don't finish your novel, it's only because you didn't write it well enough to make them.

even my mom didn't get to the end of it.

i'm sure the same would be true of the blog-book.

i know the novel needs a re-write.

and maybe now that i spend all this time laying around alone, not going out in an effort to save money, i should get back to it.

but i really liked it how i wrote it, save for adding a couple things toward the end.

and i also think that i only wrote it for me.

so it doesn't matter really, what other people think of it.

i was thinking about this instead of sleeping last night.

and i'm laying here thinking about it again tonight.

i think it's starting to get to me that i don't know what i want to do with my life.

i mean, sitting across from coffee, and having him tell me that florida needs me, what i want to do, and that it would support it, because there's nothing like it. it all sounded so great at the time, even after the word 'girlfriend' came out of his mouth.

and i think i'm back to where i was, the day i was writing with the writer all day. wondering if my dream is really my dream.

wondering if moving home and bartending for a while will be anything more than a boring job where i kill time and make money without the responsibility of keeping a small business afloat weighing on my shoulders.

all i know is that i feel like my time here is running out. i worry about my job daily, because the company is struggling, and i'm the highest paid person. in some ways i feel irreplaceable. and in some other ways, i feel like i'm the fat that will get trimmed.

i know that ever is a huge source of stress for me, and that being as far away from him as possible is tempting.

but i also know that i could up and move, in the summer, to another part of this city instead. a new neighborhood, and start over there. and wait another whole year until the business with the house is settled. and see if i change my mind.

maybe it's my stubborn nature that makes me want to wait this out and stay here. one person in this huge city shouldn't dictate whether i stay or go. and i do love it here.

but the part of me that is ready for a change thinks my time here, for now, is up.

and if i put my things in a storage unit for six months, and move home for six months, and then come back and see how i feel, then so be it.

i'm afraid to move everything down there, until i know for sure. it's such an effort, such an expense.

but i also feel like if i live here beyond summer, i don't know that i'd leave my job. and i think that is a big change that i'm seeking.

i just don't know.

i don't know what to do with my life.

and at 32, i shouldn't be saying that. much less, putting it in writing.

yet i am.

nothing lights me up inside.

nothing makes me want to get started now.

sometimes i think i have it. and i guess my fear is becoming like my friend who has a bunch of business ideas and spends too much money on all of them, only to end up with another idea in another month. and nothing to show for any of them, other than a pile of business cards and websites for companies that don't actually exist.

money doesn't come that easily for me. and there aren't many things that really interest me enough to start a business.

beer and coffee interest me. i know a lot about coffee, and a little about beer.

but i think i'm a little burnt on coffee. though mixing the two could be a bit of fun.

i know how to run a business.

i've got that going for me.

i guess one of my irrational fears (or is it healthy?) is that i'm afraid to start something. sink money into it; mine, my parents', whatever. and then realize that i don't give a shit and don't even want to do it anyway.

i have chased a few dreams. and at the end of the line, or better yet, where i am now, i am no closer to any of them. i don't know what i want.

and i know that i should be allowed some time to just live and be. and figure it out. but i'm also afraid of making a drastic decision (changing jobs, changing location) and being dead wrong about it.

i know.

there's no rush.

i have until may, most likely.

and why i'm stressing on this in september, i don't honestly know.

i think it is about having a plan of attack. and something to work toward.

maybe i do what i did before ever and i moved up here.

maybe i look for places to live in florida. see what i see. and think about how i could make it work.

try it on. virtually.

and see where that takes me.

empty. sept 13th.

there were a couple things i forgot to write about, from the star party.

one was seeing jupiter. it was so bright and big in the sky that when i saw it through the scope, my night vision in the eye i saw it through was completely shot for a good ten minutes.

it was incredible, though. and worth the loss of vision. you could see the red streaks (equatorial bands) in the scope. quite pretty. last time, mars was merely a little dot, no detail, not quite as exciting as i had hoped. but jupiter this time did not disappoint.

the other was 'ding'. it's a substitute for 'that's what she said'. much shorter, sweeter, and to the point. when with middle aged men who are fathers of teenagers, we were ding-ing every five minutes. it was funny.

i spent all of yesterday in bed. i even took a nap when i couldn't keep my eyes open any longer in the afternoon. i wrote a lot, read a little, and really just laid around all day.

this head cold took a lot out of me. i unloaded some of the stuff from the car first thing in the morning. i couldn't find the energy to do the rest then, so i finished it around 5, and then kit and i went to the indian buffet.

i guess i was in the shower when i thought of it. it seemed like it would help clear out my head cold. i guess it seemed like the equivalent of chicken soup.

and it was good. it was great, actually. i left stuffed, and got back into bed.

and fell asleep early. again. and woke up tired, but feeling less sick, and that was the point i guess.

i guess i had a lot of time to think yesterday, what with all the laying in bed. and the total lack thereof in the mountains.

and i thought about moving home a little.

i guess i'm trying to think about it at this interval. and i keep wondering if i should schlep all my stuff down there. what if, after a few months, i'm ready to go somewhere else? what if i feel stuck and claustrophobic once i'm there? what if nina's right, and i'm not happy there? what if i should be anywhere but there?

i can't really figure it out. christmas there will help. because i can take another stab at two weeks home, and see what i get out of it this time.

everything just feels so effortless when i'm there, and that's not exactly what i want to go for. i don't want to be bored. but i also don't know what i feel like doing. and i know already that i can't live at home. i'd only be willing to do that for a month at most. and i think that much time would make me slightly crazy.

if nothing else, i had intended to use coffee for meeting people, and finding a job in a bar, and getting networked in business-wise. and i wouldn't be honest if i didn't admit that i wanted a little gathering, a welcoming party of sorts.

there's so much time. i shouldn't even be thinking of it. or him. but it's such a mystery to me.

i guess that i'm just dealing with it in my own way now. because instead of being really sad about him leaving there, and kissing those silly teenage dreams goodbye, now i just feel a little disappointment. it will be interesting to see what happens over the next few months, as far as how i feel about it. how much or how little i think about it.

i guess that's the beauty of closure. what little bit i didn't seal up when i was home this summer is all i'm left to contend with. the rest of it has taken care of itself. which is a huge relief.

and as for the rest, i don't know why i've been thinking about ever so much, i guess because of getting the agreement in my email and thinking about it since. i keep having random thoughts, mostly caused by the guilt i feel for being so much happier than i was.

i spent a while talking to kit about it on the way back from the mountains.

i'll have a fleeting thought of 'i wonder if he's happier' or 'i wonder what he's doing' from time to time. and what i hear in my head more than anything else, is him saying (just before i moved out), 'it's never okay when a wife leaves her husband'.

and for whatever reason, i assume it's my guilt, i just keep re-realizing that i left my husband. i left him. and i walked away from him. and my marriage. and though it makes sense, and i know i needed to, it still feels very foreign. because my life right now just feels like a continuation of how it should have been about ten years ago. like this was the next step i should have taken, as opposed to getting married and moving away.

it almost feels like the marriage never happened at all.

and while i'm partially content to let it feel that way, i wonder how it is that it can feel that way.

my marriage was very real. it was seven years of my life that i won't get back now. and what makes so little sense to me is how it can honestly feel like a bad dream that i woke up from. how can almost ten years of my life condense down into a 15 page document that doesn't cover anything really? how can it become a little stack of papers that costs $900?

when will it be over? when will he forgive me? when will he move on?

i can only worry about what i can control and my half of things. i can't worry about him anymore.

because i left him. because he was a horrible husband.

and because i deserve better than that. i didn't deserve an anchor. i didn't deserve to be taken advantage of.

i'm glad i woke up from that dream and left. but it still feels like something that never actually happened at all. and if i do move home, i think it will be a continuation of that feeling. then it will really never feel like i went anywhere or did anything else.

maybe what i should be thinking of is, if not phila, then where? from here, new york makes the most sense. but i can't afford to do that, and i wouldn't want to pay so much for everything. if i was going to do that, i'd just go to san francisco. it's so far, though. and i don't want to be that far from home. phila has been perfect in that way. just a short flight away. or a full day's drive.

there are places i want to visit. portland. boston. seattle. but besides boston, they aren't options for moving.

i need to be in touch with alice's roommate, so i can look into that. i think that will be the ticket for me, or at least a good place to start.

i think more than anything, what i look forward to the most is not worrying about who is around.

and what i dread the most is moving everything down south and then wanting out and moving it all again.

kit asked an innocent enough question the other day. and all this time later, i still don't know how to answer it.

she asked me what i want to do with my life.

and i do not know.

just when i think i have it all figured out, something changes and then i question myself and my motivation and my deep seated desires.

i really don't know what to do or where to do it.

i don't know if i want what i think i want anymore.

it's like i've stopped trusting myself since i left ever. or that i'm just really fickle and don't think that what i want today is what i'll want in a month from now.

back to feeling unsettled, i suppose. i probably feel this way about once a month. and that's when i decide to think about it. at the time when there's absolutely nothing comes to mind. so i think about not thinking. and write about not thinking.

stopping. now.

and back to reading, because this is a lot of writing without anything to say.

more dark skies. sept 12th.

i don't know why.

maybe it's because i got sick. maybe it's because nothing is really sinking in.

my head is clear of thoughts. my mind is not racing.

and i don't know how.

starting with friday...

work was easy. i ended up driving to sucky store to collect paperwork and money. and back to the other stores to work for a bit. did the banking. whatever. no big deal.

kit was running behind with science, so we got a late start out of town.

when we finally got on the road, i had already been stressing on getting there in time.

they'll lock the gate so cars can't come in after dark, plus we had to pitch our tent before it got dark. because when it's dark at dark sky, it is DARK at dark sky. there are no lights to help.

in any case, we did get caught in some traffic, and i'm only writing about this to set the stage for the craziness a little further up the road.

so the last time we went here, i got that speeding ticket on the way home. and because i'm a worrier, i spent the entire drive up thinking that there were cops hiding in every clearing, just waiting to ticket me. add that to the fear that the gates were going to be locked when we got there. one makes me slow down, one makes me want to speed up. and then the gps was trying to take us the most direct route, which was on that insane busted up road we took to get there last time.

so we had a mini detour and had to go a little out of the way. the sun was setting quickly at that point, and kit had picked up on the tension in the driver's seat and was helping me to not panic, and coming up with a plan, in the case that there was a problem at the gate.

the other part of the stress was in regards to the weather. it had changed throughout the week, and constantly throughout that day. it said clear skies all weekend the whole week. but on friday, it said clear skies friday, rain on saturday. then switched to be cloudy friday and saturday, rain on sunday.

there was no point in worrying about it. whatever the weather did was what the weather would do. so as we were driving up into the mountains, there were clouds everywhere, and we were both trying to have faith that it would all clear out in time for good seeing that night.

add another part of minor stress to the weekend. it was more kit's concern than mine, but once we were there after dark, i was afraid that we wouldn't make any new friends in time to 'borrow' telescopes that night.

it's a funny thing, meeting people in the dark.

you get to know their voices, but you can't see any part of their faces. i guess you can kindof get profiles with starry skies as the background. but other than that, you really are having entire conversations and spending time with someone who could be anyone.

by some miracle, we got into the park while there was the slightest bit of light left. i shut off the headlights and rolled into the campground as people were already using their red flashlights to get around. we got registered and back into the car. the grounds were packed. packed, packed.

we drove to the back of the grounds, furthest from the bathrooms, and into a slot where the car and tent would fit.

and we hauled ass setting up the tent. it was quite impressive teamwork, and i think kit and i had the tent assembled and somewhat staked down in under 15 minutes. we were racing and somehow managing not to get snippy with each other.

we set up our stuff inside the tent and then started to walk around the grounds, trying to scope out a camp to invade. we hadn't lucked out with good neighbors. the guy next to us had two eight year old boys with him, and didn't seem too thrilled about it.

i don't know which point it was, but it was pretty early on, this guy had a guide on his telescope (a 20 inch, big enough to require a ladder for viewing), so it was making mechanical noises, and as we walked in front of it, kit said 'don't shoot, don't shoot', joking with the operator. he had said something about it following her that i didn't hear, and that ended up being our ticket in.

we were walking to the food tent, i guess. and came back by and stopped to talk to the guys at this camp. and within an hour or so, if i had to guess, we were walking back to our camp to get cake to share, and then another hour or two later, to get our camping chairs and 'move in'.

so there were two men, paul and pat. they were maybe 40 and 50 respectively (i'm awful at guessing ages), and paul had his 13 year old kid with him.

pat was hilarious. like last time, there were a few jokes that had us laughing to tears this trip. it was his awesome scope that we were stealing glances through. it was programmable, so he'd plug in an object and the thing would go directly to it. it was fast and spot on every time.

so this time, in addition to the things that we saw last time, we got to see some new objects.

and we saw some of the same objects with more clarity, which made them feel like new all over again. the veil nebula was just incredible. and it was pat's favorite, so we spent a lot of time there. we saw this beautiful blue nebula, and a blinking nebula. i don't know what the deal was with that, but it had a central star in it, so if you looked at the star, the nebula would disappear. and when you took your focus off, it would come back, hence the name. it was really cool.

we saw andromeda galaxy again, and a ton of other messier objects, m33, m31, m11. so many open clusters and globular clusters. we saw the crab nebula, which pat insisted on calling the smashed cockroach nebula, because it was just a blob, and didn't look like anything other than a smudge. we saw the cigar galaxy in the same view as another galaxy, but i forget which one.

the list was a mile long of things we saw.

but the thing that we knew we'd be waiting up all night for was the orion nebula. orion wasn't going to come up until 4 am, so we were in it for the long haul. saying as we'd both been up at that point for 21 hours, and had each only gotten 4 and 6 hours of sleep before that, we were exhausted. my throat was sore, and that was probably about the time that i got a nasty little surprise in the form of the dot. and what was funny is that now i'm synced up with kit, and that it explained my short fuse with chalk and attitude problem these last few days.

we were the first camp crashers. there were more. and all of them sucked. one guy was camped across the street, he was a photographer, and was taking pictures of the veil nebula over the course of an hour and a half. we called him moles-tache. his voice was annoying, and the only detail of his face either of us could pick up on was a big mustache. he was a creeper, and kept talking to us. i managed to ditch him, but kit couldn't seem to shake him, and when i finally attempted to get her away from him, they both informed me that the food vendor had shut down for the night. eventually, he showed us his setup, and then we were free of him.

there was a couple, the girl was from phila, and they were out of control, talking about getting off from what they were seeing in the scope. they were obnoxious and loud, and kit and i sat in our chairs while they were around.

and then there was this guy and his daughter. and i picture the brother in law from national lampoon's christmas vacation in my mind, because we couldn't see them at all. but this guy was talking and talking about his work. something to do with setting up radio towers i think. i don't know. he was super annoying and kept asking everyone where they were from and talking about things he worked on in specific neighborhoods where each of us lived. it was awful and lasted for what felt like forever. and then, i don't know how it came up, but he brought up the challenger explosion. and i was telling them where i was (in 3rd grade in florida, watching it go up, and not knowing what had just happened), and maybe pat or someone else said where they were. and radio tower guy of course was there, too. and then launched into all these challenger jokes. and we were all groaning and saying no, and he wouldn't take the hint and kept on with them. finally his daughter shut him up and took him away.

and that was when i made my funniest joke of the trip. i've never seen kit laugh so hard since i've known her. i said, 'you know what i call that?' and i did my best zach galifianakis impression and said, 'that was a buzzkill'. hysterics.

and maybe it was all the caffeine, we were on cups six and seven probably at that point, but things stayed funny until sleep. pat's best joke was about his scope's drive (the thing that makes it point at the objects you tell it to).

he got rid of the annoying couple by telling them that the battery was dying, because it was acting up a little. they left, and he gave it a few minutes, and then started plugging in more objects, and it was working fine. but he plugged something in, and the scope started doing its own thing, going to a different part of the sky than he thought he had told it to, and he was joking that it was going to glitch out and start going all over the place 'orion! crab! veil! orion! veil!'

and more giggling. it was mostly funny because he was moving his body around like a spastic robot while saying it. and probably, you had to be there.

but trust us. it was funny.

so we got a great night of viewing in. i went to sleep not being able to breathe out of my nose, and with a very sore throat. woke up just like last time, having to pee so badly that i didn't think i could get up out of the sleeping bag to go. i guess that was about 730, so i had only caught a 3 hour nap at that point. i was dreaming star party dreams, where you're talking to the people you've met and looking through telescopes in your sleep all night long, so i woke up cracked out and exhausted. i fell back asleep and had a dream about the writer, and got up at 1030.

not nearly enough sleep. as soon as the sun came up, the tent went from nose-numb cold (it was in the 30s that night) to sweating-rip-layers-off hot, making for a fitful rest period.

everyone was packing up, and by the time i got up, maybe a third of the people had already left. which is never a good sign.

we knew on friday night, once the clouds cleared out completely at about 9 pm, that saturday was supposed to be a wash.

and when we were up and getting coffee on saturday, another third of the people who hadn't left yet were breaking down their camps.

everyone was leaving.

there was a storm on the way, set to arrive at about 6 pm, a few hours before you can even start looking at the sky. the clouds were supposed to get in before that, and the rain was supposed to stick around overnight.

we were hoping for it to be delayed, but as time went on, everyone was less hopeful. we went over, in daylight, to see and say hi to paul and pat and chris (paul's kid). i'd had a pretty good idea of what they looked like somehow.

they were packing up at that point, because they knew there was no point in staying. there would be no windows of clarity.

we thought we'd try to take a nap and then decide what we were going to do. so we grabbed one of my sleeping bags and spread it out under a tree. just as i was drifting off, kit said that there was a tick.

and because i was sleep deprived and already a worrier, i couldn't sleep after that. i had felt something crawling on me right before she said it. and right after she said it, there was a tick on my arm. we shook everything out, and pulled ticks off the blanket and pillow and went back to camp.

and then we called it. we decided to leave as well. neither of us wanted to give up, but the majority of the scopes were leaving early, and the thought of getting home after 10 at night made us not want to wait any longer to declare the end of the trip.

so we packed up, exhausted, and threw everything into the care without being organized at all. said goodbye to the guys, and left.

as we were going to the bathroom before setting out, this guy was walking behind us and said that he remembered us. it was the guy who was married to that megabitch from the june party. pretty funny that he came alone this time. good for him. that was a nightmare.

so we left.

and i was tired at the outset, but as the sun started to set, fatigue set in. the last hour of the drive was really stressful, but not for any reason. i couldn't decide what i wanted to listen to, and my ipod was in the trunk anyway. i couldn't get comfortable, my eyes were bugging, and i was just stressed out.

as we rolled back into the city just before 9, the sky was lighting up.

and because it was 9-11, and because we were both sleep deprived and jumpy, i think kit and i both were having visions of the city being lit up, not from fireworks.

and i imagine that we were feeding off of each other's nervous energy and running with it in our heads. but i tried to convince us both that it was just fireworks. as little sense as that made.

and once i found parking at home, and left almost everything in the car to deal with today, there was a fireworks finale. i assume the phils won a game, because it was loud. and even though it didn't make sense, i think i was right about the fireworks lighting up the sky.

in any case, when we came over the hill and saw the skyline, it looked different to me, and there was a wall of traffic leaving the city, which added to the slight panic in my head. but by driving in, the skyline eventually looked normal, and we got home, and i parked and took out my contacts and got into bed.

there are a lot of things that could be considered disappointments from this weekend, but all in all, it was a success. just like last time, there was a good night of gazing on friday, and instead of camping in the pouring rain (this storm was going to be pretty bad), we just left ahead of it.

it meant that we spent 13 hours of 30 driving, which was less than awesome. and only a few sleeping. but it meant sleeping in a bed last night. with a bathroom and medicine and a warm comforter. it meant that when i woke up late today, i didn't have to drive for six hours.

i guess that i was expecting that first weekend all over again. and because it was the first, it will never be like that again.

the skies were incredible. but this trip, driving so far, made me want to go to a different place. different parties that aren't nearly as far away. skies that aren't that incredible will be okay. because we'll be able to enjoy them more.

and then, maybe next summer, we'll go back. see our old friends, and have fun. allow more time for driving, and maybe even get there a day early (for us) when the party starts.

increase the odds of two awesome nights of looking around.

if i'm even still here then.

which makes my stomach drop.

you know what was absent this weekend? thoughts of coffee (except for telling kit on the way there). thoughts of ever (until the ride home). my mind was just blank. it was really strange in contrast to the heady inspiration of the last trip here, when i sat up writing for two full hours.

we came home exhausted and defeated. but we had a good time, and despite the roughness of the drive last night, we came home happy. there's a star party in texas every may that we are now wanting to go to.

the winter party in the keys is no longer a possibility for 2011 because of the timing of the party and my two week vacation for christmas.

we'll see. i'm a little star partied out right now, because of the sleep i didn't get in preparation, and because of the cold i caught mostly due to that.

i'm just tired.

and a little sad. but mostly content.

and of the conversations we had while driving, i talked about being happy to be alone, and how new that is for me.

so today, i'll get a shower, because they don't have them at the campground, and i need one. i'll probably read a lot and lay around in bed, in an attempt to get caught up on rest and sleep. i might take a nap in an effort to get well, because i feel like ass and it's been a while since i was sick.

all told, i'm glad we went. and i know that, if we hadn't gotten our reservation, we'd have been pretty sad not to have gone at all. we got to see some pretty awesome stuff, through an incredible telescope, and we made some new friends who we may or may not ever see again.

one night under those dark skies was worth the drive. and when i recover from the exhaustion and cold, i'll be convinced of that.