resistance is futile. sept 25th.

another saturday of vegging out on youtube and hulu.

watched the premiers of the office and fringe from this week. both were pretty okay.

then started watching sunny day real estate videos from the diary album. love that thing. man, it's good.

which led to the jealous sound. which unfortunately will be forever linked to ever, more reasons than the obvious. i used to listen to it on repeat ad nauseum driving from my town to his every weekend. knapsack.

i have a lot of cds like that. luckily, i started to dislike dashboard confessional. because that was another one. saves the day i can't revisit quite yet, despite the fact that i love them dearly. and now i associate the xx with leaving him, because i had it on repeat for so long in the end.

why this is happening today, i don't really know.

let me back up to last night.

so a long time ago, i saw that lcd soundsystem was coming here. and they're one of kit's favorites. so i told her while we were driving somewhere. and she squealed and bought her tickets via iphone, knowing it would sell out.

there were people who she thought would go, so she got two tickets.

the show was last night, and everyone already had their tickets, so she took me.

i am okay with them. what i was not okay with was the quantity of people allowed to fill the place.

or rather, what i realized today is that i was just too old for that.

it was a hipster event. so there were shit tons of people there who were douchebags in general. but there were also old people there which was weird. and a lot of people on ecstasy. which was adding to my anxiety, i suppose. it's been over ten years since i was in a room with people doing that.

and it was hot. so super hot. and we were about three people from the front. maybe five. so, really close.

and the opener was this band sleighbells. and i couldn't stand them. i felt bad. but it was so strange. i'm just accustomed to shows that are different than that, i guess. people were so into them, singing all the words and freaking out in general. and the girl was just singing and dancing headbangerlike. and the other dude was playing power chord progressions. i don't know. it reminded me of the time i saw jucifer open for someone i went to see that i liked. and it was like, 'that giant stack of amps doesn't make you good'. it was just loud. like chest and clothes vibrating your face off loud. luckily i had earplugs.

i felt cynical. i felt like an asshole. i was so close and so unappreciative.

and worst of all, i felt like an ingrate for taking kit's ticket and going. i was fine, but she knew i wasn't into it and it made me feel pretty bad.

so whatever. they played. every song sounded the same. i think the other thing that unimpressed me was that the beats were all recorded, and some of her vocal tracks, too. it was just a strobe light show. ugh. here. a spectacle:

anyway, that was over. i was drenched in sweat. like running down legs disgusting. and then it was time for lcd, and everyone just crowded in closer and closer.

there was this couple. they were really fucked up, couldn't keep their eyes open and their faces apart. and the guy was all elbows and the girl kept saying they were going to have sex. it was awful. and obnoxious.

don't i sound like a callous grandma? it's making me sad just writing my thought processes from last night for everyone to read.

in any case, the lights went down and the place came unglued as one by one, all seven or eight of them took the stage.

and the first song was the one that i really genuinely like. kit's played it enough for me to get hooked on it.

and it was really super cool to see them play it so perfectly. and how it goes, one instrument is added in at a time. and there are so many of them. and their lighting is their deal, so of course it was quite the show.

so about halfway through the song, everything goes insane. and i knew it. and i was waiting. and everyone freaked the fuck out, jumping up and down and pushing and shoving and dancing. madness. the song is great. and they were great. i just couldn't hang.

after about three or four songs, maybe more, i told kit i had to go. i was worried i was going to have a panic attack. i needed to be outside and smoking and having a beer. it took at least two songs to get out of the front and into the back of the venue where i could breathe.

it was just crazy. everyone was so happy and excited and on hard drugs and dancing. and looked at me like i was insane for leaving, trying to squeeze out past them. but it was too intense in the front where we were. people started moshing and thrashing around. and not in a respectful way. i think i was over those days back in high school. like, into it and then out of it, inside four years. a really really long time ago.

like i said: too old for that shit.

i did however love the fuck you attitude of the dudes that were next to us, smoking fat joints when they took to the stage. that was awesome. they seemed like really nice guys. smiley. why couldn't all the assholes be stoned and smiley like that?

so i made it outside, and i was standing at the back of the venue, outside. which is on the river. so i'm essentially on a pier, having a beer and a smoke. staring at the sky, because what else do you do when you're smoking and drinking on a pier alone? and there was the nearly full moon. and jupiter. and that was about all.

and i went back in to see the last couple songs from the back of the venue. just picture a hanger. like where they'd store a cessna. it's where beer fest was, actually. huge place. completely filled with people.

again with the beer math. we left at 730 for the bus to go. doors at 9. had a beer. when i left the crowd, it was probably 1130, maybe 12. had another beer.

and from sweating so much, i was tipsy.

we had to catch a cab home, because it was 2 miles to the train and it was 130 in the morning. so we got dropped off at our bar.

and had a beer at closing, and went back to my place, both of us pretty drunk and giggling.

had food just before 3. passed out.

i don't know. it was about where my head was. and i don't usually get anxiety due to social settings like that, but have before and really came pretty close to that last night. i saw a lot of people who were having bad nights, and i was having a bad trip, mentally, just feeling like i didn't belong and that if i said anything i was thinking about the show, that i'd be hung where i stood.

i should also say that all of this was after a day i'd really rather forget.

i woke up at 6 despite not having to be up until 8, from a dream about the ghost. it had been a while. and there was nothing to it really, just him right before i woke up being hot and shirtless, and smiling at me.

couldn't go back to sleep. got up at 8. got ready, which was taking a while. i had that meeting with the new landlords, so i wanted to be dressed and made up accordingly.

so i left my apartment to drive to work in my buttondown shirt and pencil skirt, and didn't see my car.

and i couldn't remember where i'd parked.

it had been a week since i drove. and i was walking around and looking for my car, trying the panic button. nothing.

and i'm walking around the neighborhood, looking for my car in a panic, hitting the panic button. running out of time. and my mind started racing. and i wanted to cry. and i'd built this meeting up to be such a big deal. it was when i gave up about ten minutes later, and started walking toward kit's place, thinking that i must have parked that direction that i remembered. i had parked on a street that i never park on. and there was my car.

then raced to work and to the meeting. and they were nice. i mean, it was a getting to know you kindof a meeting, but they were fine.

and then i went to the office.

and then i learned how much money we lost last month.

and then i worked myself up about it.

even though it wasn't really my fault.

and because i got a late start, due to losing the car and all, i left the office later than i usually do, and it took about an hour to get back. which is usually about 30 minutes all told.

so then i unwound for a couple hours. and then went to the show.

i'm tired just writing it all out. it was intense.

and today was very low key. lunch with kit after i slept in late and had a lot of blueberry coffee.

now it's about time to get dressed and do something. even if it's nothing at an apartment which is not my own.

i'm going unicorn hunting:

pound cake rob.

first day of fall. september 22nd.

so i took a couple days off from writing.

monday i didn't have anything to say, so i watched a bunch of fringe and pushing daisies episodes online.

yesterday, i went bowling, and wasn't motivated to write after.

this is how the last three days shook out:

monday. went to work. blah blah. annoyed with same annoying employees. blah blah. came home, got into pjs and into bed. really wanted to go out for a beer, but didn't. stayed in and rotted my brain with internet tv stuffs.

did this to avoid dealing with ever stuff. because i got an email from the lawyer. final draft of agreement was attached. read through the whole thing. emailed him back that it looked fine, despite the date of the sale of the house being in april of 2011 instead of april of 2012.

i asked what happened if he didn't sign it.

tuesday. got an email back from lawyer saying that, with my approval, he mailed the letter to ever the day before.

he said that, per our agreement, if he doesn't sign it, we switch to hourly billing (this is the end of my original $900's worth of legal counsel). either ever or his lawyer (that he doesn't actually have) can say what they want to change and we can revise it for him to sign, or we can go to the courts.

i tried not to freak out about it. i went bowling with kit after work instead of thinking about it. she bowls on a league. i never go because it's expensive and because i suck at bowling. it had been probably eight years since i went, and the last time i bowled a 28, so i agreed to go, under these conditions.

that being said, if i hadn't gone, they would have had to forfeit. i saved them from that. but at the same time, subjected them to my super shitty bowling lack of skills, and bowled all 50s. in practice, i was fine. yes, a few gutterballs. but mostly i was getting eight pins on the first roll and gutterballs the second.

but when it came time to bowl when it counted, i couldn't keep the ball out of the fucking gutters. i am laughing now, because i'm thinking of what y said. y said, 'sounds like someone needed bumpers'. so funny i was still laughing about it when i woke up this morning, and now. can you imagine? league play, with bumpers.

i'm special.

in any case, i had fun the first game, even though i sucked. i kept thinking, 'oh. i'll get the hang of this. it's okay. at least i'm here. i'll do much better next time.' and then i didn't. i mean, my score went up by 3 points between the first two games, and by 3 points between the second two. but it was embarrassing.

and this isn't your typical bowling alley. the teams are on a league with 'hipsters' in the title. and it's a really pretty bowling alley, with awesome food, great beer on tap, and really cute boys.

and they were clapping for me, loudly, when i'd knock down two pins. the same level of enthusiasm reserved for the strikes everyone else was throwing. multiple strikes in a row, even.

when i kept it out of the gutter, even if i only got one pin, they'd yell, 'good ball!'

in hindsight, last night was hilarious. but because i like these people, i feel bad that i killed their night. i jinxed kit, because she didn't bowl as well as she usually does because i was there and she needed to do better to carry me.

i was afraid to go bowling at all, because i felt like it was one of those 'worlds colliding' things. where it's all good, as long as you keep things separate. but by going, i was in her bowling night mix. and i felt bad before i went. and worse after.

so we came home and i sat on her stoop and smoked. i wanted a third beer, but didn't have one because two is more than enough on a weeknight. and i felt like crying. i was just so humiliated. i couldn't even laugh about it then. at least now i can.

so i came home and got into bed, watched another daisies and passed out.

wednesday (today). really really annoyed with same annoying employees. can being annoyed stand up in unemployment hearings as a good reason to fire someone? or passive aggressive bullshit? because if it can, i have some things i need to do. stat.

dan pulled a funny one today.

i bike to the bank daily for the two stores i work between. every other day, for the most part, we need change. so i get a ton of rolled coins, put them in my bag, and bike back with them. it's a pain in the ass, because coins are heavy, and it's about a five minute ride each way. not super far. but just far enough to be annoying.

so i got them a shit ton of change yesterday. i told pam to get their money for me, and that they shouldn't need change because i loaded them up yesterday.

and what does dan do? demand change. 'she doesn't know because she hasn't been over here.'

oh, really fucker?

yeah. so he writes down $120 of rolled coin change. when they're totally out of everything, it should max out at $100, so i knew he was being a tool and asking for way more than he needed.

i didn't even get all of what he asked for, because i knew that there was no way in hell they needed that much.

so i got $100 in change, and put it in my bag and went back.

and i get there and open the coin bag.

and sure as shit, that little fucker... they already had $80 in there.

so i put what they needed in, and left the other $70 in a bag for the safe and told quinn what the deal was.

and made it super fucking simple for the next time.

i wrote in sharpie on the bank bag how much change should be inside.

what an asshole. pam's words were: 'spite is an ugly thing'.

he also made a point to tell her today, 'i don't get paid to care about that anymore' when she commented that they were almost out of breakfast food at noon.

sorry, but being out of breakfast food at noon is a GOOD thing, idiot.

in any case, he's a prick. and i'm done with him.

so that is what you missed.

read between the lines:

i felt bad.

i got angry.

i felt bad some more.

i felt even worse.

i got even angrier.

i felt even worse than that.

and somehow? more angry.

i've been feeling stupid and lazy and like a fuckup for laying in bed after work, every day, until i go to sleep.

i try to think back to what i have done in the past.

all i can think of is going out drinking, and to a wide variety of bars, every day. i had to stop that for my health, what's salvageable of my diet, and almost entirely because of money. because i've stopped giving a shit about the other two. obviously.

i've had tater tots and sandwiches for dinner for the last few nights. last night i mixed it up by having corn dogs with my tots at the alley. which were amazing, by the way.

so i quit going out drinking every day. at another time i used to go to the gym. i just can't do it.

i need to cancel my membership because it's $20 a month that i am throwing away, and because i don't go, won't go, probably never will again. i have no motivation, and never feel like going.

i think i'm just giving up, in a way.

and all this laying around, catching up on mostly only virtual facebook friends' lives, reading blogs and books, watching tv shows on the laptop, etc just makes me feel even worse.

yet, still, not bad enough to change it.

i ride my bike to work and home every day. and that is all i feel like doing. i feel like work is sucking the life out of me, when i have it relatively easy the majority of the time.

on the weekends, sometimes i feel like doing the bike path 5 mile ride. but never do it alone, and never ask anyone to go with me. i don't like to exercise, unless i'm in a phase, because i'd so much rather be smoking and drinking. preferably, un-alone.

i think i just love to wallow. and i've been sad for at least three weeks now, maybe longer. and i just don't feel like doing anything differently.

when i really think about it, i think it's a control issue. i feel like i have no control over my life right now. and the things i have control over, i'm not really handling.

i've been fighting a panic attack successfully for a few days running. mostly because i'm somehow turning off my brain when i start to think about ever and what he might do next.

but really, i think about it all the time now.

because this is IT. this is really the point where shit either happens or doesn't. goes to the next level or doesn't. well, it does, with or without his consent.

seeing pictures from yet another party at the house, and thinking about what a raw deal i got in this whole thing because i couldn't just suck it up and stick it out. i had to go and be all kinds of selfish, and get what i know i deserve and want by leaving his dumb ass.

it just sucks.

and thinking about what will happen next is a waste of my time, because if there's one thing that ever is these days, it's unpredictable.

for his whole life, and our entire marriage, he was mr. predictable. he said that he once had his picture on the fridge of a place he lived, stating just such a thing. i knew everything he would do. he never surprised me. he always disappointed me once i figured out what it was that he did all day every day.

but i guess divorce is a bitch in that way, because now he is a mixed bag of fucked up things he can do next.

you know, this agreement, as it's drawn up, is me getting every single thing that i want, when i want it. it's the express divorce. drawn up neatly. signed, sealed, and delivered. in a completely different manner than in that one old song.

and i know that after a summer of having what i want when i want it, and because i left, those days are probably over.

i know that what happens next will most likely suck my brains out. and leave me feeling like i made a bunch of mistakes. but that will just be ever exercising what little control he has over me, his last real chance to do just that.

and if i think for one second that he won't do every single thing in his power to create as much chaos as possible, all i have to do is start from post number one and work my way toward the present.

maybe this blog should be called 'i married a worthless sack of shit'.

or 'how i ruined my life in under 30 minutes'.

all i can do is try to remain calm. and take kit up on her offer to buy me a beer at the birthday party of one of our favorite neighborhood bars in thirty minutes. and then watch some more online tv.

pass more time, without spending more money, and keep working until this whole thing with him becomes a part of my past.

i called my mom today. i tend to do that when i'm having a hard time regarding ever.

and she said that he most likely won't realize that he's getting more than he put in, or that he is getting more than he deserves. but that she hopes he realizes it and signs the thing.

i think it's too soon. i think he's still in 'i'm going to make her pay' mode.

but one can hope and dream for a speedy end to this ugly little thing.

all i can do is hope that he's having as hard a time as i think he is, paying for things at the house. and that he wants to deal with this and put it behind him, too. so he can move on, too.

i love how i think that the majority of the time, i'm relatively numb to the whole divorce. and that it doesn't effect me. it's when there are actions taken that i get sucked back into it.

and here's to hoping that this is the end. here's to hoping that he can walk away, signing the papers that will turn me back into the girl i used to be, with a small pile of money in his hands. money that he didn't earn and certainly doesn't deserve. a parting gift from me. severance pay.

here's to hoping that there was at least a tiny shred of truth to him saying that he has people who want to help him buy the house from me. people who believe in him more than i did.

a deadline of april fool's is sure to put a fire under his ass. and he's just crazy enough to think that he can do it, and sign away.

please, god that i don't believe in, make him sign the fucking thing.

i just want this to be over for now. well, for the next seven months until we have to start working together to sell the house.

i just want it to be in motion. on the path that i created for it to go down.

but i know full well, that is not what is about to happen.

probably, not even close...

you can't win if you don't play. sept 19th.

it's been a rough couple of weeks.

i keep waiting for everything to feel the way it did when i was home. when it felt like everything was lining up perfectly and that everything was as it should be.

i guess it could be a little while before that happens again.

like when i'm home at christmas.

i hope it feels like that when i'm home at christmas.

tonight, i walked to buy a six pack of beer, instead of going out for one. i'm a sucker for simple math. if i go to the bar, i get two beers. if i spend the same money at the store, i get six.

on my way home, i saw a cute boy and a girl, smoking on a stoop. as i walked by, he said, 'a better job. or win the lottery.'

and it served as a reminder that i forgot my lottery tickets last night.

so i didn't win the $112 million. because i didn't play.

i spent some time today discovering new music.

and some time being freaked out about ever. because the joint account had a check written from it.

he wrote it to the business. and that in turn made me check the mortgage, because i haven't been.

and he paid it on the tenth.

not the first.

he can't pay it on time, i guess.


it let me know that he must surely know by now that i wasn't secretly spending all of his money like he accused me of. and that despite having people paying all the bills and mortgage for him, he still can't take care of shit on time.



and writing that, i realized today how many times i post the word ugh in my blog.


it's how i feel.

a lot.