a vacation from writing? new years eve.

i feel like i haven't written in a billion years. it has been ten days. it's hard to believe.

mostly because the last time i was home, i couldn't stop writing. i guess i've been trying to stay plugged in with family and friends and just haven't made time for it. aubree's gone today, so there's not as much going on.

trip so far? it's been good. i waas telling nina last night that the first half of the trip was really exciting. now things are winding down, and time is running out, so there's a sadness welling up inside.

i got in last monday. mom and dad picked me up and we laughed all the way home from the airport. that night was the lunar eclipse and i was stoked to be in florida for it. i stayed up until five that morning, taking amazing pictures of the whole thing.

tuesday, aubree got in late at night, i visited the grandparents. that was the day that i attempted to buy glasses, but i don't remember what else i did.

the ongoing saga started when i opened my glasses case on monday night after i took my contacts out. i brought an empty case - i left my glasses in phila.

i needed new ones anyway, i have two broken pairs, and wanted to get something a little snazzier. but i couldn't get my prescription over the phone. the salesman was absolutely obnoxious, and after getting passed around to four different phone numbers, he took the card with the next phone number written on it, and called himself. he was a total asshole, and they basically told him that they'd handle it in the morning.

for the next six days, i dealt with him calling and bitching at me, and bitching at my doctor's office. yesterday, i gave up. i know that he was such a dick that they would do anything they could to keep from sending the fax. but i have called every day, apologizing for him being such an ass and begging them to help me. no one would. i will probably change doctors. there's no excuse for not being able to get glasses when i'm stuck eight states away without them.

wednesday, nina got into town and that night was the reunion party. which was mostly fun. i steered clear of crazy high school best friend, and talked mostly to a few people i hadn't seen in a very long time, since early middle school years. it was great catching up with everyone, and i was impressed that about twenty people showed up to catch up.

thursday was a shopping day. i wasn't feeling well, and was not in the mood to shop. i had balanced my account, and wasn't happy with what i found. i had intended to spend a ton of money on presents for everyone. and i wanted to spend some on myself as well. but that all got scrapped after i picked things up for everyone else.

that night was a little reunion of nina and brownies. the entire day had been such a disaster. i got roped into a shopping trip with dad that was supposed to end by six so i could hang with brownies while we waited for nina to wrap up with her family.

instead we left way late, and brownies waited around for us until 9 when we finally got it together. we'd run into traffic on top of running late, and nina came all the way out to get me, then drove back into downtown to meet up. what we didn't know was that the place we were supposed to meet her was one of two. she had said which one she was going to, but because we're both so out of the loop of this town, so we didn't realize we were at the other one. by the time she drove to us, it was 930. i felt awful. but talking together for the first time in over ten years (the three of us) was awesome. more laughing to tears, a lot of fun. we all went home for the night pretty early.

christmas eve was another crazy shopping day. i spent a lot of time running around with my 'adopted brother'. he's been 'in the family' since i was in high school, and my trips home have never been timed to see him. so he visited every day, and i spent some time alone with him. it was great.

i put in my once a year church visit to make mama proud, my brother did not follow suit. he's been around the whole time i've been home, but not plugged in at all. he got upset and called mom to talk about it because he felt left out. so she had to explain to a 30 year old that if you aren't in the room and talking with all of us, you're not there to be ignored. he course-corrected on wednesday night and went to family dinner, which was a hot miracle. he usually refuses to go to that, saying he doesn't like the thing that the restaurant specializes in, and not listening to the fact that every restaurant has a wide range of things to eat. we got into a huge fight this summer because he didn't go to the cheesecake factory because he doesn't like cheesecake, and wouln't go to longhorn because he doesn't like steak. somehow we got him to go to outback... and things returned to normal. that was more time than i'd seen him the ten days i've been here - christmas included.

backing up. that was christmas eve. we had a great time. sans brother.

christmas day was funny. first time i had been home for it in eight years, and it was awesome. i was showered in gifts, and had fun giving gifts. even though mean grandma opened her steaknshake gift card and frowned, stating that she'd never eat there again because the last time she went two of the servers were arguing.

that's the loveliness of my mean grandma. i told her i'd take it if she wouldn't use it. $40 down the tubes. a simple thank you would have sufficed, saying as we basically gave her back the money she gave us for christmas.

everyone was over, and it was also a christmas where i wasn't awake at 5 am to see what gifts santa had delivered for me. growing up is a funny thing. it was nice to feel something close to being well rested.

everyone hung around. we watched the magic game, which i don't really care about, but it was an exciting down-to-the-wire game, and somehow i ended up caring by the end of it.

that night, nina came over after we watched inception as a family. her trip was cut short by her family, and she came over to hang out before leaving to go back home the next day.

we hung out talking until about 3 in the morning. this trip has been like that. up really late every night, and in an effort to max out the family-grandparent time, i've been up by 930 at the latest every day. until today. i finally got something close to eight hours of sleep, letting myself sleep in until ten.

day after christmas, i can't even remember. i think that was the day that we went to the navy base with grandpa to do some more shopping. i can't believe how little i bought for the hours upon hours we spent shopping while i've been here.

monday we went shopping some more, and i was in the worst traffic i have ever been in, in my life, that i can remember. it literally took 45 minutes just to get through one light, which should have taken two minutes tops. the stores were all so crowded that i started feeling panicky. then went to another mall, and after an hour stuck in traffic trying to make it through what should have taken five minutes, we gave up because we weren't even halfway to where we were trying to go. it was exhausting and frustrating and totally not worth it. but it was time spent with mom and aubree, so it wasn't a total loss.

tuesday was the brownies dancing night. we went to dinner early, and back to her place. where my house envy spiraled out of control. her place is what i think my place should be. something that reflects good taste and all the hard work i do. it was like being in a pier one catalog, but not in a sterile 'don't touch anything' way. in an 'everything is perfectly chosen and beautiful' way. super comfy. so we had a couple drinks and talked for hours, killing time before it was okay to go out. the bar didn't even open until 10. by that time, we'd been yawning and i kept calling us grandmas, because we both could have been okay with going to bed at that point.

but we picked ourselves up and got ready and dragged ourselves out. and it was so worth it.

all the memories of every friday night with her, before ever. we had a ways to go, sobriety-wise, before either of us had the balls to dance. i was staring down tons of hot boys, wanting to make out with all of them.

that's one thing to be said for life here. in phila, there's maybe one hot guy for a club full of hotter girls, where i never catch an eye. here, that night, i spotted 23 guys that i would gladly have made out with, and a wide variety of girls. something for everyone.

i much prefer my odds here.

in any case, we did eventually dance, and it was awesome. the music wasn't my choice, but it worked for the most part. a lot of soul and funk and disco. which i do like. but i was really hoping to tap into the barbarella's music of yesteryears, things from the eighties and nineties. early 'alternative' when it actually meant something, and new wave.

but that was not to be had.

we nearly closed the joint down, which was pretty awesome, considering how tired we were when we left. then we were up until after 4 talking more and watching viral videos online, laughing to tears again. i stayed in her guest room and got a great night's sleep, then went to visit all the grandparents.

wednesday was family dinner night.

yesterday was the craziest day i've had in a while, communication-wise.

i spent the morning with family, like every other day, but had planned an early dinner with beekie. so we sat and talked for a couple hours, swapping 'my ex is crazier than yours' stories. came home from that, and finally got kit on the phone to catch up. dueling family christmases had wreaked havoc on our communication time. we talked on the phone for over an hour. which i almost never do. i talked to her until brownies showed up. we talked at the house for a while, and then went to the alehouse to talk some more. four hours' worth of talking some more.

i got home close to 1, and got into bed with a spotty voice and a sore throat. i nearly talked my voice away.

i slept in today, squeezed in more double grandparents time, and now i'm sitting around, doing laundry, waiting for tonight.

i don't know. i only have four days left. and i don't want to miss anything or leave anyone out. i'm spending a lot of time worrying about who i'm disappointing. i've done an incredible job of not getting that from my family, because i have been with them for the majority of the day every day. i can feel my time running out, and it's getting stressful.

mostly because i want to see everyone and spend one on one time with everyone, and not make anyone feel left out.

my problem is always that i think too much and put too much pressure on myself and overemphasize things that really probably don't matter. i give value and meaning where other people don't think to.

hopefully i'm not being disrespectful or forgetful, inconsiderate or any other negative way.

and if i am, i am not afraid to ask forgiveness.

and then try to make up for it when i move here in six or so months... when i'll have plenty of time for everyone.

flying home. december 20th.

this feels familiar.

getting to the airport wicked early. sitting at the gate, writing about what i expect to do when i get home, what i want to do when i get home, and just excited to be going home.

it's pretty surreal, honestly. i bought this ticket four months ago. so for four months now this trip has felt so far away. counting down from sixty days didn't change the way it feels, surprisingly. even the countdown from mom's package of twelve presents. and her subsequent visit.

i'm listening to the mix i made for nina last year. it's so sweet and sappy and familiar. it makes my belly hurt. it makes my heart flutter.

i can't wait to be there. and i can't believe i'm sitting here right now, waiting for my plane to arrive and take me there. it's the sweetest thing.

so, what do i expect? i don't know. without the coffee anxiety, looking forward to seeing him and grilling him, and trying to kiss him, there's no real fear this trip. without having to tell mom and dad that i'm getting a divorce, there's no anxiety this trip.

there are no tears.

there is only the usual nervousness about hopping onto a plane. and i have waited to take the ativan. mostly because i'm afraid of how it will affect me. and also because i would like to have a glass of wine on the plane like i always do, and i don't want to black out and wake up there, trying to navigate my way around finding my suitcase.

i packed so much. really, my suitcase is small - a carryon. and it's filled with clothes that both clean and dirty. and all my liquids to make security easier on myself.

i intend to buy a suitcase at home if i get loaded down with things to bring back.

and right now, i don't know why, but i'm surprisingly calm, and i feel like crying but not because i'm sad. i think just because i've been weepy lately.

watching things that are sad, dealing with death and loss and people leaving.

this was the first time i didn't get a ride to the airport. i took the train, after walking to the station, wheeling my fat suitcase down the streets of philadelphia.

cheap bitch, refusing to pay $28 for a cab to the airport, or a cab to the train itself.

maybe on the way home. it would probably be worth it then. once i'm back and just want to shake off the feeling of leaving all the things i love and know about home.

so this trip breaks down like this:

first, i get in tonight. just hang with mom and dad. smell the house. eat their food. i bought them soft pretzels because i could and knew they'd be into it.

tomorrow i have no plans at all. aubree gets in tomorrow night. i can't wait to see her.

wednesday, nina gets into town. i'm so excited to have so much time with her this trip. mom planned this extreme family reunion, i probably haven't seen most of these people since my wedding, which is both sad and horrible, but it will be fine. i intend to hang at aubree's side.

that night, perhaps one of the coolest parts of my trip, is an elementary school reunion. people i haven't seen in twenty years. there will be some middle schoolers and high schoolers there as well, so many people i haven't seen in so long.

i hope it's less awkward and more fun. i know it will be to some extent, just because of the people i'll be hanging out with, regardless of who else bothers to show up.

and thursday will be a mini reunion of nina and brownies.

the rest of my trip is a blank slate. i think brownies and i will probably try to relive our youth and go dancing, maybe on tuesday night, which nate swears by. i have yet to go, but have been hearing about it for a while now.

i've put off making plans with chalk, yet he was the first person to comment when i said something about coming home on fb yesterday.

i don't know what to expect. what i loved was having the control over the situation. i drive, i know when he comes in and when he leaves, it's my place, my plans, my restaurants, my bars, everything is mine.

being home and trying to hang out with him will be weird. it's mostly why i didn't come home before now. i didn't want to have three days home, and have him trying to see me.

i don't know. body-wise, i've been pretty into seeing him. but mentally and emotionally, i am not really ready.

pam and kim were giving me a lot of shit at work today about it. why i'm putting him off. why i didn't have him pick me up tonight.

and all i can come up with is that, first of all, i don't look as good as i looked this summer. second of all, he just isn't for me. this is the beauty of a buddy i guess.

i've been craving attention and affection. but i don't want his really. i mean, having fun is one thing. but i want a boyfriend i guess. and because he does nothing for me in that way, i guess i just have less to look forward to.

i think that in my mind, i haven't fully processed the fact that coffee is really taken and gone. i think i'll still be looking for him everywhere like i always do. and i guess i'm just not excited about any other boys the way he made me excited.

there's no boy back home now. and that might be why i feel a little sad.

i wish the writer was home for the holidays, but saying as how he's pretty much estranged from his family, that would never happen. it would be nice to see him and hang out with him.

yeah. no boy back home. and it makes me feel guilty to say that, in light of seeing chalk. but whatever. that's the beauty of an arrangement made out of convenience and physicality.

mmm. peet's coffee. my favorite thing about flying for the last couple years since they put it in the airport. even though i probably don't need it, i mean really don't especially in light of nerves. i can't help myself. it will counteract the wine on the plane.

god, last night i had a great dream. i was hanging with my 19 year old boyfriend, at my parents' house. and we were fooling around. it was amazing. and then we got into my car and went for a drive, and he was talking about how my mixes were so awesome.

it's because i watched nick and norah's this weekend. twice.

such a cute movie. the first night i saw it, it made me super lovesick. but the second time, i just cracked up because i knew what was coming.

our plane is here. i should probably use the bathroom now.

hopefully the cold i've had since thanksgiving that just won't go away will keep me from getting some other random illness on this flight. it's nice to not worry about h1n1 this time. god, the trip where i flew with the face mask was unreal. so horrible. and i didn't give a shit that i looked like a freak because i was being paranoid and careful.

this guy on the train was hacking up a lung and being a crackhead. i don't know what happens when you don't have fare and board a train, but i want to say that he was telling the septa dude that he didn't have money to pay.

it was weird. i couldn't wait for the ride to be over. and i really don't like riding backwards, and the seats were all backwards. i was looking out the window because i hadn't ever taken the train to the airport, but it was making me feel funny. i said a silent hi to robbie as i passed the bakery.

so close now i can taste it.

pretty funny to be sitting here thinking about stupid coffee and his new life for a few seconds, and then to hear things on the loudspeaker about chicago flights being canceled because of snow storms. i'd be pissed if that is where i was headed. all the connections are getting missed, and the plane isn't leaving.

i'd probably be sad, too. at least i live here, and could go home and come back.

which makes me think of the idea i had for another novel. my next one, perhaps.

the idea stemmed from a chat with nina. she asked me to take her back in time so she could get more work done.

and i was thinking about it later. how obsessed i was with going back in time for so long. and now that i'm out, and don't necessarily need to go back in time to undo my marriage, as i'm doing it the conventional way, i guess i started thinking about whether i'd go back and unmeet ever. and then i started thinking about what my life would have been like if i did that. because i think that if i could, i'd go back and never meet him. it makes me sad to think of what i'd be giving up to do that, but i guess i'd lean towards doing it anyway.

so the story will be an account of what happened when i didn't.

what i did with coffee. what i did with the sun. how i ended up. what my life became. what my life was like. how i turned out.

i don't know which direction to go, but i will write it out when i'm home.

god i have to pee again. ugh. fucking nerves. and now we're boarding...

and now we're in the air. :)

and upon announcing our descent? holy SHIT! i'm here. i'm fucking EXCITED.

i'm on vacation. iiiiiieeeeeeeeee!

tea hearts kit. december 15th and 16th.

kit really saved me yesterday.

this all started on monday, i guess.

i knew i had to go to the house to get stuff for work. i almost went after work, because it's easy to do on my way home. but it made me feel like pulling over and throwing up. and then i worried that the puppy would be running amok and that almost made me cry. so i didn't go. i decided to go on thursday, at the last possible minute.

i just couldn't deal with it. so i didn't.

so there i was, sitting at suck store yesterday. chatting with nina off and on, i guess i talked to her a little bit about it, but mostly other random things to distract myself from it.

but it was on my mind, and kit popped online, and i mentioned the house, and she said, 'just do it today. get it over with. i'll go with you. tea, just get it over with.'

and i couldn't commit to doing it. i didn't want to, not that i ever would. and i was a bundle of nerves.

but she talked me into it. and i had already resolved to go alone before talking to her. because i felt like i needed to do it alone. not to mention, i didn't want her to have to interact with him.

but after talking to one of my divorcing customers, and after the email from my lawyer talking about him possibly trying to get a pfa against me to keep me out of the house (protection from abuse), i realized that she was right. because if no one was there with me, he could say i did something i did not.

so before i could back out and change my mind, i emailed ever and said that i'd be over. if he wanted to put things by the door, i'd grab them. and if not, i'd get them myself.

then i got really heady about it. going through all the possible scenarios repeatedly in my head. and when i left work, i was driving. i was having a hard time focusing, because my stomach was completely sick and had been since i decided at around 1 that i'd go. i had eaten food at work, because it was time to. but i could easily have skipped it. as soon as i ate, i felt nauseous. until about 8 that night.

driving, thinking. trying to listen to my workout mix to get me angry and fired up about going, so i'd feel less scared and sad about going.

and i drove home from work the way i always do. and at the point where the six lanes dump everyone into three, i very nearly had a wicked accident.

everything was fine. it's a tricky bit, because i have to get over from lane six to lane one. but i do this every time i drive on this road. i'm good at doing it safely.

but because of my mindset i was probably less sharp, and i turned my head to check the next lane over, and didn't realize that the fucking moron driving ahead of me was stopping in the middle of the road for no apparent reason. no traffic jam or anything. just hard brakes.

so when i looked back, and started to go, their bumper was literally a couple inches from the front of my car. i said something aloud, maybe i screamed, and jerked my wheel into the lane i knew i could merge into. my car started to fishtail because i was going like 60 and jerked the wheel to avoid hitting them. luckily, the people behind me gave me some room and i kept control of my car, and kept going.

it was unbelievable. really scary. nothing like a heart stopping close call while experiencing a long lasting panic attack. once i recovered from that, it was like it canceled out the ever mindfuck.

i picked kit up from work and went with her.

it was the right decision. the way i explained it to her is that i've gotten better at ripping off bandaids. like the surgery, i knew the anxiety and anticipation was much worse than the experience would be. no matter what it was. because days of worrying wouldn't matter after ten minutes max at the house.

i told her about the close call, because i was shaken and it had just happened.

i went home first because my stomach wasn't going to let me wait to go home until after. and i wanted to get the cds i had put aside that were his. and his fucking fake tooth bridge that had ended up in my piggy bank in a ziplock bag. gross.

i'd bought him the cd case back in june for his birthday, but that was about the time he became an intolerable dickhead, so i had never given it to him.

i grabbed those two things, leaving the third thing i had set aside for him, a letter i'd found in my keepsakes from when his father died, listing all his personal effects and the price of his cremation. because that just seemed too horrible a thing to give to him right then.

and we drove there. i couldn't even smoke, from nausea. she kept realizing how fucking freaked out i was and telling me that it was almost over and to calm down. it was crazy. she was making me laugh and not think about it, but every block closer, it would hit me in waves. waves with really short wavelengths.

and i got there. and i parked. the sidewalk was a hot mess. trash everywhere. it looked hood. exactly how i remembered it.

the first test was trying my key, because i was afraid he'd changed the locks. at the same time, i didn't think he had, because he doesn't really do anything that requires effort.

he hadn't emailed me back that day about my visit, or about the email i'd sent a week ago.

the key worked. i knocked anyway, and called in. only the girl roommate was there (i think). the light was on, but i guess her door was closed and she didn't come out. i'm sure he'd warned her i would be there.

the dog was barking and running around in my old bedroom, so i don't know if he was there with her hiding or not.

no one did or said anything.

what sticks out to me about the visit the most, is that it was disorienting. i guess that's the best word for it. the whole first floor was completely rearranged. there was so much furniture and other people's stuff everywhere; couches, a huge tv, a piano. and i forgot everything the second i walked in. i couldn't remember where the light switches were, and all the lights were out. it was strange, stumbling around in the dark for a second and feeling lost all at once.

i found the first switch, and headed to the bureau where i thought my stocking was. my mom had asked me to get it, because she had sewed one for each of us when we were born. so this thing is now 33 christmases old, and she wants me to bring it home.

only i couldn't find it. so i guess i had the foresight to grab it when i left. it must be buried in my closet somewhere.

then we went into the basement to get the work stuff. but i ended up in the kitchen, passing the basement door and looking around, smelling curry and food. i was just completely mindblown. it took a second to realize that i was in the kitchen and didn't mean to be. and then i had to recall why i was there, and what i was trying to do, where i was trying to go.

being there felt so foreign. i still haven't processed it, i guess. despite dreams and nightmares where i'd gone back to get things and deal with him, i wasn't mentally prepared for it.

it was so odd. i can't get over it.

i set his stuff on the granite countertops that i miss the most. in my dream kitchen. and there was no time for thinking and feeling, because i was on a mission. at one point, it sounded like the dog was loose, but she wasn't. i kept thinking she was going to tear down the stairs and turn her little circle at the bottom and start jumping on us. but she didn't.

we went into the basement and i walked directly to the things i needed. which, in the sea of boxes and tools and mess, was no small feat. the first two places i checked had both of the things i went for. it was crazy. so i grabbed them and bailed super fast. there was a box of my handmade journals he'd put in an unsealed box, down in the filthy basement, with my name on it.

i grabbed everything, and kit grabbed a couple other random boxes of my journal making stuff down there, and we were up and out of the basement, and out the front door, locking it, and throwing shit into the car and getting resituated.

she said we were there under five minutes. but time had stood practically still for me. i wanted to smoke, but was in this foggy stupor and couldn't seem to figure out that i needed a lighter.

so she said, 'leave. get out of here. light it on the way. just get away from the house! no sense tempting fate.'

and she was right. and i did. and we high fived and pulled a few blocks away, where i pulled over to collect myself and light the cigarette. and put on the song i wanted to hear right then.


it's been interpol for the last 48 or so hours.

i can't get enough.

i'd dug it up when i was painting my apartment. and stumbled into this song that used to slay me. and i have spent a couple days listening to the song on repeat after integrating it into my mix.


last night, i spent a few hours watching live videos of them, and interviews with the singer, paul banks, pining away for the dark and fancy brooder with the unbelievable voice. yes, i am aware that he has a mullet in this video. no, that doesn't change things for me. he has normal hair most other places, so i'm letting it slide. his eyes are so cold. like he needs a big hug and some snuggle time involving hot chocolate.

apparently i still have a thing for the broken musician-types.

i had pictured him being forty-something with a ruddy complexion. not young and creamy complected with hair in his eyes, wearing all black and playing with this depth that nearly swallows me alive.

so i listened to obstacle 1, which is so aptly named, on the way home from the house. i dropped kit off, and made three trips from my car upstairs, putting everything inside my apartment that had been living in my car since thanksgiving, and then all the rescued stuff from the house as well. and the laundry i did at kit's this past weekend.

and i had told myself that i'd go to favorite bar after, to treat myself, for surviving the house. for taking care of business. for ripping off the last and final bandaid before i go on vacation.

i practically ran there. kit had given me some of that amazing birthday cake to take with me, i wanted to share with the bartenders who took care of me on my birthday.

so i had a couple beers, and they all talked to me the whole time i was there. i love those nights. i learned a lot about a couple of them, and talked a little about myself, and we just joked around for a while.

they tore into the cake as i was leaving, but i know sam loved it. hot bartender showed up right as i was leaving, which was unfortunate considering that they were all entertaining me all night, and that i would have loved to listen to him talk for a minute.

but, i left and went home to make some dinner.

so that was tuesday.

then yesterday was a different kind of a day.

yesterday was an easy day, my first day at awesome store in what felt like forever. the girls had bought silly christmas hats to wear from now until the break. we like to keep the customers entertained, i guess.

but they bought this hat for me. it was even crazier than the gigantic birthday hat the last time i worked there, last wednesday. it looks like a santa hat. with a bell on the tip.

but there's a button on the brim, and when you touch it, the hat flops from side to side and this crazy loud song plays. it's hysterical. all the customers were cracking up over it.

in the bandaid spirit, i actually went straight to the drama store when i got to work, in an effort to get that all over with right off the bat, so i could have fun and enjoy the rest of my work day.

only quinn wasn't there, so i had to wait.

go work, then come back.

i ended up talking to her for almost an hour. it was retarded.

i can tell when she's lying to me. and when she's exaggerating. and i was honestly so angry at having to have this whole talk with her that i wouldn't even look her in the eye. i was facing her, staring out the window while snow flurries fell. wishing i was anywhere but there.

i guess that my main issue with her is that she's condescending and talks down to them, and then they bitch about her amongst themselves and then to everyone else.

it's all talk. i can't seem to figure out how to curb the drama there. i have now told all of them to zip it up. and so help me, if i have to get involved again, i'm going to start firing people.

so then i went back to my store and hung out for a while. cleaned a lot. i went home a little early, and did my sales stuff and sent it off in an email.

i also talked to kenna, so that helped me plan for work on friday and monday. and then...HOME.

i can't get over it.

i'm so ready for it. and excited.

well, i should rephrase. emotionally, i'm so ready for it. in every other possible way, i'm not nearly ready for it.

i'll do the rest of my laundry and clean my place and pack this weekend. no problem.

and as far as physically goes, i'm also really not ready. i have officially thrown in the towel on being summer-skinny tea. i've said it before, i'll say it again. chalk is the only person who will see me naked in the foreseeable future. and i don't feel obligated to impress him anymore. maybe i'll get inspired after the holidays. but i doubt it. carbs are just too awesome. and exercise sucks too much.

there's one other thing i'd like to do before i leave. i am really determined to change my door handle/lock, in an effort to keep my creepy landlord out of my apartment while i'm away. and also try to bust him sneaking in. i'll know if he tried to go in when he tells me that i'm not allowed to change my lock if he tries to go in.

since he lives on the first floor, there would be no other reason for him to go upstairs. it will make me less paranoid and worried anyway. i'm never totally uncertain that he doesn't go into my place when i'm not home.

we'll see. if i can do it, firstly, and if i can go undetected, secondly.

there's only one way to find out.

so today, i'm back at suck store for the last time until the new year.

and what's more? i've made like $80 in tips this week. it makes me wish that i worked in stores everyday alone.

but then i wouldn't be doing my job. i'd just be working.

soon enough. soon enough.

the only other thing i wanted to write about was my night out with kit last night.

she's been slaving away at school with her douchebag boss, and wanted to get out for a beer with me afterwards yesterday.

i was looking forward to it all day, but thought she might get stuck at school and not be able to go. but she did.

favorite bar was packed to the gills, so we went to a different bar. which was deserted. it was quiet and warm and awesome.

so we talked for a while about her work and my work. and then i asked her opinion about that whole online dating can of worms i cracked open last week.

specifically, i said, 'kit, do you think i'm ready for it?'

her response was a violent one. she laughed really hard and said, emphatically, 'no!'

it was site-specific, that was the problem. she warned me about the guys that are on there. and i already know some of the horror stories of things she's encountered being on there. in fact, some guys she'd never even talked to before asked her to 'hang out' that night, while we were sitting at the bar.

so, no, she said. you aren't ready for those guys. their expectations are unreasonable, the site is not classy, and most of the guys are total assholes who make themselves look respectable, but they're all the same. for every good guy on there (i think she's met three), there are massive piles of misogynistic cheaters.

and because i'm 'old' in contrast to the babies on these sites, she recommended eharmony. i don't think i'm ready to make that plunge. i think those guys might be a little too into marriage for what i'm looking for. which is just a little fun.

i just want to make out. MAKE OUT. is that so much to ask??? i think i'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way. get nice and drunk, and for the second time in my life, bust out a, 'hey, can i buy you a drink?'

and be prepared to take full advantage of the situation.

and the boy.

but that's a story for another day. i've gotten off track. but we spent a good half hour discussing online dating. and once again, kit prayed...

'dear god, please give tea the gift of game. amen.'

it's my favorite prayer. and it is never answered.

rock star and cupid. december 12th.

last night was fantastic.

karaoke was a great idea, in hindsight. though it didn't feel like it at all at the time.

it was a little tense for a bit, mixing workers and friends. but after a few drinks, everyone loosened up and then we really started singing and performing. and by the end of the drunkenness, the entire room of 8 was singing 'bohemian rhapsody'. which sounded lame to me in the beginning. but everyone knew the words, so it ended up being a highlight.

dave and ash even showed up, but ash was in a funk because kim and pam were there. and they all kinda don't like each other, because we all used to work together. and there had been a falling out. but like i said, everyone got drunk enough to sing and get past it.

it helped me feel better about my real birthday night. because every person who said they would make it actually showed up. it's like everyone knows by now that i get really bummed when people flake on me. it was a great birthday, in the end. even if it did take a few days to celebrate it.

for being as afraid as i was about singing, i sure hid it well. when it was just kit and i in the beginning, we started toying with the machine. and once i started practicing, it was on.

and kit recorded me singing 'telephone' for my sister, which was hopefully as good as it felt when i did it. i really hammed it up, stood up and danced and the whole nine.

i guess part of it, too, is that i was trying to get other people into it, and showing them that i was perfectly willing to make an ass of myself in front of them made me feel like they'd feel better about chiming in. and what was super cool was that all of us could actually sing. ash and dave's duets were awesome. dave in general was awesome, because he loved singing the girl parts of songs, and he's one of the funniest people i know. i wish ash had felt better, but it just means that i'm going to have to get kit in a room with them when former employees aren't present.

and ashley from work showed up, and because she'd taken relaxers earlier in the day after a panic attack, she was super drunk after just a couple beers. so i felt like i was taking care of her, which made me act slightly less drunk than i felt.

suffice it to say that drinking to get the free room was a good idea. but we were all pretty sloppy by 8 when we left to find food.

anyway, i felt like a rock star last night. and even though i only got up in front of a few people to sing, it gave me a little confidence that i could do it in a different way, someday, if i ever felt the desire to.

we ended up getting food and cabbing it home, and i drank a bunch of water and went to bed. i wasn't drunk anymore, and felt pretty awful. part of me wanted one more beer. but the other part of me decided that four was enough and that second drunk wouldn't be nearly as much fun as original drunk from 5 to 8.

so today i spent over an hour, anonymously looking up boys on that dating site the girls busted ever on this summer.

what is outrageous is that i saw that boy conor that liked this summer. he was the only person i saw that i knew.

i was impressed by the number of hot guys. and the number of jersey guidos who actually talk about getting tans. and the number of scary looking guys. and the number of guys who take pictures with their girlfriends. or girls in general. and their dogs.

so i noted the ones that were funny and cute and in the age bracket i selected. which, for a 33 year old girl, i am not embarrassed to say that the age range was 23 to 33.

well, actually, i am. but i'm trying not to be. if only there hadn't been so many 23 year olds that were so cute, i might have been inspired to change the age bracket. but there were. so i wasn't.

maybe someday i will actually put myself on the site. it was fun to see what guys present to the world on dating sites. i was tempted to today. in all honesty. but at the same time, i couldn't do it. because honestly, even though i consider myself to be 'single', i felt more compelled to check 'married'. i think that is the reason why i am so reluctant to even try to pick up a guy.

how do i explain my situation? i don't want to say married, or divorcing, or divorced (because it's not entirely true). i don't want to say that i want a fuck buddy. because more than that, i want to make out. and if i met a cute sweet boy, i'd want to hang out, too.

why am i so hard to categorize?

i don't know.

and maybe if i hadn't had that whole dream last night, i wouldn't have been so into it.

this was the dream:

in my dream, i was at the house. only it was five stories, like a gigantic warehouse.

there was a loading dock off back. huge cement stairs, freestanding, like in a stadium.

there was a top floor and there was a show up there. i accidentally found it, and immediately had to get out.

mom, dad, and aubree were there with me.

new girl was brown hair and braces. very young. red shirt. arms crossed and with him. as in, attached to him.

his hair was brown and kinda bowl cut. like a preppy 90s guy (probably influenced by buffy).

there was a ton of people there. karla was with me. went to get something specific.

but while we were walking this guy fell on his skateboard - there were a bunch of ramps, a skate park in the house - and he was knocked out. he was hurt really badly, like paralyzed. so someone called an ambulance. frede was walking up and down the stairs all night. we kept seeing each other, but didn't speak until the end, he wouldn't make eye contact with me the first few times.

he didn't acknowledge me until we were all blocked in the stairwell, trying to get out.

at the end, there was a fake gunfight on the dock over a car they both wanted, a bmw or something. these girl securitiy guards had real guns, but they weren't loaded. but they were acting like they were shooting each other.

ever had an ipad for the house and i was finding a movie to start playing for everyone. but the one i picked was a social distortion documentary, and i stopped it because it wasn't what i thought it would be. but everyone was getting angry because i changed it.

at one point i had to grab onto a press, and lay on the arm to swing myself around to leave, it was over the edge of a big dropoff. i got white ink on the arms and chest of my black hoodie.

he carried the hurt guy up the stairs once he woke up. everyone looked at him like a hero. but the guy was paralyzed, and i knew that he was probably going to kill him because he didn't leave him stationary and wait for the ambulance.

once i decided that i wanted to leave, i couldn't leave off docks in the end. it was like the bottom of the cement ramps became the tops. so every time i'd head up to leave, i'd end up at the bottom. i just wanted out.

once i realized that i couldn't leave that way, i had to go back up the cement staircase and this girl started to sway it like a suspension bridge. she almost fell off because she was being an idiot, she did a front flip in the air when she lost her balance, and landed back on the stairs.

aubree was really upset. she was aubree, only she was infant sized, and i was carrying her everywhere. mom and dad just stayed lost and i couldn't find them.

i was talking to people there, about why i was there or whatever. but they were my friends more than his. it was the people who were there, not that they were my friends kyla and other friends of aubree's.

in any case, none of that detail really matters. i guess because it stayed with me all day, that's why i included it here.

because at some point this week, i have to go to the house. it's not an option. and that means that i have to communicate with ever.

when i woke up, it was a nightmare, and as per the usual, i was paralyzed, flat on my back. and i had to tell myself not to cry, because when i woke up i had tears in the corner of my eyes, and the stress of it all was just the worst way to wake up at 7 am on a day off.

i don't want to go to work tomorrow. or for the next week.

but, one week from tomorrow, i'll be flying home. so i have to power through it.

and today, over scrabble, i set up a game night with james and jess for tuesday night. i do wonder if they'll ask about anything related to ever. because i try really hard to not talk about it at all in front of mutual friends. because i don't want to alienate anyone who is willing to spend time with me despite my leaving him.

it's bed time. somehow another long weekend kindof escaped me. and i feel like i wasted the majority of it. luckily brunch with kit today was awesome, and seeing everyone at favorite bar was great. super talkative, super friendly. it was a nice way to start my day after the way i woke up.

i don't know. looking at that dating site was a bad idea, because now it's all i can think about. so much easier a way to meet boys than having the balls to go up to them in public.

if only i were really single. if only i didn't have baggage. if only i just wanted to get laid and didn't care about anything else.

then it would be easy.

smh. twelve eleven.

it's been a really crazy 36 hours.

first of all, after i posted that last post, i decided to take a bubble bath to calm down. i put the bose dock in the bathroom, and played american analog set, which i've been listening to quite a bit lately.

it felt strange to pull a bath without chalk being there, because the only bubble baths i've had in the last several years were the few we took.

so i think that started me on a path to being sad. i was so worked up and anxious and scared, getting in. but the warmth was precisely what i needed. i sat for a few minutes with my eyes closed, trying to make it all go away, including the lonely leftover feeling from the birthday.

then it became too much. with the thought, 'i want to go HOME. i want my mom', i started to cry. and i let loose. and then it was over. and i did not want to get out of the bath. it started to cool down, and i added hot water to prolong it. and sat and soaked and had another cry.

kit was coming by to hang out and talk, so i'd told her to let herself in when she got there. i got out of the bath, and got dressed. i felt better, calmer, but was still a little zonked from crying. and i sat down, contemplating a cigarette. and heard the front door open. i assumed it was kit, but heard her talking to someone.

i looked down at what i was wearing, thinking she brought her friend bobby with her. i opened my door, and saw her alone. i asked who she had with her, and MY MOM came up the stairs behind her.

i was in total shock.

i really couldn't believe my eyes. suddenly a couple things made sense, and there was this weepy head shaking thing i was doing, trying to grasp what was going on.

she had flown up for my surgery. and kit stayed for a bit, telling how they'd pulled off the surprise. and she left, and mom and i sat on the couch talking for a long time. and on the floor talking, and back on the couch talking.

she was the best distraction. i told both of them about the bath, and my intense homesickness right before they showed up. and i kept telling her that if had been alone, i probably would have been rocking back and forth on the couch all night, worrying and stressing.

so we talked about ever and divorce stuff. about everything except the surgery in the morning. she made me eat food, even though i wasn't hungry.

there were a few things that we laughed about. i was proud that i didn't tear open all the packages she had sent me, because i would have been so embarrassed. at the same time, she said she would have understood. after the week i had, she said she would have opened them all, too.

when kit was there, i logged into the mortgage account, and ever had finally paid november's mortgage on my birthday. happy birthday to me. even though he's still a couple weeks behind this month, it gave me some breathing room. instead of making that payment in two weeks, i now have a little more time.

he didn't pay the insurance, but i'm going to survive making that payment. it will be okay. it can be his 'fuck off' christmas present from little ole me.

so that was that night. mom fell asleep next to me on the couch, while i was watching an episode of buffy. it was 1130. i really had wanted to go to bed early, but i knew i would have failed at that anyway. so it was fine to be up talking to mom about everything that wasn't surgery related.

i took nyquil and drank as much water as i could stomach, because i wasn't allowed anything after midnight.

landlord has the heat cranked. thinking i was being kind, i texted him to tell him that it was super warm, and he could bump down the thermostat.

i knew that when i woke up (if somehow i was able to sleep) i would be totally dried out from the heat. he turned it down, but it was still roasting.

when i woke up, i realized i had slept through the night, which surprised me.

nerves like woah, but better because mom was there.

and i had a text from landlord, telling me not to smoke in the hall because he could smell smoke. he'd sent it at 1130 the night before. so i texted him back at 615 in the morning that i never smoke inside. and walked down the stairs as loudly as i could. hoping to wake him. what a dick.

so we went to the hospital.

got there on time. there was no referral so i had to deal with calling my doctor while i waited for the ultrasound.

get there, get undressed and into a robe. it's freezing. in the hospital, what else is new. go into the room once the tech showed up for work.

so she's doing the ultrasound, and my surgeon is looking at it, and neither of them see anything that doesn't belong. so she brings in another doctor to look and he can't see anything either.

so what the three of them determined is that there's nothing in my armpit that isn't fat or breast tissue. so there's no specific lump of anything else that can be removed.

how no one came to this conclusion after the first two ultrasounds and first three office visits, i will never understand.

i mean, what if he hadn't ordered the ultrasound before he cut into me? mid-surgery he might have poked around and seen it. or might not have.

so i'm laying there on the table, the tech and other doctor had left, all 'nothing more to see here' like.

and he said, 'it's the easiest thing for me to cut you open. the problem is that if there's no specific thing to take out, and i just start taking stuff out, i might not get everything that is bothering you. it might heal and that same lump might still be there. if you want me to do the surgery, i will. but at this point, you should be able to rest easy knowing that there's nothing in there that shouldn't be.'

then he asked me if i wanted him to talk to my mom and kit. and i said no. that i would tell them. so i walked in after getting dressed. and said, 'guess who's not getting surgery today?'

mom and kit said it was a birthday miracle, but i wasn't so sure. honestly, i was really pretty pissed off.

it was just so strange.

i was so ready for it. i mean, scared shitless, yes. afraid of the pain and being put under, yes. but i was ready to have that thing out of my body. i had decided several times over that it was worth the tradeoff.

and for him to basically tell me that he didn't want to risk anything for nothing? it just blew my mind.

i guess more than anything, i can't understand how it got to that point. i know that originally he didn't want to do the surgery, just because it was a tiny lump and because the area is so nerve/node laden.

but to have this thing around for so long. and to finally get everything lined up to do it. all the money and office visits. and then canceled.

worse still, that my mom came up and surprised me. just for the surgery.

if she hadn't been sitting there with me, and listening to me talk about it for weeks, i doubt she would have believed that it really got canceled as it was supposed to be starting.

it made me feel like a big faker. like a slacker, work-wise. so i did what i used to do when i was little. i played hookie. and hung out with my mom all day.

she had brought a couple movies, thinking that i'd be drugged and sleeping all day. and then i was fine and not drugged. able to drive. and awake.

with no plans. too cold to walk places. and she'd already done the touristy stuff on other visits.

first priority, since ever had paid the mortgage was the other half of the new tires on my car. so i dropped a couple hundred bucks on tires. because the flat was flat again, i had to take care of it right then.

went grocery shopping. having my mom here was embarrassing. first of all, there were empty beer cans from the few days before that, dirty dishes, etc. all over the apartment. second of all, i'd just gone to wilmington that day. so my fridge was empty of food, and full of beer. so there was nothing to eat in the house. i wasn't worried about it, because i was too nervous to eat. but when she got in, i had nothing to offer her. and felt like an alcoholic. even more than i usually do.

i'd been craving this pepper steak my grandma used to make. so i asked her how to make it, and made a ton of it. it was so amazing. it was pretty similar to how my grandma used to make it. and there was something about cooking for my mom, while she hung out with me in my kitchen that just fixed me. all the broken parts from the night before, that didn't seem like i could fix, when i was soaking in the bubble bath.

then we tried to shop. went to target, and marshalls. to a few other stores. all to buy absolutely nothing except a couple types of makeup. i had set out to buy a bag. and shoes. and jeans. and a better winter hat.

but i found nothing that i liked. not a single thing.

but we drove and shopped and talked. and that was awesome. she put in for indian buffet. and so she and i went there. and then to kit's for birthday cake.

and she had put in to go to favorite bar. and was even talking a lot about having kahlua and cream (i know, i know, but it used to be her drink).

and the thought of taking my mom to the bar, much less MY bar, and getting her a drink? it was all too much. but we did go. and it was packed, and we were shouting to be heard. and she only got coffee while kit and i had a beer. it was short lived. she just wanted to see what all the fuss was about i guess. and it came out in that conversation that it's been about 18 years since she'd had a drink. if she hadn't been so tired all day long, on the verge of falling asleep three different times, she probably would have had that drink. i still can't get over it.

to her, it probably looked like any bar. only tinier. nothing special.

but she got to meet sam. and hot bartender. so it was pretty interesting.

came home, went to bed, and got up for brunch before her flight out.

so that was the 36 hours of craziness. i still kindof can't believe it.

i just kept shaking my head. the whole time she was here. mostly because i couldn't believe that my surgery was canceled. it became almost habitual. every time i was silent, i was thinking about it, and the instinct was to shake my head. and she'd ask if i was thinking about it again.

it's just such a strange thing. i was horrified. yet, that morning, it was like i had a talk with myself. saying, 'self. today we are going to have a surgery. it's not a big deal. you're going to sleep and then wake up and then sleep again. you're going to feel gross and then fine and then probably be in a lot of pain. but for once and for all, this thing is going to be behind you.'

and then none of that even happened. yet, the anxiety leading up to the moment it was canceled was enough to make me want to sleep. mom and i were both ready for a nap by 11. well, that combined with the fact that we were all awake at 530 for it.

shaking my head.

and then when that shock finally wore off, and we went to dinner, i was still shaking my head, only then it was all about ever. i guess because i'm still afraid of seeing him when i go there. but i just kept thinking about how happy i was that he paid the mortgage.

i guess he collected rent and paid it with that. too bad we're still a month late. but it buys more time. time to save up more after i go home and spend money, and come back and pay bills. more time to get that court order. more time to file other petitions against him. just more time.

when you want something over with so badly, all you want is for the time you have to wait to pass, so you can move to the next phase. but with this, it's a strange dichotomy, because on one hand i want time to go by, so it can be over with. yet i need time to financially prepare, so i need it to pass slowly.

there's no winning with him.

but for those hours, i didn't much care about it. certainly not as much as i did when i thought i was going to have to cough up all that money for the mortgage before going home. or while i was there.

having my mom here was a very special treat. a little taste of home when i was so super homesick. i really think that the last time i was that homesick might have been when i was living in tahoe.

i would never have asked her to come up. and i could not have known how much i wanted her there, until i had her here with me. i probably would have realized it post surgery. and if it hadn't happened, then maybe i wouldn't have. but she was exactly what i needed. and i loved having her here. i got choked up this morning dropping her off. my mom is just so amazing. such an incredible lady. and the best mom ever. and it was so short lived, the visit. but it was so condensed and sweet.

i'm really grateful. and i'll try to complain less. because seriously? i have it pretty good.

party of two. december 9th.

so i am glad that i had mentally prepared myself to not expect anyone other than kit to show up for my birthday, because that is precisely what happened.

before i write about how bummed i've been all day today, i need to sing the praises of kit.

first of all, i took the air mattress to her before going to favorite bar. and when i got there, she had made this hugely amazing cake for me. wrote happy birthday tea on it. decked out with candles and all. it was amazing. the candles were trick candles, which she only realized when she started lighting them, and they started sparking everywhere.

she taped the part where she sang to me, and i had that look on my face. the 'oh, you...' look, followed by smiley headshaking 'you shouldn't have...', followed by trying not to cry.

it was really sweet and really cute. and i couldn't stomach the cake right then, because i hadn't eaten anything other than an apple fritter all day, and felt really yacky nervous.

so we cut a sliver, and had a couple bites each, and went to the bar.

and of course, i only knew the people working there.

i think that last night, once i got over the fact that it was just the two of us, the thing that bothered me the most was what my friends who work there must have thought. i can't think of anything more depressing than one person showing up to someone's birthday.


it's just strange. i have been thinking a lot lately of something that a couple people have told me since this summer. brownies and my high school best friend both have told me that there's no replacing me. that i'm different. and that they have met other people, but no one was like me.

and it really went to my head. made me feel like i am awesome, and when i'm not being an asshole, i'm a wonderful friend who really cares, and would do anything for my friends. that i'm super thoughtful and that it genuinely makes me feel good to do nice things for my friends, and make them feel good, too.

and then it's like the sound of 15 crashing pots and pans. like a camera zooming in on me at the bar with my best friend, and no one else could make it to the bar for even one drink on my birthday.

totally fucking sucked. more today than last night.

one beer in, i noticed that sam had written happy birthday tea on the menu board above the bar, which made my night. she even drew stars around it, which was all too fitting.

once i decided not to look at the door when it opened (about two beers in), i was having so much fun with kit and the bartenders, that it didn't matter as much anymore.

that was probably the point in the night when i let jeff talk me into a shot. and sam made a washington apple for me. it was so fucking good. nate loves them, and we'd had one out at a bar before, the drink version. but sam's shot was so tasty.

gave that a minute. i was still fine at that point. i should know by now that if i'm having more than one beer, shots don't get figured into the occasion. but it was my BIRTHDAY. so i was into it.

that was probably when kit and i had cigarette number two. and i was feeling a little numb. and i had a little water, we'd already eaten, but i couldn't stomach all that much. about half of my food, because i was nervous.

we went back inside and i said that i would have only a half pint more. and then be done. but kit was imperative about not leaving the bar before ten on my birthday. so she ordered another beer. and just like this summer, knowing i was exceeding my limit and letting peer pressure effect me at 33, i let them talk me into one last beer. i switched to pbr for its water-like qualities. only sam gave it to me in the boot. as in, das boot.

luckily, i knew that there was a trick to drinking from it that involved turning it on its side about 2/3rds of the way in.

still, i felt fine while i was there. finished the boot and came home. sat on the stoop to have a smoke, and everything hit me.

wicked spins, just awful. took my time standing up and turning around. got inside my apartment, and stripped down. into the bathroom. 'don't throw up. don't throw up.' got into bed. 'i'm gonna throw up'.

into the bathroom just in time. get it over with. stop spinning. please. stop spinning.

how did i let myself get here? i hate this. i can prevent this. why did i do this again?

you know. drunken toilet prayer thoughts.

whatever. then my buzzer rang. and my phone. and then knocking on my door.

i knew it was kit, and i knew she was coming to borrow the vacuum she'd forgotten, because she left the bar in a hurry when her friend arrived into town.

but i couldn't stand up and stop puking, so i couldn't let her in.

finally, i was able to.

she was in and back out after asking me if i was sick. was i okay? 'yes fine. go. i'm fine.'

which is what i do when i'm sick. if i see or hear someone else getting sick, i'll get sick. so when it's me who is sick, i have to be alone. i don't want anyone to see or hear or be there at all.

so she left, and i got sick again, and now i'm having a hard time remembering everything. i know that the second time i stripped down completely, grabbed a towel and wrapped myself in it on the tile floor because i was hot-cold and it felt best. i know i laid there for a while before i could go to bed. and when i went to bed, i had insane dreams, and kept waking up and trying to go back to sleep. i know i got up at 7 and took cold medicine. and i know i couldn't physically get out of bed and stay out until almost 10.

i was so fucking hungover. maybe the worst ever, but it just feels that way. having to work really sucked, even though it was a driving day. i almost cried so many times today. feeling sick and sorry for myself. it took two hours for me to drink a coffee. i had a splitting headache and can't take motrin because of surgery, so i couldn't do anything about it.

i really felt horrible, and honestly wanted a beer at 10 to make it go away, but didn't.

drove to work on a flat tire. intuition is a funny thing. i knew my tires were low. and i had told myself to fill them on my way in. but feeling so fucking awful made me not want to get out in the freezing cold (20s) and bend over to fill my tires. so i didn't. and when i got to work, saw that my tire was entirely flat. don't know how i didn't feel it when i was driving.

so i left there, luckily only a 5 minute drive from home and less than that to the air pump.

filled all my tires, and it was fine. drove to delaware.

listening to my mix and trying not to cry.

it was awful. i didn't want to go. but i was out of gas and smokes and beer, and knew that i needed a beer as soon as i was home to get the hangover to subside a little.

so i stopped and got all of that. and went in. and michele was asking me why i looked so upset. so i spilled about being hungover from last night, and how no one else showed up and all about ever problems and surgery.

debbie downer strikes again. and then got to work for a little while.

managed to stuff down a dry plain bagel i snagged from work, and the rest of my coffee from work, and left as soon as i could without feeling guilty. came home. had a pbr. felt okay enough to eat food leftover from last night. had half a beer more sometime after that, but stopped because i'm not supposed to drink tonight.

just had a smoke now, couldn't finish that one either.

ugh. so gross.

in any case... i need to try to clear my head.

not as in clear my mind.

as in, literally. try to mellow out.

i know that everything tomorrow will be fine. i know that it's not really a big deal. i know that it will be over with before i know it. and i know how glad i'll be when that lump is out of my armpit.

and in case it's not, and i'm not, then i will say a couple things. living will style:

nina, if anything happens to me, you are my paper journal guardian.

kit, you can tell ever about this blog. so he knows exactly what i think of him and his fucking bullshit. and so you can see the look on his face. kick him in the nuts, while you're at it. you can have anything i own that you want.

to my other real friends, i'm only sorry that i didn't get to have more time to be a better friend.

and to everyone else, random people i don't know, thanks for reading. it means a lot to me to see that you come back to see what trouble i'm in.

ever, i fucking hate you. you suck and you're an ass. i cannot believe that i married you. and if i could go back in time, i'd never meet you. enjoy the house and the money and my dog daughter. i hope you get what you deserve.

and because i can't end on that note, i know everything will be okay. i just had to get a little out of my system.

it doesn't help that i wrote a love note to kit for my fb status. and because i had blocked a few people (namely, coffee and his girl) so i wouldn't have to see them pop up all the time, i didn't see that coffee had a love letter to a band for his status. makes me want to unfriend him right this instant. just so no one thinks that i saw and stole.

unfriend them, along with intern. and a few other people.

maybe when i wake up and recover tomorrow, right after i eat a big plate of cake, i'll do that.

something about fearing death and making life changing decisions. not that unfriending people would change my life. but i think it would help me to not beat myself up and stalk people anymore. and beat myself about stalking people.

peace out, bloggers. catch ya on the flip. less one inch of lump.

meltdown. december 7th.

i don't even know what to write. another call home, another night of feeling like i'm headed for a big time snap. a meltdown.

mom sent my birthday package. i was thinking about it, walking around today. she always comes through, and always in time.

it was here when i got home.

instead of a birthday package, what she sent was simply incredible. birthday card on top. with money. but it was a huge package. with a christmas card.

it explained that, starting the day after tomorrow, there was a present for each day, until i go home. they're numbered. like an advent calendar, only for my trip home. she hopes it makes the time go by more quickly, and that it makes me happy every day until i am home.

i told her she topped herself, and probably will never be outdone.

she is seriously the most thoughtful person ever. the best mom ever. the package didn't make me cry, but i'm feeling kinda close to tears now that i'm writing about it.

each little thing is gift wrapped in christmasy stuff and dated and numbered on the tag. so i have twelve gifts lined up in front of my bookshelf. which means that i go home in thirteen days.

it's okay that i'm shaky over ever. last night was a big deal.

i'm going to have to actively try tomorrow to not be super mopey. i have been feeling like debbie downer for about two weeks now. since i got sick, since kit's fam came to town. since thanksgiving.

but tomorrow i'm going to have to assume the 'fake it til i make it' position.

i told kit. it's most important that i spend my birthday having a drink with her. but aside from that, i'm afraid to get my hopes up that any other person would show up. because i'm already so sad that i don't want one more thing to be sad about. especially not the ratio of people invited to people making an appearance.

i only have a few close friends. and now that this ever thing is worse for me, i guess that i feel like i have even fewer. even if that isn't exactly the case. in my head is where they're lacking. and i guess that i'm the only one who has changed.

in any case, work will be fun tomorrow. goofing off with the girls in some ridiculous hat they bought for me to wear all day long. it reminds me of middle school. my mom and friends would buy balloons. i always loved carrying them around. because people who wouldn't normally stop and say hi or ask me about my day would. it will be a little like that tomorrow. it's going to make the day more fun. and will be a great excuse to flirt with cute boys. even if it only lasts for a day. it will be nice to feel a little special.

letter from a lawyer, and to ever. dec 6th.

so. as previously mentioned, saturday night, i emailed my lawyer a list of six questions. today, i got the answers.

most of them, honestly, were better than i expected.

so below, i'm paraphrasing my email to the lawyer, and then his answers.

1. is the divorce contingent upon the marital settlement, or does the divorce get granted regardless of what happens when we go to court to settle the property matters?

if he won't sign the papers, then i have to wait for two years to get it without his signature. as a desperate measure, i can seek spousal support. i probably won't get it, but it might make him react faster and sign.

2. can you give me dates/timelines for each part of the process?

if he signed, it would take one to two months.

the expedited relief request will be in the mail in the next couple of days.

3. if i have to make the mortgage payment(s), am i able to move back into the home, or did i lose that ability because i left him and the house? and is there a way to have him removed from the house (like you would have someone evicted) for non-payment?

if i pay it, i can request exclusive property to the home and try to have him kicked out.

i can reenter anytime, because i still own the home. i can move back in if i want to.

if i were to threaten him, he can file this thing called a protection from abuse and he can have me blocked or removed from the home that way.

4. am i legally allowed to step inside the house at this point in time?

yes, but he recommends i warn him.

5. can i send a realtor in to see the house? basically, i have no idea what condition it is in, and what work will need to be done before it goes on the market, and if i could send her in to take pictures, i'd have a much better idea.

yep. again, with warning. i can do whatever i want.

6. is it a bad idea to contact him? we have until the 12th to pay the insurance before they cancel the policy. i closed the joint checking account yesterday, because he was using it and overdrawing it, but he isn't aware that i closed it. part of me wants to email and tell him these things, and ask if he is planning to pay the mortgage.

contact him via email for a paper trail. it might speed things along.

so this is what i'm sending to ever:

just wanted to let you know that the joint checking account is closed. you paid another bill from it, so i closed it on friday.

state farm is about to cancel the homeowners insurance policy because you haven't paid your portion of the bill.

your portion (the past due balance) is $210.16. if the payment is not made by the 12th, the house will not be insured by state farm any longer. at that point, gmac would have to cover it by default, and the rate will be 2-3 times what it is with state farm.

please use the log in you were using for the first six months and pay the bill in the next few days to keep that from happening.

gmac has been in touch with me because you are over 30 days delinquent on the mortgage. i don't know if you realize that, at 60 days delinquent, the bank forecloses on the house.

i'm not sure what is going on with you, but thought i would email you to let you know about the bank account, and the collections calls i've been receiving.

also, i asked jay to help me move the jazz & java stuff out of the basement, in case he mentions it to you. i'm going to try to get it out of there in the next couple weeks. if he can't help me, i'll be doing it myself. i'll do my best to give you a heads up before i show up as a courtesy, if that is what ends up happening.

so i should feel better. right? only i don't. i haven't sent it. but i wrote it. so i'm almost done with it.

because his reaction will probably take a few days, because that's what he likes to do. and then it could go one of a few ways. these are my best guesses:

mostly likely: absolutely nothing. no response. because he won't put things in writing.
or because he's not physically able (dead, braindead, etc. not very likely...)

also likely: a text back. yes i keep them.

which reminds me that i can get a pfa against him because he threatened that restraining order a while back.

next set of possibilities:

a. fuck you. (can be combined with other possibilities)

b. i'm not going to pay the bills. because you left me. (totally expect this)

c. everyone moved out and i have no money. (he'd never admit this to me)

d. i'm paying everything tomorrow. (a girl can dream, right?)

e. if you want them paid, then you pay them. (this is what i'm expecting to have to do in the next few days whether he says it or not)

so here i sit. with the same fucked up feeling of wanting to get shitfaced and forget about it.

i read this blog for most of the day at suck store today. it's called six spruce. the woman is brilliant and mouthy and says fuck a lot, which wins in my book.

after reading a post that was my favorite, the one immediately after it almost made me cry. so blunt. so moving.

i'm going to bed. i still am not well. i'm still not anywhere near well. i'm coughing like crazy and can't breathe.

and tonight? no nyquil. i hope i sleep.

acclimation. december 5th.

will i just get used to this?

i mean, today i was driving to lunch with lauren, and my heart was racing and my hands were shaking. i was a nervous wreck. for no reason at all.

i feel physically ill most of the time, and when it passes, i'm starving. i was alternating thinking about contacting ever and my surgery and i just couldn't calm myself down.

luckily, i didn't have the ativan on me, or i would have popped one. i didn't need it. i just needed to calm down.

and i hate that it took about a third of a beer at 3pm to feel normal, and able to eat.

all weekend, i just wanted to be drunk. i didn't achieve it. but i just had this feeling inside. because if i'm drinking, then i'm not upset. i just get angry, and that is an entirely different feeling than the nervous anxiety i feel before i drink.

how do people deal with this shit? how am i supposed to deal with ever calling all the shots out of my ear distance? when his method of calling is just to do nothing.

today, i worried about him not paying the homeowners policy that is now in his name. because now i have no way to know if it's handled. like my new fear developed today that he'll change the password on the mortgage account so i can't see it. i think he forgot that i have it, luckily.

it's too close to bedtime to think and write about this. it's 9 and i already took my nyquil because i'm up super early yet again, and i'm wide awake because i'm on my weekend up late schedule. luckily, i woke up before 9 both days this weekend and didn't go back to sleep.

in other news, chalk is now actively buttering me up for my trip home.

flirting heavily, telling me he'll take my mind off my problems if i just spend a couple hours with him.

at least i'll get laid when i get home.

that has to help, right?

i can't even say that i've been redlining. i've had no drive at all since he was here last. i still want to make out for days at a time, but it's different. that whole 'itch i can't scratch' feeling has completely abandoned my body.

at least i'll get a make out fix, too.

i want to make it my goal to make out with someone besides him before the new year, but i don't think it will happen. i don't have my sights set on anyone.

and lately, to make matters more complicated (simpler, actually), i've been wanting to unfriend both intern and coffee, because it's like some variation of a constant reminder of conquests gone badly to see things that they take time to mention. or other people's pictures they appear in.

most of the time, neither of them bother me. as far as thinking about them... but then, intern isn't joining for my birthday karaoke, and even though he would probably be the only guy there, which is probably why he said no, it's still a bummer.

and then coffee. well, let's just say that his new life with his love is a little much to see all the time. i hid her first, but he's been posting things that have just made it sink in. and completely ignoring the one comment i made.

so it just goes to show that neither of them are doing anything positive for me. so i hid coffee. and i'll see if i can muster the strength to delete them.

maybe it will be my birthday present to myself.

and in yet another completely unrelated newsline, nina was right about buffy. the first three seasons, meh. nothing really spectacular, save for two or three episodes that were pretty well done.

but season four is really funny, and the writing is improving, and i enjoyed all three episodes i watched tonight.

thanks, nina.

buffy has really helped me this last two weeks. that, and the middle. which has been a laugh fest.

i'm okay with distracting myself from all my real problems with fictional ones. i'm actually looking forward to suck store tomorrow, because i know i'll make tips and have an easy day. despite the bit about waking up so retardedly early.

i guess i can write tomorrow. and hopefully read a little of that book, too.

i can relax a little, knowing i handled some business this weekend, and tomorrow i can clean my apartment and maybe even do my laundry, and not feel so bad about just sitting around all weekend, and going out a little, too, and not getting anything done around the apartment.

i'm dreading this week. and i shouldn't be. i mean, there are legitimate reasons to dread it. but there's also a couple things to look forward to. like my birthday.

i just hope it's better than the last few.

i can't believe that last year, i was home now. and halfway through my trip. in fact, to think about it, tonight was probably the exact night that coffee showed up and knocked me on my ass.

i can't believe how much i cried when i had to fly back here to ever and a shitty life.

so this birthday has to be better than that. even if it isn't spent having wine with lindsey and mom's birthday cake that i was too nervous to eat.

one thing is for certain. i won't be wasting my wish this year on stupid coffee. all i wanted was a phone call.

and i never got that wish.

it's fine.

i've come a long way. and hopefully 2011 and 33 will be my year. things will have to get easier after they get worse.

i just keep wishing time away. and i know that's not right.

i just keep wishing for it to be summer. so i can reach some crazy goal i set for myself without buckling. and be home where things are slow and easy and ever-free.

i should do some writing exercises. but i'd rather watch the next buffy and drift off to sleep.

goodnight, blogger. goodnight, moon.

cold sweats. december 4th.

so somehow i forgot a story last night. it would have been update two, but i'm just going to lump it on with this one.

the last two nights, i've woken up from nightmares flat on my back, soaked in sweat.

the majority of the time, when i'm having nightmares, i'm paralyzed in my sleep, and i wake up flat on my back.

two night ago, it was almost two in the morning. i woke up because of a metal on metal crashing sound. and i guess that, because i was having a nightmare, the following thoughts made perfect half-awake logical sense to me.

i had taken my wall unit out of the window before i went to sleep. there's a draft in my room because of it, it was letting 20-30 degree air in. so i put it on the floor under the window.

and in my waking from the metal crash, i woke up. and thought that someone had thrown a gun or something into my window and the sound was it hitting the unit. there was no glass sound, so i can't really understand how scared i was, sure that i couldn't get up or sit up in bed to see what had made the noise because i either thought someone was throwing things in or was inside my place. for probably five minutes, my heart was racing and i was sweating even more. terrified to move.

it's leftover from that shootout on thanksgiving. but after those five minutes, i knew what the noise was and sat up and verified.

i had put a cake pan of water on the radiator because the dry heat from the radiator had been giving me a sore throat worse than the one from my cold. it had fallen off and behind the radiator while i was asleep. mystery solved.

so today was strange. i got a facebook message from someone i knew in high school, and even though we weren't really friends, we were classmates senior year. she was coming to phila for the day and i'd agreed to meet her for a drink sometime after lunch and before dinner.

i ran errands with kit, and she texted that they were having lunch instead of dinner at my favorite restaurant, and could i meet then. but i couldn't. they ended up leaving before dinner, so i didn't end up seeing her at all.

so kit and i went to lunch instead, and then we watched some episodes of 'the middle' and i came home. sat down, started to queue up a 'buffy' episode, and my dad called me.

i answered, wondering why he was calling. he's been calling me about once a week, which is pretty odd, but i've been going with it. he was calling to ask if it was snowing and if it was super cold.

but then he asked about ever and the divorce.

which became over a one hour conversation. toward the end, he said that he was probably stressing me out even more by making me talk to him about it.

and i had thought that more than once while i was talking to him. but he's really the only person (other than my shrink) that i've talk to about it for any length of time since things have become increasingly stressful for me.

part of the errands i ran today were for mailing the paperwork and second half of my retainer to the lawyer.

i felt sick on the way, and shaking when i left the post office after having sent it off. back and forth between starving (i hadn't eaten yet, and it was about 3pm) and nauseous.

i managed to put it aside thanks to kit. and then came home to dad asking a million questions. most of which i can't answer at all.

and it got me all worked up again.

it's just so stressful right now.

and i know that i could just email ever and say three things and feel differently about it. but i'm afraid to. one, because i have a feeling i know the answers. two, because i don't want him to know that he is succeeding at stressing me out and pissing me off.

i'd tell him i closed the joint account. tell him to pay state farm the $210 he owes them so i don't have to. and ask if he intends to pay the mortgage for last month or this month.

so i emailed my lawyer instead and asked if that was a bad idea.

along with other questions i have with the divorce in general.

i never should have left the house. i know that. and all of this now is because i have no control over him and his choices.

speeding this thing up is going to be expensive. i thought it would be done two months ago. and i can't believe that i'm no closer to it being over, ultimately, now than i was six months ago when i filed it.

kit keeps telling me to make a list, but that chore seems so scary. it's like, if i don't write it down, maybe i won't have to deal with it. or something. avoider tendencies at their best, i supposed.

landlord just came out and apologized for the tone i thought he was taking. but that no one has been paying rent on time and that his bills are piling up.

i told him i'm under stess too and that i don't take it lightly. and said nothing else, so he walked away after saying that he wasn't trying to say i'm irresponsible.

whatever. got that out of the way. without telling him to fuck off. a plus? debatable...

i guess there should be two lists. here i go...

one is what i'm afraid of. what i worry about.

this one is harder than the list of things to do. i wrote that one out first, proving my own point.

i'm afraid of having to pay the mortgage and not getting it back.

i'm afraid that he'll sue me for alimony.

i'm afraid that i can't kick him out of the house, and that i can't move back in even if i have to pay the mortgage.

i'm afraid that he threw the things for my coffee work away.

i'm afraid that, if he didn't, that i'll have to go and get them myself.

i'm afraid that he changed the locks. which doesn't really matter, because honestly, i don't know where my house keys are anyway.

i'm afraid that i'm going to get fucked over in court.

i'm afraid that he's going to drag this out for the maximum amount of allowable time.

i'm afraid that i'll never be granted my divorce.

i'm afraid that the house is destroyed.

i'm afraid that i'll have to go there to paint and do other things to get it ready for sale.

i'm afraid that i'll have to see him in court.

i'm afraid that i'll have to see him at all.

i'm afraid that i'll have to arrange things related to the house with him.

i'm afraid that he'll find a way to stay in the house and make me pay for it.

i'm afraid to email him.

i'm afraid not to. that all he is waiting for is contact from me.

i'm afraid that my lawyer is an idiot.

i'm afraid that i'm confused because my lawyer is confused, not because i'm overwhelmed and stressed and panicky.

i'm afraid that the judge won't file an order to make him keep up with the payments.

i'm afraid that the judge will see this as my fault and award him accordingly.

i'm afraid that my dog is dead or dying, and that he wouldn't tell me.

i'm afraid that i'll never see her again.

or that, if i do, she won't know who i am anymore. or care.

i'm afraid that i'll have to move out of my apartment and lose my deposit.

i'm afraid that i'll have to move home ahead of schedule.

i'm afraid that my parents won't be able to help me financially.

i'm afraid that the roommates moved out.

i'm afraid that i'll have to see them if i have to go there.

there are so many things that i am afraid of. but this is what i'm fixated on, and have been for the last few months.

part of me wants to pay the bills from his account and play dumb.

part of me wants to drive past the house and see what i can see.

part of me wants to find a person who can go there and spy for me and tell me everything.

i'm afraid that he would see me drive past.

i'm afraid that i'll lose a friend just for asking them to tell me things.

i'm afraid that i'll be in florida at some critical point in the court related stuff that i have no way of knowing until i'm already down there.

i'm afraid that i won't be able to get things fixed at the house before it goes on the market. and that i don't have to money to fix things anyway.

i'm afraid that i'll have to get a restraining order against him.

the other is what i have to do.

get tax paperwork together to show his income.

get the mortgage paperwork together to show what was qualified from his income vs mine.

get credit card statements together, in case he denies that the majority of our debt was from his business.

make a list of everything i left at the house when i moved.

make a list of his business equipment and inventory.

find the car paperwork to show what was financed and when.

find the house invoices for everything my parents paid for.

house related to do list (an afterthought)

paint the walls.

repair the bathroom ceiling.

make ever replace the shower in his shop that he singlehandedly destroyed.

carpet the hallway on the second floor.

paint over the chalkboard wall.

shellac the exposed brick.

it's not that it's so much to do. everything for the most part is all in one place. i just have to look through it all and have it in a divorce box.

on the plus side, i rearranged my most recent mix, and took off the songs i tend to skip when i listen to it, and added in some songs that i wanted to add. and it's solid now.

also, i paid all my bills and have a nice chunk of money left over. despite sending the lawyer $500, i still have $1000 that is extra. granted, that might go to the mortgage. but i'm proud of myself for actually saving up that much money. i've never saved up that much before, so i'm making progress as a human.

to the pile of worries, i have all the surgery worries freaking me out.

and now, because it's getting closer to the time of night when i need to go to bed, i have to stop this.

when i told dad that he wasn't stressing me out, and that it's probably healthy to talk about it as much as i think about it, i said that it's okay to deal with it as long as i don't do it right before bed. because then i can't sleep and have nightmares, and get all worked up.

so i'll sign off and watch some buffy and think back to my days at college that first year. how different and great things felt back then. how i ran around carefree and boycrazy.

and not think about how off-track my life got right after that.

leftovers. december 3rd.

so these were things i didn't get to talk about yesterday...

first thing in the morning, robbie came for a visit. which was awesome. we both had a lot to talk about. he hung around for a while.

(i wasn't even busy this morning at all. i've been hanging out mostly alone all day long. goofing off on fb as per the usual.)

marital inventory.

so, the divorce is going to court. already knew this. when this happens, a judge splits up all the stuff for you. it sucks.

the car will be dragged into it, the business, everything we own.

it really sucks, because i didn't want it to come to this.

but ever is being a jackass, so now it is.

i'm actually pretty scared.

i gave everything going in, and now he is going to get half again coming out. why does it have to be this way?

just keep your eyes on the prize, tea. the house will sell. and you can buy anything that you want.

mortgage people.

after checking online to make sure that ever still hadn't paid the bill, i called them to get info.

of course, it went to the collections department. of course they tried to get a payment from me, more than once.

of course, they have been unable to reach ever, despite calling him every day.

of course, my credit is already being negatively affected as far as they are concerned. we're now 32 days delinquent. by we i mean he, but my credit score.

i thought it was delightful when the nice man on the phone offered to take my name off of the account if i was concerned with my credit, since i'm in the divorce process.

i said, 'doesn't that mean that i wouldn't own the house anymore?'

and he said, 'yes.'

is he serious????? what a fucking dolt.

there should really be a way to have rights in this situation. i can't believe that i am dealing with this.


so after that awesomeness, i called my lawyer to pay the retainer over the phone.

and he sent me the emergency hearing petition to look over. it's pretty interesting. what it means is that we're asking a judge to force ever to make the house payments and insurance payments on time.

i hope it works.

i am still insanely confused about how this whole legal process works, and i really do hope that my lawyer isn't the one confusing me. now that we're on this whole hourly basis thing, i know all about rounding up billable hours, and i hope he doesn't fuck me over royally.

i think that the emergency petition is separate from the equitable distribution of marital property hearing. i think this is just to get a court order against him, and that the divorce hearing will be later down the road.

can't this shit be over with already? he's going to take me to the cleaners. fml. let's just get it over with...

onto some things that are a little brighter.

mono lake.

so a while back, i made a list of all the little places from southern california to portland that i wanted to go to on my stargazing road trip.

while i was looking at each place, in an effort to see how far apart the places were, and how many days of driving it would take to really get to each one, i was goofing off on google maps.

and while i was on yosemite, exploring to see where there were roads, and how scary it would be to drive there because it is so far removed from civilization, i stumbled upon this little lake that was nearby, called mono lake.

the water looked cool on the map, so i zoomed in as far as it would let me. and there was this little island in the middle. i don't know. i started daydreaming. is there a house on the island? is there a boat on the map because one happened to be there when they took the images? could i explore the lake?

what i didn't know then was what was going on at mono lake.

yesterday, when i read the first post about the discovery at mono lake, i was trying to figure out why the strange name sounded so familiar to me. about two seconds later, i realized what i was thinking of. i went back to google maps. sure enough.

alien (in the strictest sense of the word) dna was discovered there. at the little lake i stared at maybe a month ago.

what are the chances? the only other lake i've ever done that with is tahoe, and that's only because i'm so familiar with driving around it that i wanted to see what it looked like from above.

all this only a day after another similar incident.

i went to the bar alone on monday night to have dinner. so i took the book i've been trying to read for the last couple months. i don't know why i'm so non-committal about it, but i have had the hardest time making myself read it, even though it's pretty interesting.

so i was at the bar, reading 'awakening intuition'. and i was only reading for maybe 20 minutes. not a lot.

but the chapter was about how our brains store memories. how some people think that every single thing we see/hear/feel/smell/taste is stored in our brains somewhere forever. how some people think that it's all stored, but if it's not accessed immediately, the connection to it is lost. and the role sleep plays, with dreams, to process all of this information. to try out possible future scenarios/outcomes while we sleep. and how it might be a process of discarding things as well. how we'd never remember something that we saw laying on the ground when we walked past it, unless we had an experience that made us remember it (like slipping on a bottlecap).

so the next night, i was talking to kit about dreams. and then i went home. and saw a post about new research talking about sleep and memories. research supporting the very thing i was reading about at the bar the night before.

in my book called 'awakening intuition'. after the dream about snow on thanksgiving morning, to wake up and see snow falling. i still can't believe it.

it's all pretty strange. and i always love those collective consciousness things. they happen in threes, so maybe it's over now.

in any case, it was eerie while it lasted.

and now? i need to locate some food. i'm hungry. and really overly ready to go home. it is so super dead here today. i forgot that fridays tend to suck. and i'm back on monday. woo hoo.

can't hardly wait.

* * *


cleaning up the shop and remembering something that i started to realize yesterday, and came to fully realize today.

okay. so this goes back to the thing with the elevens.

alright. obsessed, right?

so it all started the year i was born. 1977. 77 is a multiple of 11.

my 11th birthday was spent welcoming my sister to the world in our brand new house in a brand new neighborhood. we didn't have carpet yet when i had my party. crazy stuff.

i just realized that i was telling my shrink on monday that i haven't enjoyed a birthday since my 22nd.

my 22nd birthday was spent moping because the excitement of 21 had worn off. i had just moved home a few weeks before from tahoe. i was depressed, and had just retreated to my parents' house after being on my own for a year.

and now here i am, about to celebrate my 33rd birthday. and i'm retreating home again, after being on my own for almost eight years.

it's interesting that this is my 11 year cycle as an adult. move home every eleven years? wow.

i realized this because i was thinking about how 2011 is right around the corner. i'll be 33 for most of '11. and then thinking back, realized i was 22 in '99 and 11 in '88.

i just thought it was funny. and that i should add it to this post.