dizzy spell. october 16th.

so i realize that this is the time when i'd have all my journals out and covering my floor, reevaluating every decision i've ever made.

but i'm not doing that this year. i promised myself that i wouldn't. i buried the bin of journals in the furthest depths of my closet to dissuade myself from doing it despite the pact.

last night, after writing the post of the beginnings of blogs, i went to the beginning of mine. and read the first few entries, just to see how my style has evolved.

and besides talking around things and being super secretive about my feelings and thoughts, nothing has really changed. which i kinda liked.

i did realize a few things. first and foremost, reading the blog was essentially like consulting the journal of the last year or so. but it's not at all the same as reading the journals, because those are much more in-depth and real and honest.

part of me wants to just read that last one before i left. the one where i was going to the gym all the time, and spending an extra hour in the car after, writing. because i did not want to go home to ever.

and mostly, i was venting about him anyway.

the second thing i realized is that my blog turned one year old and i missed it. october 4th was the first post.

the third thing i realized is that tomorrow would have been one year since that insane conversation after one of my first few lunches with kit when i went home and launched into this huge thing with ever. the one where i told him that i feel like his mom. the one where we made a bunch of agreements about what he needed to do to help me and make me feel more like his wife.

one. whole. year.

it's almost impossible to believe. i know from reading how i was feeling. and what i was thinking. i was determined at that point to stay together, but knew deep down that it was over as far as i was concerned.

i just can't believe it. i never would have said then, 'in a year from now, i'll be in an apartment alone, in the midst of a divorce. and i'll be HAPPIER.'

it blows my mind.

and i probably will continue to read forward, and see how it all unraveled so quickly.

today was this huge beer fest on the block next to mine. i mean, it still is going on.

and i walked over there at about two for a first cigarette of the day, in lieu of sitting on my stoop.

and there were a lot of people, and somehow i didn't know any of them. it made me sad, and i felt too awkward to stay, so i came home.

and i watched a documentary about ra ra riot, who i'm just starting to fall in love with.

and then straight from that into a documentary about the pixies reunion tour, called 'loudQUIETloud'. it was really interesting. unsettling. sad. but really good.

and then finished getting ready for the game tonight. my big night out.

and then went back to the block party.

and there were three times as many people. and i still didn't know anyone. and the boys. dear god. i think i fell in love over there like eight times. yet, i had the feeling that i needed to get out. fast. so i did.

last saturday, i walked from my apartment, and i had this dizzy spell. it almost felt like i was going to pass out. i felt wobbly. and more lightheaded than the spells i get from time to time.

and it happened again today when i went to the block party the first time.

i don't like it.

i don't know why it's happening.

but it's something new and different. the only thing in common was a second cup of coffee (normal) and a first cigarette of the day (several hours after i normally have one).

it doesn't make sense.

but it is something physical. so i'm noting it.

i have this feeling like something that is either really good or really bad is about to happen to me. butterflies in my stomach. and a general sense of unease. it could go either way.

i'm grateful to not be driving tonight. kit and i are going to take the train to the bar. parking here is madness anyway, but i just want to be able to enjoy myself and drink what i want and not worry about driving across the city to get home.

i straightened my hair today. i guess i got the idea last night. my hair was straighter than normal because i'd washed it and worn it in pigtails all day. and i realized just how long my hair is getting. so today, i had nothing better to do, i took the iron to it.

it's past my shoulders.

it completely changes the way that i look. i feel like i look funny, but once i get used to seeing it, i like it.

when you grow up with crazy curly hair your whole life, the feeling of running your fingers through your own straight hair is pretty remarkable. kinda like running your tongue over your teeth when you get your braces off. hair and teeth both feel slick and smooth. it also feels like you're exposed. the wind can completely clear your face of your hair. your teeth feel bare.

interesting parallel.

i think i just needed a change.

after the night i had last night, i wanted to feel like a different person today. putting my best foot forward or something. wearing a sweater i don't normally wear, with hair that is completely different. i have to turn a new leaf somehow. maybe this will kickstart that.

yesterday was the hardest day i've had in a while. i just couldn't smile. and i fought tears twice. well, not fought. i would have welcomed them. but almost was able to cry twice. almost.

and i wasn't really kidding when i told kit i wanted to go on a bender yesterday. only i paced myself and never even got tipsy. maybe tonight will be the night that i get a little carried away. and super festive.

tomorrow will be low key, so i guess i'm allowed.

kit burned 500 days of summer for me. so that will probably be what i do with part of my day tomorrow. i have a second lunch date with lauren, i'm sure we both have a lot to get off our chests. i know that i do. and i'm guessing that she's going through something similar and relative in her love life, or lack thereof, in my case.

it makes sense to have a rough emotional week. the rest have just been physically and mentally exhausting.

and one more random thing. well, two.

last night, in watching fringe and the office, two interesting things happened. and i guess i'd normally not notice, but because of the book, i'm a little hypersensitive right now.

first, on the office, which i was only watching because i couldn't find 500 days online to stream, there was a reference to it.

it made me feel a little funny. and i noted it, i suppose. and kept watching.

then i put on fringe, and went into the kitchen because i was wanting to finish the twizzler nibs i got for the dc road trip. before that trip, i don't even remember the last time i had twizzlers. it was a strange craving. and i came back from grabbing them and unpaused fringe, and peter brought walter twizzlers.

it was just weird.

time for the game. here's to hoping that it is something good and exciting that is making me feel ill...

two of everything. oct 15th, still. barely.

it's 1159.

double rainbows. double papercuts. double posts.

i don't know why i'm even doing this. maybe it was finishing double blogs.

i finished reading back to the beginning of hyperbole this week. and i feel like my life is less happy because of it. i have to wait a month for something new to reference like everyone else now. it sucks ass.

i also just finished reading back to the very beginning of the writer's blog.

and in between that, taking smoke breaks, reading 'awakening intuition'.

i don't know what i hope to discover with all of this reading.

what i discovered in the case of both blogs is that they started out being something entirely different than what they are when you go to them now. hyperbole didn't have comics in the very beginning, and her style was very different. but still, very funny. sporadically.

and what i love love love is that when the writer started his blog, it was journalistic. it was about him and his life and what he thinks. and even sometimes included feelings.

i truly adore his writing style, even when he writes about suicide or murder or other horrible things. and as the short stories became journalistic posts regressing in time, i laughed more and i was really interested in his perception of things. his writing is so veiled. you want to think that some of the things he writes about are from his life. and i wrote about it when i spent that evening in his company: he keeps you guessing. part of you doesn't know if he's fabricating a story or supplying an honest answer in response to a question.

but in the beginning, i believed that he was being honest and real, and talking about things in his life. there were two lines specifically that killed me. one was about loving 'old lady fright'. the other was about wanting to make a gentlemanly exit after a reading (as opposed to drunkenly falling into a swimming pool all dressed up upon exiting the makeshift stage).

i was cracking up. his writing had a nice humor to it back then. dark still, but funny, too.

it's fun to imagine people in their daily lives. especially a gifted writer/photographer friend. he painted a nice picture with words. it made me want to go out drinking with him, and then feed him. it made me wish that i had been able to go out there now. because this is pretty much the week when i'd wanted to go see his city for the first time.

i like returning to a muse when i am feeling downtrodden, uninspired, and lonely. it makes me feel better about feeling worse.

and the book is strange. i'm trying to stick with it, in hopes that it will give me some great enlightenment. like the secret answer to some great question. it was about bodies and medical issues at first, which i don't really find myself in agreement with or support of. because she's basically saying that if you have unresolved emotional issues in your life, you will get sick. and if you fix them, you can get better.

happy people get sick all the time. and changing things in your life doesn't always make you well.

but now she is moving on to dreams, so that part is really interesting to me. again with issues with generalizations, she says that dreams are our body's way of working out life choices and decisions and possibilities. again, i wish i could subscribe to that completely.

i mean, i do. i love my dreams. having and remembering them, anyway. even when they're weird and don't make sense.

and most of the time, it's obvious to me what they are about. but i have too many ghost dreams to think that my brain is so stupid that it wants to make out with a dead guy. or marry a dead guy. or sleep with a dead guy. or be the girlfriend of a dead guy.

i just don't think that dreams about the house are about parts of my body. i think they're dreams about my house because i miss my house. and girls moving into my house and taking my place, because it's not what i fear, but it's what is inevitable.

tonight was also hard for me because there were two events. and i couldn't go to either. because i knew ever would probably make an appearance at both somehow. so instead of knowing for sure he'd be at one, and going to the other, i came home at seven and got into bed.

and drank.

and watched fringe and the office.

and then read for hours. i guess three.

until my eyes watered. they still are.

i should probably go to sleep now.

but one more smoke and one more stab at intuition book sounds so much better right now.

maybe one day, i'll stay up until the sunrise. dark sky style. it's pretty fucking cold here right now. in the upper 40s the last few nights, only 50s in the daytime. and i have been wanting to go camping.

the problem is, i don't specifically want to go camping. i want to go snuggle camping with a person of the male persuasion. unfortunately, it's nearly always intern in my brain when i have camping daydreams.

that's right. i substitute all the distractions when i'm feeling this shitty. coffee. intern. hot bartender. even chalk. i'm thinking about going home and having a little fun.

if i keep the time short, it will be sweet and condensed and wonderful. no talking. no bragging. no walking in uncomfortable shoes. no being caught out in public by friends of ever. no canoodling at local watering holes.

get my fix. move it along.

nina pointed it out.

i simply MUST find someone local.

i'm not even in dire need right now. tonight.

but i need to have a plan in place so that when i am in need, when it is critical, i can take care of things and not worry about airfare and three day weekends being part of the deal.

i think that in processing all of this coffee stuff, and while driving today, i know what it is that i was thinking about.

i miss having someone to curl up with. and even though it means sleepless nights, ultimately, it was nice to have a boy who was my friend who i could fall asleep next to. who was happy to hold me, and not try to fuck me, and not even kiss me. it was such an innocent thing.

we were just friends who curled up.

and i think that more than having a buddy, that is what i want.

i want someone to want to hold me. and i want to be held.

the temperature has dropped significantly. enough to sleep with the windows closed.

can you tell?

the sound of the other shoe dropping. oct 15th.


this is what i was waiting for. only there aren't really tears. i wish there were, so i could just get it over with.

i had a panic attack in the car coming back from delaware today.

i blame it on the brain-heart barrier.

i know. i KNOW for certain. i do not want to be with coffee.

and i know. also for certain. i want this thing with ever to be over for real.

i knew that i would feel something eventually. it would be so much easier if i had words for what it even is that i feel.

i feel sick in the pit of my stomach. i feel sad. but i don't have words for why.

i guess, in driving today, that i figured out parts of it. because i know the next short story i'm going to write. i figure that if i wrote all this fiction about what i thought would happen with coffee before this summer happened to me, i should probably write a fictionalized account of what ended up happening.

because this is the thing. the story i wrote about running away with him? that girl is doing that with him now. and i think that more than anything, that is what is fucking with me.

it's not that i want to be with him, or run away and play house with him. however, getting him out of home town is probably the only way to keep the relationship without the jealousy and worry i would have felt, with him running amok in home town with girls. i probably could have handled him away from all those girls of his past and present. that was really the root of the reasons i don't want anything to do with him anymore.

it's the death of a dream, though. one that kept me going and inspired when my marriage sucked.

it's the embarrassment i feel when i think about the time i told nina, through tears in a chat late one night after ever had passed out, that i still cried for coffee. because of what i thought it would be like to be with him, and the fact that i could do nothing at the time. it's the same embarrassment i feel when i prayed (or something like it) in that post for there to be a dog fight that his dog won.

all that happened is that there was nothing to my tears over him, my marriage ended regardless of him, and he lost part of a pinky finger in the dog fight. and she didn't move out as a result.

and i guess the reason this all happened to my brain today is because, if i went home right now, and went to all the places he goes, there would be a coffee-sized hole. because they are not there anymore. they really moved. they did it. they ran away to start a life together.

he is gone. and though it will most likely not be forever, it's for a long, long time.

and i love that i'm going home regardless. i love that i'm still as excited about my trip in december. and by then, i'll probably be grateful to not worry about how i look or what i'm wearing, because i won't have to worry about having a run-in with coffee.

but at the same time, something i thought i wanted for something like thirteen years is now gone. i can't revisit it and rekindle it. i can't do anything about it. i tried.

and i know that i got closure. i know that i said what i needed to say, and that he had nothing to say. and that solidified the closure.

and all that any of it makes me feel and think is that i should have kissed him in december when i had the chance. or at least told him in december when i had the chance.

all i can do now is to make a promise to myself to never hesitate. ever again. never wait for the perfect opportunity to present itself. because if there is one thing i know about myself, i used all of my assertiveness on leaving ever. and that is as close to being assertive as i'll ever get.

so it's friday. it's seven. i just ate my first bite of food for the day. and had a couple beers with dinner. and now i'm in pajamas in bed. the tea that went out every night, staying out late and living it up, is a thing of the past. i'm feeling like i'm punishing myself, even though i'm not.

staying in on a friday. thinking about my failed marriage and all the boys i cannot have. hot bartender showed up right before we left. and i just wanted to SMELL him. just give him a long, heady sniff. he's as good as married. i just want to know what he smells like.

you know, just once, i think i'd like to think a boy was hot at the bar, and him smile or talk to me. something. anything to make me feel better than this.

unicorns! october 14th.

today i had a surprise visit from robbie!

sucky store sucks so much less when i get to see friends.

deb came by, too, but when rob was there, so we didn't get to catch up as i'd hoped.

rob hung out for maybe half an hour or so. we got to catch up in person, which was nice.

not much to say. i knew most of the stories he was telling me, just about what he's up to and doing every day, but there was some background info that i didn't have. but i really didn't have much to say. he'd been at it for 24 hours by that point, and was getting in his van to drive to new york, so it wasn't an old school visit of over an hour.

it was nice to see him. that is all.

aside from that, it was pretty busy for most of the morning. not busy, busy. but enough that i didn't get to my laptop until maybe noon or so.

i had pumpkin coffee, which was a lovely treat. it is almost time for eggnog lattes. i'm going to have to diet beforehand. i gain about ten pounds every fall from drinking eggnog lattes. holy hell. they sound so nasty. but seriously? the best thing ever.

last night, something interesting happened. i was daydreaming at night. what else is new? and i had one of those image flash things in my mind. i'm having tingles again right now thinking about it. a physical reaction.

so i guess it was from talking to my mom. who is very excited for the next stage in my life.

but it was a flash of me behind a bar. serving coffee, but it was my bar. and what's strange is that i was seeing myself. like a reflection, but from an outsider's point of view. or better yet, like a movie of myself.

and i guess i was thinking about meeting people. meeting cute boy customers. and the flash went into a more elaborate daydream.

but i was happy. i was happy and i was doing my own thing and i had my cafe/bar.

call me crazy. i'm reading this book called 'awakening intuition'. and though i feel like i'm not that intuitive, i'm hoping it helps me.

and i guess that having that flash, and the feeling it gave me, made me feel like there's hope for my future in some weird way. i don't know how to write what i feel.

aside from that, i had a good talk with kit last night. a pep rally of sorts.

and, as predicted, i got an email from brownies today.

maybe i'm intuitive when it comes to people. i do have an uncanny way of thinking of someone and then seeing them randomly. or reaching for my phone as it's about to ring. but when it comes to gut feelings, i really tend to be off more than on.

both nina and the writer got their brownie shipments. which makes me feel good in my heart.

and aside from that, i have nothing else to say.

crazy dreams. ten ten ten.

i went home but screwed up the days and went on a monday instead of a friday, and it was tuesday and i couldn't remember when i was supposed to leave, naturally. i always have dreams about missing flights, and getting times screwed up. coffee was in the dream, but i don't remember how. mom was having an affair, and kept getting on the phone to arrange a time for the guy to come over, but dad knew something was up. aubree and i were taking a jet ski out, but we were also trying to go on a cruise ship with it? i don't know. then there was this five story hitler firetruck bus thing completely filled with people being dumped at the cruise. and i kept saying, 'i don't want to have anything to do with a cruise ship that's okay with hitler or the people who are okay with hitler'.

i'm telling you. weird shit. that was the night before last. i wrote it down when i woke up because i felt like i should.

last night's dream was altogether different.

this morning, i woke up thinking, 'i must have really loved him. at some point. am i wrong for leaving?'

which is a stupid thing to think, but what fragments of waking thoughts are coherent?

i was having a good dream. about ever. he was so sweet and i was totally smitten with him. it was like i was chasing him and winning him, in my dream. i wanted to be with him, and we were at the beginning of something good.

we were in bed at a point, and he was doing everything right. he was taking care of me, and touching me how i wanted to be touched.

he was loving me.

and it felt good.

after that first little string of waking thoughts, i woke up. fancy that. and i felt dumb for having had a dream like that. if only i could control my dreams... i was turned on by the dream-version of the man to whom i'm still technically married.

and in the shower, i thought of the word estranged. is it the right word to put on this husband i'm still stuck with? is he estranged if i left him? i questioned the validity of the word with my eyes closed.

it's being written like a short story. maybe it's the beginning of the next one. i don't know. it doesn't feel like i'm writing about the way i woke up today, but i am. promise.

though not from the dream, i was walking out the door to work in a bit of a sleepy daze, and tried to walk out without my bike, which would be a silly thing to do.

and then when i got close to work, i panicked for a few minutes that i'd left my cigarettes at home. i fought the urge to pull over and look for them before i got any further from my apartment. i rode to the point where i stop and get off my bike, light a cigarette, and walk the rest of the way in. and like an addict, my heart raced a little as i unzipped the front pocket of my backpack.

but luckily they were there. and as i lit one and started walking, this weird old dude was passing me on the sidewalk coming from the other direction and said, 'you don't see people riding a bike and smoking at the same time'.

and the smartass in me couldn't help but to say back, 'that's why i'm not riding my bike.' and i walked, shaking my head. i guess at the guy, but maybe at my short tempered response to him.

i guess i hate when people tell me things that they think will dissuade me from smoking. mom will lay it on thick some of the time. relatives are like that. her favorite is, 'i don't want to visit you in the hospital when you're dying of cancer.'

and i've been toying with the idea lately.

of quitting, i guess.

i always need a good reason to quit. and, no, my health isn't what i consider to be the best reason.

last night, kit was talking about science findings related to smoking. while we were smoking, of course. and i even tuned that out a little (sorry, kit). because i know it's bad, but i don't want to hear it yet. it had to do with abnormal pap smears signaling that cell change was occurring in smokers. and that's what i was thinking about after the run-in with the dude. lovely thoughts for 8ish am on a monday, i know. but what kit was saying was pretty interesting. something about 2000 women (is that right?) having a normal test, and later an having an abnormal test, and how the change in baseline happened in women who had smoked since. something very clear and concise.

i quit a while ago, because i thought i'd want to have a kid in the near future. joined the gym and cut way back, until i eventually quit. once, i quit for political reasons during a drug psychology class. several times, i accidentally quit when i was sick and managed to not start back up again for several months.

i can't remember now how long i have quit for, at most. but i always quit cold turkey, because it seems retarded to me to take nicotine in a way that isn't a cigarette and tastes nasty. or so i hear. i've never chewed nicotine gum. and i'm not so hardcore to need a patch or anything that drastic.

but i'm not motivated to quit right now, despite the fact that i add up the money i spend on smoking in my mind.

so i live to smoke another day.

and in reading my post from a couple days ago, i realize that i have issues with attention. but that when i'm writing a post during commercial breaks when i'm watching something on hulu, my posts are too scattered to connect. my train of thought is so interrupted by the show, or influenced by things i have just seen, that i can't put together a cohesive post.

i want to go back and fix it. but maybe it's better to leave it a hot mess, so you few know what is going on in my brain. how it connects things. it's kinda like a visit to the shrink. which i cannot seem to remember to make an appointment for these days.

part of what they pay attention to is the way that you connect the things you talk about.

something else happened yesterday.

after talking to kit at the bar the other night about chalk and how weird everything has been, and how i don't understand what happened or what will happen next, he surprised me.

since he left, or tried to not leave, rather, we haven't sent a single text message. his first visit was followed up with a couple random texts that were lovely. after he left, we were trying to carry on conversations via scrabble chat, and it just wasn't working, so he got on messenger. and that was where we'd catch up and flirt until the second visit. it was where i asked him to come back.

and since he left, he hasn't signed on a single time. not once.

so our interactions have been limited to innuendo and light conversation in scrabble chat since.

short. and not specifically sweet.

but yesterday, he wrote something about facebook popping up with pictures of me to remind him how beautiful i am. and that he doesn't see it as a hardship or something funny like that.

i don't know what it was about it, but it made me feel better. i told him that was nicest thing i'd heard in a while, and that nina and the writer have a way of taking pictures of me that i like, as opposed to feeling like pictures are less than flattering the majority of the time.

maybe he senses that i've been thinking about it lately. maybe he is trying to put things back before i visit home, which was the majority of the conversation with kit at the bar. will i see him? won't i? do i want to anymore? don't i? why do i feel like this? will that other feeling come back?

i've felt totally dysfunctional since he left. i mean, up to the day he came back the second time, there didn't seem to be enough time in the day for me to take care of myself. three times a day? no problem.

but after he tried not to leave? nothing. i have been living on variations of rice and beans, too many french fries, and sweet food for breakfast more often than i'd like to admit. so i have attributed the decline in drive to the way that my clothes are fitting, or not fitting, lately.

i think i went a whole week in the last couple weeks.

so i can't figure out if it's just me, or if it's something to do with weirdness with him, or some combined effect.

and i think about it a lot. in the same way that i'd randomly have xxx rated thoughts at work for weeks at a time in the height of my prowess, only the opposite of that now.

it's been over a month. and i guess that is what makes it seem so wrong. because for a couple weeks after he left the first time, i needed more. NEEDED. more. and then we made the plans. then had two more weeks of needing it. right then. and waiting for it. not to mention, the way that he ended up here in the first place. we made out, and for two weeks, i needed more of that. made plans. and waited two weeks for him to get here.

and sometimes i think, 'him? really?'

i don't understand it myself.

but put me in a room with him, and it's over. i cannot control myself.

i don't know what it's all about, but i was relieved to have something that was a little revealing on his part come through the scrabble games (where i've repeatedly handed his ass to him since he left) that have been distant. some sort of tiny emotional connection. i have been consistently sticking to playing suggestive words, and not saying much of anything.

that's the chalk update. it's a strange one.

and right here, in this very post, i went from ever fantasy dream to smoking to chalk. just like that.

what will i blog of next?

my new toothbrush is pretty awesome. but i feel like it needs a note of explanation for all of my neighbors, both in the building and out. something like, 'hey guys. just thought you should know that i purchased a sonicare toothbrush. so that's what all the noise is, coming from my bathroom early in the morning, for exactly two minutes at a time. no funny business. sorry and thanks.'

i know that it's louder to me because it's inside my mouth, and inside my head. but seriously? i feel like the people across the street can hear my brushing my teeth. and it doesn't sound like i'm brushing my teeth. dear god. who knew? brushing my teeth makes me blush. the people at sonicare really should have thought twice about making a toothbrush that is louder than most run-of-the-mill vibrators on the market.

and because i'm going to keep writing about it until i have completed reading all the way to the beginning, after you read this post, you should stop what you're doing and read some 'hyperbole and a half'.

here, i'll even include the link for the post that is my absolute favorite so far:


i'll even stop what i'm writing just to re-read it.

allie brosh slays me. it's that series of drawings of her telling the dog to sit. i cry. every. single. time. that, and the google reference. sigh.

and then, to take it down a notch, watch this:


because this song, more often that not, is stuck in my head lately. and i've also been heard lately saying that it slays me. but in a different way. i don't know where i picked this saying up from. but i'm using it.

it's not like i have a someone to sing this to. or to imagine singing it to me. it's not fitting or anything. i just love his voice. and there's something so familiar about him. like i know him. but i don't. and i love his s's. i imagine his talking voice to be pretty sweet.

i totally have a thing for speech impediments anyway. i mean, i have a track record of musical crushes: ugly cassanova, the promise ring, knapsack, and some of the offshoots: modest mouse, jealous sound, jets to brazil. i could go on. but i won't. i'll just add band of horses to the pile.

i think that dub and ever were the only boys i dated who had one. but maybe if i think harder, i can edit that. i don't know what it is. i think i'm a mouth person. or better yet, a lips person. and something about watching boys talk when they talk that way.

weird, right?

and for my next trick, i'll segue from fuck buddies to speech impediments to my period.

bet you didn't see that coming!

i just like to mention it here. so that when i get confused or someday decide to plot it on a calendar like a lot of girls do, i have a reference.

today is death cramps day.

yet, shockingly i made it through a day of work without motrin or going home early. good thing i don't have the work ethics of my star employee, or i might have just stayed home today. and blamed it on 'my cycle'.

i think that's all i have for today.

maybe i'll feel normal soon. because i feel like a freak lately.

i mean, without being what a lot of people classify as 'depressed', who doesn't get out of/off of her bed for an entire day? when it's 70 and sunny out?

this girl.

after all that writing on the topic, i think i'll make a speech impediment mix.

1. promise ring - emergency emergency

2. ugly cassanova - barnacles

3. knapsack - catherine

4. modest mouse - polar opposites (i've been dying to use this too!)

5. jets to brazil - crown of the valley (hard to find a song that isn't on other mixes!)

6. jealous sound - the fold out

7. promise ring - a picture postcard

8. band of horses - no one's gonna love you

some of that was stolen from the indie comp that i've been listening to lately.

it's funny. the sun gave it to me. i must have been twenty one? and to look back at that mix, not knowing who any of the songs were by at the time, let alone what indie rock was.

and to think of how many of them i found along the way on my own. and thought, 'woah. i know that voice. they were on that mix the sun gave me.'

the last thirty minutes have been spent on a tangent answering the question, 'wait! did ____'s singer have a lisp? shit.' and in my searching, i realized that jets to brazil dude probably doesn't have a lisp. he just has a funny fake accent. does that count? i'm going to count him in. because that is not what people from new york sound like.

youtube answered my questions. the following lead/singers do not have speech impediments: saves the day, get up kids, sunny day real estate, jimmy eat world, dashboard confessional, samiam, the descendants, built to spill. i'm sure there were others, but i forgot. i tapped into this weird frame of reference taken from the years 21 to 23, where i was listening to a lot of this, driving to and from ever's place. groan. FULL CIRCLE. i didn't even want to do that.

and, in parting.

i just thought i'd mention that i haven't bought lottery tickets in the last couple weeks. not really intentionally, though i realize that the odds are stacked against me. instead, in tempting fate, i've been entering this contest where i can win a luxury apartment in new york city. my thinking is that, if the stars want to align in such a way that i move to new york, then this is the way they will have to align. in a very big, very free, kindof a way.

i'm not telling you how to enter. sorry. it will only decrease my odds of winning.