great nate. august 14th.

today is my high school boyfriend's birthday.

strange that i will probably always remember today's date that way.

last night out was pretty fun.

we got kit to come out with us to the irish pub. we sat and ate. nate and kit thought the server was hot, and were trying to convince me that he thought 1. i was cute, and 2. that he was jealous of the sandwich i was devouring.

i didn't believe them, and i also didn't tell him, like they told me to, that he had a nice ass.

i'm not there yet. i'm learning. but i'm not there.

today was a wash. through and through, save for a good two hours of dancing and a friends birthday party.

keeping nate entertained is a full time job. and i realize when he's here just how simple a person i am. i'm content to lay in bed. i'm content to sit at kit's and watch tv. or stay home and watch a movie. or waste countless hours online.

not nate.

and he isn't afraid to tell you when you're boring him.

it was more pressure than i could afford.

so i clam jammed myself tonight at the club.

for a reason, and in a few ways.

there was this guy. he was hot.

and nate said he liked me.

but i was too afraid to talk to him. and when my beer gave me courage, my stomach decided it would rather i spend a solid eight trips to the bathroom instead.

it was awful. i wanted to leave but didn't for nate's sake. which was good, too, because kit did show up sometime around 1.

then i decided i'd do something anyway, despite him thinking i had a big problem with going to the bathroom every ten minutes and burping hamburger which made me fear close proximity for all talking intents and purposes.

and there was a girl when i came back. for a while.

which made me want to try harder in a way, and caught me off guard. it is still on my mind, because i am not really into the game, but somehow was feeling like i was last night.

and then he was gone. well, they were gone. a group of people that he was in.

i'll learn. i'll stop being afraid someday. and make a move and get the payoff/reward.

it's been a weird weekend, but fine. i slept enough to feel good, got out enough to feel like i combined two or more weekends into one. i went to a few new places, and got some dancing out of my system.

going there again last night reminded me that, any time i feel like dancing, saturday nights there will satisfy my needs every time. the heat is nearly intolerable, sweaty people bumping into me is unavoidable and grosses me out every time. dumb bitches will always put a damper on things. and people skipping ahead of me in line for the bathroom will always make me want to act out in violence. especially the pretty dumb girls.

but before the club gets packed, dancing in place near the bar to not be in the middle of the empty dance floor will be my favorite dancing. there becomes a point from about midnight until one where there are just too many people to be able to enjoy yourself. from one to two it starts to thin out enough to breathe, and that is good, too.

so it was a crazy weekend.

and it's quiet now.

i need some alone time.

and some unwind time.

and i am not at all ready for more work this week.

in the next chapter of management 101, we're now settling for the third choice for the star store. and have no backups for the other two.

like i said.


so now this week, i take the reigns and interview as many people as possible in a day.
see what i get. and go from there.

sometimes when you realize you have all the wrong people doing all the wrong things, you just have to take matters into your own hands and start over.

the bright side is that girl number 3 has lots of management experience.

and this puts her in the store i want her to manage. if she takes it. if she's good.

if it works.

someone, please light a candle for me for this week. this job is trying to kill me by wearing me down... and today is sunday. sigh.

friday the 13th. august.

being here just reminds me how many people know and are interested in my life.

this morning, one of the first people in talked to me for a minute, and then asked if she could ask me a personal question.

she said, 'you used to have a ring on your finger and now you don't.'

and i told her that i'd left ever about six months ago.

and then another lady came in just a minute ago, and wanted to know how i was doing.

everyone has a story about themselves or their friend. some people were in marriages for 20 or 30 for even 47 years. and then got out.

and she was saying that she should have left her husband when her kids were small because of what he put her through. but she stayed for the kids and now things are better with him.

i was telling kit last night. and i've written about it a lot, too. but i just can't imagine leaving ever without the exact circumstances that i left under.

and part of me does wish that i'd talked to a lawyer before i left, just because of the house. i'd have been advised not to leave. and i can't imagine staying any longer than i already did. or anything being any different if there had been a longer warning period.

i can only imagine it being worse than it was. which is hard to do.

i don't know. talking about it today, or any time i talk about it to anyone, reassures me. i know i didn't make a mistake in leaving. and that i made a few in the way that i did.

but i also am becoming more aware that six months is feeling like forever. and like i want someone to take care of and cook for and have around.

which is why i can't. but i want someone. and part of me feels ready. but i know it's a false sense of feeling ready.

that day that i was riding with kit when her car got towed, and saw that cute boy driving and waved and got a wave back...

i saw him two nights ago.

i was walking outside for a smoke the night i really couldn't sleep. i opened the front door to go out onto the stoop. and saw this boy riding past me. it took a few seconds to recognize his face in the dark. his hair was the tipoff. but he was biking past, down the street.

and the seconds that it took to register meant that i couldn't wave or say hi or anything. he was on the opposite side of the street anyway.

but he is in the neighborhood. driving and biking. and being generally adorable.

and i will say hi the next time.

it won't take as long to register.

i realize how seldom i'm looking up when i'm out of my apartment.

i am always smoking outside. and i never go out empty handed. i either read a book or a zine, or am writing in paper journal. and those things require that i not pay attention to my surroundings. every once in a while, i'll take my phone and talk. but i'm really not a talker. and if i'm texting, then i am looking down.

so i need to pay attention. see what i see. or who i see.

so. this weekend.

i hope i can keep nate entertained.

tonight, kit recommeded we go to the 'pretty boy bar' near our neighborhood. and tomorrow i already know where we're going.

but during the day, maybe a movie? he's so into movies. surely there's something he hasn't seen yet.

he is paying back the cash i loaned him, so i'll have money to play with, if i feel like misbehaving. and if i don't, then i'll just put it in the bank and try to forget about it.

making tips this week has been great. staying in this week has been great. after sunday, i have been in every night until last night.

i felt rested when i woke up this morning.

i had just fallen asleep, finally, at 1045 last night when my sister called me. my head was still hurting.

i didn't look at the clock when i heard my phone ring through my earplugs, i just panicked in my sleepy state. i didn't answer, because i knew i'd wake up and i could not risk that happening again.

and then she texted me at 230 am on both my phones. so when i heard my work phone go off, i panicked harder, thinking someone was calling out of work.

no one calls out of work, but no one texts me at 230 am, either.

i guess because of the perseids, she assumed i was up watching. and i was a bad sister and didn't call her to tell her about work yet, so she doesn't know about getting up at 6 and missing everything both nights.

i'm glad i could sleep. it was a welcome change. and i woke up ahead of the alarm this morning and was able to snooze. i was having intense dreams that i can't remember. i feel like i was shopping for upholstery or something random like that. but it was really involved. maybe it will come back to me.

and because today is friday the 13th, i have a few random things to mention that popped up in fb.

one: dudermints has to have surgery on his pinky because he broke up a dog fight in his house.

see? wishes do come true.

not that i'm happy he got hurt. but it took less than one month for his dog to be involved in what was his biggest fear about cohabitating with baby girlfriend.

and there was this writeup in a paper here that a shit ton of people read today.

it involves the people who were brought into the ever fold this week. and the thing that cracks me up? there's something in it about the power being out, a leak in the roof, and how bad the room smells.

that's what happens when you don't pay your power bill. now the whole city knows. ha!

i love it when i get revenge without being the one to exact it.

it's even sweeter. you can't run around being a dickhead to people and expect sunshine and rainbows.

every day this week feels like retribution for my choices and the heartache i've inflicted upon one very bitter ever.

but these two little post-work tidbits totally made me laugh. and smile. even though it isn't nice to.

and? there was one other thing.

manager's girl that she wanted to call off all other interviews for? yeah. guess what? she wants a job with benefits. and so she isn't calling back about the job offer.

i do know what i'm talking about.

i do know what i'm doing.

i have been doing this for seven years at this one place, and a lot of years at others.

i learn the hard way.

she will be demoted either next week or the following.

and? kit, remember when i was telling you that dan is always looking for something better? yeah. well, lauren told pam (DRAMA, see?) that he took ten resumes to different cafes last weekend.

like i said, i know exactly what i'm dealing with.

i know what i'm doing, when it comes to this group of people.

and now? i have no problem demoting him, too. because what's he going to do? really. and he was on the computer at work, and probably almost applied to me for the position i posted. he's a bit smarter than manager, though, and i'm sure he figured it out.

that's happened before. i think with him, even. applying for a job that i'd posted.

i'm a smart girl. i've got them all figured out.

and i've made them cover my ass for me.

which makes me super smart.

i remember feeling this indignant right before i quit the airport, after kenna sold me with the company to someone else.

i warned them and warned them. and they wouldn't listen to me. and wouldn't take my advice. and wouldn't act on it.

and all i did was leave.

and they were screwed.

i don't want to screw this company like i wanted to screw that one. i want to screw my employees who think that they work so hard and get paid so little for their efforts, and who think they can all do it better than me.

suck it, manager. suck it, dan. you guys suck. and if i wouldn't have to pay you unemployment, i'd fire your asses just to make a point.

last night, at the bar over the three beers i drank, i told kit that sometimes i just want to bartend.

no responsibility. cash money like woah. i'm great with people when i'm behind the counter. and i'm great with regulars and their drinks, too. it's this uncanny ability i have. i can't remember anything that would save my life, but if someone comes for coffee for the first time in three years, i probably know what they want.

so, yeah. i'd make a really good bartender.

and if shit goes south here, and something happens to the company i run, i will just try to get into one of the bars i frequent.

the thought of having a job with no responsibility is so tempting right now.

but i just had a shitty week. and i will have two fantastic days to get the hell over it.

and then next week, kick some ass, put some people in their place, and end what has been pissing me off for about a month now.

remind me that i said this next week:

i'd rather do it myself than have someone work against me.

i'm prepared.


not physically, but it's just sleep deprivation and aching muscles after all.

i can do it.

and now? play time!

three beer night. august 12th.

yep. so proud to not cave last night.

then, tonight, a 4 pm jaunt to the favorite bar led to not one, not two, but three beers. i was supporting kit, but also making my own decisions.

i was stuck offline at work today, and wrote this:

i open the store at 730.

i asked the second person who came what i could get for her. she said she had a question for me.

i'm thinking she's going to ask about cake or coffee.


she said, 'i'm from environmental services. what's your arrangement for trash pickup?'

so i tell her that we set it outside the door at night for pickup.

and she said, 'so you just set it outside and it just MAGICALLY disappears?'

so i tell her that, no, this is my understanding of the agreement, and if she needs an answer she can ask landlord. who is also her boss.

it's too early for that kind of attitude. i've had one other interaction with her. she's never introduced herself. and the other time, she came at me the same way. only it wasn't 7:35 am, and i wasn't this tired.

i haven't been sleeping well.

i think that maybe i'm in my manic phase again, only this time i have to work early, so i can't let it dictate what i do at night.

last night, i turned off the light at 930, in an effort to get the sleep i've been lacking.

and at about 1015 or so, i was more awake than at 930, so i got up and turned on blacktop.

cd mix burning was a hot success. turns out those stupid color cdrs were the problem. two different kinds. neither would burn.

so i chatted with chalk and nina, and later kit, and burned cds.

until about 1230, when i was no more sleepy, but turned out the light, put down the book and the laptop, and tried again.

i slept well once i fell asleep. and then proceeded to snooze my alarm not once, but twice. i was dreaming about work during the twenty minute snooze, so that must count for something. but it made me run late. and then i had to rush to be on time.

good thing i'm not in the habit of turning it off, else i would likely have woken up at around noon.

and now i'm here. and can't seem to connect to the internet. so that is throwing a wrench in my daily escapades on facebook, scrabbling away my time and day until i go home again and fight for sleep some more.


and i wish i could makes mixes now, but the music i need is elsewhere.

my customer, marie, did the same thing i did divorce-wise, only her marriage lasted 35 years longer. and she just made me feel better about things with ever when she said that if ever didn't contest the divorce complaint, that the divorce can be final before we do the agreement. hers was, in any case.

everything was the same. only he saw her with her new guy she's dating and went so far as to call him and drive past his house. but splitting amicably, and not getting over her leaving him, and the give and take of the splitting of property, her leaving the house and everything in it.

and... how she's happier now than she's ever been, and how the new guy treats her better than anything she's ever known.

her divorce was final inside of two months.

it wasn't in phila, so i'm sure that helped her.

but it makes me very hopeful.

then, right before i left work, i got a call from landlord.

from a different number.

asking me if he could tear out our old cabinetry because it's 'worn'.

red flag.

if kenna doesn't see it now, she won't.

he wants to take half of our store, the half that is attached to the hospital, out of the hospital.

i called it. i called it a week ago, a month ago, two years ago.

we're done for.

that's all there is to it.

and i knew it.

i don't know. on the bright side, i'm in bed and it's 8 pm.

on the downside, i had three beers, and am getting a fat headache.

i think this cupcake with brownie crumbles on top will fix that up.

i'm missing the perseids because it's cloudy and trying to rain in the form of menacing sprinkles.

and all i want is to sleep.

the ever story plot thickened a few minutes ago, too.

seems ever has a new group of friends involved in his business now. which involves that whole text thing he sent last week.

and there was an article by our friend john in the paper. john, who i've made two batches of brownies for after he wrote us up twice.

john, who is now in the ever pile. john, who will never have a reason to have one of my brownies ever again.

the article's information dictates a financial expenditure on ever's part.

which means he's doing well.

in at least one way.

and jay posted something tonight that will be the next event that i'm forbidden from attending. that will kill me. already, my heart is broken about it.

maybe someday i'll have the balls to live my life and go and do and see what and who i want, when and where i want.

but for now, i'll continue to cower. to hide out and wait for the storm to pass.

i've been sad all week. tonight is no exception. my eyes are watering, but it's not from crying.

i kinda wish it was.

but i'm kinda glad i'm not.

driving home today, i almost cried. 'fix you' was on a mix, which tends to stab me in the heart. and i almost did. but it passed.

and venting to kit at the bar was good for me. we laughed a lot, even though the subject matter wasn't really something to laugh about.

nate will be here tomorrow. my life is becoming a string of distractions. while he is here, i won't talk about ever, if possible. and i will only think and talk about sex and florida.

now it's almost 9. i know i feel worse because of a lack of sleep.

i'm going to try to sleep this off.

i finished 'the sun also rises' today. and started 'everything is illuminated'. it was laying around in the coffee shop, so i picked it up and started it. it's been popping up in collective consciousness type-stuff, so i thought i'd try it out. despite the stack of six books on my nightstand which i haven't read yet.

and while i try to sleep, i'm burning mixes on the black dinosaur. since it takes like 45 minutes, it's a great thing to do in the background. so i can put them on blacktop. and eventually, some day, the iphone.

my to do list keeps getting longer.

i wanted to quit my job today.

just leave in the middle of the day.

drive home.

get in bed.

start packing.

and leave.

true fact.

luckily, i didn't act on this impulse.

tomorrow, i go back for some more.

because if it doesn't break me, it will make me.

or something like that.

i sent this lovely email to the manager last night. after a barrage of texts back and forth yesterday:

i know you and dan have picked your new hire.

i was trying to explain why i wanted you to continue to interview.

just think of a few things.

max was great right away. and quit.

bryan interviewed really well, and then slacked off.

katie was a stellar employee until she stole $3000.

if something happens with your pick, i want to be able to pull from these same people, to not have to spend another $25 on another ad in a few weeks.

i cannot deal with the stress of being understaffed. you asked me to place an ad so i did. and all of these people need to be interviewed. i'm sorry if it's a pain for you guys to do this for a total of three hours over two days. it took me a few hours to set it all up for you, so you didn't have to.

i'm not trying to make things harder on you. but if you're shortsighted and think you've got the perfect girl, and then something happens, i can't go back to these people later if you cancel on them.

because my store opens the first week of september, and because i need someone for the store i'm working at this week, i want to know if any other people are any good.

thanks for doing this. you know that if i was there, i'd do it. i'd also do the trial shifts for the best people to make sure they're as good as they make you think they are.

do not tell these people that they are for a different location, or that you have filled the slot. do ask them if they have a car, in case i think of them for this store.

i'll check on you guys tomorrow.

i want your pick to train with you on monday. who is going to show her the close?

let me know that you got this please. it was too much to text today...

and somehow, despite ALL that explaining, do you know that she sent me like 12 more messages today, first saying that the people today were all better than the people yesterday. and then, asking why i had her interviewing all these people, because she feels bad that she isn't going to hire any of them? and then said something about being stressed about keeping the store clean, and wrapping cakes, when she had to do all of these interviews.

she is an idiot.

the people today being better is PRECISELY why i made her do it. if i'd settled for the people yesterday and pissed these people off, then what would i be looking at down the road?

stupid. stupid. stupid.

right before i wanted to walk out today, i wanted to fire her.

just for her stupidity.

i get the fact that she hasn't managed before. i also am perfectly clear on the fact that she has been helping out more lately, because i have forced her to and guilted her to.

but come ON. if i break it down, two days in a row. because you will never get it on your own. do i really have to justify it one more time?


i don't.

i won't.

i didn't even respond to her today. i said that the line about the people being better was why. and ignored every other complaint.

yes and no texts. that's all she got all day.

and the worst part? i did this to myself.

i put her there knowing full well that she would fail at this.

i was in a bind.

i didn't take my own advice.

because i chose incorrectly, not once, but twice.

because i didn't have much to pick from. and took the best of what was around.

i have successfully recruited a new slew of people.

and if and when the store i'm at now reopens, and if and when the two new stores ever happen, i'll hopefully have some good people.

and if i fire everyone and start over, then i know exactly where to start.

so thanks, manager.

thank you.

couldn't have gotten here without you. and your peabrain.

all this ranting is making my head hurt worse, and my eyes water more.

bed. for real. now.

firing squad. august 11th (part two)



spent three and a half hours waiting for tires.

left both cells at work, so i couldn't figure out how to get a ride, take public transit, or anything. i didn't want to pay for a cab. so i stayed.

and in hindsight, it was okay. i wrote for about two of the hours. and read for the half hour. i got a tan, and went to staples to buy a new spindle of cds to hopefully make mixes, as the two kinds i had wouldn't burn on either computer. and a new journal, because i'm nearing the end of this one.

how i love staples journals.

$1.99 on sale. smooth recycled paper made from sugarcane. recycled covers with pretty screened designs. this is number three. love love love.

then back to bj's where the tires were being done. bought some salad dressing. and some cooking spray for work. and some brownie mixes, as i mailed the last ones i had all over florida. and they are the best brownies on the planet, that i have found so far.

speaking of planet...

the dark sky star party registration is full. and i got neither a confirmation or a cleared check. so i have to assume that kit and i will not get to go. which kills me.

so i had a backup plan. a different star party the weekend before in west virginia.

hopped on that site today to look at it.

and it's $100 a person, because it's a five day, four night event.

can't do that.

fuck fuck fuck.

i was really looking forward to that. i wish i'd gotten the thing in the mail two days earlier. but i just couldn't because i didn't have money for it.

oh, well.

the other parties are closer to us, but further off on the calendar. i'm really really sad about the star party. i cannot explain how forward to it i was looking.

and then, the ever update for the day.

he did go to the bank today.

he did fix the account.

they did reverse his fees. so he put too much money in the account.

special. short bus variety.

i spent so much time writing today. i wrote about chalk. i wrote about ever. i wrote about my puppy daughter.

i was sad all day. i was sad yesterday, too. only it's the variety of sad that i can't pinpoint. or fix. or cry out.

i don't feel like crying. i know it's related to ever, because i didn't feel this way last week.

i think that maybe it's just realizing that i made a shit ton of mistakes that i can't fix now.

like moving out of the house. beating myself up for buying the house in the first place. like not being able to have my dog here. and realizing that the next time i see her, she might be dead. coming home to this apartment every day and wishing that i could move. wishing that i hadn't signed this lease. driving to work and feeling like i'm wasting my time.

and being angry. but the kind of angry that you can't beat pillows or scream about. the kind of anger that simmers and ruins you. because you realize that there's nothing you can do about any of it, really.

it's out of my control. and it makes me feel hopeless.

like i'm waiting on death row or something, as far as how things get divvied up in the divorce.

and it's all just stuff.

kenna told me before i even called it. she said, it's just stuff. don't worry about that. that's easy.

well, it's not easy.

i don't have much. and i've given more than i had to give to ever over the last seven years. and i feel like i'm whining and bitching and being a victim, but i don't want to give him any more.

i just want him to go away. and not take anything else from me. nothing that he doesn't deserve. nothing that he didn't work for.

i've had it. i don't want to think about it. or deal with it.

and i'm tired of feeling this way. it's so easy to put it aside and not think about it when there's exciting stuff going on, things to look forward to. but as i miss a star party, as i don't have sex, i realize that i have nothing to look forward to right now. not at work, not at home, not anywhere.

work is a nightmare.

i wanted to strangle my manager today.

i went through this process of finding people for her. it took hours and hours, both at work and at home after a long day. and i set them all up and confirmed with them all, interview times.

and she spent the afternoon bitching about the number of interviews. when the first person she interviewed was the one she wanted to hire.

she told me to call and cancel the rest for tomorrow, and the two for friday.

management 101: do not jump the gun. just because someone seems awesome, that doesn't mean that they are. i hired one person who interviewed really well, and the trial shift was even awesome. but when i let loose the reigns, he was an idiot and i fired him. i had the best employee, and after three years, she stole $3000. i hired someone fantastic who worked for a few weeks, and then quit without warning.

you can never be sure. and until i call references, i don't trust this person.

she's already working, for one. and for two, you just never know. she might be late her first day.

in any case, i told her i wasn't going to cancel them, because i need backup plans. and because i have two other positions coming up and i don't want to go through this later. because you can't call people and cancel and then call them back in a week and ask them to come back.


so frustrating.

and i was explaining to her all the reasons why she needs to do the next five interviews. and she was telling me that she wants this girl.

seriously? how thick headed are you? i just gave you five reasons why. and you still want to challenge me?

i intend to hire this girl that she loves. and then make her her boss.

fuck it.

i've had it.

and she isn't doing anything to help me, so whatever. when she does, she bitches.

last week, during all those long days, we pulled together. lauren and i were a team. and the manager just bitched about being tired while she walked out of the store, leaving early every day.

this week, there were three days where i needed the manager and dan to work two hour shifts at the store i normally close.

and they both were overly willing because they wanted hours.

and then, on monday, day one, both started complaining about how quiet it is and can we go home early and close early.


i hate laziness. and it was making pam crazy. because instead of asking me, they were both asking her to ask me for them.

GROW UP. they're both drama queens.

i've good a mind to get rid of them both with the top people they interview for me.

neither of them works hard enough for what i pay them. it's the caveat with overpaying your staff to get them to do occasional favors for you.

the manager has been warned.

and when she disappoints me, beyond today, i'm done with her.

and if she quits, then good riddance.


management 102: having to work doubles is better than having someone work against you. firing someone who makes your job harder sucks for a few days. but the breath of fresh air that you get when the new blood joins the team makes you forget all about it.

and i'm mostly sure that, when i demote her and put newbie in charge, she's going to quit.

and then dan will probably follow suit, because he's never satisfied and always looking for a better job somewhere else.

i learned that lesson with him a couple years back.

and yes, they're reliable. and yes, they're on time. and no, they don't steal.

but all the bickering and bitching and drama they put on me, via pam, or via each other, or via me, makes me loathe them.

i feel better.

being stuck alone and not being able to bitch about work at work really sucked today. i miss pam like crazy. we have so much fun together. she just comes in, does her job, laughs at everyone else's craziness, and goes home to her 'husband' and kid.

i need more of her. clone me, clone her. done.

this one pbr is not strong enough for what 'ales' me.

see how i did that?

i can still make stupid jokes when i'm angry and sad and frustrated.

this is my kick this week:

i'm up at 6 every morning. which sucks ass.

and i have been averaging 3 beers a day for longer than i'd like to admit.

waking up that early hurts enough, and i know that if i was doing that this week, i'd probably be late to work every single day.

so i gave myself a one beer maximum for this week. until friday when nate gets here.

monday, fine. last night, harder, but i did it.

tonight, i'm not feeling too sure. it's almost nine now, and i'm nearing the bottom of pbr numero uno. and i really want another.

but i also really don't want one more thing to be disappointed about tomorrow. or beating myself up about tomorrow. or hungover tomorrow.

fingers are crossed. i feel pretty weak right now.

here's to accountability...

outta gas. august 11th.

so ever couldn't figure it out on his own.

he texted me last night, asking when i have some time in front of the computer to help him figure it all out.

i texted him back that there's nothing to figure out. that he needs to go to the bank with $450 to fix his mistake.

yesterday, in my work-related daily trip to the bank, i asked them what will happen, after they said he hadn't fixed it yet.

they will take it from my own account if he doesn't fix it within thirty days.

i have to keep an eye on it.


i fought every urge in my body to blast him with 'good thing you didn't file that restraining order', or 'i thought you wanted to prevent me from having any contact with you. i don't think i'm supposed to interact with you', or 'have your lawyer contact my lawyer'.

and while we're on this topic, i was talking to kit last night about the whole 'ever asking my lawyer about my sex life' thing, and i know what it is about it that gets to me.

he was on a dating website. six weeks after i left him. he gave up the right to say anything to me about anything related to sex/dating/relationships when he did that.

and while we're on the subject some more...

about the car.

it's mine.

it makes me picture us in a courtroom battling it out:

lawyer: 'yes, ever. what type of oil is in the car?'

ever: 'i don't know.'

lawyer: 'right. which tires were replaced?'

ever: 'i don't know.'

lawyer: 'when the tires are low, what psi do you fill them to?'

ever: 'i don't know.'

lawyer: 'how much does a gallon of gas cost right now? or in the last month? or year?'

ever: 'i don't know.'

lawyer: 'how much is the car payment?'

ever: 'i don't know.'

lawyer: 'how much is the insurance payment?'

ever: 'i don't know.'

yes. that's right. ever has never vacuumed out the car, has maybe put gas in the car three times in the last two years, never taken it for an oil change, or any other service, has never filled the tires when they are low.

he liked to wait in the passenger seat of the car and watch me do all of these things.

and never paid a car-related bill.

what a man.

but, sure, ever. go ahead. you deserve half of the car. take it.

all this thinking is ruining my drive. it's ruining my desire to sleep with boys. it's ruining my days even.

being stuck in a dead store for ten days is a lethal combo. because i have nothing to do but think. and i'm not in the mood to think about chalk or anyone else like that. i just think about ever. and everything he's doing. and not doing. and everything he wants. or doesn't.

maybe if i just think about how much he's going to have to pay on retainer, that will help. the thought of him coughing up a grand right now makes me pee my pants. and that would be almost as cheap as what i found.

and i doubt he has anything to pay.

i just keep thinking about the house. the basement. all the things i still have in there for my work. i'm going to have to pay the dudes to move it all out for me, so i don't have to go back and so he doesn't have to touch any of it. he can just direct them. and then it's over. if only i had somewhere to put it all...

i wouldn't be surprised if he threw it out.

so help me god.

i keep trying to calm down, thinking of different ways to get back at him. or put it out of my mind. and then i think of something else he might have done. or could do.

yesterday i kept thinking i'd have to go back with a police escort. due to the threat of the restraining order. and in order to keep things civil. and in case he did something stupid somewhere along the line.

ever likes to break things. it doesn't matter if they aren't his to break.

all it takes is one bad day. one temper tantrum.

trust me. i know.

aside from that, i'd like to believe that i'll be seeing the perseid shower tomorrow night. but i'll be exhausted for nate on friday if i do. i think it was supposed to peak tomorrow. but there might be some craziness tonight.

i just wanna go lay in a field somewhere on my back. stare at the sky.

and try to forget all the bullshit ever puts me through, or at least cast it aside.

when i stare at the stars, whether or not they're moving, nothing else really seems to matter.

adultery. august 10th.

it's my mom's birthday today. and i'm disgracing her with this naughty little post. best daughter ever.

it seems every day that ever just keeps one upping himself.

yesterday, with the overdrafting of the checking account. i emailed him to tell him, and he wrote me back asking what he had paid and amounts so he could figure out what he did.

i don't know. i emailed him back the account number and ballpark figures.

he can figure it out. or not. not my problem.

i was so tempted to give him all of the info and recommend that he go to the bank to straighten it out.

then i realized, 'wait. he did this on his own. he can figure it out. it's no longer my job to do that for him.' not that it ever was, but... i'm not going to help him any more than i have to. which is pretty much not at all.

so i wrote the lawyer at work yesterday.

i wanted to tell him about the restraining order threat (for lack of a better word - it was probably more like a nod in the direction of, but whatever).

and i mentioned my idea about the house now vs later.

and about the car.

and sent that off.

and he called me this morning to give me the updates.

so we have this conversation. he says that the house thing is fine. usually they want to make it a year off, to simplify. fine. whatever.

then said that he was working on the agreement, but that he didn't hear from the lawyer ever claimed to have as his lawyer.

and his read on that? that ever hasn't retained him as a lawyer. that he's basically getting advice, but nothing else.

so when ever called, he was asking my lawyer questions. and any lawyer in their right mind would tell him to ask them, not his wife's lawyer.

saying as how he doesn't have a lawyer to ask, i guess, he thought it was a good idea.

i don't really understand it.

i don't understand anything he is doing right now, because i think he's kinda losing his mind.

anyways, so ever asks a question. and the lawyer kinda preps me for what he's about to say.

it was after he told me other things ever was saying and asking about.

he said something like, i just want you to know that he was asking about this, so that if it matters to you, or if you think maybe he's watching you or following you, you can be careful.

he said ever asked him about separation. to which my lawyer said there isn't really legal separation anymore. and that ever asked, 'so what happens if she's having sex with someone else?'


and i was just saying to him, 'that's crazy. that's crazy.'

and thinking in my brain that i hadn't had sex with anyone at the time when he called the lawyer. so it was purely speculation, or curiosity, or suspicions at the time he asked it.

and what the lawyer told him was that it really doesn't matter or change anything.

and i hope that is true.

but i went ahead and untagged pics and erased comments that may or may not have been slightly incriminating.

he was telling me more like a warning. like 'hey, your husband knows where you live now, and is asking about something you might be doing, and just be aware that he is asking.'

way to go, ever.

you've stooped to an all new low. and now i know what you're most concerned about. not the car, not the house. those are just ways you'll try to make me pay for leaving you. you said it before. you can't stand the thought of me being with someone else. and maybe i had that whole restraining order thing all backwards. maybe you don't want me to bring someone with me, as opposed to me catching you with someone else.

selfish piece of shit. you don't want to fight for me. but you don't want anyone else to get me either.

i'm actually kinda worried for him. i thought about telling his doctor, but that would make me seem like the crazy one. he's on his own now. if he needs mental help, he'll have to find it on his own. those days, for me, are over.

it's just that he's starting to speak what he's thinking, and it's a little alarming.

hopefully the lawyer is right, because just last night i asked chalk to come back in the end of september. for a destination weekend. i don't know what, or where, but you'd better believe it will be far from my little apartment.

psycho ex husband. duck and cover. annie grab your stun-guns.

it's over, ever. it's over. let it go. just go home.

consistency. august 9th.

dumb dumb dumb.

that's how my life is going to be for the next ten days.

with a two day break, wherein nate rescues me from day in day out utter boredom.

day one at stupid store that i hate.

luckily kit saved me from total loss and despair by having a comcast password to connect to the internet in the hospital.

brilliant fix.

what it meant was that, after about two solid hours of scrubbing a filthy store, i read for about thirty minutes, my first hemingway book, 'the sun also rises', recommended by squeaky.

then, facebook.

all day long.

i didn't do much other than play scrabble as friends popped on to play.

mostly, it was being online. reading articles that my smart friends post. being connected in general.

and going back and forth between that and the book.

it was chill. i'm not going to lie. it was cake. but i hate feeling like i'm wasting my time. and believe me, i am. i am goofing off all day. because other than a deep clean, there is quite literally nothing to do. except read and space out. with whatever music i feel like listening to.

today was a respectable mix of regina spektor, norah jones, pinback, and john lee hooker. no customers complained. today was a good day.

and landlord must have known not to come in. because i didn't have to see him. i would have had a hard time hiding my intense disdain for him had he shown his face.

i probably would have asked him to leave. and the two customers i had probably would have held him down while i punched him in the big nose.

aside from that, imagine my surprise tonight when i balanced my checkbook after work. i had the old account that ever and i had jointly still associated with my new separate account. i don't know why, but when i log in to my new one, it shows the old one.

and since march, there's been 84.73 in the account. i never closed it after giving it a month to show no activity.

i guess i kinda couldn't. not without him.

anyway, so tonight i log in. and it showed the two account balances. mine had more than i thought it would. which was pretty awesome, saying as i paid the credit cards down $500 this month.

and that joint account? negative $381. yeah. ever paid some past due bills with the old account. i'm assuming on accident.

and despite the whole 'restraining order' thing, i went ahead and emailed him.

he can fix the shit.

luckily it's not attached to my new account. do you know how pissed i'd have been if i had gone into my account and it was overdrawn because of ever.

i didn't bother to tell him that they charged him $50 in overdraft fees. i just told him what the balance needs to be returned to.

fucking dumbass piece of shit. that's what he gets for being an asshole.

i win $5 on my lottery tickets. he gets $50 in insufficient funds.

insufficient funds. how does that sum him up so very concisely? absolutely perfectly.

god. i wish the worst for him. i never thought i'd say that. obviously, i don't want him to die or get cancer or anything that horrible. but anything just short of that? genital warts, maimed, disfigured, ass kicked by someone in the hood, everyone turning on him because they realize what a useless prick he is? PERFECT. i'll take all of those things for him.

i'm so glad to be apart from him. i can't say it enough.

and right after that tangeant, know what makes the most sense to talk about next? wishing to be connected to someone else.

i want to date. i know that i can't. i know that it's a bad idea. in my beer-y silliness on the long walk home the other night, i told kit that i want a boyfriend.

but really, that's not what i want.

i want someone who i can reliably call to come over when i feel like it. not together every day. unless i want to be. and who goes home every night, unless i want him not to.

someone to take me out and treat me well.

that's what i want.

and unfortunately, a fuck buddy will only cover about half of those things.

a long distance fuck buddy? once a month if i'm lucky.

i'm going to ask him to come up in september. i might even offer to pay for his ticket. it's so much easier for him to come here than for me to go there. if i can buy the ticket and not miss work, that would be the best option.

i'd like to go home for labor day, but i just can't. kenna will be here before that, and i'll have two stores to reopen, one to to move if landlord doesn't dick out on me. and then i'll have one to reopen and one to shut down.

other than that, i have nothing new to talk about. just chalk. and ever. divorce and sex. that's all i consist of these days.

angry. and lazy. august 8th.

how is it that ever keeps cropping up in my little brain?

since the text, i've spent too much time being angry at him, and trying to think of ways to not only get back at him, but also to exact revenge.

the thing is, pam and i have talked at work a lot about it. and her take is, 'you shouldn't leave the marriage with anything more than you came into it with'.

and that's what keeps getting to me.

since he's inquiring about the car, i'm mad about that. he didn't have a car coming into it. it was my car that got totaled, and mostly the money from my car that paid for the new one.

since he's being a tool, i just want to sell the house. so what i think i might do, propose to my lawyer, is to give him three options. i need to think about it a little more, but this is how it looks right now:

1. he stays in the house for six months, then we list it. we split it 50/50, after paying everything off.

2. he stays in the house for a year (april). he'll have made $12000 in rent by then, so the split would look more like 70/30. i need to crunch those numbers.

3. he stays in the house for two years (april). he gets the 10% that his income added to qualify us for the house.

that's the essence of it.

it's so unfair.

and i never wanted to be a nasty heartless bitch before.

but fuck him.

now i want my little pile of money.

now i want to have it sooner than later.

and now more than anything, i want to get as far away from interactions with him as possible.

i wish this was just a breakup.

i wish i hadn't gotten the house. or pushed for it.

i wish i'd had the foresight to know that we weren't okay. and that i needed to work all the money stuff out.

him keeping the rent threw me off. and now, if that is his 'income', then he shouldn't get half of it later. because he didn't put in half.

i hate him. i hate wasting time and thought on this.

i want my ignorant bliss back.

it was easier to be afraid of being caught somewhere with someone than it is to think about this.

i really think he's going to try to screw me when all is said and done.

and i hope my lawyer's good and doesn't overcharge me when he does.

i know that no lawyer in his/her right mind would look at our case and recommend a restraining order.

it makes me want to give him a reason to.

it makes me want to say, you know what? i have been missing out on things that make me sad to miss, and if you're going to be a fuckhead anyways, i'll just not miss out on them.

what lawyer would be so smart to tell him that anywhere that he is, in public, becomes his place of work? that's how i know he is lying.

maybe i'm just confused about how a restraining order works. maybe he's just trying to have something pop up that is linked to my name?

i'll be so glad when this is over. i just hope that it's sooner than later, because i'm over it.

i have no emotional turmoil from leaving him, and not being with him anymore. so how is it that i can be this upset and afraid about what he is going to think of next?

it's dumb.

other than that, kit and i went out last night. we walked all the way to center city, which didn't feel as bad as it sounded like it was going to feel.

we were trying to find this bar that she recommended for me to hunt boys. only we couldn't find it, went somewhere i'd been before. and there were no cute boys. until we were leaving. i was too full. miserably full. and couldn't even stomach the thought of a second beer after all the food i'd shoved down my gullet.

it was good, it was fun. but i ruined it by overeating.

we did find the pub on the way home. and i only glimpsed the preps inside. i was too tired, as was she, so we just left without paying the $2 cover to look around and think about a beer.

better for both of us. we went to bed early.

i don't know what this new trend is. i think i went to sleep at 1030 or 11 both friday and saturday.

i know i'll be short on sleep next weekend when nate is here and runs me ragged.

today he said he might bring adorkable with him. this is his main interest at one of his jobs.

i want to meet him. i hope he brings him. i figure two cuties will have a better chance of helping me with my little problem than just one, right?

i mean, what i see happening, is that i have all of my friends helping me. none of them mind or have to really put forth much effort. and i sit back and eventually enjoy the fruits of their labor.

i'm lazy i guess. i think the majority of the beauty of chalk is that he came to me. i didn't have to do anything. i just said yes.

plus, it helps to have a screening process, too. having lustful eyes tends to hide things that i'd like to be able to see. like warning signs. i tend to go completely blind when i have an interest. so the way i see it, it's like putting boys through interviews.

i'll figure out a way to make it worthwhile for anyone who makes more effort than me.

belated birthday brunch with alice.

i'm excited to see her and spend time with her. it's been a whole month.

we have great stories for each other, too.

i don't feel like doing anything today after that. and somehow i'm supposed to bake a cake and some banana bread at kit's. and i really don't feel like it.

life's rough...