luck of the irish? march 17-18.

so yesterday was suck store. after that, i came home and watched a 32 minute interview with the oatmeal on cnet, and then went out with realtor for a drink. on saint patrick's day.

i'm not irish. i think realtor might be the only person i know who is. her whole family was out celebrating, so i joined them for one beer, before going back to the house and meeting up with contractor.

he was sitting on the stoop when we parked, he had just beaten us.

he was petting this cat. this cat has been keeping me up at night the past few nights. she's in heat, and getting into cat fights, and squawking all night long for days now.

so i wasn't thrilled that he was indulging her, but it was cute. and really funny. he said, 'this cat is very affectionate.'

i said, 'yeah... that's because she's in heat, contractor.'

and he said, 'well, now you have a cat.'

we were all cracking up, and made sure she didn't get in when we came inside the house. when we bought the house there were a ton of strays living in it. the windows were all broken, so they'd been living in here for years, most likely. it was horrible. cat pee smell in every room, and when they tore out the original cabinetry during demo, there was a cat skeleton in one of the drawers. it sucked.

she seems too young to have been one of those cats. there was an orange one that hung around for a while after we moved in, and we knew it had been living inside. it was a mean cat, and hated us.

so we commenced the walkthrough, version 3.0, and spent another hour and a half going through the house.

everyone was on the same page. we did manage to rule out some items, because the investment would never pay off.

and what i decided after the walk through, and after driving mindlessly for hours thinking today, is that i'd be stupid to sell it. because i won't get what i would need to get. so i'll hang onto it. and have it as a rental property. unless the market skyrockets and i can cash in and walk away with a lot of money. i just don't see that happening.

and mostly likely, after the six months i'm telling myself i'll live here, i'll either move to the loft and stay, or move out, and rent all four rooms. and either live here or not. it won't matter.

i probably won't live here. unless the neighborhood improves. it already is getting to me. has been since before i moved in. as it gets warmer, it gets progressively worse. until the first really cold day.

the renters would pay my rent to live in my old neighborhood that i love, or somewhere else in the city, if i choose to do that. or home, or in another state. it keeps my options open. and then i can be one of those people in like ten years, who sells my house for half a mil and says, 'man. back in the day, this neighborhood was busted. and i got this house for a steal.'

a girl can continue to dream. and daydream.

we spent a lot of time in the loft. talking about what to do with the space and the bathroom. letting contractor work his visionary magic. we talked about having a door put in for privacy, to either live up there, or to rent it as a fourth room with its own bathroom. and he really wants to tear out my bathroom, which ever did a fantastic job of demolishing. to make it a more functional space, and to make a landing for the door. it's a great plan, and the ballpark price he threw at me was under $10k, so i think it could happen, even if it's in phases. if i can pay down my credit card, or get a side job bartending or something, i could make it happen pretty quickly.

i realized today that contractor owns a bar. and i bet that if i pitched it to him, i could sweet talk him into a few shifts serving there. and basically hand all the money i make working for him right back to him. this also makes him a fount of knowledge for my future scheme of what i want to do with my life. whenever i get to that part.

after pitching every possible idea, and scrapping even more ideas, we talked in the room about the door. i said, i would love to live up there, but need some privacy. without saying, 'i like to walk around naked and i want to have a lot of sex', i got that point across. and we talked candidly about how unawesome that can be in a loft space. and i said, 'yeah. i hope to have sex again someday. but not up here without a door.' (this ties into the story in a second, promise...)

so the list came together nicely, and now it's my job to organize it into a mandatory vs rental vs dream list. and a now vs later list.

when they left, i was completely frazzled. i needed to have had a beer in hand, i think. because it was completely overwhelming, talking about doing all this work and in my brain, thinking about how much it's all going to cost to accomplish.

i had to pee, but we were all still talking, so i ran up quickly. and as i reached for the toilet paper that had fallen on the floor, i remembered something i had forgotten on the list.

i have a towel rack. and a handtowel rack. and a toilet paper holder. sitting in the bathroom on a rack. ever never installed it, and i was afraid to fuck it up. so they've been sitting there for almost three years now. i came down and told them, and contractor asked to see it, and where did i want them.

he was going to go to his truck, grab his drill and do it right then.

i wouldn't let him. but it was nice that was pushing me to let him fix it right then.

then we went out and talked a few more minutes, while i smoked, before they left.

and the subject of the cat came up. and we decided that the cat can be our cat, that he can have weekend visitation and litter duty, and that we'll never fight in front of it. it was funny, this whole skit of fake parent-dom. and when they were leaving, i told him that we'd now crossed the threshold from high fives to hugs.

which was good, saying as we have a cat-kid together and all. and how, since i don't approve of pda's until the loft has a door, this would have to do for now.

i should say, at this point, that contractor is married to a lovely lady. and that it's not at all 'like that', but it's fun to have a guy in the mix with realtor and me who can keep up with silly banter and inappropriate banter and to play off of each other. he is my kind of people.

so they walked to the truck, realtor met back up with her family to pick up where we left off, and i grabbed a beer and got into bed to mindlessly rate boys while watching the final episode netflix had of my space travel show. i'd had a panic episode, the first in a few weeks, i think, in the last bit of time we were inside the house. i think it was all the mental math of contractor's work, and trying to come up with ways to fix the loft inexpensively, as well as coming to the decision that it does have to be gutted two years after it was brand new. ever destroyed the shower and the vanity. the toilet sucks shit, and if that's all coming out, why not make it a much more awesome space and upgrade from a shitty shower stall to a standard tub?

it makes sense. i will be okay. but for a bit last night, i feared i wouldn't sleep.

what i forgot was that i was up at 6 am, completely exhausted by 11 when they left, and that, following a panic episode, your body wants to shut down and sleep to recover.

my eyes started to swim and i turned off and shut off and went to sleep.

and i had the best dream i've had in a while. though it was a tease, as they always are, when they include intern.

we were in a mall or something, separately. and he saw me, but i didn't see him. he was wearing this big winter coat, thick, puffy. and he walked up alongside me, and put his arm around my waist, pulling me to him. he said it was good to see me after excitedly saying my name. i put my arm around him, and commented that he felt bigger, wider.

he said that he'd gained weight (somehow tying in 'fat pants' that we say all the time at work), but that he'd been working out and had bulked up a little in the process. i told him he looked good, and he said something complementary to me. we were just walking around like that, talking, for a while. then we ended up in the front of this classroom, maybe waiting in line for a bathroom or something dream-like of the sort.

and he turned me sideways into him and went to kiss me. not some flimsy peck on the cheek or the lips. but a real kiss, that would have lasted a while.

had my real life roommate not slammed the front door on his way to work at 545 this morning.

as ends every single dream i have about intern, every single time, right when i was about to make out with him for a long time (and probably have sex with him in that bathroom - gasp!), i woke up. and was so completely frustrated as i always am, and wanted to cry like i always do. and cursed him for waking me up at such a critical moment. and also for waking me up in general, because i couldn't fall back asleep for a long time. and of course had a delightful nightmare after that, not involving intern in any way.

rough start. i did fall back asleep. and i did wake up again at 745 when mike was getting ready for work. and i did fall back asleep. and didn't let myself get out of bed until 915. i needed the sleep. badly. i spent my entire weekend last week and this entire week completely wiped out. today was the first day i was able to sleep in, and i felt fantastic.

when i was at work, at my store, i parked in the loading dock like i always do. and the security guard always jokes with me about my car getting towed. which won't ever happen because they have to ask him before they do it, and he lets me park there.

but apparently, today, parking for the university found me in violation. luckily my car was still there, but it had one of those big obnoxious stickers on the window, fluorescent orange, warning me that next time i would be towed.

it sucked, i couldn't peel it off beyond the top third. i need to fix it, more than anything because it's an embarrassing eye sore.

but i got two coffees there, and had fun while i was there. and went to delaware.

which was fine. got in on the lottery pool at the office. bought my own three tickets i always get. and a bag of new jalepeno combos at the gas station. where half a tank of gas now costs about $30. fucking insanity.

besides that, all i ate today was the last third of a peanut butter chocolate brownie i've been nibbling at for a couple days now.

and too much coffee.

i listened to ani's living in clip on my way down and back up, with the windows down, volume cranked, singing my little heart out. and continued in my room, blasting and singing while the boys were still at work, while i was waiting for lauren. and then that dog while i walked to the subway, and weezer when i rode home. all of them made me miss nina terribly, and long for late spring into summer, when the drive would be headed in the direction of a beach if i was in hometown.

i came home from delaware after unsuccessfully convincing the girls to have a drink with me after they were done at my store. and got lauren to meet me out up in her neighborhood.

the last time i went to this bar on a friday night, the only time, rather, it was crawling with hot boys.

so i thought i'd scope it out, have a couple beers at happy hour, get something substantial into my stomach, and head home relatively early.

we grabbed beers while we waited for a table outside. it was in the 70s here today. i left that part out.

so we waited for a while, talking outside.

this boy who i had crushed on at my store for a long time was there. with his wife and baby, which i knew about. he's the nicest, sweetest, cutest guy. and the day i asked him where he'd been, and he said that he had a new son, my heart broke a little. most days, it seems all the good ones are taken. so it was funny to see him there, with the wife and with the baby. i looked at him a couple times, but he didn't see me, so i didn't say hi or wave. which was probably for the best. i always think that girlfriends can tell when random chicks know your man and want him. especially when he's completely off the market.

in any case, this boy server walked past us, and something clicked in my head.

one of the boys from dating site? could it be??

he was another of the boys i'd pegged as a three star, only because he's not my usual type. he's tall and blonde and babyfaced. not the usual short and dark and beardy type i hone in on.

but i kept going back to him when i saw him first, because there was something about him. from what he said, i assumed he'd have an accent, which was a little exciting to me. and based on what kit explained to me, i was pretty sure that he had given me four stars.

for whatever reason, i never said anything to him or gave him four stars to instigate something. and in person, if this was the same boy, he was very cute. very blushy. and i was mostly positive it was him, so i turned up the smiles and mini-flirts a little. and he was a little awkward and smiley, which pretty much sealed it, in my primed mind. i was totally sure this was the guy.

we were there for a beer, then dinner, then two more beers. neither of us wanted to leave because it was so warm out and so nice to sit outside. toward the end, i couldn't have a third saison for fear of making it home on the train, and asked him for something lighter, and less alcohol laden. i'm pretty sure he picked out a victory. if only he knew that they were my favorite brewery for most of the last year... it was a good beer. and better, because he picked it.

and not just because he's a potential boy. i love asking bartenders and servers for their pick. i have gotten surprised a couple times by things i never would have tried, both times at favorite bar, that were brought to me when i asked for a suggestion. one was a kolsch. and one was a pale ale, which i'd ruled out previously, that was fantastic.

i'm not so into the hoppy stuff. i love bell's two hearted. and that's about it. i usually stick to hefeweizens and will take a pilsner if i have to. they tend to have a bite to them that i don't care for. but the one i had tonight was very smooth.

so we wrapped it up, and left. we were both beer-sleepy and wanted to head towards our homes.

we had a great talk, mostly funny stories and light stuff. and for some dumb reason, i started bringing out the heavier, less awesome topics toward the end. it was okay. i guess i had a couple beers and started talking about whatever came to mind, stream of consciousness-wise. but it was a super fun night out, i was grateful that she made time for me, and that it worked. i had wanted to go to favorite bar. but going to north phila was the best decision.

so i walked back to the train, and rode home, loving how fast and easy it is to get everywhere from the house, except for work.

and i got online, and looked up the boy i was convinced it was. and i really do think it might be him. so i messaged him, with some help from nina. asking i had seen him tonight at that bar, or if there were two of him in this town.

that was it.

if i get a response, i'll go from there.

because the boy who waited on us tonight? totally someone i would date. he was adorable and nice.

and what was funnier is that, when i looked at his profile again, i saw that he likes mediterranean food. and i had ordered a chicken pita. which had a respectable amount of feta, and only three little kalamata olives. a joke was made about it being romantical that i ordered something he would prefer to a lot of the other stuff on the menu.

i'm trying not to overthink it. i do hope he gets back to me. even if it's to say, 'i don't know what the fuck you're talking about'.

he's only an 80% match, and i think it's because he probably wants a girlfriend and his answers reflect that.

i guess that is the caveat with online dating. there's so much you just don't get. and nothing compares to in-person connections/chemistry. or just a simple interaction that is a better snapshot than so many words and a few pictures that are mostly not recent.

so was this st patrick's day lucky? i don't know. not yet. but maybe soon i will. the weather makes everything so much better. so much more tolerable.

even the loneliness, and the sadness. when it's not as cold, the bed doesn't feel quite so empty.

ketchup. march 17th.

i am so tired.

i have been so busy. run ragged.

i can't seem to recover from last weekend, which i knew was a bad idea, but felt like i had to do anyway.

i have to re-read to remember what has happened since i last wrote.

a couple things.

first, i got another message from another boy that i had sent something to. he is the astronaut.

he was talking about space travel in his profile, so i told him that i had written that post about living on mars, or just going out into space, with or without the option to return.

and he waited a week i guess. and then sent something back, a movie recommendation. i figure i'll send him something back in a few days. i'll have to think about it.

meanwhile, back at the house, night before last, mike came home with like ten bags of groceries. i had just crammed a few things from my apartment into the last remaining space in the refrigerator and freezer. it was rough.

so i looked at him trying not to laugh, and said, 'where on earth are you going to put that?'

he opened the door and said he didn't know.

and i told him that i had been wanting to clean out the fridge and freezer, would he want to help me.

and he said yes. so we spent the next hour and a half clearing everything out. shawn said he didn't have anything, so anything that wasn't mike's and wasn't on my shelf got tossed. anything in the doors that was expired got tossed.

four garbage bags and five bags of recycling later, both sides were nearly empty. it was insane. there was so much that was there from when i lived there the first time. stupid ever.

and? he left beer there. there were four pbr tall boys in the fridge. and i had seen an empty can in his room when i came through. mike claimed them. it made me sad.

it was a great night of cleaning, but i was already so spent. i just had funny timing. i happened to go downstairs to grab a beer and he walked in with the bags. but i'd been wanting to clean it out since i moved in, so it was a good thing.

it just stole my writing time.

we were cracking up about the things that were in there. he was holding stuff up, asking me what he should do, and my rule became 'if you can't recognize it, toss it'. the funniest thing we found was a jar of pickles in the back of the fridge. it had one and a half pickles in this huge jar. and the half pickle was bitten in half, not cut.

he said, 'who DOES that???'

we were laughing most of the time we were working, and i'm still cracking up about it. i guess he'd thought things were all mine or shawn's and i thought it was all his, so once we determined that mostly everything had been there since before he moved in, or just after, it was a simple task.

i went to bed after having three blueberry waffles and beer for dinner. not my best moment, but it made me feel better.

what i can say is that, since i moved into the house, i haven't been snacking in bed. it makes me sad in my heart, but because of the mice that were running rampant, i couldn't justify doing it anymore. plus the kitchen is on the first floor, so it's not the next room over like it was in the apartment. it's fine. less crumbs in my bed. less mice in my room.

last night was last art class. i almost didn't go, because i was so wiped out and knew i'd be up at 6 today. but i was so proud of myself this semester - for the first time in four classes, i didn't skip a single class. snow days ruined three of our classes i guess, so i didn't feel like i could justify missing more than the school forced us to miss.

i didn't have a good night there, but that was okay. i feel like i got a lot out of that class regardless. i had forgotten a lot, it's not that he was the best teacher, but that he pulled it back out of me, and helped me understand things i hadn't before.

i don't know what i'll do in the fall, maybe i won't because i intend to travel. but for now, i'm actually glad to be done with class, so i can have wednesday nights open again.

i really forgot how loud this neighborhood is. and how quiet the other one was. it's the contrast that reminded me.

i can not sleep without ear plugs now. it sucks. i lost one of the two i had the second day i slept there, i don't know where it went. night before last, people were fighting outside at around midnight. then at five am, someone rang my doorbell. twice.

what the fuck? who does that? the doorbell is so loud, it's a buzzer, not a sweet chime or a quiet dinging. so it scared the shit out of me, woke me from a deep sleep.

and i got up to look out the window to see if there was something i should see. but no one was there. assholes.

it was raining for hours that night, and when i got back into bed, i couldn't fall asleep for at least an hour. i really wish that i could change that about myself. i just start worrying and thinking, and can't turn it off. when i did fall asleep, i had this horrible nightmare about ever killing someone, and expecting me to hide him.

it was awful, he was in the house, but it was a different house. and this helicopter flew up to the second floor window, and these two detective guys in suits came through the window, and took a bunch of pictures quickly, and back into the helicopter and went to look for him, because he had grabbed some of this things and taken off. all i remember is that he took some plastic ikea clothes hangers, and that he was wearing a blue hospital gown.

he's been in my subconscious, i guess. last night, i forget what i was dreaming, but he was in the dream.

i saw the shrink on tuesday. it was an okay visit. i thought i'd need her more than i did. i struggled to fill the time with chatter. she was glad that i am expecting certain things to be difficult, so that i am mentally prepared, which she has said before. and i made my next appointment for three weeks away, though i don't know if i'll want/need to keep it.

i feel so much less stressed out now. we talked only a little about dating site, how i feel completely ready now, which is interesting in contrast to everything i said and felt four months ago. like, chomping at the bit ready.

how it feels sometimes like it changed overnight. i remember wanting boys, but knowing that i had no business with one. and now i feel like i deserve one.

i will fear the details of going on a date, and bringing a boy home, until it happens. and then i either remember how to talk to a new boy and how to persuade him into my bed, or struggle and gain a new skill set.

i'll be fine. i just hope i don't have to wait too much longer. i have been wanting sex for a while, but the past few days, i want a boy to nuzzle and make out with. sigh.

i also started watching 'when we left earth'. it's this series that covers space travel since it first began, and through recent time. i started watching it as a replacement for 'the universe' because i've now seen them all at least twice, some five and six times. but this show is really stressful and intense, because i don't know the history as well as i could. it's an amazing show. i'm totally hooked on it. but it doesn't knock me out like other shows do. it tends to wake me up instead.

so i'm picking up my deposit. landlord thanked me for making the apartment so clean upon leaving. made me feel better about leaving early anyways.

and shawn paid the other half of rent.

and i get paid tomorrow. so instead of having no money, i actually will have some money. i have to pay down my credit card, but it's okay.

i really really want botox.

like really REALLY really.

i just can't spend that money on myself right now. i'm too broke.

but pretty soon, i'll be a dating ace, without worry lines, living in a clean and unpacked house, getting a full night's sleep. and getting laid.

a girl can daydream...

oh, well...

the boy that i was supposed to go on a date with deleted his account.

maybe he's just hibernating until finals are over.

i sure hope so. i'm almost heartbroken.

happy place. march 13th.

it's a little weird. i'm watching crybaby. finally.

i do love johnny depp. and young johnny depp? yeah.

today was a crazy day. i think i might have overdone it.

i'm so exhausted. and i need a shower like what. i laid around for the better part of the morning. i guess i woke up at 1030, in light of daylight saving. and got up at noon to start working.

i finished the floor in the shop. which took a long time. but it looks amazing. like nothing ever happened. i could kill ever. i wished him harm for the entirety of the six or so hours it took to clean up his mess. i told lauren last night that i wanted to kick him in the nuts and punch him in the throat, all at the same time. would it kill him to do that? i hope not. i just want to maim him.

what an asshole.

but once it was done, and had aired out for the better part of the day, i started unpacking up there, and setting everything up.

and now? i have my happy place.

i have a guest room, full size bed, all pretty and cozy.

i have an office, with a desk and a lamp and everything. i just need to get kit's roll-y office chair to complete it.

and i have an art space. all my supplies are up there. and my easel.

it's so exciting.

i can't wait until this work is done, on my end, so that i can make some art, and use my new happy place for its intended purposes.

house guests. art. work.

it's going to be awesome.

so after a weekend spent working my ass off, i'm going to work this week completely exhausted.

i had expected and feared having all this time off this week. and instead, i got screwed (royally) and had to work every single day. no rest for the weary. and this week? that's me.

it would be so nice to have a day off this week, but i don't see how it could even happen. i'd love to take a day without pay. to just sleep and be lazy. and get a little work done. and be lazy some more.

this movie's pretty funny. i liked the part where the girl's mom, in court, says, 'your honor? can we please get our daughter the fuck out of here?'

and the part where the warden tells crybaby that he's getting a haircut. and he gags.


closest thing to a musical that i can say i like. except for the bits with licking the tears. and drinking the tears. ugh.

in dating site news, i messaged a few more boys. winks and whatnot. and i didn't hear anything back about it, but am feeling better and better about approaching boys. getting some balls, to try to do it in real life.

and i'm really hoping that one boy doesn't flake on me. the alot. i keep thinking about what it will be like. what i'll wear. what i'll say. where we'll go.

i have NO IDEA.

what do you say on a first date? how ridiculous is it that i haven't ever done this before? pretty goddamn ridiculous.

i should be well versed in this by now. i mean, rusty, but i should know the basics.

i guess it goes something like this:

1. hi, i'm tea. (hi, i'm alot.)

then i order a beer before progressing to the next question.

2. so what do you do - you're a student? (yeah.)

3. what do you study? (i have no idea what he will say...)

then what? i feel so unprepared. for a date that might not even happen. it's why i really wanted a practice date before one that matters to me.

oh, well.

i'm going to try to sleep. i don't know if i will be able to. i know the clock says ten, but it feels like nine. and i hate showering at night, because i almost always take them to wake up in the morning. but i had to get one. dirty and tired and achy. and the hottest shower i could stand made me feel much, much better.

thing is, i had a beer early, at like five. and another with dinner at 730. i want one more. and i shouldn't. tomorrow is going to be a little bit of an ordeal, with getting to work. i have to drive to the apartment and leave my car there. walk to work. all because i didn't have the movers bring breezey to the house. i need to clean there anyways, and then i can do that after work.

it will all be fine. just adjusting to the new routine is a bit pesky.

i've really missed my old neighborhood this weekend. being so close to favorite bar, being so close to kit. feeling safe.

last night some crazy person was having a screaming fight and doing something that sounded like taking a hammer to someone's house in the street. it woke me up and scared me.

i'll reacclimate in due time, i guess.