panic room. june 23rd.

again this morning, i woke up in the middle of a panic attack. i was having a weird dream, but not a bad one, but my mind started racing. and i couldn't slow my heart down. so i did what i did day before yesterday: sat up, popped an ativan, laid back down with a pillow over my head and tried to fall back asleep.

it didn't work. i did calm down, but i was awake, and not going back to sleep. too many thoughts. i didn't write anything down last night, because i wasn't worried before going to sleep. i was kinda daydreamy. but this morning more than made up for that lack.

i wrote down a lot. and told myself not to worry. it was my delaware day, so it was supposed be fun and easy. and i got paid from work this week, so i could actually buy everything i want/need. but the way i woke up scared me, and i didn't feel 'normal' until i was halfway to the office.

maybe i should back up, to yesterday. i was having a decent day. i woke up feeling pretty gross. but i went to suck store, and it didn't suck! it was busy. well, busier than it's been in a year. i had handled a couple things, and was starting to feel better about my life in general. and then, around lunch, i got a cute text that made me laugh. and by the time i left with $40 in tips in my pocket (SUPER awesome), i was smiling.

while i was on a roll, i thought that i would tackle the gas company.

i also had two days of not crying under my belt. i walked into that office a little nervous, but also a little full of myself. i'd been told to bring proof that i wasn't in the house when ever racked up the bills last winter. i'd had my apartment, so i knew i was cool, because the house was in his name, and my apartment was in mine, and i always paid my bills on time. the lease was what they needed - it proved i wasn't responsible for the house.

so i walked in, and the lady said to come back with a copy of my lease, and the deed and anything else that would prove i wasn't there. and i went home, went straight to the box it was stored in, and had everything in my hands inside of three minutes. and i said aloud, 'damn, i'm good.'

and with a big, stupid smile walked back into the gas company. a little swagger, even. i was about to stick it to ever. big time. and get out of one of the problems that had been scaring me for a while, and getting something un-fun over with.

and i sat down and pushed my paperwork across the desk, and waited for everything to be fixed.

and ran into a problem.

she started looking through everything, and said that everything i needed was there. but as she went to change the account over into my name, backdated to march (when i moved in), she got her supervisor. and explained to him, in front of me, that the bill was on my experian credit file.

i got pissed at first. 'i don't understand. it was in HIS name. mine was in MY name. why is HIS account on MY credit report?'

and she told me flatly that, because WE were married, and because WE owned the house, WE were responsible for the bill. because we includes me, and he is now gone, i am now the responsible party. because it's linked to the house, which i now solely own, they said that there is nothing i can do, threw around the word 'lien' for a while.

and i lost it. total cryfest. i kept saying 'i don't understand' and 'i can't believe this'. asking through tears, 'why even have something in your name if it doesn't matter? this makes no sense! i have a court order that says that he personally is responsible. how can you come after me?'

and they didn't really have answers, so the girl and her supervisor got on the phone with his supervisor. saying that i had all the proof that i wasn't there and didn't rack up the bills. and that experian is linked to me. after about ten minutes on the phone and a lot of 'uh-huh's, he hung up and said, 'okay. go ahead and open a new account in her name. backdate it to march.'

and i should feel relief, but when he walked away, she said that she made extra copies of the paperwork i brought with me. because when it goes up another level, sometimes paperwork gets lost, and decisions get challenged.

ever's total: $1100.

just for the gas bill.

when i sat there, holding my hair, pulling at my hair, pressing on my forehead (and crying, of course), i was having visions of going back to court. of having to see him again. of having to call my lawyer, and shelling out another $1000 on top of all the rest of the money. and after those thoughts got pushed to the back burner, i wondered how many more people are going to come after me and the house.

because he did this with everyone. i did call the electric company, and that wasn't linked to me, so i'm okay there.

i don't know. i left there feeling really scared. and after walking in feeling so happy, i didn't even make it to the car before lighting a cigarette and taking long drags. i thanked the people who helped me. and now i keep my fingers crossed and hope that they don't come back after me. because i know he will never pay. if he didn't pay with $7000 in his hands, why would he pay now?

last night, in talking to mom, she mentioned that hospitals will do the same thing. which is HORRIFYING. because i know he was in the hospital at least three times without insurance. so if that somehow gets linked to me, i am royally fucked.

and mom also said that it only poses a problem if i am trying to sell the house. but still...

this whole thing is just crazy. and it's all because i didn't get a bill in the mail. so i called. and they said i should come down to their office. had i not called? this would have all been done already.

i went home, walked straight to the fridge, and grabbed a beer. sat down in front of the tv with aubree and watched three or four episodes of dexter together. i'd been craving chinese food for a couple weeks, since i had been broke, actually. so that night (wednesday), we had chinese. and it was awesome.

while we were watching tv, mike came home, so the three of us were joking around and hanging out together. and shaun came in the front door. all of us have been talking about him and what to do and what approach to take for the past couple weeks since he's spewed all the bullshit in my general direction. so when he walked in after ignoring my texts and not saying a word to me on his way in and out of my house, we all just watched the tv instead of looking at him. and out of the corners of all of our eyes, we saw him wave halfheartedly.

and when he changed and walked back out a little later, he kept his head straight, and went out quickly.

and we all made faces in the direction of the front door. and i had them help me decide how to word the text that i'd send the next day. 'if i don't have money from you by 6pm on saturday, make sure your room is clean, because i'm showing it on sunday.'

so i'm probably out my $700 fucking dollars there, but i kinda can't wait to kick him out.

it's funny - he's rarely home. so if i was him, i'd probably be bent about paying a third of the bills. but that's not really my problem. but the thing is, his room is a mess. he makes big meals and doesn't clean up after himself. we all take turns cleaning the house top to bottom, including toilet scrubbing. and we all do the dishes collectively, too. and i usually collect the trash from everywhere and take it all out. but he has never once offered to help with anything. has never unloaded the dishwasher, touched a cleaning product. and sometimes we do an experiment where we clean the entire kitchen, except for his pots and pans and plates with food on them. and they will sit until we give up a week later.

he's just a fucking tool. and during the process of interacting with him about the rent, i'm realizing he is really really fucking DUMB. his texts read something like 'whatevr you decidedded. is fair.' and 'i should have communicateded bettter.' and 'i get paid wedensday.'

seriously? retarded. with his ipad in hand, telling me that his phone texting isn't working, while accidentally sending texts to me that were intended for other people.

so, yeah. it will be good when he is gone. i just hope i get money from him before he leaves, or else i'm headed to small claims court. UNREAL.

the downward spiral of ever is evident in his choice of tenants. he chose mike, who is awesome, right when i left. and chose shaun right before i moved back in. let him live there for a month rent-free. guess shaun feels like funkhauser is his own personal flophouse? a nice non-profit.

at least being a firm landlord after being nice for 24 days will fix the problem. maybe he'll leave some stuff behind i can sell off or something. what a fucking idiot. this of course means i'll have to change the locks. again. i think i got one of those smart key locks. let's hope i thought ahead and did that, so i'm not out another $50 for a new front door lock set.

my day at suck store (that didn't suck) was made a little more interesting, thanks to some text interaction with quinn.

i think i might finally have something that i can bust her for, and hopefully HOPEFULLY fire her for. not that i want to do her job for the foreseeable future, but it would be better than having her around. i will make it work...

and i will have plenty of help. eager to contribute to a quinn-free workplace.

she basically was fighting my decision to work at her store. after the email where i bitched her out about challenging me and second guessing kenna, she did that. three separate times. and it raised a red flag to me, while i tried to figure out how to trap her by appearing to be helpful.

in any case, it was very suspicious, and she wouldn't tell me why it was that she doesn't want me there next week. and because i'm spiteful, not only am i going on tuesday as i said i was, i'm also going on monday. unannounced. to see what the shit is going on.

here's to hoping it's SOMETHING going on, not nothing going on. i just need a little ammo. it will all be over soon. i hope.

i guess that situation stressed me out a little, but at the same time, i keep hoping that the end is near. that i'll either piss her off enough to make her quit, or that i'll have grounds to fire her.

and then yesterday happened.

i got home from the office after picking aubree up. it was actually a great day, because i took care of a few things that have been hanging over my head. mostly work related. and the beauty of that is, even though it's not really stuff you can noticeably tell i've done, i feel better. i'm crossing things off the worry list, a few at a time. in my home, at work, and mentally.

plus, driving back with a trunkful of beer and cigarettes, and a tankful of gas, and a pocket with three lottery tickets made me feel like i can breathe again.

got home, had a beer and finished up dexter season 1 with aubree. i'm stalled out at season 3, unable to get it on netflix streaming. i'll catch her up to me, and then go from there.

which reminds me. there's another mystery...

i am not getting mail at the house.

the only thing that is showing up is my national geographic magazine.

i don't know what the fuck is going on. but my netflix? nope. gas bill? nope. electric bill? no. water bill? nah. car bill? nope. either credit card bill? scary as fuck. but no...

not a thing. and i don't know what to do about it! if someone decided to forward my mail somewhere else, how would i find that out?? it was on my list for the trip to the gas company, but after that snag, there wasn't time.

last night, i dragged aubree to the dave bazan show. it was pretty good. the funny thing is that i expected him to be quiet. the first time (and last time) i saw him was back in college, with the sun. he played with ida, and it was the first time i'd ever been to a show that was silent. the crowd was completely glued and it blew my mind a bit.

last night, the band who opened for him was a guy from bon iver. and they were exactly like that. everyone was quiet - it was even commented on, 'you guys are awesome. thanks for being so respectful.'

and though they were very sad, quiet, and beautiful, there were a few songs that picked up a little, and i really really liked them.

so imagine my surprise when dave bazan started playing very loud straightforward rock. it was crazy. and he had taken a few of his very slow sad old pedro the lion songs and refitted them to his band. and they were barely recognizable.

he was good, he's entertaining, and his voice gets me. and he was funny. he kept asking if we had any questions, every time he tuned his guitar. and had some pretty funny answers.

i'm glad i went. i'm glad aubree went. we got home just after midnight, both of us were hungry and sad that the pretzel factory wasn't open. eating late spelled certain disaster for me. i knew i'd be awake for a while after i ate. i was super awake from the show as it was. and what i didn't know when i bought the tickets a couple months back was that i would have to wake up at 545 in the morning.

i know i was up at 1, with the lights out and the universe on.

and i wasn't worrying about anything, which was both new and different. but my heart was racing. and it wouldn't stop. and i couldn't stop thinking about good intentions, and things that get said. and things that don't end up happening. and i couldn't fall asleep. my thoughts were so loud that i couldn't even hear the episode. i had no idea what was going on. but my head wouldn't stop.

so after about 15 minutes of trying to sleep through loud thoughts, i gave up, turned on the lamp, and wrote them all out. even though they weren't worries, really, they went in the book, because they were the racing thoughts keeping me on the awake side of sleep.

and i wrote them out. and gave it a second. like a man at a urinal. another little dribble. wait. shake. dribble. done. flush.

and i turned out the light, and rolled over onto my side in the dark, and fell asleep crying.

i'm slowly trying to regain control over what i can in my life. and as for the rest of it? i'm just giving up on that for now. i'm repeatedly disappointed, and i can't go through it anymore.

i know that shit happens. i get that things come up. but consistent preferences and choices that make me feel fucking dumb? i just can't do it. maybe this is another mood swing. and maybe i'll change my mind tomorrow. fuck. maybe today. all i know is that last night? last night i was too sad for my own good. after a decent day. and an otherwise good night.

my passive aggressive side came out on paper. because i wrote, 'say it to my face'. and vowed to not be available otherwise. i doubt i'll be strong enough for that. i can't imagine ignoring any form of communication. but that is what i'm feeling sensitive about. so i think i should. i don't know if i can. but i at least have to try.

it's going to be quiet. i'll continue to be sad about it. mourning some imaginary loss that i'm already feeling foolish about...

i have to switch to paper journal. i have too much to say about it, and this is just not the place.

the worry book. june 21st. summer solstice.

i've been catching a few horoscopes lately. and every single one has been astonishingly accurate to my life.

one was about reconsidering career paths the same day i was looking at job postings. another was just after that, talking about career stress being on the way out.

and today, about sudden moments of self-doubt, about whether i can handle my responsibilities.

this following a strange day.

i woke up having a panic attack. really, i think it's worse than waking up crying from a nightmare/dream. the dream was benign. i was with nina and a friend, maybe at a wedding or a party or something. and there was an issue with a dress. but i woke up with a start, flat on my back, paralyzed as per the usual. and my arms were folded above my head. i woke up at 6, and could not calm myself down, much less go back to sleep. at 7 i gave up, sat up, took an ativan to try to salvage my day, and laid around for maybe twenty more minutes before getting up to get a shower. by the time i was out of the shower, i was feeling more normal. but a very nervous, very nauseous version of normal.

when i wake up like that, i am deep in worry. some things are senseless. some things are real. it's a heavy mixture that hits me so quickly that i cannot stop it or slow it or try to snuff it out.

today's stress was completely work related. even though i was at my favorite store until noon, the things i had to tackle were not fun. mundane health department nutrition labeling. easy, but boring. but the bigger task was related to quinn's store schedule.

kenna has asked me to put in hours at her store, working shifts to reconnect with the store. i really don't want to, especially because it will mean that the two of us work together. but i have to do it. despite the fact that it makes me feel kindof sick inside.

and for kim and pam to be full time, it means that their hours at fun store get cut, because the sales suck. and that one of them has to go work with her as well.

it felt like all the fun getting sucked out of a morning. everyone was sad and angry about it, even though we all know what needs to be done.

at a point this afternoon, i decided to suck it up and try to talk it up to pam, saying that maybe if we both work over there and make it super fun, the hate brigade will disband and maybe the store will be a little more like ours.

wouldn't that be nice? if only...

after dealing with that, i got into the car and drove to the shrink.

i was nervous about it since yesterday. it happens every time i feel less than awesome and go to talk to her. part of me is always happy to get help. which is why i go. but i don't minimize the work it takes to go to a shrink, and go through everything with a fine tooth comb, and have it analyzed.

today, especially. i have been trying to avoid my stress, until the last two days. and thinking about all of it at once with her made me feel like i was going to feel overwhelmed all over again.

but a couple things happened. one, i paid the worst bill today, over the phone. the bill never showed up, and i got another collections call, so i just handled it. and i got two email responses from people interested in the room in the house for rent.

so it made me feel like, worst case scenario, i will have an option, and won't have to go too long without collecting rent, if what i think will happen happens on the 30th.

it's a tiny bit of control to recapture. to know that i have the upper hand, even though he has money that is owed me.

and dealing with quinn about the schedule was fine. it's not that she was nice, but we are able to deal with each other, which is mandatory. i think we'll be able to go along, just working, for a while. maybe me being around her all the time will annoy her enough to get her out. who knows...

so by the time i got to the shrink, the worst part of my day was over with, and the rest was downhill. i had a decent talk with greg under my belt, from last night, and that was enough of a relief to be able to feel like at least a couple things are starting to go right. or just not go wrong.

i started with the work stuff. and it's funny to me, how every time i talk about quinn to anyone else, their eyes get big, and they say, 'it sounds like she's being inappropriate' or 'disrespecting you is a problem'. not something, like stealing, that would be easy to fire over. and just talking about it made me stress over it again, so after a bit, i changed subjects.

and talked about the job search/giving up/burnt out/wanting to quit thing. i prefaced it by saying that i know it's because i thought i'd be done by now. and she commended me for realizing that it's not like things at work are so unbearable that i need to go. and she also pointed out that, if this one person wasn't in the picture, i'd not be feeling this way at all. which is true.

and then i talked about the money problems and non-rent. and how i finally was able to make an ad for the room, and feel a little bit better about it, which is when she commented that she was glad that i am doing something to take some control back in that aspect of my life.

and i talked about quitting the house, too. how when it gets like this i want to sell it. and recognize that it is definitely not the answer. as easy as it sounds like it would be. and talked about beating myself up about the house work that isn't getting done. and how the money stress is tied to not being able to make progress on the house.

and then i think i spent the rest of the time talking about the state i've been in the last couple weeks. with the crying. and the not getting out of bed for hours at a time. how money is tied to it, and how the hormones are as well.

and this light bulb went off over her head. she pulled out her iphone to look up nuvaring. and said, 'oh. this makes so much sense, tea.' and explained how it's a combo of estrogen, which really doesn't do much in the way of mood altering, but how it's got a hefty dose of progesterone in it as well. and how that triggers mood swings, and depression, and serious bouts of the weepies. that it's why pms feels the way it does. and that, after not having extra amounts of that in my body for so long, reintroducing it in such a drastic way is highly to blame for how i've been feeling.

and she agreed with me, to give it at least another month before deciding whether i should stick with it or change to something different. but that it makes sense why i've never felt quite this intensely emotional until now, and why it is happening now, and how it's making everything else feel.

and i linked that to greg, too. for that first month of magic, i felt like i could do anything. i felt like nothing could get me down. i squashed problems as they arose and smiled while doing it. and since then, as things have gotten progressively worse and harder for me, using him as a crutch to get through shitty days by distracting myself with him was super helpful.

but leave it to two incredibly stressful weeks, pumped full of hormones at their highest level, and time away from him, and it makes sense that i'd add him to the pile of problems.

she reaffirmed my feeling of wanting more time with him. she said that it's really important when a new relationship is starting to have that face time. and that the rest can be great, but that the real time spent together is important. and that, despite the fact that it is so early on, i shouldn't feel strange for requesting a little more time with him.

and as far as the rest, in talking about it, she agrees that it can wait, that the timing might be a little off. and that having a little more time with him will help with the stuff i feel in the between times.

sunday felt so unbearable to me, because of the time it would take to have the opportunity to feel like the beginning was recaptured. and she said that sometimes that doesn't get recaptured, but that it probably would. i felt so completely disconnected from him on saturday, and told him so on sunday morning. and thinking about the things i thought and put myself through in the two weeks it took to pin him down, and having to go through two more? i just couldn't deal. when i locked the door behind him, i told aubree, 'i'm in big trouble' and lost it.

because i couldn't see it being any easier. any better. i couldn't see that we could reconnect without seeing each other. it felt impossible. and i heard the sound of my own heart breaking. i felt myself breaking my own heart. and the entire time i spent with him was totally awkward. i felt awkward the day before, and during, and i didn't know what to say or do. and being aware of my awkwardness made me even MORE awkward. it was awful. i'd never felt like that around him before, so i didn't know how to counteract it. so i didn't. and felt awkward even after he left. it was bad.

i'm so glad that last night's talk helped with that. i mean, it's not fixed, because i didn't bring up wanting to see him more. but we talked about saturday, and about everything else in the old way. where we interrupt each other's tangents out of excitement, and don't run out of things to say. hearing him happier, and feeling better myself before i even got the call, made it seem like it will be okay.

what i got from my trip to see the shrink today inspired a genuine smile. she said, 'i want you to do something. you're a writer. this won't be hard for you.'

she said to get a paper journal. keep it on my nightstand. and every morning, like today, when i wake up worrying, write every single worry down before i get out of bed. and every night, when i'm trying to sleep and can't stop worrying, write those down, too.

and every day, when i'm not in bed waking up or falling asleep, that i'm not allowed to worry. because i either already addressed it, or will at the end of the day, if it's still bothering me. it's about separating. compartmentalizing. because it's so difficult to think around problems when you're worrying. it's so counterproductive and counterintuitive. entirely problematic.

by limiting the time that i am actively allowed to worry, and locking it up and setting it aside literally and figuratively, i should notice a difference. and if i don't, and the panic attacks don't stop or subside, then we can reassess. but she also said that it's okay to look back through them. and to bring it with me if i feel like sharing with her what it is that i obsessively worry about.

and i wonder if being allowed to worry will create more or eliminate the need. if i'll have something to write down every day and every night.

i think night time will be harder. but most mornings, i can wake up without worrying. today was just NOT one of those days.

but the idea made me smile. and i have the blank sketchbook journal to do it in already in my room, currently unused. awesome stuff. awesome shrink. she helped me a lot today, like i knew that she would. and she said to also pay attention to whether i need to use ativan as much, when i'm writing out the worries. to see if i still need it to alleviate the worry. it's an experiment i'm interested to do.

and now i also feel hopeful, because i feel like i finally broke free of this oppressed sex drive as well. because of feeling so fucking awful all the time, i couldn't think a sexy thought if i tried - it was close to a week of feeling that way. feeling ugly, feeling tired and sad, feeling like the last thing on earth that i deserved or was capable of was sex. made worse by the fact that the weeks before that, i couldn't stay out of my bedroom.

this, in light of the hormonal attack i'm under to have sex? unbelieveable!

but last night, something changed in my brain. maybe the hormones had a week to taper off. maybe i felt just slightly better enough to be able to turn off my brain for a second.

i don't know what it was. but i kinda turned my head to the side, thinking, 'is that? whaaaa? could it be? yes. yes it IS!' i was turned on.

and today, again. turned on.

so i think i'm coming out of the funk. if the constant stress panic would just flow a little away from me, i'll be better. if this nervous sickness would wane a little, i'll feel like i can handle things.

i felt so sick for a couple days, sunday particularly, that i thought i was going to throw up. and because there is absolutely nothing i hate worse than puking, i talked myself down from it minute to minute until the threat passed. but yesterday on my way to suck store, i couldn't have my usual two cigarettes, and thought seriously for a minute about pulling over to puke. and on sunday, when i was done napping and finally got out of bed at 3, i went to the bathroom, and hoped that i could keep it down, and i did.

i don't know why i feel so physically sick when i'm stressed like this. i've been using my usual fix, which is stress eating. pigging out on shit food, especially when i'm not hungry, just to feel good for the second that i'm tasting it. i mean, the boy nerves do tend to make me unable to eat much of anything, but that is definitely not what is going on with me right now. and i can think of two times that i've puked in the last year, both from being too drunk. so it's not like it's a feeling i'm accustomed to. but in the thick of this past week, i think it has something to do with feeling hot and cold and sweaty all at the same time. those little sick waves. probably linked to chemicals being released in my body and my body fighting back. i don't know. but laying under the same blanket, with the fan on the same speed, in the same spot, with the a/c on the same temp? i go from being hot to cold over and over. foot out, shoulder out. covers to my chin the next minute.

it's just gross. i hope that is over now, because it's awful.

tomorrow at suck store will probably be a little frustrating, as cat didn't do what i asked her to. i saw her today, unannounced, after the shrink. and reminded her gently. but it was too late in the day for her to fix it.

and a completely unrelated rant:

you know you live in the hood when hoodrats steal your fucking garbage cans. i don't think i wrote about the insanity on saturday before the move and greg hangout. it was the one day of the month where my slob neighbors sweep the street. they throw their trash on the ground all the time. buy a bag of chips, eat it, throw the bag on the ground. i figured out accidentally, pretty early on after moving back in, that when i forgot to put in my trash cans on garbage day, they actually used them! all that trash where it rightfully belongs. once someone stole the trash bag out of my can. that was pretty ballsy. and last week, in the heat wave, someone had the audacity to throw an entire thing of crab legs in the can. i hate seafood anyway, but you can imagine...

putting the trash out that day made me feel ill. but i did it. and was grateful that i didn't have to pick it up off the sidewalk.

but on street cleaning day, the 'block captain' was banging on doors like the goddamn police. 'everybody WAKE UP. get outside. grab a broom. it's street cleaning day! WAKE UP!!' every door on both sides of the block. and at some point in that morning, while i was pissed at the noise at 10 am on a saturday, trying to have my peaceful first weekend cup of coffee and writing session, someone stole my garbage cans. the huge one with the recycling sticker. and the nasty one that everyone uses for trash.

i walked the block around the house last night, when everyone was putting trash out, to see if i could spot them. nothing. and today, with aubree in tow, on my way to work at 815, drove the block again, looking. nothing.

sons of bitches. i haven't seen carwash to ask him if he knows who borrowed my shit. but i hope he has an answer, because i don't want to spend $40 to replace them.

maybe i put up a reward sign. take a note from the girls, and offer two forties of old e for anyone who helps my garbage cans find their way home. no questions asked. beer exchanged.

i'm going to attempt to put my ultrafunk out in the trash. maybe it got picked up this morning, from my curb. i don't know that it's going to stay this way. but yesterday was a little bit easier, and despite a rough start, today feels even better.

nina suffered through it with me, getting the play by play. and kit, too. and aubree living with me, seeing it day in and day out, firsthand. i know that she was legitimately scared for me.

the girls just tried to help, and made jokes until it worked, after the hood day feast on sunday.

thank you, real life friends. i'm sorry to have put you through as much as i did. i'm not so great at hiding how i'm feeling, and i know i've been a major bummer to be around lately. but you have all helped me in different ways, and as i start to come out of the fog, i hope we can have more fun and less tearfest hugs. i hate to let people see me cry. really hate it.

and you have all seen more crying than i can remember in a long time this past week solid.

i'm two days tear-free. and i feel a lot better, even if i'm nowhere near 100%. i'll take the little victory...
i wish i could say, 'ALL BETTER, FRIENDS! the spectacle is over.'

but i can't.

i do feel a little bit better today, but i say that with tears stinging my eyes.

reading back through the past weeks of posts, to see where the fuck shit went so goddamn wrong. how quickly i fell from being so smittenly happy, feeling like life couldn't get any better, to feeling like i can't get out of bed.

it was a fast fall. and a hard one. and i'm trying to understand it first, so i can climb up to some point that is in the middle.

reading 'tearsoaked tea' made me cry. it's true. at least today, i made it through a day of work without crying, and made it home after talking to kenna again, too. i'll take it. it feels kinda like a win.

getting a paycheck today is probably what helped. even though i am really overdrawn, if i paid what i have to pay, i handled the important shit, and have to let the mortgage ride a little longer.

it won't be the end of the world if i pay it on the 5th instead of the 1st. if i don't get that rent money, that is what is going to have to happen.

and really? realizing that vacation with nina is 20 and a half days away helped so much, too. i know i have to pull myself together before she gets here. and despite my overwhelming sadness lately, i've been listening to the mixes i made for her on repeat for almost a week now. because they make me happy, and make me think about how much fun we're going to have when we combine forces on phila again.

to have time away from work will be fantastic. by that time, i'll have sucked it up and worked shifts with my arch nemesis, and hopefully worked enough hours to feel like i deserve the break.

the house has been overwhelming me, too. which is no surprise. i'm super aware of how insignificant things fuck with me when i'm depressed. and everything gets lumped in to make me freeze up and not handle any of it.

the gaping hole in the back of my house was seriously one of the most retarded things i've ever done. i let contractor get me stoned, and it seemed like such a great idea at the time. because it was a beautiful day, and all i want is roof access for this summer.

you'd think i'd have figured out the cost associated with it BEFORE ripping the window out and the shitty aluminum siding down. when we sat down the next day and put a $2000 price tag on it, i was pretty upset about it.

and in the months since we've done any work on the house, i have kicked myself several times daily for making that decision. because we could have done so many small things to make the house sellable instead. and didn't. because right then? i never wanted to sell the house. i was super content to be here, living in it.

and now i'm thinking about selling it because of the stress it's causing. i know how stupid that would be. especially in light of the fact that i'd just break even, after paying my parents back and paying off all the debt i have racked up.

but this is what i do. i give up before i even put up a fight.

i'm trying to talk myself out of it. i know better. i just hate feeling stressed and stuck, and a house will do that to you faster than much of anything else.

because i have a little money, even though i really can't justify spending a penny of it, i want chinese food. i don't know why. i'm not hungry. i just want to get it. because i can.

i ate ramen yesterday. before kim and pam did one of the sweetest things they have ever done for me.

they brought the hood to my hood.

they thought of everything. kfc, including biscuits and mashed potatoes and potato wedges (favorite things!), two buckets of chicken. pam made a huge jug of red koolaid (not to be confused with 'cherry' or 'punch'. just RED). she brought not one, but TWO, forties of old english (hol-y shit), and then made this crazy conglomeration of a dessert: choke sandwiches (peanut butter with just a tiny little layer of jelly) on a bed of twist and shouts (fake generic double stuf oreos),

those girls have seen firsthand what the past two weeks has done to me. they saw me smile for the first time on friday morning in a long time, before my plans got canceled, which led to that day-long cryfest.

and this week was just too rough for them to not step in.

so they came over yesterday, forcing me to get out of bed, and making me laugh for hours. bringing all this food over, to play wii with me and aubree. we had stupid amounts of fun.

and at one point, kit called, and i told her enough to get the story out, but not enough to cry. so i was proud of myself for holding it together. because when he left, i shut the door behind him, locked it, and burst into tears.

and then, i was walking upstairs to talk to all of them after a cigarette, and nina asked me a question on yahoo on my phone, and i wrote the answer and started crying, laying down on aubree's bed, hiding my face. and they started yelling at me, 'there's no crying in baseball' and 'you can cry when we leave'. and aubree said that she is the only person who gets to cry on her bed. so we went back downstairs and i pulled myself together and we played some wii bowling and some weird ass dancing game. we looked pretty ridiculous.

and then i had too much old e. and then the happiness wore off and i was tired and super sad again. and went to bed before i cried again.

and that is when it hit me. the last two days and nights, including the time i spent with greg, felt like a BAD TRIP. for three days now, i can't find music i want to listen to. that is the worst thing for me. not being able to feed a mood with music that either helps me wallow or gets me out of it.

i turned music off last night, after trying four different things that were making me feel sick to my stomach. put on 'flight of the conchords'. to have something other than the ceiling fan to stare at. something other than music to hear.

and then it hit me.


i popped one. spent another twenty minutes coming out of my skin, super uncomfortable.

and then? sleep. all night. through until the morning.

why didn't i think of it sooner??

if only i'd thought of it on saturday when neither of us could sleep. his and hers. how romantic. hindsight. now i know.

i don't know what is changing. maybe it's that the intensity of the hormones being dispersed in my body are toning down a little? maybe i feel the slightest relief that is finally allowing me to daydream.

i don't know what it is. but for the first night in a week, i'm not in crisis mode.

maybe in another week, i'll be happy again?

i hope so. i've never understood the not-getting-out-of-bed thing. and i've been lucky to avoid it, for the most part, in my life.

the only way i wanna be stuck in bed for a day is in the good way. i really hope that happens again for me. soon. i could use a reminder... and the pile of mental flashes to get through the next hurdles i have to jump in every other aspect of my life...