now what? october 6th.

so. it is all posted.
well, not all. but most. the stuff i care about.

and now that i got that out of the way, what will i do?
what i'd like to do:
write something brilliant.
what i will do:
think about writing something brilliant.

last night, i was so inspired, but i went to bed instead. and now i'm sorry. because i was thinking of all these tangents i wanted to run with and write about.
and now i can't think of a single one.

even when we're laying together
we're sleeping in different beds
i can't let you in
i can't let you win


like sand through fingers
taken with a grain of salt
even those not capable of love
can end up with broken hearts
words passed across an otherwise empty table
it was all in good fun
that hurt. hurts. is hurting. present tense
too bad i'm not the one holding on to the past
because i'm the one who can tell the difference
all the confusion in the world
couldn't muddle that line
stuck in the past living in the present
dim future. too bad.
not feeding the drama, i'm not very good at pretending
and i don't have to so i won't
you cut me deeper than pretensed
so many mistakes and so many wishes
before something goes away and something comes true
be careful what you wish for.

i want it back.

though i don't regret
i can label a mistake
and i want it back
all of it
all of the fun and
all of the playing
all of the laughing and
all of the smiles
all of the flowers and
all of the butterflies
i want it all back.


you're bitter.
i can hear it in your voice
i bite the bullet and then the lemon
a bad taste fills my mouth
faster than anything
faster than i fell for you
and faster than i left you

i'd sooner tread concrete
than spend this waking moment
sitting here with preconceptions
i might get ANYWHERE faster.

you to me

black to me
will always be
licorice dreams
and candy schemes

blue to me
will always be
ocean freeze
and autumn breeze

violet to me
will always be
hair colorings
and wedding rings

green to me
will always be
spring grass leaves
and loving squeeze

you to me
will always be
perfect dreams
and candle beams

just friends

when we sit so close
and talk so quiet
i could let myself think
you really want to be there

i have to let this end
and it isn't fair
i take it for what it is
no more no less
than just friends

let go of you

i wander off into a dream
you are there, you're everything
the colors come but they will go
the brightest blue turns to black and burns out
the way you are
you are what i don't want
but somehow i can't stop wanting you to rescue me from
my sea of blue, i can still see you
you make me want refreshing new
i let go
let go of you
move on
and move away from you

games people play

wind makes eyes water mixes with tears
because you can't seem to figure out whether you want me
you go out of your way to keep me wondering
and then throw me for loops just to see if i'll hold on
just because i can make you think i'm over you
that doesn't mean that i am

because every time you remind me that it is over
in the same breath you ask if you can hold onto me
you don't want me to be over you yet
but you don't want me to be stuck on you still

make up your mind and stop stringing me along
as long as you keep calling me and kissing me
and telling me you're missing me
i can't go on like this because the way
you're making me feel is largely small

the more i say that you're missing out
the more i start to believe that i am
and i'm frozen blind in the brightest lights
and you're watching from the darkest corner
and i know it isn't right to be feeling this way
and it's all because of the games you play


i'm a little bit out of practice
it's been a while you know
but somehow it will all come rushing back
i know it's only a matter of time

these feelings will become real to me
and everything that was will return
and i will see so clearly again
what it was the first time i saw you

and whatever it was that i had forgotten
it will all come back to me
and whatever it was that i had forgotten
to feel
will rush back in and make me hum

because all the little things
that used to bring me down
are nothing to me anymore
not when you're around

and whatever it was that i had forgotten
it will all come back to me
and whatever it was that i had forgotten
to feel
will rush back in and make me hum

because you alone can make me hum

the next best thing

i wonder for the first time
without thinking about the last time
i can sit somewhere and not be
left to wonder if you're thinking
about me, too.
i think about you all the time
i think about the state i'm in
and the city i'm in
and i'd rather be anywhere but here
as long as i'm there with you

we can escape to this place
and forget about the cold and
the way we aren't really together
it's the next best thing

you make me want to run away
from what i have
it seems so silly so soon in this
speeding start we're off to
but it makes me smile
i'm not afraid

i can say 'i like you
for these endless reasons'
and think about all the ways
you tell me the same

because when i sit here sad that you
can't be sitting here in my company
i know i've got the next best thing

falling in

i'm falling in
i try to swim
but wading can't keep
my head above water

breathing shallow
in deep water
i saw you approaching
you took my breath away

i slip under then
i rise up again
i see you reaching
i stretch out my arm

you take my hand
you lean far back
my hand starts to slip
and i pull you in

we're helpless and drowning
there's no one to help us
no one else is around

we look to each other
your eyes lock with mine
you smile sheepishly
i return feebly

you hold onto my hand
and we drown helpless together
like my brother


i take a step across this line you've drawn for me
and if you think for one minute
that i haven't already had these thoughts
then maybe you weren't thinking at all

it scares me the way it scares you
but at the same time i take comfort in it
maybe the reason we're so afraid to talk about it
is because it's so quick like a movie or a dream
and because it's not familiar to us

we don't know what it feels like
except in stories we've heard
it is what i meant when i said
'i wonder if THIS is what it feels like'

the speed of it is a rush, i don't want to slow it
maybe you're afraid because the closest thing
you felt or had turned around and walked away
but the difference between like and love
is more than a consonant and a vowel
it's taking a chance and crossing the line
that my heart is squirming on
and hoping that you don't try to figure it away

why the words just crossed my screen
i'm just as unsure as you are
of putting a definition on how i feel
and as breathless as you are at the sight
of the words as you form them.

the world outside

ice forms on my window
i think to remind me of
just how cold the outside world can be
i don't want to think about it anymore
i'm pacing maddening circles
in paths around my mind
i can't get out and i can't break through them
if only i could make it all go away
i could go back to normal happy thoughts
about you and me the way we fit so well
the way i sleep so soundly when i'm in your arms
not about paris, fat in a dress
not about the boulder that is becoming my tummy
not about the dizzy from the place that's not your smile

miss stability

a loophole. this heart. these thoughts.
somehow you slipped through.
silent & screaming.
dreaming & weaving.
it seems like you're still leaving
but i've got your number
in my lost and found.

they call me miss stability
even when i'm shaking
they call me miss positivity
even when you make me cry

a broken heart. these songs. these feelings.
you tape lies on my table.
doubtful & swaying.
timid & singing.
and though i may be breathing
i am not the last because
you are tragic & fleeting.
a chain of events like the cigarettes i smoke
that leave me feeling dizzy with a tummy in shambles
with a crush i only hoped i could kick, now over
i keep my chin up and i have officially moved on
from a boy who could bore me to a boy who doesn't
baking in the summer sun, i turn over a new leaf

a life all my own with the lack of another's connections
i'm one bad mood and attitude away from being done
the ears and heart i offered to lend rejected
recognizing loss, not my own for the first time
maybe someday soon the recognition will come
but maybe by then i'll take my intentions elsewhere

somewhat bitter words on a not bitter winter's day
spring skipped straight into summer and i'm warm again
with life blooming around me and winter boys melting
i smile into the sun and smoke into oblivion
warmed with thoughts of summer and water and sun
i think it's about time that i just had some fun.

with the stars in your eyes

with the stars in your eyes and wonder on your face
that only this night could bring. you told me i was beautiful
and it meant so much to me to hold you so close to my heart
for such a short moment in time. i will remember it forever

i could say that the stars were falling in my eyes, with my heart, for you
and you were there with me, so warm and alive and happy
with only a shared blanket, on a boat, under the cartoon sky
you were there with me

and i look at you and see your eyes, look to you and see your smile
i notice that you have the most kissable lips, and want nothing more
it makes me so alone sometimes to imagine you so far away, but i know...
i know that this isn't over, i can see so much more when i let myself
i can see your warmth. i can see your breath.

i can dream that you will never leave, and wake up sad inside
i can wish upon the falling stars with our heads so close together
i can memorize your face and pretend that it could be for me

but something holds me back, and in the sun lit sky it changes
from my love into my friend, in the shadows you created
i want nothing more than your kissable lips and your soul and your eyes and your smile
and all of your complications.

not my home

blue to purple
purple to orange
orange to pink
pink to grey

and it's just another day
and this is just another way
i can't find the words to say
how wonderful you are

this is not where i'm to be
this is not what i should see
the wonder here surrounding me
less amazing than it seems

the sky is on fire it hurts my eyes
and the darkness that surrounds your lies
the hope i've buried alive slowly dies
because i do not belong

this is not my home
these are not my days
but something keeps me here with you
until i have nothing more to say


just leave me alone.
i need to think this through.
i need to analyze
to clear my head.
as grey skies appear
i wish for snow
and solitude.
and i can't even see
the blue of the skies
in your eyes anymore.
thoughts cloud.
you make me crave
my bed all day.
i'm afraid to leave.
i can't dream and
i can't feel your touch.
finger trails fade and disappear.
don't leave.
just stay here with me.
please don't leave me all alone.

weather permitting

weather permitting

if the sun should be shining from the east
and not hidden behind any clouds
so as to light your flawless face just right
you might venture outside

but if it rains with umbrellas misplaced
surely water would destroy
the face you painstakingly painted
and undo countless hours' work

not a single hair wisped from its place
or a single curl untight and limp

your closet lies in your bedroom floor
until an outfit accents every square inch
of your limitless beauty perfection
so that you might go out and be seen

vanity is evil look closely in the mirror
don't let the reflection deceive you
you're not as cute as you think
because vanity is also blind

the evil empire

the evil empire

the rebellion
no allies
a desert troop
and brewing storm
a full circle
its repercussions

and army of one
standing alone
to fight my battle

i can take as much as you can dish
with only one warning attached
a dam can only hold until it breaks
and once broken can't be fixed

so try me.
go ahead...
while i SMILE.

because you can't be my friend if you aren't my friend.

scratch - spark - flame

scratch - spark - flame

i didn't worry when i let my things stay longer than i did
i thought i'd be back to collect someday
i realize my mistakes, and there were many
i wonder if you will box or bag them

i will have no regrets when this ends
i've burned no bridges
you stand there behind your smiling mask
with a match to the strip
scratch - spark - flame
and burn me to the ground

navy blue.

it's going to take more than cigarettes to get over you
more than replacing to forget you
more than driving to get past you
i really wish we could talk about it
because i really don't want this feeling to end

i still look for your car when i pass
i still watch for your car to pass
i still wish for your company
and what about fate?

feet over railroads, kissing for yellow
melting with you. navy blue
is what you left me with
and a fistful of nothing

i choose not to forget
i don't want to want you anymore
but i do
you made me realize that i don't like being alone

then the train comes and
all that is missing is you and a word

well, i've got some words for you:
you're not at all what you seem
i thought you were depth,
but you're a shallow, hollow, heartbreaking fool
and you'll never know
what i could have done for you and
what i would have done for you

the clouds are pretty, and you...
you could make this a night to remember
but you won't
so i don't
my heart in the trees
to be picked up by the wind
and carried away
swept off my feet
i take a deep breath
and stumble inside.


what doesn't hurt now is dead inside.
because the love i thought i could find here...
well, it's moved beyond me now.
and nothing you can do
and nothing you can say
can put it back the way it was.
my love has been misplaced. again.
and how dare you turn your back on me.

all the trust in the world
becomes uninhibited regrets.
feeling sold out and betrayed
by the only one i would never have expected.
because i wanted something all to myself.
and because i knew it before i ever saw.
i can't pick up the phone
because i'm afraid of who will answer
and i can't ask what happened after i left.

heart on a string

i've got my heart on a string
it's dangling in the breeze and
falling with the leaves
and i have to remember
to remind myself
the eggs are in the right basket
and it's a beautiful day for a picnic
with my head in the clouds and
my eyes to the sky
i take a deep breath and
a giant step
into things uncertain
with my eyes closed

parts and pieces

you didn't listen
too few words said
you couldn't fall asleep
in a too big bed

we had all decided
your mind stayed unchanged
we knew that your indifference
was hidden, rearranged

we wanted to be a part of you
but you turned us into pieces

the protector

the protector

when she comes back to you
and you take her back
i don't doubt that she'll hurt you again
your forgiveness and willingness
to work it out will only betray you
in the end
love only hurts when you let it
and if you don't listen i can't help you
if you don't see that i'm only trying
to protect you
then there's nothing more that i can do
and if you don't see that i'm protecting me
then move on, there's nothing more to see here
because this is me and you're you
and that's just what she is.


what scares me most is a visit to talk
when i'm holding you and your hand
and we're crying together
because we're hurting
when it's over you're asleep on my couch
because you're my friend
not in my bed holding me
telling me it's okay
because i'm lying on the floor
watching you sleep fitfully
because she has decided
to make up her mind again
and what she thinks she wants
this time it isn't you
i don't want to be your friend
i want what's in the middle
what we're made of is unshakably strong
honest forgiving patient and
all i want is faith and hope and promise
with you
without her and
without them


when people and places are so predictable that you
could set your clocks by their actions
ideas flash an dbets are placed and that's when
everything changes in the blink of an eye
and the concept of time is shattered when a place
and time are given and nobody shows
eyes drop and hopes fall when the standards are
brushed to the wayside like bad memories
and the ones that linger are not soon enough forgotten
and hover around to serve as reminders

that's when it's time to move on and let change run
its course and wander the road paved
to walk on the wrong side of hte untread paths and
not follow in anyone's footsteps but my own

that is the opportunity that life proposes to you
and should you not utilize, it will move on wihtout you
so take up your courage and take up your ideas
and run with them with your heart in your hands.

save the spiders campaign.

save the spiders campaign.

he asked how i would feel if someone stepped on me
too bad you were not tolerable.
you should have known better than to step on my piece of sidewalk.
rest in peace, little spider,squished under my shoe on the ground.
rest in peace, little spider,as no one bothers to step around you.

1999 a.n.

1999 a.n.

i think about you all the time
ad nauseum
you made my world fall apart
and the stars fell from my sky

i think i will always remember
the look on your face when i found you
and the look on your face as i walked away
and the way that i made it change

you changed me like you said that you would
you showed me your idea of a good time
we stared at the night sky once or twice together
ad nauseum

i know i will always remember
the way i smiled when you entered the room
and way that you smiled cold under the moon
and the way that i let that change me

leave me alone.

leave me alone.

i didn't ever want to see you again
because i knew it wouldn't be over when i did
and it isn't

because when you look at me and smile
your words are weighed and sinking in
long after you leave the room
when i'm left alone to think

through the door i catch a glimpse of you
as you turn to leave
and wish for you to come rushing back
but heel to toe you spin from me

your eyes and smile fade like twilight
and my eyes close and bring to me
the dream where you won't ever leave
the dream where you won't leave me alone

just by my side.

i wonder could we drive interstate 10
from st augustine to san francisco
maybe go someplace in between
see the canyons setting in your eyes
i couldn't pay enough for that memory

i've done it once and i'll ask you again
don't you think we could begin
to live our lives without question or regret
instead of wandering about our days
wondering when our time will come

i'm tired of being alone, daydreaming
i want to see this through with you
in my car just by my side
seeing the world through my windows
and talking across state lines

could i borrow you just for a while
steal you away with me please
i promise i won't let you down
we'd have fun
and i'd make it worth your while

so come away from here with me
don't think twice, just get in
we can laugh and smile and speak
we could start all over again
only this time
i promise i won't let you down.
he's in denial, and it was me.
and it was killing me.
but it's not anymore.
she's here in her head
but you'll never know.
and you'll never know me
as well as you could have.
because it's always your loss.
and these are always about you.
and you'll never know.


it's strange to sit and think and dream to a year ago
the feelings all come back because they never fully went away
and i wonder if i could win his heart the second time around
if i came from a different angle and at a slower speed

because i miss the connection i felt with him
the way we would talk without saying a word
the way he always knew when to say goodnight
the way he completed the circuit of my heart

the feelings flowed so naturally from me to him
and the invitations flowed so freely from his mouth
and the timing was always right until a question
and an answer based on a glimmer of hope
that brought it all crashing down

i miss those days, the way he made me float
i miss those nights talking and listening until dawn
i miss those weeks losing track of time
i miss those stars, the ones that moved for us

and to this day, one year later
i still see those signs
and i still think he was my perfect boy then
and i wonder if he's changed
and if he remembers that i was perfect for him, too

because after all the things he put me through
and all the things i might have made him feel
i'd still do it all again, just to feel again
because i haven't felt that way since
and i don't think i ever will again


they catch no fish
i catch cold in my fist
clenched tight in the breeze
barefoot in the trees i scream
for you to find your way to me

will this ever end?
or begin again?
like it always does
i want to start over, but
california's too far and
i'm too close to home
and anything i've ever known
i don't want to wait
adn i can't afford not to

she wonders what inspires me
and i couldn't say you
the things you do
the things you did
i couldn't write enough
but now it's too much
and my day is done,
as i am,
with you

it isn't me

he's everywhere but here with me
where i want for him to be
i liked his arm on my shoulder
i liked his palm on my knee
i want him to stop
not pass repeatedly
third girl he's with tonight
and it isn't me
it's just me

backwards questioning

you make me backwards questioning
it all feels so familiar to me
looking up at a shimmering sky
that i miss seeing with you

you could never bore me talking math
i'd find something to interest me
watching me across the same old room
telling me what you dream to be

one day i won't care anymore
that we'll never see the world together
one day i won't care anymore
that we don't talk at all

but that day is not today
so i will just think and stay
because i can see you from the corner of my eye
and it doesn't change a thing

wrong to you

i wonder do you sit and think about me
as much or more than i sit and think about you
is it a waste of my time to sit here
and wonder if you are sitting there thinking of me

why does it seem that i'm always a minute too late
when it's the seconds i'm secretly counting
and why do i always lose someone
when they're following so closely without my knowing

if timing is key, the hands are frozen here
and i wonder if i can put them back into motion
and find true happiness again
happiness in aloneness but wanting to be with you

because every time i think of you
my head hurts and my heart hurts
and my hands hurt from trying to hold on
to the memories that fade too fast

i wonder do you remember the same as me
in the same way with the same feeling inside tugging
because if you do, i can rest easy
knowing that everything happens for a reason

you are more than something that happened to me
but i keep finding that you are reduced to that
wanting to feel so much more so freely
and feeling that more is somehow wrong to you

every waking moment

i'm nail biting nervous again.
this time it might be okay.
i wait for him to say the words
that could send this happy new world
crashing down.
but i don't think he will.
because this time it's our kitchen.
and he's been feeling, too.
he doesn't have to think to feel
and it's scaring him.
i plan thanksgiving
and scare myself.
he's inside me, every thought.
and brings me with him where he goes.
toward a common ground
where communication and feeling
are the only requirements.
and he is beautiful.
and i feel myself caring more
with every waking moment.
and want it more
every waking moment.

deep discount.

deep discount.

i write your name a thousand times
and wonder where you are
i write a letter and with one click
the damage has been done

irreversible things i wrote to you
and they always leave me feeling the same way
i always wish i could take them back
or stop to think one second earlier
to think better of putting anything in writing

but for someone who never runs
out of foolish things to say
it somehow makes things easier
just knowing that i was honest
and if you're still too much the coward
then your eyes are undeserving

but i have a heart and thoughts you know
the ones you so freely discounted
at least i can sleep at night
knowing i've done what i had to do
because the things that i have said to you
mean more to me than the paper they're on

summer heat

i am driving in the summer heat heat heat
imagining that i am anywhere but here
the wind shifts
and the rain comes
and the lightning moves
from cloud to cloud
i remember where i am
and where i'm going
and where i've been

i don't like that i come back to you
but i could go on forever this way
here i sit cross legged and driving
right back to the place i started from

raindrops leave snail trails on windows
mixing with the dust in my trail
lightning makes treetops in the sky
i'm stuck here alone with only words
saying i told you so, i told you so
blazing onward with a vengeance
to you and to my hometown


sometimes i wonder what it would take
to make you fall in love with me
sometimes i say your name with mine
to see how it would sound
i can close my eyes and find
that path into your heart
i can move my lips and
mouth the things i could never say

why is there a feeling surrounding me
making me think that this isn't done?
why is it that she can say anything
and be accepted and understood

why can't you call me and tell me that you miss me?
why can't you think of me when you lay awake at night?
why can't you pull me aside and tell me how you feel?

it is with a heavy heart that i sit and wait for you.

because i can cling to fatalist thoughts
because i can tear my dreams apart.
because i can take anything you say the wrong way
because i want to.


maybe you remember
a night when you asked me
if i could burn your heartl
and i swore i never would
because you wouldn't break mine.

the tables are turning now.
you're starting to.
i don't want to get down about it,
but you'd better not keep it up.
or i'll give up.
and you'll be the one who misses out.
and i'll be wating my time
not thinking about you anymore.
and trying to convince myself
that i'm not the one who's missing out.
i won't be sorry
and i won't regret.

you were supposed to be my friend.
i didn't want to have to think
about getting over you just yet.
and it's all because i don't want to be
waiting for you at the end of a line.
not that you're not worth waiting for

i'm tired.
my head left me for a minute.
i can't hold my chin up.
not like you, last night,
it was all downhill from there.
time to fly
away from here
so far away from you.
because i know it's not worth it.

hey. you know what?
you're with her now.
i was trying to make you into
someone that i thought you were.
she can be on that side of your table
but i will never be yours again.
and i'm not sorry.
in fact, i wouldn't change a thing.

i mean,
it's all so perfect.
a life without you in terms of forever.
it would all be so different.
but i'm not.
and she watches you better than
the way that i used to.
and it isn't phasing me.
i mean,
it's perfect.

q & a

q: here did you think i'd be?
a: where the caffeine is.

because even when you're far from me
i still feel you and think i see
the part of you that's part of me

because sometimes when the inspiration is gone
your memory still lingers on
breathing life into the things i've done.


a lump
like the one in my throat
that keeps me from saying
how i really feel
like the one in my heart
that makes me feel lonely
like the one in my soul
that is the corpse of
the feelings i've buried there
like the one in my shoe
that keeps finding my comfort
and sitting square in it
like the one i see
when i look in your eyes
that leaves me feeling
cold inside
realized only because
the opposite of each
is what was truth to me

whirr shudder grind

whirr shudder grind
soilent dirt of my life
steeps and flavor grows
the final plateau
it succeeds snickers
laughs and incense burns
happy smiles for miles
down and up
and back again

first. october 5th.

this is a kindof exciting. i've been thinking about doing this for a long time...

thanks to a new friend, and some inspiration from a few different sources, i am finally ready.

i have been trying to find a way to post my poetry in digital format, and thought this might just do the trick.

my writing posted publicly scares me a *little*, but i'm throwing caution to the wind.

ready? go...