reason #111 to move home. july 17th.

it's probably a bad idea to write angry.

it's probably also not as bad as it seems, because i'm also pms'ing.

and there's something to be said for that moment when everything stops moving around you. and you realize you're standing still. and suddenly, very alone.

maybe i'm not good at being alone. maybe it's smart that i'm too afraid to go out by myself.

a girl got murdered for her bike in the place i want to go to, after all. only a few weeks ago, at that.

but i can't help feeling mostly sorry for myself.

i looked forward to tonight since last saturday. all week. i made it through long shifts and shit tips, just to get to tonight.

and i had two people lined up to go with me, to ensure that i didn't end up where i am now.

and neither are going. so i am home alone. how i used to be on fridays, before i stopped getting my hopes up when people made plans with me.

i'm all dressed up. full-on makeup, which is a rarity. i even did my eyeliner the way kit taught me to. she'd have been proud.

perfume, too.

i smell good.

and no one is here to smell me. or compliment me. and i'm not going anywhere other than my stoop.

this is for the best.

i already know.

stupid intern didn't bother to text me or be in touch in any fashion. and i'm too chickenshit to bug him yet again.

because it's too soon.

last week was so great. but it was just last week.

and it makes me miss nina something fierce.

i was sitting on my stoop writing in paper journal a minute ago.

and i wrote that this is why i should move home.

a perfect storm of sorts.

one part hormones. combined with burning my dinner in my piece of shit oven. in my apartment that i hate still, even though the sentiment wanes from time to time. at the end of the day, it still sucks, landlord creeps me the fuck out, and i can't bake here, which is killing my soul.

i hate this apartment.

i hate when my plans get canceled.

i hate when i'm not strong enough to do things on my own, because i spend time being pissed off at everyone else, instead of myself.

really, this should serve to prove a point to me. i'm not happy being alone yet. and maybe i won't ever be.

i do such a great job of staying busy all the time. and then when i am not busy, and alone, on the weekend, it's a recipe for disaster. all week long, if i am alone, i'm fine.

but saturday night? that is not fine.

part of me wants to go to see robbie. because i have a pretty good idea of where he is. and i have been missing him lately, and have had a hard time pinning him down.

even if i rode all over the city, picking up pastries and dropping shit off in the passenger seat of his van. it would be more fun than this.

it also makes me think that i need to make more friends. because i shouldn't have two girl friends and an intern to choose from, when i'm thinking about going out. but i don't know if i should even bother, because on days like this, i just want to pack my shit and go home.

i talked to kenna this week about moving home.

she said she felt every single thing that i feel. and rattled off a list of things she also felt, that i am also feeling. it's common, i guess.

to want simplicity, and comfort, and familiarity. and family.

and people who knew you before you were defined as a wife. who have known you all along. or who knew you before, and recognize you now. after the part in the middle where you lost yourself, when new people were just getting to know you.

chalk offered to fly up and take me to the movies yesterday.

it kinda freaked me out a bit. but if i'd said yes, i'd be watching inception in a theater, and then come home to make out and other things that sometimes follow dinner and a movie.

and right now, that sounds like it might have been the right answer.

but instead, what i ended up doing was watching one of my favorite movies and having a cry.

i tried to make other plans, and it just didn't happen.

so i watched 'dream for an insomniac'. AGAIN.

i made myself watch it, because in my little daydream yesterday, i was having a certain boy over, and thought it would be a cute movie to show someone who has a romantic notion of how it would be to work in a coffee shop.

plus, there's lots of awkward kissing, so it might take the edge off. you know.

but just because i'd thought that, in some rare situation where planets and stars align and he showed up at my apartment tonight, i'd be watching it with him, it seemed all the more fitting that i should be alone. completely and utterly lonely style alone. and watch it alone.

next up: heima.

i don't know. that one will be a tough one.

i have so many desires attached to that movie. and watching this movie tonight reminded me of why i love it so much.

think what i want, say what i want, do what i want about coffee... the thing remains. and though i'm not fixated and obsessing on it, it will always be there. any time i ever see him, i will feel something.

even if i don't want to. even if i tell myself for the next six months that i won't.

because i don't want to anymore. i want to be done with it. and despite that, i know it is going to take a while to get used to the idea that there's just nothing there for him.

i was just one girl of a hundred. so flooded with girls that he thought he kissed me, even though he didn't.

i mean, come ON. sure, there are boys that i can't remember if i kissed. but none of them made me feel the way he did at the time. and i guess that, if he felt that way toward me, he'd at least remember.

but instead, i'm forgettable. i was a blip. i didn't make a mark. no impression. i mean, he has memories. but they're generalities.

and i guess it hurts to think that all these years, i was just waiting for him and pining for him. and hoping that he was pining for me.

and by the time i have the balls to ask, he has settled into a little love nest with some chick twelve years younger than him. and i can't do anything about it. my hands were tied, and not in a good way.

no awkward kissing. i couldn't.

but it would've been worse if i had. at least this way, we're friends, like we've always been in his mind.

and it's going to take a while to get over the fact that i just wasn't what he is to me, to him. it wasn't there. it wasn't special.

i was a flavor of the month. in the girl of the month club.

and suddenly, all those words i wrote back then? they're pretty fitting. because all this time later? i still feel the same way.

i mean, the core of those emotions, the rawness of it, that's all faded away. but in the end, i was right then. because he never once thought that i was the one that got away.

thinking about the two of them is rough, too. i kinda can't help it. i mean, she is the reason why things went so differently. if he wasn't with her, i'd have stopped at nothing.

but because he was and is, i have to leave it alone. and in a way, part with those thoughts and feelings.

he's not the one that got away.

he's just the one that faded away.

and before, all i felt was anger.

i guess it takes one of my favorite movies to start the part where i just feel really really sad about it.

about him.

and i hope it is okay to start this process now.

this is what happens when i'm alone.

the laughter stops. everyone goes home. i have a beer.

and then i'm left with what i've been hiding from, running from, distracting myself from.

and in the end, it is coffee.

i'm left with coffee. or without coffee, rather.

know what i did today? i erased the texts we sent back and forth when i was home. because when i got them, there was so much promise.

know what i did yesterday? i erased the message he left for me when i missed his call. the one where he sounded excited and smiley in his voice. because, again, it was before. and i was reading it all wrong.

it's not that it wasn't there. it is just that it's always there. it wasn't there for me, specifically.

and now i know.

and now i smoke.

and now i sleep. sleep it off.

start over tomorrow.

bring your intern to work day. july 14th.

kit named this post, inadvertently.

it's making me sick.

this is a little thing known as transference. being perfectly aware of this fact doesn't curb it. not in the least.

so that night out, intern and i spent a chunk of time talking.

i kept it professional in the beginning, talking to him about work. money, job requirements, opportunities.

it was fine. he knew that he had to crunch some numbers to see if it all pans out for him to give up a great paying job to have a cake job.

so then a song came on. i don't remember which one now, but i made the move to go dance and he followed suit.

and now it's fuzzy, but at another point, we sat talking about life and relationships. i must have talked to him for thirty minutes.

i had positioned myself back in the days of his internship to help him find a nice girl to make his girlfriend.

and even though i don't want to be his girlfriend, i kinda like being in the spot i'm in now.

i asked him what his type is. what he looks for in a girl.

and he did say at one point that i was making him feel awkward, in asking all these questions. blonde or brunette? skinny or thick or something in between?

he said that physicality doesn't factor in too much. it's not about what the person looks like. that he likes nerdy girls, who are smart, and are as into music as he is.

i try not to take it as flirting, because i highly doubt he was intentionally describing me. but i am those things.

and he said something about not having had sex for about a year.

and i called him out, because he'd bragged to me about going home with a girl who had a boyfriend back in intern days.

but he denied it.

it's impossible that he hasn't had sex in a year. i don't know why he'd lie about it.

and it would have been so easy for me to simply say, 'it's been years since i had good sex, and five months since i had any... and? i can help you with that.'

he was probably drunk enough. but i wasn't. not even close.

i don't remember what else we talked about. but i know that i sat with my shoulder touching his. and i know i touched him quite a bit that night. his back, mostly.

it's a good back.

i don't know what it is about him that i'm so drawn to.

i mean, he's hot. but is that really it?

all this fallout from imagining sparks with coffee has knocked me upside the head. it makes me question and doubt any thing i think i feel or see.

surely this is all in my head. surely he isn't flirting with me.

aquarian boys never go for me. every single one i've pursued has ended in, 'you're really sweet, but it is just not there.'

and i wish i could drop this. but i won't. i already know.

i won't drop it until i try to kiss him and he won't kiss back. or gets up and leaves, never to speak to me again.

so the day that i brought him to work.

i picked kit up to ride in with me, because it was rainy off and on, and she's on my way. so we rode together to the train station to grab him.

and he was standing on the corner, waiting. i pulled off and he kinda ran to the car to get in.

we drove to the shop and dropped kit off. she was grinning when she got out of the car, and he said he'd ride with me to the parking spot i was going to try to find.

she was out, and he just sat in the back seat.

so i said, 'this isn't driving miss daisy. you're going to have to get in the front seat now.'

i laughed, but thought, 'really?' he's completely clueless.

so he got in the front seat, and i showed him the other store, and where all the places are to try to park in the case that he ever drove himself to work there.

and i had on dark sky mix. because i love it, but also on purpose.

and he asked who one of the songs was. and it was cursive.

and he said, 'oh! that's why i recognize it. i just heard this album for the first time yesterday.'

and i had to smile. because i do like when things like that happen. he said that the album was really good. and i told him i know.

and then we parked and walked.

and my first clue that his expectations might have been set too high was when he asked if all the shops were in hospitals.

and that was where the good stuff ended.

he was so excited. he wants a coffee job. and besides letting me get him drunk last saturday at the club, he didn't even have to apply for it.

it was just handed to him, as i imagine things are for a boy as cute and nice as he is.

and when we got there, he made an iced coffee and watched pam and i work through the first rush.

and as the trial shift wore on, he seemed to like it less and less.

and at one point, he said that we work a lot. or work hard. something to that effect.

i could tell that his romanticized idea of working in a coffee shop was not at all what he found himself in. it's the difference between a coffee house and a coffee shop. he expected a house, despite my telling him that it was a shop.

and after four hours, and a shared lunch break, he actually said, 'thanks for the opportunity.'

and i knew he'd never be back there again.

at lunch, i took him to the lunch truck outside the store, and he bummed a smoke from me while we walked and ordered and waited.

i was smoking my lucky, thinking about how unlucky this all was.

and i don't remember if he brought it up or if i did, but i talked about moving home, and the fact that it's hard to do any job for seven years. that i feel myself burning out on it.

and that type of place he'd want to work is probably more what i want for myself, not any of the stores i work in.

he asked if i was really leaving and moving home in a year. and i said that i didn't know. that it's too soon to tell.

and he had that pensive frown on his face. which i also didn't try to read into, but found it sweet anyway.

that all i want is to sell the house, and move home next may. work in a job like blakesly does so that i can live anywhere, and it won't matter, because i'll be traveling all the time and making really good money.

that i want to take the house money and start the bar/cafe that i've always wanted.

i said something about things getting weird in phila, and that it will take some time for things to calm down and settle in. i was referring to ever and the divorce, and he knew it, but i didn't specify, because i didn't have to. he said 'yeah', or something to that effect.

so we went back and ate our food. and right after that, he said he wasn't going to stick around to learn the close.

so i told him that i want him to work a trial shift at the other store, because i can pay him a little more to work there, he'd make more in tips, it's closer to where he lives, and because it's very quiet there, and more like what he was expecting.

and he said he'd crunch numbers and call me. right after he left, i texted him to say that i think he should go to the other store to check it out, not work a shift there. just watch and talk to cat about it, and hang out for a minute to see what it's like. but i think the earlier hours scared him off. or just working with me in general.

but he didn't get in touch with me after that, except to tell me his birthday, and tell me he'd get in touch with me later, that he's been working like crazy at his current job.

but he didn't get in touch with me later.

i'm sure that he's glad he only wasted part of a day off, and spent like $15 between train fare and food, to figure out that i work harder than he thought, that he doesn't want to work that hard, and that a corporate-ish coffee shop isn't where he wants to work.

and maybe that cigarette was lucky, because it was really bothering me that i was about to hire the only boy in the whole city that i want to sleep with.

he went from boy toy, to employ toy, back to boy toy in four and a half short hours.

and despite the fact that i'd love to watch him make coffee for hours every day, i can look myself in the mirror, because i won't get to.

life after vacation. july 12th.

i guess the things that i feel today are mostly physical.

i woke up dried out. i took nina to the airport, and cried a little leaving her at the security checkpoint. it felt like sending a kid off on their first flight alone.

and walking to the car, i was a little shellshocked. no one was following me. no one was next to me. no one was talking to me.

i was alone. for real.

and i got in my car, and cranked sufjan stevens. and drove to work, even though all i wanted at that point was to get in bed and pass out.

i went to work and ran around for a couple hours, more telling stories of my misadventures than anything work related. i'd scheduled myself off, to recover. but like an idiot who has gotten too far behind, i ended up working anyway.

and making my trip to delaware, because it was the only day to do it.

it was good for a lot of reasons.

being alone in my car with my dark sky mix was perfect.

really loud. just me singing at the top of my squeaky-voiced lungs.

but that thing happened again, as it will for the rest of my life. one thing changes and everything loses its old meaning, and has new meaning.

and it makes my stomach sick. i had an almond croissant for breakfast. but really thought i'd throw up if i tried to eat anything else.

all because of intern.

all because of transference.

all because coffee did nothing, which in turn means that he felt nothing. and probably never did, or else he would have had something - anything - to say to me.

it wasn't like i was professing my love to him. but he was looking for a way out of that conversation, and laughing and hmm'ing and haw'ing served its purpose. i couldn't respond and he didn't have to.

and just like when i was home and listening to the mix, every song was so perfectly descriptive of how i was feeling toward him, now that it's all over and said and done with, i'm having the exact same feelings about the way the mix applies to intern.

it's funny. i'd have to go back and read to know how much i've ever written about intern.

but since going home, and deciding that i really want to sleep with this boy, it is all i can think about.

and since coffee is no longer there to distract me, it's all intern all the time.

and since i feel nothing toward coffee anymore, at this moment in time (i'm not so dumb to think that this is actually really over with him), it is only fitting that i select the next boy to be fixated on.

only this is healthier. i thought coffee was my soulmate long lost love of my life one that got away.

intern is simply the boy i want in my bed.

i remember the day that i met him. ever had described him to me as being bro'd out. as in, fraternity.

and the day i met him, i smiled. he was incredibly cute, and the fact that it was my job description to work hand-in-hand with the interns pretty much made my day. ever had picked a girl intern before that, hence his nickname.

and she drove me up a fucking wall.

but this new flesh, he was nice to look at, and he giggled. which is something that makes me swoon. something that i write about pretty often.

so it began. a big fat crush on the intern who worked for my husband.

and a few months later, i started chatting with nina about this overwhelming desire i was having to shove him into a closet and pin him against the wall and make out with him. among other things that came into mind further down the line.

and i had opportunity. ever trusted me completely, and in hindsight, i could be trusted completely. because i squashed every urge in my body to let him in the door when ever left me alone to work with him, and attack him.

i don't know when it was that he started working with us.

but i was starting to have issues with ever. and as shitty as it is, the last few months of bad sex with ever was only helped by me thinking of him while things were shaking out.

i'd close my eyes and just pretend that it was him. because he was the only person that could turn me on, in my mind.

even coffee didn't do that for me. sure, i wanted to kiss him. and roll around in bed with him. but intern was different. i wanted intern to pick me up and carry me to bed.

god. all this soft porn. it's so prevalent in my current walking state, and i guess it's seeping into my writing as well.

i can't stop thinking about it.

and telling the back story now is kindof killing me a little. i am writing a mile a minute, and wishing for him to just come over. right now. because it could happen.




anyway, so there was this one day at the house. when ever and i were together, but arguing more, it was toward the end. and intern and i were in the room together, and ever left the room. and i looked at him, and rolled my eyes, and said under my breath, 'i'm running away.'

and do you know what he said? he said, 'take me with you.'

and that sealed it for me.

from that day forward, i thought that maybe i wasn't crazy. that if i had the balls and a lack of moral obligation to my marriage, and pushed him into a closet in the house, that he would know exactly what to do to me.

with me. to me. for me.

and i, for him.

but i squashed it down instead. and because ever kinda couldn't stand him, he started doing things to make him look stupid. it was a running thing that intern wanted a girlfriend, and was having an impossible time finding a girl to be with. that he had only ever dated chicks who were literally certifiably crazy, and that it was a pattern with him.

i'd offered at the time to be his wingman. saying that having a drink with a married lady would probably work to attract girls to him. like street cred or something.

ever gave me the shittiest confused look. he didn't get what i was trying to say at all. needless to say, i never got that drink.

and then a little while after that, ever did the meanest thing. he got a friend, a girl, to come over, posing as a rep from an online dating service. he told intern that he'd paid for his membership, out of gratitude for the work he'd done for us. and so she came over after creating this entire interview, with all these fucked up questions. would you date a midget, would you date an amputee, would you date a transgendered person. stuff like that, after a slew of 'normal' questions.

anyway, he staged this whole thing, and the day it was going to happen, he told me about it. he'd been planning with this girl for a long time, and never mentioned it to me.

and so intern was in this awkward situation, and i wasn't around for the majority of it.

they made him sit on the couch and take pictures for the 'website'. and let me tell you how many times i stared at those pictures after they were uploaded onto our computer. he was so freaked out, and looked effortlessly hot. mmm.

anyway, so they had a three part plan. the next part involved him making a video taped interview, telling what he was into, what he looked for in a girl, typical stuff like that.

and ever had it all set to happen, date scheduled, everyone on board. and when he told me about it, i couldn't watch intern fall for it.

partially because i am so gullible. and partially because he's really nice, and he'd been doing all this unpaid work for us for months. mostly because i was totally hot for him, and hated ever for being such a huge dick to him. an ingrate bastard.

so after intern left that initial interview day, ever told me his plan about the video. how he was going to make it the splash page on his new company website, just to embarrass intern. like a hazing, only he'd been around for months.

and it was then that i decided to derail his plan.

the next time that intern was over, he'd ridden his bike an hour to our house. and when he was ready to go home, it was pouring rain. he decided to take the train home. i offered to drive him to the train station a few blocks away.

the rain stopped and started and stopped. but he let me drive him. i told ever i'd be right back, he was in the middle of something, and was actually grateful that i was dropping him off so he didn't have to.

and my belly was tossing and turning. part of me wanted to just kiss him in the car right then and there, hair dripping wet. but i didn't.

instead, i started the car and made the temperature comfortable, because we were wet from the rain.

and i said, 'i have a confession.'

be very clear: i had chosen my words carefully. i wanted him to react to my saying those words. i'd planned out what i was going to say about the biggest practical joke that ever had tried to pull off in his life.

but i wanted him to think for a second that i was about to profess the desire to him.

and he totally did.

he said, 'oh god...'

and i waited a second. and smiled.

and told him about ever's joke. and that i just couldn't watch ever be mean to him. and that i wanted to help him figure out a way to get back at ever. and that he could never tell ever that i had tipped him off.

he promised he wouldn't.

and shortly after that, ever dropped the part of the plan about the video interview on the website.

i essentially talked him out of it.

guilted him about being so mean to a nice guy who had been giving us hours of his time in exchange for a grade in a college course internship.

and when it came time to grade him, ever told me to give him all b's, basically.

and i fought for him. and allowed only one b on the non-final grade. and all a's on his final grades.

ever hated him. and i think it was because he knew that i liked him. probably that i liked him a little too much.

i'm a very obvious person. i don't try to hide anything from anyone. and my body language speaks volumes.

too bad intern is too young to pick up on it just yet.

i told intern about the divorce. i told him right after we'd decided it. because he was going to be in a place where ever was going to be. and i wanted to be the one to tell him. and so we chatted about it for a while. and he was completely shocked.

and i can't express the way it made me feel to be the one to tell him, first of anyone i'd consider to be a casual friend/acquaintance, that forever with ever was over. and in my own crafty way, to plant a seed of availability in his brain.

so back to present day.

i didn't see him at the house after that. his internship with us ended, and he only went to the house once after that. and once after i moved out, when i was home telling my family that we were getting a divorce back in march.

i wouldn't have known, but i saw pictures before ever unfriended me on fb.

still wasn't present day.

and neither is this.

last weekend, we were chatting. he was bitching about his shitty job and how he hates it. and i said that he should just look for a new one. that i'd help him. and then mentioned that i am hiring.

and he was so excited. he wanted to come to work for a day and see what he thought about it.

and i went through all of these moral dilemmas. could i really sleep with someone after hiring them, despite the fact that i'd been dying to do it with him for months and months?

could i really do it, knowing that somehow, because i'm such a horrible liar/hider, my employees would know that i'm sleeping with him.

i'd made the mistake of talking about how hot i thought he was at work a while back. not knowing that it would ever possibly come back to bite me in the ass.

like right now.

i'll pick this story up on a different post.

the point of this post was to say that, post dropping nina off, post talking about vacation at work, i was all alone in my car for a few hours. driving. listening to music. completely crushed out on intern.

very aware that it's just the most recent distraction. very aware that if something had gone differently with coffee, i'd probably not even be giving a fuck about sex with intern right now.

but because coffee left me numb, and because chalk made me want to have sex, all i can think about, all day every day, is how badly i want to have sex with intern.

and that is why asking him dancing last weekend was such a big deal. and why getting him drunk intentionally was such a big deal. why i grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the bar to buy him a third beer.

how i circled him on the dance floor, running my hand over his stomach to his back as i danced around him.

how i acted like i didn't give a shit when he was giving his number to girls when the lights came on.

and why i didn't cry when he wouldn't come to our little 'slumber party' back at my place at four am after we left the club.

it's just sex. i'm not in love. i do not want to date this boy. i mean, i'd go out places with him. but there is no romanticism here.

it is purely physical.

this is my new kick.

i'm feeling ways that i never thought possible.

i can now see that i can do this. and maybe in three months from now if i cry over him, you can show me this post, where and when i went so horribly wrong in my logic.

that i could separate my heart from wanting sex with him.

it remains to be seen.

mostly i'm afraid of being rejected, because of all the things i took away from coffee conversation, the fact that he said nothing back was the biggest diss of all.

i know i'm heartbroken. and maybe this is just the guy reaction. fuck it out. rebound. get over the divorce and the coffee heartbreak in one fell swoop.

fuck intern. and then stop. and then move on.

fuck him until the second six months of non-relationship time is over. then see if there's anything other than physical attraction there on either side.

i don't think he knows that i want him. i don't think he will, until i'm coming at him like a spider monkey.


but nina hit the nail on the head earlier.

in regards to body language, and how obvious i feel i'm making it, and how dumb he is in that regard, and not picking up on it at all, nina said something about being perfect for mounting. that he'll get the idea when that happens.

cracking up. and signing off. indulging the intern mindset was a tough pill to swallow. i have avoided it for a long time.

but now, it's friday night.

and now, we'll just see what he has going on this weekend.

and we'll just see if i finally try walking on the side of the street that so many people walk down every day. and then, we'll see if i like it.

or if i have to find the next target for this desire.

i don't know... this one has been brewing for too long.

i think i'll just try to stick to him for a while. if i can survive it.

nina's phila adventure. july 8th - 12th.

i have half a voice.

i'm putting some weight back on. it seems the stress of talking to coffee was the only appetite suppressant i had. once it was over, i could eat again.

after chalk-ified nightswimming, nina and i got to sleep in. mom made us belgian waffles from scratch, and we talked a little.

i smoked one last cigarette, pacing around the pool. saying goodbye to my home, the pool, and vacation in general.

we thought we'd have a lot of time to kill because our flight was later than i had originally thought, but i was tired and spaced out, and packing everything to fly back was nearly impossible.

i knew i'd forget stuff, and the list is up to i think five items now. i'm still waiting for a package from mom.

i wasn't kidding when i said that nina was the only thing that could get me on that plane. just how i'd planned kit's arrival accidentally-perfectly to coincide with non-date night morning after, i'd planned nina's joining me for the flight back even better.

when aubree left on the morning of the seventh, i didn't cry in saying goodbye. i have cried too hard too many times saying goodbye to her to let it ruin the end of another visit. we now just talk about when we'll hang out next, and try not to be sad.

i didn't cry until the door clicked shut behind her. returning to her life at the university, far from me and my drama. in the thick of her own.

so it was with my mother. she pulled into departures and opened the trunk. we pulled our luggage out of the trunk, and i gave her a kiss goodbye and a hug and said i'd see her in a couple months, if possible.

and that i'd be home soon.

and with that, she drove away. i didn't cry. we smoked a last cigarette before the flight. and ran around in search of crocs until we had to race to the flight.

we got on, and sat down, digging in suitcases for the perfect blend of things we needed: ipod and headphones with splitters, travels scrabs, books, paper and pen.

she had a bloody mary and i had a beer. we listened to thao as soon as we were allowed, and i was able to calm her when the plane made funny noises and steep inclines and sudden drops. normally these things make me sick and panicky. but telling her it was normal made me feel like it was normal. because it was.

and we played words that were too fitting. and then started a game of phonetic scrabble, later to become known as bullshit scrabble. if you can use it in a sentence, it's a word. without bingo bonuses.

it was fun.

and then i started to get excited to show her my city.

it was a lucky thing. i was dreading the end of my vacation. i was dreading the return to the city that i called home until i was landing.

kit picked us up and dropped us off to go bowling. we went to the bar that is five doors down from my apartment. we had delicious food and pbr. and her phila adventure began with a bang. the food was fantastic. i had a burger, she had fish tacos. the thought made me want to throw up, but i tried them. and they were really very good.

we left from there to settle into my apartment and made plans with our friend from middle school/high school who lives two hours south of phila. and then went to visit alice on our way to meeting him. i had a feeling she wouldn't make it out that night, and that this was nina's only chance to meet her. so we went by and talked only for a cigarette or two. and then headed to the drag show.

mike showed up not too long after, and we spent hours drinking cheap pbr and catching up on married life with kids, for the two of them, and my divorce. we drank, we laughed, we smoked. it was great.

the drag show was awesome. we fed the ladies singles for a couple hours, and then it was late. and we were hungry. and in search of a change of scenery before sending mike off.

it was two am, and a small miracle that a falafel hookah bar was open. so we ordered three falafel pitas and drank water. stuffed, and exhausted, we returned to his truck parked conveniently near the bar, and he drove us home. he took off and we crashed.

so began my struggles with money. when i was home, i paid mom and dad back for the divorce loan of $900. i gave them two checks, but no one cashed the bigger one. i was spending money like i had it to spend. i've been on this kick lately, thinking that i have more money than i have. i borrowed $125 from mom to buy clothes, because i thought i'd forgotten my credit card. it turned out i had it the whole time.

but i found out too late. and had they cashed the check, it would have bounced. the day nina left, i called and told mom not to deposit it. it sucked. i didn't want to have to make that call. i thought i could borrow from somewhere and put it back to clear the check. but i told her today that i need until tuesday. turned out my vacation was more expensive than i had anticipated. i spent money i didn't have on clothes that i didn't need. and shopping with nina is addictive, and rubs off. so the spree continued when we made our way back to phila.

friday was the phillies game.

it was a crazy start, but ended incredibly. we got there late. this is also a new trend with me lately. one that i'm really not at all fond of. i get really stressed when i'm running late, even if it's only for my own deadline.

we arrived in the fifth inning, after getting food and beer. the phils were down by six, and all hope was lost. the stadium was silent, which i've never heard before. it was awful. what we didn't know going into the game was that it was a fireworks night. a fifteen minute display, we estimated about six million dollars' worth, was waiting for the game to end.

in the ninth inning, everyone started cheering fire-works, fire-works. we just wanted it to end so we could watch the display and go home to try to sleep it off.

and then, something crazy happened. the ninth inning. bottom of, actually. it was our last at bat. and someone hit a homerun. probably the flyin hawaiian. and the momentum in the stadium changed. people were on their feet with their rally caps and towels. and screaming and screaming. and then it was tied. and then it was the tenth inning. and then we held them there. and then ryan howard hit the game winning homerun.

we were screaming and dancing and cheering. and nina and i lost our voices. i was pretty excited. i always wanted a raspy voice. i had one for about five days. until tonight, when it came back.

the fireworks. sigh...

i missed fireworks on the fourth, so this was really exciting to me. and the thing went on forever. there were a few fake-out finales, followed by the real finale. and the lights came back up in the stadium and we took the train home.

we went to another neighborhood bar that has equally awesome food. and talked over beer about heavy things that weren't out in the open yet. nina and kit had a heart to heart while i was out smoking, daydreaming of intern.

i'll have to consult nina on the way things went, what i'm forgetting. but i had to make an outline of all the things that we did that i could remember. and the weekend is confused in my head, saturday blends with sunday.

but i took her into center city, and we shopped. we went to h & m, which is a favorite, but also a place i avoid because i get carried away when things are that cheap.

we went book shopping and yarn shopping. and i talked to robbie on the phone, exhausted on a couch in this beautiful yarn store. we were supposed to see him, but it didn't end up happening. and i was utterly disappointed, but i understood. his life has recently become too drama-filled for a few drunk chicks to show up and hang out.

we also went to see her friend bonsky. he's an incredible painter, and a sweetheart. we hung out at his house, and she bought one of his paintings.

he talked about owning a game store, which was right alongside a comic book store, where we went after. i enjoyed it, and the boy who worked there was pretty awesome.

i think i just skipped to sunday, without talking about saturday night. but while i'm on topic, i'll talk about south street. we went to the anarchist bookstore. and they had a fishbowl of free condoms.

never in my life have i had a condom in my possession. i guess that since i started having sex, it was one of those things that i was embarrassed to buy, and the guys never seemed to mind, because it implies that they're having sex. so it was something that i always had them do. i grabbed two free condoms, and was super excited at the idea of using them. they're in my underwear drawer next to my bed. next to the toys i bought at the sex shop, which was our next stop.

also something new for me. i'd never gone into one with another girl. i went once with ever, but it was just off 95, and the scum of the earth dudes shopping vibed me out, so i never went in with him after that. i sent him in for toys a couple times.

in any case, armed with condoms in my purse, perusing a full selection of adult toys and novelties, and movies, we looked at things we might want to purchase. i bought her a naughty outfit, incredibly sexy. told her to tell her husband that it was my gift to him. i'd bought the kids stuffed animals at h & m.

since this whole sex can of worms has been opened, i walk around all day every day wanting sex. and somehow, going shopping for myself was pretty rad, and empowering.

that first day in the city, saturday i guess, i saw nine people i knew. to be in a city as huge as phila, and to see nine people i knew was pretty unbelievable. but it's also one of the reasons that i don't think i'll survive here past my lease's end on may 31st.

so we went to rittenhouse on saturday. and the mutter museum on sunday. which is a story in and of itself.

do yourself a favor. if you can handle oddities and medical things that make some people want to puke, just go check it out. it's mindblowing.

saturday night after the yarn store was dancing. with boy intern.

we went to pregame and eat dinner at another bar in the neighborhood. i tried my best to get him to come out with us, but he agreed to go to the club instead.

he was trying to get his friends to go, but he showed up alone.

it was the most fun i've had dancing. if kit had been having a better time, it would have outdone that first night at the madonna michael prince night. but she was struggling to have a third the fun nina and i were having.

i was trying to walk the line between drunk and okay to drive home. i'd planned to take a cab, but knew i wasn't that drunk. so i ordered a water, and started to drink that when things were starting to wrap up.

i need to write about intern, but the thought makes my stomach hurt. maybe i just save it for the post that i'll write tomorrow.

the way i got him there was to tell him that it was his job interview. we'd both been drinking on friday night, and started chatting online. i told him to come out with us the next day, and that i'd be in touch. so he came under those circumstances. we did sit to talk business, but i'd succeeded in getting him drunk in an effort to take him home with me. and so we talked about job opportunities, and he agreed to come in for a trial shift on wednesday, after nina returned home.

and it turned out that i didn't get him drunk enough, because he still had his wits about him and wouldn't come home with us.

we went to the place where he was crashing instead, and ended up thinking his friends were babies. idiots. and i guess that made him one by association. i don't think he's dumb, but he is when it comes to girls and chivalry and looking out for three ladies in a bad neighborhood at four am.

so we walked the boys home and drove home and passed out. then had our sunday.

so sunday, we went to south street. i already mentioned this. but on our way to the bar, i took nina into this awesome thrift store. and we only had seven minutes to shop until they closed. this cutie was working the counter, and cracking jokes over the store intercom about wanting to go home.

and i found this dress. it was amazing. green and yellow and blue, sixties dress with floral print. so cute. and the cute counter boy named christian said he'd go to a picnic with me, in that dress. he was adorable. some day when i stumble past there near closing time, i'll wear the dress and take him up on his offer. he was dready and cute, reminded me of shannon hoon.

and that reminds me of this zine i'm reading. it's called dreamwhip, i bought a volume at the anarchist bookstore a month ago, and bought another volume with nina on free condom day.

the author has this entry in it about austin texas. that it's impossible not to fall in love running errands. that everywhere you go, you'll see beautiful girls. and that he can't go to the bike shop without falling in love. and it made me think of phila. because there were hotties everywhere, and we were drooling over them. everywhere.

from there we went to a bar we call moms. it was arts and crafts night, and somehow i got both kit and alice there. it was fun, but i don't know where my art went. i haven't found it yet, and it makes me really sad. nina made one of those hand origami things where you pick numbers and unfold it to see what happens next. it was awesome. and i made a little drawing that had random things on it, like stars and saturn and a baseball. and our initials.

leaving from there, i called a musician friend, jay, who i really wanted nina to meet. i thought of it on the way to the house. i had to drive her past it at night, and she mostly missed it because she was on the phone with kit. but i went past it, which made me completely nauseaus. and jay happened to be home. so we checked out the abandoned lot that was being systematically torn down at precisely the same rate as my marriage. the thing which is captured in the album called vultures.

the timing was perfect. jay was home and happy to have us over.

and it was the perfect end to a perfect trip for nina. to say that she loves this boy's music is an understatement. and i knew that if i could get her in a room with him, he'd play songs for her. and i was so excited to make it happen. he was so lovely and gracious, and she taped his songs while he played them.

we spent about an hour there, i guess. and what was funny was that he was about to take a piano to my former house. right after i left him, he was going to ever. it also freaked me out a bit. but i was happy to see him and his darling girlfriend. i like that i can have friends who are also his. i'm glad that they're cool enough to not block me out. because i do love them.

and then it was time to head back to my place, in an effort to pack and have one last drink at the bar where it had all started. she called kit and we met up for the ice cream chocolate chip cookie sandwich and farewell scrabs.

it was pretty ideal. i was sad by that point, i had passed up beer at moms to drive her around, and i ordered one there, to go with my dessert. kit has convinced me that beer and ice cream do in fact go together. and it was a nice treat.

the perfect end to a perfect vacation.

the emotional side of things will come in a later post. when i write about how it is that i can be so torn between two lives in two very different places. how i can hate giving up my life here, that is so much fun, but also is expensive and lonely and more often drunken than not.

she packed her suitcase and i didn't cry, despite knowing that in the morning she would be gone. and that, if i leave next summer, she might never be back.

i read her to sleep with my raspy voice. i think i only read to ever maybe once, though he requested it often. i hate my reading voice, but the raspy one made me want to read until the sun came up. just when i got to the darkest saddest stuff, and started to get a little choked up at the things i'd written, her breathing was heavy and she was asleep

it was after three, and i was beat. but in an effort to practice being alone before actually being alone, i went out to my stoop to sit and smoke like i do when no one is sharing my space with me. it seemed like an intelligent practice run, because if it sucked, i could go back inside and know that i wasn't really alone.

i got two sentences in, and then landlord intrusion occurred. he came out with his bike and two friends with their bikes and talked my fucking ear off about how inspirational it is that i keep a journal and write a blog. they actually asked me for the name of it, but i didn't give it to them. too personal. i explained myself. they were fine with that, but inspired nonetheless.

and i felt robbed of my alone time, because when i got out there and put the two sentences down, i had something to write about, and i wanted to. i was totally into it. and they ruined it. so i went inside, and fell asleep next to nina for the last time on my turf.

the alarm went off after i got about a four hour nap. i felt sick upon waking. exhausted, and weepy as is the case when i get four hours of sleep. and i couldn't smile because i felt like i was throwing her into a tank of sharks. i didn't want her to leave, i didn't want to be the one to make her leave.

but real life calls. and she had to go, just like i had to go back to work.

she was late, and was sweating making her flight. and i parked the car to get her to the ticketing counter and security checkpoint.

and there i hugged her goodbye and we both cried a little. and i walked away from her, unable to look back.

i just kept thinking, 'get to the car. cry. go to work. it will all be okay.'

and later she said that she cried on the plane. my day was rainy and dark and sad with her gone.

it made me want to have her here with me. it made me wish that the good times back home were anywhere near as fun as the days and nights she spent here.

and they just aren't. it's just different here.

giving her the best of tour made me fall in love with this city all over again. and made me doubt my thought patterns that i might want to move home.

these things take time. it was the perfect end to the perfect vacation. the worlds collided. she met my best friends here. and they met her. and it was an epic success.

the most fun i've had in a long, long time.

and now? now it's over. and i'm having a hard time coping with a life here without my nina. a life here with kit, doing what we do everyday. work. talk. cigs. beer. sleep. repeat.

the monotony of my daily life here is broken by the ridiculous amount of fun i have with kit on a daily basis. i know that i'd be in a room with padded walls here if it wasn't for her.

if it wasn't for her, and kenna/my job, i'd have absolutely no reason to force myself to tough it out for the next year, and ensure that moving home isn't another in a long line of huge mistakes i'll make in my life.

i just wish selfishly that i could have both kit and nina here with me. all day every day.

and not have to work. just shop, and eat and drink and be merry.

but that's not real life.

and the closest thing that i can find to that? that's what i'll end up doing.