i can't stuff this down
i can't digest it.
i can't even choke it down.
i'm a pill. i'm bitter
because i can't win
because my wishes never came true.
throw up, start again
maybe next year.

rtw 117.

12/2/09 hair.

recently my hair was cut. too too short. i'd been growing it out for so long. my instructions were perfectly fucking clear. i didn't mince words. i didn't use non descriptive words.

don't take any length off the front. cut downward. at an angle. so that the back is short and the front is still long. IGNORE MY BANGS. DO NOT CUT IT TO MY BANGS. just a trim. short in the back, long in the front.

and goddammit if he didn't cut it straight around my head to match my bangs. and, at the, the BACK IS STILL LONGER! what the fuck???

all for money. i gave up pretty eyebrows and a precision cut to save $30-$50, give or take.

i missed the scalp massage of ladies with long, fake fingernails. the best part of the haircut.

all for $50? missing the payoff of six months' refusal to cave to my want of shorter hair. NOT WORTH IT. i will not make the same mistake again.

rtw 42.

12/2/09 fears

plane crashing
car accidents
loved ones dying
the dark, sometimes
heights, sometimes
safety issues
too late - time is running out
ugly baby
past mistakes' toll on my life
losing sight
losing hearing
growing old
losing the diamond from my ring

rtw 41. part 4.

12/2/09 free association - boil

bad skin
on the stove
that's better
in a pot
set to boil
turn it down
cook slower
stewed tomatoes
what else?
this face mask
i can't breathe
but better than
breathing bad things in!
are we in the air yet?
cute at first
but after 5 mins,
10 mins, 15 mins?
not so much

rtw 41. part 3.

12/2/09 free association - fence

white picket.
grass is always greener
fenced in
american dream
2.5 children
golden retriever
guard dog
seeing eye dog
blinds (not the verb)
blinds (v)
biting wind
sand in eyes
windy day at the beach

rtw 41. part 2.

12/2/9 free association - road.

two 'which way signs'
fork in the
splitting off
road trip
i wish
passenger seat
crossing state lines with you by my side
where are we going?
are we there yet?
no kids
kids, someday?
put me down
on the ground
back, with feet
firmly planted
i like this
don't like fish
where did THAT come from?
your mom
my mom

rtw 41. part 1.

12/2/09 free association of the word fall.

patent leather shoes
mary janes
mary jane
slipped and fell

rtw 25.

12/2/09 about god.

dear god,

what the hell? i mean, really...cancer? catastrophes? and also...where IS heaven? because the universe is a really crazy place!

if you created that, by the way, NICE ONE! all the planets and 'outer space', the galaxy. really incredible. i mean, created in a very different way than creation, by the way. if you made the big bang, way to go.

where'd all that stuff come from though? galactic clay, you know?

and also, is this a sick joke? pitting all these people against each other. killing each other - and in your name? for fuck's sake...

and maybe i shouldn't be cursing your ass out at 30000 feet. but i'm sure enough people are praying for safety that i'll be included.

on that note, i do believe that prayer works. only, in the way that people will themselves to be better. or have blind faith in something. because given enough time, things happen. things that have been prayed over. and i mean, odds are what, 50/50 that something will or won't happen? so there you go.

but the thing that bothers me most is that humans made up all this religion shit. excluding people who disagree from 'their' heaven. i mean, who was i to damn people to hell because their version of you was different from mine at the time? what an asshole. me, not you. :)

i'd like to feel the feeling again. being SO convinced of what i believed in. moved to tears over and over again. i mean, what IS that? mass ____. not mass hysteria. but the psychology of a mass of people. and how adult brains don't get that that's all it is. well, i don't understand.

i got pretty angry over it. really. a lot of anger for all the time i spent hating people, who i was told were so bad at the time. 'baby killers', you know?

who the fuck was i to pass judgment? i mean, given different circumstances at different times in my life, when i ended up being lucky, i'd have been there. and how can you teach a 13 year old kid (maybe i was younger?) that adult decisions are wrong? where's the logic in THAT? like a 13 year old child knows enough to take a stand against a 31 year old adult's decision. even 21. whatever...

teaching children to hate and judge is just WRONG. and to do it in the name of god? disgusting.

whether you're real or not? eh. not the topic. it's more about how people use you as a tool to do harm to themselves, but mostly to others.

i don't know anymore...i think there's another life. other lives, even. reincarnation-like, for souls. i believe in ghosts. i don't know about heaven...too much to be asked to believe in for me right now.

but i'll try to stop hating zealots and republicans. for now. just in case you're real... i shouldn't 'hate' anyone.

rtw 10.



fate or free will? honestly, it changes for me...some times i think we are predestined for greatness? maybe. i once called myself a 'fatalist'. it was fate that we met, that we went to a certain place on a certain night, and that everything unraveled the way that it did. for at least two years, i clung to that.

but maybe getting older has changed how i feel about that. because now, i feel like choices are presented. and that, be it as it may, we can change what previous decisions we've made.

i think that maybe i'm in the MIDDLE. i know, in the celestine way, that crossing paths and taking notice is beyond our control, really. and that luck or fate, some things just can't be explained.

but, also, current destinies can be changed. like, it was my destiny to be married and in this city. but i also know that if i hadn't gone to the interview with gina, or even if i hadn't picked up the city paper, or if she'd forgotten to place the ad, my life would be COMPLETELY different.

maybe feeling like i was fated to live this life is what stops me in my tracks, as far as change goes. maybe i believe that fate wasn't completely determined out, start to finish.

maybe it's more like a path. because i'm OBSESSED with that. like, all the points along the way in my journey where one decision changed my life. forEVER. and what if there was some sign i didn't see or take notice of? what if i was so blinded or dumb that i just missed my destiny altogether. is that possible, too?

because more often than not, i feel, REALLY BELIEVE, that my destiny was to be a writer. i can picture the house, on the land. the rooms in the house. tucked away. writing. it looks a little like pollack's house from the movie bearing his name.

and then, sometimes i see myself with a baby slung on my back, serving coffee in my victorian first floor coffee shop, where i live above. i see that very clearly, too. have for several years, maybe ten?

are these my dreams? my destinies? or is this what i get? working tirelessly. struggling to make ends meet. is it my future i'm glimpsing, because the writer in my mind is me, now-ish. even earlier versions of me. but the momma me isn't me now. maybe me in five years.

at what point do i trade in this life for the ones that 'feel' better in my mind? is it the path i'm on now that will take me there? or is it an abandonment of this life and path?

i feel like i was destined to marry a writer, someone more like me. someone who has so much more in common with me. is it a second life? is it the future of this one? will getting older change it?

was i supposed to be alone? i couldn't ever be alone before , how could that have been my future? it just feels like my life is a mistake sometimes. like, 'this CAN'T be it.' i don't understand it.

new year's 2010.

it is a new year. the year of the tiger. which sounds pretty good to me.

i don't really know what i'm doing or where i'm going. everything is so quiet today, so far, and i'm pretty excited for what's to come this year.

i started the new year off right, by reconnecting with hum after 10 years apart. like no time had passed, it was amazing. a five hour road trip that followed a three hour nap after a six hour conversation. new year's eve. and then the reverse five hour road trip after a five hour nap after a nine hour party-show.

it was quite a bit of fun. and, honestly, it is what i will miss the most about the sliver of a charmed life i lead, if it changes. for a few hours, i felt very privileged.

i'm trying to think about things i want to do in 2010. to start, there were ten resolutions this year. quite possibly the most ever. but also quite possibly the most logical and reasonable ever. and also the most likely to be stuck to. nothing about not smoking, nothing about not drinking. nothing about losing weight. nothing about getting in shape. none of the typical, broken resolutions.

they are as follows, in no particular order:

1. decide to decide.
2. be happy (happier).
3. take better care of myself.
4. write. daily - work on writing a book?
5. make art. stay in art classes.
6. learn an instrument.
7. learn photography, technically.
8. go dancing more often.
9. read two books a month.
10. make more time for my family (back home)

pretty solid, rounded list, i think.

it is what i need to recover from these past few months, which i'd like to not look back on, but will inevitably be forced to over the next few.

christmas eve was awful.

christmas was a bust. i don't know that there will be another one like it.

the week between then and now has been eggshell-ish. but new years eve was only not fun for a couple minutes, and i am a firm believer in new year's significance.

for the last several years, i decided that new year's is an indicator of the way you'll spend the coming year.

it says a lot that the last five have been spent alone, after ever fell asleep hours before midnight. standing with a bellyful of excitement for the countdown. staring out the kitchen window of our old third floor apartment, watching fireworks in the sky over the river, thirty or so blocks away, in the dark, while listening to dick clark in times square on the tv.

almost always crying.

crying because i felt alone, even though, technically, i wasn't. crying because the year past hadn't been what i'd hoped it to be. crying out of fear for the coming year. crying because of a meager existence. crying for the sake of crying. crying out of hope for the coming year. letting the previous one go.

so this year. it was different. i knew i'd be spending it with a friend. in the same place as ever, but not really with ever, because he was working. i knew it would be both fun and exciting.

i didn't anticipate being with him when the ball dropped several states away. but he requested it, so i was. showed up a few minutes before. left his side a few minutes after.

i think all of these things have both weight and meaning.

and i know that things can only get better for me emotionally, mentally.

so i think that this is the year that i take back my life. take control of my own well-being. get behind the reigns of my happiness, and lead myself down a healthier, happier path. take charge and don't let someone else have so much impact on how good i feel or don't. make my own good time.

kick ass and take names.

because when things get complicated, it always helps to get back to basics. to revisit the same old adages i've been fed my whole life, but never really understood in quite the way i do now.

so that is exactly what i will do.

and, to keep me honest to resolution number one, a counter at the bottom of the page.