friday on sunday. september 5th.

nestled in the heart of this little mountain town is one very tired girl.

the weekend so far has been pretty fantastic. to think that there are still two more days is a little mind blowing, but that was the point of the long weekend.

friday was a bit of a disaster.

i had two panic attacks after what was supposed to be a very easy day at work, followed by a couple work errands for supplies.

i left work to get my eyebrows done. on the way, i got a text from chalk that said that there was a problem at the airport and that he didn't have a reservation.

he didn't know if expedia dropped the ball, or if he did, but regardless, he showed up to fly out and couldn't.

at first i thought he was messing with me. but as i texted back 'are you serious?', i realized that he isn't the type of person to joke around about something like that. i sent the text and went to the waxing chair, not knowing what was going to happen. i almost left, because i thought that there was no way he could get a reasonably priced ticket out at such late notice.

but i didn't leave.

i felt sick, and my anxiety level started to go up from there. while i was in the chair, my phone rang, and i didn't pick it up, thinking it was chalk and that i'd call him back when i was done.

to add to the stress, my work phone was dead and shut off, and my regular phone was nearly dead. so i was out, and running errands, knowing that i was nearly out of touch with everyone for a few hours until i got home again.

so i got to the car, and checked my voicemail.

the security guard at work called to say that the health inspector showed up after we'd closed for the day.

i called chalk, feeling just horrible for his situation.

he said that he would be able to fly up, but not until 730 at the earliest. i told him that it was okay to reschedule the trip, thinking he was just being kind in trying to pay a ridiculous amount of money to still come up.

but he said it really wasn't too much more and that he was absolutely coming up.

so at that point, i realized he'd be in at 10. and i was sad, but also relieved, because it meant i'd have time to do work stuff without rushing.

the only thing that makes my panicking worse is being in a hurry. thinking fast is bad enough, but moving fast at the same time is a terrible combination. especially under the pretense of added pressure.

so i hung up with him, and had panic attack number one.

i was driving to the store, really trying to hold it together. sweating, shaking. it was all work, not chalk.

i knew that this meant the inspector would be back on tuesday, and to say that this is not okay and that i'm not ready for her is an understatement.

so i get to the store to pick up things for work, realizing i'd forgotten the list at home in my work bag.

and of course, i can't remember anything that was on it.

so i grab what i know i need and start thinking of things on the list as i'm in line at the checkout, and resolve to get them at the next store.

i was walking around home depot in a daze, unable to find what i needed, and unable in my condition to think clearly about where things might be. i started asking for help after about ten minutes of unsuccessful wandering.

i knew i was forgetting things, but didn't know what, so i found what i could remember, and was maneuvering around the store with a gigantic sheet of wall covering, four by eight feet, draped over my entire cart. bumping into things, and trying to get the fuck out of the store, trying not to worry about the fact that i didn't know how it was going to fit in the car at all.

it was flexible, so i was trying to think positive.

i pay for everything and walk out, load everything into the car. and for one split second, i missed ever. i thought, 'he'd have this in the car effortlessly.'

and then thought, 'fuck that. i got this.'

and i did.

and then texted kit that i was on my way to work, and could pick her up after dropping everything off, to hang out for a while.

chalk's flight wasn't at 730, but was at 9, so now he wouldn't get in until 1130. i was so tired, from waking up at 6 worried about work and excited for his visit.

kit was super helpful, and trying to calm me down, because of how worked up i was when i got to her.

so we went to the bar for happy hour and had a couple beers and some food, and i started to come down off the anxiety high.

and then i got really tired.

when you suffer from panic attacks, after you have one and recover, your body is depleted and you just crash out.

so i was laying down, and tried for over an hour and a half to take a nap.

but i couldn't sleep.

and in thinking about the health inspection, there were things i knew i'd need to do before going back to work on tuesday, and because i didn't know when chalk would be leaving, i needed to go to staples then.

so i got up, and kit said she'd go along for the ride.

we tried to mix in a visit to robbie that was unsuccessful. i'd also gone the day before, but he was nowhere to be found.

then hit the grocery store at about the time chalk was boarding.

and said something that cracked kit up while we were in the store. in produce, i was asking her what types of snacks i should get. i really don't know him well enough to know what he'd want to snack on and he just said something light, which wasn't helpful.

so we passed the grapes, which were on sale, and i said, 'grapes are cute, right?'

i think that what i meant was that grapes would be a cute gesture, because i envisioned feeding him grapes, and thought that was sweet.

but it sounded funny, and kit got a kick out of it.

i put the grapes in the cart and got some random assortment of snacks, and went home.

i was over the work anxiety by that point. i'd done what i could do to help the situation on tuesday. everything else is out of my control.

then i started to get ready for chalk.

the preparation for this visit was very different than before.

i guess because this time there wasn't the 'i wonder what is going to happen, and how it's going to be' thing, that was alleviated. and he hadn't been around online to talk to and flirt with, so i was worried that he was less than excited or less than ready for a visit.

i get really heady like that sometimes. and not having feedback makes it much worse.

luckily, nina had asked him about his trip up and he told her that he was really excited, so that made me feel a lot better.

in any case, he arrived, and we made it home safely, and wasted no time.

and then stayed up watching things online until 330, when he fell asleep watching the pushing daisies pilot. which was awesome. i love that show.

i think i fell asleep around 430 and didn't sleep well. what else is new?

sleep less. august 30th.

i don't know what happened.

probably, it was due to the coffee i was still sipping on at about 3 yesterday afternoon.

i did not sleep at all last night.

i don't think i dozed off until about 515 this morning, just before my alarm went off.

i only know i slept then, because i was having a very weird dream about my family, and my grandfather.

i turned off the lights and computer at 1030. i saw the clock hit 11, 12, i know i saw it just before 1, and at 3, 4, and 5 am.

it was a lot of tossing and turning, and looking at the clock every hour on the hour for certain. and trying to figure out how it was that i couldn't sleep.

it might have been a change in temperature. it was so hot yesterday. i only caved and turned the ac back on when i was going to sleep. maybe it was too cool. maybe the fan was too loud.

i know that, at a point, i was super itchy.

there were probably mosquitoes buzzing about, biting me while i slept.

whatever it was, it was horrid. and i don't know how i'm feeling okay right now. i was ill when i woke up.

more coffee. that's how i feel okay right now.

uppers and downers. uppers and downers.

back at sucky store, this time with a little more feeling. because this time i have internet again.

oh, scrabble. how you salvage my sanity.

i'm already hungry, it's an hour til lunch food is ready, and i'm staring down slices of pound cake.

it's so unfair.

should i warn chalk that i've put on a good ten pounds since he was here last?

i can't squeeze into some of my clothes that i bought when i was home. and i need to do something about it, but i don't have the will power right now.

maybe after he leaves. he told me i could afford to put on a few pounds when he was here last. so i'll take it.

i cannot wait until the weekend.

i'm so excited for the mountains. i wish i could afford a cozy little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. but the hotel will have to do.

it's exciting to be going in the car. it's exciting to be getting out of the city. it's exciting to be doing something new. again.

it's funny, all this thinking about boys...

i woke up yesterday from a dream about intern.

it was a nice dream. i think we were probably making out. maybe he was my boyfriend. but i woke up wishing i could go back to sleep and continue the dream, just to have a little more of his attention.

but i didn't. or if i dozed back off, it was over. but i don't think i even tried.

and then, last night, i was thinking about that boy from the party.

what would i even do with a boy like that? that's what i was thinking about.

for someone who can't date, what do you do? it's not that primal urge to sleep with him. he just seems like someone who would be fun to spend time with, as a friend, and i'd make out with him. but what would we do? go see a show? we probably like similar music. have a game night? go to the bar?

i wonder how young he is. he's definitely younger than me, but i don't know by how much. i can't really tell. maybe he's 25 or something.

i mentioned him to kim and she gave him two thumbs up.

oh, boys.

i guess the thing about him, which is what i keep thinking, is that i think 'i met a boy'.

not like, smitten. but i met someone notable. because i pushed my boundaries. and i do hope i see him again. because i like to laugh. and he was witty. and i think if nothing else, we'd be friends.

that's where my head is.

for a lot of time again this weekend, my mind was on ever things. but not really today. today i'm very distracted. and it's going to be a long week.

today and tomorrow at crappy store.

wednesday hammering down panini menus.

thursday will be office day.

friday possibly moving crappy store or more panini time.

then chalk.

then the mountains.

then back to life.

but those four days...

i cannot wait.

and now for something completely different... august 29th.


first things first. i love google analytics, specifically the map overlay report.

usually it just tells me that kit and alice, nina, and i look at my blog way too much.

but somewhere out there, i have a couple of new readers. and i don't know anyone in the cities, so i don't know who it is. but i am grateful.

to you i say: sorry for the detail i write in. and for my carrying on about boring and unimportant things. and thanks for reading.

that being said, i too have been exploring blogger. maybe someone found me by hitting the 'next blog' button. i love that thing. half the time, you land on complete shit. but the other part of the time, i find some pretty awesome stuff.

and what's strange is that part of the time, the blogs i land on are local blogs. the other half of the time, they're in spanish and i can't translate.

and i just got hip to blogs of note. which is also hit and miss. but this week i found a couple of great blogs that way.


the weekend.

another day in bed. it's almost three. i'm dressed but not showered, because i had one cigarette so far today. and i'm laying in bed. listening to new music.

it is interesting to me that i have spent this weekend learning, alone.

music and photography.

getting inspired.

it's pretty awesome.

i'm listening to the national and cat power is next. i know i like them both, but don't know them at all.

i also discovered better propaganda. and their playlists.

and was really happy to see a couple friends in their mix of picks and recommendations.

and i have been reading about pinhole cameras. i can't explain why i love the pictures so much. i'm a fan of monochrome, but the colors that come through with these photos are just unbelievable. very true. and something about the hazy quality of some of them just blow my mind. and because of the seconds of exposure time, the waterfall photos are really cool, because of the effect the water gets.

here are a few examples of what i'm talking about:

totally inspired. i don't even have to buy a camera, really. i just have to make one out of things that are laying around in the recycling bin.

in any case, i still am not clear on how you load the paper/film into the camera, or what happens after that. i don't have a dark room, so i don't know if i could even do this as a hobby. but maybe i'll ask someone about it. the paper idea sounds the best to me, because there's no film, it's right on the paper. but i still don't have a way to develop them.

even if i just sat in on a photography class or something to get the basics. because in looking at the stuff online, i was totally lost.

it was fun taking my camera last night, because i took some pretty cool pictures. i need to learn how to use the thing, for starters. i always forget to ask nina how she uses hers, but i know now which setting to use at night (iso3200), and got some very warm campfire pictures from the party.

i was proud to go alone. i really didn't feel like it at all.

i was afraid of so many things. dan and crystal. the lesbians. anyone who knows ever in general.

there was one person there who i knew from work, a customer. and lauren and her girl and her roommate. that was it.

there were so many people there. and i liked having my camera because it gave me something to do, besides focus on being there alone. and how awkward i felt.

there was a band playing outside, and then one after that in the basement.

i loved the band in the basement. the guys were nice and pretty cute. they had this somehow dancy garage band feel to it. like weezer with a groove.

i don't know. i get this feeling when i go to tiny shows like that sometimes. i feel like i'm seeing something special. something that in five years from now would be some claim to fame: 'i saw those guys in a basement with like twenty other people!'

anyways, i really liked them, and i'd see them out sometime now that i know who they are.

and i biked home, which i was also very happy about.

i took a monkey with me and drank that when i got there, during the first show.

and also took a can of pbr. and had that in the basement.

i didn't want to deal with parking. or driving. but biking was perfect. it was cool and i was home safely and quickly.

and i left during the show in the basement, in an effort to leave on a high point. i had to pee, i was hungry, i wanted water, and i guess i just wanted out.

so i said goodbye and bailed. without seeing anyone i didn't want to see. which i was also really happy about.

after that whole sticker thing yesterday, it was nice to not have any drama.

and the more i keep commitments against the odds, the better i feel about myself. i am happy to not flake even when it's what i want to do.

and i'm also glad to have alone time this weekend, too. it's been very quiet and peaceful. very restful.

two parties in one weekend. i can't even remember the last party i went to before this. but they were both good experiences, even though they didn't feel that way going into them.

i also am happy with trying new things and being open to meeting new people. well, i'm happy when it pays off and i feel good after.

though i don't want to spend the next two days at shitty store, i'm glad to have a reason to get out of bed and to not drink excessively.

though i'm mostly sure that i'll just be right back here again, as soon as my day is over and done with.


it's one of those funny words like thumb that loses it's meaning when you read it or write it a few times.